03x15 - Call Me 'Cat's in The Cradle'

[bunniefuu]

♪ She took the last train ♪

♪ Home. ♪

(WHOOPING)

Max Kingbird! Rock star!
You can do better than that.

Oh, the crowd, not you, Max.

You're awesome. You're a rock star!

Thank you for that enthusiastic response

to a song about my cousin's depression.

I'm gonna take a break now.

Yeah, if you like that song,

wait'll you hear the
one about his dead dog.

Great set, man.

I'm gonna have to up your pay.

I sing for free.

Not anymore.

Here's some curly fries.

Sheila, Carter and I are remodeling.

What do you think about this kitchen?

I'm going for "having our friends over

and making them feel
crappy about their lives."

Well, you know, I used to
be an interior designer,

if you'd like some help.

Oh, I didn't know you did that.

Yes. This was back in
New York in the 's.

Lots of shag carpeting and
chairs shaped like mushrooms.

My God, we were high.

("GOTTA GO" BY KILGORE PLAYING)

Hey, Max.

♪ We'll disappear into the night ♪

♪ Just like the sun... ♪

Dad?

♪ I don't know... ♪

Long time no see.

You got big.

Yeah, years'll do that.

Can-can we sit down?

You can. I'm out of here.

♪ Got to, got to go ♪

♪ We got to, got to go... ♪

That was Max's father?

He left when Max was, like, ten.

This is not good.

Good-looking man, no wedding ring.

I could be your mother
and your mother-in-law.

And it just got worse.

♪ Me, oh, my,
oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Max, hold on.

I want to talk to you.

Really? How did you even find me?

Your Aunt Joyce posted about your show.

It was "QAnon, QAnon,

my nephew Max is a big-time singer,

QAnon, cat video."

Look, I don't know
what you want from me,

but I got a set to finish and... Guys,

I can see you through the window.

Look, Max, I'm not the guy I used to be.

- (SIGHS)
- I quit drinking.

Again?

Oh! Oh, look who's here. I
didn't know you were out here.

I just, uh...

I was at the more shops
and additional parking.

Hi, I'm... I'm Kat.

I'm Max's girlfriend.

Hi, I'm Max's father,
Dan, and, uh, I'm...

Leaving. He's leaving.

Right.

Look, here's my number if
you want to have dinner.

Damn, these guys age well.

Makes me wish I had started
wearing sunscreen years ago.

You know, I'm his girlfriend,
so I'm just gonna take that.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I hope to hear from you, Max.

Are you okay?

Yeah, fine.

Are you gonna have dinner with him?

Why would I?

Aren't you curious?

I-I can't deal with this right now.

I have a set to finish... Guys,

I can still see you.

Tell me, what kind of vibe

do you want for your kitchen?

We want it to feel very inviting.

Like, like where Martha
Stewart could roll croissants

and Snoop Dogg can roll a blunt.

Yeah, and the countertops
need to be able to hold

both of our body weights.

No reason.

Here you go, Sheila.

Oh, you're looking clean, man.

You got the second-best
haircut in the room.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

Yeah, Max sent him to his stylist.

Oh, she washed my hair,
gave me a shoulder massage,

then she used a blow-dryer,

so I guess I got my first blow...

No, that's different, that's different.

Oh.

This is beautiful.

Have you thought of a feature wall,

maybe with reclaimed wood?

I once built a whole
barn out of another barn.

The circle of barns.

That's actually a very good idea.

You know, I would be happy to
give you a hand with construction.

I've built more than just barns.

Hay lofts, horse
paddocks, a Dairy Queen.

Really?

Yeah. The only thing I can't
build is a family of my own.

(SIGHS)

Morning.

Oh, hey there. Did you get my email?

I did.

I've never gotten an Evite
to take a sexy shower before.

I RSVP'd yes and commented

"I would loofah to join you."

I don't know if your
party is private or not,

but if you want to invite me,

I do now have an email.

It's Gideon, Hezekiah,
Zechariah, Jebediah, Jedidiah,

one, two, two, five...
that's Christmas...

@aol.com.

So, the same as your Instagram.

Max, have you given any more thought

to having dinner with your dad?

