BY: TERENCE DUDLEY
Part One
Original Air Date: 18 January 1982
Running time: 23:36
ADRIC: Oh, we've stopped. We're there, Nyssa. Get the Doctor, will you?
NYSSA: Yes.
ADRIC: We've arrived.
DOCTOR: Oh. A bit ahead of schedule. When was your flight again?
TEGAN: A778, seventeen thirty hours.
DOCTOR: February the twenty eighth, 1981. Oh, you'll have time for a cup of tea. It's only sixteen fifteen hours.
TEGAN: Doesn't look much like Heathrow to me.
DOCTOR: Last time I was there, they were doing strange things to Terminal three. Oh. No, you're right. It doesn't.
ADRIC: Well, don't look at me. I set the coordinates as you instructed. Six three zero niner in the inner spiral arm of Galaxia Kiklos.
TEGAN: But Heathrow is on the M4, not Corfu.
DOCTOR: Oh, Adric's just showing off. He means the Milky Way, your galaxy. Ha! Massive magnetic field shift.
ADRIC: Looks like some kind of a control room.
DOCTOR: I suppose it could be part of the Piccadilly Line.
TEGAN: Good. Then I can catch a train.
DOCTOR: No. No, no, wait, wait, wait. The atmosphere's wrong.
TEGAN: What?
DOCTOR: Diminution of oxygen, nitrogen, traces of mercurial compound, intense proton activity.
NYSSA: I thought Earth was meant to be primitive.
TEGAN: Oh, did you.
NYSSA: Their instrumentation is very advanced. That looks like a resonant stroboscope.
TEGAN: What's that when it's at home?
NYSSA: But it is home.
DOCTOR: Er, I'm going to take a look around. Now, none of you is to leave here. Is that clearly understood? Good.
DOCTOR: Spaceship or laboratory?
MONARCH (OOV.): I would look at the intrusion again.
MONARCH (OOV.): Well?
ENLIGHTENMENT (OOV.): It is not in my memory.
PERSUASION (OOV.): Nor in mine.
MONARCH (OOV.): I would look again at the humanoid.
TEGAN: He's taking his time.
ADRIC: Yes. I've never known him hurry anything.
TEGAN: Is there another space pack?
ADRIC: Yes.
NYSSA: He told us to stay here.
TEGAN: Well, perhaps he's in trouble.
ADRIC: Oh, he's always in trouble, Tegan, or haven't you noticed? It amuses him.
TEGAN: Well, it doesn't amuse me. He promised to get me back to Heathrow. He'll lose me my job.
ADRIC: No, he won't. Be patient.
TEGAN: Patient? After all I've been through since I came through that door? My aunt reduced to so long. You must be joking.
ADRIC: Look, we're fifth dimensional in this thing. He'll get you on your flight if he's out there a week.
TEGAN: And what do we do in the meantime?
ADRIC: You could always read.
TEGAN: Read?
ADRIC: Yes. There's a fascinating book on maths through there by a chap called Burt Russell.
TEGAN: Maths?
ADRIC: That's the trouble with women. Mindless, impatient and bossy.
TEGAN: You chauvinist. I heard that.
ADRIC: You were meant to.
NYSSA: I heard it too. You mean this? Mindless.
ADRIC: Well, yes, but you're not a woman.
NYSSA: I'm not?
ADRIC: No. You're only a girl.
MONARCH (OOV.): He now knows he's observed.
ENLIGHTENMENT (OOV.): What an enchanting smile.
NYSSA: Still no sign of him.
ADRIC: Can't be far.
NYSSA: How do you know?
ADRIC: By the look of things, there's not really very far he can go.
NYSSA: You don't know that either. Just look at that.
ADRIC: What does that thing do?
NYSSA: I thought you knew all about it. It increases density.
ADRIC: What for?
NYSSA: To reduce matter, of course.
ADRIC: What matter?
NYSSA: The Doctor's, perhaps?
ADRIC: That's ridiculous.
NYSSA: Is it?
MONARCH (OOV.): Control, report on the molecular structure of that artefact.
DOCTOR: Well, we're in motion, so we can be pretty sure it's a spaceship.
TEGAN: So much for promises. You've lost me my job.
DOCTOR: Patience.
TEGAN: Men.
DOCTOR: And it appears to be unmanned. Adric, through there, space packs. No need to bother with the visors.
ADRIC: Yes, Doctor.
