02x11 - Evil Weevil/McPhearson Phantom

[bunniefuu]

We interrupt this program to bring you
Courage the Cowardly Dog Show.

Starring Courage the Cowardly Dog.

[SHADOW GROWLS
THEN COURAGE SCREAMS]

Abandoned as a pup...

...he was found by Muriel,
who lives in the middle of Nowhere...

...with her husband, Eustace Bagge.

[GRUNTS]

ANNOUNCER'.
But creepy stuff happens in Nowhere.

It's up to Courage to save his new home.

[SCREAMING]

Stupid dog! You made me look bad.

[EUSTACE YELLING
THEN COURAGE SCREAMING]

MURIEL: Oh!
COURAGE: Ahh!

I think you hit something, or someone.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Oh. "W"

WEEVIL:
Hello.

Are we okay?

But for the fractured thorax,
the ruptured rostrum...

...and the treaded forewing...

...not to mention a nasty swelling
in most of my ankles, I'm fine.

We'd better take you home
and make sure you're okay.

We live just up the road.

Muriel. Muriel. Get your food-making mitts
back into this truck and let's go home.

I was just going to make dinner.
Why don't you join us?

I don't want to impose,
although I am feeling a tad peaked.

I'm a weevil, actually.

A Jeeves weevil.

I've never heard of a Jeeves weevil.

Commonly known as the butler bug, madam.

We live to serve.

[GROWLS]

Allow me.

Oh, gracious me. Thanks.

I'm not used ta such treatment.

My dear lady, you should be primped,
plumped and pampered daily.

Oh! Oh, my. Heh-heh.

Awn, blah, blah.
Whoever's serving pie, serve pie.

A hard-working man such as yourself
deserves the biggest piece of the pie.

Awn, blah, bla-- Eh?

Yeah, that's right.
Bug's gut a good head an his--

Whatever he's gut there under his head.

[COURAGE WHIMPERS]

Mr. Weevil, would you like some watermelon
with your pie?

Watermelon? Thank you. Yes.

[SUCKING NOISES]

Oh, goodness me.

I must have been hungrier than I thought.

[HUMMING]

You're good. Aw!

Oh, yeah. Mammy.

[SUCKING NOISES]

[WHIMPERING]

EUSTACE:
I haven't felt this relaxed in years.

A hard-working gentleman
such as yourself...

...needn't suffer the slings and arrows
of aches and pains.

You're all right, but...

[YAWN s]

...I could use a nap.

[YAWN s]

Yeah. Och.

Relaxed.

[EUSTACE GRUMBLES]

[EUSTACE MUTTERING]

[TEETH CHATTERING]

EUSTACE:
Stupid dog.

WEEVIL:
I'll take in his trousers.

Ida say, I'm quite nimble with the thimble.

I studied at the Tailoring Academy
at Stitch-an-Thyme.

[LAUGHING]

[WHIMPERS]

[EUSTACE SNORING]

My lady, I've drawn you a bath.

I t*nk the liberty of adding aromatherapy ails
and mineral salts...

...fresh from Madagascar and the Nile Valley.

It's like going to a spa.

Whatever can we data repay you
for such a wonderful treatment...

...especially after we hit you with our truck?

Your happiness is all the thanks I need.

Well, at least spend the night.

I don't want to impose...

...although I am feeling a mite weary.

[TEETH CHATTERING]

[TAPPING NOISES]

[COURAGE WHIMPERS]

[COURAGE WHIMPERING]

Courage, that lovely bath gut me very sleepy.
Let's talk in the morning.

Oh, no.

[COURAGE WHIMPERS]

[SUCKING NOISES]

[HUMMING]

EUSTACE:
Hey, what's to eat?

[COURAGE SCREAMS]

[COURAGE GIBBERING]

[SUCKING NOISES]

Eustace, you don't look so well.

Maybe you should go outside
for some fresh air.

[GASPS]

[WIND BLOWING]

[COURAGE WHIMPERS]

[GIBBERING]

[SUCKING NOISES]

[SCREAMS]

Now, Courage, no need to worry.
You'll have your turn.

I'm sorry, my lady, but I don't do dog.

Phew.

[KEYS BEEPING,
LINE RINGS OVER PHONE]

[SQUEAKY VOICE OVER PHONE]

[COURAGE GIBBERING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

You call an exterminator?

