01x07 - Sydney, Australia

[bunniefuu]

Hey I know you guys
have been talking

to a lot of other agencies,

but I don't think there's
a better fit

than Lewis, Roberts & Roberts

and the Australian
Tourist Board.

Oh, we hope so, mate,
because we're desperate

to get more tourists
back down to Oz.

What's stopping them?

The 23-hour flight?

Hey, I've had binges
longer than that!

Well, you're speaking
my language now, mate.

So we'll be ready

to pitch to you Wednesday
at 6:00 p.m.

That's Thursday
at 9:00 for you.

Which is the day
after yesterday down there.

I thought that they were
two weeks in the future.

Hey, can you tell me
if the Bulls win tomorrow?

Because I bet my condo
on that game.

Did you hear them?

That's hilarious!

Don't you worry, we'll make it
hilarious for you.

You take care.

G'day!

Oh, God, do I hate them.

So smug in their board shorts.

You could only see them
from the waist up.

Yeah, but I could feel them,
and I hate them as much

as I hate their stupid country.

And that accent... oh, it's
like sandpaper on your ears.

G'day, mate!

No worries.

Put another shrimp
on the barbie.

Sheila, this is Bruce.
Bruce, this is Sheila.

People love that accent.

What's not to love
about Australia?

It's supposed to be a paradise.

Paradise? They're an
overgrown penal colony!

Two-dollar coin's smaller
than the one-dollar coin.

Every single animal down there
can k*ll you.

And it takes forever
to dry your hair.

Simon, God knows
if you're hating on something,

we want to be right there
with you.

Got it.
Okay?

But they gave us Naomi Watts.

But they also gave us
The Wiggles,

which are only enjoyable
if you're high.

And what kind of message
is that for kids?

Hey, Simon.

What happened in there?

You want to talk about it?

I've only been
to Australia once.

But it was a doozy.

It was my last big bender.

When I really hit bottom.

I don't remember much.

Started off as a drinkabout

with these rugby players.

Next thing you know,
I woke up in a Speedo

on a beach in Perth
being pulled into the bush

by an eastern grey kangaroo.

An Aboriginal woman
fought him off.

And then I was with her
for a while, and...

There's more,
but I don't want to bore you.

We're not bored.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

- Have you guys seen Ad Age?
- Oh, is that your interview?

- Yup.
- How is it?

I haven't read it yet.
I was waiting for an audience.

"The newest partner
at Lewis, Roberts & Roberts

"proves the perfect addition

to the team."

Uh-oh.

Hmm.

What "uh-oh"?

"Though she can seem somewhat

"aloof and standoffish,

"she is the perfect
counterpoint

to her gregarious father."

- But this is so wrong.
- Yeah, that's just bad writing.

"Aloof" and "standoffish"
are synonyms.

- You don't need both.
- Yeah, he must have

really wanted to make a point
about how cold you are.

- Oh, that makes sense.
- Sydney, someone sent you a basket.

- What do we got? What do we got?
- Ooh, dibs on any sensual body oils.

Andrew, you can have
cured meats.

- I'm good with that.
- What kind of baskets do you freaks get?

Hands off.

"Saw you in Ad Age.
You look beautiful.

Love, Danny Chase."
Oh, my God.

- Ooh, chocolate truffles.
- My hand was already on that!

I have a better metabolism.

You yo-yo. Am I wrong?

Who's Danny?

Uh, he was this sweet

but kind of nerdy jingle writer

at the first agency
I worked at.

He got fired for pushing
this jingle for Calamine lotion.

Yeah, "Ration Ain't
the Fashion."

He took it pretty hard.

It's okay. Really it's okay.

Women can just
drink more Cosmos.

No one knows why.

If I can't write jingles...

what am I gonna do?

It was sweet of him
to think of me.

Looks like he's thought
of you a lot.

Wh... why is my
picture on the cover of a CD?

More important, what's
with the '80s hairstyle?

Oh, I get it.

Your picture's on it

'cause he wrote
you a love song.

"Sydney, You're So Fine."

What...?

