My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Attention, nerds, dorks, spazzes, and dweebos.
Get your brass over here.
Welcome to this year's Stoolbend High band tryouts.
This is something of a rebuilding year after a plane carrying last year's band crashed into the Appalachian Mountains, forcing them to resort to cannibalism to survive.
Which they didn't.
I don't think I could eat a person.
I could eat a person.
So, when life gives you lemons, you make a marching band!
Marching?
You can't ask a guy my size to walk and blow a tuba at the same time.
What do you think k*lled John Candy?
Two, three, four.
Go around.
Man, there's ants all over this turf.
I wish they'd just carry me home.
This is humiliating.
And amazing.
What a day.
Kenny Kenny West, y'all Oh.
Mmm.
My old pal, Kenny West, back in Stoolbend.
And who does he request to install his cable?
Anyone at my company.
Kenny, my man!
Yo, cable man, why you touching me?
Kenny, it's me, Cleveland Brown.
Be-Cleve in yourself Something, something, something Be-Cleve in yourself Something 'bout a mustache.
Oh, right.
Uh, whatever happened to you, man?
Playa, please, I been round the way.
Think you're the only one who's got one of those turkey-feather jackets?
I got me one of those.
I got 19 TVs, and the "Rudy's fish dies" episode of The Cosby Show is coming on, so chop-chop, chump.
God, it's good to see you, man.
Classy.
Here's the first one.
Wow.
How big is that?
You can't look at it directly, or it'll burn your eyeballs out.
Kind of like Kathy Griffin, am I right, Kenny?
She's a friend.
And very gifted.
I like your stories.
Just hook up the cable.
Yo, meow.
Cute exit.
Catch up later.
Hi, Daddy.
Wow.
I know, right?
What is this?
I don't remember winning these.
Clemon, are you going to be out of here before my 7:00 p.
m.
boob washing party?
I hope not.
And it's Cleveland.
And one of those awardses should be mine.
Ladies, go muddy 'em up.
I'll just be a second.
Listen, man.
That's my song.
What?
But we wrote it together.
It's my name.
I'm Cleve.
That's just a coincidence.
Like how you're standing over a trapdoor right now.
What?
I'm falling all the way to Beijing!
Herro.
FML.
Forgot my lunch.
Which is fine because I lost my appetite.
I got cut from the marching band, too, so I joined the football team.
One practice, and I got meningitis from drinking out of a dirty water cooler.
Principal Farquhar say accordion is not marching band instrument.
Apparently, he's never seen halftime at flurghenboll game at University of Blort.
Dude, that is so not fair.
Get this, fellow youths.
He won't let me join the band because I'm, quote, "clearly in my mid-40s.
" Talk about a bummer, is it?
You know what?
We don't need Wally.
We can start our own band.
Yeah.
This I like.
We'll stick it to that grown-up.
All we have to do is figure out what type of music best blends the tuba, the accordion, the clarinet, and the drum.
Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom Gary, you're waking the kids.
We are the kids, Carol.
Kenny won't share the trophies, Cleveland's going to steal them.
Oh, this is too easy.
Piano.
r*cist-ass pillows.
Okay, the trophies.
Now, if this mansion is laid out like Wayne Manor, those trophies would have been right outside Alfred's room, which is Hmm.
What the?
What happened?
How did I get home?
I don't feel r*ped.
Donna!
There you are.
You were sleeping so soundly, I didn't want to wake Cleveland, put some pants on!
There's no time!
Last night, I went back over to Kenny West's mansion, and I found a room where there were people dressed in black cloaks, and there was weird chanting like that Benedictine monks CD everybody got tricked into buying in the '90s.
Yeah, I stopped listening to that when I got really into swing music for three months.
Speaking of swing, please put some pants on.
Dag, Ro.
Sounds like your step-pops stumbled upon the Hip Hop Illuminati, girl!
The say what now?
The Hip Hop Illuminati.
All right, I'm getting you a towel.
Oh, there's just this rumor that some of the biggest stars in hip hop are in a secret society that runs the world.
It ain't no rumor, Willis.
It's for real.
They control everything from the world economy to fashion trends to what freaky hybrid fruit we eat.
Yo, Ro, pass me that banapple.
Kenny West is part of the Hip Hop Illuminati.
Cleveland, you're nuts.
Oh, yeah?
I'll show you nuts.
You're welcome, America.
All right, Kenny.
I know you're a member of the Hip Hop Illuminati, and I'm going to prove it!
Let's see, the secret room was through this bookshelf.
Man, I don't know what you're talking about.
So, then, no secret door would open if I did this!
This!
Come on, man.
You're going to get book stains on the rug.
Aha!
The Da Vinci Code!
Can I borrow this?
!
Ow.
That place was dead anyways, man.
I'm gonna get me a Slurpee.
It's all under control.
He's gone.
Good.
Now I want to make a toast.
To our gracious host, Kenny West, and to the Hip Hop Illuminati.
To the Hip Hop Illuminati.
Look, Kenny, I'm cool with wearing all this stuff, but we either got to get bigger hoods or smaller goblets.
I vote for bigger hoods.
