01x04 - Bench-Clearing Bawl

[bunniefuu]

Ooh!
Sorry, me.

I'm home!
Yeah, that works.

Sorry, sewing machine,
you're out.

Sonia,
it's your lucky day.

You broke
your sewing machine.

I remembered this
because you spent

a whole session
talking about it,

and it seemed
so inconsequential

I wanted to drive chopsticks
through my ears.

You listened.

I needed to make some room.

This was Janie's,
I don't sew, it's yours.

- Yay!
- Not so fast.

Not so fast?

With this machine,
you sew very fast.

Yeah.
No, what I mean is,

it's a really big deal
to start

giving Janie's possessions
away.

Now it's certainly part
of moving on,

but you want to be
emotionally prepared.

Okay, one second.

Yeah,
I'm emotionally prepared.

And, there are
no memories attached?

Memories of what?

Janie being
a terrible sewer?

You should see the shirt
she tried to make me.

She made you
a shirt?

Nope.
Not doing that,

not the point
of the story.

What's the crown?

That was
a Janie thing.

I begged her to take my name,
so "Janie King,"

which she thought was silly,
but she leaned into it.

So, the crown
and the initials.

What is wrong
with you people?

How do you
go see a pixar movie?

You must be shrieking
the entire time.

It was just practical.

I just needed the space.

- For what?
- A cardboard, life-sized me.

Dude, I defend you
when you're not here.

- Make it easier.
- Ryan...

We're here to be honest
with our feelings,

not suppress them.

Now your wife loved you
so much

that she sewed you a shirt
to clothe your body.

And you gave
that precious machine away.

We have tissues.

And a safe space.

Lauren and I
pledge allegiance to the flag...

How did he not cry?

I always cry when I get
the heart hand.

Yeah, yeah.
When Lauren goes for the cry,

she gets her cry.
I don't "go for the cry."

- What?
- Of course you do.

It's a gift.

You sense someone's wounded,
then you circle them

with a bunch of
"how does that make you feels,"

and then you pounce,
like an emotional cheetah.

I'm just
not your average "wildabeest."

"Wilderbeest?"
Wildebeest.

Crying is not something
I can do to you.

Do I think that crying
can be cathartic?

Yes.

Do I wish to Foster
an environment in which

everyone feels comfortable
letting go...

Why?

God. Why?

The emotional cheetah,

jaws bloody
from her fresh k*ll,

disappears
into the African night.

No!

Go On 1x04
Bench-Clearing Brawl
Original Air Date on September 25, 2012

Carrie! Carrie!

Any word
from Jeremy Roenick?

- Is he gonna let me play?
- You know,

I didn't get a chance
to call him yet.

Did you hear the news?

A spot opened up
in Jeremy Roenick's

pickup hockey game.

I've been trying to get
in that game for five years.

NHL-ers, celebs,

guys named "guy,"
but it's pronounced "ghee."

Carrie's gonna get me in.

So do it, you know.
Call now.

Because the talent
needs to be happy.

I don't wanna have to go
all diva on you.

I'm the talent,
I'm the talent.

Yeah, you are, brother.

You already called,
didn't you?

- Yeah.
- Roenick hates Ryan.

- Yeah.
- Most athletes do.

You'd think there'd be
no downside

to constantly
insulting people

on the air.

So nothing worked
on Roenick, huh?

Not even
the dead wife card?

The what?

I forget.
You're young and pretty,

people just give you things.

Let me show you
how the rest of us behave.

Roenick!

Whassup, beantown?

'Cause you're from Boston,
bro.

Anyway,
it's Steven down at k-bal.

I heard Ryan King was sniffing
around your game.

I know!
Man's a jerk.

Yeah, hey,
I was driving him home

from his wife's funeral...

- That's a fishing Rod.
- Yeah, got it.

I suppose it is sad.

What's that?
No, no, he's not doing well.

But, listen,
the important thing is,

you've got a game,
and he bugs you.

Yeah.

Well, I guess that would be
the human thing to do.

I'm the talent,
I'm the talent.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

Had to pick up hockey gear
for my game with Jeremy Roenick.

Gonna play hockey
with Jeremy Roenick.

He's a former NHL player.

Yeah, that sound
doesn't work for everything.

Sit down,
we're making collages.

