Hello, loyal viewers.
I want to play a game.
You're watching this
on your TV, your laptop
or your mobile
communication device,
but what you don't know
is that your life is in danger.
Because I've placed
an expl*sive in...
What was that?
Did y'all hear that?
Somebody needs to stop playing.
Ah, hell, no!
Mama!
Aah!
Little bitch.
I love Halloween.
♪The Cleveland Show 4x01♪
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
Damn, that is spooky dope.
You're not wearing that.
But it's Halloween.
You're such a prude.
Donna "Saran Wrap" Tubbs
is not a prude.
There's a recession, Roberta.
We don't have money
for nonsense like costumes.
How come he
gets a costume?
Costume?
This is sports gear.
It's necessary.
Got to cheer on
my Stoolbend Steamers
against the hated
Goochland Glorioles.
Cleveland, I was just
explaining to Roberta
that we're cutting back
right now, and that's why
she has to return
that slutty Halloween costume.
All right.
Roberta, you must
return that costume.
Ugh!
Are we really broke?
Yeah, but no
more than usual.
Ah, good, 'cause I'm
going to drink the rest
of our money at the game.
I'm going to liquidate it.
Get it?
Yes.
Drinky, drinky, wee-wee?
Cleveland, you can't drink this year.
Come again?
You and the guys alternate
being the designated driver,
and this year is your turn.
The designated driver?
No!
I spend 364 days a year
dressed like a damn nun,
and the one night I want
to show a little skin,
my dumb old parents
won't let me.
Do you want your Federline
to talk to your step-pops
and make things right?
He hates you.
What?
But I gots to be tight with
my possible step-pops-in-law.
Maybe he just don't
know me well enough.
He's about to get Feducated.
See, that's the
stuff he hates.
Yes, I'm trying to locate
Toonces, the Cat
Who Could Drive a Car?
What?
But how'd he die?
Feline leukemia?
Well, that's not funny.
Oh, it's no use.
I've tried one thing
I can think of
to find a
designated driver.
I'm screwed.
What's up, Mr. C?
Shut up.
Come on, I think
yous and mes should get
to know each other better.
What you doing this weekend?
I'll be busy being sober
at a football game
unless I can find
some jackass to drive me.
Wait.
There's a jackass
right here.
Federline, congratulations,
you're our designated driver.
Blap yeah.
Thanks for making it so we
can't have costumes, Roberta.
You ruined Halloween.
It's my mom
and Cleveland's fault.
They're the ones who said we
can't buy costumes this year.
Except for me,
'cause I'm so cute.
Die, die, die, die, die!
Aw.
Aw.
Look, I'm still going out
this Halloween.
And since I can't go
as someone sexy,
I'm going to dress up as
the least sexy thing possible.
This is how I'm getting
back at my mom.
You're going to have sex
with my dad.
No, I'm going as my mom.
And you should go
as Cleveland.
Then we can go out,
egg houses, TP trees...
Ow!
Aah, I cut myself
pretty bad!
And people
will think they did it.
Come on, Junior, let's get you
in Cleveland's clothes.
Okay, but don't look
at my breasts.
They're not finished.
No, no, no, y'all keep
planning your pranks.
I'll just... I'll just sit
over here and bleed out.
I can't believe
you'd sell this costume
to a 15-year-old girl.
We want a full refund.
I'll have to, like,
talk to my manager.
Eric?
Can you believe Roberta
thought I'd let her
out the house
looking like this?
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Mmm.
What, you like this?
Well, not on Roberta.
But on you, it's giving me
a Halloween "boo-ner."
Really?
This? I don't know.
You'd be shocked to learn
what it takes to turn me on now.
Mmm, p*rn.
Put it on, pretend you're
a naughty stranger,
and meet me after the game
at the Travelodge.
Ooh, I love how your
natural cheapness
plays into the fantasy.
Mm-hmm.
You forgot your...
Jobs are hard.
Give me an "N"!
"N"!
And give me a "D"!
"D"!
What's that spell?
Goochland!
Whoops, I meant Stoolbend.
Oh, man, I am drunk.
Yo, it's dope finally
hanging with you,
Mr. Brown-Biggie-Brown,
the biggest pimp in town.
Wherever he go, the
b*tches do lay down.
"Oh, Biggie-Brown."
And it is not at all
exhausting to hang with you.
Aah, giant wet willy!
Chet Butler, my previously
established rival.
I'd know your
willy anywhere.
Hey, Cleveland.
Shame to come all this
way just to see your team
get its butt handed to them.
Not this year, Chet.
It's your butt
that will have my hand in it.
And going into halftime,
it's Goochland 58,
Stoolbend zero.
No worries, no worries.
We got this.
♪ ♪
200 years ago, God looked down
at the beauty of Virginia
and shed a tear of joy.
And that tear watered the lush
plains that became Goochland.
