Opposite Sex, The (2014)

[bunniefuu]

I was out of line

when I walked all over you

I was under fire when

I fell into the blue

Everybody loves you

darling, they love who you are

So come a little closer now

So I can tell you

just how far you've come

Everyone wants

to be your angel

Everybody wants

to be your star

I don't know

what to say to you

And all the things you do

And the time slips through

your hands like quicksand

And I don't know

where to start, oh no

You're the angel I live for

And the time slips through

your hands like quicksand

Like quicksand

I was out of line when

I walked all over you

And we were under fire

when you fell into the blue

For seven

years my client has been

the perfect, ideal wife

and in all this time

have you ever been unfaithful

to your husband Mrs. Kemp?

And I would like to remind you,

you are under oath.

Unfaithful? Absolutely not.

I was raised on a farm.

Not quite sure what that

has to do with anything

but thank you.

So what would you say

to your husband's claims

that you are, in his own words,

"a cheating,

spoiled, little brat

"with a sense of entitlement"

"and no discernible

moral compass."

Thank you Betty.

So, a cheating brat with

a sense of entitlement,

is that an accurate assessment?

No, he's lying,

this is what he does.

He uses his charm,

good looks and money

to lure innocent

women into marriage

and then when they

get a little older

he just, he just trades

us in for a newer model.

He certainly is a stallion.

There's no denying that.

No further questions.

Your Honor, without

any proof of infidelity

my client is not in violation

of the prenuptial agreement.

I'll take it under advisement.

I mean, sullying

my client's good name

with baseless claims.

I understand.

We are in recess.

Oh, baby...

Shush...

Hello?

That quick?

Thanks for your call.

Continue, continue.

Yeah?

Yeah. The judge is back.

The judge is back.

I love it when you talk in those

complex legal terms.

The judge is back,

the judge is back!

So I finally feel like

I'm getting into it,

you know, with this one.

And she starts yelling

at me, just screaming!

I thought, okay, she's

just feeling my girth.

No, no, I've been

waiting for that ouch

since the day we

were married, no.

No, he was pressing

his elbow into my arm

and it hurt.

Yeah, my elbow,

which she so rudely

has to point out.

But don't forget,

you both agreed

to be very clear about what

you like and don't like.

I don't know what to tell you.

This whole dealing

with your problems

through communication,

that's not for me.

I'm more of a "let's

just ignore things",

"maybe I'll die

young of a coronary"

kind of guy.

You got that right.

No, no, no, guys. Come on now.

Communication is key.

I tell you what we're gonna do,

we're gonna have a

little role-playing.

Ha, I've tried that,

she doesn't like it.

For this exercise,

now Tom, you're gonna

be Nancy and Nancy,

you're gonna be Tom.

Okay?

I think maybe

Nancy should start.

Okay, I think this marriage...

Oh no, no, no, no.

I said Nancy, Tom that's you.

Right.

Hi, I'm Nancy.

Er, hi, I'm Tom

and I like to take

a big bag of chips

with me when I go

and take a dump.

Oh then you're the

perfect man for me,

I need a target for my

insufferable nagging.

Hi, I'm Tom, I'm

a big dumb f*ck.

Hi, I'm Nancy,

whenever I find the time

to take a machete to

trim the squirrel's nest

that's growing between

my legs I get a rash.

Oh, hi, I'm Tom and my

mommy still buys me PJs

for my birthday,

- which I wear!

- I wear those because

of your skin allergies.

She gets these skin allergies

that are so disgusting.

No, no, no, no, stop!

Okay, look time's up, sorry.

I don't have a good

feeling about this.

I'd say you're

looking at anywhere

between 1.5 and two

million plus the house

at Martha's Vineyard.

No way.

Care to make a bet?

Deal.

Let's shake on it.

Oh hey there, not my hand

but I see your point.

Meow.

All rise.

Be seated.

Alright, I'll make this quick.

As to the terms of the prenup,

I find that Mrs. Kemp

is within her rights

and therefore entitled to

her share of the assets.

I hereby award the plaintiff

the sum of two million dollars,

in addition the title

of the vacation house

will be signed over to her.

Court is adjourned.

What did she say?

We lost!

Ah yeah!

That a girl!

Eat me.

Is that how you're

gonna talk to a man

who is currently batting

the legal equivalent

of a thousand?

27 verdicts in a row.

And not a single settlement,

the kid's on fire!

Yeah, I know, another

sacred union is over,

All the while, I was

trying to save one.

Where's my congratulations?

Well, did yours end

in two million dollars

and a super empty nut bag?

No, mine ended with the

couple trying very hard

to put the work in

necessary to sustain

a long term relationship.

And my hourly rate

of 50 dollars.

50 dollars an

hour, that's funny.

I like the empty nut bag better.

If you had

to take that 50 dollars

turn it into singles,

which would be cheaper,

wiping your ass with them

or buying toilet paper?

Ew.

I gotta tell you,

Stephanie's an angel,

but if you really want

her to move in with you

you should consider

raising your rate.

Vince, this might come

as a surprise for you,

but Steph loves me for me,

not for what I make.

Oh, snap!

Are you giving much

of a choice though?

Oh yeah, you guys,

toilet paper would

be much cheaper.

Yeah.

I'm proud of what I do.

I don't look proud?

I'm proud, I'll be

a whole lot prouder

when they make me

partner, but I'm proud.

Boom.

Ah, sh*t.

What's wrong?

One of your girls cancel on you?

At least I don't

have that problem.

No, Celeste wants to meet at 10

but I already told Nicole

to meet at my house at nine.

Oh that's the stripper!

She's not a stripper,

she is a student who

occasionally strips

to pay for her tuition.

Oh well, if she's

paying tuition

that's totally different.

I think I can fit

them both in, Kenny,

but I need your help, alright?

Oh sorry, gotta go.

What do you mean?

What about "bros before 'hos?"

I think we stopped

saying that in college.

Dude, what a

f*cking smoke show.

They should make

her into a soup.

Wow.

I'm gonna take

a run at this one.

I'll be right back.

You go get that soup.

Go get that soup.

Oh, God.

Mind if I join you?

Yeah, sure but make it quick,

my boyfriend's in the bathroom

and you don't wanna

mess with him.

I'm sure he's probably

devilishly handsome

with a body like an Adonis

and a penis like a can of beans.

Oh, you know him?

I'll say I know him.

That'll never get old.

Never.

So how was your day?

Good, busy.

Oh, I thought Jane

was coming with you?

Yeah, we're meeting

here, I thought

she'd be here by now.

Well I'm excited to meet her.

Go easy on her, okay,

she's still a little tender

from the divorce,

it was so brutal.

And her whole two

year eat, pray, love

European excursion

didn't really take.

No?

No, unless you

count eating men,

praying for her ex to die

and the love of seeing

grown European dudes cry,

then yeah, yeah, maybe it did.

Well you're a good friend,

and an even better girlfriend.

You think so?

Hm-hmm, sure do.

If we ever get

married and I catch you

with one of our bridesmaids

I will take your balls...

Ooh, here we go.

Your ballsack, I will take

your sack, I will pull it up

over your face...

Yeah, bring it on.

And right up over your head

like a big scrotal wedgie

yarmulke situation.

You're really bad at threats.

The point is I'll

hurt your balls.

Gotcha.

You got it?

Pay up, sweetheart,

and did I mention where

I want my kiss?

Well I guess that's up to you.

Or we can up the bet.

Last dart, bullseye or I lose.

Oh there's no way

you're that stupid!

Come on.

Alright, fine, what

are we playing for?

I like your watch.

Oh, my watch?

Hm-hmm.

Alright, but if you lose,

you gotta suck my scrot.

I wasn't expecting that.

We have a bet?

Yep, it's a deal, step aside.

Alright, here we go.

No, no, no! How?!

Come on, give me a little kiss,

just for being a good sport.

Ow!

It's been a pleasure.

Oh that was so hot!

