My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Why do I have to come in the store with you?
Couldn't you just leave me in the car like you usually do?
No, there's a cop out front.
Now, here, pick out something you want.
I'm gonna flirt me some free pastrami from that lonely deli guy.
Hey, Louis.
How are you?
I'm fine.
All right, one dollar.
What should I buy?
Wait, what's this?
Joy Buzzer?
Not really a handshake guy.
Fake Dog Doo?
Hmm, I can get the real thing for free.
But this this has potential.
Mixed Nuts?
Hmm.
Not familiar with the brand.
Can's rather small, with a dated design and no nutritional info.
But who am I to look gift nuts in the mouth?
Help!
Snakes!
Donna, call a herpetologist!
You've been Rallo'ed!
And that's now my thing.
Wha?
Ha!
Yes!
The joke's on me.
And my warm, wet trousers.
Ah, the snake ate all the nuts!
This is a semi-demi hitch.
This is a hemi-semi-demi hitch.
This one is known as the Rough Rider due to its use in the bondage and discipline community.
Yeah, I know what that is, Junior.
You got almost every single merit badge.
Yep, I'm going to be the youngest Chief Scout in history.
Only five more badges to go.
I've got a lot of work to do.
I got a lot of work to do my own self.
You've been Rallo'ed!
I was Rallo'ed.
Me, too.
Me, too.
Evening, suckers.
Anyone care to smell my flower?
I will!
No!
No more Rallo'ing, Rallo.
Because you do not want to get Donna'ed.
Been a while since I got Donna'ed.
I mean it.
We've had enough of your pranks.
This ends now.
And no dessert for you.
In fact, yours is going to Junior.
If there's one thing that I do need It's to wash my privates and get real clean In the shower In the shower Damn fat showering Elvis, take my dessert, thinks he's so cool.
Well, he's about to get hot!
Thank you.
Thank you very Rallo'ed!
I knew I shouldn't have been washing it so long!
Now I've gone blind!
Germs are everywhere.
What's up, Stoolbend!
It's your boy, the Kid, here to introduce the principal of Stoolbend High, and your Scoutmaster, the baddest Mother Farquhar alive Wallace Q.
Farquhar!
Get your ass out here, Wally!
Whoa!
Whoo-hoo!
Welcome, Scouts, to our big trip kickoff!
Hoo!
And by "Scouts," I mean Freedom Scouts, not Boy Scouts; a legally distinct and entirely separate organization with whom we are often confused, and who are having their own trip kickoff meeting right now in the Long John Silver's parking lot.
Bye, honey.
Get on the bus.
Turn around.
Ew.
No.
Next.
Get on the bus.
Up next, to give you families a little information about our trip is Cleveland Brown Jr.
, who recently earned his merit badge in PowerPoint.
Oh, I love PowerPoint presentations.
Hope he has some cool transitions.
Come on, checker wipe!
You know, I actually helped Junior with his presentation.
He just doesn't know it yet.
Our voyage will begin on State Route 319 as we head west past the drag strip and turn right at Arby's.
There it is!
Just a half mile down the road, we'll reach the campground.
Now, here's where it gets interesting.
Scenic, isn't it?
A never-ending wonderland of natural delights.
Just look at that vast expanse of virgin territory, the dense, bushy thicket, where, if you look close enough, you can see my penis and testicles.
My penis and testicles?
!
Boner alert!
That boner-- or mistake-- was me allowing you to make this presentation.
It's over!
But Scoutmaster and Principal Farquhar, it wasn't my fault!
It's true, Wally.
Junior was Rallo'ed.
I don't understand jive, but regardless, that type of nudism is unacceptable.
Sorry, Junior, but you're out of the Scouts.
Given the gravity of the situation, it seems inappropriate to do or say something funny right now.
I agree.
Let's just play this straight.
Must be easy to be in one of those drama shows.
Mr.
Brown?
I have your test results.
I have fart cancer.
Oh, we can't turn it off, folks.
We'll be right back.
You've gone too far, Rallo.
You got your brother kicked out of the stupid Scouts.
Which he loves because he doesn't know any better.
All I needed was rock climbing and whitewater rafting.
Then I'd have been a full-fledged Chief Scout.
Rallo, apologize to Junior right now!
I'm sorry if you took offense at my actions.
Better.
I apologize if you misinterpreted my intentions.
