[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
WATERMAN [ON TV]
: Waterman Cable Access presents Picking on Raccoons.
I'm Harv Williams and as always, my wife, Shelly.
SHELLY: Hello.
- We got a raccoon over here who looks like he's feeling pretty high and mighty this afternoon.
Let's go pick on him.
[YELLS]
No one likes you, you garbage
-eating bastard.
SHELLY: Harv.
[HISSES]
[HARV & SHELLY SCREAMING]
[HARV MOANS]
I'm Harv.
I hate raccoons.
[GROWLS]
Hmm.
What else is on?
[SINGING]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES]
[BELL RINGS]
All right, all right.
Now, let's shtetl down, class.
It's time to sign up for the school's annual participation show because certain parents felt that the word "talent" set up unreasonable expectations.
Thank you, Gordon.
[KIDS MURMURING]
Now, don't y'all be afraid to sign up just because me and my boys blew everyone off the stage last year.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[CAMERAS WHIRRING]
[CHEERING]
Once again, I am not part of this act.
I had a mild stroke an hour ago.
Why is no one calling 911?
Yo, Rallo.
What we gonna do for our act this year?
Don't worry, guys.
I got a plan.
Our act is gonna be so off the hook you gonna remember it for the rest of your lives.
Or not at all because we're 5.
Y'all won't remember any of this.
I k*lled a guy.
And I never miss Glee.
Ha, ha.
No, they gonna forget that by naptime.
And what's with this Gmail?
I just got used to e
-mail.
Will someone please tell me why we skipped f
-mail?
[ALL LAUGH]
Man, lunchtime with Cleveland is the single funniest hour in America.
Check it.
Ten impressions, 30 seconds.
He's gonna do it.
Put down your drinks.
[AS BORAT]
My name is Borat.
Is nice.
[AS CHRISTOPHER WALKEN]
More cowbell.
[AS BILL COSBY]
Jell
-O pudding, you see.
[AS SEAN CONNERY]
p*ssy Galore.
I must be dreaming.
[AS MR.
T]
I pity the fool.
[GROWLS AS CHEWBACCA]
[AS CHRIS GRIFFIN]
Stewie, come smell my butt.
[AS SCOOBY
-DOO]
Rooby
-Rooby
-Roo! Heh
-heh
-heh.
[AS FAT ALBERT]
Hey, hey, hey, I'm Rosie O'Donnell.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE]
How many was that?
- Nine.
[AS BORAT]
Is nice.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I'm telling you, this should be a show.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Well, I have been described as likable and accessible.
But, you, you're a natural sidekick.
Correct is what you are, sir.
Woo, woo! Did someone pull the cool
-boss alarm?
Go ahead, Terry.
Pull it.
- I'm kidding.
What'd I miss?
- Hey, Mr.
Waterman.
Aren't you looking for a show to replace that raccoon guy?
Put Cleveland on TV.
Aren't you already on one of the CSls?
- No.
- Huh.
Well, then, Mr.
Fishburne, you've got yourself a show.
My own cable
-access show.
Hooray! [MICROWAVE DINGS]
My burrito's ready.
Hooray! RALLO: All right, guys.
Let's give it a try.
[BONES cr*ck]
[SOBBING]
I can't believe it didn't work.
Now we got nothing for the talent show.
Oh, Rallo.
What in the world made you think you could break a board with your hand?
I learned it from you, Mom.
I learned it from watching you.
ANNOUNCER: Parents who do karate have children who do karate.
And, five, four, three [JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
TIM: From Stoolbend, it's The Relatively Late Show starring, uh, Cleveland Brown.
And now, Cleveland is here.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Hi.
Wow.
Thanks for tuning into our very first show.
How's everybody doing?
Boy, it was hot in Stoolbend today, wasn't it?
- You know how hot it was?
TIM: Uh, no, sir.
It was so hot that if Tim's son Raymond were a potato and he went outside he'd be twice baked.