That was pretty impressive.

Excuse me?

You should try that

on a real man some time.

I'll put that

on my to-do list.

I just want you to know,

I had your back over there.

Just in case things

got out of control.

And that's what carried me

through my moment of doubt.

I bet.

I'm a second degree black

belt in ju... kin... do.

Most people don't know about it,

it's some Bruce Lee sh*t.

Oh that practically

makes us soul mates.

We should just have sex now.

Couldn't agree more.

Wait, wait, wait.

I have to know your name.

Do you?

It would be rude of

me not to know the name

of the girl that's going

to take me home tonight.

Hmm...

Tell you what,

see that creepy looking

guy over there at the bar?

Snuffleupagus?

Hm-hmm, here's the bet:

I can predict that in

the next 10 seconds

he will put his glasses on,

if so, I get your drink

and you walk away,

if not, I'll give you my number.

That is some

serious Kreskin sh*t,

but I like it.

Alright, creepy dude

puts his glasses on,

10 seconds, starting now.

One... two...

Who wants to see my tits?!

Tits?

Where?

That was cheap.

Later, loser.

That was cheap!

Pretty impressive, but cheap.

It's the effort

that counts, Vince.

So she's not

gonna show her tits?

Unfortunately, no.

I wanna see some titties.

The night is still young

my black and white friends,

Celeste is a go, I repeat,

Celeste is a go.

- Hey!

- Hi!

Hey Jane, this is Kenny.

Hi Kenny, oh,

nice to meet you.

Nice to finally meet you.

I'm so glad you made it,

I was afraid you'd gotten lost.

I was just dealing

with some drunk assh*le

by the dartboard.

Do you wanna watch?

What? Seriously?

It's all yours.

Cool.

Check it out.

Oh, that's not, that's

not your style, honey.

I like it.

Oh my God, did you hear that?

Morning!

Good morning,

you're not ready.

Yeah, I'm ready,

in fact I'll go get ready.

Oh my God, what

happened last night?

Did you guys go out

after I dropped you off?

I didn't... some guys

actually stopped by after,

that's all.

Uh-huh, okay, well

we're running late.

Did you not get my text

about going running?

Running? Yes.

Yeah, I did, I'm ready.

Uh-huh.

Look, I just... okay.

Oh, we're doing this now.

Jane, you remember my

boyfriend and his balls.

Hello.

Hello!

What was that?

What? Nothing.

Kenny, buddy, little help!

Oh, this is gonna suck.

Hey, Steph, I didn't

realize you were here.

Holy sh*t, it's you.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

You're friends with this guy?

Friends is a strong word.

It's me, from

the bar, the bet.

I never got your name.

Jane.

Hi, Jane.

I'm Vince, I'd shake

your hand but er...

Oh no, no, no, I understand.

How do you guys

know each other?

Stephanie and I

are old friends.

Well I can't

believe you're friends

and we've never met.

It was sort of by design.

Kenny and I are old

friends too, like family.

His parents took me in actually

when I was a wayward youth.

Trust me, I would

not be where I am

if it wasn't for him.

Taped to the wall?

No, no, no, in life.

They gave me shelter,

but more than that

they gave me direction.

We are going to

have a great time,

the four of us.

Stephanie, I know that

honesty is a big deal

between you and

Kenny so I just wanna

go and confirm that

bringing Celeste

and her friends back

here was completely

my idea, Kenny was

adamantly opposed to it.

I don't think I've met

Celeste, she sounds lovely.

Look, I hadn't

either, I promise,

she's just a stripper that

Vince has been seeing.

Kenny, she is not a stripper,

she's a student who

occasionally strips

to pay her tuition, obviously.

Oh well that's

totally different.

We should all go out sometime,

the four of us, it'd be great.

Tell you what, we're

going to go for a run.

Kenny, why don't you

peel Vince off the wall

and we'll catch up later.

You're an idiot.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to see you.

I can't wait to go out.

Thank God you're here.

The front's gonna be

easy because I waxed

but you may need to get in there

and trim around

the taint a little.

Hey, honey, honey, I'm sorry,

nothing happened, nothing

happened, I swear.

You really need to

take a good hard look

at yourself and decide

what it is you want.

I want you.

I want you to move in.

Seriously?!

You're asking me to

move in the morning

after you had strippers

in your house?

Probably not the best time.

No, not the best time.

You know what, I love you,

but I swear to God if I

find out you messed around

with one of those hookers

I will take your balls...

Oh here we go, really focus.

I'm not kidding, I

will get four horses...

Ooh alright, think it through.

I will tie each

ball to the, to the...

No, I only have two balls.

You know what,

I'm not doing it,

I'll leave you.

How about that, is

that clear enough?

Crystal.

It's lacking a

little imagination.

Get your sh*t together, boy.

Look, I dunno

if I'm the best person

to give you advice on this.

I just met him but he seems

like a pretty good guy.

Yeah, he's good on his own.

Just when he gets around Vince

he turns into a turd.

Seriously, what

is up with that guy?

sh*t for brains.

He's your typical

alpha-male douchebag.

He probably has mommy issues,

possible latent h*m*

overcompensating

by sleeping with

as many women as possible.

- Big ego.

- Yeah.

- Big bank account.

- Uh-huh.

- And a little d*ck.

- Likely.

Sounds like somebody

I used to know.

Honey, I know I've

said this before,

but you're just so

much better off now.

I know, I'm insane,

ever since it happened I've been

destroying men on

two continents.

It's so pleasurable

it frightens me.

It's no good.

That's not true, you

have taught a lot of men

a lot of lessons.

In fact, you know who could

use a good dose of you?

Who, the guy with

his junk taped to the wall?

Looked to me like he

already learned his lesson.

Yeah? Did it sound

like he learned it?

I dunno, Steph, I

do a lot of damage.

Listen, I love

Kenny, but that guy...

trust me, this would

be productive damage.

Morning, Tracy.

Morning, Vince.

Mr. Campbell is looking for you.

Tell him I'm in a

meeting or something, okay,

I can't deal with that

miserable f*ck today.

Good morning, Sir!

Morning, handsome.

Excuse me.

Tracy!

Hi, Mr. Campbell

is in my office.

Oh, okay, Mr. Campbell

is looking for you

in your office.

I see that, yeah,

why did I hire you?

Because I am too old

for you to consider

having sex with me.

That is not true, I hired you

because I needed somebody to...

Okay, maybe that

is why I hired you,

just, carry on.

Okay, but I just

want to tell you that

there could be a lot of

heat in my secret place

if you were interested.

I said, my secret place.

I'm just saying.

Guten tag, Tracy.

Guten tag, I scoot back now.

Sir, what can I do for you?

Well, Vince, to be honest,

it's my instinct to let you go.

You roll into work

whenever suits you,

and you continually

sleep with your clients.

I think it's important

to stay in contact

with your clients

after the case.

I understand that,

but people talk,

word gets around,

it's not good for our image.

Right.

Vincent,

you are without a doubt,

one of the best

attorneys in town but...

You know, Jack,

I never liked you.

I think you are a

miserable, petty bastard,

and frankly, I'm looking at this

like you're doing me a favor.

Now, I don't have to listen

to your long-winded stories

about golf and your

insufferable f*cking children.

Oh and by the way,

your wife, yeah,

let's just say at the

company Christmas party

she stuffed mistletoe

into my belly button

and tried to kiss my d*ck.

You didn't let me finish.

I was going to fire

you but our Mr. Kendrick

insisted that you represent

him in his divorce case.

I'm sorry, what?

James Kendrick, the Pickle

Prince of Providence?

The very one.

And if you can make this

firm's biggest client happy,

we'll make you a

partner, understand?

That thing, the

thing I just said.

About my wife and your d*ck?

Yeah, that thing,

that's the one.

No, no, you're right.

She's a whore, you're

just being honest.

Alright, the play's at first.

That's alright buddy,

stay down on it.