Better!
I regret the miscommunication.
Rallo, where on Earth did you learn to apologize like that?
John Edwards.
I'm sorry it took her so long to die.
Will you marry me?
Rallo, what you did today was unacceptable.
Until you can give your brother a sincere apology and stop your childish pranks, you will stay in your room.
Okay.
Do you have a problem with that?
Well, it's not the punishment I would have chosen, but we can discuss it when I get back from the bathroom.
Rallo'ed!
All right, eyes down, left arm straight on the downswing, rotate the hips and Boom!
Rallo!
What do you think you're doing?
!
Oh, it's okay to sh**t human cops in these games, but I can't k*ll a small-brained seal?
You shouldn't be playing any games!
You're being punished!
I'm in my room, aren't I?
Ah, the sublime joys of a womanly punishment.
Cleveland, I won't hit my kid, but I will hit my husband.
Okay!
My septum!
Rallo, from now on, there will be no video games!
And no Internet!
No Angry Birds!
No Angry Birds for Android!
No Kindle!
No Zune!
No TiVo!
No Roku!
No Pronto!
No Pixi!
No Swidget!
No PlayPad!
No Migo!
No Linkster!
No Tickle Me Elmo!
No Texas hold'em with seven grown-up gamblers who somehow got into your room!
No dressing up as Al Sharpton!
You think you can break me, Mama?
You can't break me.
You can take away my toys, but you'll never take away my imagination.
Any calls, Eleanor?
No?
Then bring me an old-fashioned and the afternoon papers if they're in.
Now you tickle me.
Too hard!
I feel like I'm the one who's being punished here.
Oh, sweetie, you tried it "yours's" way; now let me try it "mes's" way.
You know what?
Go ahead.
You can't do any worse than me.
What are you gonna do?
Well, Donna, what's the one thing kids hate more than anything?
But no sinner is more doomed than the Wicked Child, who is an affront to the mighty Harlemites who trotted the globe to smite the Generals.
As St.
Lou said to the Ferrignos, "Don't make me angry.
" You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Amen!
Rallo Tubbs?
Who wants to know?
You're under arrest.
What?
!
What is the charge?
Distribution of lewd photos of a minor.
An overweight minor.
That's unnecessary.
We received a report that you publicly exhibited a naked picture of a husky 14-year-old.
Thank you.
Yeah, but it was just a joke.
Oh.
You're coming downtown.
Mama!
Cleveland!
Carry on, my wayward son!
There'll be peace when you are done!
Lay your weary head to rest.
Don't you cry no more My son is five years old!
You can't just arrest little kids!
Yes, we can, ma'am.
The distribution of indecent photos of children is a zero-tolerance crime.
Doesn't matter who does it.
Objection, Your Honor!
We're lawyered up.
Len, they couldn't have meant to punish a five-year-old when they wrote this law.
It's Mr.
Stein.
Who knows what they meant?
This is Virginia.
It's legal to marry your 16-year-old cousin, but illegal to wash a mule on Sunday.
Thank God it's Wednesday Bubble, bubble, b-b-b-b-bubbles.
The real problem is: Rallo's age is irrelevant as far as this law is concerned.
What?
!
Rallo, it's gonna be okay.
When you get in front of that judge, you'll get the same benefit of the doubt as any other young black male.
Guilty.
Ah.
Your Honor, at the risk of sounding disrespectful, may I say that you're a moron and your verdict is?
Oh!
Uh!
Oh-ho, ho-ho-ho.
I don't write the laws, ma'am.
I don't even believe in them.
Not anymore.
Excuse me, Your Highness.
Are you saying our boy is going to prison?
!
Of course not.
He's five years old.
He's going to juvenile hall for six months.
What?
!
My baby's going away for six months.
Oh, Rallo, when you come back, you won't recognize any live-action shows on Fox.
Master Tubbs, you are to wait here until the bus comes to transport you to juvenile hall.
And here's a video we ask all our inmates to watch.
Hi.
I'm Jaden Smith.
I didn't really want to be in this video, but apparently, I have to be in everything.
My prison is the expectations of my parents.
But your prison is prison!
The you looking at?
!
I'm getting a "thwopsticka!
" Get on the bus.
He fell for it!
I out-pranked the prankster!
I got to hand it to you, Cleveland.
Through a series of elaborate and expensive setups, you managed to fool a five-year-old.