♪ Sydney ♪

♪ You're one of a kind ♪

♪ Sydney, you're so fine ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you mine... ♪

- That's not creepy.
- ♪ Sydney ♪

♪ Bein' in love ♪

♪ Ain't no crime ♪

♪ Sydney, you're so fine... ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you mine. ♪

♪ Girl, you make my heart sing ♪

♪ You're hotter
than a buffalo wing... ♪

I cannot listen to this anymore.

No, that's right.

Let's move on to the DJ remix.

♪ One cubicle over ♪

♪ And I'm not tryin' to stare ♪

♪ But I get so distracted
by the smell of your hair ♪

♪ You're on the Atkins Diet ♪

♪ But sneakin' Snickers
on the stairs... ♪

How did he even know that?

Well, he's a stalker.
It's kind of his job.

m*rder beats,
not people, Danny.

Okay, this is too weird.

- How did he even know about the article?
- Probably a Google Alert.

- Happened to me a few times.
- I've done that a few times.

Why this picture?

Why didn't he just use one
from the camera

he has hidden in her bathroom?

Sydney's the girl who got away.

I'm more concerned about the
girls that didn't get away.

What are you doing?

Well, I have to say thank you.

So I figured,
if I do it through Facebook,

then I don't have
to give him my e-mail address.

Syd, I don't think
that's a good idea.

I say always ignore a stalker.

- He's right, I eventually stop.
- He's right, they eventually stop.

I'm not going to ignore him.
That would be...

- Aloof?
- Standoffish?

Not who I am.

There. It's over.

Sydney's on the phone
with Danny. He called her!

Oh, yeah, no,
I-I like the song.

It's very catchy.

- Put him on speaker, put him on speaker!
- I don't...

I'm so glad. You know, I was...

I was a little nervous.

- Is that her?
- Yeah.

They're always nervous
before their first k*ll.

You're listening to it, cool.

She's listening to it.

So, hey, my first CD's
coming out.

You should totally come
to my release party on Friday.

I'm pretty sure
you've been to all

- of his "release parties."
- Shut up!

- What?
- Uh, nothing.

I mean, you have to be there.

You're kind of
the inspiration for it all.

Aw...

That's so nice.

And-and I would love to

except I have tickets
to dinner... theater.

Guys...

- and Dolls.
- Nice save.

Yeah, well, I know
what the problem is.

I know it's-it's-it's
last minute, but, um...

Hey, maybe we could grab

a cup of coffee
or something sometime?

Sure, we should totally

do that sometime.

She said yes.

She's free this after...

Uh, you know, I think they're
calling me for something

for work, so I have to run,
but it was great talking to you.

Okay, bye.

You're gonna have coffee
with him?

God, no! I want my last meal

to be something
more than coffee.

You could get a biscotti.

♪ Hotter than the heat ♪

♪ On the surface of the sun ♪

♪ When it comes to hot girls ♪

♪ You're the hottest one. ♪

And in a time-lapse sh*t,

the helicopter takes us
over the country,

landing on beautiful
Bondi Beach, and we hear...

"Australia: Forget the World

in a World Time Forgot."

It's beautiful.
Almost makes you forget

that Australia's the scrotum
of the South Pacific.

Gentlemen, your thoughts?

It's very pretty,
but we're not sure.

If I could bitch-slap a country.

You weren't so sure about some
of our other good ideas.

Yeah, well, it-it's

all feeling
a bit... clever.

Gentlemen, you hired
the best agency in town.

We're going to give you
a clever campaign.

Well, just dumb it
down a bit, mate.

Yeah, dumb is good.
I like dumb.

- That was the wrong thing to say.
- He's not going to like that.

♪ Sydney, you're
one of a kind... ♪

Okay, everyone, I think the song
is getting a little old.

♪ Sydney...

There's a calypso version?

Danny's on the line again.

He wants to know
if you're free for lunch.

Just tell him I'm in a meeting.

Again.

Maybe you need to tell him
you're not interested.

Why doesn't he know
that ignoring

is the international sign
for "stop calling"?

But to a stalker,
ignoring is a kind of foreplay.

Like the smell of the leaves
outside his bathroom window.

Or the feel of his T-shirt
you stole from his laundry room.

Or the....

Wait, I'm sensing your question
was rhetorical.

Sorry.

Can't do it, Syd.

They hate everything.

I'm ready to pitch them
the truth.

"Australia: So Hot, Not Even
the Nazis Wanted It!"

