Sex Skins (2000)

[bunniefuu]

Pretty good fella,
but not good enough.

- h*m*!
- Yeah, because I rule, basically...

sh*t bender.
Ah, Kelly, you're stankin'!

What about you, you sweaty f*ck!

Aargh! Get away, you scummer.

Later then!

What you think of that, then?

Tone?

What?

Think of what?

The moves...
Me, Jonno and Kel worked it out.

It's OK.

Hey! Nothing to worry
about, dude. Yeah?

Yeah.

It's all right.

Everything's cool.

- Hi, Maxxie.
- Hey.

Hi.

Who's that?

That's Tony.

What's up with you?

I had a traumatic subdural haematoma

with motor and
perceptional complications.

Are you mental?

Yes.

I'd still give you one.

Totally. He's well fit.
Yeah, Queenie?

Yeah. He's buff.

Hey come on, Tone.
See you later, girls.

See you Maxxie! Bye!

I wanna give Maxxie one.

You can't. He's h*m*.

Bummer.

See? I remembered your favourite.

Thanks.

You've grown, Tony.

And there's another two
inches in you, easy.

How's your Mum?

I don't remember you.

Oh, well.
We used to have lovely chats

when I was cleaning your mum's place.

You were such a clever little lad.

I'm stupid now.

No.

Here you go, mate.

Thanks, Mum.

Oh, we used to giggle.

Well, you never did know what
your mum was going to say next.

Ketchup, Mum?

Yeah, right.

Bloody hilarious jokes she told.

Filthy.

Oh, a right laugh, your mum.

Mum?

I need to pee.

I can manage it myself usually.

Yeah, sorry.

Oh, f*cking... f*cking...
f*cking thing!

Oh! Ooh.

Oooh!

Ooh la la!

Yee-ha!

Oi, look out.
Here comes Batty Boy.

You wanna watch it, Dale.
He'll slip you a big fat cock!

No f*cking way, man!

Cockety-cock-cock!

Or he'll slurp you a big fat cock!

A big f*cking cock, yeah.
He'll be like, "All right, my lover!"

and wank you silly all over his face
and then tie you up and shoving

his big fat cock
right up your arse

and you wouldn't be able to f*cking
stop him cos it's f*cking t*rture.

You're shrieking and...

I'm just saying f*cking h*m*,
though, innit?

Yeah, f*cking h*m*.

f*ck 'em. We'll f*ck them up.

- f*ckin' queers!
- Lads...

Yeah, f*ckin' 'omos!

Nice one, Taz!

Hey, Taz!

All right, love?

Tea's ready.

Nice routine, Dad.

Nice? It's gonna f*cking
slay them at the regionals.

Cool.

I just wanted to ask, is it OK if
I drop out of my A-levels and...?

Come back?

I wanna leave college and
audition for musicals in London.

You're getting qualifications and
you're coming to me on the building.

But how's a history A-level
gonna help me be a builder?

You'll be an educated builder.

Dad, I want to be a dancer.

They have dancing every Thursday
down the centre. You love that.

- No, but...
- Pastimes.

That's what we're into.

- Dad...
- The rest isn't for us.

Get the dog.

Taz.

f*cking turd burglar.

Watch out, Dale.

f*cking dog!

Quiet, boy.

You got something to say, kidder?

Say what I like.
Free country, innit?

Fair point.
But here's my suggestion, son.

You tell your Dad what
you said to Walter Oliver.

All right, my lover?

Lads...

- You got f*cked up, man!
- Big, big time.

Sid?

Tony?

I need to pee.

My hands don't work.

Well, I always sorted you
out when you were a baby.

I got to register for college,
sign my name on a form.

But my head's forgotten bits of me.

All sorts of bits...

Give it time, love.

Just...

I can aim.

Right...

All right?

Oh, bloody hell, Tone!

You always did make me laugh.

You're making me miss.

You and every other bloke
in this sodding house.

Whatever happened
to that nice lass you had?

My God! OK, watch this!