[COURAGE GIBBERING,
IMITATING WEEVIL NOISES]

[COURAGE GROANS]

[ENGINE STARTS, TIRES SCREECH]

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

That's the way, sugar.

Lave the camera. It loves you.

Give me the pout.

Look, Courage, I'm a supermodel.

COURAGE'.
Mm-mm.

COURAGE:
Och.

[COU RAG E G ROWLS,
CAM ERA CRASH ES]

COURAGE:
Oh!

New, Courage, that's not very civilized.

Quite right.

If you have an issue with my behavior...

...may I suggest we settle this like gentlemen?

Mm-hm.

Okay. In this competition, we'll find out
who can ingest the mast awful fond.

But I warn you, I'm an expert
at eating foul stuff, you know.

Studied at the Bad Taste Academy
at Mold-on-Crumpet.

Okay, then, let's start with bailed broccoli,
shall we?

[SUCKING NOISES]

[WHIMPERS]

Oh!

Phew.

New old, rancid, bailed broccoli.

Old, rancid, boiled broccoli
that I've had between my toes for a week.

Oh!

[STOMACH GRUMBLING]

[COURAGE WRETCHING]

[WEEVIL LAUGHING]

Goad spurt, old dog.

But we all can't be winners.

Looks as if I'm staying.

And I do feel that I have roam...

...far a little dessert.

[GROANING]

[SCREAMING]

[COURAGE GROANING]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Stupid dog.

COURAGE:
Oh!

Yes!

Mmm-mmm.

I had no idea haw thin I'd gotten.

I couldn't eat another bite.

Thanks for nursing me back
to me old self again.

And you had such a good idea,
using Eustace as soil.

I just hope he grows back to his old self.

I'm hungry. Where's that pie-serving weevil?

Hung?!-

Arms in, shoulders back,
bend aver backwards.

Aw. The power of doing housework.

Eustace.

Uh... Sorry. You had the pile upside dawn.

[MURIEL SIGHS]

Arms in, shoulders back,
bend aver backwards.

Arms in...

[EUSTACE GROANING]

"Shoulders back,
bend aver backwards.

[BONES SNAP]

[EUSTACE COLLAPSES,
COURAGE GASPS]

Muriel, you folded me clothes tan tight.

What are you trying to data me?

I didn't do anything different.
Just the usual wash and fluff and fold.

Must be the new detergent I'm using.

[EUSTACE GROANING]

[EUSTACE MUTTERING]

Beautiful.

A good shine can make an old woman
look young again.

[ROCKING CHAIR SQU EAKS]

Ain't nothing gonna
make you look young again...

...so just give me my shoes.

Here you are, crabby.

Eh. Who needs them polished anyway?
Just gonna get scuffed.

Stupid as showering.

[GROWLING]

EUSTACE:
Muriel, what are you trying to data me?

Next time you wanna blow up my shoes,
take them out back.

But I shined them just like always.

Maybe they changed
the shoe-polish formula.

There it is for you, Eustace.

I steamed it and blocked it, like always.

Thanks.

[JACKHAMMER NOISES]

[EUSTACE SCREAMING]

Must be something new
they're putting in the steam.

I ain't eating your fond.

What are you saying, Eustace?

I'm saying that after I've been folded,
blown up and eaten by chickens...

...I gotta think you got something
against me.

I'd never do anything bad to you, Eustace.

What do you call this?

[GASPS]

Can't feel safe in your awn home anymore.

You don't think I'm doing anything mean
to Eustace, do you, Courage?

Mm-mm.

I don't know, Ma.
I think she's angry at me or something.

I don't know why. I am the perfect husband.

Oh!

Gotta go now.

Eustace, are you okay?

Nope. You probably loosened the chandelier
when you were dusting it...

...so it would fall on me head.

Don't be daft.
We don't even awn a chandelier.

You must've hung it up
while I was talking an the phone.

Well, I never.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Ma.
- I gut me a mail-order degree...

...in psychology therapy.

And I'm gonna help you
and what's-her-name...

...work out your problems, you stupid boy.

[CHUCKLES]

Time for therapy.

Let's get this marriage off the racks
and out to sea.

- Haw much is three plus seven?
- Huh?

- Why is the sky blue?
- Excuse me?

Your marriage is dead as dust.

Make sure you keep the house,
because I gotta move out of that trailer.

