BY: DAVID FISHER
Part One
Original Air Date: 27 October 1979
Running time: 23:32
K9: Peter gave himself for lost and shed big tears, but his sobs were overheard by some friendly sparrows who flew to him in great excitement and implored him to exert himself.
ROMANA: Doctor, I've been cleaning out number four hold. You've got the most awful lot of junk in there.
DOCTOR: Shush. Something terribly exciting's about to happen.
ROMANA: Oh, really? What?
DOCTOR: Mister McGregor.
ROMANA: Who?
DOCTOR: Mister McGregor. He's chasing Peter Rabbit. He's got a sieve. He's going to pop it on top of Peter!
ROMANA: Don't worry. He'll wriggle out, lose his jacket and hop into a watering can.
DOCTOR: Atchoo.
K9: Bless you.
DOCTOR: Junk? Did you say junk? I don't carry junk.
ROMANA: What do you call this lot, then?
DOCTOR: That's extremely valuable equipment.
ROMANA: An old ball of string?
DOCTOR: Give that to me. Come on, give it to me.
ROMANA: (reads label on bottom) To the Doctor. A souvenir with love and thanks for all his help with the Minotaur. Theseus and Ariadne.
DOCTOR: Yes. If I hadn't produced that ball of string to find a way out of the labyrinth, they were going to unravel my scarf, the wretches.
ROMANA: All right, but what can you possibly do with the old jawbone of an ass?
DOCTOR: Don't be a philistine.
ROMANA: What?
DOCTOR: That jawbone's been about a bit, you know.
ROMANA: All right, so what's this then?
DOCTOR: Well, that's just a bit of old junk.
K9: A mark three emergency transceiver, mistress.
ROMANA: You mean it's part of the TARDIS?
K9: Correct, mistress.
ROMANA: Then why isn't it plugged in, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Because is doesn't work.
K9: Incorrect, master. The transceiver is fully operative.
DOCTOR: Yes, but it's an awful nuisance.
ROMANA: You mean you kept getting calls from Gallifrey all the time. Would you do this, would you do that?
DOCTOR: Yes, yes. Such a bore.
ROMANA: That's what it's for.
DOCTOR: What, to bore?
ROMANA: No, to receive and send distress signals.
DOCTOR: I was never in distress.
ROMANA: What?
DOCTOR: Well, not often. I mean, not what you'd call often. Go on, plug it in.
DOCTOR: Switch it off! Switch it off!
DOCTOR: That's better. I told you that thing never worked properly.
K9: Inaccurate, master. The transceiver has never been used properly before.
DOCTOR: Well, there's a fault in it then, isn't there. That was no distress call. Was it? Was it?
K9: Insufficient data, master, but there is no fault in the equipment.
DOCTOR: Well, I'm delighted to hear it.
K9: But your last statement
DOCTOR: But shush. We've landed. I wonder where we are? Anyone know?
ROMANA: What is it?
DOCTOR: No idea. Let's find out, shall we? Not you, K9. You stay here. By the way, how did you know about Peter Rabbit?
ROMANA: Oh, Peter Rabbit, Squirrel Nutkin, Mrs Tiggywinkle, Jemima Puddleduck
DOCTOR: That's odd.
ROMANA: It's so green.
DOCTOR: It's very odd.
ROMANA: What's odd?
DOCTOR: This is.
ROMANA: What is that thing?
DOCTOR: It's an egg.
ROMANA: An egg?
DOCTOR: Yes. Well, part of a shell, anyway. Can't see the rest of it.
ROMANA: It's huge.
DOCTOR: Yeah.
ROMANA: What kind of bird laid that?
DOCTOR: If it was a bird.
ROMANA: What do you think it was, then?
DOCTOR: Semi-metallic.
ROMANA: Metallic? You mean metal birds laying metal eggs?
ROMANA: What is it?
DOCTOR: It's alive.
ROMANA: What?
DOCTOR: The shell.
ROMANA: Oh, don't be ridiculous.
DOCTOR: Listen. Can't you hear?
ROMANA: What is it?
DOCTOR: It's the same noise we heard in the TARDIS. There must be a transmitter here.
ROMANA: In an eggshell?
