PART ONE
Written by Malcolm Kohll
Original air date: 02nd November, 1987
Run time: 24:47
Planet surface
Gavrok: Take no prisoners! k*ll them all!
Delta: Are you strong enough to run?
Chima: Run where? They've firebombed every ship we have.
Delta: Then we'll have to take one of theirs. Now!
Spaceship
Delta: I'll cover the hatch.
Gavrok: You are the last survivor, but not for long.
Delta: You saved my life, Chima. I'm sorry.
Chima: Go. Get away. Take this with you.
Planet surface
Gavrok: Help!
TARDIS
Tollmaster: (O.C.): Attention, incoming craft. You're approaching Tollport G seven one five. Please have your credits ready.
The Doctor: It's strange how in some galaxies these tollports spring up all over the place like mushrooms, yet in others you can go for light years without seeing a single one.
Mel: Doctor...
The Doctor: I think it relates to the way that space is being developed. I mean, there never has been a consistent three dimensional planning policy.
Mel: Doctor, something doesn't look right. Only the landing lights are on. It looks abandoned.
The Doctor: And by completely ignoring the overspill from the fourth dimension they sometimes build one port right on top of the other, only realising it when there's an interface slippage.
Mel: Doctor, this is serious. There's something wrong.
The Doctor: Yes, it is serious. I don't seem to have any change. Er, take five credits from the kitty, Mel.
Mel: There's nothing in here again.
The Doctor: That kitty defies all known laws of physics. I keep filling it up and it's always empty. Mel, there's something wrong. Only their landing lights are on.
Tollport G715
Tollmaster (O.C.): Tollport G seven one five. Please have your credits ready.
Tollmaster (O.C.): Tollport G seven one five. Tollport G seven one five.
The Doctor: Mel, I don't like the look of this one little bit.
Mel: Me too. It's spooky.
The Doctor: Get ready to run back into the TARDIS at the first sign of trouble.
Mel: Okay.
Tollmaster (O.C.): Halt!
The Doctor: Who's there? Why don't you come out of the light and show yourself?
Tollmaster: Surprise, surprise! By Jove, yes. Welcome, friends. A thousand welcomes.
The Doctor: It's a funny way to welcome your friends. We thought you'd been att*cked by space pirates. Now, about this toll fee...
Tollmaster: Toll fee? Tonight is your lucky night. Because You are our ten billionth customer.
The Doctor: Ten billion customers?
Tollmaster: And one.
The Doctor: You mean to say ten billion people have come here?
Tollmaster: Exactly.
The Doctor: Congratulations. Now, about this toll fee.
Tollmaster: But, but you've won! You've won the grand prize.
Mel: What is it? I've never won anything before.
Tollmaster: Your prize. Hang about. You have won our fabulous Fifties tour. A week, a whole week, in Disneyland, planet Earth. And this time, they're going back to 1959. The rock and roll years.
Mel: Oh, that's fantastic! Oh, let's go, Doctor. Please agree. Our last holiday wasn't exactly ice hot. Oh, please?
The Doctor: A holiday? Yes, a week's holiday would be quite pleasant. A green swarth, a babbling brook, birds twittering.
Welsh countryside
The Doctor (O.C.): Just what's required. A large dose of tranquillity.
Weismuller: I never had a red alert before.
Hawk: Me neither.
Weismuller: I think we'd better find a telephone real fast.
Hawk: Out here?
Weismuller: Get in the car. Get in the car.
Weismuller: Hello, will you put me through to the White House, Washington DC? This is a priority call, code eleven.
Weismuller: Hello? This is Agent Jerome P Weismuller speaking from Wales, in England. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Oh, oh yes, sir. We'll get right on it, sir.
Hawk: Well?
Weismuller: That was the President's right hand man. Wow!
Hawk: Come on, Weismuller, spill the beans. Why the red alert?
Weismuller: He says that Cape Canaveral has fired a space rocket with an artificial satellite.
Hawk: This is history in the making, Weismuller. What are we supposed to do about it?
Weismuller: Surveillance, Hawk, surveillance. We've been selected. It's our job to track the thing.
Tollport G715
Mel: Are we going to have a whole space cruiser to ourselves?
Tollmaster: Oh, no. You're going on a scheduled tour with the Navarino's 1950's club.
The Doctor: Navarinos from the tribe on Navarro? Squat, wrinkly, purply creatures? Won't they be a little conspicuous on Earth?
Tollmaster: Oh, I don't think so. Not now. They've been through a transformation arch. Now, follow me. We must stick to time. Everyone knows I'm a stickler for time.
