03x06 - How The Cookie Crumbles

[bunniefuu]

Thanks for giving me

a ride to work, Fitz.

Ooh! Let's swing by Goopy Goobers

and get a Goopy Goober

Gobble Gravy Brisket Biscuit Basket!

What? You've already made me stop

at seven drive

-throughs.

Well, you skipped Taco Bell.

They keep texting me, asking if I'm dead.

Dusty, under no circumstance

am I stopping at Goopy Goobers.

That place is next to the mutant ghetto,

and I can't let them see me.

Oh, I understand.

Yeah, I guess to distract myself,

I'll just have to sing

the Goopy Goobers theme song.

Hope you don't find it annoying.

If you like goop

Then come to Goopy Goobers ♪

If you like goobers

Come to Goopy Goobers ♪

If you like Goopy Goobers

Come to Goopy Goobers ♪

It's the goopiest goobers around! ♪

Now just the Blacks!

I guess I'll do your part.

If you like Goop

We like goop! ♪

Buday Goop y Goob

Praise the Lord, God! ♪

Now just the Mongolian throat singers!

Shut up!

I swear if you don't stop singing,

I'll k*ll us both!

I won't sing it again, Fitz.

I'm gonna cluck it like a chicken!

Now like a Mongolian chicken!

g*dd*mn it.

Can we hurry this up? I wanna get out

of here before a mutant sees me.



- If they find out I'm not in prison



- Would you shut the f*ck up?

Here comes my first Goopy Goober

Gobble Gravy Brisket Biscuit!

It's a biscuit you have to eat

with a fork

lift.

Fitzy, get over here and help me

unhinge my jaw like a snake.

I got you, Hancock. Oh, I finally got you!

f*ck you, you shitbag cumbubble!

f*ck you right up the ass!

Whew! You'll never be able

to top that prank!

Salt.

Did you see that, Karen?

Mm

-hmm. Yeah,

something about a cumbag shitbubble.

No, I said shitbag cumbubble, Karen.

Why would I say cumbag shitbubble?

That makes no sense, Karen.

I pull off the prank of a lifetime,

and you missed it texting?

It's for work.

I'm raising money to rebuild our town.

Well, gee, Karen, you work all the time!

You're a workaholic!

And not the funny

-for

-a

-season

-and

-a

-half

-

then

-unbearable

-for

-six

-years kind either.

I need you there for me.

Oh! Well, this sucks.

I wish I had a better family.

Nobody loves me.

I love you, Dad.

That's what I said. Nobody.

Aw.

g*dd*mn.

I can't believe you annoyed me

into taking you here.



- I'm lucky I didn't get seen by any



- Gerald Fitzgerald?

You're not in prison?

What?

That's not Gerald Fitzgerald, that's

Steve Harvey.

Yeah.

I'm in town to host Family Feud.

Oh! I love Family Feud!

You think I can be on it?

Uh, unfortunately,

as my producer here will tell you,

we're all booked up.

Actually, Steve, I'm not sure how you knew

we were all booked up,

since I handle the schedule,

and we do have an opening

in tonight's show.

Swishy Goldberg,

extremely Jewish producer.

Oy Vader. Mazel tits. How are you?

Excuse us.

I need to have a word with my producer.

What the f*ck are you doing?

Now we gotta actually put on

a Family Feud?

Don't worry about it, babe.

Swishy's gonna handle everything.

Besides, think of what these mutants

will do for our ratings.

What ratings, m*therf*cker?

Sorry,

Steve Harvey's a little bit of an assh*le.

Yeah, everybody knows that.

Hey, Sperman Hemsley.

You probably don't remember me,

but I donated here decades ago.

How could I forget?

You were in a Spider

-Man suit

and yelled "Thwip!" when you came.

Yeah, that's me.

Now, I'd like contact info

for all the babies

that were made with my batter.

My current family sucks,

so I'm gonna bond with my biological boys.

According to our records,

no one bought your sperm,

probably due to your profile photo.

