02x07 - Harlequinade

[bunniefuu]

Here it is, gentlemen.

Enough kaboom to turn Gotham
into the world's biggest pothole.

What say we start the bidding
at one million?

- One million.
- Two million.

- Three million.
- Five.

Gentlemen, please. Don't insult me
with nickel-and-dime bids.

The man who walks outwith this b*mb
walks outwith Gotham in his pocket.

Yours to pick clean or blow sky-high.

Your call. What am I bid?

How about nothing?

Zero, zip, zilch, nada.

My personal check for bupkis.

Drawn on
the First National Bank of Squadoo.

Sorry, boys,

this lot is sold.

Whoops.

You really should loosen up, dear.

Have a laugh now and then.

That's so much more pleasant.

Alerting the public now
would only cause a panic, Commissioner.

But if that madman plans to use
the b*mb, we've got to clear the city.

I can't evacuate 10 million
people on your suspicions.

We don't even know if the b*mb's
still in Gotham.

Keep me posted if you find anything.

The Joker will be
extra cautious this time.

We'll have to think like him.

Or recruit someone who does.

Ms. Quinn.

Don't you knock before entering
a lady's boudoir?

- I need help.
- Well, you've come to the right place.

I recommend a Iobotomy.

The Joker's stolen a b*mb.

If I can't get to him in time

this city and everyone in it
is going up in a mushroom cloud.

So you want me to
turn squealer on Mr. J. Ha!

Sorry, B-man, no deal.

I've talked to Gordon
and Dr. Bartholomew.

You help me find the Joker, and they'll
write your ticket out of here.

Whee!

If you promise no double-cross.

Ah, sh**t, take all the fun out of life.

I don't have time for jokes.

Okay, okay, I promise.

Shake?

Oh, the irony of it.

The grim, stalwart Dark Knight
and his greatest female adversary

fighting together to save the city.

I sense a lack of trust.

Sure you don't need any help
keeping Zippy under control?

I'm fine.

Besides, I need you to be ready
if Gordon's men get any leads.

- I'II signal if there's trouble.
- You got it.

- I wanna listen to the radio.
- Don't!

Oops.

Listen, and listen good.

You don't touch anything, say anything

or do anything unless I tell you!

- Got it?
- Yes, sir.

So far, Joker hasn't been seen
at any of his old hideouts.

I want you to show me the last place
he used when he escaped.

Okay.

This used to be our special love nest.

Have a look around while I slip into
something more comfortable.

No tricks.

Hey, we have a deal, remember?

Whee!

Ah! I feel like a human being again.

Hi, babies! Mommy's home!

Are you the sweetest babies?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

How do you “he our ha-hacienda?

Charming.

Especially these monitors.

Between the cops,
city hall and the mayor's office,

Joker has the whole city wired.

He's a genius.

What's the attraction, Quinn?

This sick infatuation with the Joker.

Look, Bats, when I was a doctor

I was always listening
to other people's problems.

Then I met Mr. J., who listened to me
for a change and made everything fun.

You think it's funny
when he hurts people?

It's just a joke.

Hope you're still laughing
when it's your turn.

Hmph.

Meet us at
the Apex novelty factory.

Quinn says it's an old hideout.
But the Joker may be using it again.

I'm on my way.

- Grab on.
- I can do it myself, thank you.

Ha-ha! Ow!

Sneak, sneak, sneak.

- Shh.
- Shh.

What do you mean, "Shh"?
No one's been in this dump for years.

Uh-oh.

Hey, guys, look who I got.

Well, well.

If it ain't the big, bad Batman

come to break up
Boxy Bennett's little social club.

It's gonna cost you, freak, big time.

Hi, Boxy. Long time no see.

Harley Quinn.

Last I heard, they tossed you in
the squirrel farm and swallowed the key.

What you doing with the Bat?

Come on, you don't think
I was working with Batman?

I know you'd blow us both away
if you thought that.

You thought right, sugar.

Phew.

So, you ain't seen Mr. J. around,
have you?

