01x19 - Legends of the Dark Mite!

[bunniefuu]

[GROWLS]

Magnificent, isn't it? One of the last living Sumatran tigers.

Untamed, endangered, and for sale to the highest bidder.

Who will open at $100,000? We have 100,000.

Of course, the beast's whiskers and teeth are worth that alone.

[TIGER GROWLING]

CATMAN: Three hundred thousand? Those who know barbecued tiger heart means good eating know their customers will pay for such exotic meals.

One million.

Two million.

Three.


-Four million
-
- Oh! BATMAN: Twenty years to life up the river.

You're a long way from Gotham, Batman.

But never far from crime, Catman.

Tear him to pieces.

CROWD: Yeah! [GRUNTING]

Release him, Catman.

Now.

As you wish.

Look, the tiger appreciates your concern, Batman.

He's coming to thank you.

[WHISTLES]

[GROWLING]

Mangy mutt.

Aah! Call him off.

BATMAN: For crimes against nature, Catman there's a cage waiting for you at Blackgate prison.

Heel.

Good boy.

Well, you deserve it.

[BEEPING]

[ALARM BLARING]

Heh.

Worked like a charm.

Let's load up and blow.

VOICE: And suddenly, dramatically framed in the doorway is the Dark Knight himself.

I don't need a play
-by
-play.

I didn't say anything.

Drop the money and give yourselves up.

Okay, Batman.

We know when we're licked.

VOICE: Oh, no, no.

You're making it too easy.

Grab those bags.

Rush him.

[GRUNTING]

Look, it ain't me doing this.

I think I believe you.


-Oh, sorry.

VOICE: Don't apologize.

Hit him again.

He's Batman.

He can take it.

BOTH: We give up.

VOICE: Oh, man.

You guys aren't even trying.

I need to raise the stakes.

Sweet, now try the same trick on these guys.

Better move it.

Those swords are sharp.

Ooh.

Flat
-sided defensive att*ck.

No heads go flying, but it stings in the morning.

Enough.

Show yourself.

VOICE: All you had to do is ask, Batman.

After all, I'm your number one fan.

My fan? The biggest.

And they call you? My real name's unpronounceable to humans but you can call me Bat
-Mite.

Okay.

Well, then.

That was really cool, the way you took care of those ninjas.

I bet you could take on three times as many.


-You're not from around here, are you?
-I'm from the fifth dimension.

Beings from my realm have powers that you 3
-Ds take for magical.

A friend of mine in Metropolis told me about menaces like you.

I'm not a menace.

You're my hero.

Green Arrow's gonna love this.

BAT
-MITE: Green Arrow? Pee
-yooh! Flash, Plastic Man, please.

They're not fit to buff your Batarang.

I got tired of watching those losers take up valuable screen time.

So I'm here to help you take your rightful place as the greatest hero of all time.

Go home, kid.

I think we'll start with your costume.

What's wrong with my costume? It’s all wrong.

Imposing, but too Dracula.

Too dashing.

Too campy.

Too icky.

Too confusing.


-Too psycho.


-Stop.

I don't fight crime because I want praise as a hero.

I do it because there are criminals there too dangerous for police to handle.

Now you're talking.

I'll put you in a fight with the most powerful villain ever and the world will see how great you are at taking him down.

Here he is, Gorilla Grodd.

Ah.

Overexposed.

I know.

Solomon Grundy.

[GROWLING AND GRUNTING]

No, Shaggy Man.


-Calendar Man.


-Calendar Man.

Calendar Man?
-Now, if 30 days hath September.

BATMAN: Ahem.

Batman? But how? I hadn't even begun my new holiday crime spree.

I'll explain later.

Take a dive.

Uh.

Oof? [FAKE
-GROANING]

There, I defeated your villain of choice.

Now, will you go home? Whoa, whoa, that was never a fair fight.

You've got skills and weapons.

All he's got is a daily planner.

Let's bump him up a notch.

Calendar Man.

You are now Calendar King with the power to bring any holiday icon to life.

Really?
-Live the dream, big sh*t.


-Yes.

I'll take an army of Halloween jack
-o'
-lanterns.

A legion of biker Santas.

And a company of uber
-patriotic Uncle Sams.

Happy holidays, Batman.

This is so cool.

[GRUNTING]

Well played, caped crusader.

Seems you need reinforcements.

What to send next? k*ller robot leprechauns? Angry pilgrims? Hah! I have it.

Mutant Easter bunnies.

Easter bunnies?
-Really?
-What's wrong with bunnies? I'm just having second thoughts.

All these creatures might be too over the top to be Batman villains.

I really don't see how.

Let's see what other Batman fan boys think.

[BELCHES]

Yes, you've got a question? I always felt Batman was best suited in the role of gritty, urban, crime detective.

But now you guys have him up against Santas and Easter bunnies.

I'm sorry, but that's not my Batman.

MAN 1 [WHISPERING]

Possibly correct, maybe we need some testing
-to see if it's.

MAN 2: It’s gonna be okay.

Here, read this.