All right, so I sneezed

when the photo was taken. Big deal.

I guess that bike helmet

didn't do me any favors,

but I had to ride my bike here

'cause I was drunk.

That's the only way I can commit

a h*m* act,

touching a man's penis

while a man also touches my penis.

You mean masturbating?

You can call it that

if you wanna get all fancy.

Anyway, I can't believe

no one wanted my jism.

But now I can use it

to finally knock Karen up.

Uh, quick. Let me buy it back.

All right, that'll be $5,000.

Th That's my sperm!

I ain't got that kind of cash!

You know what, I'm gonna take your sperm

and see how you like it.

Hold still

so I can suck it right out of you!

Sorry for kicking your ass, Chief,

but crimes against semen get me worked up.

My church believes life begins at sperm.

That's right, I forgot.

You're a Southern Faptist.

Anyway, don't worry.

My sperm

-stealing days are over.

Who's ready to steal some sperm?



- What?



- Huh?

Oh joy!

You are now code name Cream Team,

and your mission is

to steal my sperm back.

I'll do it, but I want 10%.

Wait

Why in the world would you want

10% of my semen?

To save it.

I got a vault full in my basement.

The boys down at the VFW

like to call me Splooge McDuck.

Splooge McDuck? Splooge McDuck?

Really? Are you f*cking kidding me?

Hopson, every g*dd*mn episode,

it is more sex

-monster bullshit with you.

Now you think we're gonna show you

wearing a top hat and spats

and diving into a vault of jizz?

No f*cking way! No more! I have had it!

You are fired from Paradise PD!

You're kicking me off the force?

No, you're off the g*dd*mn show.

Now, where were we?

Now, this is the nation's

highest security sperm bank,

so you'll have to go in undercover

as a couple.

A lesbian couple.

Once in,

you'll bypass the security measures.

Once you're in the sperm safe,

grab my sample.

So even in your best

-case scenario

fantasy, we get caught?

Getting caught is part of the plan.

They'll call the cops.

Who's gonna answer that call?

Me.

I'll fake arrest you guys,

pocket the sperm,

knock Karen up,

and the baby will fix our relationship.

It's perfect.

Kevin, I love you.

Touch my butt while you tell me how

Alan Moore's The Watchman

is a deconstructionist parable

of the superhero paradigm.

Damn it, Kevin,

this is my best case scenario, not yours.

Hi, I'm a bong with tits.

b*llet!

Hoo hoo. Isn't Karen gonna be surprised

that I can finally impregnate her

once my Cream

robs the Yank Bank.

There, the perfect romantical setting.

Semen soaker's locked on target.

Oh crap! I better get to the station!

Don't wanna miss that 911 call

from the sperm bank.

Oh! sh*t!

Oh, come on, get back

Gotta put this sh*t back

What the

Karen's pregnant?

The late nights.

The texts.

Karen's cheating on me!

Excuse me, sir.

Swishy Goldberg, Family Feud producer.

We asking 100 people,

what's something you might find

in a toolbox?

Oh, f*ck you, you fat m*therf*cker!

Well, that seems to be

the number one answer today.

This is way harder than Dad's fantasy.

Yeah, Chief said lasers,

but I was thinking,

how can the thing that makes

your mom's vag*na

so hairless and awesome possibly hurt?

Wait, how do you know

my mom has a bald vag*na?

Hey, she likes wine. I like peanut butter.

Anyway, we got work to do.

Oh, here's Chief's sample.

Great.

Don't worry. This was the plan.

Dad is probably at the police station

right now, intercepting the 911 call.

All we have to do is relax and wait.

At least we got past

all the dangerous stuff.

Security cobras!

Line 'em up, Joe.

Now that my lying, cheating,

pregnant wife's out of the picture,

I need to get "touch myself" wasted.

Hi, I'm Cookie.

If you don't mind me saying,

any woman who cheats on you is insane.

Golly, miss. You really think so?

Can I buy you a drink?

Baby, I'd love that.