Uh, Tim's son is a stoner.
Not sure if everyone knew that.
[LAUGHS]
Yes.
A stoner potato.
[AS WOMAN]
Uh, Dr.
Brown it's time to interview the next candidate for the rocket
-scientist position.
Now, I must remind you that you've already had two warnings about sexual harassment, so this is your last chance.
I'll be good.
- What's the candidate's name?
- Uh, "Big Boob June.
" Got milk?
[GUS PLAYS RIMSHOT ON POTS]
Ha, ha.
Let's hear it for the NASA sketch.
Hi, who's soft?
Are you soft?
I'm gonna name you "Scott Bathroom Tissue.
" That's adorable.
Lester, what other animals you have running around in your filthy house?
I've got a basement full of these.
Whoa! I think he likes me.
TIM: Oh, hey.
I, uh I ate Scott Bathroom Tissue.
So, uh [JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, that's our show.
I'd like to thank our guests, Big Boob June from the grocery store my neighbor Lester and Luke Wilson.
Thanks, Gus.
The government blew the levees during Katrina.
Stay tuned for Cat Party.
Night.
So, Arch, you catch my show last night?
Yup.
Sucked.
- Huh.
One man's opinion.
- Nope.
- Several thousand people's opinion.
- No way.
Yes way.
Look on the Internet.
Here's a review.
"Mr.
Brown has the charm of a graveyard
-shift bus driver and the comic timing of a wifebeater.
" That's gotta be a typo.
Wait, what's that one?
"When Waterman Cable decided to fill Harv the Raccoon Guy's shoes little did we know they'd fill them with feces.
" Hey, but you still got four stars.
Oh, out of a thousand.
Weird system.
If you'll excuse me, Tim, I need to go wash my hands.
[CLEVELAND SOBBING]
Everybody hates me.
[WHIMPERING]
[FLY UNZIPS]
Wow.
That's 178 bad reviews in a row.
You are one rotten tomato.
Quiet.
Hit refresh.
What?
I do not look like Mr.
Potato Head.
Oh, baby, so what if people didn't like your awful show?
You shouldn't care so much about what people think.
I don't.
Because I know one's self
-worth comes from within.
You're right, Donna.
So silly of me to get upset.
I should be more like you who doesn't care so much she wears this.
[DONNA YELLS THEN CLEVELAND GASPS]
Vanity.
Vanity.
Vanity.
Oh, man.
I'm in trouble.
I got nothing.
You?
You'll be fine.
You always land on your feet.
You're like a cat or a man made entirely of feet.
Well, thanks, Cleveland.
You know, you're gonna be all right too.
You got a certain limited appeal.
- You mean that?
- Yeah.
Rallo, change my expression to one of determination.
Now, you see these charts behind me?
Someone left them here after the insurance conference so don't let them distract you because we need to reinvent my show.
Now, I need to be beloved.
Who is the most beloved person on television?
- Not you.
- Thank you.
Oprah.
Kendra got fused to the couch watching an Oprah marathon once.
Arianna likes that little dancing fella.
- Ellen.
- My mom watches The View in her nightie.
The View's horrible.
Two meanings.
That's it.
Oprah.
Ellen.
The View.
Ugh.
If we can figure out how to appeal to women, people will love me.
And my show too.
Hmm.
Now, what do we know about women?
They pee when they sneeze.
- Do they?
- Yup according to that sneezing pee
-bag Whoopi Goldberg.
Great.
What else do we know?
- They also pee when they
- We gotta think outside the pee box.
Let's do a little research.
We're gonna go out there and watch every single chick talk show we can find.
Cleveland's Tigers, go! [ALL GROWL]
Murray, we need your help.
We got no act for the talent show.
Don't have an act?
You boys came to the right place.
Back in my day in the Catskills I was a hitmaker.
You ever hear of "Peezy Weezy"?
"You Are So Rare to Me"?
- "Tovah Made a Sukkah with Zeidel"?
- These are not words you're using.