Dad, please, come on...
we want this!

How many agencies do you know
that have an entire country?

Hell, a continent.

Should they even be allowed
to call themselves a continent?

I think we should revisit that
like we did with Pluto.

This is really important.

They want us
to lower our standards.

I once caught you drinking
my nail polish remover.

- I remember.
- Please.

Do whatever it takes
to land them.

Please!

I'll do it.

♪ Let's show the world
we can dance ♪

♪ Bad enough
to strut our stuff ♪

♪ The music gives us a chance ♪

♪ We do more ♪

♪ Out on the floor ♪

♪ Groovin' loose ♪

♪ Or heart to heart ♪

♪ We're bumpin' booties,
havin' us a ball, y'all ♪

♪ Shake your groove thing ♪

♪ Shake your groove thing,
yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Show 'em how we do it now ♪

♪ Shake your groove thing ♪

♪ Shake your groove thing,
yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Show 'em how we do it now ♪

♪ Shake your groove thing ♪

♪ Shake your groove thing,
yeah, yeah... ♪

Let Australia

transform you.

It's Priscilla,
Queen of the Desert.

Oh!

Don't know her.

What else you got?

♪ Sydney, you're one of a... ♪

Oh, no, it's gotten in me.

It's in all of us.

Wait! You're in a meeting.

No, I'm not.

I'm going to go pee.

Danny's here.

What?

Sydney! Hey, you.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Wow, you haven't changed at all.

I mean, your hair is longer
and your face is older...

I... didn't mean that.

I check her whereabouts
every ten minutes.

- Okay.
- Um...

- Wh-What are you doing here?
- You know...

we were looking
for a time to hang out,

and you're so busy
that I just figured,

you know...
bitch got to eat.

I didn't mean that, either.

Uh, I brought lunch.

Egg salad.

But not on a hard roll,

because I remember
that you hate it

when egg salad smushes
all out the outside

because when you take
a bite, it...

Danny, stop, please, stop!

Okay? Th-This is weird, really.

It-it's too weird.

I... The egg salad
and the song...

You don't like the song?

It's insane!
I-I just... I don't understand

why you would write
that song about me.

I mean, we barely
know each other.

Okay.

Well...

I just, I-I thought
that maybe, uh...

You know what?

Forget it. You're right.

We barely know each other.

Maybe you're just, um...

not the same Sydney
that I remember.

Well, I don't have
to pee anymore.

I always wonder where it
goes when that happens.

Well, that's it, fellas.

That's our last pitch.

"Australia.
We Got Penguins."

What do you think?

As if I give a rat's ass

what they think,
I hate them so much.

Gentlemen?

Well, to be honest,

we don't really love it.

Oh, what a surprise.

That's why I hate Australians.

They never say what they mean.

I think they did.
They said they don't love it.

So I hate them
and their directness.

What we need is an
"I Heart New York."

Yeah.

Now, what about...

"I Heart Australia"?

What about "I hate Australia"?

What was that?

You didn't mute it.

No, I didn't, did I?

How can anyone
hate Australia, mate?

- No, no, no. See...
- He has that disease...

- He... he loves Australia...
- Where he says the opposite thing...

You didn't let me finish.
I said "I hate Australia"

- because I think about it all the time!
- He's obsessed.

- I can't go there often, because it's so far.
- It's really far.

Sure, there's other places
I could go that are closer,

- but it's not the same.
- No.

- Why was I saying I hate that?
- You were saying, "Uh, Hawaii, sure",

"you're cute, but you're no Australia." You
were saying that it's like nowhere else.

That's it!
That's exactly

what we're going for.

Australia, you're like
nowhere else.

Australia, you're
worth the trip

because you're one of a kind!

Australia, where everywhere

is a new adventure!

Like the Great Barrier Reef
in Queensland.

♪ Queensland ♪

♪ There's nothing as grand... ♪

Or the beaches in Perth!

♪ Perth ♪

- ♪ Like nowhere on Earth ♪
- Yeah!

Or the Opera House in Sydney!

It's one of a kind!

♪ Sydney ♪

♪ You're one of a kind ♪

♪ Sydney, you're so fine ♪

This is great!

Oh, that's it, that's it!

♪ Sydney, you're one of a kind ♪

♪ Sydney, you're so fine. ♪

Sold!

