[SINGING]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES]
Lester, I like your stupid Kid Rock hat.
My boy Ernie bought it for me.
He's been pulling double shifts at the slaughterhouse.
Ernie has a job? Man, I sure wish Cleveland Jr.
Showed initiative like that.
He just sits around the house like a fat.
- Like a fat what?
- I don't know.
Just a fat.
If I wanted to talk about kids, I would have become a pediatrician.
Or a pedophile like my Uncle Wendell.
He was a bad man.
No point in talking about it now.
He also molested Jerry O'Connell.
So, you know, little bit of a connection there.
That'll be 12.
50.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I'll put it on your "tab.
" Great, we'll "pay you" at the end of "the month.
" Good, I need it to pay "my rent.
" [ALL LAUGHING]
Oh, Gus, what a crazy bar owner you are.
To The Stool.
- The Stool.
- Green Day.
Hi, hi, hi.
Hey, Dad, Ernie just got a new bike.
Can I get one too? It's the electric kind.
So it does all the pedaling for you.
It's like the player piano of bikes.
[HUMMING SCOTT JOPLIN'S "MAPLE LEAF RAG"]
CLEVELAND: Hmm.
Is he stupid or smart? I can't figure it out.
Maybe if you got a job like Ernie, you could buy that bike for yourself.
I work for everything I have.
Look around, I bought everything in here.
Excuse me? You most certainly did not.
How about the cutlery?
- Nope.
- I use it.
Oh, I definitely bought that wrought
-iron Golden Gate Bridge that's hanging in the hallway.
- Cleveland, my uncle made that.
Uncle Leonard did? Damn, he ain't bad.
He couldn't do an Eiffel Tower, could he?
- Probably.
- Let's call him.
Leonard, hey, it's Cleveland Brown.
Ha, it has been a long time.
Listen, are you still making wrought
-iron representations of world
-famous landmarks? Yeah? You think you could make a wrought
-iron Eiffel Tower like the one they got in Paris, France?
- How tall we want the tower?
- I don't want it.
Mm.
No, we're getting it.
Yeah, maybe not too tall because we don't want it to break up the flow of the room.
I guess we don't want it too short either, because it is the Eiffel Tower after all.
How much is this gonna cost anyway? Seven hundred dollars? Hmm.
I'm gonna pray on this and I'm gonna call you back.
Seven hundred dollars.
The point is, Cleveland Jr.
, you need a job and I'm gonna help you find one.
I'll do anything but government work.
Well, you're too skinny for that anyway.
[LAUGHING]
CLEVELAND: If Lester's boy can get a job here, so can you.
It would be so cool to work with Ernie.
[COWS MOOING]
Cow got out.
No, fellas, that's not a cow! Aah! No! Help! Moo! Moo!
- Stop mooing, you fool.
- I moo when I get scared.
[MEN SHOUTING]
So you wanna be a paperboy.
No better job for a boy your age.
When I was your age, guess what I was?
- A paperboy?
- Smart kid.
Chief, I just read online the newspaper business is officially dead.
There's your headline.
Well, I guess I'm out of a job.
- Are you hiring?
- Hiring for what? Oh, come on.
If you're not hiring, then why am I even here when I could be at Kinko's updating my résumé? Moo.
Ugh, I need a drink.
Getting you a job has been more annoying than going to the bathroom in a Chinese restaurant.
[SCREAMING]
Heads up, buddy.
There's no paper towels in there.
Thank you.
Things out of place.
Things out of place.
Here you go, sir.
These were cluttering the tables and my mind.
Thank you, young man.
How's about as a reward we do some coloring? Can you believe that something so fun can be made of paraffin wax? Aren't crayons remarkable? Whiskey on the rocks.
That'll be $3 American.
You should pour smaller drinks so you can get more out of every bottle and make more money.
So you're saying by putting less alcohol in each drink, I could make more money?
- Does every bar know about this?
- I don't know.
Huh.
This crayon says "peach" but it doesn't taste like a peach.
You're right.
It should say "wax.
" All right, let's go home.
- Your son's a sharp little fellow, Cleveland.
- Really? CLEVELAND: Hmm.
Gus thinks he's smart.
But is Gus smart? He just saved me a lot of money.
How would you like to come work for me here at The Stool? Well, all right.
Look at you, a working man, thanks to me.
Now, Junior, if you take this job, you might see your father do some strange things like swear a lot or vomit on stuff or dance with some ladies that aren't your step
-mom and maybe aren't even ladies.
Might dress up like a lady himself to win the confidence of an out
-of
-town businessman and then swindle him out of his inheritance.
All of this needs to stay a secret.
- Is that something you can handle?
- I suppose so.
Great, he can start tomorrow.
Drinks are on the house, everyone.
I've just inherited a large sum of money.
Go wait in the car, Junior.
