02x07 - My Way or the Highway

[bunniefuu]

- I'm honored to introduce
the woman

Who's been an inspiration
of mine for years.

She's shown the women
of this state

That if we put our minds to it,
anything is possible.

- A female governor?
Ew, yuck!

Am I the only one
who hates women? Huh?

- Ladies and gentlemen,

The current and future
governor, nina melcher!

[Applause]

- Good morning,
brickleberry.

It's such
an honor to speak to--

- Boo!

I'm here to see the governor,
not his frumpy housekeeper!

[Laughs]

- Woody!
What the hell is your problem?

- Shh! He drank his breakfast.
Let's see where this goes.

- I'll tell you
what my problem is!

I don't want
some uppity she-governor

Telling me what to do!

I'm here to lodge
an intelligent protest!

Show your tits!
Show your tits! Show your tits!

I was talking to her,
you idiot!

Hey, steve,
you got nice tits.

- Sir, is there something
you would like to say to me?

- Yes, governor "felcher,"
there is!

For 700 proud years,
this country was run by men!

All courage, attitude,
and big, swinging sausage.

But then women
got put in charge.

What's next?

Making the tampon
the official state bird?

- Or maxi pads.
They have wings.

- I suggest
that you be quiet

And show a little respect,
or you'll regret it.

- Run for cover, everybody!
She's havin' a hot flash!

[Laughs]

- Shut your sexist mouth!

- Oh, what's she gonna do?

[Yawns]

[Horns honking]

What the hell?

[Grunts and yelps]

"The woody johnson is a sexist
assh*le memorial highway"?

No!

♪

- [Screams]

- ♪ Brickleberry

[Horn honks]

- She built a g*dd*mn highway
through my park!

- Well, maybe next time,
you'll think twice

About picking a fight
with the governor.

She's a pit bull.

- Well, you're just lucky
that I can't think

Of a derogatory term
for "female dog."

- I've got one--connie.
- Oh.

- If you want
that highway gone,

You should apologize
to the governor.

- I will never apologize
to a woman!

And if that bothers you, ethel,
well, I apologize.

- But you just apologized.

- Oh, don't trap me
with your goopy vag*na logic!

- Jesus, woody, what did
your mother do to you?

- My mother was a saint.

- I'm so proud of you, son.
Happy eighth birthday.

Now, screw this hooker so you
don't turn into a q*eer.

- And that's how woody
met his first wife.

- Good morning, rangers.

- "Go back to africa, n*gro."

- Woody!
- What?

I was just
reading his shirt.

- Some rednecks
gave it to me.

They're outside, recruiting
for their militia.

- But why are you
wearing it?

- I don't give a sh*t what
it say--it's a free t-shirt.

- I like it.
Does it come in puerto rican?

- Oh, crap.

Now we got a militia
to deal with?

This is not my week.
Steve, go take care of it!

Where the hell is steve?

[Horns honking]

- Um...help?

- Ah, screw steve.
Connie, go take care of it!

- [Knocks on door]

Uh, is this
the militia meeting?

I was sent here to--

- Yeah!
You wanna join?

- Bodean, what the hell?

- What?
We need members, bobby.

- We're anti-gay, remember?

She's a gay.

- Yeah, bobby, I remember,
but she looks strong

And nobody else will join,

Not even your crazy brother
or your crippled sister

Or your dirty whore aunt
who tried to bite my peter off.

- Good point.

Okay, I got
an announcement to make.

You can join.
We are now pro-gay.

- Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy!

Nobody ever asked me
to join a club before.

- And here's
your free t-shirt.

- Yay!
Free t-shirt!

- How's the soup?

- What?
- Soup!

- Poop?
- No! Soup!

- I know!

I'm saying
your soup tastes like sh*t.

[Rumbling]

- Ow! Oh! Oh!
Damn it!

- You sure you don't want
to apologize?

- Never! We are gonna make
the best of this!

