03x02 - Once Upon an Ed/ For Your Ed Only

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling]

[Humming]

Race you to bed!

[Crash]

[Giggles] stop
tickling me, plank.

Ha ha ha! You b*at me
again, you jackrabbit, you!

You want a bedtime story?

Ok, let's read this one...

[Owl hoots]

Hmm... "Dicky
pafford had a farm,

And on the farm
was a lonely stump."

[Thud]

[Thudding and creaking]

[Muffled scream]

[Knock knock]

Did you hear that, plank?

We got wall weasels!

Who's there?

Eeeh!

Oh, great, my leg's caught.

Break it up. Get out
of the way. Make room.

I think I'm sitting on a nail.

My turn!

Jonny: hey!

Hmm... How'd you
get inside my wall?

What's that?

Plank says take a hike
or we'll call the cops.

Eddy: hey, plank.

Ever take a tour of
a toothpick factory?

Edd: eddy, manners.

Assess the situation.

Jonny deserves an explanation.

Now, if someone could
just redirect their foot...

I'd be happy to tell
jonny the story.

We're getting a new
bedtime story, plank!

Woohoo!

Well, let's see now...
The story begins...

Oh, come on! Ed's
drooling on my head!

Edd: there's an art
to storytelling, eddy.

One must use a palette of words

To paint images,
blend sentences,

And project them
in an interesting way.

Boring!

Yeah. Boring!

See? Jonny's got
your number, double d.

Mmm...

Eddy: let me tell you
the story, jonny boy.

[Dog barking, birds chirping]

I was strolling down the
sidewalk... Same old, nothing special...

When kevin rides up and says...

Uh, excuse me, mr. Eddy,

Nice day for a
walk, isn't it, sir?

And I say, "hey, kev. Is that
a flat tire you got there?"

He looks down... And bam!

What a sap! [Chuckles]

Good one, mr. Eddy.
Ha ha! I'm such a dork.

[Laughing]

Eddy, voice-over: with that, I
figured I'd take a shortcut.

Through my lavish estate

And pop in on my modest
jawbreaker bank...

Just to harass the help.

Edd: please sign on the
dotted line, rolf, thank you.

Take care of my jawbreaker,
as I'm a simpleton, yes?

You're welcome.

I am a lump.

Greetings, citizens!

Rolf: mr. Eddy!

[Excited talking and cheering]

He's so self-absorbed.

My public.

Mr. Eddy, mr. Eddy!

Is that a new suit?

Can I touch it? Huh? Can i?

Good day, mr. Eddy.
It's me double d.

How are you today, sir?

Get to work, slacker.

Yes, indeedy. No shirking
in this department.

Not here.

[Eddy clears throat]
I'm about to speak.

Since I'm executive
president and owner of

The international bank
of jawbreakers, inc.,

Drop your jawbreaker
and get lost!

The bank's closed.

But, hey, don't forget
to come back tomorrow,

'Cause I love you.

[Cheering]

Ow! Ooh! Ow!

Eddy, voice-over: once I got
rid of the commoners,

It was time to
check on the stash.

[Ed chuckles]

[Eddy laughing maniacally]

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Mr. Eddy, shall I
begin the inventory?

Get on with it, slouch.

Ed, top floor, pronto.

Watch your step, mr. Eddy.

Come on, come on.

That's the one, ed.

Japan flavor. Come to papa.

Ed! Don't touch.
You're an employee.

Edd: agony! Agony!

As many times as I've
gone over these numbers,

They don't add up!

Eddy: you obviously made a
mistake in the correlation.

Between the gross revenues
and the sum of the square root

Minus a piece of pie.

Oh, what was I thinking?

You're a genius, mr. Eddy.

Oh...[Lips smacking]

Edd: the square
root of a piece of pie?

What?

Pure fiction, eddy.

Your exaggerated tale could
only be described as cockamamie.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I have never heard
such language.

Jonny: don't stop now.

What happened next?
What happened next?!

Control yourself, jonny.

Continuing from
where eddy left off...

