02x17 - Weekend From Hell

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Ghosts". Aired: October 2021 to present.
Sam and Joe throw caution to the wind as they convert a run-down estate into a bed and breakfast -- only to find it's haunted by spirits.
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02x17 - Weekend From Hell

Post by bunniefuu »

PETE: Hey, Sam, I'm
ready! Let's do this!

Sam got another electronic
family newsletter

from my daughter Laura.

And if you'll recall, the last
one ended on a cliffhanger,

as my grandson Little Pete

was being fitted for a retainer.

Oh, speaking of dentistry,

a lot of people think George
Washington's teeth were wooden,

but it was actually
just his personality.


He was boring but tall.

Jay, why don't you read

the latest Martino family newsletter

out loud so that you can
feel like a part of things?

That truly could not be
presented in a sadder manner.

What happened with Little Pete?

Did he get the Spider-Man retainer?

SAMANTHA: Well, you can tell us,

because you're a part
of this conversation.

I mean, it's just...
It's so patronizing.

In many ways, Jay live
very sad existence.

We can't go out to the mailbox, Thor.

Not saying we have it great, either.

"Dear Martino friends and family,

as winter draws to a close

and spring flowers begin to bloom... "

Man, Laura always had a way with words.

"... we set out in our trusty Forester

to meet with Dr. Goldfarb."

This is hell.



I'm back.

Oh, my God!

I know, right? The Spider-Man retainer.

He got one. Is everyone freaking out?





I feel so included.

Thanks, Sam.

♪ ♪

No, this is not possible.

Elias, you went to Hell.

How are you back?

I'm on a -hour furlough, my dear.

A reward for good behavior.

Ooh, Little Pete's T-ball team

had a barnburner this weekend.

Another tie, if you can believe it.

Jay, you can stop reading now.

All right. Why?

Not sure how else to say this,

but a portal from Hell
just opened up in the floor

and Hetty's robber baron husband

Elias just popped out of it.

Okay. That sounds bad.

ELIAS: Don't worry, I'm not going to

walk through any of your clientele

and make them horny this time.

Is pretty cool ghost power.

In fact, you are
looking at a changed man.

A year in the underworld has taught me

the error of my ways,

and now I am benevolent.


He says he's changed,

and he's not gonna
run us out of business.

Oh. Cool.

Well, I guess I'll
get lunch ready, then.

I'll need you all to
reintroduce yourselves.

Last time, I wasn't listening,
because I didn't care.


that was the old Elias.

The new Elias sees you all as equals.

Even the women.

- Oh.
- Well, that is some growth.

Ooh, what's Jay making for lunch?

It's a port wine reduction,

and it's coming along nicely.

Uh, bro, that's a demi-glace.

It was a demi-glace,

but then he added port wine, bro.

Keep up.


Ooh, whoa.

- He walked through Flower.

Whoa, how'd that rainbow get in here?

Okay, so Jay is tripping b*lls.

Oh, no, but he still has
to make lunch for the guest.

Oh, yeah. We should probably tell Sam.

Or we watch this play out.

Just another way to go.

Look at this magical little forest.

Like tiny trees.

Yeah, we should probably stay.

And, of course, allow me to
apologize to you, Samantha,

for walking through everyone
at the wedding you were hosting,

causing sexual chaos,

threatening your business
and your marriage.

Thank you, Elias, I appreciate that.

HETTY: Oh, please. I don't
buy this act for one second.

You're not sorry for any of it.

What you have to understand about Hell

is that the rumors are true.

It is very horrible.

And between all that

lashing and gnashing,
a man gets to thinking.

THORFINN: Is true.

t*rture can change a man's mind.

Or cause him to blurt
out a false confession.

Either way... (CHUCKLES) ... very fun.

ELIAS: But the forgiveness
I truly seek is Hetty's,

for it is she I have
wronged most grievously.

HETTY: Okay, you walking social disease.

If I forgive you, will you
at least stop talking to me

for the remainder of your visit?

Absolutely. In fact, you
wouldn't have to say the words.

You could simply affix your signature

to this document
stating said forgiveness.

What is this?

Oh, you know Hell.
Lots of, uh, paperwork.

Hold on a second.

This is a contract.

If ex*cuted by the undersigned,

it would release Elias from

the permanent bonds of the underworld,

and return him to the
location of his death.


THORFINN: Thor understand,

but maybe someone explain to Pete.

ALBERTA: It sounds like if Hetty

forgives Elias, he'll get out of Hell,

but we'll be stuck with him for eternity

here at the mansion.

I knew you were up to something.

All right, yes, I want
to get out of Hell.

But that doesn't mean
I wasn't being genuine.

Please, Hetty,

you have to forgive me.

And spend the rest of
my afterlife with you?

No, thank you.

Hetty, please. I've changed.

You have to believe me.