[Horn honks]

[Crash]

Where the [bleep]
did that come from?

[Horns honking]

[Doorbell rings]

And who the hell
are you?

- Man, I'm glad
you're open.

This is the first rest stop
for miles.

I gotta squeak a leak
out of my crotch beak.

[Horns honking]

- What the hell?

- Hey, are you the manager?
I think I broke your shitter.

But don't worry.
People are still using it.

- Blegh!

What the--

- You said,
"make the best of it."

[Cash register bell dings,
door beeps]

- That's it!
I can't take it anymore!

- Aabheer, your shift's
starting early.

- Jackpot.

♪

- I think it's great
that you're apologizing.

It shows
your sensitive side.

Hey, what kind of flowers
are those? Pansies?

- No, they're a bouquet
of shut-the-[bleep]-upsies.

I'll do anything to get
that highway out of my park.

- [Whistles]
wow! Nice mansion!

Why don't we live
in a place like this?

Oh, right!

'Cause that lady governor

Is more of a man
than you are.

- Hello, governor.

- Oh, it's you.
Make it fast, johnson.

I'm late
for a very important speech.

- This will only
take a second.

I just wanted to say
I'm s-s-s-s-s-s--

- Such a p*ssy.

- I'm sor--eeh-uhh!

[Inhales deeply]

I'm sorry
that you felt threatened

By my manhood
and got all weepy

When I told the truth!

There.

- That's your apology?

- Plus these.

- He ate most of the candy
on the way here.

- And judging by your ass,
I did you a favor.

[Laughs]
kidding.

Your ass isn't that--
well, it's pretty big,

But, hey, I'd still do you
with the lights off.

So, friends again?

- I can promise you
one thing, mr. Johnson.

As long as I'm governor
of this state,

That highway
won't move an inch!

- What? You can't do this
to me, you dirty c--

- Now, if you'll
excuse me.

- So the truck stop stays.
All right.

I gotta get home
and patch up some glory holes.

- Not so fast!
I ain't done yet.

Step aside, lady!

I got my own announcement
to make.

I, woodrow wayland johnson,
am running for governor!

Any questions?
Yes, the lady dressed in black.

- Why are you announcing this
at my son's funeral?

[Crying]

- Uh-oh, fox news just said
that gay t*rrorists

Are trying to replace
our g*ns with abortions.

That's why woody
needs to be governor.

Just make that donation check
out to "malloy."

[Radio static]
- hey, guys! It's steve!

I've been trapped for days
in the middle of the highway!

Please send--

- All right, team woody!

How much money have we raised?

- $30,000.
- Boom!

- Oops, sorry.
Negative $30,000.

- What?

- There's the printing,
the radio spots,

Uh, and that dolphin
for your inauguration.

[Dolphin chatters]

- It was an impulse buy,
but I don't regret it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You've got a lot of nerve

Wearing that
in my campaign office.

- It's not your
campaign office, woody.

It's the ranger station.

- "Burn in hell, jew."
- What?

Oh, more free
militia t-shirts, denzel?

- No, I got this
at the gap.

- Look, woody,
you don't stand a chance.

Governor melcher
cut unemployment,

She balanced the budget,

And won a congressional
medal of honor.

You're a r*cist,
misogynistic w*r criminal!

- Well, when you say it
with that negative tone,

It sounds bad, yeah.

- Ugh!
- Woody, here's the deal.

I need you to win

So I can live
in the governor's mansion.

- I'm running
against a woman.

Of course
I'm going to win.

- You're trailing
in the polls by 99%!

We need to do
something drastic.

- You're right!
We should buy another dolphin!

- No! Let's blackmail
this woman.

- Ooh, that's smart.

Get some dirt on her,
hold it over her head.

- No. I said, "black male,"
i.e., You.

You're gonna make
a sex tape with her.

- Yeah, then we can
whack off to it.

- No, we will send it
to the press.