DOCTOR: Well, somewhere, somewhere. It stands to reason.
ROMANA: Stands to reason.
DOCTOR: Yes. Stands to reason. Stupid expression, stands to reason.
DOCTOR: Why doesn't it lie down to reason? Much easier to reason lying down. Relaxes the cerebellum.)
DOCTOR: Yes! It's definitely the shell that's the transmitter. I wonder what it's transmitting, and to whom? Well, I suppose to whatever laid it. Hmm, that's not a very pleasant thought, is it, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Curious material. Almost looks as if it. Almost looks as if it were woven.
DOCTOR: Ow! That's sharp. Romana. Romana! Romana, would you come here a moment, please? Oh, hello.
DOCTOR: Have you seen my assistant? Romana! Romana! Obviously not. All right, I won't bother you then.
DOCTOR: Can you get these things off me?
DOCTOR: Did you get those things off me?
HUNTSMAN: Yes.
DOCTOR: Thank you very much.
HUNTSMAN: k*ll him.
DOCTOR: What? And just as we're all getting on so well?
HUNTSMAN: k*ll him.
DOCTOR: Look, I don't want to stand on protocol or anything like that, but couldn't you at least do the done thing and take me to your leader?
KARELA: Wait.
DOCTOR: Wait! Are you in charge here?
KARELA: I am.
DOCTOR: Thank you very much. You saved my life and I am a doctor. What are those things?
KARELA: Wolfweeds.
DOCTOR: Weeds? What, plant weeds?
KARELA: Of course. Specially grown in the Lady Adrasta's nurseries.
DOCTOR: Good lord. If I were you, I'd introduce her to geraniums before it's too late.
KARELA: What are you doing in the Place of Death?
DOCTOR: Oh, just pottering around. I have this insatiable curiosity, you see. Why do you call it the Place of Death?
KARELA: Because anyone found here is automatically condemned to death.
DOCTOR: Ah. Is that so? You know, I've always been fascinated by place names and I trust you'll make an exception in my case.
KARELA: Your commander says this is yours.
DOCTOR: My commander?
DOCTOR: Oh, that commander. Hello, commander.
KARELA: What is it?
DOCTOR: It's tricky to explain.
KARELA: What does it do?
DOCTOR: Oh, it travels. We travel in it. Look, I'll show you. You'll like it. Come along, Romana.
KARELA: Secure him. Travels? How? It has no wheels.
KARELA: I hope you're not lying, Doctor. The Lady Adrasta will want to question you.
DOCTOR: There was no need to go to all this trouble. All she had to do was make an appointment.
HUNTSMAN: Madam, the wolfweeds sense danger.
KARELA: We move out. Bring the woman.
DOCTOR: What do you think is going on?
ROMANA: I don't know. At least we're still alive.
DOCTOR: You realise, of course, we're being followed.
ROMANA: What?
HUNTSMAN: No talking!
DOCTOR: Hmm? Nice place you've got here, old chap. Very green.
HUNTSMAN: Silence!
DOCTOR: Yes. Sorry.
DOCTOR: Romana? Romana? Where's Romana?
HUNTSMAN: Captured. Shall we go after the girl, madam? The wolfweeds can follow the tracks.
KARELA: And lead us into another ambush? No, Huntsman.
DOCTOR: Who were they?
KARELA: Bandits. These hills are full of them. No traveller's safe. Unless you want to get your throat cut, you'd better keep up with us.
DOCTOR: Well, what about Romana?
KARELA: Oh, pray that they k*ll her quickly. Come on.
TORVIN: Oh, look at that. Pure bronze. Beautiful, beautiful.
TORVIN: Oh, lovely. Exquisite. Such shape, such form, such delightfully iron metal content.
TORVIN: Got anything promising for us? What have you brought old Torvin?
EDU: Her.
TORVIN: Her? What use is she? I mean, she's not metal, is she?
EDU: She's one of Lady Adrasta's ladies in waiting. She has to be. Look at her clothes.
TORVIN: What do her clothes matter to me? Cloth is easy enough to come by. Any metal on her?
EDU: No.
TORVIN: Oh, k*ll her, then. We've got enough mouths to feed.
EDU: Maybe we could ransom her?