But nearby...
God threw a Gatorade bottle
full of chew spit from his car
and he called the resulting
foul-smelling cesspool
Stoolbend.
What else is on?
Put on Army Wives.
Yes, Stoolbend,
located on the banks
of a polluted river
of garbage and raw sewage.
So it was no surprise
when, in 1841,
Goochland was chosen
over Stoolbend
to host President
William Henry Harrison
and his wooden wife, Eunice.
Harrison was so moved
by the glory of Goochland
that he bequeathed
his lumber lover to us.
And now, please stand and
salute our prized possession
Eunice Henry Harrison.
♪ Let's knock on wood, baby. ♪
What the hell
is wrong with this town?
She's not that hot.
Uh-oh, watch out, Eunice.
It's the pride of Stoolbend...
rats!
How dare they mock our rats.
A lot of them... are some
of the best little guys I know.
Well, we may have
lost 77-nothing,
but I peed on every roll of
toilet paper in that bathroom.
Ah, the breeze feels good
on my drunk, hot face.
Yo, I think I went too far.
Oh, no!
My face is cooler,
but at what cost?
My car!
Oh, Chet,
I'm so sorry.
The black president from
24 is my insurance man.
He's honorable.
Just call him.
Screw the insurance.
I'm gonna take
my payment another way.
Paypal?
You're gonna pay, pal!
Uh-oh. Run!
I'm just gonna
put in my earbuds.
I like to run to music.
♪ Gonna be your man in motion ♪
♪ All I need
is a pair of wheels ♪
♪ Take me where
my future's lying ♪
♪ St. Elmo's Fire. ♪
Listen up, fellas,
Donna's waiting for me
in a slutty outfit
at a cheap motel.
Which one?
But we're in "emminy territory."
Now we'll never make it out
of Goochland dressed like this.
Everyone, clothes off.
This is only going
to attract more attention.
We need costumes.
Let's go.
Okay, almost there.
The bus station's only
15 Kendras away.
Head-to-toe
or elbow-to-elbow?
Oddly, it is the same.
She is a perfect circle.
Big gal.
Okay, everybody,
be cool.
Oh, my God, Lil Wayne!
Hey, yo, Weezy.
Federline Jones
from Stoolbend.
I sent you my demo.
Federline, even I know
that's not Lil Wayne,
and I don't know
who Lil Wayne is.
This my dog, Cleveland
Brown from Stoolbend.
Lester Krinklesac,
also from Stoolbend.
And Tim the Bear...
oh, you know what?
My whole posse
from Stoolbend.
Did somebody say
"Stoolbend" four times?
Get 'em!
Smurf my.
Let's get the
out of smurf, buttsmurfers.
Am I doing it right?
Aah!
No, that's the last bus!
Ever?
In the world?
No. Shut up, Federline.
Quick, through these vines.
Are these wine grapes?
Oh, this is a vineyard.
Wow, Goochland really is nice.
Where the hell
is Cleveland?
Lady hot.
Drink.
Why, thank you.
Even the guy dressed as an
Armenian woman thinks I'm hot.
How about you, Officer?
You looking
for some action, too?
Maybe I am.
Trick or treat?
I'm the sweetest treat
on the street.
Guess that makes you
the trick.
If you're willing to pay.
You're under arrest
for prostitution.
Really?
Oh, man, they're going to be
pulling these out
the field all day.
Now, make sure the
security camera sees us
so my mom and your
dad get in trouble.
Okay.
Come on, let's go k*ll a horse
in the principal's office.
This is Principal Wally Farquhar
from the security camera room.
Remove those toothpicks.
The field
is not an hors d'oeuvre.
So, Donna and Cleveland, Senior,
I'm coming after you!
Uh-oh, the door's locked.
Are there any locksmiths
within earshot?
Well, I guess I'll just count
toothpicks to pass the time.
One-a-rooney, two-a-rooney,
three-a-reeney, four.
Oh, man, them punks is lucky we
got scared and took off running.
If we'd stayed, I would've
hit 'em with a blap and a blap
and a flip-flip-patty-whap-
rat-a-tat-tat.
I'm the Cat in the Hat.
Enough!
You're not a gangster.
You're a sheltered kid
from the suburbs.
You've never done anything
badass in your life.
Whitchy, whitchy,
whitchy, what?
You blappin' me.
"Blapping?"
That's not even a word.
You're an idiot.
You were our designated driver
and that's it.
Wow, this hurts.
Holt?
Lester?
Even you, T.T. Bear?
A'ight, then. I'm out!
Let him go.
No one's trying to stop him.
Guys, let's hop the train home!
Okay. Okay.
Here we go.
No.
No. No.
Now!
Ew! Ow! Ew! Ow!
Tim, stop eating the diapers.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Again, I have
cut myself pretty badly.
Little help?