This kid is f*cking

useless, alright.

Bobby, give me 10 laps now.

No, Bobby, stay, it's fine.

Ease up, that's my nephew.

I realize that

and as his uncle

you should be embarrassed.

Alright, fellas, listen up.

You wanna go through

life afraid every time

some balls come

flying at your face?

Come on!

Metaphorically speaking, okay.

Balls being life's

problems, alright,

not actual balls in your face.

Grow up.

That's good, okay,

go get some water.

Yeah, like you deserve it,

you haven't done anything.

Hustle up!

Listen, Kenny, I wanna

apologize for last night,

I'll call Stephanie

and smooth things over.

Do not call her, that

will just make it worse.

I'm starting to get

the impression that

she doesn't like me very much.

Do you really care

what she thinks?

Of course I care

what she thinks.

This is the woman you're

gonna marry someday, right?

I appreciate

your understanding.

Yeah, let's talk

about Jane though,

what's up her?

I know, she's beautiful.

Beautiful, no,

a sunset is beautiful,

she's fantastic.

She's ass-tastic.

Oh I should trademark

that, ass-tastic.

I like that.

She went through

an awful divorce.

Well that could be a

positive thing, right,

it's like the wounded

gazelle syndrome,

makes it easier for the

lion to take her down.

Me being the lion

in this scenario.

Her husband cheated on her

and left her with nothing,

and I mean, nothing.

Yeah, well, maybe

she drove him to it,

you never know.

Just hook a brother up.

Trust me, after what

she's been through

and after the impression

you made

that girl is not going to

date you.

Hi.

Yeah, okay.

Sure, see you then.

That was Steph and she

and Jane want to meet

you and me out for drinks.

That's what's up.

Which one of you

is Kenny Peterson?

That's me.

Sign here, please.

They just said deliver

to a baseball field?

You have no idea what

it took to find you, okay?

Who's it from?

Anonymous.

Who cares who

it's from, just open it.

Alright.

Holy sh**t balls!

Look at this, it's new unis.

Wow! Those are

the sh*t my friend.

40, 60 poly-cotton blend, woo!

And you know what

they're soft and durable.

How the hell you know that?

I was curious and

I opened up the box.

You opened up the package?

It happens all

the time, player,

welcome to the future.

I dunno what that means.

It means whatever

you want it to be,

okay, alright?

Get off my case.

Take it easy, you

can go, thank you.

Oh, I see how it is,

I just drop your

sh*t off and then

just forget about me, huh?

You're a delivery guy, right?

Okay, you know what,

I'm gonna bounce, alright?

Sorry, don't get your

panties in a wad.

It's not like I took the

jersey and danced around

with a bowl of jello while

eating it in the bathroom.

That's awfully specific.

What do you guys care?

Have a great day!

What the...?

Hey, new unis!

Come on, guys.

If you wanna look

like champs, get over here.

Check 'em out.

Finally, you guys will

look presentable around me.

What?

Thank you.

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, alright, just

don't go all h*m* on me.

Knock it off.

I have to say that I was

flattered you requested me.

Your little spitfire

client, Mrs. Kemp,

is actually a friend of mine.

How you got the judge

to side with her

is nothing short of a miracle.

She is no angel.

Fortunately, that

doesn't matter.

It's all about

what you can prove

and while we're on the

topic, I'm going to

need to ask you if

there's been any

extra-marital activity

in your marriage?

Oh yeah, tons of it.

Okay.

Don't worry, I

keep it on the DL.

She's just a physical

therapist, she helps me

with my bum knee and

my bad shoulders.

She has the most powerful hands,

it's really something.

Sometimes, I have bruising.

If your wife has

a good attorney,

they'll dig that

stuff up and you'll

be in violation of your

pre-marital agreement.

And now you know

why I hired you.

I see.

Mount Helena!

Pickle my mouth!

Which is why I never

flush while still sitting,

you never know when

you'll look down

and see 37 feet of colon

staring back up at you.

So, Jane, Stephanie

tells me that you guys

go back all the

way to high school.

Yeah, junior high, we

both dated the same guy.

At the same time? That's hot.

We were 15.

Yeah.

You like that?

Come on, I'm kidding.

Let me ask you

this, did you guys

have that one night

in college where you

got a little drunk and

accidentally had sex

with one another, like at a

school dance or something?

Hmm, no, no, I

can't say we did.

What about you? You ever

drink a little too much

and wake up with Kenny's

balls resting on your chin?

No, but if

that did happen it would

be my balls on Kenny's chin.

Alright, let's just be

absolutely clear about that.

Nuh-uh, my balls would

be on your chin.

So Kenny tells me that

your husband cheated

on you and then dumped

you, is that the gist?

Oh my God, Vince, come on.

I'm so sorry, Jane.

No, no, no. Let's

just get it out there.

Yeah, he ran off with

one of my friends.

Ouch.

Well, while we're all sharing.

Something similar

happened to me once.

I was dating a girl, we

were getting pretty serious,

she left for London for a

couple of weeks, for work...

Where she met a

dashing young English man

who swept her off her feet?

Yeah, I wish, no.

She came back, everything

was pretty normal

and then one day,

I'll never forget it,

we went for a walk in the

park, a romantic walk,

she was eating a banana,

chopping it into little pieces

which was totally annoying,

but that's not the point.

And she says to me,

"Hold on a second,"

"I need to throw

away my banana peel"

"in the rubbish bin."

And?

And? And what? That was it.

It's a deal breaker,

we broke up that night.

Really?

So you actually

broke up with a girl

because she used

the word rubbish?

Rubbish bin, and yeah.

What kind of woman

goes over to London

for two weeks and has

the audacity to start

using their phrases?

I'll tell you what kind

of woman does that,

an unstable one, yeah.

I'm still trying

to get my head around

how that's on par with

my husband cheating on me

with my best friend.

We both had our hearts broken.

Oh yeah.

Love does not discriminate,

but if you ask me,

I think it worked out the

way it was supposed to,

because we're both

here now, right?

Oh I'm so sorry if

that's what you got.

See right now, I'm really

enjoying being single.

Unfettered, free to

sleep with anyone I want,

whenever I want.

Yeah, yeah, no feathers, yeah.

Could be some

unsuspecting guy in a bar

or maybe it's just some

stranger who smiles

at me in the right

way on the street.

Most of the time I

just wanna get off.

Yeah getting off's good, yeah.

But other times

it's revenge sex.

They don't know

that, they just think

they've struck gold with

the naughtiest girl in town.

Because, believe me,

when I put my mind to it,

I take it to a whole new level.

Okay, boys, tongues

back in your mouths, huh?

You ready? You okay down there?

We gotta go.

Wait, wait, we're

not going now,

we're just getting started.

Look, we've got an

early morning, man,

you guys feel free to carry on.

Well, come on, let's

just have one drink.

I know a great little

bar, we can play pool,

I'll even let you win.

You'll let me win?

You wish.

And to put it bluntly, I am

what they like to

call unbeatable.

Let me remind you,

the last time we bet

it didn't work out

so well for you.

It wasn't that.

This is different.

Alright, well, let's do this.

Let's do this.

Alright, game

of nine ball, it's on.

Okay, alright, lucky sh*t

but it's not gonna matter.

We forgot to say

what we're playing for.

What is your pleasure?

20 bucks?

Kinda boring.

Oh well, what did

you have in mind?

I think you know what I want.

Wow, and here I was

thinking you might

come up with something original.

Trust me, it's

the way that I do it

that makes it original.

20 bucks.

Take it or leave it.

Well, okay, it's a bet.

So what kind of

law do you practice?

Personal injury? Possibly

with your own TV commercial?

Yeah, you wish.

I specialize in matrimonial law.

Oh, so you

basically help spouses

f*ck each other over,

is that about right?

When you say it like that

it kinda takes the pleasure

out of it.

Don't you think that

everyone deserves

their day in court?

Whatever helps

you sleep at night.