Adlon: Come on.
Bollit: Don't be a coward.
Adlon: Come on, it doesn't hurt. Come on, come on. That's it.
Murray: Thank you very much. Thank you.
The Doctor: Who's that?
Tollmaster: Oh, that's Murray, your pilot.
The Doctor: Oh, this is going to be very interesting.
Mel: What is?
The Doctor: Nostalgia Trips, the most notorious travel firm in the five galaxies. It was a Nostalgia Trip cruiser that got stuck with the glass eaters of Tharl.
Mel: Oh, dear.
Tollmaster: Yes, well, they may have had one or two little problems in the past, but that's all sorted out now.
Mel: But the brochure shows a space cruiser, not an old bus.
Tollmaster: Old bus? This is a very expensive conversion. The chassis and the engine, they're from a Helstrom Two, the very latest thing in space cruisers. The old-fashioned bodywork, well, that's just to please the tourists. We're not fools, you know.
Murray: I've been through that thing a hundred times and I still don't like it. Oh, welcome aboard. I'm Murray.
Mel: I'm Mel and this is the Doctor.
Murray: That's great. Knowing Nostalgia Trips, we may need a doctor. Come on, folks. All aboard!
The Doctor: Mel, you go ahead on the bus. I'll follow on in the TARDIS.
Mel: Thanks.
Murray: Oh, you don't think the old bus'll make it, Doctor? Underneath this streamliner shell is a Helstrom Fireball engine. None finer.
Tollmaster: Come along, folks. All aboard. Have fun. Remember your time. 1959. Is that your husband or have you brought the bulldog with you? Oh, kiss me quick. My goodness me, what a time we're going to have.
Spaceship
Gavrok (on monitor): You cannot escape me. Wherever you go, I will track you down.
Delta: My people will survive, Gavrok.
Gavrok (on monitor): You are the last. Turn back. There is nowhere you can hide.
Delta: Your trace finder can follow my ship, but you'll never take me.
Tollmaster (O.C.): Attention, incoming craft. You are approaching Tollport G seven one five. Please have your credits ready.
Gavrok's spaceship
Gavrok: She's somehow switched off the homing trace. Visual pursuit. Copy her vector.
Gavrok: You're overshooting, fool. She went into that space toll.
Tollmaster (O.C.): Attention, incoming craft. You're approach...
Nostalgia Trips bus
Murray: Please keep your seats during the flight and no dancing in the aisles. Now, are we all feeling fine?
All: Yes!
Murray: All right. 1959, here we come!
Welsh countryside
Hawk: That better? Do you hear anything yet?
Weismuller: No, no, nothing. All I get is something called Housewives' Choice. I can't even get any rock and roll.
Hawk: No signal from the satellite?
Weismuller: No. Come on down. You try. I tell you, it's hopeless, Hawk. That thing could be anywhere.
Nostalgia Trips bus
Murray: Come on now, all of you sing.
Mel: Do you often do the Fifties run?
Murray: Ah ha. I love that sort of thing. The music, the haircuts, the baggy suits.
Mel: Where are you from?
Murray: You're not a late arrival from the Navarino party, are you?
Delta: No. I'm a Chimeron.
Welsh countryside
Hawk: Forget it, Weismuller. Without those coordinates, we're sh**ting in the dark.
Weismuller: I am not making that call, and that's that.
Hawk: The boss said we were to share everything. That includes responsibility, you know.
Weismuller: Let me tell you something. If they think we fouled up, they'll be ringing us every five minutes. Now you go ahead and make that call.
Weismuller: Hello? Agent Weismuller speaking. Oh, no, sir. No, no, nothing yet. Oh gee, that's too bad. Oh. Oh, oh, yes sir. Yes, we'll do our very best, sir. Thank you.
Hawk: What's up?
Weismuller: Bad news. That satellite has gone haywire, and the scientists think it's going to fall to Earth somewhere around here. And the President wants us to find it before certain enemy powers get their mitts on it.
Hawk: If we don't screw up on this one, it could mean promotion. We could go home, Weismuller. Home.
Weismuller: Home. The wife.
Nostalgia Trips bus
Murray: Keep calm, folks. We're just experiencing a little technical difficulty.
Outside Shangri La
Murray: Oh, thanks, Doctor. We ran into this piece of space junk. What did you do?
The Doctor: Well, I simply applied the TARDIS vortex drive to generate an antigravity spiral to halt your descent. Sorry about the bumpy landing. A miscalculation.
Murray: We could sure use a guy like you at head office.
The Doctor: The satellite seems to have jammed your navigational pod. Ah, hello, Mel. Nice trip?