What's your problem, sourpuss? You haven't sent a text all breakfast.
Lacey Stapleton was at the mall yesterday.
That bourgie private
-school ho from around the way? Mm
-hm.
She got a new puppy.
Ooh, I hate her.
Who's Lacey? Put it this way, we're the Paris and Nicole of Stoolbend.
- Who?
- You know, like Kim and Sheree?
- Come again?
- Kristin and Heidi? Hello?
- Oh, from Aesop's Fables.
- No, you idiot.
They're on The Hills.
- The foothills of Appalachia?
- It's a show on MTV.
The channel with the Phil Collins videos? Ooh, your country ass don't know anything.
I need to get out of this Podunk cow town.
Cow town? We got a Best Buy.
They don't put those just anywhere.
"Cow town.
" Like a cow walks into a store and says, "Moo, I need a stereo.
" Mom, I'm never gonna amount to anything unless I get a puppy too.
Now, Roberta, you don't need to copy what Lacey does.
That's childish.
What you need to do is one
-up her sorry ass.
- Put that bitch to shame.
- Go on.
When I was in high school, there was this girl, Courtney Bev.
She got a nice pair of shoes, I got a nicer pair of shoes.
She got a fancy coat, so I got a fancier coat.
She got a fancy car, so you know what I did?
- You got a fancier car?
- No, couldn't afford that.
So I spread a rumor she had an abortion and her parents sent her to live with her aunt.
Take that, take that, take that.
There's one thing you need to know about Tubbs women.
We take all kinds of sh*t from men, but never from another woman.
Hey, one of you ho's go down to 7
-Eleven and get me a Diet Dr Pepper.
Right away, sir.
Boy, getting wasted with my buds while my son cleans up.
You know, that quirky Holocaust movie was right.
- Life is beautiful.
- Daddy, this is gonna sound crazy but Gus wasn't even keeping track of your tab.
And without a tab, there's no way to know how much you owe.
But now there is, thanks to your boy, which is thanks to you, Cleveland.
"Yeah, thanks, Cleveland," he said sarcastically.
What are you gonna do about it? The only thing I can do.
I'm going back to the island.
Sorry, Mr.
Bear, but that's our only pair of house pants.
And with our new dress code, all customers are required to wear pants.
We're trying to draw a more upscale crowd.
They're a little tight.
Heh.
When I go home, it's gonna take me a few minutes just to peel my slab off my bag.
- How come the football game isn't on?
- This is football, in Europe.
We'll get more customers if we appeal to an international clientele.
Still 0
-0.
[ALL CHEER]
- Uh, son?
- One sec, Dad.
Rebecca, I need you to break down that four top into two twos and then marry the ketchups.
Alberto, where's my heirloom
-tomato salad? [SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
- Yeah, Dad?
- Son, I need to talk to you.
I need to talk to you too.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
We need to free up that table for paying customers.
What? I'm not going anywhere.
Then our bouncer will show you out.
d*ck Clark.
Happy New Year.
Look, she's Lady Gaga with less fleas.
Nice backpack, lesbo.
Yeah? Well, meet what's inside the backpack, trick.
My adoptive Malawian son, Dikembe, from the village of Mutombo.
Let me at the white women.
Wow, you adopted an African baby.
That's right.
Just like that old British tr*nsv*stite.
- Madonna?
- Yup, that's his name.
Big deal.
This kid probably has AIDS.
[ALL GASP]
I don't.
[ALL CHEERING]
This place is dead, no tunes, and the chicks are all the wrong kind of Asians.
Yeah, and I think that man over there is, uh, really into the microfiche.
[GIGGLING]
Mm.
We need to get The Stool back to the way it was.
I'm sorry, could you guys keep it down? I'm trying to reek.
Well, The Stool's never gonna be the same as long as Cleveland Jr.
Is working there.
You're right.
I got us into this, you'll get us out.
Ha
-ha
-ha! Just kidding.
My show, I'll do it.
GIRL: Dikembe, look over here.
Hi, Roberta.
I'm Lacey's mother, and you must be the African boy.
Hello, African boy.
I chair an organization called: Caucasian Heroes Offering Dollars Everywhere.
- CHODE?
- Oh, smart one.
I'd like you both to be honored guests at my fundraiser tomorrow and tell your story.
- In front of people?
- Yeah.
Lots of people.
See you tomorrow.
Could you pull my car around, please?
- I'm not a valet.
- That's not what I asked.
I'm afraid I have some bad news, Junior.
You may wanna sit down.
You know, I don't think sitting was quite right.
How about if you crouch like a baseball catcher? Uh, I was thinking a little less Gary Carter and a little more Tony Pena.
Wrong leg but close enough.
Now, I received an anonymous call.
The man threatened to tell the police that I have a 14
-year
-old working at my bar if I didn't fire you.
- Really?
- Yup.
