34x16 - Hostile Kirk Place

Episode transcripts for the 1989 TV show "The Simpsons". Aired: December 1989 to present.*

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"The Simpsons" - set in the fictional town of Springfield - parodies American culture, society, television, and many aspects of the human condition, and is a satirical depiction of a middle class American lifestyle.
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34x16 - Hostile Kirk Place

Post by bunniefuu »

So weird.

- So, can I stay for dinner?
- No.

And they'll toot their horn-honkers

to proclaim its renown.

But there's one tale the townsfolk

won't brag of or bray.

It's what happened on Springfield's

dum-dummiest day.

Ach! The grid is overloaded.

But who and how and where and what for?

Ach! Eek!

Loch! Ewan!


My precious grid.

One more daft device and she'll explode.


Dear God, to mitigate the smell
of emulsified eggs and vinegar,

we'll have to close
the school for weeks.

- Yay!
- Awesome.

- That's great!
- All right!

You clearly misheard me.

I said the school will be closed.

And we said, "woo-hoo," "awesome,"

and "that's great."

You're watching[/i] SportsCenter Classic.

Stay tuned for more exciting
baseball scores from .


I was two years old then.

Or was I ?

Stressed out from IRS troubles?

Irreversible Mortgage?

Chockaholic's Foot,
formerly known as diabetes?

I can make those stresses disappear

like a shattered backboard.

Late-night commercial
legend Shaquille O'Neal?

You need Tightie Mighties,

the compression
underwear with the proven

nerve-soothing properties
of copper wire.

Operators are standing by.

It's a slam dunk.

That's the best kind of dunk.

For crying out loud.

I said no more buying junk

from late-night ads on basic cable.

Look at all this stuff.

Unkinkable garden hoses,

squatty potties.

Why do you need the world's
most powerful flashlight?


It has the most lumens.

These late-night cable
hucksters are getting rich

off gullible people like you.

Oh, no, you're right.

I'm as stupid as the guy
who couldn't make spaghetti

before he bought the Spaghetti Samurai.

Dad, wake up.

Get up, dummy.


This is our classroom

until our school
doesn't smell like eggs.


Every half-assed parent's nightmare.


First law of robotics:

you suck.

Okay, so, if I have $ in the bank,

and your mother wants
to take two-thirds of it

to buy a purse, when her old purse

is just fine...

You? $ in the bank?

What are you teaching him,
science fiction?

No, real fiction, Luann.
It's real fiction.

Okay, class,

it's time for our unit
on Springfield history.

Ooh, more pumpkin stickers for me.

I still got room for one
more between my toes.

"Chapter four:

a Great Endeavor."

Today, we christen

the Great Springfield Gazebo,

wherein romance-minded gentlemen

the world over may come

to court their intendeds.

This grand new structure

shall make Springfield

the woo-pitching capital of America.

Gentlemen, start your ukuleles.

I will always

Be true

Spend my days

Pitching woo

To you...

Oh, God, oh, dear God, um,

we didn't account for
the harmonic frequency

of the wooing. It's too romantic!

Please, I beg you, stop making love

in the old-timey sense as
we understand it today.

Not a moment I'll rue

As I serenade you

My sweet

Mary Lou.

Glory turned to fiasco

for the disgraced Mayor of Springfield,

Eustace Van Houten.

Aw, soup crackers.

- Charlatan!
- Mountebank!


Dad, was he one of our relatives?

Yeah, he was
your great-great-grandfather.

Not so great, I guess.

So, the Van Houtens
have always been losers.

Not true, son. Hey, your granddad

once prepared a Caesar
salad for Dean Martin,

right at the table.

Fine, Dad. I'm gonna go to Phys Ed.

We're doing swimming today.


My life is hard enough,

now I find out that the
school is teaching my son

that every one of his
ancestors is a loser.

I bought so many stupid
useless products.

Pretzel Straightener, Face Bidet,

Spray-on Music.

I'm financially ruined,

and it's all his fault.

Now your belly button can
live the lint-free lifestyle

with the Navel Vac.

And she'll like it, too.

She didn't.

Shaq, you suckered me again.

Hey, hey, hey.
I will not have you badmouthing

Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal.

Four-time NBA champ,

rapper, actor, sheriff,

restaurateur, black belt in Shaq-Fu,

Shaq belt in kung fu,

and now the Big Aristotle dominates

the late-night airwaves.

He is living proof that anybody

can make their dreams come true.

You're right. If I could just
think of one thing to sell

that nobody needs and everybody wants,

I could pay off my bills

and be a super-success like Shaq.

And you, Big Milhouse, stop whining.