Nope.

You know, I never could figure
what a cute "file number like yourself

saw in a slob like the Joker.

Especially when there are suave guys
like me around.

Now, Boxy.

Sure, my pudding's
a little temperamental.

But, gee, what relationship
doesn't have its ups and downs?

A flat.

I never knew
That our romance had ended

Until you poisoned my food

And I thought it was a lark

When you kicked me in the park

But now I think it was rude

I never knew that
you and I were finished

Until that bottle hit my head

Though I tried to be aloof

When you pushed me off the roof

I feel our romance is dead

It wouldn't have been so bad
If you had told me

That someone had taken my place

But no
No, you didn't even scold me

You just tried to disfigure my face

You'll never know
How this heart of mine is breaking

It looks so hopeless, but then

Life used to be so placid

Won't you please put down that acid?

And say that we're sweethearts again

- Yeah.
- All right, baby!

Whoo! All right, B and R!

Hey, ugly.

They're all working together.

Let's go, Quinn!

Quinn!

Whee!

Bombs away!

Huh?

Yes!

Did you see the way
I handled those creeps?

Pow! Bam!

Oh, Batgirl, eat your heart out.

What was she before she went bonkers?

A clinical psychiatrist.

Figures.

- Any word on the Joker?
- Nothing.

I even checked with Gordon again,
and the mayor still refuses

to let the cops evacuate the city.

Oh, it's brilliant.

Way to go, Mr. J.!

What are you saying?

Oh, come on, Bats.

You've seen how my pudding
keeps an eye on Gotham.

What better way to
tie up the cops

than to tie up the mayor?

Whoo-hoo!

See, do I know how
Mr. J. thinks, or what? Ha!

And here you thought I was just another
bubble-headed blond bimbo.

Well, the joke's on you.
I'm not even a real blond.

Good job.

Huh? Hey!

- What gives?
- I can't risk you warning the Joker.

Would I do a thing like that?

Hey, let me out! Come on!

Boy, you just can't trust some people.

Nothing like a moonlight dip,
eh, Mr. Mayor?

Please, just make your ransom demands
and get on with it.

Oh, no ransom this time, Hammy.

- You can't mean-
- Oh, yes, indeedy-do.

Instead of taking you, the cops
and the Batman down separately,

I'm going to blast you all at once.

Send down the plane, boys.

We're blowing town.

Literally.

Yes, sir.

But all those innocent people.

Some joke on them, eh?
Think of it as the ultimate punch line.

What? Hey!

Gee, it's amazing what you find
in people's glove compartments.

Harley?

Hi, pudding. Miss me?

You clever little minx.

How did you escape from Arkham?

Batman sprung me so I could find you.

Had me all locked up
in his bad old car, too.

Aww.

Quinn, we had a deal!

Deal's off, B-man. No one ever said
anything about hurting Mr. J.

Oh!

10-minute countdown
sequence has been engaged.

Oh, my Lord.

Come, my dear.

We'll get to a safe altitude,
then watch the fireworks.

It's lucky you were here, Harley.

The countdown sequence
didn't leave Joker enough time

to swing by Arkham and pick you up.

Quiet, brat.

You were gonna come back for me,
weren't you, pudding?

Of course, pumpkin pie.

It's just that... Well, here you are,

so I can save myself a trip.

But what about all our friends?

Ivy and Two-Face and hat guy
and lizard man and puppet head and-

What about them?

Don't forget your little pets.

The babies!
We can't leave the babies!

I'll buy you a goldfish!

- Let's go!
- No!

Why, you little-

You know, Bats, I got a crazy idea

Mr. J. may not be the guy
for me after all.

- Go around again!
- But, boss...

- I said do it!
- Yes, sir.

Made it with time to spare.

That b*mb's going off
even if I go with it!

Laugh this off, pudding!

Whoa!

- Freeze, clown.
- Quinn, stop!

He's mine, Bats.

You wouldn't dare.

You don't have the guts.

Not in a million years would you-

Baby, you're the greatest.