04x02 - The Way We Ought to Be

[bunniefuu]

(Theme music playing)

- Hi.

- What have you got there?

- What does it look like?

- d*ck.

Darts.

- Yeah. Yeah, I
finally found them.

Those are those custom-made,
hand-tooled babies

I used to use in college when
I was the college champion.

Champion-slash-legend.

You know, when I
hung these babies up,

I was undefeated.

Now I'm needed again.

For what?
- Oh, this coming thursday

The station is having
a big dart tournament.

Tournament-slash-m*ssacre.

- Afternoon, star.

Star's better half.

Where's that little blonde
I like to call "stephanie"?

- She's in that little place

We like to call "her room."

- Stephanie, michael's here.

- d*ck, I'm setting up teams
for the dart tournament.

Are you any good?

Whoa! Bulls-eyes beware.

- d*ck was a
champion in college.

- d*ck, what would you say

If I teamed you and yours
truly on the same team

With bev dutton, the
head cheese at wpip?

- I'd say, "are you
and bev lucky."

- Michael! Guess what.

Joanna and I are going
to the grand opening

Of that new french
restaurant on thursday.

Do you want to come?

It's an opportunity to
dress up and be seen with me.

- Ouch.

The station's annual
dart tourney is thursday.

- But, michael,

A grand opening
happens only once.

Annual things are,
like, every year.

- But this is business, steph,

And you have joanna to go with.

We can date every night
right up to the bad one.

- Well, I'll try that,

But you're still going to have
to do something about this.

- Then, retract lip.

Let's get out there and date!

- Your turn, bev.

- I love these tournaments.

The one time of year

We can drop the
"employer-employee" thing

And just get together
like old friends.

Eighty-five!

Eighty-five, bud.

Read it and weep, bozo.

We're gonna smoke their butts.

- Let's not get cocky, bev.

Let's just leave them for dead.

- Hey, d*ck, those look neat.

Can I use 'em too?

- Oh, I'm sorry, j.j.

These are specially
balanced for my hand.

- Fine, d*ck.

Why don't we all
act like we're four

And not share our toys?

Bud: what'd ya get, d*ck?

- Uh, fifteen.

- Exactly which team did
you plan to leave for dead?

- Fifteen?

- I'm not sure what's wrong.

- d*ck, d*ck, maybe
you're too tense.

- Your turn, michael.

- Oh, yeah. Sure.

Sorry.

All right, now, d*ck,

I wanna see some relaxing
and I wanna see it now.

- How'd you do, michael?

- Oh, uh... 128.

- Geez, that's over
100 more than d*ck.

- Michael, michael,

We're gonna mop up the
floor with their heads!

- Wait... Wait... Wait a minute.

I... I... I know what it is.

I... I've never worn
a jacket like this

Before playing darts.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's...

That's... That's much better.

The jacket was...
Was the culprit.

The shirt was the culprit.

- Twenty?

- If he says his shorts
are the culprit, I'm leaving.

Michael: steph, what
are you doing here?

- Oh, that stupid restaurant
canceled its grand opening.

- Stephanie, the
place caught fire.

- Poor steph.

- When you left the house,

You had clothes on, right?

- Joanna, obviously you
don't understand darts.

(Singsong)
- I'm ready, let's go.

- Go? But this is
kind of important

And you said I could
have tonight off.

- That was before I
had nothing to do.

- Michael, it's your turn.

- Uh, we'll go someplace

As soon as the
tournament is over.

- Michael, you want me to wait?

In a basement where
people are perspiring?

We're leaving.

- But, steph, I'm a hero.

d*ck went to pieces
and I'm carrying the day.

- Michael, how does the
thought of dating air

Sound to you?

- Thanks, everybody. I
had a wonderful time.

Bud: michael!

It's amazing he
throws darts so well

With no spine.

(Knocking)

- Taa-daa!

- Very good, george.

- Yeah, I thought bulls-eyes
were gonna be hard to get,

But with these darts
of yours, you can't miss.

Unless you're...

Unless you're
real good like you.

- Were you... Were you throwing
from the regulation distance?

Seven feet, nine and
a quarter inches?

- Well, see, that explains it.

I must've been throwing 15 feet.

I'll go back and do it right.

Oh, and joanna asked
me to remind you

That it's attic cleaning day.

- You're kidding?

You mean, I completely
missed "attic cleaning eve"?

- Hi, george.

d*ck, got a minute?
- No.

Because you left last night,

I lost my first dart
tournament in 17 years

And... And then I had to listen
to a taunting crowd chant

"Take it off! Take it all off!"

- I know, d*ck.
I'm... I'm sorry.

- You're what?
- I'm sorry.

I behaved badly and I'm not
going to make any excuses.