''Batman's rich history allows him to be interpreted in a multitude of ways.

To be sure, this is a lighter incarnation but it's no less valid and true to the character's roots as the tortured avenger crying out for Mommy and Daddy.

'' And besides, those Easter bunnies looked really scary, right? [CHATTERING]

FAN: True that.


-Really scary.


-Meh.


-Okay then, mutant bunnies are a go.

What's left to throw at him? A squadron of scolding mothers
-
- Oh! [GROANING]

Yay! I knew you could do it.

Where did he go? Oh, back to wherever it was I plucked him from.

Now, let's talk k*ller Moth.

Wait, Bat
-Mite.

lf you truly value my abilities
-
- Oh, I do.

I do.

You know I do, Batman.


-
-you wouldn't want me to waste them in pointless fights, would you? No, not really.

Then we both agree it would be best if you returned to your home dimension and let me continue to fight crime in peace, right?
-Right, but I still think I could
-
-
-Give you an official Batarang.

And I'll sign it.

Deal! Thanks, pal.

You're the greatest.


-What just happened?
-I'm not sure.

Hey, Bats, did you hear this weird little voice kind of heckling you? No.

Hi, Ace.

You won't believe what I went through tonight.

[PANTING]

Spent most of it dealing with a weird little creep from another dimension.

[BARKS]

Right.

That's how I feel.

Don't worry.

I tricked the pest into going home.

BATMAN: Uh
-oh.

BAT
-MITE: Weird little creep, am l? A pest, am l? Okay, Batman.

I'll show you a pest.

[GROWLING]

Stop this, Bat
-Mite, now.

BAT
-MITE: The great Batman.

Ha! I thought you were my hero.

All right then.

lf you won't be my hero, then you'll be my toy.

And just like a toy, I'll play with you until you break.

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTING]

That's right, little toy, keep moving.

It’s the only way you'll stay in one piece.

[BAT
-MITE CHUCKLES]

The only way, huh? Good, I can't wait to see how you smash that monster.

I'll bet he uses a Bat
-b*mb.

No, no.

He'll use his Bat
-ray.

You're both wacky.

He'll use his Bat
-monster repellent.

Guys, FYI, Batman's just sitting there.

What gives? You're not trying to save yourself.


-That's right.

BAT
-MITE: Hold everything.

What are you up to? I've had enough.

I'd rather end things here and now than exist as the plaything of some all
-powerful brat.

But you can't just lie down and die.

You're a hero.

You're Batman.

Well, since you know so much about me, why don't you be Batman? Me? That's nuts.

I can't be Batman, can l? You have the power.

Go on, turn yourself into Batman.

But I couldn't.

I mean, I've only watched you from afar.

I never dreamed I could actually be
-
-
-Really?
-Like you told Calendar Man: ''Live the dream, big sh*t.

'' Yes, I'll do it.

Now, follow my voice and do exactly as I say.

BATMAN: It’s nighttime in Gotham City, sirens wail in an alley.

A caped figure lands on a rooftop.


-This is awesome sauce.

BATMAN: Yeah.

Suddenly, an alarm rings out at the science museum.

[ALARM RINGING]

It’s Gorilla Grodd.

He's stolen an experimental w*apon that will enhance his mind
-control powers.

Stop him, Batman.

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTS]

You must fight him on his own terms.

Right.

No, I meant out
-think him.

Grodd considers himself a genius first and an ape second.

Out
-think him.

I'm sure there's a clever gizmo in my utility belt I can use.

Gotta be something.

Irony, good.

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

Oof! [PANTING]

Surrender, criminals.

You can't hide from Batman.

[GASPS]

Mr.

Polka
-Dot, the Polka
-Dot Man.

Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

k*ller Moth.

Mr.

Zero.

Kite Man.

And Zebra
-Man.

You're all going down! Oh, crumbs.

[GRUNTING]

[WHIMPERING]

[PANTING]

Don't run.

Gather your wits.

Confront your enemies.

I can't.

My imagination is running away with me.

[SCREAMS]

Let me go.

Huh? [SCREAMING]

BAT
-MITE Oh, no.

It’s Tiger Shark.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[CACKLES]

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

This is not going as well as I planned.

[RUMBLING]

So many of them.

I can't fight them all.

Ooh! [GRUNTING]

Help me, Batman.

BATMAN: Are you sure? I don't wanna steal the spotlight from the Dark
-Mite detective.

I'm sure.

I'm sure.

[GRUNTING]

[BEEPING]

He's doing it.

Maybe if I really concentrate.

[GRUNTING]

[YOWLS]

I'm sorry, Batman.

I'm no hero, just a failure in a playsuit that my mom made.

You have powers that put other magic users to shame.

Be proud of that.

Someone that powerful shouldn't blindly follow in my footsteps.

I guess that's true, huh? Thanks for helping me see the light and for letting me hang with you for a while.

Whew.

What a night.

At least I sent the little guy home happy.

Hopefully he'll stay there.

[WHINES]

Just checking.

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

VOICE: That was great.

Hi, Green Arrow.

I'm your biggest fan.

That's all folks!