04x07 - The Geezers in the Band

[bunniefuu]

(Theme music playing)

- That's it.

They're all coming.

(Playing drums on the dishes)

- I'm sorry. He's just excited

Because he's having a reunion
with his college jazz band.

- All four jazztones
will be together again

After 25 years.

(Playing drums on the dishes)

- Apparently,
he's still excited.

d*ck, will this reunion be

A bunch of grown men
carrying on like college kids?

- If we're lucky.

I know, some of
the wildest times

I've ever had in my life
were with the jazztones.

One time, sheik and i...
- Sheik?

- Yeah. He was a
real lady k*ller.

You know, when he played his
sax and did his pelvic thrust,

Well, honey, just remember

That you're married, okay?

- Anyway, one time,
sheik and I took hog...

Joanna: hold it.

Someone actually
let you call him hog?

- Well, what else are you
gonna call a guy who, on a bet,

Scarfed down five
pizzas, a rack of ribs,

Two dozen doughnuts
and a bicycle seat?

- What did sheik
and hog call you?

- Slats.

- There must be a
zany story behind that.

- Well, I always wanted
a nickname and we,

You know, we just
made that one up.

But I mean, if you
want to talk crazy,

Our piano player was the
undisputed king of the loons.

I mean, he was a
natural leader of men.

He could get a food fight
started at the vatican.

- I almost don't want to
know what you called him.

- Phil.

But he was beyond nicknames.

Wait 'til you see his entrance.

He may come in
swinging on a rope,

He may come down the chimney.

You may find him buck
naked in our shower.

- d*ck, are you still
closing the inn next weekend

Because your annoying
friends from college are coming?

- Uh, yeah.

- Then I'm going to go to
boston to get away from them.

No, you're not.

You'll still have to
wait on d*ck's friends.

- Oh, poo.

- Hi, all,

With an extra kiss, kiss
to one in particular.

- Please let it be me.

- I was referring
to my wonder wench.

- Save it, michael. We
can't go to boston

And I'm about as
depressed as I get.

- Would a fancy lunch and
an afternoon of compliments

Cheer you up?

- Yes.

- Boy, do we know how
to cope with crises?

As long as we're together,

You'll never catch us
throwing away money on analysis.

- Yeah, you're the mental
health poster kids.

- Oh, d*ck, uh, one
thing before you go.

I'm having a slight
negative cash flow problem.

Could you see yourself
clear to make me liquid again?

- Sure, go in the kitchen
and hop in the blender.

(Laughing)

- Need I explain? I meant cash.

- Michael, I don't
want to let money

Mess up this great
relationship that we have.

Kiss, kiss.

- George.
- Hi, michael.

- George.

You and I are close
friends, aren't we?

- No.

I like you but,

We really don't spend
enough time together

To be considered close.

- Yeah. Well, but we have
a relationship, you and i.

- Not really.

We never go anywhere together.

We don't have a
single thing in common.

- Right.

And you wouldn't be able to
lend me $500 until next week?

- Sure.

- You will?

- Why not? I trust you.

- George, I think you and I
are going to be great friends.

- You mean, we'll
have long talks

And go places together?

- Well, let's not
o.d. On each other.

- Hi, michael.
- Hi, george.

Steph, your beau is here.

- Uh, michael, uh,
it's been a week

Since I lent you that money.

- Has it?

Boy, this whole
space-time continuum thing

Is a miracle to me.

Listen, I would
have had it for you

But I got hit with this
k*ller racquet club bill.

- Oh, okay. Well,
whenever you have it.

- You ever need
anything, just name it.

- Would you help me move
the piano against the wall?

- Hey, that's the
least I can do.

- I'm here.
- I'm ready.

- Oh, hold on, george, I'll
give you a hand with that.

- Are you sure, d*ck?
I've been b*rned before.

- Oh, excuse me, maybe you
didn't see the sign outside.

We're closed this weekend.

Together: slats.

- Hog, sheik?

- Uh, sheik, hog.

(Laughing)

- Didn't you recognize us?

- Oh, sure, sure.

You know, I was
just fooling around.

(Laughing)

- Same old slats.

- You haven't changed a bit.

- Well, you haven't either.

- Slats, I've lost 120 pounds.

- Except for that.

- And I've started to get
a little bald spot on top.

- Really?

- Is phil here yet?

- Uh, no.
- Oh, great.

We got here on time
for his entrance.

- Have you checked the shower?

(Laughing)

- Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

- Oh, this...

This is my friend and
handyman, george.

George, this is
al "sheik" fraser

And this is walter
"hog" ambrose.

- Oh, I heard so
much about you guys.

d*ck said when
you were together,

A minute never went by without
something crazy happening.

- Well, I guess we'd better
get the rest of our luggage.

- Oh, that's okay.
I'll take care of it.

So far, they've
been a letdown, d*ck.

- Hi.
- Oh, this is my wife, joanna.

Here they are, sheik and hog.

- Nice try, d*ck.

Hi, hog.

Hi, sheik.

d*ck told me you guys are
always fooling around like this.