- Really?
- Really.

It's a way
to express yourself

using images
instead of words.

This side represents
our past.

Memories that, at times,

people may avoid
getting in touch with.

Like, people who carelessly
give away sewing machines?

All people.

This side represents
what we want for our future.

Now, I don't like to bring
my personal life into the group,

so I made my collage

for Katniss Everdeen
from the Hunger games.

Lauren,

just when I thought
you couldn't get me any more.

Katniss is stoic.

She suffered a great loss
in her past.

Is this happening,
what I'm seeing right now?

Is this
actually happening?

On this side, we have
a bow and arrow

she made for herself
from the woods beyond the fence,

a meager loaf of bread,
and flames.

What does she want
for her future?

A baby...

A canopy bed,
and goats.

Ryan, look at my collage.

I see you.

God...

Ok, knock it off.

So, group,

a good friend of mine
is getting married.

But I don't know
if I can face it.

I haven't been to a wedding
since Patty d*ed.

- You should go.
- Yes.

Maybe you will meet someone new
like Mr. Patty.

Get the penis, and everything
will be good again.

That's not really
the endgame, sweetie.

It's just
so complicated.

Yeah, I know.

I've blown off
three weddings myself.

It's the whole
"plus one" thing, right?

- Yes.
- Yeah, because

we're minus one.
It's horrible.

Yes. King...
Same page.

Ooh, yeah,
look at her.

You can have this back
after group.

How much
do you want to go?

A lot.

She's really
one of my best friends.

I know I'll regret it
if I don't.

But to face it alone?

No, you don't have
to go alone.

I'll be
your plus one.

Now.

Yeah, all right, fine.

That is
a very sweet gesture,

but on the other hand
you can be quite grating.

I think it would be
really nice

for you two
to experience that together.

All right,

just let me
think about it.

Don't think about it
too long,

or she'll go in
for the cry.

I'm in.

And cry denied.

Michael Vartan.
This is a celebrity game.

Wasn't Alies big,
like, ten years ago?

Wasn't radio big,
like, 100 years ago?

- Yo, Roenick!
- Let's play.

Come on, Ryan!

It's all you,
it's all you!

Go easy, man,
his wife d*ed.

Doin' it! Yeah!

That's it,
that's it.

I am having the best game
of my life.

I really think I'm starting
to get in their heads.

- You're a beast!
- Yeah, I am!

A severely delusional
beast.

Is he really buying
all this?

It's part of the wonder
that is Ryan.

He's not looking for clues
that he's not awesome.

What are you guys
talking about, how great I am?

Mm hmm!

Whose Puck?

My Puck!

No one's better, baby!

No one!

Goooooooooal!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah!

I just lost
a contact lens.

Hey, is...
Is he all right?

Not in here.

But this,
what you're doing,

it helps.

Yo, Roenick!
Get back on D, princess!

Do you think those glasses
make you look smarter?

No, I think
they help me see.

Because they don't make you
look smarter.

That's right,
get it all out of the way now.

You're about to be very happy
that I'm here.

I may be a little rusty,
but I know

how to show a lady
a good time.

I'll get you drinks,
I'll hold your purse,

you will want for nothing.

And one more thing.

I haven't said this
to you because...

You scare me, but...

You look beautiful.

All right, King.

You're on the board.

I'm on the board.

You know what
I'm just realizing?

This wedding is
a lesbian wedding.

You know what's amazing about
this country at this moment?

It's a seamless tapestry.

A continuum of love
and orientations...

Stop trying so hard.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Excuse me.

Monday's show was amazing.

Hey, thanks.

Seems like a smart crowd.

Mm.

Are you seeing
what I'm seeing, woman-wise?

There's a girl over there
who's checking one of us out,

and, if the demographic
holds up,

- she ain't lookin' at me.
- Sparkly top?

Ever since we got here.

Well, maybe you should
go talk to her.

Maybe you should
suck on a.

You know, I had
laker tickets tonight.

Just go over there.

You don't have to marry her
or anything.

If you did, though,
it wouldn't be noteworthy...

- Stop.
- All right.

Wait a minute.

If you knew
that she was looking at you,

then you must've been
looking at her.

Which means you two
were looking at each other!

It means no such thing.

All right, fine,
I'll drop it.