Watch this
you bunch of p*ssy-f*ckers, OK?

- One, two, three.
- Go!

Oh, my God!

- We on the right floor?
- Dunno, do I?

All right... angry boots.

I want to get ready
for the party.

Well, that'll take all of
about 30 seconds.

I get ready. I dress up.

Nah... that's what we love
about you, Jal... Unstudied.

f*cking hell... I dress up!

Is this the door?

You don't see that every day.

It's open!

That'll be Sid.
He's gonna take me home.

Oh... Chris... Jalander.

Oh, what a nice surprise.

Came just at the right time.

Right...

Where's Sid?

Ah! Hi, guys.

Hi, Tony, Chris.
Hello, funny name.

Where'd you lot spring from?

Just finished seeing to Tony.

Yeah. She was...

seeing to him...

Great. How are you, lad?

Better, thanks.
She's got warm hands.

Oh, they're lovely and warm.
Always say that.

So you're all dancing
the night away tonight, huh?

Yeah... bit of a party!

- It's not really a party.
- Yeah, that's right.

What party?

Look, sorry, Tone. But your mum
says we gotta take you home.

Maybe your folks think it's
a bit too soon to be going out.

f*ck my folks.

Where's Sid?

He couldn't make it, mate.

His dad made him stay in and...

Mow the grass.

Yeah, that's it.
He's mowing the grass.

He couldn't make it, Tony.

All right?
Sid couldn't make it...

Hey! Hi, Sid!
When are you coming to see me?

Everyone's so lovely in Elgin.

Here's my new friends,
Rory and Lachlan.

- All right, wee man?
- Hello there, Sidney.

Rory's going to let me
blow his chanter later.

It's easy.
Ye just need to learn tae finger it.

And I've already been
b*ating Lachlan's bodhran.

Magic! Aye!

- What?!
- I'm not very good.

Aye, ye are!

Anyway, there's a present in there,
Sid. And watch what I can do.

Mighty f*cking Scotland.

Hoots!

Don't you care what I want?!
Don't I get to decide?

Yeah. You're gonna decide to be a
builder who dances in his spare time.

I don't want to be
a f*cking builder!

- What's wrong with it?
- Nothing. Nothing.

I just... I can do this, Dad!

You don't think I can do it, do you?

No, lad.

f*cking hell! Thanks, Dad.

It's not my fault, is it!?

What?

That you're stuck in a f*cking
white van all your life.

Don't you speak to me like that! I'll
clout you round the f*cking earhole.

Like you clout the f*cking dog?!

Don't bring the f*cking dog into it.

I'll have no f*cking
swearing in this house.

Mum f*cking swears
at you all the time.

Don't wait.

We said we'd take you home.

Don't wanna go home.

# Groove upon the party

# Yo, when I'm cruising
in my Lamborghini

# The chicks see me, they go,

# "Mmm, wow, he's so sexy"

# And I might get my sh*t
for the end of the night

# Cos p*ssy is p*ssy and baby,
you're p*ssy for life

# I wanna f*ck you, f*ck you

# You already know

# I wanna f*ck you, f*ck you... #

Argh! Ow!

Oh... f*ckin' hell...

Sorry.

I gotta remember
to stand pimp in these.

What's happening, "blood"?

I'm in for some serious slippy-slidey
todger action at this party, man!

It's not... really a party.

Are you pissing me?

It's the biggest night of the year.
Everybody's going!

Yeah, except Tony.

Shame, man. It's gonna be...

Tony can't go. Remember?

f*ckers...

Come on, mate.

I told you to keep quiet
about the sodding rave.

And why are you dressed
as a cr*ck dealer?

You think it's too much?

If I'd just met you,

I'd rather slit my wrists
than give you one.

That's because you don't
give anyone one.

Watch out or they'll take
your tits into care.

Because they don't get out enough.

You geddit? Your tits...

Hello, Mr Stonem.

Wondered where you were.

Thanks for bringing him back.