Typically that's

smooth jazz and an H-J.

So what happens when

you absolutely know

that you're representing

someone who has

been lying and cheating

on their partner?

Bill them at 250 an

hour like everyone else.

Oh remember when

you said you were

going to let me win?

Pay up, bitch.

That was pretty...

Impressive?

Kind of lucky, it might not be

your regulation table, I dunno.

Come on, double or nothing.

God, I would but

all this law talk

has made me bored.

G'night!

I'm not sure I

understand the premise.

It's simple.

You get to do Megan

Fox from behind, right,

but lying on top

of her is a naked,

spread-eagled John Travolta.

But I'm

banging Megan Fox, right?

Oh yeah, you're

banging Megan Fox.

It's really good, you're

having a good time,

but you're looking

at John Travolta.

No, screw that,

what's the other option?

We'll reverse it, Megan

Fox lying spread-eagle

on John Travolta's back.

Ah, that one,

I'd take that one.

So you're f*cking

John Travolta

but you're looking at

Megan Fox? Come on.

Wait, what?

I know, that's the

flip side of that coin.

That's f*cked up.

That's a real brain teaser.

A cock teaser.

What about you, Vince?

I'm just a little preoccupied,

I can't believe she b*at me.

I never lose at pool.

You're acting so pathetic.

I didn't get a sh*t off,

she ran the whole table,

it was like I was playing

against that Asian chick

that plays with the black glove.

Jeanette Lee.

Look, let it

go, she got lucky.

Only it wasn't luck,

this girl is good.

I need another sh*t.

So if you wanna go out

with her, ask her out.

Yeah, I do, but it's

more than that now.

I need to b*at her.

So she's gotten under

your skin, hear that, fellas?

The great Vince

finally met his match.

I need to redeem myself.

Appeal to her

sense of competition.

Well she's obviously

good at bar games,

maybe take her out

of her comfort zone.

You guys done stretching?

Are we gonna do this or not?

Oh, I didn't realize

that not jogging

was still an option,

because if that's the case

I vote to not jog.

I'm with you, I

vote for that too.

I'm starving.

Let's get it, sandwiches.

Let's do that.

Great workout, guys.

Wait, I got it, I got it!

Yes!

It's too easy.

Archery.

No, man, that's

just giant darts

and we know how good

she is with those.

Think outside the box

or inside, I don't care,

just come up with something

where I can't lose.

Bridge building.

Boulder lifting.

No, no, what we need to do,

and by the way those

are horrible ideas,

what we need to do is get

away from the physical,

because I bet this

little spinner

can sh*t bigger than he does.

Bite me.

We need to get

to the intellect.

That's right, the intellect,

that's what I'm known

for, that's my thing.

Okay, intellect.

I think we'll call

that a checkmate.

Who's sleeping with who here?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

That's a jumbo jet, yeah.

This doesn't look

like an airplane.

Well, it's an airplane

that just crash landed,

in the rocks.

Oh!

You're very good!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

That's rough, man.

I dunno, I'm starting

to lose respect for you,

I gotta be honest.

It's like the first

time I saw my girlfriend

go to the bathroom,

I realized that we

were no different.

Sad day.

I think you're very talented.

This is your fault, Kenny.

What? What did I do?

You told me to

use my intelligence

so you need to come

up with something

that doesn't involve any

sort of physical prowess

or any sort of intellect.

You ready?

Oh, I'm ready, I'm ready.

Okay, and go!

Forrest Gump!

Yes!

Forrest Gump, bullshit.

That's impossible.

Suck it! Suck it!

It's like you guys

are cheating, it's bullshit.

Being a sore loser is

not an attractive quality.

Let's play something else.

Don't give up

so easy, alright,

we're men, we're warriors.

I want a rematch.

All or nothing, let's do this.

Alright, tell you what,

one card.

All you have to get

is just one card.

Done.

That's not a good

idea, probably.

What are you talking about?

Have a little faith,

are you with me?

I guess.

I said, are you

with me bro?! Come on!

I guess.

Let's win this m*therf*cker.

What's the wager?

I mean Jane obviously

knows what I want

and I'm pretty sure

Kenny's going to be playing

for the old two hole.

What?!

Huh, no I didn't...

we'll talk.

See, when you're not around,

all we do is talk

about the glory hole.

That is not happening.

- That's not the truth,

- Uh-huh.

It's not like I'm always

just like talking about

how I want to do that so bad.

It's talked about a lot.

Exit only.

There's a lot of ass

talk but not like so much

like I'm weird or...

What if we lose?

Oh, I'm pretty sure we

can think of something.

That does not involve my butt.

Don't worry about it,

we're not gonna lose.

Do you wanna be the actor or

do you wanna be the guesser?

And just for the record,

you suck at both.

Well that is not very nice,

and I'll be the actor.

Let's do this!

It's on!

Come on, Kenny!

Come on, babe.

Let's go, Kenny,

get a good one.

f*ck.

f*ck, why f*ck? No.

No, no fucks! Pick another one.

Pick another one,

mulligan, mulligan.

Get another one.

Yeah, nice try.

You can do this bro.

Focus, Kenny, focus.

Three, two, one, hit it!

- Do it, Kenny!

- f*cking focus, man!

Feel it, feel it, feel it!

You can do this! Focus

focus focus focus...

Stop yelling at me!

Um, sh*t,

sh**ting, sh*t, shotgun,

shotgun wedding,

shotgun... r*fle men,

Clint Eastwood! Clint

Eastwood

Tombstone, Dog Day Afternoon,

sh**ting stars, sh**ting

stars, is it sh**ting star?

It's not a sh**ting star!

You're sh**ting,

you're still sh**ting,

I sh*t the sheriff

but I didn't, I sh*t

the f*cking deputy, Bob Marley!

It's Bob Marley,

is it Bob Marley?

Quit sh**ting! Quit

f*cking sh**ting, dude,

for the love of God.

Oh okay, f*ck, yeah.

Dog, doggy, doggy style!

Did he say doggy style?

Possum, playing possum, bear,

bear, barely legal!

Debbie Does Dallas.

Bear, bear claws, bear

growl, Bear Grylls!

Bareback, you're

riding bareback,

you're not wearing a condom.

What?!

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Smell my finger.

Smell my finger?!

Okay, you guys are low on time.

f*ck, Kenny, f*ck!

Is this part of the game

or is he having a stroke?

Oh, Kirk Douglas! Spartacus...

I still don't know

what this means.

Seconds away.

Yo, taxi!

Hey, no sound effects!

Boom, I got it, yes!

It's Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter,

Robert f*cking De Niro, yeah!

Take that other team!

And, time.

It's taxidermy you idiot.

f*ck! From now

on, you're the guesser

and I'm the actor. Bullshit.

It's just so sad,

it's just so sad.

I think it's time

you guys paid up.

Let's hear it for our b*tches!

Well our next act is

new to The Glory Hole,

so let's make them

feel right at home,

please give a nice warm

welcome to Shaft and Balls!

Mr. Sexy, tell me

what you wanna do tonight,

Freaky freaky freaky boys

What you wanna do tonight

It's the sexy boys,

it's the sexy boys,

Tell me what you

wanna do tonight

What a rush.

I mean how great

was that, honey?

That was definitely something.

How about Vince and Jane?

I mean, how much fun are they?

Think about it, we

could be spending

a lot of time together,

we'll be like The Rat Pack.

Yeah, except nothing

like The Rat Pack.

No.

I had fun, honey,

but I'm not ready to

buy a timeshare with them.

You know, call me

crazy, but I think

they might end up together.

I'm serious, and as much

as I like seeing Vince

get his ass handed to

him, he's not all bad.

I think it just might

take the right woman.

I've been giving

it some thought

and I wanted to ask you,

do you think I could

borrow this trophy

for a couple of days

so I could mount it

on the front of my car?

Be honest, I know you want it.

It's so good.