Murray: Hey, this doesn't look like Disneyland.
The Doctor: No, well, according to my reckoning, it seems to be somewhere in, er, Wales.
Murray: We've got to do something with all these people till we get the bus fixed.
The Doctor: Maybe that series of primitive dwellings could be used as some sort of way station.
Mel: It's a holiday camp.
The Doctor: Excellent. Just what we're looking for.
Mel: Oh, but Doctor, it looks. I don't know, it looks a bit grim.
The Doctor: Oh, don't go by appearances, Mel. Often the most interesting people stay at these places. This is the real Fifties.
Shangri La
Burton: Oh, hello! Expected you hours ago. Trouble with the bus, is it? Oh, it happens all the time. Still, you're not far from the chalets.
Murray: Do you mind if we rest at the camp until we get the bus shipshape?
Burton: Mind, my dear boy? That is what we are here for. Welcome, campers. I am your camp leader while you are here at Shangri La. My name is Burton, and if there's anything you need, just ask. Follow me, isn't it.
Murray: That's right, folks. Follow, er, Burton. He'll look after you until the cruiser's ready to roll. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Chalet area
Burton: Now, follow me. Welcome to Shangri La, where your dreams come true. Now, you will all be sharing cabins, but we all eat together. Over there is the dining hall with the shower block behind. Breakfast is at eight, lunch is at one, and supper is at six. Any questions? Splendid. Right, you two. Follow me and I'll show you to your chalet.
Mel and Delta's chalet
Burton: Right, you will find a list of our rules and regulations behind the door. Any questions? Splendid.
Mel: Not that it really makes much difference, but which bed would you like? I don't really mind. One's about as good as the other. Look, I know it isn't like the brochure, but don't be too upset.
Delta: How long are we in this place for?
Mel: Till the bus is fixed.
Delta: And then?
Mel: Well, then it's off to Disneyland, I suppose.
Delta: It might give me enough time.
Outside the chalets
Burton: Oh, look, your chalet is number one oh one in row Y. Oh, if you need any help with the bus, I'm sure our young mechanic will be pleased to assist. I'll see you at lunch, is it?
Billy: Hi, I'm Billy.
Murray: Murray.
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor.
Billy: Old man Burton said there was something wrong with your bus, is that right?
Murray: Well, we hit this low orbital satellite, which jammed the navi-pod and here we are.
Mel and Delta's chalet
Mel: Look, I can see something's bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?
Delta: No.
By the bus
The Doctor: Ah, this is the cause of the problem. An extremely crude low orbital satellite capable only of the most rudimentary of radio transmissions.
Murray: Ah, thanks, Doctor. I've got to fill in an accident report, otherwise head office will withdraw my licence. As it is, it's touch and go.
Billy: I've never seen an engine like that.
Murray: Yes, it's a Helstrom Fireball. Capable of warp five in a good tail wind.
Billy: What exactly is it you want to do?
The Doctor: Well, you see that navi-pod? It needs to be unbolted so we can replace the broken crystal.
Billy: Right.
The Doctor: Now, inside this box is the only Quarb crystal this side of Softel nebula.
Murray: Thank goodness you came along, Doctor. Head office says it's my last chance to make good.
The Doctor: Ah, well done. Now, carefully does it.
Ray: Hi, Billy.
Billy: Oh, hi, Rachel. This is Murray and the Doctor.
Ray: Please call me Ray. Oh, do you guys want a hand?
Murray: You haven't by chance got a one and five eights socket, have you?
The Doctor: Do you always carry around a full set of tools with you?
Ray: Oh, it's what Billy taught me, always to be prepared.
The Doctor: A stitch in time fills up space.
Murray: Oh! I've broken it! Your crystal. No licence, no job, no future.
The Doctor: Well, if you think it might help, I could transport everyone in the TARDIS.
Murray: No, thank you, Doctor. The captain never leaves his ship.
The Doctor: Hmm. Well, there is another alternative. I could accelerate growth in the thermo-booster and create a crystal in about er, twenty four hours.
Murray: That's fantastic. You've saved my life, Doctor. I can't see any problem staying here for twenty four hours.
Ray: Oh, great. I'll see you all at the dance, then.
Murray: A dance? With live music?
Ray: Ah ha. Billy here plays great rock and roll.
Murray: Sounds too good to miss.
Ray: Okay. See you later, alligator.
Murray: I love all that fifties talk.
The Doctor: Yes. A most personable young lady. Practical, too. She seems very fond of you, Billy.
