03x04 - Tick vs. Arthur

[bunniefuu]

[grumbles]

Tick: Speak, are you awake?

Come on, Speak, speak up!

Come on, boy.

Talk to me like you did
in the wilds of Mexico!

Oh, I can see it in your reverent eyes.

Speak, you're a righteous firebrand.

Speak!

We need a furry, moist
avenger like you on the team!

Come on, man. Let' bark
up the right tree together!

Arthur: Tick...
Tick: Huh? Ooh, oh!

Arthur: You know he's
never going to come out

if you just sit there
traumatizing him day after day.

He needs time to adjust
to his new environment.

But Arthur, we need him on the team!

A stalwart hound to bring up the rear

and bark out the clarion call of justice!

This is becoming one of those
Tick things again, isn't it?

[clears throat]
Excuse me?

Y'know, one of those Tick things...

Yeah, where you get all
excited about something

and suddenly it's all you can think about,

and the next thing you know
you're way out of touch with reality.

[chuckles]
Eh, Arthur...

What are you saying?

You've already done it. Yeah.

You've constructed one of your elaborate
fantasy worlds around that poor animal.

How do you know?

You can't just peer into a person's
mind and know their secret dreams!

No? Well let me just try, okay?

All right, it starts with
something ridiculous, like umm...

Oh, I dunno... the United Nations?

[gasps]
Oh, bullseye!

Uh huh. And Speak the uber-hund

is addressing the assembled delegates

hammering out a peace
treaty between warring nations.

[Tick groans]
Uncanny!

Tout le monde sommes mes amis.

Tick: Here, Speak! C'mon boy!

[growls]

I beg your pardon ladies and
gentlemen, but I have to go.

The Tick needs me!

[Assembly clamors approvingly]
What a dog!

Arthur: Help! Help!

Good boy, Speak!

I love you.

Right on!

Arthur: Help! Help! Save
me! Monster! Monster!

Bad monster!

[chuckles]

Looks like Arthur's got
himself into trouble again!

Heh heh, you know it!

Come on, let's go!

Oh no!

It's The Tick and his incredible dog Speak!

[Tick gasps]

Well, you're just like little Jack Horner.

You stuck your thumb into
the Christmas pie of my brain

and pulled out the plum
of my innermost dreams!

How did you do it?!

Well, you're not exactly
a closed book, Tick.

I mean, you've been haranguing
Speak about it all week.

Huh. I've loosed my lips and
sunk the ship of my own privacy.

Oh, Speak! You can walk!

[screams in rage]

Thus begins the reign of Baron Violent!

[crowd screams]
Baron Violent!

[cackles]

Wow, that's tampering with US mail!

A federal offense!
Okay, g*ng...

[all in unison]
Let's make a difference!

Mister, the Civic-Minded Five will
put an end to your shenanigans!

[laughs]
Ooh, a fight!

Ha ha! Come on, try me!

Carpeted Man!

By rubbing my carpeted
feet over any surface

I can create a powerful
charge of static elec--

Whoa!

I'll give you some static,
you deep pile rug rat!

Static... cling... too strong!

Can't... move!
[Baron Violent laughs]

Let's get sticky!

He got Captain Mucilage!

[cackles]

[all groan with effort]

Four-Legged Man: Looks bad for the five!

[blender whirs]

Tick: Fetch!

Tick: Fetch!

[radio intro plays]

Welcome to week two of
the Doctor Food food foam diet

It's time to drink down your first
delicious diet shake of the day!

[sighs]

Mmm-mmm! One hundred percent synthetic

with absolutely no nutritional value!

[grumbles]

Okay, Speak. To fetch you've got to...

You've got to move.

Huh? What's that, boy?

Oh, of course! Silly me.

You've got to get the scent of
the prey before the hunt begins!

Alrighty! Here you go.

[Tick inhales deeply]
Mmm!

Fresh ball!

Speak, the ball fears you!

Listen to its cry!
[ball squeaks]

Smell its fear!

[Tick breaths deeply]

Now... fetch!

Radio: Yes, after a week of
nothing but Dr. Food's food foam

your body has begun dining on itself!

Eating away at that unsightly fat

leaving a trim new you.
[Arthur gulping]

[telephone rings]
Tick: Yeesh.

[Arthur whimpers]

Hello?

Hello, Tick? Four-Legged Man here.

We're downtown battling
a maniac, and umm...

the maniac's ahead by three.