It's your life.
I'm gonna go get a drink

and try to find anyone
who's making out with anyone.

My God.

Okay, I spoke to the lady
in the sparkly top.

King.

She is very cool,

her name is Sasha.
She's a Professor at UCLA.

Single mom.
She's got two kids.

Wait, she's got kids?
I've got kids.

We get together, we all
move into a split-level ranch,

hire a wisecrackin' maid,

it's the lady bunch.

Okay, first of all,
I would totally watch that show.

No! I don't want that.
I'm not ready.

That's not what this night is.

Well, that's what
it's become.

This is what happens
on nights with me.

- Things get great!
- Hi.

I'm Sasha.
You must be Anne.

Okay.

Excuse me.

I just want
to say thanks.

I love your take
on everything.

You're bold and funny
and smoking hot.

It's because
of journalists like you

that weddings like this
are happening.

Do you think
I'm Rachel Maddow?

Back on the ice tomorrow,
I'm gonna start a fight.

I think I can take
a couple of these guys.

Yeah, or... you could not
piss off the angry giants.

Doesn't sound
like something I would do.

Sorry!

Why do you hit harder
than Jeremy Roenick?

Because she's got those big,
midwestern cow-tipping thighs.

Whole lotta
down-there strength.

Am I right, Carrie?

So I was coming to tell you
that Lauren called,

and she wanted to know
if you were okay.

I gave away
a stupid sewing machine.

You know what?
Just to show her

how great I am,
call her, and invite her

and the rest of the weirdos
to the next game.

The problem with John
from Reseda is

he's too young to remember
Jack Nicklaus.

The golden bear,
the ol' buckeye.

Sonia, it's beautiful.

I loved
making this collage.

I cried.

I wanted you to see it
right away, so I decided to use

one of those
photo-sharing sites.

It was easier
than I thought.

They walk you
through the tough parts,

just like you.

Sonia, do you mind
if I send this link to Ryan?

I think it might
really inspire him.

- Yes, you can.
- Thank you.

Jack Nicklaus in his prime?

No one got the ball higher.

I mean,
Jack Nicklaus was

every bit the golfer
as Tiger Woo...

Tiger Woo...

What's happening?

God...
Is he crying?

Jam him!

Dump him!

De-volume him!

I'm sorry, fans.
I'm just gonna need a minute.

Dude.

- Lauren?
- No!

We'll be back

after this message
from a hotel,

where a businessman
has to spend the night

away from his family.

I always get the cry.

Don't play that one.

Hey everybody!

Heard any good radio lately?

No. We heard
your show, though.

There it is,
amateurs making zingers.

That's what I've been
dealing with

for the last 24 hours.

You know what
they're calling me?

"Cryin' King."

Congratulations, Lauren,
you got your cry.

It was not my intention
to make you cry at work.

Really? Where was it
your intention to make me cry?

Did you want me to cry
on the way over here,

when I saw a bus bench ad
for the boys club?

'Cause I did.

You want me to cry
when I saw a hat

fly off of an old man's head?
'Cause I did.

Baby bird alone?

Bicycle with a flat tire?

Closed-down restaurant?
Did, did, did.

"cryin'" King!

No. I am not gonna be amused
by your weirdness right now.

Lauren, you were right.

I should not have given away
the sewing machine.

But I did, and now I can't stop
thinking about it.

Do you want me
to give it back?

You would do that
for me?

What have you
done to me, woman?

I was doing great.
I was k*lling it at work,

I'm skating
in Roenick's game,

and then you broke me,
so fix me.

You broke me,
so fix me. Fix me.

I can't fix you,
because you're not broken.

Okay, Ryan,
just slow down

and allow yourself
to feel those feelings.

Maybe this will help.

Just do it, dude, okay?

You put a stormy ocean
on one side

and a rainbow on the other,
and you're done.

Okay, it's official,
I've got a stalker.

A lot of people use
the dumpster

behind your building.
Don't flatter yourself.

What?
No.

It's that Sasha maniac.

She wants to meet me
for a drink.

She thinks
I'm fun and delightful!

- She sounds like a maniac.
- Hmph.

If you don't want
to meet her, blow her off.

Say something nice, like,

"you bore me, Danny,"
or "I don't have to tell you

where I go at night, Danny."

I was going
to blow her off, but...