Laugh it up, but

I gotta tell you,

third place, that's

a bunch of bullshit.

We deserved way better

than third place,

I think this whole

thing was rigged.

Oh God, if I live to

be 100 the image of you

and Kenny will remain in my

atrophied brain.

What was this?

That was Kenny's idea.

It was beautiful.

No chance in hell.

Even if that was true,

he'd screw it up.

Wanna make a bet?

If he doesn't screw

it up, then you

have to move in with me.

Wow, honey, I kinda

imagined this as

a romantic moment, not

an I'm-drunk-off-my-ass,

let's-wager-our-future-on-

our-friends'-love-lives moment.

Great, so it's a bet.

Okay, sure, honey, it's a bet.

But don't get your hopes up.

We totally

should get a timeshare.

Okay, but in all

seriousness, I'm very impressed

that you followed through.

You may actually be

a man of your word

and I didn't expect that

from a guy like you.

A guy like me? What

the f*ck does that mean?

Well, you know, you're

a type, that's all.

Frat boy, trying to

hang on to his youth.

You're not unique.

Excuse me?

I just won a 13 inch golden

penis for a performance

at perhaps the gayest

club in America,

the f*ck I'm not unique.

Well, maybe I'm wrong.

I think that you think

that I'm not capable

of living the life of

a responsible adult.

You think I'm not capable

of a real relationship.

Hmm, that's what I think.

I think that I'm very

capable of a real relationship,

I don't know when or where

that's going to come from

but it's there.

Well, you're the one who has to

make it happen,

Vince, or you settle.

How do you know?

Oh, I know.

You'll continue to

find what you think

is that special someone,

but once the chase is over

you'll move onto the

next, never really getting

to know anyone along the way,

this path leads to your destiny,

which is hanging out

with other losers,

eating cereal out of a pot,

because all of your other

dishes are dirty.

Do not knock cereal,

it's food and drink

all wrapped into one.

Yeah, and you'll

waste all your time

playing video games

and the occasional

no strings attached sex

with someone you have

no respect for.

That doesn't sound that bad.

Yeah, well wait until she

decides to spend the night.

Yep, it's as

predictable as the sun

coming up in the morning.

How's that for predictable?

I gotta go.

Oh, are you sure

you don't wanna

take this for your mantle?

Morning, Trace.

Morning, you.

Here, here's your messages.

Okay, this probably

isn't the place,

but I thought you were great.

I've always had a feeling

but I wasn't sure.

Now, anyway, if you

want to talk to me

at anytime, you know

where to find me.

I will be in my chair.

Right, there. Okay.

Tracy, I have no idea

what you're talking about,

even more so than normal,

so I'm just gonna...

Oh no, okay, wait.

Maybe you can't see me.

Listen.

What are you doing?

Listen to me.

Why are you

getting on the desk?

Listen to me, this is

important; you're here,

you're q*eer,

we'll get used to it.

Thanks.

Hey, buddy.

It's gone viral.

What has?

We have, us, we're

spreading like herpes.

Shaft and Balls,

it's everywhere.

Look, man, I can't do

this with you anymore,

no more bets with Jane,

you've gotta promise me.

Would you relax, I got

the perfect plan for this.

Yeah, what do you

think about that?

It's not bad.

Not bad? It's

excellent, my friend.

Step back and give the big

fella a little room to work.

Let me show you how real

gunslingers do this,

okay, just pay attention.

Fire in the hole!

- You missed.

- What?

You missed the target.

Oh yeah, that's

a warning sh*t.

I'm surprised you

don't know about that.

You always wanna

fire a warning sh*t,

that gives the intruder

the opportunity to rethink

what they're doing and

nine times out of 10

they take off and

nobody gets hurt.

It's a smart business.

And you need to

come to the range

to practice your warning sh*t?

You know, practice

makes perfect,

that's my motto.

You winged him, right shoulder.

Yeah, stopped his advance.

Right wrist.

Knocked the g*n

clean out of his hand.

Hm-mm.

His eye.

What are you, a

f*cking eagle eye,

how can you even see that far?

Do you wanna move

the target closer

so you can see it?

No, I don't need to move

the target closer, alright.

Although I am

near-sighted, but whatever.

Just sit back, watch,

let me show you

how you take a guy out.

Read them and weep.

That is awful aim.

That, Annie Oakley,

is what we like to call

textbook distribution sh*ts.

You see now, your

guy, you k*lled him.

Whereas my guy, he'll

probably survive,

but he's not gonna

be snooping around

my f*cking property anymore,

you know what I'm saying.

That's a lesson.

Yeah, you lost,

you need to pay up.

It's just the

thing is, I feel like

marksmanship is so subjective.

Maybe, for your

sake, we should find

some other challenge.

Maybe you should be a

man and pay your debt.

Are you gonna tell

me why we're here

or are you gonna

keep me in suspense.

What, you want me to

just run across the bar

and take my pants

off, fine, let's just

get it over with.

Okay, see that

girl, alone in the corner?

Yeah.

All I want is for you

to go and talk to her.

That's it?

I like this idea.

If this idea was a

cause I would donate

my time and money to it.

But do you think

maybe we could find

a little more attractive girl?

Are we talking about

a threesome or not?

I want you to experience

what it is like to

have an actual

conversation with a woman.

No cheesy pick-up lines,

no ulterior motives.

This is gonna suck.

Oh God. You know I'm

hoping there's a decent

human being somewhere inside

that douchey exterior.

This is going to

go horribly wrong,

I can feel it.

I bet you find it rewarding.

I bet I won't.

By the way, I will

be sitting right across

from you so you can't just

go through the motions.

You have to stay for

at least one drink.

Just a normal conversation.

Mm hmm.

Did I mention you're

a terrible person?

Go get her.

Hi there,

I was wondering if I could

join you for a drink?

Um... I guess.

I'm Vince.

Hi, Vince. I'm Regina.

Nice to meet you.

Do you come here often?

It's my friend's

birthday, she wanted to come

for a drink, she

just went to pee.

Oh, there she is.

Hi! Well, well, well...

What do we have here?

Hi, there.

Wow.

I'm Vince, I was just

joining your friend for a drink

but I see you're home

so I'll let you guys

finish your night.

Hi?

Hi.

What's your name?

Well, you can call me

Stella, because that's my name.

Now, listen, it's my birthday,

guess how old I am.

- I really don't think...

- Come on!

Guess!

Hm... 42.

You wish!

I'm only 30.

Happy Birthday!

You're damn right it is.

Oh boy.

What?

Oh, oh man, this

is my favorite part.

The X is kicking in.

I can literally have sex

with a lamppost right now.

I am not kidding.

I was thinking I could

make a big, hot pile

of sex right here.

And right here and one

more time in the morning.

- Oh look at that.

- You got something for me?

Just reading a text,

it's probably just Nana.

That's satisfying, thank God!

Okay, ladies, I'm just

gonna finish my drink

and get out of here.

There you are, oh, honey,

I'm so sorry about

what I said earlier,

let's just get home,

the kids want you home.

I'm sorry, we had a big

fight, I'm impossible.

Okay, have a good one.

What the f*ck?

You've done everything

that I've asked, come on.

You said, "one drink,"

I served my punishment,

now we're even.

You drink up.

How stupid do you think I am?

I'm gonna wet my pants.

I am so sorry, I

tried to tell you.

Driver. Oh my God, this

is the smoothest thing

I've ever felt.

It's like tiny little

strands of silk.

Is that Pantene?

No, don't put

it in your mouth.

Oh God, how about some coffee?

Oh God, coffee is beautiful.

People don't say that

enough, after all

that it's done for us.

What is eternity but the

continuous state of now?

God, how long

does this stuff last?

For eternity.

Did you love him?

Your ex-husband.

Yeah, I did.

Huh, he's a lucky guy.

Thank you.

It must've really hurt.

I got nothing, actually

less than nothing.

He got the house and

lost all the money I had

in a bad investment.