Somebody calls your family a loser,

you stand up for yourself.

I will.

On behalf of the school board,
I declare

school is officially reopened.

Let the free childcare and
intermittent learning resume.

I'm here to officially
protest the teaching

of the Great Springfield
Gazebo Disaster.

It makes our children hate our town

and me hate myself.

The Gazebo Disaster?

But we plan to tread water
on that unit for months.

We're doing two weeks

on the substandard metal bracing alone.

Not anymore.

I demand that you ban

Critical Brace Theory now.

Sir, we're not changing our curriculum

just to shore up the
wet cardboard lean-to

that is your family self-esteem.

Then you leave me one choice.

Until you meet my demands,

I'm going to play this trumpet, on which

I have no formal training.

- Aah!
- Mr. Van Houten, if we,

uh, if we could just...

Look, there's no need
for brass instruments.

For years,
we've been pleading with parents

to get more involved.

What the hell were we thinking?

I know Kirk is angry,

but I'm a little worried this meeting

will go off the rails.

Marge, stop saying things.

I'm trying to think
of an amazing product

that can get us out of debt.

Uh... um...

Handgun Underpants? Mm, no.

Uh, Bucket in a Box?

Spoon . ? Steak Bedazzler?


Yes, we are all here

because one lone parent raised an issue

that he thinks is worth me missing

the new Equalizer starring

that delightful Queen Latifah.

Kirk! You, regrettably,

have the floor.

We need to stop teaching

that my great-grandfather's
gazebo was a disaster.

But it was, and it was his fault.

His dying words were, "My bad."

So? Why can't our kids learn

about things that make our town proud?

Like, how if you want
to make a right on red,

it's usually not a problem.

Why do we have to
focus on the bad stuff?

We completely disagree.

It's essential that all of
Springfield's darkest chapters

be taught: the monorail,

Lady Gaga's visit,

and the gazebo collapse.

If our kids aren't made to
feel ashamed of the past,

how will they learn to
be ashamed of the future?

Look at my son.

You think he needs to
feel worse about himself

than he already clearly does?

You are doing this to him!

I agree with the bald lady.

Why does history have to be hurtful?

Every book about World w*r II

makes the Germans the bad guys.

Stop teaching facts!

Historical guilt is everything.

You snowflakes are hurting our feelings.

Those who cannot remember the past

are condemned to repeat it.

On the other hand,
those who cannot remember the past

are condemned to repeat it.

People, people, people! People.

We are not going to settle this tonight.

I move that we end this meeting

with everyone angry and dissatisfied.

All in favor?


Wonderful. It's unanimous.

- Mm.
- Dad, I know this is a weird thing

for a son to say to his father,

but I'm proud of you.

You actually convinced people.

I did?

You the man, Kirk.

- I am?
- No, you the my man.

This marriage may have

just got un-sexless.

It's so sad when people can't get along.

It causes upsetment.

Marge, people need to disagree

and have their voice shouted over.

That's what democracy was.
Remember that?

But everyone in this
country is so divided.

Where will all this hostility lead?

I'll tell you where it leads, Homer.

Straight to the bank... the money bank.

- This is the idea you've been looking for.
- It is?

What's the one thing every
American has in common?

They're furious all the time

about everything.


Now, think...
how can you make money from that?

I know just what to do.

Hurry up, everyone!

My thing's coming on.

The thing I never told you about.

Are you full of anger
at your kids' school

or at life in general?

You know it.

Well, now you can express
your scalding hot rage

with the light-up "Me-Shirt."

Why, that's so obnoxious. I love it.

The Me-Shirt has dozens
of snappy slogans

tailor-made for your recently-acquired

but deeply-held views.

"Never Remember,"
"The Truth Will Make You Sad,"

and "Don't Teach on Me."

Plus, the copper-infused
fiber that powers the lights

gives you more energy

and pushes all the blood to your face.

- _
- I'll never look not angry again.

Wow, Dad, way to milk the rage-bucks

out of the red hat crowd.

Well, I found it appalling.

We have a shirt for you, too.

Oh, hi there. You caught me wearing

my carbon-neutral light-up shirt

with progressive slogans like:

"Shame On Us," "I Know Best,"

and "Who farted? All the cows
raised by the beef industry!"

That's despicable.

Though that fart slogan
makes a good point.

You're pitting people
against each other.

Lisa, that's what the T-shirt
industry has always done,

ever since "I'm With Stupid."

Now, Daddy's just giving
"stupid" a chance to respond.

Ooh! They're responding.

Tell me who you hate and
I'll get it right out to you.


