04x20 - Dwight Schmidlapp Is Not a Quitter

[bunniefuu]

(Theme music playing)

(Music playing)

- Honey, you want to
see a blast from the past?

- "Panel it perfect."

Oh, d*ck, I haven't
seen this in 15 years.

- No, I just wrote it.

- This is the blast
from the past.

- "Written by
dwight schmidlapp."

Aw.

- I don't get it, d*ck.

- Oh, that was the
pen name d*ck used

When he was
writing his first book.

- So that's your first book.

Aw.

- No, no, I just wrote this.

- You see, george, 15 years ago,

When d*ck was still
working at the ad agency,

He used to put
"dwight schmidlapp"

On his manuscripts
so no one would know

He was writing on the side.

- So it took you 15
years to write that?

- No, I just wrote this, george.

Look, see, I put "dwight
schmidlapp" on it

Because I thought
barney, my publisher,

Would get a kick out
of seeing the name again.

- Oh.

I hope he gets the
kick out of it I did, d*ck.

- Oh, my, isn't this
a beautiful place.

- Thank you, we're
very proud of...

- What are your rates?

- A room for
three is $50 a night.

- Really? Does that include
the reduced rate for children?

- That's only for kids under 5.

- Brian, tell these nice people

How old you're going
to be next month.

- Five.

- Maybe little brian
would like to tell us

What year he was born.

- About five years ago.

- On the button.

Pre-school's really paying off.

- Well, with the toddler
rate, that would be $45.

- And don't you
knock off a few bucks

For repeat customers?

- We've never seen you before.

- Yeah, but we're
coming back next year.

- $45.

- We'll take it.

- George, would you
help with the bags?

- Sure.

- Oh, is it customary to tip
the help at these country inns?

- Yes, it is. Male
guest: no, no, no,

Get away from those.

(Music playing)

- Refills are free, right?

- That's right.

- I meant on eggs.

- We have a bottomless
cup of coffee,

Not a bottomless chicken.

- Well, do you think
you could find us

Some more of those
delicious blueberry muffins?

- Try checking your purse.

- Morning, honey.

- They rejected my book.

- What?

Barney helpon
would never do that.

- Barney never saw it.

- Somebody didn't recognize
the name "schmidlapp"

And gave it to some
kid assistant editor

Who's still in diapers
who mistook it for doody.

- "Good work for a beginner.

"Shows some promise.

"Someday, might just
publish something."

That's very encouraging, d*ck.

- George, I'm a
professional writer.

I've been publishing
books for 15 years.

- Whoa.

Then he really lays
into you, doesn't he?

- Ooh, d*ck, rejected.
That's so awful.

Did I get any mail?

- d*ck, why don't you
just put your real name

On the manuscript,
send it to barney

And he'll publish it.

- No, no, this is the last

In a long series of screw ups.

The company has gotten too big.

Remember last year when
they stopped sending me

My royalty checks
because they said

The records indicated
that I was dead?

- Well, they did send
a beautiful wreath.

- Yeah, "in loving
memory of dink loudon."

This is the last straw.

- What are you gonna do?

- Me? Nothing.

But dwight schmidlapp
is gonna publish his book

With another firm.

Maybe barney will wake up.

C'mon, dwight, I'll teach you
the tricks of the writing game.

- Gosh, mr. Loudon, thanks.

(Music playing)

- Mail call for
dwight schmidlapp.

- Yo.

- Look at this.

Three responses from publishers.

- Ah, fantastic.

And the answer is,

"We're buying your book."

- We're buying your book.

- And the question is,

"What does it not
say in this letter?"

- They rejected it?

- Honey, don't
worry, there's always

One or two publishers out there

Who don't know
what they're doing.

And there's the other one.

- d*ck, forget those.

Listen to this.

"Dear mr. Schmidlapp,

"We at roy's books
admire your writing.

"We would be honored
to place your book

"On our list of
published works."

- Finally, a company with taste.

"Please remit $2,000

"And be the first
one on your block

"To have your name on
an actual published book."

Joanna: oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

- Hi, all. What's up?
Troubs in paradise?

- d*ck's had a book rejected.

- What was it, d*ck?

Three or four times?

- Clean your spectacles, folks,
this isn't addressed to d*ck.

It's addressed to this
poor schlub, schmidlapp.

Must be a real goon to have
a "how-to" book rejected.

(Laughing)

- "Schmidlapp" is my pen name.

- Really?

How did you go about
choosing that name?

It's too late to get
out of this, isn't it, d*ck?

- Yeah.

- d*ck, just submit the
book with your own name

And it'll sell immediately.

- Is this true, d*ck?

- Of course it is.

- Whoa!

You have achieved something
most americans only dream of.

- What massive rejection?

- No, you have arrived.

You can put your name
on any piece of crud,

(Laughing) and it'll sell.

You don't have to strive
for quality anymore.

(Laughing)

I envy you, compadre,
you can coast.

- I'm not coasting.