- No, really, I'm sheik.

He's hog.
- Oh, stop.

- Honey, we're...
We're not kidding.

- Oh. Sorry.

- Well, have I got a
weekend planned.

What do you want to do first?

Eat, drink or swing
from the rafters?

- I'd like to take a nap.

- Ooh, that's a good idea.

(Laughing)

- You're serious?

Well, sure, sure, you
have to get some rest,

But be down here for dinner

Because we're cooking
up a real gut buster.

- Oh, yeah, well,
that reminds me.

Here is a list of my
dietary requirements.

I can't eat anything
that's difficult to digest.

- I'll show you to your rooms.

- Well, I hope there's
a phone in mine.

I got to call my wife.

- Oh, tell me about the missus.

She must be some knockout
to have corralled the sheik.

- Oh, not now, slats.

I was supposed to
call her 10 minutes ago.

I gotta hurry before
the grace period ends.

- My, are they a...

Are they a couple of
crazy nut buckets or what?

(Laughing)

- Michael, be careful.

- Here, let me
help you with that.

- Oh, uh.

- What's in here, anyway?

- It's a brand new color tv

With remote control
and stereo sound.

Michael bought it for me.

- Oh. Oh, he did.

Well, gee, it must be your
birthday or something.

- No, he bought it for
my favorite reason,

Because I saw it
and went "oooh."

George, will you hook it
up to the antenna for me?

- Sweet knees, let's not
impose on george now.

He can hook it up tomorrow.

- Isn't he considerate?

- Where are you going, george?

- Up to my room,

To watch my old fuzzy
black and white mono tv

With no remote control.

- Kind of a cynical
old guy, isn't he?

- Well, slats, that
was a terrific meal.

- Yeah, my special diet sure
didn't cramp joanna's cooking.

- Yeah, joanna
could always make up

A mean platter of
rice and strained pears.

- It's too bad it's
not sitting too well.

I think I overdid
it on the milk.

- Yeah, I was gonna
say something.

Remember the time that
phil rode the swivel chair...

- What are those there?

- Antrapone, stomach relaxer.

- Did you ever try diazedine?

I use it for my back spasms.

- Sure, I always carry some.

But you know what's really good?

- Guys, why don't we
just set out a buffet?

C'mon, guys,

What do you do
for fun these days?

(Laughing)
- you know,

I've gotten into
something a little crazy.

- Yeah?

- Model railroading.

You have these little
buildings and trees,

Even tiny people, and
if you're not careful,

That train can go
flying off that track

And doing a whole
mess of damage.

- That's a... That's a
big responsibility.

- Well, I tried a
bunch of home hobbies

And then I felt I
needed something more.

Something to get me out of
the house and into the world.

- Alright, sheik.

- So I joined a gardening club.

- Oh, this was fun.

Well, the only thing
that can top this

Is to play some music.

- But phil's not here yet.

- Yeah, but he will be

And if he walks
through that door naked,

He's gonna want
something to dance to.

- All right, let's give it a go.

(Drums)

- Oh, good.

I can't wait to
hear you guys play.

d*ck was always telling
me how great the band was.

(Jazz music, out of tune)

- My back! Joanna: oh, dear.

- Sheik!
- Oh, here.

- First my stomach,
now sheik's back.

This crazy weekend of
yours is gonna k*ll us.

- I'll be okay.

- Oh, okay, that's it,

I'm gonna find out
what's keeping phil.

It's still early on the coast.

Maybe his office
knows where he is.

Sheik: I'll be okay.

Somebody please
reach in my pocket

And give me two
blues and one yellow.

- Hello, I'm calling
about phil bradley.

We're having a
reunion in vermont

And could you tell
him to hurry on down?

We need a massive
injection of silly.

- I see.

Uh, when?

Thank you.

- Well? When's he
gonna get here?

- Oh, it could be a while.

Phil d*ed three weeks ago.

- Ah, here you are.

You still can't sleep?

- No.

- Well, honey, losing
a friend is tough.

- Yeah, well, that's not
all that's bothering me.

- What else?

- You know, even
though phil's dead,

I mean, he's still the liveliest
member of the jazztones.

- d*ck, don't say that.

- Joanna, people I
remember as total wild men

Have gotten bald, henpecked

And think gardening
is living on the edge.

- Well, d*ck,
everybody gets older.

I'm better at this wide awake.

- Joanna, face it, my
glory days are behind me.

I remember when I used to
climb stairs two at a time.

Now it's one by one.

Soon I'll need one
of those little chairs

That ride up the banister.

- Honey, you're forgetting
the positive things

About getting older.

You have security,
accomplishments,

Wisdom, a fairly nice
wardrobe, drums.

Maybe I'd better go back to bed.

(Yawning)
- what's this all about, slats?

- Yeah, getting up before
eight screws up my regularity.

- Just because phil is gone,

Doesn't mean it's all
over for the jazztones.

- You're not gonna
make us play again?

- No, but we have
to do something.

- What?

- Anything.