The discomfort began
with jimmy's arrival

To my correctly
designed jawbreaker bank.

[Jimmy humming]

Oh, happy day. A customer.

Get the pigeon... Get him!
Grab the jawbreaker... Take it!

It's mine!

How mortifying.

Good day, jimmy.
Don't we look special.

Care to show me
your unbridled smile?

Mm-hmm.

Impeccable.

I'd like to make a deposit.

At edd's jawbreaker
bank, we pride our...

Give me the jawbreaker!

Jimmy's a sucker! Take
it from him! It's mine.

It's rude to interrupt, eddy!

Where was i?

We pride ourselves in
customer satisfaction and...

[Gurgling]

Ed?

My apologies, jimmy.

But ed can't help himself
sometimes... Lovable oaf.

Let me have it!

So that I could put it in
our jawbreaker vault?

I see signs of progress, eddy.

[Chomp]

My hands! My
jawbreaker! Eddy germs!

Help! They're after
me. I'm so delicate.

Edd: what are you doing?!

[Whimpers]

Ohh... Ahem.

I hope you're proud
of yourselves.

You've driven away
another customer.

It's baffling, I tell you!

Your deep-rooted
lack of self-control

Only fosters failure in
every endeavor we undertake.

I mean, it's always
one step forward

And two steps back!

Why? Don't you see the
example I try to set for you?

Take note, as I am...

[Eddy's voice] a
stupid sockhead!

And a babbling dweeb
who can't lift a butterfly.

I wish I was as
good-looking as eddy.

[Eddy chuckles]

Boy, this story stinks.

Plank and I want a real story

With stuff like octopus' gardens,
silver hammers, and mr. Kite!

Open a window, jonny,
and get some air.

And so it went...

For, little did ed,
edd n' eddy know

That deep in the intestines
of the trailer park

The canker sisters
were planning to foil

The brave ed's attempts with
over-radiated mashed potatoes.

[Gasps] slowly, one by one, they
would devour the tainted spuds.

[Screaming]

[Gags]

[Screaming continues]

Blah, blah. Blah blah
blah. Blah blah blah!

Yap yap, blah blah,
dribble dribble dribble.

[Thud]

Hey! What's going on?

Yappy yap-yap.

Something big, ed boy.

Gather your inadequate
friends and flee!

Flee in the name of
lance the rhubarb!

Kevin: I'm dorkin', man.

[Laughing]

Jimmy: oh, my legs.

I can't go on, sarah... Aah!

Farewell, cruel world!

Come on, jimmy, you can do it!

[Screaming]

Baby sister!

[Laughing maniacally]

Your time has come, canker! Ooh!

[Laughing]

Ohhh!

Ha ha ha ha!

Evil soap!

Deodorant!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

[Spluttering] blah blah blah!

Quick! In here!

Canker!

[Evil laughter]

Yap! Yap!

Mmm...

Yab yab yab.

Cankers!

Ed, your story's getting weird.

Mmm... [Shivering]

Aaaah!

[Gagging]

I'm a minor... Stop!

Blah blah blah!

[Fanfare]

Now it's my turn!

[Engine roars]

Cankers!

Yap!

[Screaming]

[Laughing]

[Fly buzzing]

Ow!

[Sputtering]

[All screaming]

Yeow! Ow!

Ooh! Yeow! Ohh!

[Groaning]

Ha ha!

Cankers?

Cankers!

[Cankers laughing]

We have found shelter!

Aaah!

All right!

Ed: whoa!

And stuck in your
wall we are. The end.

Edd: gracious, ed. What an
enchanted world you live in.

I got a cramp listening to you.

Ok, jonny, there's your story.

How's about prying
us out of your wall?

[Muttering]

Shh! He is sleeping.

Way to go, hemingway!

It was your part
that put him to sleep.

[Wall creaks]

What was that? Did you hear it?

I don't have a good
feeling about this.

I don't have any feeling at all.

[Chainsaw humming]

Hiya, boys!

What's good-looking guys like
you doing in a place like this?

