[CLEVELAND READING ON
-SCREEN TEXT]
[SINGING]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is the Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES]
Hey, Mama.
Look at this trick I learned by watching Criss Angel.
- Wow.
- Mama, make me another breakfast.
Rallo, I'm busy cleaning the pots and pans Cleveland left when he came home drunk and made pork and beans.
[YAWNS]
[SNIFFS THEN GAGS]
- [BELCHES]
What?
- You have been a total slob lately, that's [BELCHES]
what.
That's the whole point of getting married.
You can let yourself go completely.
Well, the husband anyway.
It's only been three months.
I thought you'd wait at least a year before you started stinking up the joint like Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I have an Oscar.
It sounds like it might be time for a little, uh, second honeymoon.
Where did you two go the first time? I never got around to booking it.
- No honeymoon?
- Have you ice in your veins? I knew he didn't.
What? We've been here literally every night since his wedding.
The truth is I don't even know where to take Donna.
Lester, where's your favorite place for romance? Okay, Lester.
Thank you for sharing.
Hey, you want a sexy trip, do what Arianna and I did.
Hit up the Holy Land, Israel.
That is, if it, uh, still exists at the time I'm saying this.
Hot Brown, I coached you in baseball and now I gotta coach you in love.
The most romantic place on earth is right here in the U.
S.
A.
I'm talking about New York City.
It's where I found love for the first time.
And it left a giant gaping hole in my heart.
McFALL: I had a dream of playing for the Yanks.
Wound up slinging hash at the Carnegie Deli.
I was young, dumb and full of Tums.
And then I met a gal, an actress just starting out.
A burly angel who knew how to put away the corned beef.
Her name was Tyne Daly.
That's right, the Tyne Daly.
It was magical, but I never got the chance to tell her I loved her.
I still dream of her every night.
Always the same thing.
Me, her and Whitey Ford getting it on right in the middle of Tad's Steaks.
Don't let love slip away, Hot Brown.
Hello, Mom? Who's Tyne Daly? Uh, no? Okay, well, then put grandma on.
[YELLING]
Grandma, who is Tyne Daly? You're coming with me.
[SCREAMING]
That is it.
Prepare to honeymoon.
[CHUCKLES]
Cleveland? You scared the Shia LaBeouf out of me.
- What do you mean "honeymoon"?
- Does this answer your query? ["DIXIE" PLAYING ON CAR HORN]
Krinklesac Discount Limousine and Animal Carcass Removal at your disposal, ma'am.
Next stop, New York City.
New York City? We've gotta pack our But the kids.
I have obtained the services of Stoolbend's finest sitter.
Sweet dreams, Mr.
Kimple.
Should I draw a penis on his face? You pretty much have to in this situation.
Oh, Cleveland, this is the most romantic ending to a fake r*pe attempt ever.
McFALL: Pardon my chaw, madam.
Coach McFall? Is coming with us to rekindle his love with Tyne Daly.
Ugh.
Fine, he can ride with us but I don't want this spiraling into further misadventures.
Aah, a bear.
Better let him do whatever he wants.
Hell, why not get the whole freak show together and invite your little hobbit friend too? Hey, that's offensive.
I'm small
-boned, except for one.
Yeah, this chick's laughing.
[SIGHS]
When I get to New York, I'm gonna get discovered.
Yeah, you could do a little commercial work, have a short run off Broadway.
Then you decide to act as your own agent end up negotiating a terrible deal for yourself because you're not smart.
Next thing, you're teaching theater arts at a community college in the middle of nowhere.
Most people will think you're weird but your cats will know better.
Jeez, Rallo, what's wrong with you, man? Don't blame me.
It's the business.
Guys, look what I found in Donna's purse.
A tampon.
Ha
-ha
-ha! I'm just playing, baby.
The mysterious things a woman's body does are very natural.
[SIGHS]
There it is.
New York City.
It's just like I imagined it.
Well, first thing tomorrow, it's off to harpoon Tyne Daly.
You stud.
- Can I help you?
- I'm Roberta Tubbs guest of The Maury Povich Show.
So I'll be staying here for free.
Uh, your name's not on the list.
How do I know you're telling the truth? One of them's my baby daddy.
And if it turns out it ain't me, I'm gonna be all: [LAUGHING]
Here's your room key, $ 75 per diem, affidavit and a six
-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
PBR.
I hope it keeps for 16 years.
I wanna see the most romantic spots in the city.
I marked them all in this guidebook.
Regis Philbin's Erotic New York.
Oh, Donna, I feel like we're in a Woody Allen movie except I've laughed a few times in the last hour.
Hey, Cleveland Oh, sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
- That's all right.
- Oh, wait, there's Cleveland.
Hey, Cleveland! Oh, my bad.
Oh, there he is.