I just want to say that I definitely should be a part of the Hip Hop Illuminati since I did work on songs like "F You," "Billionaire," "Nothin' on You.
" Hey, are we going to raise global oil prices or what?
I've got a doctor's appointment to figure out why my hair's turning pink.
We'll get to it, Nicki.
Hey, you guys want to see the world's biggest remote?
It's like the piano in Big.
It is!
Hey, look at me.
I'm Tom Hanks!
And I'm Robert Loggia.
I know they're hiding something, and I'm getting in there one way or the other.
Remember the plan.
Ostrich delivery for Kenny West.
Ostrich?
I didn't order an ostrich.
You didn't?
Just a minute.
He says he didn't order a ostrich.
Tell him it's a gift from Kim Jong-il.
He's dead, idiot.
It's a gift from Kim Cattrall.
Well, I guess an ostrich could be cool.
He's not going to try to hump my llama, is he?
All right, I'll take him.
Hyah!
Now I've got a job I don't want.
Thanks, Obama.
I didn't hear what you guys was talking about, but I got a better idea.
Ostriches.
We're going to make ostrich riding a new trend.
It'll be lumpy.
By the way, that's going to be the new word for "cool.
" At least he's not trying to push them wigs made out of spaghetti.
Oh, and about the spaghetti wigs, check it-- Parmesan hats.
Oh, man.
That's so lumpy.
See?
The talking ostrich knows what's up.
Wait a minute.
Hi.
Cleveland Brown.
Not the ostrich, the person.
And forgotten co-writer of Kenny's biggest hit.
You co-write, too?
We should co-co-write a song together.
No.
Yo, Kenny, I thought you said you took care of this clown.
Nobody takes care of me but my wife.
And even though it's not as often as when we were first married, it's still a respectable amount.
Probably just shy of the national average, but I'm fine with that because I think people lie in those surveys.
Actually, we control those surveys.
Wow, you control a lot of stuff.
Aw, man, you don't know the half of it.
Gimme a b*at, ?
uest.
We start that stuff that then become cool We start them trends that then become rules Leaving stickers on the hats That your kids wear to school Kenny West, Teeth Crest, came up from the gutter Never fooled by Fabio, I can believe it's not butter Lowerin' cholesterol, yeah Don't hear what we're saying, just ask some white teens Where you think they got The shutter shades and tight jeans?
Hey, yo, I'm up in this club And we're more secret than Freemasons Never have to pay for beats, because we always freebasin' Movin' in silence, that's how the crew goes Runnin' this like a snotty nose Gonna need a tissue Imposters disappear like the career of Kevin Costner While we sitting here Drinking beers with Jimmy Hoffa That's my eyeball lookin' at ya from the pyramid on cash We're so bad we can make an iPad run Flash Got more secrets than deodorant Bitch, we don't perspire We're uncredited consultants on HBO's The Wire!
Mm-hmm, once again I'd love to borrow those DVDs, brother Hey, yo, we start that stuff that then become cool We start them trends that then become rules We the first ones to wait 30 minutes Before swimming in a pool Illuminati starts the that then becomes cool Illuminati start the trends that then become rules Illuminati!
All right, count me in.
I'll take my cloak in a 44 wide.
Boot cut, if that's an option.
You ain't gettin' no cloak.
You're a cable installer Not some bigwillie sh*t-caller I think we've rapped enough.
Now get out of here and forget what you saw, before we have to make you disappear, like we did Sisqo.
Caw!
Caw!
Caaar!
Phew.
Yah!
Relax.
We're not here to hurt you.
We want you to k*ll Kenny West I'll do it!
's career.
Oh.
Can I offer you a drink?
There's water in the fridge.
I wouldn't trust that Brita filter, though.
It was here before I was.
So was the baking soda.
The kids are sick a lot.
But yeah, I'll k*ll Kenny's career.
Why do you want me to k*ll Kenny West's career?
I thought y'all was homies.
We were homies.
But then his ego got out of control, man.
And this is coming from rappers!
We're trying to affect people on a global scale, and he's going on about ostriches, spaghetti wigs, and replacing his cat's eyes with diamonds.
Yeah, everybody knows diamonds are for belt buckles, watches, and teeths.
But we can't kick him out as long as he's the biggest hip hop star out there.
So we need you to sabotage his career.
Why me?
Oh, Question-mark-love, do you mind not putting your feet on the coffee table?
It's not me.
It's my wife.
Oh, sorry.
Cleveland, you were there in the beginning for Kenny.
And let me tell you a little something about these rappers.
If someone from their past accuses them from losing touch with the streets, they'll do any crazy-ass thing you say to prove you wrong.
I mean, that's how come I dress like a spaceman.
To give me street cred.
And you've got to trick Kenny into making music no one wants to hear.
Well, that's impossible.
I'm a hit maker!
Excuse me.
Junior!
Keep it down!
I'm trying to have a meeting!
Nobody wants to hear your terrible music.
Okay, so where can we find terrible music that nobody wants to hear?
What about the polka music?
That's a great idea featuring Nicki Minaj!
If you get him to play that, ain't nobody ever gonna want to listen to him again.