And then he asked me if I thought that $700 was too much to pay for a wrought
-iron Eiffel Tower.
Then I said, "Your voice sounds familiar.
Who is this?" He said, "This is Cleveland Brown.
Oops.
" And I said, "Well, Mr.
Oops, I don't know why this is any of your business but I don't want any trouble around here so I'll let him go.
"
- I'm sorry, Cleveland Jr.
- I understand.
You're not gonna cry, are you? No, I'm not.
For the first time in my life, I'm not gonna cry.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna get even with that candy
-ass son of a m*therf*cking bitch.
Hey, baby.
How was The Stool? It was awesome.
It's back to the way it used to be, all gross and free.
And no more of that bogus bogusness that this one did to the place.
Hey, Junior, why weren't you there tonight?
- You're not working there anymore?
- No, I was fired.
Oh, you know why? Because you were awful, and it was a bad job you did.
You suck.
I'm proud of you, son.
You did a good job.
You did a bad job.
Water, water, water.
Water, water.
No more water.
Ah.
[MUMBLING]
[LAUGHING]
[JAMES BROWN'S "THE PAYBACK" PLAYING]
[CLEVELAND SCREAMING]
Sweet eggs and chicken legs.
What happened to your moustache? [IN HIGH
-PITCHED VOICE]
I don't know.
It's just gone.
It's gone.
And what's wrong with your voice? My moustache must have provided a natural filter.
You've got too much face without your moustache.
I know.
That's why I wear it.
You sound and look like a man I don't wanna be with.
Oh, rats! Sudden weight gain, balance problems, and your body has rejected the moustache.
- I'm afraid you have DMA.
- DMA?
- Depilatory Moustachial Alopecia.
- Heavens.
Listen, lots of DMA
-positive men go on to live very full lives.
- What's on your lip?
- Uh, eyeliner.
Come on, Cleveland.
You're better than that.
- Stop it.
Stop it.
- There you go.
I'll write you a prescription, but until then, here's a prosthesis.
You want the Fred Goldman or the John Waters? Mm, I guess the Fred Goldman.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, that's better.
- Nice.
Very natural.
You're gonna have to pay in cash.
Our insurance machine is broken.
All right, everyone.
Okay? CHODE is just tickled pink to have this inspiring young lady with us.
So please put your wealthy hands together for Roberta Tubbs.
WOMAN 1: Yeah.
WOMAN 2: Welcome, Roberta.
Thank you all for coming.
So, uh, what's up? Miss Tubbs, what measures have you taken to preserve your son's tribal identity? Uh.
He sleeps in the dirt? I've never heard of the village of Mutombo.
The village of Mahoozitz? WOMAN: This is fishy.
Okay, look.
The thing is, ahem, I I I [RALLO MIMICKING AFRICAN CHANTING]
My name is Dikembe.
I journey many mile to be here.
With the help of a farting wart hog and a wise
-cracking meerkat I escape my w*r
-torn village to a hotel in Rwanda.
So I say unto you as my forefathers said unto me: Mama
-se, mama
-sa, mama
-ku
-sa Coming to America.
Out of Africa.
Goodnight.
[APPLAUSE]
I can't believe I've got Depilatory Moustachial Alopecia.
Why don't you shut up or get the hell out of my country? Hey, fellas.
Brought you another round from your secret stash.
- Those is some loose
-ass caps.
- I don't know, Gus.
Normally, after a few of these, I can tolerate these sons of b*tches.
But for some reason, right now, I just wanna punch them in the head.
Do it then.
Punch me in the head
- My head.
- Stay out of this, Dinklage.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
- What the hell was that for?
- This is what's happening.
Deal with it.
[ALL YELLING]
Bravo, gentlemen.
- Junior? What are you doing here?
- Dad, I did all of this.
The moustache, the T
-shirts, everything.
I've been teaching you a lesson.
- What?
- And guess what.
You're all sober.
- Wha?
- That's right.
I replaced your beer with that non
-alcoholic crap George W.
Bush pretended to drink.
But? But why? I wanted to get you back for getting me fired.
Wait, you did this all by yourself? Well, I did have a little help.
- Dr.
Fist?
- That's right.
I was in on the scheme the whole time.
I was acting, Cleveland.
I studied drama at Northwestern before I went into medicine.
How was the performance? Was I believable? You were very good, very natural.
But you are my doctor.
Right, but I was acting like a different doctor.
- Of the same name?
- Exactly.
I'm proud of you, son.
CLEVELAND: Maybe he is smart.
It was stupid of him to tell me though.
[LAUGHING]
I'm glad you're all made up and everything, but can someone get me to a hospital? Well, as a doctor, I prescribe a round of sh*ts.
Nobody's afraid of sh*ts around here, are they? [ALL LAUGHING]
[IN HIGH
-PITCHED VOICE]
Oh, gosh darn it.