Are you ready for me now?
No.
Turns out we didn't even need you.
Well, good for you.
Okay, okay.
Shh.
Let's go get him.
Rallo, you've been scared stra aah!
Oh, oh!
Where he go?
My baby!
Cleveland, what have you done?
Your stupid plan scared him into running away.
So my plan worked too well.
Surely, I can't be faulted for such an extraordinary level of success.
Surely not.
Let's find Rallo.
Kids, we've got to find Rallo!
I thought he was going to juvie.
Cleveland made all that up to scare him.
Well, that was a terrible plan!
You're a terrible plan!
Dah!
The point is, he's gone.
He must have gone into the woods.
You went into the woods!
Dah!
Let's go.
But first, let's change out of our good clothes.
Heck with this!
I'm going to the mall.
Then get me a Wetzel's Pretzel!
Ah, come on!
You guys go on ahead.
I need to rest.
All right.
Slumber now The sleep train's coming Choo-choo down the track Dad, I don't need to sleep.
I just need to rest my legs.
Oh.
I suppose that was more for me.
Oh, you're growing up so fast.
Cleveland!
Yep!
One more look.
Huh.
Look at that.
Footprints.
My tracking badge taught me that footprints are left by feet.
These badges are very basic.
A pack of gum?
Ow!
I've been Rallo'ed!
Wait!
Rallo!
My thinking is very basic.
Rallo!
Rallo!
Rallo!
Rallo.
Where'd you find this name, "Rallo?
" Sanford and Son.
Oh, yeah.
Fred and Grady's friend?
Mm-hmm.
I got a cousin named Fred Sanford Brown.
Do you?
No.
I wish.
Hey, if you and me have a baby, we could name him We got one!
Good trapping, Scouts.
Cleveland, you're not a wild boar.
Looks like it's crickets and Schlitz for dinner again, boys.
Wally, have you seen Rallo?
He's run off into the woods, and we can't find him.
Oh, boo-hoo.
I've lost four kids this weekend, and you don't see me whining about it.
My breasts look all right.
Hmm.
Hello.
Rallo!
Please don't turn me in, man!
I don't want to be Jaden Smith!
He's inherited his mother's charm and his father's modesty!
It's okay, Rallo.
Listen.
You're not going to juvie.
What?
None of that was real.
My dad was just pranking you back.
He got your mom and everyone in town in on it.
Wow, a spanking would have been so much easier and just as effective.
Liberal parents.
What are you gonna do?
Let's go.
Hell, no!
This ain't over.
Yay!
Naked forest party!
No, I'm gonna fake my own death.
Gonna throw this dummy off that cliff and show Mom and Cleveland what scared really is.
Then, 12 years from now, I will return to town posing as an eccentric millionaire.
Help!
I'm his only hope.
And I can do it, because I am a Freedom Scout expelled for sexual misconduct!
This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy.
Ooh, ah, ee, ooh.
Look at us, tramping around the woods, no idea where we're going.
Rallo's probably laughing at us right now.
Just sitting up in heaven laughing at us.
Look, there he is!
Rallo!
Oh, my God, it's Junior!
He's trying to save Rallo!
Who cares?
Oh, you said "Rallo.
" For some reason, I thought you said "Adam.
" I was like, "Who's Adam?
" Isn't that funny?
But yeah, the Rallo thing.
I hope he does save him.
Help!
Wait, my floaty pants badge!
Help!
Damn.
I think that dumb-ass gave me a Mr.
Pibb.
He's sh**ting the rapids!
R-r-r-radical!
Thanks, Junior.
You saved my life.
Of course, Rallo.
You'd do it for me.
Well, I agree with the sentiment, but I just don't see me lifting your fat ass out of the water.
Yeah, I'd probably just drown.
Junior, I am honored to present to you the following merit badges: rock climbing and whitewater rafting.
Which makes you the youngest Chief Scout ever.
Never in the history of the Scouts has anything anyone's learned for a badge been put to actual use.
These are busy-work tasks, designed to keep young boys from sitting around, bending their Beckhams.
But that is neither here nor there!
I'm drunk on the firewater of personal achievement!
So, Rallo, have you learned your lesson about pranks?
Absolutely.
Hey, did you know that if your hand is bigger than your face, you're gay?
Really?
This is big.
Ah, now I got a bloody nose and I'm gay!