TORVIN: Ransom? Use your brains. If she's one of Adrasta's ladies in waiting, Adrasta will hunt us down. k*ll her.
EDU: She could be valuable.
TORVIN: Valuable? Oh no, she's not valuable. Yeah, unless she's got a metal leg or something. k*ll her.
AINU: I say we don't k*ll her unless we vote on it.
EDU: He's right. You're not leader.
TORVIN: No, no, dear boy. Well, of course you must vote. So, vote. Yeah, well, I'm all for democracy.
KARELA: Wait there.
DOCTOR: Do you mind? I've got a terrible itch. Itchy nose. No, no, no, no, no. My nose, not your nose. Come on, come over here. Come on. Put your finger up like that. Now, you scratch my nose. Ooo, other side. That is so good. Atchoo!
DOCTOR: Sorry about that, fellows.
ADRASTA: Doctor!
DOCTOR: Ah.
DOCTOR: You know how it is when you get an itch.
ADRASTA: Perhaps I can be of help.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, thank you. There's no itch any more.
ADRASTA: Do let me take that thing off.
ADRASTA: I so like my guests to feel comfortable.
DOCTOR: Yes, it was a bit incommodious.
ADRASTA: It doesn't seem to have incommoded you too much, Doctor.
DOCTOR: I suppose you could say the yoke's on him, if you were the sort of person who said that sort of thing, which fortunately I'm not. You must be the Lady Adrasta.
ADRASTA: And you're the fellow who was found in the Place of Death.
DOCTOR: Yes! Do you know, I'll tell you something fascinating about that.
ADRASTA: Anyone found there is put to death.
DOCTOR: Oh, you knew. Well, don't you think you could at least put up a notice?
ADRASTA: Tell me, what did you make of the object? Some of the finest brains on Chloris have devoted years to trying to unravel the problem.
DOCTOR: Do you mean the egg?
ADRASTA: Egg?
DOCTOR: Yes.
ADRASTA: Are you sure?
DOCTOR: Well
ADRASTA: Have you seen anything like it before?
DOCTOR: No, but I'm full of theories about it.
ADRASTA: What kind of creature laid it?
DOCTOR: Lady Adrasta, I'd like to talk to you about these things, but at the moment I'm much more concerned about Romana.
ADRASTA: Ah yes, Madam Karela told me. Your commander.
DOCTOR: No, no, she's not my commander. She's my companion.
ADRASTA: Of course. I couldn't see a man of your obvious talents in a subordinate position.
DOCTOR: You couldn't see a man of my obvious talents in a sub. Oh, no, of course. You're very kind.
ADRASTA: Yes, aren't I. And I'll send a troop of guards to find her. See to it.
KARELA: Immediately, my lady.
ADRASTA: Don't worry, Doctor. My wolfweeds will hunt down those animals that took Romana.
DOCTOR: Hmm, I wonder what they'll do to her?
ADRASTA: The wolfweeds?
DOCTOR: No, the bandits.
ADRASTA: k*ll her quickly, if she's lucky.
DOCTOR: And if she's not?
ADRASTA: Slowly.
TORVIN: Ready, boys?
TORVIN: One, two.
TORVIN: Everybody voted? We're all agreed, then. Good, my lovely boys, good. k*ll her.
EDU: Now what will k*lling her achieve?
ROMANA: Go ahead.
TORVIN: What did you say?
ROMANA: I said, go ahead and k*ll me. Commit su1c1de. Listen to that hirsute moron.
TORVIN: Here, who are you calling hair suit?
ROMANA: You. Do you want to make something of it?
TORVIN: No, I just want to know what it means.
ROMANA: It means hairy.
EDU: What do you mean, my lady?
ROMANA: I should have thought that was obvious. Hairy, covered with hair.
EDU: No. What do you mean when you said we were committing su1c1de.
ROMANA: Well, if this Lady Adrasta, whoever she might be, is going to hunt you down for kidnapping me, what do you think she'll do if she finds out you've k*lled me?
EDU: She's right.
AINU: What do you mean, whoever Lady Adrasta might be? You're her lady in waiting, aren't you?
ROMANA: No.
AINU: Then who are you, milady?