Cleveland.
Damn, there are so many of you people here.
- What do you mean "you people"?
- You know, you're all a bunch of Oh, I miss you too, Arianna.
New York is not so bad.
You can, uh, poop pretty much anywhere.
No one even looks at you.
One guy even gave me a quarter.
Whoa, hold the presses.
Arianna, there's a bar here with a sign that says "bears welcome.
" Yeah, I know.
Oh, well, here we go.
"Bear walks into a bar," right? Okay, I'll talk to you later.
- You the president of MTV?
- Word up, dawgs.
Well, I'm Roberta Tubbs, and I came all the way from Stoolbend, Virginia to pitch you a reality show called Roberta Rules.
I'm a vapid teenager with no talents, no discernable personality and no ambition other than to be famous.
Intrigued.
You? I'm a tough
-talking street kid with a passion for the violin.
Love.
Love.
- How about fatty?
- I'm just a stone
-cold f*cking machine.
We begin sh**ting tomorrow.
- Congratulations, Kelly.
- Roberta.
Not anymore.
Taxi.
[PHONE RINGS]
I love New York.
Hello.
Listen, you gotta get me out of this bear bar before I really get into the, uh, the down and the dirty.
Donna, I have to go to a gay bar with Tim.
No time to explain anything else whatsoever.
This is exactly what I was worried about.
Don't get involved in your friends' shenanigans.
Tim's more than a friend.
I'll meet you at the Empire State Building in one hour.
Driver, take me to New York's gay bar.
- He's not interested.
- Oh? Then maybe he shouldn't come into a gay bar without wearing pants.
Cartoon bears never wear pants.
CLEVELAND [O VER PHONE]
: Donna.
- You'd better be calling to tell me you're standing behind me.
I'm walking out of Tiffany's.
I just bought you a ring.
Oh, no.
Someone just stole it.
But I'm on my way.
Hold up, I'm beeping.
Hello, I'm in New York.
Cleve, Lester.
It seems the good people of Harlem are upset by me using that word you call Rallo all the time.
Help! [SIGHS]
- Donna, hey.
- Cleveland?
- Meet you at the next spot.
- This is my honeymoon.
If you don't start showing me romance, I will take you off my health insurance.
- You wouldn't.
- Oh, I would.
Rallo's uninsured, and I sleep like a baby at night.
MAN: Yeah, we gonna take you down, man.
- Stop.
You know the rule.
If he has one black friend, he's allowed one free pass on the N word.
- Aw, man.
- Yeah, that's true.
That is the rule.
Thanks, Cleveland.
Wait, you're not [PHONE RINGS]
Hmm.
I'm gonna answer my phone.
Hello? C
-Bro, Donald Tr*mp offered me a job.
Step right up.
Poke the freaky little robot man for only $5.
I'll be right there.
No time to call Donna.
I'll just text her.
D, M
-N
-O, M
-N, M
-N, A.
That was an easy one.
Period, exclamation point, question mark.
How do you make a comma on this thing? You know what? I'm not gonna use a comma.
There's no time.
- Thanks again for stabbing Tr*mp, bro.
- No one will care.
Cleveland, I didn't think I'd be seeing you on our honeymoon.
Babe, I could go through a whole flowery speech and you could reluctantly forgive me or we could just admit that you have your price.
In this case, tickets to the hottest show on Broadway, tonight.
It's a play.
They're like movies but gayer and smaller and more expensive, and worse.
Little known fact, we sh*t the Cagney & Lacey pilot as an all
-girl p*rn film.
I told them to take out the crotch sh*ts, and play up the cop angle, boom, eight seasons.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That was the greatest spectacle I have ever seen in my entire life.
Ah.
Tyne ahoy.
No, Mr.
Gooding Jr.
And I are simply dear, dear friends.
[GASPS]
- Charles.
- Tyne.
[CLEARS THRO AT]
Kind of leaves you speechless, huh, Miss Daly? Seeing someone you shared so much with after all these years.
Shared? Forty years ago I hired this man to assemble a Soloflex machine and hang a punching bag in my living room.
Two nights later, I woke up to find him wearing my jock and watching me sleep.
He is not to come within 50 yards of me.
Coach, is that true?
- Rings a bell.
- Rex.
[BARKS]
- Rex Reed.
- Meow.
Get him! REPORTER 1: Miss Daly, Miss Daly.
REPORTER 2: Miss Daly.
I didn't complain when you brought your stupid friends on our honeymoon.
I didn't complain when you stood me up all day long.
And I didn't complain when you took me to a four
-hour one
-woman show set in a steam room.
Well, and I don't wanna upset you here but technically, you complained the entire time.
But go ahead.
That's a very good point, Cleveland.
I should stop complaining and enjoy the rest of my time in New York.
Good girl.
Without you.