I've been thinking more
about this sexy shower...

that I'm now realizing
is in three weeks.

There's nothing sexier
than planning ahead.

(SCOFFS)

As far as my dad... you're right,

I should probably hear
what he has to say.

But you're coming with me.

- I'm not sitting there alone with him.
- Great. I will set it up.

Mm, more planning.

I'm gonna add it to our shared calendar.

- (PHONE VIBRATES)
- Oh.

Roy and Amanda just RSVP'ed
yes to the sexy shower.

Roy and Amanda?

Oh, no.

I sent this Evite to my book club?

(GROANS)

So after my father passed,
I thought to myself,

"Is teaching mathematics
really my life's purpose?"

No, so I opened a café
where you can get coffee

and muffins and snuggle with cats.

I know you know all this,

but I can't assume he watches the show.

So, how long have you
and Max been together?

About four months.

But we've been best
friends since college.

We still think he's coming?

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

He's just... he's just running late.

You know, he-he booked studio time,

he's recording a demo, trying
to get signed by a label.

He's actually really good.

He's like Elton John in
Tom Brady's body. (CHUCKLES)

- Well, definitely better than the other way around.
- (LAUGHS)

I've never been to an
Ethiopian restaurant before.

And I'm loving this.

Microwaves should come
with a preset button...

popcorn, baked potato, hot towel.

(SNIFFS)

You're gonna love the food.

I got a taste for it when
I was working in Africa.

Africa, wow.

Do you miss "the rains"?

(CHUCKLES) Toto?

No? No Toto?

So, Dan, what do you do for living?

Well, you know those big oil pipelines

everyone likes to protest?

Get out. You're an eco-warrior?

Close. I laid the pipes.

- Oh.
- Anyway, now I volunteer for a charity

that brings fresh
water to rural villages.

Oh, that's so inspiring.

You're like Gandhi in Tom Brady's body.

No, please, that guy is so overrated.

- Gandhi, not Tom Brady.
- (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I mean, Gandhi
b*at the British empire,

but Tom Brady b*at the
Falcons after being down -

with two minutes left
in the third, so... GOAT.

(LAUGHS)

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Oh, no.

Everything okay?

Yeah, it's just Max's
session is running long.

He's not gonna be able to make dinner.

Well, I can't say I blame him.

Anyway, it was nice meeting you,

and I'm just glad Max found
someone who makes him happy.

Wait, hang on.

We're both here. We're both hungry.

Why don't we just have dinner?

Really? You sure?

Yeah, we can talk more
football like, uh, Tom Brady.

Too pretty?

Okay. And yes.

(LAUGHS)

All right. What should I have to drink?

They got a keribo, a cheka.

A "spree-tay"?

- Uh, that's just Sprite.
- Oh.

This is so good. Max would love this.

Really?

The Max I remember wasn't
an adventurous eater.

He would only eat foods he could draw.

Well, he has certainly
broadened his horizons.

He's traveled all over the world.

He can order chicken nuggets
in different languages.

There was a time I
could order whiskey neat

- in different languages.
- (CHUCKLES)

Really, you just say, "whiskey neat."

Yeah, Max told me you stopped
drinking. That's great.

I've got a little over a year.
It's the longest I've ever gone.

I promised myself I wouldn't reach
out to Max again until it stuck.

I didn't know you
reached out to him before.

Only , times.

To be fair, a lot of those
were just me drunkenly singing

"Cat's in the Cradle" on his voice mail.

So that's why he hates that song.

Did you ever sing him "Come On Eileen?"

Oh, I had my moments, but
I was never that drunk.

(LAUGHS)

What up, YouTube?

And welcome to the premiere
episode of Hot Lots.

- This is our lot.
- And I'm hot.

Eh, and I'm here, too.

We are gonna document

the amazing transformation of our home.

We're gonna turn this
condominium into a condo-maximum.

- (CHUCKLES)
- That's right.

And if there are any sponsors out there

who want to give us free
stuff, we're open to anything.

Even naming rights.

Like, over here could be
the Circuit City doorway.

Or around the corner we can have
the Souplantation laundry nook.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Laundry and farting nook.

- What?
- What?