That bald guy with a mustache

has been buying me drinks all night.

He's trying to get me drunk

so I'll touch his d*ck.

I'm not that easy.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I got my hand down his pants right now.

Mm. That is so hot.

Let's get out of here.

You hear that, baldy?

I'm leaving with her.

Well, that's the last time

I buy you drinks,

you f*cking cocktease.

Get the phone, Hopson.

Oh, that's right.

He got a job on some other show.

Hi, baby.

I'm here to teach you how to f*ck.

Ow!

Paradise PD.

A sperm bank robbery?

That's, like, 500 trillion hostages.

I think I hear a siren.

Finally, it's Dad.

Prepare to die, sperm snatchers!

You think I'll go easy on you

because you're a dwarf?

I ain't afraid to

rip the Peter off a Dinklage.

I got a slipped disc!

Oh, it's taint tasing time!

Gina, no! We're not criminals.

It's me!

Ed Sheeran?

I've been waiting for this day.

No, it's Kevin.

Kevin? What the f*ck? Then who's that?

It's b*llet. He's hard to recognize

since you turned him inside out.

Help.

Help me.

It's time to play the Family Feud!

Introducing the Mutant Family.

Eyeball Head, assh*le Shoulder,

Big Brain d*ck Lips, Mr. Pus Bubble,

and Clovis.

And introducing the Hick Family.

Wendell, Robby, Delbert, Donna, and

Is that a g*dd*mn snake

-man?

And welcome our host, Steve Harvey!

I'm Steve Harvey,

and I really really hate being here.

Damn. That's a good Steve Harvey.

Tell us, Wendell,

what do you do for a living?

Well, Mr. Harvey, I'm a sh*t

-picker.

That means I

That's enough out of you.

Uh, Mr. Mutant, that's a nice pus bubble.

How long you had it?

Brah brah brah!

Mm

-hmm.

You know what?

Let's just start the f*cking feud.

We asked 100 people,

how much have you saved for retirement?

Three sh*t

-covered pennies.



- Ooh! Good answer, Daddy. Good answer!



- Huzzah.



- Hmm. Show me three sh*t

-covered pennies.



- Here they are.

That's three strikes,

you nasty m*therf*cker.

Let's see if the mutants

can come up with an answer.

The one with the giant exposed brain

and the d*ck lips certainly looks smart.

After careful consideration,

the answer we're going to go with is

Brah brah brah!

g*dd*mn.

Show me brah brah brah.

I'll be in my dressing room,

making an intern cry

and saying bad sh*t about women.

That is a good Steve Harvey.

Ah, gorgeous.

The only thing more magical than this view

has been our time together.

Cookie, they say

it only happens once in a man's life,

but I've found my soulmate.

Will you marry me?

Oh, Randall!

I only have one thing to say.

I

gotcha!

You stupid idiot!

I planted that fake pregnancy test

in your home,

picked you up at the bar,

made passionate love to you for hours,

and tricked you into

falling in love with me!

Now, we're almost even

for the salt shaker prank.

So

that's a no?

I didn't say that.

Your 20 seconds starts now. And



- Name your favorite flavor of ice cream.



- Tits.



- How many kids in a grade school class?



- Tits.

Name something that rhymes with grits.



- Pass.



- What's going on here?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Steve Harvey.

How did you know about this?

I got a Google alert

someone ordered giant fake teeth

and a big

-ass purple suit.

I knew what the f*ck was going on.

Two Steve Harveys?

One of them must be an impostor!

But which one?

Well, there's only one way to determine

who's the real Steve Harvey.

A joke

-off.

Okay. Okay. Um

I'm Steve Harvey,

and here's my Steve Harvey joke.

Um, uh, you ever fart in the bathtub

then turn around and bite the bubbles?

Holy sh*t,

that's the most Steve Harvey joke

I ever heard!

But wait, if you're Steve Harvey,

then who am I?

There can only be one!

What did you do?

I can't believe

you Obi Wan

-ed Steve Harvey!