Whew.

How could this happen?

Your dad just
started singing it.

Well, you jumped
right in with the guitar.

Guys, guys...

the important thing
to remember here

is I am mostly free of blame.

Except all of you have been
playing it all week!

Well, in my defense,
it's pretty darn catchy.

And really good to start
your cool-down to

after a tough workout.

Not that I have.

- I was just singing backup vocals.
- Doesn't matter.

You're gonna have to find
something else

to pitch to the Australians.

There's nothing left to pitch.

I jumped genders for them!

We'll just buy the rights
from your friend.

Oh...

What "oh..."?

I may have been
a little rude to him.

It was the ugliest
thing I've ever seen.

And I spent a summer interning
with Japanese whalers.

- Sounds horrible.
- Tell me about it.

None of the credits transferred.

Okay, here's the plan.
Okay.

Danny is going to be
at the launch party tonight.

He goes on
at 9:00 sharp.

You could get there a little
early, I'll go with you...

How do you know all that?

Oh, I-I looked at his Web site.

- You know, as a goof.
- It's a good idea.

You go there, you...
bump into him.

You want me to go crawling back
to my obsessed stalker,

whom I just left in tears
after telling him

to get out of my life forever,

and ask him to sell us
his song?

That's a better idea.

What I was thinking
was way more demeaning.

Yeah.

I'll be fine.

Danny's gonna realize that
there can't be anything

between us once he meets
my boyfriend Andrew.

Mmm. Where is my
boyfriend Andrew?

I was in a band in college.

Did you ever hear of.

- Pungent Stench?
- No.

We opened for them.

Hey, guys.
What's the plan?

What you got there?

"Danny Chase,
Fall '13."

Uh, yeah, I-I stopped
by the, uh, the merch table.

As a goof.

And, uh, I picked up that CD
as a... as a further goof.

Hey, Danny, good luck.

- Here's Danny.
- What? Where? Where?

Oh, my God, be cool.
Be cool!

Hey.

Hello, Sydney.

- Excuse me.
- Wait, wait, hold on.

I-I, um...

I really want to apologize
for what I said.

You know, sometimes my emotions

get the best of me.

- It's because of how she was raised.
- Dad...

I take full responsibility.

I married a real bitch
who set a poor example.

Really, I was honored
that you thought so much of me

to write that song.

And so is my boyfriend, Andrew.

We opened for them.

The point is,
we love the song so much,

we'd like to buy it
for a commercial.

And have you sign some
of our T-shirts, Danny.

Sweetheart, not now.

Why would I do
anything for you?

We "barely know"
each other, right?

I never should've said that.
We worked together.

Look, I was a mess
when I lost that job.

And you were the first
person to tell me

that there was more
out there than jingles.

I was the first?
Yeah.

You told me to write
from my heart.

And it changed my life.

So that "weird" song
was my thank-you to you.

But it doesn't matter,

because it didn't mean
anything to you anyway, so...

Maybe you'll like
my new song better.

This is a song
about somebody that I...

I thought I knew.

♪ There ♪

♪ There is a girl ♪

♪ To me she meant
all the world ♪

You know, he's a much better
singer than he is stalker.

And he's a really good stalker.

♪ But I ♪

♪ I came to see ♪

♪ She's not who
I thought she'd be ♪

We don't know
this is about you.

♪ There was a time
when all I knew was ♪

♪ Sydney, you're so fine ♪

♪ Sydney, you're one of a kind ♪

♪ But it's not true ♪

I guess it's about you.

♪ I barely knew you ♪

♪ But I tried ♪

♪ Who could've known
I'd be denied ♪

♪ By a woman ♪

♪ Who in truth ♪

♪ Is nothing but cold
and aloof? ♪

- God, he's hot.
- Right?

♪ If I had one wish ♪

♪ You wouldn't be
so standoffish ♪

♪ You barely knew me ♪

♪ I barely knew you ♪

♪ You barely knew me, Sydney ♪

♪ I barely knew you. ♪

Hey, great show, man.

I hope that's pee
and not blood.

Why didn't I hope for water?

What do you want?

I want to tell you how much
I loved that last song.

Sure, it didn't paint
the nicest picture

of my daughter,
but still pretty solid.