That's what you get for

hiring a good attorney, right?

No offense.

None taken.

Looking back it

doesn't surprise me.

I guess I was just

blinded by his charm.

What's he do for a living?

Lies, cheats, avoids

taxes, it doesn't matter.

Did you know

that crying is just

laughing when you're sad?

No, I didn't know that.

Well, if you have a pen,

I'll write that down for you.

I really like you better

when you're on dr*gs.

If that was me, I

wouldn't have cheated on you.

Our mouths just made sweet love.

Wakey wakey.

Hi, I thought this could help.

Hi. Thank you.

I hope you're okay.

Yeah, that was...

kind of crazy, huh?

Yeah, it was an

experience, that's for sure.

You were amazing, obviously.

You don't remember

a thing, do you?

I'm a little fuzzy.

I think it's maybe the

highlights that I'm missing.

You don't remember the bar?

Yeah, I remember the bar.

There was a birthday

girl, right?

Good!

I remember pounding

my drink and then

after that it's just a blur.

Yeah, you got dosed.

I got roofied?!

Not really.

Apparently it was some

pretty good Ecstasy though.

Did, did we...?

No, I slept on the couch.

Lame.

You were a perfect gentleman.

Disgusting.

You've been a good sport,

you've made good

on all your bets,

and you said some very

nice things last night.

Yeah, I wouldn't know

anything about that.

Oh my God, why are

you so afraid to admit

that you have actual feelings?

It's good news.

It's what separates

you from, I dunno,

a baboon.

Thank you.

Wait a minute, I won a bet.

What?

I remember winning

a bet last night.

No, I don't think so.

No, hold on a second;

I distinctly remember

you saying, "go talk

to that girl," and

quote, "I bet

you'll find it to be"

"a rewarding experience."

I did not find it to be

a rewarding experience,

I got drugged.

That was hardly a bet.

It was a bet.

You lost, I won.

You are not welching on this.

Hold please, while I...

Yeah, it's a victory dance.

Really?

Yeah that's a victory

dance, a slow one

because I might throw up.

Wait, oh that's good there.

Can you feel it?

Are you enjoying that?

Alright.

Let's just get this over with.

Excuse me, what are you doing?

Come on, quit gloating,

here I'll help you out.

What kind of a guy

do you think I am?

What makes you think

that I want sex?

I mean, really.

Okay, humor me.

I wanna go on a date.

Are you f*cking with me?

No, I won.

I wanna go on a

date, just you and I,

no more bets, I'll

even cook dinner.

You got a problem with that?

No.

Great, stilettos and a

thong would be appreciated

but not really required.

Feel better.

All I'm doing there

is giving some ideas

trying to help you out,

plan your wardrobe.

And a handjob

would be fine, too.

That's pretty much my

whole problem, right there,

in a nutshell.

Yeah I can see why

that would be troubling.

Yeah, sorry,

this whole dating thing

is just new to me.

No, no, no, that's okay.

We'll figure this out.

Okay, so what if

instead of Travolta

it was someone

like Justin Bieber.

Ooh.

At least you have a

feminine quality, right?

And I really think

he's someone that would

care enough to not make it

completely uncomfortable.

Nah, unfortunately

Travolta's gotta be involved

either way.

But I like where

you're going with this

and I'm definitely gonna

bring it up to the guys.

Okay, but don't wait too

long because I'm afraid

the opportunity might

present itself and then,

you know you've waited

too long to say anything.

Agreed, better to be prepared.

So what's the

longest relationship

you've ever been in?

Ah, let's see.

15 years.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

Why did you guys break up?

We didn't.

It's Kenny.

Oh, I should've known.

Yeah, yeah.

So no serious girlfriends?

No, I guess I'm just,

well, afraid of commitment.

There, I said it out-loud.

Afraid to get hurt.

That's not an

easy thing to admit.

Yeah, but this

whole playboy facade

is kinda getting old.

It's actually really lonely.

That is so refreshing.

I am f*cking with you.

I've had a couple of

girlfriends but nobody

really worth the long haul.

Maybe I need to slip

you some more dr*gs.

It's crazy that

it takes heavy duty,

psychotropic dr*gs to get

me to reveal the truth.

You remember everything you

said last night, don't you?

I do.

Do you wanna make out?

God, you're romantic.

Get ready for Captain Feelgood

because he is

reporting for duty.

Oh my God, listen to this,

I gotta tell you that nicknames,

they really turn me off,

it reminds me of my ex.

Yeah.

I'm glad we're being honest

with each other

because I gotta tell you

talking about your ex,

that's actually

what turns me off.

Okay so I'll leave

the Pickle Prince out of it.

Oh that's bad.

Is that so bad?

No, no, it's not

that, it's just that

I'm feeling kind of nauseous,

I think maybe it's the Ecstasy.

What?

Yeah, yeah, it's

coming on me like a wave.

Do you mind if we do

this another time?

No, of course not.

Yeah I want it

to be perfect for you,

just not tonight.

Yeah, it's getting

kind of late anyway.

Yeah, yeah, it's super late.

Oh yeah, it was good, sorry.

It's alright.

Feel better.

You look so pretty,

I'll call you tomorrow.

The Pickle Prince, really?

f*ck.

Hang on, you had

the chance to...

Yeah.

And instead you

just asked her out.

I did.

And when do you turn

your decision making

over to your vag*na?

Hey Vince, did you lose these?

You should join my

mom's scrap-booking club,

there's ladies in it.

The craziest thing

happens now when she talks,

I can't believe it.

Oh you actually want to

hear what she has to say?

Well, no, but I don't

wanna jam an icepick

into my ear and that's huge.

Sounds like love.

Got it!

What if it's Justin

Bieber's face

on John Travolta's body?

Interesting, so

it's like Face-Off,

but with Bieb's face

instead of Travolta's?

Exactly.

So it's not really

the man's hairy ass

that gives you the problem,

it's the owner of the ass.

It's really about

having to stare

into a certain set of eyes.

Now that's a valid point.

I feel like if you stare

into Travolta's eyes

for too long it

might send you down

some weird rabbit hole.

I dunno if I'd really

ever come back from that.

But Bieber's okay?

Well at least with

Biebs I feel like he would

sense your vulnerability,

try to make you comfortable.

I'm gonna allow it. Judges?

I say no, I mean

once we start changing

all the rules then it

gets really complicated.

First thing it's Justin

Bieber and the next

thing you know,

Robert Pattinson.

Ooh, Robert Pattinson,

now you're talking.

I mean he seems like

the kind of guy who'd

stick around after, cuddle.

No, no, no, it stays Travolta.

That's a game-changer

though without Travolta.

It's over, right?

This is impossible.

What is it with

you and hot dudes?

What's up with you, man?

Nothing, it's just one

minor little obstacle.

There's no such

thing as that with you.

I maybe discovered

that I'm representing

Jane's ex in the divorce case.

What do you mean?

The Pickle Prince

of Providence.

That's her ex?!

That is so awesome!

You're f*cked, but

that is so cool,

is he as cool as he

seems on the jar?

That's all you got for me?

You're a well-respected

couples' therapist

and all you've got for

me is, "you're f*cked"?

Yeah, he's pretty awesome.

But that's before I found

out that he screwed Jane over

in the divorce, so what

am I supposed to do?

Well if you want my

professional opinion,

and this is for free,

you gotta drop the case, Vince.

I feel like she'll understand.

It's business.

You're f*cked.

I think it'll be

alright, trust me.

This is a pretty spot.

Yeah, you mind if

we hang out here for a minute?

Okay, so was there

something you wanted

to talk about?

Right.

It's more of a confession

really, but before I do

I just wanted to

tell you that I feel

like we're in a really

good place right now.

In fact, I was just

telling the fellas

that the sound of

your voice does not

make me cringe,

like even a little.

That's so sweet,

it's like Jane Austen

just speaks from you.

And?

Oh, right, you know

that big divorce case

I've been working on?