This book is as good as
anything I've ever written.

There's writing in here I
would stack up against

Hemingway or proust.

Well, you know, maybe
not this sentence.

Actually, proust might have
me on the whole paragraph.

How could I let this get by?

(Music playing)

- d*ck, you've been
in here three hours.

Is everything...
- Honey, honey,

Watch out, you're
stepping on chapter 5.

Actually, go ahead.

- Honey, what are you doing?

- I found a couple of
weak spots in the book.

- A couple?

- Yeah, the first half.

And the second half.

"Use high-grade paneling only."

"Only use high-grade..."

No.

"Use only high-grade paneling."

God, there's no way to say this.

- d*ck, you're not taking
those rejections seriously?

- Honey, michael was right.

I've been coasting on my
name for god knows how long.

I mean, four respected
professionals look at my work

Without knowing it's mine

And they all come to
the same unbiased opinion.

It sucks swamp water.

- Now, come on, d*ck,

Only one of them
actually used those words.

- Don't you understand,
honey, I'm a writer.

That's all I've
ever wanted to be,

To take words and
string them like pearls

Into a giant necklace
of communication.

God I stink at this.

(Music playing)

- 8-Ball, kiss off the 14.

- It's a one-in-a-million shot.

- Tell that to the 8-ball.

- You win. Again.

Looks like I owe
you another drink.

- Don't feel too bad, you
only made one mistake.

You played me.

- Hey, a woman.

- There you are.

- How'd you find me?

- You were feeling
down in the dumps

So I checked all the dumps.

- Real looker, huh?

Figured she'd go
on to schmidlapp.

- Schmidlapp?

- Joanna, gimme a break.

In the publishing world,
schmidlapp is dog meat.

Here, I'm king of all I survey.

- Is this what you've been
doing the last four days,

sh**ting pool?

- There's a lot more
to do than that.

I've been hoisting a
few, eating pickled eggs,

Swapping stories...

- So this must be rosalita, huh?

- Si.

- Rosalita, I'd like
you to meet my pals,

Snake and wild mel.

- Here you go,
dwight, your usual.

- Boy, can I use this.

- Aghh!

- What's with that
limeade anyway?

- My doctor said "give up
that quart of tequila everyday

"Or kiss your liver goodbye."

- Maybe I'll try one
of them limeades.

- d*ck, I've read
your book again.

It's wonderful.

- It's your shot, dwight.

- Excuse me, I've got
to fill some pockets.

- Ahh, a behind-the-back shot.

- He knows 100
ways to humiliate us.

- 101.

- Where did you learn
to play pool like that?

- Barcelona.

And you taught me.

- We have to talk.

- Not now, rosalita.

- d*ck, talk to me or I
tell snake and wild mel

That you are the author of
"making money raising bunnies."

- Hey, wild man, fill in for me.

- Wow.

Dwight's letting
you use his cue.

- d*ck, what would it
take to convince you

That you haven't
lost your talent?

- For "panel it perfect" to sell
without the name "d*ck loudon"

And win the pulitzer prize

And be made into a movie
starring meryl streep.

Let's face it, honey,
dwight's been rejected

By everybody in the business.

- Not everybody.

Four junior editors,

And who says they know
what they're talking about?

Didn't a critic say

"Oklahoma" would
only run a week?

Didn't a movie talent scout
say about fred astaire,

"Bald, can't act,
can dance a little"?

- Well, yeah.

And didn't a young
writer named "loudon"

Get rejected by 14 publishers
before he finally broke in?

- Yeah, but I was
different then.

I was young.

I was more ambitious.

I was named d*ck.

- And d*ck wanted to write

More than anything
else in his life.

And he wasn't a quitter.

But maybe dwight schmidlapp
is made of different stuff.

Maybe he isn't the
man d*ck loudon is.

- You've gone too far now.

Dwight may be a lot of
things but he's not a quitter.

Aghh.

- Fellas, I'm gathering moss.

It's time to roll.

Nice meeting you.

- But dwight, I thought we
were all going to latin america

To be mercenaries?

- I'll be with you in spirit.

- It's not gonna
stop a lot of b*ll*ts.

- Later.

(Music playing)

♪ All we need ♪

♪ Is a dark cold night ♪

(Music playing)

- Hi.

- How'd it go in new york?

- Pretty good. I found
some new restaurants

And finally got to see "cats."

- d*ck, what about the book?

- You know, it's interesting

How publishing houses
react to persistence.

I think the phrase I
heard most often was

"Security's on its way."

- Oh, d*ck, nobody bought it?

- Don't count dwight out yet.

Did any mail come for
him while I was away?

- There is something
from stockbridge & sons.

- Oh, terrific.

I knew that gambit
would pay off.

I sort of cozied up
to the cleaning lady.

She promised she'd get my
manuscript to the head man.

"Dear mr. Schmidlapp,

"Sorry I no give book
to mr. Stockbridge.

"I read and me no like."

- Thank you.
Everything was perfect.

Goodbye.