He sound like Danish man

whose intestines we slowly pull out.

(LAUGHS) Good times.

Oh, my God. What happened in here?

I don't know.

I-I was making lunch,

and then I kind of blacked out.

Jay got Flowered big time.

Yeah, he was talking to cilantro.

Honey, you walked through Flower.

Oh, my God, did I serve food?

Oh, he served food.

He also wrote a rock opera

and finished an adult coloring book.

Um, hi.

I'd like to talk about that
meal you just served me.

Oh, my God. (EXHALES)

It was incredible.


It was?

Have you ever heard of the Menu Hunter?

She's a chef that has
a cooking show on TV.

Yeah, we've heard of the
Menu Hunter. She's amazing.

We watch her show every week.

I made the Nantucket shrimp salad.

Did you, though?

Yeah, you should really
leave the cooking to Jay, Sam.

Well, she's my good friend,
and she's always looking

for new places to feature on the show.

Anyway, I told her about
the chicken you made.

Chicken, 'cause I made chicken.

And she wants to come
up later today to try it.

Seriously? Thank you.

What was that in that sauce? Paprika?

Maybe. Chef never tells.


This is huge.

I know, but I don't
remember what I made.

Well, good thing we have
three eyewitnesses right here.

How did he make the chicken, guys?

We don't know. It's hard.

There was a lot going on.

Yeah, he was riffing.

He was scootin' and scattin',

and it was beautiful to watch.

He took a nap at one point.

- I don't know if that was important.
- FLOWER: Yeah.

The ghosts aren't gonna be much help.


There was chicken.

Thanks, Flower.

ALBERTA: So, what's it like down there?

Well, it's pretty much
what you would think.

It's hot, the Devil's mean, and...

Are you familiar with
that rock band Chumbawamba?

- Mm-mm, no.
- No. No.

They play it on a loop,
and it does not grow on you.

Hey, Pete, we got another
Martino family newsletter.

Oh, wow. Two in one day.

Oh, I hope he didn't accidentally
throw that retainer away.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

Little Pete was in an accident.

He's in critical condition.

What happened?

It just says he's in the hospital,

and they want our prayers.

I'm so sorry, Peter.

I can't believe this.

I wish there was something I could do.

(CLEARS THROAT) I hesitate to say this,

but there is a service Hell
provides for situations like this.


Little Pete could be saved,

but it would cost you your soul.

- I'm in.
- ISAAC: Whoa, hold on.

Wait, what does that mean?

Well, it's the classic "sell
your soul to the Devil" situation.

When I go back,

Pete would come with
me, long story short,

Little Pete would be fine,

but you would suffer eternal damnation.

Whatever it is, I-I don't care.

- Let's just do it.
- Simple handshake will do.

Uh, Pete, wait.

No! No! No!


So, that's it? Little
Pete's okay, right?

He's fine.


He was always fine. (LAUGHS)

What does that mean?

It means I tricked Pete
into selling me his soul.

There was no accident, dimwit.

That email was fabricated by
the boys in the home office.

You can send emails?

Yes, Hell is mostly emails

and Zooms that should have been emails.

Oh, Pete, this can't
be. You're going to Hell.

Yeah, it's not great.

Although, you do like bad boys, right?

I still think we should just be friends.

Oof. Couldn't even give him that.

She is nothing if not consistent.

Elias, you let poor Peter

out of this deal at once. Look at him.

He will not survive a minute down there.

Well, I suppose there is one way, Hetty.

Sign my forgiveness contract,

and I will release Pete's
soul from damnation.


Oh, phew, so there is a way out.

So, you'll just sign it, right, Hetty?


- Hetty?
- Hmm...

- Hetty!
- Well...

Why is she not making
eye contact with me?

Hetty, you're not seriously
considering sending Pete to Hell

just to avoid forgiving Elias?

I mean, yes, it would
be nice to not have to

hear another camping story,

but this is a little extreme.

If I forgive Elias,

I'll be stuck with him for eternity.

That would be like
sending myself to Hell.

Right, but the hell I'm
going to is actual Hell,

where the streets are paved with f*re

and the chairs are made of bees.

That's not accurate.

Well, you should've
thought of that before

you traded your soul to
save some snot-nosed urchin.

Eh, she was never much
of a little kid person.

Well, that's nonsense,

I employed hundreds of them.

Look, I don't want Elias here, either.

I mean, we're trying to
run a family business.

We don't need horny families.

But this is Pete we're talking about.

Please, Hetty, I'm scared.

ELIAS: You should be.

You are not going to do well down there.

Your soul's pure like a baby's.

In fact, if I do end
up having to go back,

I'll be hailed like a trophy hunter

for bringing you with me.

Thanks, there's a compliment
in there somewhere.

What do you say, Henrietta?

Can you find it in your
heart to forgive me?