All: it's a never-ending story!

[Laughing]

Jonny, wake up! Get
a crowbar, quick!

[Muttering]

Eddy: where'd they go?

I don't know. I was
looking at jonny.

My underwear's
riding high, guys.

Yah!

Eddy!

Oh, my!

Mommy!

First sister: come to mama!

Second sister: give
me a piece of that.

Jonny, help!

Tickle, tickle.

No! Stop! Wait!

[Laughing]

[Moaning and laughing]

[Jonny snores]

[Growling]

Aah!

I'm in my happy place, double-d!

Edd: wow, it seems my formula.

For inordinate bubble gum

Exceeded all expectations.

Ed, are you blowing a bubble?

Heavens, I don't
have data for this!

[Laughing]

Edd: inhale, ed!

Reverse your breathing!

Hey, where you
going with my gum?

Is that a hot air balloon?

What's it to ya?

Oh, heh heh heh.

Why, of course it
is, johnny, my boy.

One seat left for
the trip of a lifetime.

You're so full of it, eddy.

We at ed's hot air tours
will only charge you cents.

Hey! Cough up, you freeloader!

Um, ed?

Whoa!

[Laughing]

Edd: stay calm!

Curse my inventive ways.

No sudden movements, now.

Do you hear me?

What did he say?

Race you to the top, plank.

How 'bout giving me a break
once in a while, speedy?

Johnny, stay in your seat!

Oh, dear.

Woo-hoo!

Hey, double-d!

Your gum's indestructible!

Astro-dorks at o'clock.

Awesome.

Ha ha ha! Aah!

I'm falling!

[Screaming]

Huh? Hmm.

Wow! China!

Just like in the cartoons.

If my calculations are correct,

The should have
landed... In sarah's room.

I'm a borg.

Ed, do you realize
you've damaged...

Nay, destroyed sarah's bedroom?

Eddy, get up! Hurry!

We need to find tacks,
fabric, and a lathe.

Hmm.

Well, what do you know?

It's sarah's diary.

Let's make some
popcorn and read it.

It's sarah's, eddy!

Put it back!

Get away from it!

Edd: I'll take that.

Thank you.

Ed's right, eddy.

A diary is a written record

Of one's private and
personal thoughts.

Fortunately, there will be no
reading of this intimate ledger,

Not while I'm present.

At last, my revenge!

[Laughing]

Sarah: what the heck are
you talking about, jimmy?

Tai chi, sarah, the
art of relaxation.

Everybody's doing it.

It's sarah!

We are so doomed!

Help me, guys.

She'll tell mom, and
mom will tell dad,

And he'll say, "not now, I
just got home from work."

Hmm.

I'm not in my happy place, eddy!

Where am I supposed to put this?

Jimmy: you find a quiet space.

And stretch your muscles.

Soothing.

Boy, that's stupid.

Sarah: come on, let's
try on shoes, jimmy.

Double-d, think fast.

Oh, that was brilliant, eddy.

I've got it!

Jimmy: it was such a
cute squirrel, too.

Oh, no!

Ed!

Wait till I get my
hands on that... That...

My room's a wreck!

A rose by any other name

Would smell as sweet, sarah.

Oh, jimmy!

This is a full-pager
for my diary.

[Gasp]

My diary!

Quickly, we need to
find sarah's diary, eddy,

Or who knows what she'll do.

I know what she'll do,

And it won't be fresh linen.

Well put, ed.

Ok, enough looking.

But, eddy... The diary.

I'm in my happy place, double-d.

I'm sure it will turn up, sarah.

[Growling]

Where is it?

Wow, sarah,

Can you, like, yell any louder?

Take a hike, doll face.

Sarah's diary is missing.

Oh, man, that's horrible.

Yeah, a real drag.

No problem.

Kevin and I can
help you find it.

Oh, man.

No sign of sarah, eddy.

[Snickering]

Is there something you'd
like to share with us?

Uh, no.

What's your problem?

Hand it over, eddy.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Ed.

Just as I thought.

You ran off with sarah's diary!