DOCTOR: There's a lot to interest you out there, young lady. Highly advanced, innovative stuff.
NYSSA: That's a resonant stroboscope, isn't it.
DOCTOR: Yes. There appears to be nothing but machinery out there, but we are under scrutiny. There's a monopticon out there.
NYSSA: What's that?
DOCTOR: Well, I suppose it would be best described as a sort of mobile black eye with a hypnotic stare.
DOCTOR: Whoever or whatever is running this ship knows we're here, so we'll have a little scrutiny for ourselves. Should we meet anyone, you take your cue from me. (to Tegan) Spare key. Should we be separated, we come back here.
TEGAN: But can't I stay here?
DOCTOR: Yes, if you like, stay here. Adric?
TEGAN: No, I'll come.
DOCTOR: Hello, again. You must be having a ball.
DOCTOR (on monitor): Friends of mine.
CONTROL: Molecular structure of intruding artefact consistent with destination Earth and its solar system.
DOCTOR: Amazing work. Worthy of Gallifrey. Non-corrosive alloys, saturated polymers. Highly advanced.
NYSSA: Look at that!
DOCTOR: Yes! An interferometer.
ADRIC: What's that?
NYSSA: This one's for measuring gravitation waves.
DOCTOR: But we could use it on the time curve circuits.
NYSSA: Look, a graviton crystal detector.
ADRIC: What's that for?
NYSSA: Same thing.
DOCTOR: Belts and braces.
NYSSA: Except on Traken, the interferometer superceded the crystal.
DOCTOR: Yes. That's what's interesting. See if you can get it going.
MONARCH (OOV.): I would again look closer at the tallest. He would appear to be the senior.
DOCTOR: Ah, magnetic shield. Ahem. I mean you no harm. I wonder, could you tell me who or what you are? And where we are?
MONARCH (OOV.): They appear to be Earthlings, and this one not without intelligence or technological education.
DOCTOR: I, er, I know we're trespassing, but I would like an opportunity to explain the circumstances, if you'd be so kind.
ADRIC: Doctor, don't we have some kind of a sonic
DOCTOR: So, your lips are sealed. Well, would it be in order for you to take me to your leader? If you have a leader, that is.
TEGAN: Look! A door!
DOCTOR: Oh. Well, that's a friendly gesture. Thank you. Er, perhaps one of us should stay with Nyssa, Adric.
ADRIC: No!
DOCTOR: Good man. Come on. We'll see you both later.
DOCTOR: Ah, a twib.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
ADRIC: Look, just go away, will you?
NYSSA: Calm down. It won't bite.
ADRIC: How do you know?
NYSSA: Because.
ADRIC: I don't know why the Doctor made me stay here anyway.
NYSSA: Come over here.
ADRIC: You know I'm no good with my hands.
ENLIGHTENMENT (OOV.): Her attire is interesting. It obviously reflects a different culture.
PERSUASION (OOV.): How can Earthlings have penetrated us?
ENLIGHTENMENT (OOV.): Can they have learned the error of their ways? Are they now pacified and cooperative? Is our arrival to be simpler than expected?
MONARCH (OOV.): More. Can their technology now be advanced as mine?
TEGAN: How much further?
NYSSA: It's no good, we'll have to take the readings out here. You know where the time curve circuits are, don't you?
ADRIC: Of course.
NYSSA: Well, fetch them. I'll set up.
DOCTOR: Here we are.
TEGAN: At last.
MONARCH: Welcome. I am Monarch.
DOCTOR: You look as if you might be.
MONARCH: And this is Enlightenment.
DOCTOR: Enlightenment, how do you do.
ENLIGHTENMENT: How do you do.
MONARCH: And this is Persuasion.
DOCTOR: Friendly, I hope.
MONARCH: And you are?
DOCTOR: I am the Doctor.
ENLIGHTENMENT: A doctor? Of what?
DOCTOR: Of everything.
PERSUASION: How modest.
MONARCH: An Earthling.
DOCTOR: A Gallifreyan. Tegan is an Earthling, Adric is an Alzarian, and Nyssa there is from Traken.)
PERSUASION: You come in peace?
DOCTOR: Of course. And inadvertently, as a matter of fact.
MONARCH: Control, release full life support atmosphere, please. Remove your encumbrances.
DOCTOR: Thank you. May I ask who you are?
MONARCH: I am the supreme leader of the people of Urbanka, in the solar system of Inokshi in the galaxy RA one four eight nine.