Yeah, I-I just want to say one thing

to your millions and
millions of viewers:

I'm being silenced!


In all this discord,
if there's one thing

that can bring us all together,
it's the holidays.

I don't know. The Christmas spirit

just feels different this year.

- Nice shirt.
- Go to hell.

Stop the celebration!

Oh, for the love of nog,
these loonies again?

Yeah, and we won't stop looning

until you stop teaching that
the gazebo was a disaster.

But people died.

That's why I'm an orphan.

Oh, this guy's a crisis actor.

How come every bad thing

seems to conveniently happen to him?

Aah! Aah!

We must never forget the gazebo,

the victims who lost their lives,

and the suitors who lost their ukuleles.


There's a story that
goes of the big gazebo

That fell down one
breezy June Sunday

The mayor, it's said

Had rocks in his head

And he went by the
name of Van Houten...

My history!

My choice!

Our gazebo was "noice!"

Please, please, everyone.

It's the holidays.

Can't we just find common
ground and compromise?

I mean, the one thing
both sides can agree on

is that we all care about our kids,


Marge, you are so right,

but there's only one
side that I'm afraid

will burn this whole
godforsaken town to the ground.

Burn it!

Stop teaching the damn gazebo collapse.

Mr. Mayor, my whole career,
I have fought tirelessly to...

Damn it, Gary, it's just one thing.

Fine. Who gives a crap?

Wow. I actually won something.

Let's get ready

to meddle!

Oh. I'm getting a sick
feeling in my stomach.

Oh, don't worry so much, honey.

People just want to
feel proud of our town.

And remember,
I'm still on the school board,

so I can be a guardrail

to keep Kirk's worst impulses in check.

I mean, how bad can it be?

Wow, I can't believe all this happened

in only three weeks.


So the people surrendered
to Van Houten's wishes,

and his face was on everything,

even knishes.

But for Springfield, the outcome

was rather pernicious.

It's the Channel News
with Kent Brockman.

Brought to you by Homer's
House of Copper-ganda,

your one-stop shop for
form-fitting Kirk-wear.

Good evening, and all hail Kirk.

Our top story:

The Springfield bookmobile
visits a local landmark,

which is getting a new name.

I re-christen thee

The Eternal Flame

of Redaction and Beauty.

You said you'd only burn half the books.

Half? No way.

This is all part of my plan

to turn eyesores into pride-sores.


I didn't sleep a wink.

I can fix that.
I'll adjust your copper number.


Homer, things are terrible in this town.

Kirk got a little bit
of power to control

what the kids learn and
he went cuckoo with it,

and we helped him.

I just really thought I could be

the grown-up in the room.

Yeah, 'cause that always works.

I've got to do something
to save Springfield

and I need you to help me.

Great idea. What's in it for me?

Homer, what does it profit a man

if he gains the world

but loses his soul?

Uh, he gains the world.

I got to put that on a shirt.


Hey there, great leader.

You're looking especially
non-repulsive today.

With great power comes great
"you have to like me."


Um, uh, e-excuse me.

Marge, my guardrail. Have a seat.

So, what's the good word?

And I only want good words.

Ugh. I know
you don't want to hear it, Kirk,

but our schools are a disaster.

Reading levels have plummeted

because there are no books
left for kids to read.

Sure, but those books were bummers.

They're not bummers,

they're the sum of human knowledge.

You can't base an entire
society on ignorance

and forgetting the past.


Marge, thank you
for telling me all this.

Top-notch guardrailing.

I know now this moment
calls for serious action.


Damn it.

So how about this gazebo?

It's twice as big as the original...

which never existed.

I declare we have won the w*r

against history.

It's time to rock out

with your Kirk out.

The past never happened!

What is happening?

Uh, the electricity running through

everyone's copper T-shirts has created

a massive electrical field

and a full-fledged magnetic disturbance.

Dumb it down for us.

Well, I just did.

Soup crackers!

Attention, everyone.

We learned something
very important today.

You can try to ignore history,

but not science.

No matter how much we deny it,

science is real,

and we must not anger her.


And that became known as

Springfield's Craziest, Kirkiest,

Stupidest, Bloopidest Day.

How dare you teach that
horrible story to my child.

♪ There's a story
that goes of the big gazebo

That fell down one
breezy June Sunday

The mayor, it's said

Had rocks in his head

And he went by the
name of Van Houten

The pitching of woo

Was heartfelt and true

And it raised all the fair ladies'

But the braces gave way

And the corpses, they say

Stretched out to
Lake Gobedygooby

This song of wrecked
steel and human ordeal

Will go on for more verses

Gazebos are.

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