No wonder all these mutants

hate your little guts, Fitz!

Fitz?

It's Gerald Fitzgerald!

He's not in prison! Get him!

Oopsers. Me and my big mouth.

Don't worry, Fitz,

I'll hold them off while you run.

I know their weakness,

the very thing that mutated them.

Oh no, I forgot,

it's also my weakness. Run!

I don't think I can hold me off

any longer!

I'm coming unhinged!

Uh



- So, uh, Paris was, uh, nice.



- Yeah.

So I have a question.

You know them 14 hours we made love?

How exactly did that work?

I had surgery

to get my ass turned around backward.

Oh yeah, that makes sense.

Hey, uh

I was good, right?

Best I ever had.

I guess one of us needs to let go.

I don't know how.

Well, because of the country's new

"life begins at cumshot" law,

you dipshits

are looking at the death penalty.

I would welcome death.

Don't worry.

I spoke with the owner of this place,

and he's willing to drop the charges

if you can replace

the three trillion sperm you m*rder*d.

There's only one person

with access to that much nut milk.

Hopson, come back to Paradise.

We need your help, please.

No, no, I like my new job here

on this complex,

intelligent, animated series.

They understand that

when I stick my cock through a mail slot,

it's a metaphor

for the futility of existence.

That's why the fans of this show say

you have to have a high IQ to watch it.

Wow.

I wish we were a show that made stupid,

crusty virgins feel smart.

Oh, you just don't get it.

I'm up for an Emmy for my monologue

about how quantum physics relate to

Mickey Rooney's moist, delicious butthole.

Just ask the star of the show.

He loved it.

All right, let's go.

Hopson,

thanks for giving up your life savings

to keep us out of the electric chair.

Oh, it's the least I could do

for my friends.

I just want to do this once more

for old times' sake.

I'm Splooge McDuck!

Whee!

Ah, f*ck it. It is what it is.

Randall,

I've been looking everywhere for you.



- Where have you been?



- Oh, Hancock got his ass turned around

and tricked me into flying to Paris

for 14 hours of hot but tender sex.

I mean, Costco.

Costco? Oh, okay.

Look, I'm sorry I've been so busy.

I love you.

"I love you"?

Now, that sounds like

something Hancock would say!

g*dd*mn it, Hancock,

I am not falling for

this f*cking sh*t again!

Take off that mask!

Geez! My bad!

No Hancock,

just an angry skull under there.

Honey, I'm sorry I ripped your face off.

How do I look?

Oops! My bad!

Bee

-yoop!

Ooh, something incredible

showed up in your blood work.

You're pregnant!

But I haven't had sex with anyone

but Randall.

Isn't that impossible? I'm sterile.

Yes. I have a theory on how this happened.

You see, every man

has a Spermtropolis

located here, in his balls.

Hey, is this Goo York City?

That's right, pal.

It's the City of Creams,

Man

-Splatten, the Big Fapple!

Then Kevin got ahold of your g*n.

They say if you make it here,

you'll make it

Oh my God!

Despite the massive damage,

one brave sperm survived.

For 15 long years,

that sperm refused to die

until it was finally able to,

medically speaking,

swim past Karen's piss flaps.

Karen, this is amazing! I love my life!

Gerald Fitzgerald is free.

What do we do?

He must pay for what he did to us.

Who are you?

I'm your new leader

with a mysterious identity.

Now, I bet you wish you knew who I am,

but you won't be finding out anytime soon.

I plan to keep hidden from everyone.

g*dd*mn it, who flicked the switch?

We could barely see you.

That's how I want it

after being mutated beyond recognition.

Look at this hideous mutation.

The radiation gave you giant testicles?

Giant my ass!

The radiation shrank my testicles by 5%!

Look at these g*dd*mn baby balls!

I couldn't bear to have my family see me

in this repulsive form,

so I faked my own death.

I won't rest

until Fitzgerald feels our pain.

Brah brah brah!

That's right, Meg Ryan.

Brah brah brah, indeed.