You shouldn't came into my home
and upset things like this.

[YELLING]

That's it. I'm gonna go sit in my truck
where it's safe.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

There's something very strange
going on around here.

Whatever you're up to, it ain't gonna work,
unless you cut me in for half.

MURIEL:
Came an, Courage.

We've gut better things ta do
than listen ta such nonsense.

Something very, very strange
going on around here.

[PHANTOM CACKLING]

Same therapist she is.

If only we had someone here
who could really help.

COURAGE:
Mm.

COMPUTER:
You want to be a licensed therapist?

A twit like you?

Okay, don't get testy.

I happen to be certified to certify.

Just answer these questions
and you'll have your license.

Mm-hm.

One: How do you spell,
?Our time is up, pay me lots of money??

There's no Q in Cincinnati. Twerp.

Next question.

If Johnny has three apples
and Davey has two apples...

...why don't they just shut up and eat?

[RATTLING NOISES]

[PHANTOM MAKES SPOOKY NOISES]

[MA SCREAMS]

Don't be shouting in me ear.
We're after the same thing.

[MAKES SUCKING NOISES]

Yeah? Se, what's your game, flimsy?

I am the Widow McPhearson
came back from the great beyond...

...ta destroy the marriage of the plump one.

I just came back from the trailer park.

I'm getting revenge...

...because the plump one's great-great-aunt
ruined my marriage...

...by feeding my husband
to the Loch Ness Munster.

That'll bust up a marriage pretty good.

That it'll do. And that's why I've came...

...ta make the farmer think
that his wife is trying ta do him in.

Me tan.

Yeah. Fun, isn't it?

COMPUTER: Congratulations.
You are now a fully licensed therapist.

Word of advice.
Just keep nodding and don't say anything.

And so Western civilization crumbles.

[COURAGE GROANING]

Mmm.

- Why...?
- Oh, my.

[GIBBERING]

MURIEL:
I see a beautiful butterfly...

...who only wants
to make her husband happy.

I see a woman hitting a guy an the head
with a frying pan.

Then I'll put steel weal in his underwear.

How do you feel about a big hungry snake
coming out of his toothpaste tube?

You, I like.

[SMACKING NOISES]

How could you think
I would ever try to hurt you?

COURAGE:
Mm-hm.

Okay, so we gut the lobsters,
the steel weal, the snake.

We need anything else?

I can conjure tiny, fingernail-eating termites.

Let's put them in his snap.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Stupid bay.
- Stupid bay.

I guess it all started with me mam.

She never liked me.

COURAGE:
Mm-hm.

Great. His fingers explode.

Then he'll have to kick her out.

Okay, Muriel, I'll give you another chance.

I'm so glad.

Wait. I sense a disturbance in the farce.

Thank you, Dr. Courage.

You're a brilliant therapist, you are.

'Fay!

COMPUTER:
Pathetic.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

Eustace, you stupid bay.

I'm the only therapist operating here.

Kick her out. She's no good for you.

- You don't know what you're saying.
- Yeah? I suppose you like the lobsters...

-...she stuck in your pants.
- What?

Ooh!

[CLAWS SNAPPING,
EUSTACE SCREAMING]

It ain't me, Eustace. I'm not doing this.

[LAUGHING]

[SNAPPING, SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Courage, you stupid dog.

Get away from there.

[COURAGE WHIMPERS]

MA:
Get the dog.

I see a bitter old woman with a bad wig
who's in a lat of pain.

It all started out years ago
with my mother's mother's Auntie Grizelda.

She was a cruel woman,
made us all miserable.

She once even threw some guy
into the Loch Ness.

The monster ate him.

[LAUGHS]

Stupid bay.

[COURAGE, EUSTACE
AND MURIEL SCREAM]

It was your great-great-aunt,
not the chubby one's?

That's right. New, leave me alone.

I'm getting therapy, you stupid ghost.

[MAKING SPOOKY NOISES]

Uh-oh.

Sorry, our time is up. Here's my bill.

I feel so inadequate.

[CACKLES]

EUSTACE:
The tea's tan hat.

What are you trying to do,
burn me lips off me face?

And my shoes, they're smudged.

Can't you polish them right? Oh!

Goad to have everything back to normal,
isn't it?

[PHANTOM CACKLING]

EUSTACE:
Stupid dog.