ROMANA: That's the first intelligent question you've asked. I'm a traveller. I'm a Time Lord. And I am not used to being assaulted by a collection of hairy, grubby little men.
TORVIN: Well, she's no call to get personal.
ROMANA: I don't intend to get used to it, either. Sit down.
TORVIN: k*ll her!
ROMANA: Untie me.
TORVIN: Here, don't listen to her. She's only trying to trick you.
ROMANA: Sit. Sit.
ROMANA: That's better. Now, let's talk this over sensibly.
TORVIN: Here, what's this?
ROMANA: See for yourself.
TORVIN: Here, do you know what this is?
AINU: Yeah, it's a piece of metal.
TORVIN: Yeah, I know what it is, but what is it?
ROMANA: You blow through it.
TORVIN: What is it?
ROMANA: It's a whistle.
TORVIN: A whistle?
ROMANA: Go on. Try blowing harder.
TORVIN: Oh.
K9: Coming, mistress. Coming.
ADRASTA: Doctor, you said you had some theories about this eggshell?
DOCTOR: Yes. What is this thing?
ADRASTA: Later, Doctor. About the eggshell.
DOCTOR: Extraordinary texture. How long has it been there?
ADRASTA: We discovered it about fifteen years ago. The shell, Doctor.
DOCTOR: The shell?
ADRASTA: Yes. My huntsman heard you say that the shell was alive.
DOCTOR: Alive and screaming in pain.
ADRASTA: The shell? Then why can no one hear it?
DOCTOR: Because it can only be detected on very low frequency wavelengths.
ADRASTA: What's the shell screaming about?
DOCTOR: Ah. More to the point, for whom is it screaming? Its mummy? By the pyramids, imagine the size of its mummy.
ADRASTA: You heard?
TOLLUND: Yes, my lady.
DOCTOR: Who are these, the undertakers?
ADRASTA: Engineers. Doran and Tollund.
DOCTOR: Ah, how do you do?
TOLLUND: Our task is to discover the function of the object that you mistakenly called an eggshell.
DOCTOR: Why, what would you call it?
TOLLUND: Well, Engineer Doran, in his latest paper on the subject, has proved conclusively that it is part of an ancient building. Perhaps a temple.
DOCTOR: A temple. Ha!
ADRASTA: You're not convinced, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Convinced? Pooh.
ADRASTA: You still think it's a shell.
DOCTOR: Well, of course it is, of a sort.
TOLLUND: Well, I myself have calculated that a bird large enough to lay that egg would have to have a wingspan of at least a mile.
DOCTOR: Yes?
TOLLUND: Well, do you know many birds that large?
DOCTOR: No, but it isn't only birds that lay eggs, is it? Fishes do.
TOLLUND: Big fish.
DOCTOR: Oh, very big ones. Or a big reptile.
TOLLUND: Mmm, yes.
DOCTOR: Perhaps a gigantic frog.
DORAN: Really, Doctor. How do you account for the marks of intense heat on the exterior of the shell?
DOCTOR: Er, someone tried to fry the egg?
DORAN: My lady, this man is being facetious.
DOCTOR: He's quite right.
ADRASTA: Doran, I saw no mention in your paper that the shell was alive.
DORAN: It can't be, my lady. It's impossible. We detected nothing.
ADRASTA: But this man did.
DORAN: He's mistaken.
DOCTOR: Well, to be fair, I did have a couple of gadgets which he probably didn't, like a teaspoon and an open mind.
ADRASTA: You have failed me, Engineer Doran.
ADRASTA: Take him.
DORAN: My lady, I beg you. No, please, no!
DOCTOR: Where are they taking him?
ADRASTA: Come and see.
ADRASTA: Perhaps you will find it instructive.
DOCTOR: Yes, perhaps I will, and interesting too, I hope.
ADRASTA: Doctor, you know more about the shell than you're prepared to say. Perhaps a little demonstration will make you more cooperative. Bring him.
DOCTOR: Oh, how nice to meet a well-mannered guard.
ROMANA: I'm afraid I really must be frank with you. As bandits go, you're a pretty duff bunch.
TORVIN: Oh, you hear that, boys? We impressed the lady.
ROMANA: I'm afraid not. Well, I really must be going.
