01x13 - The Wrath of Guitierrez

[bunniefuu]

Greetings, worthless viewers.

It is with unbridled excitement
that I come to you...

...to announce
my thrilling television debut.

They call me Deadpan,
and I am blessed with the unique ability...

...to transform my features
into any shape.

For instance...

Or how about...?

Or perhaps...

And I do mean any shape.

Today,
I plan to take over all of Washington...

...with the help
of my cleverest disguise ever...

...that of Freakazoid.

No one will ever know it's actually me.

Hi, Deadpan.

Hello, l...

Rats.

Never mind.

You wanted to see me?

Ah, warden.

How kind of you to come. Please.

I understand there's a problem
with your computer.

Oh, a trivial matter, really.
I'm embarrassed to even mention it.

But I will.

The computer itself is wonderful.

It even has the Pinnacle microchip
as I requested.

Perfect for playing
my computer games like...

..."Chubby Fudge's Cooking Lab,"
and "Attack of the Grillery"...

...and my favorite, "Amazing Castle."

But to my surprise...

...I find that
I cannot log onto the Internet...

...because I don't have a phone line!

L... I know. I'm trying.

It's gonna take a few more weeks.

I don't want to wait a few more weeks.

I must have access to the Internet now.

Today.

It's just that prisoners
aren't supposed to have phones.

If I don't have a phone line lickety-split...

...I shall squeeze you.

And I shall keep on squeezing you...

...until all your man juices run dry.

Ew.

Ah.

At last.

[PATCH SNAPS, GUITIERREZ YELLS]

[SINGING]
I'm gonna get Freakazoid

Stupid little crazy boy, Freakazoid

Let the game begin.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Oh, baby.

[CROWD CHEERING]

- That blue knight guy is pretty good.
- He sure is...

...milord.
- What?

Oh, "milord."

Right. Ha.

Funny.

You know, I like jousting so much
I wish I could marry it.

[YELLING]

[GRUNTING]

Ha. Funny.

[SIREN WAILING]

[GRO ANING]

Sorry I didn't help you out sooner, kid.

I thought you were doing
one of your little skits.

Oh, I don't know what it is, Cosgrove.

It's like all of a sudden, there was
this disruption in my energy field.

You mean
like that Force thingy in Star Wars?

Yeah, that's it.

I like that movie.
Carrie Fisher is a real cutie pie.

Don't worry, kid.
I'll get you to the hospital as fast as I can.

[GRUNTS]

- Unh!
- Norma, it's Cosgrove.

Give me a double Chubby Boy.

And who's on the fryer tonight?

[NORMA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
O VER SPEAKER]

Yeah. He's good.

Okay. Give me some fries too.

[FREAKAZOID GRO ANS]

And make it snappy.

I gotta get Freakazoid to the hospital.

COSGRO VE:
Aw, sh**t.

I forgot an Orange Bang.

[GRO ANING]

[FREAKAZOID GRO ANING]

Well, there's nothing fuzzy
on your tongue.

Frankly, you seem to be fine...

...but this weakness you're experiencing
puzzles me immensely.

Why don't you put leeches on him?

Oh, no, no, no. I don't think that's wise.

Okay, but if you change your mind,
I got a few in the car.

I would, however,
like to keep you overnight for observation.

What? Overnight?
Here? Oh, no, no, no.

I hate hospitals. They're icky.

They keep blood in refrigerators.

Not that you kids shouldn't go
to the hospital if you ever need to.

That's right, kids.

Hospitals are places that make you well
when you're feeling kind of urpy...

... or have a foreign substance
stuck up your nose.

They'll fix you up
and ship you out as good as new.

Plus, the food's mighty fine.

ANNOUNCER: This segment brought to you
by the National Federation of Hospitals.

Now back to our show.

Thank you very much, doctor,
but I'm not staying.

I'm fine. Come on, Cosgrove.

I meant to do that.

[SNORING]

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

GUITIERREZ:
Freakazoid.

Freakazoid.

Remember me, my old dear friend?

Well, I remember you,
and I'm waiting for you.

All you have to do is come and get me,
if you dare.

[LAUGHING]

Laugh with me, laugh with me.

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMING]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

Shh. Quiet, lad.

[GRUNTS]

[SNORING]

Roddy, where have you been?

I've been surfing the Net, lad.
Oh, it's quite a place.

You're gonna like it.

I'm gonna like it?

Aye, you're going in tonight.

Guitierrez managed to get in.
Now, come, we've not much time.

I meant to do that.

Ever since Guitierrez entered the Net...

...he's been busy setting up
some sort of deranged trap for you.

When I tried to see what it was,
he found me and kicked me out.

He's amazingly powerful.

If it's a trap,
why do you want me to go in?

You don't have a choice, lad.

The reason you're so weak is that
Guitierrez sabotaged the energy field...

...that powers you here on the outside.

If you didn't go in, another hour or so...

...you'd be no better than a dried-up
piece of fleshy haggis.

Oh, he's figured it all out.
He's baiting you, lad.

He's made sure you've got no choice
but to go in after him.

He means to destroy you.

Boy, you got a lot of lines in this show.

Aye, that's what I told them.

But no,
all the cruddy exposition goes to me.

I've got to talk and talk,
and fiddle with the computer...

...and talk some more,
and fiddle and talk.

I feel like Obi-wan Cruddy Kenobi.