Look, you want current?
That's easy.
I can write you guys a hip
-hop song.
- You can?
- My nephew Mordechai owned a studio.
Those rapper guys came through there all the time.
So I know the drill.
Leave it to me and I'll have all your little homeboys cheering your name.
All right, Murray.
I don't know if an old Jew has ever tried to glom onto young black talent before but let's give it a whirl.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Kids.
Mothers.
Shopping.
Chocolate.
White Wine.
Loneliness.
Bulimia.
Drapes.
I know what women care about.
I am Cleveland.
Now, please welcome our first guest, my pancake
-Ioving stepdaughter Roberta Benigni Tubbs.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
We wanna talk about what all women wanna talk about.
- Your period.
- What?
Now, do you roll your own tampons or do you pay someone to roll them for you?
- Cleveland.
- Relax, baby.
We all know what goes on downtown, right, girlfriends?
[ALL CHEERING]
[SNAPS' "THE POWER" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Okay, okay.
I roll my own.
I roll my own.
Okay, now, this was Kendra just two hours ago before our makeover experts got a hold of her.
Kendra, you ready to show the world the new you?
KENDRA: I'm scared.
It's okay, honey.
We're all rooting for you.
Lift the giant tarp, fellas.
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
You all seem to like it, but let's see what her husband says.
Where's Kendra?
I only see a beautiful clown.
I'm the beautiful clown.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
You've been a wonderful audience and because I love you all so much, you're all getting something fabulous.
Look under your chairs.
- There's nothing here.
- Under mine, either.
Where's my free stuff?
Oh, my goodness.
Is there nothing under there?
Hmm.
Maybe that's because girlfriend, you need to stop looking for material things and start looking for the gifts inside yourselves.
ALL [CHANTING]
: Cleveland.
Cleveland.
Cleveland.
Cleveland.
Cleveland.
Cleveland.
[TEPID CLAPPING]
Thank you, Cleveland Brown Jr who insisted on performing despite being ineligible for a kindergarten talent show.
And now, please welcome Rallo Tubbs, Bernard Bernard and Theodore Parker Jr.
Ill.
Now, remember, trust the words I wrote for you.
I'll be right here chatting up that foxy teacher of yours.
[GROWLS]
Now I'm gonna tell you how it is.
Us kids today?
I tell you, we seem to think money grows on trees.
But it doesn't.
It grows out of hard work and sound investment.
We're about to drop some knowledge on y'all.
[RAPPING]
Dollars, greens, scrilla, beans [RAPPING]
Paper, G's, Susan B's [RAPPING]
Interest rates too good to pass up Don't be a putz Gotta bank that cash up Kids these days take the dough And show it Don't know how to grow it Get allowance and blow it
- Rims for my Big Wheel
- Custom kicks No, I'd rather have a pension When I'm 66
- I wanna kiddie pool full of shorties
- Juice boxes on ice Not when I'm saving To attend Brandeis Don't need an Xbox Put it all in tech stocks Now I got fresh bucks Popping up like chicken pox Cheddar, bones Grizzles, scones BOTH: Paper, ducats, fillin' buckets Look here, steer clear Of financial smash
-up Don't be a yutz ALL: Just bank that cash up Bank your cash up If you're advertising saving I can be your pitchman Bank your cash up Stash my scrill away So someday I'll be a rich man [PLAYING RIFF FROM "IF I WAS A RICH MAN"]
- Roth IRA
- 401(k) Finances fatter than Gabourey Sidibe
- FDIC
- Long
-term CD Visit the museum on a day that it's free First Friday of the month, y'all
- It's Bernard
- Theodore And Rallo T ALL: Spitting fiscal responsibility Word is savings bond Hoes [FEEDBACK OVER SPEAKERS]
[ALL BOOING]
- Nerds.
- You suck.
You're lame.
Maybe it's not cool to rap about fiscal responsibility.
Murray, they hated us.
They're booing us.
What?