TORVIN: Going? What makes you think that you can get out of here alive?
ROMANA: My friend.
TORVIN: What's that?
ROMANA: It's a dog.
EDU: It's made of metal.
TORVIN: Metal. Must be worth a fortune.
ROMANA: K9, have you located the Doctor yet?
K9: Yes, mistress.
ROMANA: Good. Well, I really must be on my way. I do hope we don't meet again. I can't honestly say it's been a pleasure. Good day.
TORVIN: Leave your dog behind.
ROMANA: Certainly not.
TORVIN: Then you don't leave.
ROMANA: K9.
ROMANA: It's all right, he's not dead, only stunned. He'll come to in a minute, with a very sore head. But then I expect you're used to that. K9.
DOCTOR: What's this?
ADRASTA: We call it the Pit.
DOCTOR: Ah. You have such a way with words.
DORAN: No, no. Please, I beg you, please.
DOCTOR: Look, I don't know what you intend to do with Engineer Doran.
ADRASTA: Really?
DOCTOR: Well, I suggest you think again. After all, he may be a bit of an idiot, but at least he's a conscientious idiot, and even bad engineers are hard to come by on this side of the galaxy.
DOCTOR: What's that?
DORAN: No! No! No! No!
ADRASTA: Now, Doctor, are you prepared to be cooperative?
ROMANA (OOV.): Doctor!
DOCTOR: Romana, no!
ROMANA: It's all right. I've got K9.
ADRASTA: Seize her!
ROMANA: K9.
ADRASTA: att*ck! att*ck!
ROMANA: Good boy, K9.
ROMANA: K9?
ADRASTA: He's dead.
ROMANA: K9. K9.
ADRASTA: You must be Romana. Well, Doctor, now I have you both. Now you're bound to be cooperative.
ADRASTA: Well, Doctor?
`
The Doctor
Tom Baker
Romana
Lalla Ward
Voice of K9
David Brierley
Adrasta
Myra Frances
Organon
Geoffrey Bayldon
Karela
Eileen Way
Huntsman
David Telfer
Tollund
Morris Barry
Torvin
John Bryans
Edu
Edward Kelsey
Ainu
Tim Munro
Guards
Philip Denyer and Dave Redgrave
Doran
Terry Walsh
Guardmaster
Tommy Wright
Film Editor
M A C Adams
Production Assistant
Romey Allison
Film Cameraman
David Feig
Studio Lighting
Warwick Fielding
Title Music
Ron Grainer and the BBC Radiophonic Workshop
Theme arrangement
Delia Derbyshire
Costumes
June Hudson
Visual Effects
Mat Irvine
Special Sounds
d*ck Mills
Studio Sound
Anthony Philpott
Incidental Music
Dudley Simpson
Make-Up
Gillian Thomas
Assistant Floor Manager
Kate Osborne
David Tilley
Designer
Valerie Warrender
Production Unit Manager
John Nathan-Turner
Script Editor
Douglas Adams
Writer
David Fisher
Director
Christopher Barry
Producer
Graham Williams
Tom Baker
Romana
Lalla Ward
Voice of K9
David Brierley
Adrasta
Myra Frances
Organon
Geoffrey Bayldon
Karela
Eileen Way
Huntsman
David Telfer
Tollund
Morris Barry
Torvin
John Bryans
Edu
Edward Kelsey
Ainu
Tim Munro
Guards
Philip Denyer and Dave Redgrave
Doran
Terry Walsh
Guardmaster
Tommy Wright
Film Editor
M A C Adams
Production Assistant
Romey Allison
Film Cameraman
David Feig
Studio Lighting
Warwick Fielding
Title Music
Ron Grainer and the BBC Radiophonic Workshop
Theme arrangement
Delia Derbyshire
Costumes
June Hudson
Visual Effects
Mat Irvine
Special Sounds
d*ck Mills
Studio Sound
Anthony Philpott
Incidental Music
Dudley Simpson
Make-Up
Gillian Thomas
Assistant Floor Manager
Kate Osborne
David Tilley
Designer
Valerie Warrender
Production Unit Manager
John Nathan-Turner
Script Editor
Douglas Adams
Writer
David Fisher
Director
Christopher Barry
Producer
Graham Williams