Billy: She's all right. Like my little sister, you know. Now, if you don't need me for anything else, I think I'll go wash up for dinner.
Murray: Oh, sounds like a good idea. All this spannering really works up an appetite.
Mel and Delta's chalet
Delta: What's that?
Mel: It's the dinner gong. I think I'll finish unpacking later. I'll go and get something to eat.
Delta: Can you be trusted?
Mel: Yes, completely. Discretion's my middle name. I'll see you later.
Tollport G715
Gavrok: Come on, son. Tell me her destination and I will let you live.
Tollmaster: I can't. It's more than my job's worth. It's strictly confidential.
Gavrok: I'm getting tired of this. Tell me now!
Tollmaster: They were going, they were going to Disneyland, planet Earth. When they struck the satellite, they were blown off course. I don't know where.
Gavrok: Can you not do better than that?
Tollmaster: Honestly, I don't know.
Gavrok: I can see that you have done your best. Let him go.
Tollmaster: Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, sir. Thank you, thank you gentlemen. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Gavrok: We've wasted enough time here. Plot a course for Earth. I want every informer throughout the galaxy to look for her.
Main hall
Mel: Doctor, there's something odd here.
The Doctor: Well, it is home, for the moment. At least until the navi-pod's fixed. Personally speaking, I rather like it.
Mel: I'm determined to try and enjoy myself if I can.
The Doctor: Excellent.
The Doctor: About your room mate.
Mel: She's got a g*n. She's very on edge.
The Doctor: Have you managed to speak to her at all?
Mel: Of course, but she's totally withdrawn. It makes me nervous.
The Doctor: If she's who I think she is, then she's in danger.
Mel: From someone here?
The Doctor: That's what we've got to find out.
Burton: Well, this is to remind you that tonight we are having our Get To Know You dance.
All: Hooray!
Burton: Everyone is most welcome, from eight till late.
The Doctor: Try to get her to come to the dance. It might relax her, and then maybe she'll speak with us later on.
Mel: I'll see what I can do.
Billy: What do you think of it, Doctor? I built it myself from spare parts from the w*r.
The Doctor: How appropriate.
Billy: What?
The Doctor: I said, for a primitive piece of technology it certainly delivers the decibels.
Billy: That's what rock and roll's all about.
Billy: Well, I never felt more like singing the blues, cos I never thought that I'd ever lose your love, dear. Why'd you do me this way?
Murray: Hey, this is great. The 1950 nights back on Navarro were never like this.
Billy: The dream is gone I thought was mine.
Ray: See, Doctor? It's not as bad as all that, now, is it?
The Doctor: Bad? No. Rather nice, in fact.
Ray: Oh, let's go down to the front. I can't see Billy properly from here.
The Doctor: Er, have you known each other long?
Ray: Oh, since we were children. I even learnt all about motorbikes in the hope it'd make him notice me, but it doesn't seem to have made a blind bit of difference.
The Doctor: Come on, let's go down to the front.
Billy: Thanks, mates. And now, a romantic number from across the pond, for a very special lady in the audience. Why do fools fall in love.
The Doctor: I was wondering, Ray, if...
Ray: Thank you, Doctor, I'd love to.
Welsh countryside
Weismuller: Throw some more wood on the fire, Hawk.
Hawk: Why don't you, Weismuller?
Weismuller: Because you're nearer to the flap, Hawk. Go on, go on, go on, get out of here.
Hawk: I'll get you, Weismuller. I'll get you.
Outside the main hall
The Doctor: Great dance.
Murray: Oh, it's hot in there.
The Doctor: Ah, you Navarinos have a notoriously high metabolic rate.
Murray: That hula hoop competition nearly finished me off.
The Doctor: Excuse me, Murray.
Murray: Hey, you'll miss the last dance, Doctor!
Laundry store
Ray: Oh, hi. I was just, er...
Ray: Oh, Doctor, am I being a fool? Billy didn't even offer to take me home.
The Doctor: There, there. There's many a slap twixt a cup and a lap, Ray.
Ray: But somehow I always thought Billy and me would end up together. Oh, it shows how wrong you can be. Oh, listen to me.
Ray: We're not supposed to be in here.
Keillor: Connect me with the Bannerman leader.
Gavrok (O.C.): Gavrok here. Go ahead.
Keillor: I understand you're offering a reward for the Chimeron queen.
Gavrok (O.C.): Affirmative. One million units.
Keillor: I've found her. Repeat, I've found her.
Gavrok (O.C.): What is your status?
Keillor: I'm a soldier of fortune. Now, do you want to trade or not?
Gavrok (O.C.): Affirmative.