Hetty, I get not wanting
this creep around,

but you cannot let Pete go down on us.

No one wants to see that.

Okay, fine, I'll sign
your stupid contract.


SAMANTHA: How's it going in here?

Dude is struggling.

I'm struggling, babe.

I can't remember what I made,

and the Menu Hunter
gets here in two hours.

I'm toast. Wait a minute. Toast.

Do the ghosts remember me using toast?

- No. Hard no.
- No. No toast.

They are indicating that you did not.


(GASPS) I got an idea.

Back when I was at Penn,

we used to get pills from these nerds

with ADD in order to
study for the midterms.

But what we learned was,

you want to be in the
same mindset for test day

that you were for studying.

SASAPPIS: So you took these
pills for the test as well?


And then when we were celebrating.

And then a little more
when we h*t the club.

The point is,

get yourself some ADD meds.

They're great. The other,
more relevant point is,

Jay probably needs
another h*t of Flower.

I don't think that's a good idea.

What's not a good idea?

That you take more Flower

so that you can be in the
same headspace as you were

when you originally
came up with the recipe.

That's a great idea, Sam.

Look, I'm desperate here.

Sam, it sounds like

getting Jay's recipe on The Menu Hunter

could be a good thing for your business.

FLOWER: And in my experience,

more dr*gs usually are the answer.

I don't know, Flower.
Doesn't it hurt you?

Yeah, but Jay needs a muse,

and I'm willing to be that.

I did it for David Crosby,

and his back hair looked like
he was wearing a sweater vest.

She's on board.


Just be safe, Jay.

And you guys, keep an eye on him.

FLOWER: Oh, Sam.

Tell Jay to drink some orange juice.

The vitamin C will enhance the effects

when I walk through your husband.

I can't just have one normal day.

- Just sign here...

... and the forgiveness
contract is ex*cuted.

For the record, I don't
actually forgive you,

but I will sign your dumb form.

PETE: Hetty, I just
want to say thank you.

I know it took you a
minute, and that's okay,

but we got there in the end.

I want your TV time for
the rest of the year.

- Hetty.
- I have something of value, Isaac.

I'm not simply giving it away

like some Irish tramp in a tavern.

Well, if she's gonna do it,
she's gonna do it her way.

Okay, fine. Sure. Thank you, Hetty.

Just sign on the dotted line.


Well, that's weird.

ELIAS: What's the matter?

Did your female brain
forget how to write?

No, much like your own proverbial pen,

- this one doesn't work.
- That's impossible.


Works for me.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

Let me see that again.

Oh, dear, that's right.

It says right here, "said forgiveness

must be offered in all sincerity."

Emphasis mine.

PETE: Well, wait, what does that mean?

I think it means Hetty has to actually

forgive Elias and mean it.

(SIGHS) Okay, fine.

Elias Woodstone, I
sincerely forgive you.

I forgive you.

It's still not working.

Forgive him, Hetty.

Forgive him!

I'm trying, Peter.

This not good.

I can't go to Hell. Elias
said my soul's too pretty.

Everyone just calm down.

There's a simple solution.

Elias must do whatever it takes

to earn Hetty's actual forgiveness.

That's gonna be a very tall order.

Oh, jiminy.

JAY: Okay, Flower, h*t me.

Hello? Flower?

Oh... (GRUNTS)


(SLOWLY): Hello, Flower.

ELIAS: Okay, let's see,
what else am I sorry for?

Oh, I lost your family
china in a poker game,

then blamed it on the valet.

That's where that went?

Gerald went to prison.

And I'm truly sorry.

Okay, not trying to
influence anything here,

but I'm buying that one. That felt good.

Okay, I suppose that's
not an unforgivable act.

Oh, once, I partook
in all of your cocaine

and replaced it with wig powder.

You're a monster!

What's going on?

Hetty tried to sign contract,

but pen not work because
she not truly forgive.

Yes, according to the terms,

her absolution must be sincere.

Emphasis mine.

Okay, Thor, looks like I
might be going down there.

(CHUCKLES) Sounds like
there are some rough types.

Any self-defense tips?

Eye gouge and genital punch.

Those your new best friends, Pete.


I know it's hard, but you've got to

find some way to forgive him.

Pete's entire afterlife
is riding on this.

I-It's not that I can't
forgive Elias's heinous actions,

it's that releasing him from
Hell would make him happy.

And I don't want him to be happy.

He doesn't deserve to be happy.

But you do.

Look, I've been with my
fair share of no-good men,

and something I wish I
figured out when I was alive

is that sitting around,
fixating on them,

it doesn't hurt them. Trust me.

They don't care.

It only hurts you.

Elias... I forgive you.




The pen worked? Oh, huzzah.

- So I'm not going to Hell.

That's right, you are
released from our agreement.


Oh, thank God.