I turned my hearing aid off so I wouldn't have to hear all that booing.
Pick me up.
You made us look like idiots.
Never speak to me again.
Never reek of pee again?
I can't make that promise, Rallo.
Aw, man.
I don't know if I can take a whole recess of getting our humps busted.
Stupid Murray.
You were right, Theodore.
We should've gone with your uncle, T
-Pain.
[ALL SIGH]
Losers.
My parents were supposed to give me a bike for my birthday but after they heard your song they gave me a savings bond.
Your rap was stupid.
Ha, ha.
Yeah, we know.
We did it on purpose.
We're a joke band like Spinal Tap or Aerosmith.
Man, we are universally loafed.
Loathed, fool.
Damn.
Okay, girls, we've had our morning cry and now it's on to business.
We're on top and we need to stay on top.
So let's talk ideas.
What do you have to va
-say
-say?
What if, uh, we reunite, uh, women with their first gynecologist?
Tim, I want you to stop thinking down here and start thinking up here.
Cleveland, can I talk to you for a second?
This is why we need a production office.
- What?
- I need some help.
I'm at rock bottom.
Your mom's got a rocking bottom.
Ha
-ha
-ha.
Write that down.
"Men who say inappropriate things in front of their children.
" Come on, man.
I need your help.
We got laughed out of school because we did a song about fiscal responsibility.
The only ones who liked it were the teachers and moms.
Wait a minute.
That's our audience.
We've got our next show.
Rallo, you boys are gonna be on TV.
What?
We'll be the laughing stock of Stoolbend.
- We're not doing it.
- Oh, you're doing it or I'll sign you up for the summer reading program.
- You wouldn't.
- Oh, the friends you'll make, Rallo.
The friends you'll make.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY AND THUNDER CRASHING]
Thank you, Junior.
Uh
-oh.
Here come the polizia.
[MIMICS POLICE SIREN]
Okay.
[STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Hey, girls.
We got a great show for you today.
My stepson Rallo and his friends are gonna sing us a little song about responsible investing.
[ALL CHEERING]
MURRAY: Not so fast.
- Murray?
If there's one thing I learned in all my days in show business it's when to admit you're wrong.
You're wrong.
You're all wrong.
That is a hit song.
But, just in case I'm wrong, I wrote you a new one anyway.
[HIP
-HOP b*at PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[ALL CHEERING]
Yeah.
[RAPPING]
We used to rap About saving a buck But now all we care about is **** We're gonna **** in the **** With a ladder in a ****
- Piscataway, New Jersey
- Uh
-huh Tuchus **** On my sock garters ****
- cr*ck your skull
- cr*ck your skull Used to rap about saving Like a bunch of **** That ****, we're about getting **** Get it, get it Get that **** k*ll it, k*ll it k*ll that **** First Friday of the month, y'all [FEEDBACK SQUEALS OVER SPEAKERS]
- You realize you're canceled, right?
- Yep.
- Then give me a show.
- Huh?
What can you do?
[PLAYING "THREE BLIND MICE"]
- That was awesome.
- I can't believe you swore on TV.
You inspired me to go out and k*ll some sh*t, whatever that is.
Seeing you guys turn things around like that inspired me to walk again.
[GRUNTING]
Ha
-ha
-ha, just kidding.
I'm paralyzed.
You got kind of a dark sense of humor.
Hey, Murray.
Good to see everything's back to normal.
Thanks again, my old man friend.
Hey, how'd you come up with that stuff, anyway?
Filth is easy.
Anyone can write that stuff.
Besides, you never heard "Peezy Weezy.
" [SINGING]
Peezy Weezy, your tits I wanna squeezy As we f*ck in the pale moonlight Oh, Peezy Weezy I'm gonna ask you, pleasey Won't you tickle my butthole tonight?
My Peezy Weezy Look, it was a different time.
The w*r.
We didn't know how long we were gonna live.
So who wants an ice milk?
KIDS: I do.