- All right, who are you

And what have you
done with michael?

- d*ck, I was mad

When steph made me leave
the dart tournament last night

But I thought it would go away.

Then, in the restaurant when
the champagne tickled her nose

And she went "ooh!"

All I could think was,
"I'm not liking you."

d*ck, I'm scared.

I mean, there was
one time when i...

I didn't like her dress,

And there were four humid days

Where I didn't like her hair,

But I've never not liked her.

- Well, maybe the...

The first step in getting
to like stephanie again

Is not letting her
walk all over you like...

Like last night.

- Well, what could I do?

She was stamping
her size-four foot.

- So?

- Well, what do you do when
joanna stamps her gunboats?

- First, it isn't
like joanna to...

To stamp her "gunboats,"

And if she did, then I'd have to

Blow her out of the water.

- Gee, d*ck.

I never thought I'd
want to be you before.

- Honey, I could use
your help in the attic.

- Not just now, dear.

- d*ck, you've been putting
this off for months.

We really should get on it.

- I said, "not now."

Get out of my face, woman!

Sorry, michael. I usually
try to do that in private.

- d*ck, if I said that to steph,

She'd leave me and
take my tongue with her.

But I guess I've got
to say something.

- "Get out of my face, woman"?

- Okay, let's hit that
attic, sweetheart.

- Steph?

- Michael!

- Steph, you and I have to talk.

- Yes, michael?

- Before we do, could
you kiss me again?

No goosebumps.

- Well, they're
probably bunched up

Underneath your clothes.

(Michael chuckling)

All right, where are they?

- Steph, I'm really sorry

But ever since you made me leave
the dart tournament last night,

I'm having trouble liking you.

- Well, you're forgiven.

- Steph, listen to me.

You run this relationship
and I don't like it...

I think.

- Well, this sounds
like a criticism,

And if it is there are
plenty of men out there

Who would love to make me happy.

- This is exactly
the kind of thing

I'm talking about, pretty much.

If I don't do what you want,
you thr*aten to leave me.

I can't go on like that.

- Okay, this is
definitely a criticism.

Michael, I don't waste my time

With people who don't like me.

Now, you have five seconds

To reword everything you
just said into a compliment.

- I can't.

- You're upset. Take
another five seconds.

- Steph, you're not
giving me any choice.

I can't keep on being with
you and loving you and...

Not liking you.

I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

(Somber music playing)

- You certainly seem better.

- Well, can't walk
around grieving.

Misery really ages a face.

You should
remember that, joanna,

But I am starting to lose
patience with michael.

It's been three days.

If he doesn't call pretty soon,

This relationship's
in big trouble.

- Stephanie, you two broke up.

Isn't that sort of the
suburbs of trouble?

- Morning.

- So much for your suburbs.

- Joanna.

Stephanie.

- Good morning, michael.

- Steph?

- Yes, michael?

- Could you return
my julio iglesias album?

Joanna, is d*ck in his office?

- Yes.
- Thanks. See ya.

(Door opens, closes)

- Well, that's not what
he's supposed to do.

- Stephanie, maybe
you should talk to him.

- Joanna, when he ignores me

And demands custody
of julio, well, it's over.

Starting tonight,
I'm dating again.

(Door slams)

- Has... Has stephanie gone?

- She's out on the porch. Why?

(Michael crying)

- Oh!

(Michael crying)

What happened?

- You didn't tell me
steph would be here.

- Michael, she lives here.

- Oh, michael, pull
yourself together.

- I can't!

- But, uh, misery ages a face.

Stephanie: joanna, I
need a man's opinion

On how pretty I look.

Where's d*ck?

- He met michael for lunch

And then he went to
the station for the show.

- Is this sunday already?

Let's see, paul,
jerry, ken, bill, habib.

It is sunday!

- You like any of those guys?

- Well, ken was nice,

But his highest aspiration
is to buy a pickup truck

And equip it with
really big tires.

I don't know.

Maybe it's just that
none of them are...

- Michael?

(Knocking)

- Maybe patrick
will be different.

He's an artist.

I wouldn't mind seeing
paintings of myself

In the major museums.

- Hi, stephanie.

- Roses.

How original.

Joanna, this is patrick.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Well, how do I look?

- Fine.

- This is a new dress.

- Looks new.

- Oh, stop.

That's a very nice shirt.

- Oh, thanks. It
belonged to my brother.

He was on a diet,

So he gave me all
his fat clothes.

- So, patrick, I hear
you're an artist.

- Where the hell
did you hear that?

- You said you were a painter.

- Well, I used to paint houses,

But that was nowhere.

Now I sell paint,
which is an art in itself.

You know why people buy paint?

I mean, ask the layman,
he'd say the color.

Wrong.

It's the name of the color.