DOCTOR: Goodness me, you are a long way from home.
MONARCH: As indeed are you. You must be tired. Control, refreshments for our guests.
DOCTOR: You're very kind.
MONARCH: I am merely civilised.
ENLIGHTENMENT: Is that what the best-dressed Earthling women are wearing these days?
TEGAN: These days?
ENLIGHTENMENT: It's two and a half thousand years since we were last there.
TEGAN: Two thousand five hundred years?
MONARCH: Yes, our planets are rather far apart. We come as often as we can. Control, isolate the girl.
DOCTOR: You know, I drop in from time to time myself, and nothing on Earth changes quite so often as the fashion. You wouldn't believe the way some people look. Some of them even wear safety pins.
ENLIGHTENMENT: Safety pins?
PERSUASION: A defence mechanism?
DOCTOR: Earrings.
ENLIGHTENMENT: How barbaric.
DOCTOR: Yes. A lot of it about.
ENLIGHTENMENT: Are you fashionable, Tegan?
TEGAN: This is my uniform.
ENLIGHTENMENT: What is your manner of dress when not in uniform?
TEGAN: It's difficult to explain. Have you got a piece of paper?
TEGAN: Thanks. Pen? Pencil?
TEGAN: That'll do.
ADRIC: Nyssa? Nyssa! Nyssa?
ADRIC: Nyssa? Nyssa? Where is she? I said, where is she?
MONARCH: Is this one of your drop in times, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Drop in times?
MONARCH: Your visits to planet Earth.
DOCTOR: Yes, I promised to put Tegan on her plane.
MONARCH: Her astral plane?
DOCTOR: Yes, in a sense. They go from Heathrow Airport.
MONARCH: This is not Heathrow Airport.
DOCTOR: No, not even the quarantine area.
MONARCH: Forgive my curiosity as to how your craft came aboard.
DOCTOR: An error. My assistant miscalculated the coordinates.
TEGAN: Too right he did.
DOCTOR: Or it could have been your dense magnetic field causing a fluctuation of my artron energy.
MONARCH: What energy is that?
MONARCH: You possess an energy you do not understand?
DOCTOR: Yes. Silly, isn't it. Only my professor at the Academy seemed to understand it. Just goes to show how academic everything is.
MONARCH: Hmm. Ah, the boy who got his sums wrong.
ADRIC: No, I didn't. I'm a mathematician.
MONARCH: Mathematician, eh? Well, what do you understand by e=mc2
ADRIC: Doctor.
DOCTOR: Come on, Adric, explain the formula.
ADRIC: Doctor, where's Nyssa? Energy equals mass time the speed of light squared.
MONARCH: You grasp the theory of relativity?
ADRIC: Doesn't everyone?
TEGAN: No, I don't. And if we don't get back to Heathrow, I'm going to lose my job.
ADRIC: Study maths and you might get a better one.
TEGAN: I don't want a better one.
DOCTOR: Come along, children. Not in front of our hosts.
MONARCH: You will be escorted to your refreshments.
DOCTOR: Thank you, Monarch.
PERSUASION: Majesty.
DOCTOR: Majesty.
MONARCH: Well done, Enlightenment. These will eliminate the need for telemicrographics, and may prove to be more reliable. I would inspect their craft.
ADRIC: But, look, Doctor
DOCTOR: I'm sure she's all right.
DOCTOR: What did I tell you?
ADRIC: Are you all right?
NYSSA: Just about.
DOCTOR: Ah, there you are. That's reassuring.
MONARCH: Laser key.
MONARCH: Directional cobalt flux.
MONARCH: This artefact is too primitive to defy my technology.
NYSSA: Doctor, I tell you it was a humanoid.
BIGON: Welcome. My name is Bigon.
DOCTOR: Hello. I'm the Doctor. This is Tegan, Adric and Nyssa.
BIGON: We've met.
DOCTOR: Are you an Earthling?
BIGON: Yes.
DOCTOR: Greek?
BIGON: Athenian.
DOCTOR: What are you doing here?
BIGON: Will it please you to eat and drink? A simple meal. Vegetarian. Citrus fruits, apples, nut, avocado pears and grape juice.
ADRIC: Oh, a small river fruit.
BIGON: Avocado pear.
ADRIC: Er, could anyone pass the sodium chloride, please?
TEGAN: Sodium chloride?