But?

I didn't hate
meeting her.

If it were a different time
in my life...

Other people's problems
are so easy.

You want
to keep your options open,

choose a neutral place.

No drink.
Fruit smoothies.

Nothing says "keep it light"
like a fruit smoothie.

Also, pick a time
that says,

"this is something
that I'm doing

on my way to doing
something else."

I'm talking about
your 11:20s, your 3:45s.

Anything 45 implies a logical,
sexless end in 15 minutes.

This Mr. Sasha,

he is handsome?

Okay.

Soy lesbiana.

I looked it up,
just for this.

No, no, no,
wrong word, "lesbiana."

One day, I tell you
what this mean.

I feel like she's trying
to not understand.

All right, handsome.
Let's do this.

Why are you taller
than I am?

Thank you.

She tried to kiss me.

- What?
- Yeah.

Right outside
the jamba juice.

That lesbiana
tried to kiss me.

Come on in,
Anne...

We talked,
we went for a walk,

we said good-bye,
went to our car, and bam!

After a 3:45?

What are you,
really sexy or something?

- Yeah!
- Well, what'd you do?

I dodged it.

I freaked out.
I ran?

Agh. I feel bad,
I feel like I pushed you.

Stop it, King,

I don't actually
listen to you that much.

I went because I wanted to go.

I knew I wasn't ready,

but I had no idea
how not ready I was.

One kiss!
And I lose it.

Aw, it's early,
you know...

I can't picture
ever being ready.

I feel so stuck!

Tell me about it.

I lost it just looking at
a picture of a sewing machine.

We can't do anything.

Yeah, I used to be able to do
all kinds of stuff.

You didn't know me
when I could do stuff.

That guy?
He could do stuff.

He didn't know better,
that smile, that swagger.

He could look at 14 pictures
of a sewing machine,

and go around
kissing anyone.

I so want to move forward.

I want to leap forward.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Nope, that's not
what I was thinking.

That's the first kiss
out of the way!

That's a milestone, man,
that's progress!

I feel violated.
You just took me.

I've never been taken before.

God, that stubble
feels so weird.

Heh.

And, King?

I like you better
than I like this guy.

I was pretending the sewing
machine didn't matter,

but it did.

That's why I went on the air
and cried

like I'd just won
best actress.

Yeah, we got
a lot of emails about that.

Any of them
supportive?

Not many.

Your target audience is dicks,
18 to 34.

Well, to avoid
any further outbursts,

I now embrace the truth.

Ryan King is living a life
of radical honesty.

Give 'em hell, Ryan.

Hell?
After the hurt I put

on these guys, hell would be
like a vacation.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah.

Ryan, how much
do you value honesty?

The guys are looking
awful good out there.

Really good.

They're letting me win,
aren't they?

- You played the...
- I played it.

- And the hat trick was...
- A pity hat trick.

Yup.

Real quick, you guys.

I have just learned

that you've all been taking it
easy on me.

So stop it.
I am on a journey.

A journey towards honesty.

So whatever you and life
have in store for me,

I am ready to face it
and to feel it.

Bring it on.

What's he saying?

I think he says
we can hit him.

I like that.

It's good.
It feels like the truth.

Dude, you're on my team.

- Ryan!
- Ryan! Ryan!

Ryan! Ryan!
Hit him harder.

He wants to feel it.

Feeling it fine.
Plenty hard.

Thank you.

Look what you did.

I've never been
in so much pain

in my entire life.

Can we just go back to the way
things used to be?

You get up, I'm gonna knock
you right back down again.

It's cold down here.

Smile. Let's get a picture
of your journey.

Note the emotional depth
and the impeccable glue work.

You know what,
it feels great.

I can feel myself
getting healthier,

and I owe it all
to this lady.

No,
don't get teary.

Although I'm not gonna lie.
It feels good to get the cry.

I know, right?

You know, I got to tell you,

you strain to hold
your own out there.

You're a tough guy.

Thanks, you're a tough guy, too.

- Don't tell me that.
- Right.

Hey figure skaters,
the ice is here,

so I'm hoping it not chuck it up too much
with their top this.

My God,

she's smart, she's beautiful,
she plays hockey.

I'm not Rachel Mathow.

- You do look like her.
- Yeah, I know.