I mean, the more
"ps" in a paint's name,

The better it sells.

- Well, we'd better go.

- Where to?

- How would you like to
see a television station?

- Ah!

(Music playing)

- Okay, we open the show
with some yakkety-yakkety,

Then go to a diagram
of the anteater's lair,

Then we trot out
the stuffed anteater,

And we close with
some blah, blah, blah.

- Yeah, it's always smart

To build to the
"blah, blah, blah."

J.j., Right after the opening,
I want a camera on the...

- Uh, ten seconds to air, d*ck.

- What?
- Nine, eight...

Oh, my mistake, d*ck.

Thirty seconds to air.

I love doing that to him.

He always makes the same face.

Hey, the stuffed
anteater isn't on the stage.

- Hey, let me know when
you want that anteater.

- Now, bud.

And we're on in three, two,
one, and naptime everybody.

Announcer: and now
"vermont today"

Starring d*ck lauden,
with today's guest,

Anteater expert
francine maurhoffer.

- Cue, d*ck.

d*ck: francine, you're
a vermont native.

How did you become interested

In our long-nosed
friend from the south?

Francine: well, d*ck, we
have ants in vermont,

So first I became...

- Patrick, why
don't you wait here

And I'll let you know if we
need to continue this date?

- I'll wait there by
that papaya pink wall.

See, three "ps"!

- Michael, I want you to
stop this breakup nonsense.

Francine: I might add...

- Steph, you're
willing to compromise?

- Michael, my part of the
compromise is I'm here;

Your part is that
everything goes back

To the way it was before.

d*ck: let's zoom
in on this diagram

And we can all see
how anteaters live.

- Steph, I can't go back.

You'll just...

Who's the guy in
the hand-me-downs?

- He happens to be
a respected artist.

Ignore him.

d*ck: I said, "let's zoom in."

- J.j., d*ck needs his
zoom or something.

- Oh, uh, camera one,
zoom in on the diagram.

- Michael, I've missed you.

Haven't you missed me?

- Well, sure, steph.

It's just not the same

Lip-syncing to "westside
story" without my maria.

But I don't miss the
way things were.

- Oh, you are just the
most stubborn man.

d*ck: now that we've taken

A good, long look
at the diagram,

Let's focus on francine's
stuffed anteater.

Okay, where's the anteater?

- So, this thing eats ants.

Doesn't seem like a fair fight.

- Michael, there's got
to be a compromise

That doesn't involve me.

- Afraid not, steph.

d*ck: now that the
anteater's here,

It's exactly as
you described it.

I'm sure the home
audience would agree,

If we ever show it on camera.

- The audience can't
see the anteater.

- Oh, and they won't. We
have to go to commercial.

Cue, d*ck.

d*ck: what?

Well, we'll be back
with "with the anteater"

After this message.

- And roll commercial.

- What is this?

I busted my tail to
get you an anteater.

There was no rush!

- What the hell is
going on up here?

- If you don't mind, d*ck,

Michael and stephanie
are trying to patch it up.

- I don't care! Don't
listen to them.

Direct the show!

- Anything you say, d*ck.

- Michael, will you hurry up

And straighten this thing out?

My anteater show
is falling to pieces.

- I can't, d*ck. She
won't budge a skooch.

- Stephanie, why won't
you budge a skooch?

- I don't know, it's just...

Michael, remember that
little red convertible

You loved so much

And then you got a scratch
on it so you unloaded it?

Well, if I back down it...

It's kind of the same
as having a scratch.

- Oh, steph, I'd
never unload you.

I'd just like you to come
with a few more options.

- Michael, now I
know why I love you.

You are the sweetest
man that ever lived.

Now, what is the least I
can do to get you back,

And I mean the very least.

- Let me be selfish sometimes,

Like if you really want italian

And I really, really,
really want chinese,

We go for chinese.

- What if I really,
really want italian?

- Then we count "reallys."

- Deal.

Thank god that's over.

- Steph.

- More?

- When we don't
agree on something,

You can't thr*aten to leave me.

- Can I still get mad and
pout and go on buying binges?

- Well, natch!

I never asked to
have you declawed.

- Well. Okay.

But that is where
I draw the line.

Patrick, go home.

- Thank you. I had a... I
had a really nice time.

- Oh, steph.

- d*ck, I've never seen
such a shambles in my life.

What kind of a show
are you doing here?

- Me? No one in the control
booth was paying attention.

- Sure. And at the dart
game you blamed your shirt.

- Really! J.j. Was...

- Uh, five seconds, d*ck.

(Chuckling)
- I'm not
going to fall for that again.

Bev, I'm the only one in
here who's doing his job.

Announcer: and now,
back to "vermont today."

Once again...

(Theme music playing)

Man's voice: meow.