01x04 - Invasion of the Secret Santas!

[bunniefuu]

- Thanks for joining us

At the pro bowlers' annual
christmas tournament,

Where some of the most
incredible athletes

From around the country
have gathered to compete

For the sport's biggest prize.

Huh? Hey! [grunting]

[microphone feedback]

- Sport? Ha! Sport?!

Hey, news flash, people.

Bowling is not a sport.

A real athlete deserves
this prize money.

Oh, but don't worry,
I'm not gonna steal it.

I'm gonna win it.

- Hey!

[laughing maniacally]

[all gasping]

- Sportsmaster.
Figures I'd find you
in the gutters.

- I like to play fair, batman,

But you're outnumbered.

[grunting]

- Then it's a good thing
crime fighting is a team sport.

- Ok, beetle.
Sportsmaster's mine.

You take the second-stringers.

[beeping]

- Don't tell me
what to do, goober!

Oh, great. Now batman
thinks I'm a jerk.

[beeping]

Well, how's he supposed to know
you started talking to me?

[beeping]

- Hey, call me crazy,

But I'm pretty sure batman
doesn't banter with his suit.

- Ha! At last,
a little real competition.

[grunting]

[both grunting]

[beeping]

- I know I'm under att*ck.

Give me something
I can dobobout it.

How about something
less likely to blow up
the entire building?

[beeping]

Ah, much better.

[growling]

We're gonna have to
call this match a tie.

- Unh! Ohh.

- Nice one, bats.

Hey, so now that we've
gift wrapped the baddies
for the police,

You think maybe you'd want
to come over my house
for christmas eve dinner?

You know my mom's
a great cook.

- Sorry. Crime doesn't
take a holiday,

And neither do I.

[bells jingling]

[children laughing]

- Though archaeology
is a science

That studies
past human cultures

Because its aim is to
ultimately understand mankind,

It ialalso
a humanistic endeavor.

- So, uh, professor ulthoon,

Is being an archaeologist
like it is in the movies,

You know, with adventure
and fighting bad guys?

- No, billy.

I am afraid it is mostly just
reading books and research.

[tires seaealing]

[gasps]

- Excuse me one moment.

[children laughing]

[tires squealing]

[both screaming]

[whirring]

- Observation: Your children
need another discussion

About traffic safety,
mr. Jones.

- Thank you so much,
red tornado.

Your heroics have certainly
filled our family

With the christmas spirit.

- Christmas spirit? Elaborate.

- You know, that tingly
feeling you get inside

Because it's the bestest
time of the year!

- This is not something
I have ever been filled with.

- Of course not, silly.
You're just a robot.

[all laughing]

[whirring]

[lights buzzing]

- Some variable
is still missing.

[singing flatly]
♪ jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ jingle all the way ♪

[slams]

Ahh.

- I've learned the most
important lesson of all.

Do you want to know the secret
of christmas spirit, billy?

- Yes. Yes. Elaborate, please.

- We interrupt with
this breaking story.

Flying saucers
have invaded our town.

Moments ago they sent
this transmission.

- People of earth!

Surrender to us
the one called santa claus,

Or be destroyed!

From this day forward,

He will finally bring
the children of neptune

The joy and happiness
they have long been denied!

- Only batman is on the scene
to defend the city.

[whirring]

[citizens screaming]

[grunting]

- [thinking] not exactly
how I was expecting
to spend my christmas eve.

[tires squealing]

[gasps]

[whirring]

- Merry christmas, batman.

- Now's not the time,
red tornado.

- But isn't christmas tomorrow?

- Not what I mean.
Tornado, behind you!

[whirring]

- Neptune is uninhabited.

- No kidding.
Search your database

For christmas movies
featuring aliens.

- Done. One refefence.

Holiday for neptunians,
produced 1954.

The alien transmission
was taken from the film.

- I'll herd them
and draw their fire.

You do the rest.

[whirring]

- Plastic.

These are earth-made toys.

- Cross-referencing
known producers

Of flying saucer toys.

- You won't find a match
for this stamp.

- Stamp does not match
listed manufacturers.

- I just said that.

Like any artist
with a giant ego,

He has to sign his work.

Don't you, funhouse?

- I was just playing around
with my new toys, batman.

Is that so wrong?

- Based on criminal records,
most of your actions are wrong.

Felony robbery,
parole violation,

Felony as*ault,
jaywalking--

- Not now, tornado.

If you think we're
going to let you continue
your deranged rampage,

You're wrong.

- Yes, yes.

♪ if "ifs" and "buts"
were candy and nuts ♪

♪ we'd all have
a merry christmas ♪

Unfortunately,
the games have only
just begun tonight.

- [little girl's voice]
christmas is my favorite
time of year.

Won't you play with me?

[beeping]

- It's a b*mb!

- [little girl's voice]
my christmas wish

Is to blow everything
to smithereens.