That's all right.
No problem. Maybe we'll pop round...

tomorrow.

Let's go get f*cked.

Are you not going
to have anything, Tony?

No.

OK.

So, um, what did you get up to today?

He shouldn't be going out!

He's wandering around,
God knows where...

We don't even know who he's with!
He could have a bleed or a fit or...

Yeah, Jim. He's here.

Oh, f*ck it.

f*ck it.

f*ck it.

All right, all right. Just...
for Christ's sake, eat something!

Look, Mum's made it easy.

It's all... lovely and...

bite-sized.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Come on, let's talk about
something else. Come on.

Yeah, yeah.
What do you want to talk about?

Dirty jokes.

What?

Maxxie's mum says
your jokes are filthy.

You saw Jackie Oliver today?

Jackie probably was thinking
about someone else. Right, Anthea?

Yeah, yeah...

Anyway... This mate of mine's
been going to the doctor.

Who's that?

Er, don't think you know him.
Um, anyway he had to have some tests,

had palpitations or something...
So, he eventually goes back

to the doctor to get the results
and, er, the doctor says,

"Sit down. I'm afraid there's
good news and there's bad news.

"The bad news is
you've only got a month to live."

My mate's like,
devastated, he's gutted.

But he pulls himself together and
he says, "What's the good news?"

And the doctor says,
"See my new receptionist?

"Blonde. Great arse. Huge tits.

"Well, I'm f*cking her."

That's crap.

Yeah...

My name's Anthea Stonem.
Thank you and good night.

They'll take her tits into care...

They're gonna...

They don't get out enough!

I got it!

I got it!

Look, I've told you before, he's not
leaving college. That's it!

You don't need to be such
a monster man about it!

Who's being a monster man?

You is.

What's eating you,
you big old bully!?

Nothing! Nothing.
Just leave it alone.

He's not leaving, that's final.

All right, Walter.

Bandy... How you doin'?

Only passable, Walter.

It seems like my Dale
has overstepped his mouth.

Little misunderstanding, that's it.

What have you gotta say, dildohead?

Sorry, Mr Oliver.

And...?

Sorry, Max.

He's baked a cake of remorse.

Very nice.

So we're all right then, Walter?

Water under the bridge, Bandy.
How's the wife?

Oh, not bad.
They gave her early release.

Still gotta wear
the electronic tag, of course.

Bummer.

And they've banned her for life

from operating a concrete mixer
or a cattle prod.

It's probably for the best.

Oh, Tony! For f*ck's sake. Come on!

f*cking hell.

Get off!

Oh, f*ck.

Tony?

Are you all right?

No.

Nobody wants me
to come out any more.

Oh, f*ck it. Come anyway.

My dad won't let me
go back to college.

And mine won't let me leave.

We're both bummed, bruv.

Why doesn't Sid come any more?

Can't remember when he was here.

He misses you, Tony.

I miss me.

Come out. I'll get you dancing.

Yeah?

You gonna gay me?

Hey... Tony's here.

Who's that?

Hello, everybody.

I'd like to sing a little ditty
that I hope you'll rather enjoy.

Alastair, would you mind
pressing play, please?

Thanks awfully.

Gimme a riddim blood. Mi
gonna tear it up with a back ender.

I wanna hear it big, blud.
I wanna hear it hit out, blud!

I wanna hear it massive!
Cos we're takin' it uptown!

Hey! Maxxie!

Monkey Man!

f*ck me...

You're just a kid.

- You're mental.
- Thanks.

Ready?

Hey, Jal! Where's your moves?

f*ck me senseless.

Whoa!

Yeah. He's hot, man.

Ah, you gay boy!

Here I come, Cas. I'm coming!

It's OK, Tony.

Come on.

No way. Look who's coming.

It's Tony Stonem.

Oh, my God!

Tony, hi! You look so OK.

Not like... Well, they said
you were like a total mong,

and I would have been so pissed
if you were a vegetable

and had to be switched off, yah?