Wouldn't you like
to do something

That made you feel like
you did in the old days,

Something wild and insane?

- Well, would our
insurance cover it?

- You're missing the point.

Listen, if you
don't do it for me,

Do it for phil,

In honor of what he meant to us.

- Well, what kind of
thing do you want to do?

- Anything.

I mean, you guys decide.

As long as it's
wild and exciting.

- Let's go bowling!

- I was thinking of something

With a little more
of an element of risk.

- Let's eat mexican.

- I don't think you got
the right spirit yet.

Think danger, risk.

- Water-skiing.

- Keeping in mind we're
in vermont in winter.

- Sledding.

- Wait, better yet, tobogganing.

- Really?

- Yeah, it's perfect. It's
exhilarating. It's exciting

And there's a place just
a few miles from here.

- Ya know, I feel
nuttier already.

- Me too.

- The jazztones
are back in action.

- Yeah.

- I'll bring plenty of antacid
in case we stop for food.

- And I'll call my wife
and ask permission.

- Can I help you?

- Yeah. Yeah, we want to...

(Clearing throat) we
want to take a run.

- You guys look kind of
old for this sort of thing.

- Hey, we're the jazztones.

- Jazztones? Meet
the widowmaker.

- Will you put those away?

- Okay, you start right
here on whiplash way,

Then you hit paralyzer point,

sh**t into the sling sh*t,

And then slip under
guillotine bridge.

It'd help if you duck there.

- That sounds good, for a start.

- You are the jazztone.

Okay, what's your pleasure?
Lightning, rocket or pokey?

- Lightning.

- Slats, pokey
sounds kinda cute.

- Ah, not really.

It got its name when someone
took a branch in the eye.

- Lightning it is.

- Slats, this is dangerous.

- They wouldn't let you do
this if it were dangerous.

- You'll have to
sign this waiver.

(Reading) "we fully
release the management

From all liability for any
death or injury including,

But not limited to
the loss of limbs

And/or head."

- Yeah, we had to
add that last one.

- d*ck, our heads!

- Alright, so there's
an element of risk,

But that's the whole point.
To do something daring.

Something that lets
us know we're alive.

- And dying's gonna do that?

- My wife married
me for my looks.

She'll k*ll me if what's
left winds up on a tree.

- Listen, guys, if
you chicken out now,

You'll have to
admit to yourselves

That you're old and old is less.

- We could admit that.

- Old is less.

Okay. Can we go now?

- Guys,

For phil?

- For phil.
- For phil.

- What are we?

Together: - the jazztones!

- Ahh!

- Hi, michael.
- George.

If I had any idea I was
gonna bump into you here,

I would have brought
the money I owe you.

- Ah, that's okay.

It'll keep.

- Thanks.

Boy, if you ever open a bank,

You can count on a lot of
loan business from this guy.

Ha, ha.

My car's gone!

- You're kidding?
What did it look like?

- You know my car, george,

It's a red
mint-condition turbo z.

- Did it have a
distinctive pine scent?

- My odor snuffer.

Where did you get that?

- Same place I got this.

- My custom spoked
hubcap with curb cutters.

You took the pine tree
and hubcaps off my car?

- Among other things.

- Oh, no.

One of those... Things
from the engine.

George, I want those
back and I want them now.

- Well, they are
yours, michael...

For $500.

- You expect me to pay $500
for a deodor and a hubcap

And a smudgy black thing?

- Well, maybe not.

But what if I threw
in one of these?

- Forget it.

I don't need any
of those things.

Now where's the rest of my car?

- In the garage.

Of course, if you
drive without a door,

You could freeze to death.

But then you'd warm up as
soon as the engine explodes.

- I'll write you a check.

- Fine.

We'll go to the
bank and cash it.

We better take my car.

- Well, let me tell
you something, george,

This is the last time I ever
borrow money from you.

- I know.

- Joanna!

Joanna!

(Playing drums)

- d*ck, where have
you been all day?

- Careening wildly down a
treacherous mountain slope

In a runaway toboggan.

- You did a dangerous thing
like that without telling me first?

- Damn right.

That's what you get
when you marry a jazztone.

- What a ride! Phew!

That was the greatest
20 feet of my life.

- You only went 20 feet?

- Careening wildly.

We were thrown off the
course at the first curve

And we crashed headlong

Into this... Snow bank.

- Yeah, it was like running
right into a big comforter.

- Yeah, only we didn't know that

Until we careened
wildly into it.

Yeah, it was scary.

- Yeah, but
exciting. Ha, ha, ha.

Ooh, look at this.

I was supposed to call
my wife 27 minutes ago.

Let her wait.

- All right, sheik!

- Uh, could someone
help me to the couch.

I don't think I can walk it.

- Oh my god, while you
guys have been celebrating,

This man is obviously hurt.

- Oh, no, no, no.

This had nothing to
do with the toboggan.

- No, afterwards,
we did something

That took even more guts.

- We ate mexican.

- What are we?

- The jazztones!

(Theme music playing)

Man's voice: meow!