It's saturated in drool,

And its spine is bent.

We can't return
it in this condition.

Good, because I haven't
started reading it yet.

Ed: I'm not in my
happy place, guys!

I'm really not
enjoying this, eddy.

Ok, I've had about enough now.

Ta-da!

I'm losing it. I'm losing it.

Bingo! Take , lumpy.

Double-d lost it all
over the ground, eddy.

Ha ha! Listen to this!

"Dear diary,
double-d is so cute.

Last night I dreamed
that he gave me a horsey."

Ha ha ha!

A horsey!

Me and sarah?

Sitting in a tree!

K-i-s-s-i-n-g.

Oh, look!

And eddy drawing.

And another.
Eddy: that ain't me.

Edd: seems sarah would like.

To pursue a career in animation.

What a loser.

Oh, look! Eddy is a smudge.

[Laughing]

[Growling]

Don't worry, sarah.

See? We'll find
your diary, honest.

The space beneath
the rock is vacant,

She who gives migraines.

I want my diary.

Speaking of vacant,

Anybody seen dork,
dork, and dorky?

Wow, good thing

That problem
cleared up, huh, ed?

Ha ha ha!

Enough is enough, eddy.

My mind is riddled
with unpleasant images.

I implore you,

Please stop reading the diary.

I knew it! You're busted.

What the...

Way to go, buck-o.

You've reached a new
low in dork history.

Ha! Jealous?

Hasta la vista, baby.

I do apologize

For the abrupt
accommodations, kevin.

C'est la vie!

This show needs subtitles.

We've broken the law!

Not only have we taken
one's personal belongings,

But add to it abduction

And detaining one
against their will!

What to do. What to do.

I could use some help here!

I forget what we're doing.

Edd: that's it!

I suggest we sneak
back to the house,

We bury the book
within its boundaries,

And deceptively plead amnesia.

I like that!

Double-d, that's so underhanded.

Oh, dear, you're right.

Ed: I'm rubbing off
on you, double-d.

Happy place, happy
place, happy place.

Betrayed by my own vocabulary.

Hello?

Jimmy: wait for me, sarah.

Bad mouth. Bad.

Tape!

The coast is clear.

Let's move out.

[Whistling]

Off you go, mister.

Will you move it?

[Thud]

[Laughing]

Oh, this will do fine.

[Growling]

Let's bury that book.

That book's attacking!

Duck!

I'm sweating!

Ah!

Are you all right, double-d?

Well, I deserved that.

What?

Sarah: hey you!

That's my diary!

Aah! Trouble!

Run! Baste a turkey!

You better not
have read anything!

Me? Never.

You should be happy we
found it for you, sarah.

There's drool stains
all over these pages!

You looked at my diary!

Way to go, double-d.

Well, it's been nice knowing ya.

Do something, ed.
She's your sister!

We're goners, eddy!

Give 'em the old one-two,
buckle my shoe, sarah.

Isn't there anything we can
do to make you feel better?

Sarah?

Um, can I help you?

Got it!

She'll never go
for the gum, eddy.

Shut up and start chewing.

Eddy, sarah's getting closer!

Eddy: faster, double-d!

Chew, chew! Come on.

My jaw's cramping.

Hurry, blow a bubble.

Blow a bubble, double-d.

Eddy: see you later, half-pint.

Ed, you get back
here or I'm telling mom!

Don't tell mom, sarah!

I've got ed germs.

Have mercy, child
of the netherworld.

[Crash]

Sarah, thinking: dear diary,

My brother and that stupid eddy

Got what they deserved today.

Double-d looked so innocent,

But you know what they say,

Give those cute ones an
inch, and they'll take a mile.

Once again our day
ends with the of us...

Stuck together
in some nutty way.

But wait, we have
a guest tonight.

I like the way johnny's stuck.

Boy, plank,

How the heck did
we ever end up here?

If you weren't so scared
of turning into chopsticks,

We'd still be in china.

Could somebody scrape
this guy off my shoe?

Please?

♪ Ed, edd n eddy