- Tornado,
give this more altitude.

[whirring]

- Imperative:
Funhouse cannot ruin christmas.

- This is about more
than ruining christmas.

Funhouse is a crook
before he's anything else.

And why do you care
so much anyway?

- I am lacking
christmas spirit.

It is something
I wish to experience.

- It's overrated.

- Observation: I am not
the only one who lacks it.

Perhaps this
will help us both.

- You shouldn't have.

- Merry christmas, son.

Let's see what santa
brought you.

- Based on the dimensions,
and weight of the package,

And the sound
of what's inside,

I think I've deduced
exactly what it is!

- Our little detective.

- I am not detecting
any christmas spirit within you.

- Thanks,
but I didn't get you anything.

- Do not apologize.

I understand giving exemplifies
the holiday spirit,

Not receiving.

Yet, I s still do not feel
this spirit I am told of.

There should be
a tingling sensationon, correct?

- When you start tingling,
I'd see a repairman.

Come on.
We've got to find fun haus.

- [all laughing]

- Hey, santa.

Got any presto playpal
action figures left?

- Ho, ho, ho!

- Maybe he didn't hear you.

[whirring]

- Inquiry. Why do you
dislike christmas, batman?

- I don't dislike christmas.

I dislike crime.
- Hey!

- Whoa!
- What the--

- Down there!

- Ho, ho, ho!

- Ok, santa.

You've been sipping
a little too much eggnog.

Time to go home.

- Ho, ho, ho!

- While your devotion
to the holiday spirit
is commendable--

- [grunts]

[grunts]

He just made
my naughty list.

- Observation--
santa is not supposed
to behave in this manner.

- That's because
this isn't santa.

- Ho, ho, ho!

- [screams]
- ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho--

[distorted]
ho-ho-h-h-h--

[footsteps]

All: Ho, ho, ho!

- Gee, that won't give kids
nightmares, will it?

- [screams]

- [grunts]

- [grunts]

- [gasps]
- ho, ho, ho!

- [all screaming]

Santas:
Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, h--

- Hey, santa,
didn't you hear us?

- Ho, ho, ho!

- [gasps]

- [screams]
- ho, ho, ho!

- [reindeer whinny]

- Ho, ho, ho!

- [grunts]
- [boys scream]

- [grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[whirring]

- Ho, ho, ho!

- [grunts]

- Ho, ho, ho...

- Pretend
you didn't see that.

- [both scream]

- [boys scream]

[whirrs]

- A christmas miracle!

[whirring]

- [electronic crackling]

- [boy crying]

- Was your child frightened by
the false santa claus machines?

- Nah.
He knew they were fakes.

He's only crying
'cause he wants this
playpal action figure.

It's the most popular toy
for christmas.

Every kid in town
just has to have one.

- Your grandpa gave that to me
when I was your age.

Now, it's yours.

- This isn't
what I asked for.

I wanted
the swashbuckler action figure!

- [faint alarm buzzing]

- You guys have been
the best playpals

I could have ever asked for.

Now, I only have
one more game for you.

'twas the night
before christmas,

And I've hidden a b*mb.

And if you don't find it,

All won't be calm.

- Come on, tornado.

There's no time to lose.

[beeping]

- Observation--

The search for the b*mb was only
a wild goose chase.

- Then what has he been trying
to distract us from?

- Christmas morning.

I hope today we both get
what we wish for most.

- I know it wasn't
the swashbuckler toy you wanted,

But your mom and I thought
a swashbuckler movie would be
the next best thing.

Did you like it?

Ok, then. Let's go home.

[distant g*nshots]

- Mom! Dad!

Sometimes
what you wish for most

Is the one thing
you can never have.

Speaking of wish lists,

That logo...

Fun haus made
the presto playpals!

So that's his evil game.

- Awesome!

[gasps]

Huh?

- [grunts]
- [screams]

- [gasps]

- [gasps]

[whimpers]

- Oh, it's
the most wonderful time
of the year.

- You'll be doing hard time
by new year's.

- Not if you're in the grave
by lunch.

[whirs]

- If I can't steal
from these people on christmas,

Then I'll just steal christmas
from these people.

- [screams]

- [all screaming]

- Everyone, get to cover!

- [screaming
and indistinct shouting]

- Declaration--

You will endanger these people
no further, robot.

Need...More...Power.

- [screams]

- Tornado, you're putting
too much stress on your body!

- [screaming]

- Yay!

[crackling]

- Odd. I am feeling
a strange tingling sensation.

- Hang on, old friend.

They'll have you
put back together
in no time, tornado.

- Observation--

It was an amazing feeling,
batman.

- Merry christmas.

[thinks]
merry christmas
to you, too, alfred.

[beeping]

- [thinks]
but crime doesn't take
a holiday.

And neither do I.