- I hope you
realize I did my best

To make your stay as
pleasant as possible

And I just want to know that
you appreciate all I've done.

- You were fine.

- Well, surely you can
express that another way.

- You were great.

- Am I getting a tip or what?

- Oh well, let's see, two weeks,
three people, what the heck.

- Mr. Van cleve,

Do you want me to keep
this whole dollar for myself

Or distribute it
among all the help?

- No, no, that's for everyone.

- Wow.

This is more than I deserve.

I'll go outside

And see if you have
air in your tires.

- Stephanie.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- I'll get your bill.

- Oh, don't bother.

I've taken the liberty of
adding up the figures myself.

- $98 For 14 days?

It should be over $600.

- True, but we were
actually in the room

Only a few hours a day.

- Honey, what are you doing?

- Well, as long as
I'm quitting writing,

I took some
measurements in there

And there's plenty
of room for a jukebox,

A pool table and some low lifes.

- d*ck, you can't quit writing.

- Oh, are you a writer?

- Not really. You
can't be a writer

If you can't get published.

- We know a publisher.

- You do?

- Yeah, he's my brother-in-law
jake's best friend.

Here's where he works.

Just be sure to tell
him jake sent you.

- Good old jake.

- Huh, don't kid yourself.

He's a tightwad.

- Now if we can
just settle this bill.

- What's the problem?

- The van cleves don't
want to pay for the time

They weren't in the room.

- We figure we owe you $98.

- You got it.

- What?

- Oh, wait a minute, honey,
I don't think that's right.

You know, little brian only ate
half his breakfast this morning.

- You know, they have a point.

Let's see, $98 minus half
a bowl of oatmeal, $23.50?

I bet you didn't use
all your towels.

Ha, ha, ha.

(Music playing)

- Have a seat, mr. Schmidlapp.

You know, this is
supposed to be my golf day

But since you're a friend
of jake's, say, cigar?

- No, no, thanks.

- You're sure? They're cuban.

A courier of ours sneaks them
in from europe every other week.

Customs never checks him.

- Gee, that's lucky.

I once brought
fruit in from canada.

Boy, did I catch hell.

(Laughing)

- Anyway, the reason i...

- Well, tell me, how is jake?

- Jake? Well, you know jake.

(Laughing)

- Is he back in the country?

- Yes.

- Fantastic. Let's call him.

- Oh, you mean, this country?

- Yeah.

- Uh, no, no, he's
still over there.

- Ah, how's little molly doing?

- Ha, ha, oh, she'll
talk your ear off

If you let her, you know.

(Laughing)

- That's interesting.

Molly's his dog.

- Well, talk, bark, you know,

We all come from
the same guy upstairs.

- All right, all
right. Who are you?

- Look, I'm gonna be
completely honest with you.

I'm dwight schmidlapp.

Jake's brother-in-law
gave me your name.

I have this manuscript.

- Oh, no. No, no.

You don't lie your way in here

And expect to get
any attention from me.

Just submit that
through channels.

- But I've been
through channels.

I mean, I've been rejected
by junior editors

Because they never heard of me.

I've even been rejected
by a cleaning lady

Because she read
but she no like.

- Look, I really want
to get to my golf game.

- How does a kid get a
break in this business?

- Kid?

Look, son,

Everybody thinks he's a writer.

- But I am.

- See what I mean?

- No, I really am a writer.

Read this.

You'd be hard put to tell
any difference between this

And, say, the work
of d*ck loudon.

- d*ck loudon?

(Chuckling) not exactly
sh**ting for the moon, are you?

- What's wrong with d*ck loudon?

- Oh, nothing, I guess
he's one of the best

"How-to" writers around.

I just don't happen to care
for those cutsie-pooh jokes

He throws in.

You know, "your fantasy bathroom

"Doesn't have to
be a pipe dream."

(Laughing)

(Clearing throat)

- Sorry, kid.

Good luck with that
manuscript, someplace else.

- Can I use your phone?

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

- Hello, us custom service?

Yes, could I speak to your
cuban cigar guy, please?

Yeah, I'll hold.

- You wouldn't?

- All I want you
to do is read it.

- Well, I won't.

- You say you smuggle two
cases of these a month, right?

- Okay, okay, okay.

I'll read it.

- Oh, cuban cigar guy,

Yeah, I just called to say

That you're doing a great job,

I haven't seen a
cuban cigar in years.

- "You don't need a panel of
experts to panel expertly."

(Laughing)

(Music playing)

- Okay, steph, the van
cleves were here 14 days.

They should have
tipped you $2 a day.

They left you $1,

Out of which we had to
give 50 cents to george.

- Yes, michael.

- So if I want to wipe
that pout of your face

That means

I owe you $27.50.

- If you want.

- I just heard d*ck's car.

- Boy, I sure hope
he found a publisher.

- I'm almost afraid
to ask, how did it go?

- Well, let me put
it this way, joanna.

Me sell book.

(Theme music playing)

- Meow!