That's why people watch us.

They love those classic Carter moments.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, let me introduce
you to our dream team.

Our wonderful designer, Sheila Silver.

Oh, hello.

I... I didn't realize
you'd be filming today.

I wouldn't have worn
this ratty old thing.

And our contractor, Gideon Yoderman.

Hey, y'all.

I am excited about this renovation.

And yes, ladies, I'm single.

I enjoy hiking, carpentry, and sex.

Hey, the show is called Hot Lots,

not Gideon Gets His Freak On.

Okay, so, what do we do first?

Well, I know y'all want
to open up this kitchen,

so we need to take
down this entire wall.

We just need to make sure
that there's no duct work,

plumbing, or electrical inside.

So how do we check for all that?

Well, my cousin Ernie would put
one foot in a bucket of water

and then reach his hand inside the wall

to see if he could find anything.

Oh, sorry... my late cousin Ernie.

CARTER: Well, maybe cousin Ernie

needed a sledgehammer! (GRUNTS)

Yep, there's electrical inside.

♪ ♪

(SNORING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SNORTS, GRUNTS)

What's going on? Oh, oh, you're awake?

Oh.

Hey.

Oh, I didn't hear you
come in last night.

I had a really interesting
dinner with your dad.

We had Ethiopian food.

Did you know he volunteers
for a charity in Africa?

Also, why don't you like
the song "Come On Eileen"?

- That's a heck of a tune.
- (GROANS)

- Good morning to you, too.
- Sorry.

You just...

You said you were gonna come last night.

What happened?

(SIGHS) Well...

I got done recording, I got in my car

and then I realized, "Screw this."

I-I got nothing but
bad feelings for him.

- Okay, but it seems like he's on a good path.
- (SCOFFS)

Well, you had one dinner with him,

so you probably know
him better than I do.

Okay. Max, I'm-I'm only pushing this

because I know that you
miss having a dad around.

You wrote that beautiful song

about wanting to reconnect with him.

So? Mariah Carey wrote a song called

"All I Want for Christmas Is You,"

but you know she wants
more for Christmas.

Why are you being so stubborn?

I used to wake up on Saturday
mornings to watch cartoons...

... find him passed out on the couch,

turn his head to the side so he
wouldn't choke on his own vomit

and then sit down to watch Scooby-Doo.

He would've d*ed if it
wasn't for this meddling kid.

So please, just drop it.

I think you're making a mistake.

What part of "I don't want to see him"

don't you get?

I know you think

the world is all rainbows and cat memes,

but this is my life, Kat, and
it's none of your business.

(DOOR CLOSES)

What's up, cuz?

What's going on here?

You got a court date? A funeral?

Faking a funeral to
get out of a court date?

(CHUCKLING) I was at
Grandma's last night.

She said she wants me to get a job

where I wear a suit
and tie, so I got one.

Really? What is it?

Vice president of beer distribution.

Here you go, sir.

Distributed.

CARTER: Hey, Max.

Give me a double sh*t of tequila.

Sorry, my department only handles beer.

You okay?

Nope.

- This about your dad?
- Yep.

You haven't had a drink
in a couple of months.

Sure the best time to have one

is when your alcoholic
father comes back?

Seems perfect to me.

All right. I can give you a drink.

Or... I can give you a sledgehammer

and you can go to my
place and smash stuff up.

Anybody there gonna have any
big feelings about my life?

If they do, you're
holding a sledgehammer.

If I put this video
on my dating profile,

you think women'll buy that it's me?

Swipe right if you like a
guy who swings a big hammer.

That's gonna attract the
naughty girls. (CHUCKLES)

So I'm gonna use it. (LAUGHS)

(MAX GRUNTING)

("GODSPEED YOUR LOVE"
BY DAVID SEGALL PLAYING)

What's up, Kat?

Hey, Carter.

Look at this.

Who goes to a bar and
leaves this behind?

Was it a mistake, was it a warning?

What are you looking at?

- What's it to you, chump?
- Aah!

Have you seen Max?

He went to our place
to help with the demo.

He seemed pretty upset.

Do you ever see somebody
making a mistake,

but you just don't
know how to help them?