Feeling weak.
Maybe I'll just take a nap.
Aah!
This is all a mistake.
It's just a costume.
So is mine.
Yeah, I'm Whitney Cummings.
I don't belong here!
Sure you don't, sister.
I can't believe someone her
age is still in the game.
Hey, she's somebody's
grandmother.
Back home.
Yep, safe at last.
Now off to the beautiful motel
to meet my cheap wife.
I mean, to the cheap motel
to meet my cheap wife.
Yo, special delivery from Fed X!
Who's a gangsta now?
Federline, what are you talking
ab... bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!
That's right.
Still think I'm not a badass?
I done stole they Wood-ass Wife!
Ooh-ooh!
Oh, my God.
Did anyone see you?
No way!
I'm Stealth like Jamie Foxx.
Remember that terrible movie?
Nobody saw it, nobody saw me!
Let's pray they go for
the women and children first.
Dear Tim Tebow.
Please have them k*ll
the women and children first.
Amen on three.
- One, two, three...
- Amen!
Well, they're
ransacking the town.
And they're looting our stores.
Nope, nope, they're realizing
it's all crap
and putting it back
on the shelves.
This is all
Federline's fault!
Yeah! That's right!
Yeah!
Look, maybe they'll
leave us alone
if we give them back
their Wooden Wife.
And maybe one of ours's.
Take mine!
Ha, ha, marriage.
As funny as that is,
why would you give back
something that is
rightfully ours?
Quick, barkeep,
what knowest thou?
The Wooden Wife
belongs to Stoolbend.
Goochland borrowed it
from us for the
ought-three World's Fair
and never returned it.
Gus, how did you know this?
I am 117 years old.
Wow.
Stoolbend...
come out and play...
There's only one thing to do.
Give the Wooden Wife back
and grovel for our lives.
Yeah, beg for mercy!
Get the hell
out of town!
Intern the Japanese!
Yo, no way!
This our birch bitch,
and we ain't givin' her up
without a tussle, yo!
If we do, we just
the punks they say we is.
Don't listen
to the ass-brain.
He'll get us all
k*lled to death.
No!
The ass-brain is right.
Listen up, people of Stoolbend.
We've got to stand up
to Goochland.
Sure, they may have better
restaurants and better schools
and better infrastructure
and better people,
but we have nothing.
I say to you,
fellow Stoolbendipudlians,
I hope we all die today!
Die... for...
nothing!
Cleveland's right!
I'd like that
on Facebook.
Intern the Japanese!
We might be at a disadvantage,
but you know what you get
when you rearrange
the letters in "disadvantage?"
You get "Advantage, Sid."
Well, today we are Sid,
and we've got the advantage!
What?
Stoolbend's a mess.
And we're going to make
the most of the fact
that it's rotting away
beneath our feet.
Who's with me?
I am!
He got it.
Put a cone over that
hole and let's go!
Cone.
After our night
of mischief,
my dad and your mom
are gonna find themselves
in a whole heap of...
Oh, my God.
Junior, what did you do?
What?
Hey, it was your idea.
You're a filthy liar!
Now we look and sound
like our parents.
What do we want?
To k*ll the black guy,
but not because he's black!
Chet Butler!
Cleveland!
Return Goochland's Wooden Wife
and we might let you live.
You want her, come get her.
Very well, then.
Goochland, att*ck!
What the...?
Rolling blackouts!
This happens
all the time in Stoolbend.
We're so used to
the darkness,
we've developed mole eyes.
They're going to eat them.
I've been given
a second chance.
I'm going to DeVry
to get my advanced degree.
In whoring.
Ooh, we just
rolled into a rumble.
Goochlanders?
Ooh, we got a jumper.
I'ma leave it.
Is that what I look like?
Yo, thanks for standing up
for me back at the bar
when everybody
called me a ass-brain.
You earned it, ass-brain.
You showed bravery today.
And you have pride
in your town.
Just like every
dumb hockey fan.
Federline?
Blap.
Big preesh, C-Beezy.
There he is!
On the other side
of the river!
How'd I get over there?
Wait, that's Junior!
Hey, Chet!
What? Two Clevelands?
Remember our polluted waterways?
Well, welcome to the
Bridge on the River... Die!
How did you find my throat?
Nice try, Cleveland,
but you missed me.
I wasn't trying to get you.
I was trying to wake it up.
We have no idea
what that is.
No! No!
You okay, Junior?
Yeah.
But how am I
gonna get across?
I'm gonna show you.
Rat bridge!
Hey there, baby.
Give you 100 bucks to get
freaky at the Travelodge.
Sounds good to me,
handsome... Cleveland!
Donna!
Role-playing.
Yep, role-playing.
By the time I'm done with you,
you're gonna be a canoe.
Hi. I d*ed.
Ha, ha, just kidding.
I'll see y'all next week.