DOCTOR: Salt. If you're an Earthling, how do you come to be on this ship?
KURKUTJI: Oolalaga itanga Kurkutji. Iyinta oogana intanda.
TEGAN: Angalawe itanga Tegan.
KURKUTJI: Tegan. No ango p'unkupo.
TEGAN: U'unkupo. Maka nempita?
DOCTOR: You speak the dialect?
TEGAN: Well, he's an Australian aborigine.
DOCTOR: Well, I know that. What's he saying?
TEGAN: Well, he's welcoming us in the name of peace.
DOCTOR: What's he doing here?
TEGAN: I was asking.
DOCTOR: Sorry to interrupt.
TEGAN: Make nempita kukuch?
KURKUTJI: Koolalaka kap ti pampoon.
TEGAN: He says he's going walkabout to the time of the dreaming.
DOCTOR: The dreaming?
TEGAN: Heaven. He says he's going to heaven. We're all going to heaven.
MONARCH: As I've always said, out of the mouths of primates and primitives.
DOCTOR: When does he expect to get there?
TEGAN: I'm frightened.
NYSSA: So am I.
DOCTOR: Is that where you're going?
BIGON: I'm not a believer.
DOCTOR: No, of course you're not.
BIGON: Allow me to present Princess Villagra.
DOCTOR: How do you do, your Highness.
BIGON: The princess has vowed not to talk again until she is reunited with her people.
DOCTOR: Who are her people?
BIGON: The Mayan people of the Americas.
DOCTOR: Goodness, that's going back a bit.
LIN FUTU: Greetings.
DOCTOR: Greetings.
LIN FUTU: I am Lin Futu.
DOCTOR: Well, I'd never have guessed it. You look in the best of health to me.
LIN FUTU: Thank you.
DOCTOR: You're all Earthlings. What are you doing on this ship? Are you hostages, is that it?
DOCTOR (on monitor): Well, Bigon?
MONARCH: Tell them nothing.
BIGON: You have not been told by Monarch?
DOCTOR: No.
BIGON: Then we must be silent on this.
ENLIGHTENMENT: His Majesty commands me to tell you that we arrive on planet Earth in four days. He invites you to complete your journey as his guests.
DOCTOR: Well, that's very civil of His Majesty. Who are you?
PERSUASION: We've already met. This is Enlightenment, and I am Persuasion.
`
The Doctor
Peter Davison
Adric
Matthew Waterhouse
Tegan
Janet Fielding
Nyssa
Sarah Sutton
Bigon
Philip Locke
Enlightenment
Annie Lambert
Kurkutji
Illarrio Bisi-Pedro
Lin Futu
Burt Kwouk
Monarch
Stratford Johns
Persuasion
Paul Shelley
Villagra
Nadia Hammam
Assistant Floor Manager
Val McCrimmon
Choreographer
Sue Lefton
Costumes
Colin Lavers
Designer
Tony Burrough
Fight Arranger
B H Barry
Incidental Music
Roger Limb
Make-Up
Dorka Nieradzik
Producer
John Nathan-Turner
Production Assistant
Jean Davis
Production Associate
Angela Smith
Script Editor
Antony Root
Special Sounds
d*ck Mills
Studio Lighting
Don Babbage
Studio Sound
Alan Machin
Theme Arrangement
Peter Howell
Title Music
Ron Grainer
Visual Effects
Mickey Edwards
Peter Davison
Adric
Matthew Waterhouse
Tegan
Janet Fielding
Nyssa
Sarah Sutton
Bigon
Philip Locke
Enlightenment
Annie Lambert
Kurkutji
Illarrio Bisi-Pedro
Lin Futu
Burt Kwouk
Monarch
Stratford Johns
Persuasion
Paul Shelley
Villagra
Nadia Hammam
Assistant Floor Manager
Val McCrimmon
Choreographer
Sue Lefton
Costumes
Colin Lavers
Designer
Tony Burrough
Fight Arranger
B H Barry
Incidental Music
Roger Limb
Make-Up
Dorka Nieradzik
Producer
John Nathan-Turner
Production Assistant
Jean Davis
Production Associate
Angela Smith
Script Editor
Antony Root
Special Sounds
d*ck Mills
Studio Lighting
Don Babbage
Studio Sound
Alan Machin
Theme Arrangement
Peter Howell
Title Music
Ron Grainer
Visual Effects
Mickey Edwards