- You do it your way,
I'll do it mine.

- I do love sex and electronics.
But how old is she?

- Don't worry.
She's old.

- Hey, did you
hear that, d*ck?

You excited?
Looks like you are!

- Aah!

Aah-aah-aah-aah!

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no!

[Groans]
damn it!

- Bodean, I'm not
asking you to suck it.

Just hold it in your mouth.

Welcome, member!

- Guys, I got great news.

I brought a new recruit!
He's my life coach.

- Hola.

- No, no, no!
No mexicans!

We are definitely
anti-mexican!

- But he brought
chimichangas!

- These are real good, bobby.

- Okay, fine.
You can join.

- Gracias, amigo.

- That's "burrito christmas"
in mexican.

- Hey, hey,
sexy governor.

- Oh, I'm not the governor.
That's the governor.

- W-w-w-w-what?

I got some bad news
for you, d*ck.

- How far are you going,
friend?

- Across the street.

- Cool.
I'll take you there.

Say, do you mind

If we make a quick stop
by my parents' house?

- Aah!

- Crazy weather
we've had lately, huh?

Where'd you say
you were going?

- Uh, across the street.

- Cool! That's on the way
to my sister's house.

- Governor melcher
has dropped out of the race

After the release
of a sex tape with a black male.

- Damn, your breasts
are so firm and perky.

- Oh, thank you.

- That wasn't
no compliment!

- Denzel, how could you?

- Whew!
It wasn't easy.

I had to close my eyes
and think

About queen elizabeth
scissoring barbara bush.

- Damn it, woody!
This is low, even for you.

- You want to see low, ethel?
Wait till I'm governor.

You'll be lucky to go outside
without a g*dd*mn burqa!

- There's no way
I'm letting you run unopposed.

- Well, who's going
to challenge me?

- I would like to announce
my candidacy for governor!

- Why won't you people
leave our family alone?

- ♪ I'm the governor,
look at me ♪

♪ Everybody loves me,
I'm the governor ♪

♪ I'm the governor,
I'm the governor ♪

♪ I'm the governor!

- Can you please shut up?

I'm trying to
pick out a 90-inch tv

For the governor's mansion.

- Whoa, malloy.

Do you really think
you're going to live

In the governor's mansion
with me, do you?

- What do you mean?

- I'm sorry, little buddy,

But governors
don't live with bears.

- You backstabbing turncoat.
I made you.

- Malloy, we'll just have
to keep our relationship

On the down-low, that's all.

Everybody already thinks
it's weird.

- Weird?
Lincoln sucked off a kangaroo.

Read a history book.

- And so,
if you want a state

Where all races live in peace
and harmony without w*r,

Rich people, or red meat,

And the only violent acts
committed

Are against unborn babies,

You should vote for me.
- That's great, ethel.

- Connie, come on, you're
supposed to pretend to be woody.

- Oh, sorry, that's right.

[Imitates woody]
aaargh! I'm woody!

Connie, you stupid [bleep]!

Go get rid
of that militia!

[Normal voice]
no, woody. They're my friends.

[Imitates woody]
shut the hell up, connie!

Everybody hates you!

[Crying]

- All that running and crying,
you'd think she'd be thinner.

Ethel!
How are you?

- What do you want?
- Just thinking.

I could see us actually
becoming pretty good friends,

You know,
when you're governor

And we're both living
at the governor's mansion.

- You want to move into
the governor's mansion with me?

- Think of all the late nights
we'd spend in our pjs,

Binging on haagen-dazs,

Rubbing our beavs
to ryan gosling.

- You do realize
that there's absolutely no way

I'd ever
live with you, ever.

You've been trying to ruin
my life ever since I got here.

- Girl, you so crazy.
It was all in fun.

- The answer is "hell, no."

- The streets will run red
with your blood.

- So, when they said pluto
was no longer a planet,

Well, that really
ticked me off!