And then he'll be out, which will free up a spot for you.
And it's ?
uestlove.
Question mark's just for show?
I'll do it.
And if you're looking for your comb, it's in your hair.
Hey, Nicki.
Bruno.
?
uest.
Mr.
I.
am.
Just want to give you all my demo.
You'll see that it's mostly rumba beats from my Casio, but there's something there.
A'ight, I'm gonna lay down some "yeahs.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, we got that.
You know what?
Let me do that second one again.
Yeah.
Nailedt.
Yeah!
Cleveland, what are you doing here?
Making peace.
I bring you your next hit.
That's just a bunch of kids and a guy that used to sell me weed.
Hey, Gary.
Hey, Kenny.
Talk later?
Hell no!
Look, Kenny, I know you're a superstar and I'm a nobody.
But you're forgetting something.
What's that?
I know what the nobodies on the streets want because I'm a nobody like them.
And nobody knows nothing better than me.
He's right.
He ain't.
Sorry, Rallo, I didn't catch the end of that.
You let go of the button too soon.
I only heard you up to "He ain't.
" That was all.
Ah.
Copy that.
Kenny, you've lost touch with the streets.
And worse, the streets have lost touch with you.
And even worse, touch lost have with you streets the.
Hit it, Junior!
Unh!
You feel that?
Damn, that's dope.
That's polka!
Sh'mon.
Maybe I have lost touch.
I mean, people on the streets probably only got a couple of American Express Black cards, not a whole suit of 'em.
You know what?
I'm gonna polka my way back to the streets!
There he goes.
Sh'mon!
Kenny!
Kenny!
This is it, Cleveland.
If you pull this off, you gonna be one of us.
And this is just a taste of the riches you gonna enjoy.
It's a $15 iTunes gift card.
You know how many songs you can get?
15.
Cool!
How do we listen?
Where do I plug up the earbugs?
Play BTO.
Bachman.
Turner.
Overdrive.
Aw, this thing's busted.
Cleveland, there you are.
I got something I want you to have.
It's the Grammy for our song, and it's just as much yours as it is mine.
It it is?
When you came to see me yesterday, I realized something.
I feel like everyone around me just wants to bring me down, but you're the one dude who's looking out for me.
You believe in me.
You mean, I "Be-Cleve" in you?
I was purposely avoiding saying that, but yes.
You always did.
Oh, fiddlenips.
Kenny, there's something I gotta tell you Kenny, you're on.
No, wait!
I think you're about to look German.
Oh, God.
Wait, wait, I'm not done!
Huh?
Huh?
This is gonna be a barrel of fun!
Kenny, wait!
Don't go out there!
I tricked you!
Hey, look what Nicki Minaj gave me!
And this.
All right, Junior!
Let's get ready to go viral, my dude!
A smart and stylish girl you see Belle of good society Not too strict but rather free As right as right can be Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra Now let a playa play.
Ta-ra-ra, ta-ra-ra, ay Ta-ra-ra, ta-ra-ra, ay Ta-ra-ra, ta-ra-ra, ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Come here, I want to do a little diddle No, I don't need a fiddle Oh, taste the rainbow, taste the Skittles So, put my Malcolm in your middle Ta-ra-ra, ta-ra-ra, ay Ta-ra-ra, ta-ra-ra, ay Ta-ra-ra, ta-ra-ra, ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ay!
I got wood, let me whittle Ay!
Press you hot like a griddle Ay!
w*r machine like Don Chiddle Ay!
Then I'll buy you peanut brittle Girl from around the way You wearing a tiara-ay Blowing up like Michael Bay Rap is always better with a little hip hop, hoo-ray Ta-ra-ra, ta-ra-ra, ay Boom-de-ay!
Boom-de-ay!
Boom-de-ay!
Ta-ra-ra, ta-ra-ra, ay Boom-de-ay!
Boom-de-ay!
Ta-ra-ra, ta-ra-ra, ay Boom-de-ay!
Boom-de-ay!
Ta-ra-ra, ta-ra-ra, ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay!
Boom-de-ay!
Boom Three encores, b*tches!
Boom-de-ay!
Boom-de-ay!
Wow, Kenny!
We really showed a lot of guts out there tonight.
No, "we" didn't.
I did.
I can make anything cool.
I'm Kanye Wes Kenny West.
Kenny, that was so lumpy!
Yo yo yo-de-le-de-ho.
Yo, somebody sh**t this fool.
I was just threatened by Kenny West!
Street cred!
Ooh-oooh!
Good job, Cleveland.
You made him bigger than ever.
Yeah, man, if your career was destroying people's careers, this would destroy your career.
You're very clever, will.
i.
am.
Wait a minute, William!
I just got that!
Ha!
What's your last name?
You know what, Cleveland Uh, uh!
Clev.
e.
land.
Since you're getting along so well with these guys, why don't you just take my place?
I'm out.
I got me a real ostrich.
His name is Morgan and he only eats hamburgers.
Bye, everybody!
So, what are we going to do now, club mates?
We disbanded the club.
You're awful.
And besides, I'm just filling in for Wyclef.
Wait, you're not Wyclef?