This has been such a
scary roller coaster,

and I was not comfortable
punching anyone in the genitals.

I admit, I was skeptical,

but you were right, Alberta,

a weight has been lifted.


You have no idea what you've just done.

I am going to wreak havoc in this house.

Horny, horny havoc.

I don't think so, Elias.

Oh, really? And who's going to stop me?

My muscle.

Thor, if Elias does anything wrong,

you throw him in the vault.


HETTY: You remember the vault?

That dark void in which you
were trapped for over a century?

No, that-that's worse than Hell.

Uh, Sam, I think we
need you in the kitchen.

Wait, Elias is back?

THORFINN: Yeah, Pete almost
spend eternity in Hell,

but, uh, okay now. Fill you in later.

Yeah, I'll want to hear all about that.

But seriously, Sam,

this is sort of urgent.

Come here, Flower.

Oh! (LAUGHS) I almost got you.

Come here. Hey! Oh!

(LAUGHING): Where are you?

I just need one more h*t.

Jay is losing it.

Oh, what-what is going on?

It's not working.

I just need a little more inspiration.

The Menu Hunter's gonna
be here any second.

I just need one more h*t.

One more?

- How many hits did you give him, Flower?
- I...

SASAPPIS: Don't look
at her when you talk.

He'll echolocate her like

one of those bats on the Nature channel.

Oh, so she... she's just over here?

- I'll be right back. Flower!

(LAUGHS) Flower?

Jay, get a grip.

You got this.

You don't need Flower.
You're a great chef.


What if I'm not great enough?

What are you talking about?

Look, when we moved here,

I got my own kitchen, which was amazing.

But let's be honest,

we're in the middle of nowhere.

Not exactly a spotlight shining on us,

and when the Menu Hunter gets here,

that spotlight is gonna shine on me.

What if I'm not ready?

This is just like David
Crosby's crisis of confidence.

Okay, there is a bathroom

on the second floor of the
Capitol Records building.

- You need to have sex with Jay in there.

How should I put this? You
know in Star Wars,

when Luke is in that
trench on the Death Star,

and he turns off his targeting computer

when Obi-Wan tells him to use the Force?

You got this.

Oh, my God, the nerd wore off on her.

Sam, it means so much to me

that you got all those details right.

Jay, everything you
need is inside of you.

Now kiss me like you're Luke

and I'm your sister.

Who cares?

Wait, is Pete in here right now,

feeding you those details?

No, I-I think he's resting.

He almost got sent to Hell earlier.

It's a whole thing, but he's okay.

Okay, I'm gonna start cooking.

So, this is hunter of menu?

The Menu Hunter, yes.

And if she likes the dish Jay serves,

she'll feature it on
her television program.

The stakes could not be higher.

I mean, it's not almost going to Hell,

but I'm still able to invest
in other people's journeys.

Well, I hope you're ready

for the best meal of
your life, Menu Hunter.

You can call me Susan.

Susan. Why is that name familiar?

That's your name, Flower.

Right on.

So, I-I know you came here to taste

the dish I made your friend,

but I wanted to invent something new

just for you, so these are
panko-crusted lamb chops

with a tandoori masala reduction.

I have an announcement.

I'm going back to Hell.

What? Seriously?

How good are those lamb chops? (LAUGHS)

Wh-what are you talking about, Elias?

You're-you're going back to Hell?

I can't be on my best
behavior all the time,

living under thr*at of this
beast throwing me in the vault.

I've got to be myself.

So, tomorrow, when the portal opens up,

I shall return to the underworld.

JAY: So, what's the verdict?


These are just about

the best lamb chops I've ever had.


- SAMANTHA: You did it, sweetie.
- Yes.

Oh, yes.

And since I'm leaving
anyway, I can now do this.

- No, no, no, no.



- SAM: Oh, no.

Good night, all.


Oh, my. Oh.



JAY: Oh.


I know, right?


I think I might be
Prey of the Week, babe.


Uh, is it open? (LAUGHS) Isn't it time?

SAMANTHA: Jay, believe me,

when the portal to Hell
opens up, I will tell you.

- Oh, it just opened up.


- ♪ Get me down, I get knocked down ♪
- Is that Chumbawamba?

- ♪ But I get up again... ♪
- I love this song.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, this is goodbye.

I know you had your own reasons,

but I do appreciate this.

Thank you for going down on us.

Pete, no hard feelings.

Ah, I can't stay mad at
such a snappy dresser.

(CHUCKLES) You fool.
You're coming with me.

- What? No!
- Elias!

Remember your training, Pete!


The genitals! Go for the genitals!


(SIGHS) Well, that was a nice visit.

I think I saw my uncle Sal down there.

(SOFTLY): ♪ I get knocked down ♪

♪ But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down... ♪

♪ I get knocked down ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ We'll be singin' ♪
♪ But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down. ♪
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