Am I crazy?

- [Whimpers]
not from where I'm sitting.

- You know who else likes pluto?
My sister.

[Imitates female voice]
guess what, big brother.

[Normal voice]
what, little sister?

[Imitates female voice]
pluto's not even

A planet anymore.

[Normal voice]
shut your lying mouth,

You bitch!

Sorry.
Sibling rivalry.

- [Laughs awkwardly]
oh!

She--she seems nice.

[Sighs]

God damn it!

- Wow, you guys.

What a great
militia meeting, right?

Look at all these new members.
- Yeah, yeah.

Shut your face and pass
the militia mac and cheese.

[Gobbles food]

- Who the hell
invited this guy?

We are definitely
anti--anti--uh--

What the hell are you,
anyway?

- I have no idea!

- This is awesome, bobby.

Our membership
is at an all-time high.

- And isn't having
a multicultural militia

So much nicer?

- Yeah, I guess so,

But don't militias need to
make some sort of statement?

- Yes, you do.

First of all,
militias don't have picnics.

- Well, what do militias do?

- Violent acts.

How do you not know this?

You guys look more like
the ellis island book club.

- Malloy, what are you doing?

- Quiet, militia etheridge.

Let the talking bear
finish talking.

- If you want to be
a real militia,

You need to stand up
and do something big,

Something destructive,

Something that puts you
in the history books.

- Like that guy who invented
the double-donged dildo!

- Can he not talk?

It's time to make a statement
the world will hear!

[Cheering]

- Hell, yeah! Count us in!
- Yes!

It's time we started acting
like a real [bleep] militia!

- Our children's
test scores

Have been dropping
at an alarming rate.

What is your plan, mr. Johnson?
- Listen, chuckles.

I'll be asking
the questions around here.

- Uh, no, you won't.
He's the moderator.

- Not anymore.
I'm the moderator now.

♪ I'm the moderator,
look at me ♪

♪ Everybody loves me,
I'm the moderator ♪

♪ I'm the moderator,
I'm the moderator ♪

♪ I'm the moderator!

- Let's just take
some questions

From the audience.

- I'll allow it.

- Hello, everybody.

I'm the leader of the
ellis island book club militia,

And we have decided
to assassinate the new governor.

So, whichever one
of y'all wins, you're dead!

Y'all have a nice day.

- Listen here.
I don't respond to threats.

All my life, I've been told
that because I'm a woman,

I should give up.

Well guess what!
I'm...

[All gasp]

Dropping out of the race
for governor immediately.

- No, no, no, no.
I'm dropping out of the race.

- No, you're not!
I dropped out first.

- I'm much more qualified to
drop out of this race than you!

- You can't tell me that
I can't drop out of this race.

- Would someone please
call me an ambulance?

- Jesus! This guy asks
a lot of [bleep] questions!

- Uh, malloy?
- Yes, connie?

- I'm really happy you joined
our militia and everything,

But, uh, I'm not so sure
about your idea

To violently assassinate
the governor.

- Relax, connie.
No one's gonna get hurt.

- Really?
- Really.

I just want to scare them
into dropping out of the race.

If I can't live
in the governor's mansion,

Neither can they.

Trust me.
No one's gonna die today.

- Someone's definitely
going to die today,

As woody johnson
and ethel anderson's names

Will remain on the ballot
whether they drop out or not,

Which means one of them
will be elected governor

And swiftly assassinated.

- Ain't I a stinker?

- Hi, I'm ethel anderson,

And there's no way that
I should be elected governor.

Why, you say?

Because I'm a raging,
unrepentant alcoholic,

And I believe the holocaust
never happened,

But I wish it did.

Vote woody johnson
for governor.

- Hi, I'm woody johnson,

And there's no use
b*ating around the bush.

I molest kids,
and I love it.

- And I promise
to make this state

A safe haven
for t*rrorists.

- Hey, can I just say,
"[bleep] our troops"?