So much better than

that silly love song
you wrote her.

You mean the, uh...

the silly song
that you came here to buy?

Busted. Yep.

Danny, can I be
honest with you?

It's just the two
of us in here.

And me. Roland.

And Roland.

Between the three of us,
for one second,

can we look at it from
her point of view?

You scared her.

She threw up her walls.

She rejected you, and then
she broke your heart.

But that...

that's when it happened.

When what happened?

You became an artist.

That love song you wrote
is a great jingle,

but that's all I'll ever be.

But that angry jam
that Sydney inspired...

that's rich with
rage and darkness.

That's art.

Stop kissing my ass.

You are
laying it on thick.

How long you gonna
be in there, Roland?

Hey, I'm an artist, too.

I'm just saying great songs

don't come from
getting the girl.

They come from
not getting the girl.

Sydney is like the guy
who broke Adele's heart.

Or the mountain goat who
broke Neil Young's heart.

I know how Neil feels.

Neil feels, Neil feels...
that actually rhymes.

I'm gonna write that down.

You see?
It's working already.

So, what?

You're-you're saying
that I-I need Sydney?

I'm just saying we both can use

this situation
to our advantage.

Wait.
What did we agree to?

Well, Danny will
give us his song

for a reasonable price

in exchange for you
occasionally blowing him off.

"Off." Whew.

I thought that was going
in another direction.

And if Danny's ever blocked,

you have to find some way of,
you know, disappointing him.

Yeah, Syd, you can just
give him attitude

or not return his calls.

This is right in
your wheelhouse.

And that will inspire him.

It's genius!

Does anyone else
think this is weird?

Well, Roland had
some misgivings,

but I think he's on board now.

Sydney, come on.

It's the best of all worlds.

There's no losers.

I don't know.

Syd?

Hey.

- You did nothing wrong.
- How could I forget

that I was part of

the biggest moment
in someone's life?

You know, maybe
Ad Age is right.

Maybe I am cold.

Come on.

So you put up walls.
We all do.

They don't know the real you.

The kind Sydney
that we all know.

Tonight didn't make me
feel so kind.

Do you remember the night

I got back from Australia?

God, I hate that country...

Dad.
Okay.

That trip cost me
everything I cared about:

my wife, my home...

everything except you.

You planned a big

birthday party
for me that night.

Do you know how I repaid you?

I think a T-shirt that said
"Wish You Were Beer."

I came home at 2:00
in the morning

blitzed out of my mind.

Party was long over,
you were asleep.

I was afraid you'd be mad.

You slept on
my couch that night.

Do you remember what
you did the next morning?

No...

No judgment.

Just a simple gesture of love.

Cake.

Because of that,

because of you,

I never had another drink.

So, you see, your kindness
changed my life, too.

I never knew that.

Exactly.

Okay. You coming?

No, you go along.

I've got a little business

I have to discuss with Danny.

Okay.

Two, three, four.

♪ Australia ♪

♪ You fill me with hate ♪

♪ Australia ♪

♪ You're not great ♪

Take it away, my man.

♪ I forgot New Zealand
is right above you ♪

♪ The only thing worse
than one of you is two ♪

Mmm...

That is... that's nice.

You know what's weird? Hmm?

I think it was New Zealand
where it all happened.

Key change!
Yeah!

♪ New Zealand ♪

♪ You're so full of sheep ♪
♪ Baa, baa, baa, baa ♪

♪ New Zealand ♪

♪ So much sheep ♪
♪ Baa baa baa baa baa baa baa ♪

You're almost like
a boy soprano.

But they gave us
Naomi once.

Nay-omi or Nye-omi?

- I-I...
- It doesn't matter!

That's how I mean, it's so
crazy. Nye-omi, Nay-omi.

♪ Hello, Sydney ♪

♪ It's your boyfriend ♪

♪ How's it going, how's it... ♪

♪ Little Joey, hopping about ♪

♪ Don't you see,
he's walkabout ♪

♪ He's got a friend ♪

♪ In his pouch ♪

♪ He's a man,
he's no little slouch ♪

♪ Go, Joey. ♪

♪ Shake your groove thing ♪

♪ Shake your groove thing,
yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Show 'em how we do it now... ♪

We'll be right back.