Goodbye, Cleveland.
I can't let her go.
Taxi.
Follow that cab.
[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
CLEVELAND: And turn up that awesome music.
So tell me, Mr.
De Niro, why do they call you the "chocolate rainmaker"? What are you doing with my wife, great actor and bad actor Robert De Niro? Hey, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
- You mind if I slip her the capicola?
- You get out of here.
[GASPS]
Donna, I'm sorry about ruining the trip.
Can we please spend the little time we've got left here together? No, spend it with your boyfriends.
Mo'hattan.
It's my fault.
I've been a selfish, love
-struck fool.
I've caused you both pain.
Donna, if you won't accept my apology, I hope you'll accept this.
Oh, for the love of Ugh, an Arby's Big Beef 'n Cheddar Melt? This is the problem.
This is not a gift a woman wants.
And if you want to win over a Tyne Daly we need to get you clothes without pit stains.
- We?
- I'm still mad at you, Cleveland.
I'm only helping McFall because it's obvious from this weekend that you have no idea how to treat a woman.
And there's only so much pathetic I can take.
- Thank you.
- Well, then, I think it's time for a makeover.
WOMEN [IN UNISON]
: Makeover? CLEVELAND: Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, Samantha.
Burn.
[ALL SCREAMING]
- What's up, homeys?
- We're here for our first day of sh**ting.
sh**ting? My reality show, Roberta Rules.
Which we pitched to you yesterday.
Oh, right.
Ha
-ha
-ha.
While you guys were pitching your reality show you were actually being taped for our new prank show.
So You Think You're Pitching a Reality Show But You're Actually Being Taped For a Prank Show.
Ugh, this is so uncool.
But at least I'm still gonna be on TV.
You were, last night.
It already aired.
Literally, no one watched.
What? I mean, why not? Nobody's watching TV.
Nobody.
Nobody.
And I wanna thank Lorne and the cast.
Thanks to my musical guests, Don Henley and Lil Wayne.
Ah! And please tune in to Lifetime tomorrow night for the premiere of my new movie: Tackle My Heart: The d*ck Butkus Story.
Goodnight, everybody.
Boy, I can't believe security is so lax on this show that we could just wander in here like this.
What if one of us was a creepy stalker? Coach, she's lumbering off stage.
Go.
[SCREAMS]
I'm sorry, I'm bad with entrances.
Tyne, I just need a time of your moment A moment of your Tyne.
Agh, damn me for a stink
-kissing monkey.
I'm blowing it.
Jason Sudeikis.
Oh, thank God.
Can you help me get rid of this weirdo? Who, me? No, I don't like fighting.
Get Will Forte to help you.
No way.
I'm not getting involved.
I'm fixing to have a picnic.
A picnic? Ugh, thanks for inviting me.
Who do you think I was fixing it for? [BOTH GIGGLING]
Donna, you're a woman.
You can type, right?
- Eighty
-five words a minute.
- Take down everything I say.
Tyne, I've done you wrong.
"Tyne, I've done you wrong.
" I've been hurtful.
I see that now.
"I've been hurtful.
I see that now.
"
- Go ahead.
- I don't expect you to forgive me.
But no matter how you feel I want you to know, I think you're wonderful.
"And I've thought so for a long, long time all those years we were apart, when all I had was the memory of you.
" The way you smiled.
The way you laughed.
The way you mixed up your ketchup and your tartar sauce when they had fish sticks in the cafeteria.
Which was actually pretty gross, but not when you did it.
- You remember that from high school?
- I remember everything.
"The way you mixed your ketchup and your tartar sauce when you"
- Wait, what?
- No, no, you're right.
I also eat Neapolitan ice cream and mix it with leaves and stir it until it turns brown.
It started as my Emmy
-night cleanse, and after six wins, I couldn't stop.
- How'd you know?
- I know everything about you.
Ask me any question no matter how obscure.
- Which one was I? Cagney or Lacey?
- Lacey.
Huh.
No one gets that right.
I'm sorry.
Have one dinner with me.
That's all I'm asking.
"I'm sorry.
Have one dinner with me.
That's all I'm asking.
" Donna, stop typing.
I'm sorry I ruined our honeymoon.
And I'm asking you to have dinner with me.
Yes, Cleveland.
Yes, Charles.
[BABBLING]
And you speak in tongues? Me too.
As an actress, I'll do anything that sounds stupid.
[GROWLING]
[BOTH BABBLING]
Well, you two look, uh, honeymoon
-y.
Let's just say I've realized you all need Cleveland just like I need him.
And the fact that he's always there for all of us is why I love him.
Everybody loves Cleveland.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Let's go.
Now.
- Where's Tyne?
- I made her angry.
You wouldn't like her when she's angry.
Go, go, go! Aw, f*ck.