[Feral Boy squeals]
[crashes]

Whoops, make that four.

Could you lend us a hand?

Roger! We'll be right down.

Great! Great, that... Gotta go!

[glass shattering]

Arthur! Speak! Into the fray!

I'm very disappointed in you.

Here I am, new to this town,
looking for a little v*olence

and this is the fight that I get?!

You wilted like lilies,

and I'm only on six.

Enjoy your victory while you can, Violent.

The Tick is on his way

and he's stronger than
all of us put together!

[all concur]
I've seen him; he's big!

Really? Good!

Then I'll go up to seven.

[cackles madly]

The bigger I am, the harder they fall!

[laughs]

Ah. Hut!

Hah!

Onward, swift Speak!

To the scene of the crime.

To your first taste of villain breed!

[yells and laughs]

Now there's a man who's
in touch with his rage.

[cackles]

Tick: Spoon!

All right, mister knock-everything-over!

That'll be just about enough of that.

Violent: Says who?!

Says The Tick!

And his incredible dog, Speak!

[laughs gleefully]

Wha? Whoo-hoo-hoo!

At last, a worthy opponent.

Are you guys okay?

We're fine, lad.

Arthur, get his belt!

It's the source of his strength.

Arthur: Oh great...

[heaves]

Eat street!

Now, Speak, in crime-fighting it's
crucial to keep your eye on the criminal.

They're a tricky, vicious lot.

Eh? Case in point.

Speak?!

[Tick screams]

[debris crashes]

[cackles mirthfully]

Ah! What?

Don't mind me, I'm harmless. Just Arthur.

I'm fluttering around. Whoa!

Come on; fight like a man!

Thank you, I'd rather not.

[strains]

What?!

No!

That's mine, give it back!

No.

No!

[gasps]

Speak?

Speak!

Speak? Oh no!

He looks terrible!

Tick... that's the way he always looks.

No, but... but his eyes are all gooey!

And he's moist all over!

He's always moist.

Yeah, but look at his fur.

He's unraveling like a cheap sweater!

I've gotta get him to the vet!

Tick, I've been telling
you that for a week.

Okay, Tick, you take him to Dr. Sniff.

I'll help the Civic-Minded Five,

and we'll meet back at home, okay?

Tick: Emergency! Emergency!
Emergency! Emergency!

Emergency!

[Speak grumbles]

[panting]

Bad... man... hit... dog...

with... street!

[Baron Violent wheezes]

[door crashes]
I need two thugs!

I've got money!

We're two thugs.

[Violent wheezes]

How do I know you're any good?

Oh, hehe... you're good. You're good!

Okay, now here's what I need...

Oh no...

[chuckles]

[laughs]

[phone rings]

Hello?

Arthur: Carmelita? Hola.

What are you doing tonight?

Tick, about Speak...

Yes?!

I've got some good news, and some bad news.

No! I'll do anything, doc!

Money is no object!

Does he need my kidneys?!

No, no Speak's fine

except for a little eczema,
some worms, and the mange.

Then what's the bad news?
What's wrong with my dog?!

Tick, that's just it.

You don't have a dog.

I don't?

You've got a hydrochoerus hydrochaeris.

Huh?

Capybara, Tick.

Speak is a rodent.

Ooh!

But he's one of the world's largest.

All right!

Go Speak!

Carmelita: Arthur, that
diet of yours is amazing!

I just can't get over
how different you look.

Yeah, I know. Heh.

And I gotta tell ya,
Carmelita, I feel great!

And from now on everything's
going to be different.

What are you talking about?

Thug: Hey, bunny-boy.

I think you're wearing something
that doesn't belong to you.

Oh, okay, this is great. Now you see...

this is a perfect example.

I'm in a restaurant, minding
my own business, right,

and a couple of thugs start picking on me.

Now, what would the old
Arthur do in a situation like this?

Oh, Arthur, I don't think--

No, no, no. Really,
seriously. And be honest, now.

Well... I guess he'd cringe,

and, I dunno, scream something like,

"Not in the face! Not in the face?!"

Arthur: Exactly!

Uh, and then I guess they'd beat him up!

Yeah, right! Right. Okay.

Now here's where the
new Arthur is different!

Arthur!

Ha ha ha! Look at me!

No, no, no!

[thug yells]

Oh yeah, that's just great!

[cackles]

Oh, that felt so right!

So... good!

Arthur, what's happening to you?!

[gasps]

Hey, you!