Yeah.

My client, and

it's not a big deal,

but it's the Pickle Prince.

Are you kidding me?!

I wish I was,

small world I guess.

Yeah, that's...

Well thank you for telling me.

I didn't know, I promise.

I just put two and two together,

actually it was during our date

and that's why we

didn't... sorry.

No, don't apologize,

you didn't know.

I respect you for not taking

advantage of the situation.

It must have been difficult.

Yeah, it was awful.

I had to jerk off four

times after you left.

Maybe five, I can't

remember, I lost track.

Well I guess he's just

gonna have to find someone

else willing to

destroy his wife.

Wait, Jane,

I can't drop the case,

he's the firm's biggest client,

if I make him happy

then I make partner,

I hope you can understand that.

Can I understand how

you're going to represent

the one person who

tried to ruin my life?

How you're gonna let

him ruin someone else's?

Help him ruin someone else's?

No, Vince, I can't

understand that.

I'm gonna go.

What am I supposed to do?

You know, the fact that

you have to ask me that

tells me all I need to know.

Good luck, Vince,

I hope you win.

Great.

What about the

house in the Hamptons?

I'd be happy with

four weeks a year.

Well, I'd be willing to

give you zero weeks a year.

You know, I changed my mind,

I want 19.

She is not setting

foot in that house.

I built that damn thing

with my bare hands.

In 1977 you were

five years old.

Do you think I give

a sh*t about math?!

You're a loser!

You're a whore!

Needle d*ck!

That is slander.

Slander is lying.

You wanna see this thing?

I want it noted that

I offered to measure,

I offered to measure.

Cock measure!

Everybody just relax, okay?

We're willing to let the

judge decide who gets what.

It's up to you.

No, no, they had their

chance, we're done here.

Hang on,

they're not being unreasonable.

I'm not paying you

to be reasonable,

I'm paying you to get your

f*cking ass in the game!

Any messages?

Nothing.

Thanks, you got a little...

Did I get it?

Yeah, you got it.

Why's

it gotta be so hard

Why's it gotta be this way

It's like I'm being torn apart

All this beautiful pain

I know you wanna be with me

But you gotta go to him

Freedom isn't really free

You sink before

you learn to swim

Because baby we

don't have much time

Before we go stumbling home

Pervert!

It's a memory trigger, it's...

God that thing's huge.

How can

something be that bad

When it feels this good

And I shudder in my sleep

I can hardly close my eyes

Then I wake up in a dream

Free now from a

life of compromise

Oh you never lost

but you never won,

Cause you never fought

and you never moved on

You never lost

but you never won,

Cause you never fought

and you never moved on

Don't be afraid

of looking back

I don't understand.

Okay, it doesn't

have to be Travolta,

it can also be

Justin Bieber's face.

Ew, I don't get it.

You've got to tell

her how you feel.

She won't even take my calls.

f*ck the phone, girls

like to be swept away.

Will somebody

tell this poor boy

what a real woman wants!

I like a simple

gesture, like roses.

I like a man to work for it,

I also like cash.

A woman doesn't

want no phone calls.

Dammit, you're so

sassy and so right.

Alright fellas, what

do I need to do?

Vince, sweetheart,

you've got to go after her.

Shush, here she

comes, here she comes.

What the hell are you doing?

Wait.

Wait, wait wait.

f*ck, I had In

Your Eyes queued up

but the battery d*ed.

Stay there, I'll

be right down.

I'll be here.

It's working, it's working!

Who told him to make

that noise, it was good.

You should have

ordered flowers,

why didn't we bring her flowers?

And he's dressed like a hobo.

Oh straight boys

don't know how to dress.

I think he looks

good, I'd f*ck him.

Oh you'd f*ck anybody.

True.

You would probably

would f*ck anybody.

Candy, why didn't

we get candy?

I'm gonna...

You might wanna hide now.

Get over here.

What are you doing here?

I've been trying to get

a hold of you for weeks.

Is this how you treat men?

Just use them up and dump

them in the rubbish bin?

You need to leave.

No, I demand an explanation.

You've no right to be mad at me,

this whole thing is

out of my control,

you know that.

I don't have the

right to be mad at you,

but I do have the right

to be pissed at myself

for actually thinking

that there was

something more to you.

What?! There is.

You mean something to me,

just ask the gays.

Who are the gays?

The gays, Big

Bird and the guys.

What?!

Right, never mind.

Just give me one

more chance, alright?

Make a bet, alright.

I lose, you never

have to see me again.

You choose, bowling,

darts, whatever.

Here's a bet, I bet

that you couldn't do

the right thing if your

life depended on it.

Just go, Vince,

go win your case.

So I bought her three sh*ts,

took her home and banged

her, and never called her.

Wait, that guy at the bar,

the dude in the blue shirt.

Vince, I thought that was you!

It's Gary.

Oh yeah, hey man, how are you?

Guys, Vince here

represented me

in my divorce case.

I'm gonna buy you a

drink, what do you drink?

Daiquiris, what?

No, I'm good,

I'm glad you're doing well.

Not only did this guy

help me keep my money

and my house, he got

the court to order

my ex to return the breast

implants that I paid for.

I still keep them by my bedside.

I sleep on them

sometimes, at night

I'll put them under my

head like a little pillow

and I'll rest with them.

It's wrong.

Well, it's like what

you said before our trial,

"it's not about what's

right and wrong,"

"it's about what you prove,"

and she couldn't prove sh*t!

Up top!

It's six AM, are

you coming to bed

or did I come over

here for nothing?

Boobies, you see these?

Do you want these?

Or your little joystick?

Jesus Christ,

woman, cover yourself,

what are you, Daytona Beach?

So, yeah, here's the

thing I'm only on level 12

right now, this could go

all day, so I'm thinking

maybe you'd be more

comfortable in your own bed.

You okay to drive?

Look at you, a grown

man in his boxers

playing video games until

six o'clock in the morning,

trying to get me to pack

my sh*t and go home,

that is pathetic.

And you'll waste all your

time playing video games,

and the occasional no

strings attached sex

with someone you

have no respect for.

Oh my God, she's right.

What?

Is this a kidnapping?

No, this is the new Vince

and this is a dire emergency,

just bear with me for a

bit and I'll take you home

like a gentleman, I promise.

Now hide your ass in the trunk.

You're right, you're

right, I'm sorry.

That's the old Vince, you

just wait right there.

What's going on?

I'm not gonna stop

beeping this horn

until you come down here.

I'm not joking.

Oh my God.

You really thought it was

a good idea to bring her?

We didn't sleep

together, I swear to God.

Will you tell her?

It's true, he

totally ignored me.

See? You see? I ignored her.

You should be so proud.

My ex-husband's house?!

Why are you bringing me here?

Just bear with me, please.

No!

Just come with, I

promise it's the last thing

I'll ever ask of you.

Just trust me.

Oh, well this has

to be a bad dream.

My lawyer and my

ex-wife, although

that doesn't explain you.

Really?

Good morning, Sir.

Hi, what the hell

are you doing here?

And who is she?

Her name is not really

important right now

mostly because I can't

seem to remember it

at the moment.

Look, we're a couple of

hours away from reconvening

with your soon-to-be ex-wife,

and as your attorney I

thought there was just

a couple of things we should

go over before the meeting.

Nice house!

Any place I could take a sh*t?

Guest bathroom's fine.

I'll explain that later.

Wow.

Anyway, here's what

we're gonna do,

you are gonna put a

big smile on your face

and you're gonna accept

their settlement offer.

You're gonna give her

the money that she wants

and you're gonna double it.

Plus, you're gonna give her

the house in the Hamptons

and a piece of your business,

let's say 20 percent.

And finally, most importantly,

you're gonna apologize

for being such a

horrible person.

You f*cked up one too

many times Kendrick,

it's time to pay the piper.

Pay the piper.

Did she put you up to this?

- No, no.

- This is my idea.