- Do I know you?
- Tony! You do...

You know me really rather well.

Remember?

You were a very naughty boy.

But I forgive you...

Is it all still working, yah?

Sorry. Can't place you.

You remember, Tony. How you said
I was like your total dream shag?

Said that?

Because Michelle had the funny tits,
and was so boring,

and you wanted to go out with me cos
I had the longest tongue you ever...

He can't... place you.

Come on, Tone.

Tongue?

Oh, yeah.

Get off!

Help!

Wanna get out!

Tony!

Get the f*ck out my way, will you!

Tony!

Tone?

Stop f*cking about, yeah?

Wait... Wait.

All right, Blowjob.

f*gg*t.

Cocksucker!

- w*nk*r!
- All right, gay boy?

f*cking get him! Get him!

Tossers.

Sent them the other way.

The f*cking cake.

I should've knew it when I saw
the hundreds and thousands.

Lemon Drizzle. It's a piece of piss.

Dale.

You can't just
treat me like sh*t and then just...

Just...

Ah... f*ck it!

Jim? What's wrong?

Sorry it's so late...

I've lost Tony.

He doesn't answer his phone.

I don't even know if he can.

I can't keep him in. But...

He's not right.

Who is?

Everything's mental.

This competition last week.

f*cking break-dancing chihuahua.

I mean, what's it come to?

Right.

You never know what's gonna happen
till you're sitting in a hospital.

And I'm thinking, I've really,
really f*cked up here,

because I'm supposed
to stop this happening.

And now I don't know where he is.

Something happens,
suddenly you've lost them.

His friends'll look after him.

What you on?

Cass sent me a tab.

She misses you, right?

I don't know what
I'm supposed to do.

I go to see him.

I went to see him.

Well, I suppose
you deserve some fun.

Those guys just like my tits.

Oh. Sweet.

You're avoiding me.

You make me think about him.

You're not the only one, Chelle.

I was there every day trying
to get him to say something.

And everybody really, really
f*cked up and I'm just trying to...

And nobody comes but me
cos it's so terrible.

You should have f*cking helped me.

All right!

When it happened...

before the bus...

... he was on the phone,

... he was on the phone

I don't think he remembers.

- But he said...
- Chelle.

f*ck's sake, I'm trying
to tell you this!

Oh, Jesus!

Tony?

Hello.

Wait, I'll go back with you.

Effy's taking me.

I will remember everything.

Where are you going?

Not now, Sid!

Got lost.

Where do I f*cking live?

Walter will run him round
in the morning.

Look, don't worry yourselves, OK.

She's a bit upset.

Yeah.

College starts today.

He's in there, love.

Talking, not shouting.

OK.

Lovely bit of cake, that.

Young Dale's got the magic touch.

He's got that all right.

You're good enough.

Yeah. I am.

I'm bloody good.

Get it from your old man, probably.

Reckon?

I'm artistic, yeah.

Not as artistic as you, mind.

Some things is just
the way they are.

Yup.

I got lucky, didn't I?

You didn't turn out like
the f*cking ASBO Army out there.

No, Dad.

I feel like taking some
f*cking credit for it. OK?

I'm never gonna be a builder, Dad.

You'll understand this one day, kid.

You're everything
I've got to show for my life.

And I'm not ready for you to go,

because I f*cking love you too much.

I'm an idiot, I know.

I love you too, Dad.

So if you're not coming building,
back to college.

Give me the last year.

And then it's game on. All right?

All right.

Taz. On your bed.

At least the sodding dog
does what he's told.

I can register if I write my name.

It's more than that, Tony.

It's not just signing your name.

Then f*cking help me!

Or are you gonna be
a complete f*cking arse-wit

like everyone f*cking else I know?

Whoa! He speaks.

You gotta slow it down.

Stop trying to write.

It's just a shape your hand makes.

Close your eyes and just kinda...

dance it.

Tone.

Do I have to gay you now?

Who are you?

sh*t!

Hang on...

You're f*cking crazy!