- Look where I can stick
the statue of liberty!

- Domestic v*olence
isn't a problem.

It's a solution.

- ♪ The camptown ladies
sing this song ♪

♪ Do-dah, do-dah

[Horns honking]

- And the election results
are in.

- If I win,
I am dropping off the grid.

I'll change my name to
something inconspicuous, like...

Rick swordfire.

- Yeah, good thinking.

- The winner
and the new state governor is...

Woody johnson...

- What?
- Whoo-hoo!

In your face, dead man!

- By the remarkably low count
of two votes to none.

- Wait.
You voted for yourself?

- Well, I wasn't gonna vote
for a g*dd*mn woman.

- Hello, mr. Governor.

- [Australian accent]
you've got the wrong guy.

My name is rick swordfire.

- I knew rick swordfire,

And you, sir,
are no rick swordfire!

- [Normal voice] ohh...
Et tu, malloy?

- Hey, you wouldn't let me live
in the governor's mansion.

- Okay! You can live
in the governor's mansion!

[Crying] you can have
the master bedroom!

I'll sleep in the shitter!

I don't care!
Just talk them down!

- Really?
Okay, guys, great news.

Put down your g*ns.

The assassination
is a no-go.

- Oh, hell, no!

You can't get a militia
all hot and bothered

And leave 'em hanging
like that.

It's time to bust
a nut in his ass!

Uh, I mean cap.

- We can do both!
- Stop!

- Ethel? What are--
- shut up, woody.

Let a woman talk some sense
into these idiots.

- Out of the way, two tits!
We have a message to send!

- What kind of message
could you possibly want to send

By k*lling this
pathetic piece of sh*t?

- We're gonna k*ll him

Because he
represents a government

Controlled
by the zionist jew thr*at!

- Uh, bobby, we're okay
with jew people now.

Chaim got us these uniforms
from his garment factory.

- Fine, what I meant
to say was, we gonna k*ll him

'Cause he wants
to flood our shores

With dirty immigrants.

- Psst, immigrants
are good, remember?

Professor chin
did all our laundry,

And dr. Patel drove us here
in his cab.

- Aw, sh*t, are we
anti-anything anymore?

- I know what we are!

We're anti-white
garbage trash man!

- Oh!

[g*nf*re]

- Guys! Stop!
I got an idea.

How about if we make
our militia

All about being
anti-v*olence?

[g*nf*re]

- Screw it.

[g*nf*re]

- You think
we can just leave?

- I don't see why not.

Ethel, you saved my life.

You've proved to me that women
are capable of great things.

I was wrong.
I'm sorry.

- Your first female apology.
Wow.

- I did act like
a misogynist assh*le,

Yet you still saved me.
Why?

- Because even though
we may be different genders,

Deep down inside,
we're both red-blooded--

- White people.
High five!

- No, actually,
I was going to say--

- Shh-shh.
We'll leave it at that.

I am pleased to announce

That my first act
as your governor

Is to remove the highway

Running through
brickleberry park.

The wrecking crew is
already on its way.

- Ah, well, phil,
your family is great company,

But we've been playing
for six straight days.

- Oh, we're just
getting started.

Uh-oh. You forgot to say,
"uno"!

[Helicopter flying overhead]

- Oh, a helicopter!
Thank god! I'm saved!

Aah!

- Uno!

- And with that done,
I'm stepping down as governor.

As a thank-you
to my friend ethel,

My last act is to pardon
governor melcher

For her having sex
on tape with a black guy

And hand the job
back to her.

- Thank you, woody!
- It's good to be back.

- She governor again?

You made me rob
the cradle for nothing?

- Wait a minute.
You were behind that sex tape?

- [Chuckles nervously]
water under the bridge, right?

[Yawns]

[Door slams]

"The woody johnson prison

For criminally insane
man-rapists"?

Uh-oh.

[Groans]

- Aah!