Nope!

Arthur: I know what you're after,

[sing-song]
and you're not gonna get it!

In fact...

I don't want you in my city!

Understand?

In fact...

if I see your face again...

I'll rearrange it for ya.

Got it?!

Yes.

Then get!

Faster!

[cackles maniacally]

[cackles]

Oh, I love it!

Oh?!

[laughs]

Tropical parasites:

your carefree infestation ends here!

Tonight you swim in
ointments of righteous hygiene!

Flee before the might of modern medicine!

Mites, lice, and chiggers:

your days are numbered.

Yes, in this house
cleanliness is next to dogliness!

[gasps]
Oh, Speak!

I'm sorry; I didn't mean it!

Of course, you're not a dog,

you're a wonderful, lovable rodent!

And there's nothing wrong with that.

No, if that's your lifestyle choice,

then we'll stand behind you all the way!

Tick! I need your help.

Carmelita, guess what?
Speak's not a dog at all.

He's the world's biggest rat!

Uh... I don't know about that.

Have you seen Arthur lately?

[munching and gulping]

Hey! Pretentious little French guy!

[clears throat]
Oui?

Bring me more of that, um...

oh... meat!

Oh, hey, that looks good.
Let me try some of that!

Oh, thank heavens, Monsieur Le Tick.

Please, your friend Arthur
does not seem himself tonight.

Really? Egad!

[chomping]

Arthur!

Well, well. If it isn't The Tick!

Arthur, what in the wor--

Hey! You're wearing
that Violent guy's belt!

You gotta problem with that, Tick?

Indeed I do, mister.

That belt is a fashion accessory of evil!

And evil is never in fashion!

You're just jealous!

Come on, chum,
just hand over the belt.

Arthur, please, listen to The Tick!

No.

Alright, then. I'll just--

[both straining]

Tick: Hey!

Oh yeah, I see how the system works!

Well I'll tell you something:

I'm through being your sidekick!

I'm through being your pudgy comic relief.

Arthur, stop it! You know
I'm my own comic relief.

Now, come on man!

Okay, you asked for it!

Whoa!

Uh, gentlemen, please...
could you take it outside?

Sure. I'll take it outside!

[Tick screams]

Come on, Carmelita. Let's hit the town.

Ngh! Haven't you hit enough stuff tonight?!

[clicks tongue reprovingly]
Superheroes...

[Carmelita struggles]

Okay, buddy!

I'm taking off the kid gloves,

and putting on the very mad gloves!

[thunder rumbles]

Come on. Come on!

I don't know what you've
done with the real Arthur,

but you're a great, big jerk!

Well, you see babe, that's
the problem with having friends:

they never let you grow as a person.

Arthur, please! Your brain
is drowning in muscle!

Give me the belt!

You want a piece of me?!

Well, take your best shot!

I never thought I'd be saying this to you,

but Spoon!
[thunder roars]

Spoon this!

[gasps]
No!

[straining]
Arthur!

You've got to make yourself smaller!

Your ears won't hold you!

Turn off the belt!

Ngh! Can't reach it!

Too many muscles...

[screams]

No!

Get off of me!

[belt crackles]

Oh, Arthur, it's you!

Tick: Nice catch, moth girl!

Maître d': Ah, I must
thank you for your kindness.

Most of the heroes, when they have
their brawls, they just leave a mess.

Happy to do it, prim king of waiters.

Yes, and I have to just say again,

I am really, really sorry!

Tick, Carmelita, I'm sorry.

Oh, Arthur, we're just happy
to have the real you back.

Yes, chum!

But let your journey into
hugeness teach us all a lesson.

Absolute power is a sticky wicket.

And Arthur, chum, you were the stickiest!

Don't you get it, good friend?

Some of the best things
come in small packages.

But large things can't!

Unless they're inflatable
or require some assembly...

Or unless they're hearts!

Yes. Giant, juicy, loving hearts!

Big as the moon,

but much, much warmer!

Right, Speak?

[Speak grumbles]

Hey g*ng, Tammy Fig writes:

Dear Tick,
Why do trees only grow upwards?

And what can we do
to help save the trees?

Why, trees grow in all
kinds of ways, Tammy.

Up is just the one we notice most!

Their roots grow downwards into rich earth.

And their branches grow
sideways to... to mingle!

Now, what could Tammy
Fig do to help save the trees?

Well, number one: stop writing letters!

They're made of trees!