Keillor: She's at a place called Shangri La, in South Wales, Western Hemisphere, Earth. Now lock into this signal to guide you in.
Gavrok (O.C.): The reward will be yours when we arrive. End transmission.
Mel and Delta's chalet
Delta: Thank you.
Mel: What for?
Delta: For lending me your dress. For making an effort to be kind.
Mel: Oh, I'd help anyone in trouble, if I could.
Delta: Mel, there's something you should know.
Delta: My baby. My beautiful baby.
Laundry store
Keillor: What an unexpected bonus. You're the traveller in time they call the Doctor. Your death will make me richer still.
The Doctor: If you k*ll for money, let the girl go. She's worth nothing to you.
Keillor: I don't just k*ll for money. It's also something I enjoy.
`
The Doctor
SYLVESTER MCCOY
Mel
BONNIE LANGFORD
Gavrok
DON HENDERSON
Delta
BELINDA MAYNE
Weismuller
STUBBY KAYE
Hawk
MORGAN DEARE
Tollmaster
KEN DODD
Burton
RICHARD DAVIES
Billy
DAVID KINDER
Ray
SARA GRIFFITHS
Murray
JOHNNY DENNIS
Keillor
BRIAN HIBBARD
Chima
TIM SCOTT
Bollitt
ANITA GRAHAM
Adlon
LESLIE MEADOWS
The Lorells
ROBIN ASPLAND
KEFF MCCULLOCH
JUSTIN MYERS
RALPH SALMINS
Vocalists
TRACEY WILSON
JODIE WILSON
Goronwy
HUGH LLOYD
Vinny
MARTYN GERAINT
Callon
CLIVE CONDON
Arrex
RICHARD MITCHLEY
Young Chimeron
JESSICA MCGOUGH
AMY OSBORN
Chimeron Princess
LAURA COLLINS
CARLEY JOSEPH
Assistant Floor Manager
CHRISTOPHER SANDEMAN
KIM WILCOCKS
Costumes
RICHARD CROFT
Designer
JOHN ASBRIDGE
Film Cameraman
WILLIAM DUDMAN
Incidental Music
KEFF MCCULLOCH
Make-Up
GILLIAN THOMAS
OB Cameraman
ALASTAIR MITCHELL
CHAS SNARE
Producer
JOHN NATHAN-TURNER
Production Assistant
ROSEMARY PARSONS
Production Associate
ANNE FAGGETTER
Script Editor
ANDREW CARTMEL
Special Sounds
d*ck MILLS
Stunt Arranger
ROY SCAMMELL
Theme Arrangement
KEFF MCCULLOCH
Title Music
RON GRAINER
Visual Effects
ANDY MCVEAN
SYLVESTER MCCOY
Mel
BONNIE LANGFORD
Gavrok
DON HENDERSON
Delta
BELINDA MAYNE
Weismuller
STUBBY KAYE
Hawk
MORGAN DEARE
Tollmaster
KEN DODD
Burton
RICHARD DAVIES
Billy
DAVID KINDER
Ray
SARA GRIFFITHS
Murray
JOHNNY DENNIS
Keillor
BRIAN HIBBARD
Chima
TIM SCOTT
Bollitt
ANITA GRAHAM
Adlon
LESLIE MEADOWS
The Lorells
ROBIN ASPLAND
KEFF MCCULLOCH
JUSTIN MYERS
RALPH SALMINS
Vocalists
TRACEY WILSON
JODIE WILSON
Goronwy
HUGH LLOYD
Vinny
MARTYN GERAINT
Callon
CLIVE CONDON
Arrex
RICHARD MITCHLEY
Young Chimeron
JESSICA MCGOUGH
AMY OSBORN
Chimeron Princess
LAURA COLLINS
CARLEY JOSEPH
Assistant Floor Manager
CHRISTOPHER SANDEMAN
KIM WILCOCKS
Costumes
RICHARD CROFT
Designer
JOHN ASBRIDGE
Film Cameraman
WILLIAM DUDMAN
Incidental Music
KEFF MCCULLOCH
Make-Up
GILLIAN THOMAS
OB Cameraman
ALASTAIR MITCHELL
CHAS SNARE
Producer
JOHN NATHAN-TURNER
Production Assistant
ROSEMARY PARSONS
Production Associate
ANNE FAGGETTER
Script Editor
ANDREW CARTMEL
Special Sounds
d*ck MILLS
Stunt Arranger
ROY SCAMMELL
Theme Arrangement
KEFF MCCULLOCH
Title Music
RON GRAINER
Visual Effects
ANDY MCVEAN