(GRUNTS)

Is this about Max and his dad?

Yeah.

Max could finally have
a father in his life,

but he just won't
even give him a chance.

There's a better chance
that dummy's body walks over,

grabs his head and walks out of here.

What I'm saying is
that's not gonna happen.

Right?

Why not?

I can't tell you how many times a day

I wish I had just five
more minutes with my dad.

You want more time with your dad.

That doesn't mean Max
wants the same thing.

But maybe it's about what he needs.

What he needs is a
girlfriend who supports him.

I support...

The way he wants you to.

Okay.

But I just want to leave
open the possibility

that everybody's wrong but me.

(CHUCKLING)

- Thank you, Carter.
- Hey, anytime.

♪ Never loved a girl like you. ♪

Hi, Carter.

Aah!

♪ ♪

Well, how about that?

My video of me swinging my sledgehammer

in my t*nk top has gotten
me quite a few likes.

Swipe right,

swipe right...

Oh, I know her.

Swipe right.

Hey, Max, you feeling better?

I really do care about
your mental health,

but I also could use
my bathroom demo-ed.

Oh, Carter didn't say anything
about redoing the bathroom.

No, he didn't, but once
Max knocks down a wall down,

I mean, we got to do something.

I was thinking maybe
a walk-in steam shower

with chromotherapy
light, eight body jets,

and -inch rain shower.

Is just something that
popped into my head.

Sorry if I got kind of crazy.

It's just, seeing my dad
brings everything back again.

Oh, trust me, I get it.
My mom drives me nuts.

She calls me once a month to
complain that I don't call her

and then criticizes me for a hour.

That's why I don't call you, bitch.

Am I awful that I won't
even sit down with him?

I don't think so.

Families are complicated.

I mean, I know that I've never been

what my father thought I should be.

I was never strong enough,

never pious enough,

never serious enough.

Well, you know what, Father?

You were never kind enough.

Never patient enough.

Never...

... loving enough.

Is that why you left?

It was a big part of it.

I knew if I left I could
maybe finally be happy.

But I also knew

I would never see my family again.

Damn. That's a lot to carry.

I know you're in a tough spot,

but take it from me...

it's okay

to let go of someone
who's not good for you.

Even if, deep down,

you love them.

Thanks, man.

Damn, now y'all got me
thinking about my mama.

Come on, let's go make some
room for that steam shower.

(KNOCKING)

♪ ♪

Dan?

This is a dramatic development.

♪ Dan, Dan, Dan! ♪

- Hey.
- Hi. Uh, come on in.

Thanks.

Whoa. I saw something like
that once on a bad acid trip.

- (LAUGHS)
- Uh,

I'm leaving tonight and I, uh,

I-I picked you up a little something.

Oh. (LAUGHING)

A hot towel kit.

Well, it was either that or
a six pack of "Spree-tay."

Thanks.

Uh...

listen, I, uh...

I got a favor to ask.

Uh, maybe we could stay in touch.

You could let me know
what's going on with Max?

Look, um...

I know you're really trying,

but I think...

I think that has to be Max's decision.

Yeah. No, I-I get it, uh...

Well, it, uh, you know,

uh, maybe we'll see
each other again someday.

- You, I hope I never see again.
- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Kat, have you seen my...

Dad.

Uh, she didn't know
I was coming and, uh,

you know, I-I didn't
know that you were here.

Take care.

Hang on.

Yeah?

I-I... Hold on a sec.

I just... I can't, with that.

Kat says she thinks you've changed.

And maybe you are a
different guy now, but...

I don't care.

I was ten years old when you walked out.

Ten!

Who the hell does that?

And now you want to come
back and, what, play catch?

No thanks.

You taught me one thing in life, Dad.

How to get along without you.

So I really do hope that
you've turned your life around,

but I don't need to be a part of it.

Fair enough.

(EXHALES)

I know you think I
probably blew my one sh...

(SOBBING)

Sorry, I... I just... I can't...

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Over any mountain ♪

♪ Across any sea ♪

♪ There is no distance ♪

♪ That's too far for me ♪

♪ I will be right here ♪

♪ I will be right here ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm waiting. ♪