Really?

Your own idea? Big boy idea?

Good. Listen you have

five seconds to tell me

that you're joking and get

the f*ck off my property

before you have a

really serious problem.

Vince, let's just go.

No, no, no, we haven't

even started yet,

you are going to make

things right with Jane

right here, right now.

Well that seems

highly unlikely.

Vince.

No, no. He's going to

admit that what he did

was a huge mistake,

that he f*cked up

the best thing that

ever happened to him.

He's going to apologize

for being so self-involved

that he didn't realize he was

hurting both you and himself.

And that he was really

turned on by how good

you are at games that involve

hand-eye coordination.

What?

If he did that,

can you forgive him?

I guess that I could

probably forgive that.

And could you give

him another chance then?

I might give him another date.

You realize I'm talking

about you and I, right?

Yeah, I picked up on that.

Okay, good, I

was just checking.

Well then I'm sorry.

Are you two finished

with your little

performance here?

Ah, Kendrick, you

know I know everything

about you, right?

I mean it would be

a shame if some of

your private matters

became public knowledge.

I have nothing to hide.

Is that right? How about...?

God, I love this one.

No problem, you can't

use this in court.

And then there's these.

Oh, that is a tight ass there.

You're much more athletic

there than I expected.

Oh, I particularly

love the ball gag.

Is there a whole fist in there?

That might be my favorite.

Great penis.

How did you get these?

I had a little

crick in my neck so I

paid a visit to your

masseuse, very forthcoming.

Oh and by the way, she

offered me a happy ending,

I declined.

Oh, so heroic.

You can't submit

these as evidence,

you'll be disbarred.

You're right, but

what if these ended up

in the hands of a newspaper?

I mean you're the Pickle

Prince, imagine the headline.

Goddammit man!

You're my attorney.

Not after today, pal.

Ooh you know what, let me just

keep that one for my scrapbook.

You don't

have a scrapbook, liar!

Did you see

that? It's a great cock.

My God, you're a pig.

Pickle pig!

If I'm the pickle pig

then you're the princess

ex-princess, the ex-princess

of the pickle pig, f*ck!

Well, that about sums it up.

Fair is fair, isn't that right?

We'll have the paperwork

sent over to you

this afternoon and

unless you guys

have anything else,

we're done here.

No hard feelings, huh?

I hope you enjoyed yourself,

because your ass is out of here.

Yeah, I was sort

of planning on that.

I want you to know that

I went easy on you too.

You see, I could be having

sex with your ex-wife now.

But it turns out, I'm in

love with your ex-wife.

You know, the other one.

Anyway...

My office, now.

Yeah. Ladies.

sh*t's about to go down.

Alright, so I guess I

can do this full time now,

what do they pay a coach?

You've got a free cap.

That I paid for.

Look, you throw in a

pension plan, I'm in.

So what's the

line on the game?

Ah, let's see, first

baseman's got asthma,

pitcher's near-sighted,

and our best hitter

is deathly afraid of

anything being thrown at him,

so I'd say, yeah, we're

gonna lose by a lot.

Well I have faith.

I bet your team

wins by two runs.

I will win this bet, we suck,

we're so gonna lose this

game, what's the wager?

You guys still

doing the whole bet thing?

Really? Isn't that

a little played out?

Yeah, I gotta go

with Kenny on this one.

If you win the bet.

Yeah, I'm in. Look

alive out there, fellas!

And just so you know,

winning is not everything,

alright, sometimes

more valuable lessons

can be learned by losing.

Especially if it's

by two runs or more.

Go get them!

Don't listen to him!

So what's your plan?

I'm not sure, I think

maybe this whole thing

was a blessing in disguise.

All those years of

chasing money and climbing

the ladder I'd forgotten why

I love law in the first place.

Yeah, why's that?

It's helping people,

I lost sight of that

along the way.

Wow.

So I think I'm going

to work for a non-profit,

maybe specialize in

environmental law,

just because it's always

been something very dear to me.

See what happens.

That's amazing, I'm

really excited for you.

It's gotta be liberating...

No, I'm just f*cking with you,

I'm gonna leave the

non-profit sh*t to Kenny.

Hey, I charge my clients.

Yeah, sure you do.

Me, on the other hand,

start my own firm,

go make more money than God.

Hey, honey, don't we

have our own little wager?

Oh yeah, yeah, and

I'm a woman of my word,

but if I move in and

I find out you've got

some weird habit like

you floss your assh*le

with my face towel or save

your belly button lint

in a jar, so help me God

I will take your balls,

Oh here we go.

No wait for it,

this is a good one.

I will take each

ball individually,

I will put it on a skewer...

Ooh, like a kebob.

Yeah, like a ball kebob.

I will roast it over

an open flame...

You did it, that's great.

Play ball!

Come on, Bobby!

It's too bad they lost, huh?

Yeah, so sad.

It's been a crazy,

stupid amount of build-up

for this moment, huh?

Definitely.

Yeah. Phew!

High probability of

it being anti-climatic.

Yeah, anti-climax-ic...

That never happens with

me, just so you know.

Me neither, I can go

all night, don't worry.

Men have said that

to me, but it never

works out that way.

Trust me, I can

go longer than you,

so, we're good.

Care to make a bet?

I'll take that bet.

Shake on it.

Nah.

And action!

And in all this

time, have you ever

been unfaithful to your husband,

Mrs. Chenowith.

And by the way, your

wife, let's just say

she stuffed grape leaves.

Oh, I didn't realize

that not jogging

was still available

as an op... what?

Mine ended with a couple

putting in the necessary

time to take.

I didn't really realize that

not jogging was still...

What?

And that is why I never

flush while still sitting,

you never know

where you're gonna

find 27 pounds of sh*t.

Oh, I didn't realize that

not jogging was...

Are they

roller-skating upstairs?

No, not gonna

happen, f*ck, dammit.

We need some more

Arizona iced tea

if you don't mind.

Kenny? Oh man,

Kenny I gotta poop.

I really gotta... can you

at least hand me this beer?

My nose itches, man,

will you itch my nose?

Kenny.

Oh I didn't realize that

not jogging was actually

an option, cause if

that's the case

I vote for that.

There's butt

soup, breast soup.

Think about my hole.

I think that's my pacemaker.

There's probably some

small scissors we could

get in there, no, nothing?

Back, shoulder.

It's just like hair

soup, just straight hair.

Tracy, what are you doing?

I don't... I should

go back to work now,

shouldn't I? I

spoke out of turn,

I'm so sorry.

Come on man, you've

seen me naked before.

So, do we like

girls at all, or?

Come on, at least

bring me a long straw.

Celeste is a go,

I repeat, Celeste is a go.

That's titties for you,

there ain't no titties for us.

No tits.

Come on.

I'm the black friend, right?

I guess that would

make me the white friend.

Up top.

This doesn't look

like an airplane.

You shut your f*cking mouth!

You need to go shopping

for a new blouse.

Look, I'm you and this is Jane,

this is your nuts.

You should try that on.

Be strong, my sensitive boy,

I salute you.

Ooh! Bad.

Alright, so you guys ready?

I bet you guys, you do

this, you pay attention,

I'm gonna show you once

and you're gonna have to

do it, I'll even do it

a little slower for you.

So, one, two, three,

head, head, head.

One, two, three,

head, head, head.

Then it's stop,

bring it this way.

Got it?

Let's do it.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three,

head, head, head.

Who's the winner?

I've waited

a long long time

So I've been thinking

That it's time for

me to take my time

I've got this feeling

To be taken over by my pride

There's times in this

world when I wonder

There's times in this

world when I can't see

I've waited a long, long time

Oh whoa, whoa, whoa, I've

waited a long, long time

I've been wanting

for you to comfort me

Embrace me or let go

and just set me free

There's times in this

world when I wonder

There's times in this

world when I can breathe

I've waited a long, long time

Oh whoa, whoa, whoa, I've

waited a long, long time