Roddy, settle.

All right. We're ready.

Aren't you coming?

Nay, Guitierrez has locked me out.

He wants you alone.

There, that's the last
of the cruddy exposition...

...thank you very much.

Be careful, lad. Now, off you go.

Press delete.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

[YELLING]

Whoa!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Could you tell me where the bathroom is?

I don't know.

sh**t.

[GASPS]

Freakazoid, at last you have arrived.

I'm sorry about the dramatics
with your power supply...

...but I wanted to make sure
you would come.

Hey, you've been doing sit-ups.

I took the liberty of improving
upon the flaw that created us both.

I am now more powerful
than you can possibly imagine.

Yes, but can you dance?

Yes.

[WHISPERS]
Wow.

Now, come.

I want to show you what I have planned.

Put on that bracelet.

No, it's ugly.

[GRUNTING]

Ooh, stop the pain.

Oh, stop that bad acting
and put on the bracelet.

The bracelet you are now wearing
is a highly sophisticated delete mechanism.

When activated, it will delete you.

You now have approximately...

...um, 59 minutes to live.

You weenie.

A weenie?

You are the weenie.

And now I will have my revenge.

It is because of you...

...that I spent six long months
locked away in a prison cell.

Six months caged
like an animal in a cage.

Hey, settle.

[SIGHS]

I should inform you that there is a key
that unlocks the bracelet.

Where?

Are you familiar with the computer game
"Amazing Castle?"

Yeah.

Well, we are now in that game.

And here in cyberspace,
it is all quite real, I assure you.

You will find the key somewhere
in that castle.

To get there,
you will have to answer riddles...

...solve clues
and collect objects that might help you.

I suggest you begin.

You have, uh...

...fifty-seven minutes.

I will enjoy watching you perish,
Freakazoid.

[LAUGHING]

Laugh with me, laugh with me.

[LAUGHING]

He's such a weenie.

I am not a weenie.

You are the weenie.

Where is the darn handle?

I am the doorkeeper with horrible skin

Answer my riddle, and then you come in

Oh, I hate these.

All right, what?

I buzz about at a citrus event
Where hours of fun can cheaply be spent

Who am I?

Hmm.

A bee at the Orange County Fair.

Enter.

Have some chalk. Ahh.

FREAKAZOID:
Oh, no.

Which way? Um, that one.

A bowl, I got a bowl. Good for me.

[GRO ANS]

GUITIERREZ:
You had better hurry, Freakazoid.

Time's slipping away.

[GUITIERREZ LAUGHING]

I went in here and I came out here.

Which means...

Freakazoid ran about the strange
and creepy castle...

...collecting all sorts
of bizarre and unusual objects.

Each new object
led him closer to his ultimate goal...

...the key that would free him
from the deviously deadly...

...deleting device adhered to his wrist.

But there was one last object to be located
and very little time left.

Oh, nut bunnies.

Uh, uh... Ah.

There.

Thanks.

Whoa!

[GRUNTING]

GUITIERREZ:
Twenty seconds, Freakazoid.

Fifteen.

[FREAKAZOID GRUNTS]

GUITIERREZ:
Ten.

[GRO ANS]

GUITIERREZ:
Five, four...

- Ha!
...three, two...

... one.

[GRUNTS]

[BRACELET BEEPING]

[PANTING]
Good for me.

[SLOW CLAPPING]

Yes, good for you, Freakazoid.

I must say I am surprised.

Well done.

Can I go now?

Oh, no, my friend.

We have had our fun.

But now it is time
for you to be eliminated.

- But you said...
- I said...

...that if you found the key,
you would not be deleted.

I made no other promises.

You ween...

Don't say the weenie word.

No, no, no.

[BOTH GRUNT]

Fall down. Fall down.

[GRUNTING]

Are you ticklish? Little tick-tick-ticky?

Little ticky-sweet-sweet-sweet?
Little tick-tick-ticky?

Little tick-tick...
You're not liking any of this, are you?

- Grr...
- Aah!

[GRUNTS]

Goodbye, Freakazoid.

[GASPS]

Whoa! Aah!

[GRUNTS]

[GUITIERREZ GRUNTING]

Freakazoid, help me.

Would you let your father fall?

My father? You're my father?

Oh, yes, I am your father.

Well, who...? Who was my mother?

Uh, uh...

Faye Dunaway.

No, she's not.

Uh...

- Kaye Ballard?
- Kaye? No.

Would you believe Sandy Duncan?

[GASPS]

[SCREAMING]

Scream with me.

I tried looking for Guitierrez
but he was gone.

So I fixed my power supply and made sure
Roddy wasn't locked out anymore.

Good job, lad.

Pretty interesting story, Freakazoid.

- But there's something I don't get.
- What's that, Cosgrove?

In that movie Congo,
how do you tell the difference...

...between the real monkey
and the guy in a monkey suit?

That's a real monkey.

No, that's some guy in a suit.

Okay, but now that's a real monkey.

No, that's another guy in a suit.

Okay. I see what you're saying now.

There, that's a guy in a suit.

No, that's a real monkey.

COSGRO VE: How can you tell?
FREAKZOID: It's obvious, Cosgrove.

COSGRO VE:
There, now that's a real monkey.

RODD Y:
That's a guy in a suit!

COSGRO VE:
We're gonna have to see this again.

I hope the Humanitas Committee
is watching.