01x23 - Invasion of the Buddy Snatcher

[bunniefuu]

Come on.

You'll love it.

I'm not so sure about this, Dharma.

What kind of guys put lipstick on theirwives?

French guys.

Well, thereyou go.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

I'll tell you what.

Ifthis doesn't rockyourworld I'll put on one ofyour dress shirts with no pants and high heels.

- That seems fair.

- Attaboy! Ooh, red.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, I guess, uh, pucker up.

No, I don't pucker up.

In fact, my mouth has to be open.

Oh.

Start with my upper lip.

Oh, boy.



- Good so far, huh?



- Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Now do my bottom.

Please don't say that.

Come on.



- Dharma?



- Huh?

I have no blood in my head whatsoever.

Okay, pot's right.

Last card down and dirty.

[Jane ]

What'd I miss?

All right.

Best car ever made: '57 T

-Bird.

Best sausage: Sheboygan brats.

Which somehow lead to "Which network anchorwoman would do the best lap dance?

"

- Maria Shriver.



- See?

That's where I would have gone.

But apparently fear of Arnold runs pretty high.

Cokie Roberts?

Cokie Roberts is a bright woman.

You reallywant a woman that's smarter than you giving you a lap dance?



- Of course.



- How about Mary Hart?

Ah, no, no, no, she's smarter than Greg too.

[ Men Chuckling ]

I don't think I've ever seen your husband with his friends.

I know.

You know what it's like?

It's like seeing a lion in a zoo and then seeing the lion out on the Serengeti talking about a bunch of stupid stuffwith other lions.



- Could I try somethin'?



-Just keepyour hands in thejeep.

[Jane]

Baseball playerwho'd look best in drag?

Ken GriffeyJr.

He's got a mustache.

Now David Justice could be cute.



- Plus, he's a lefty.



- What's that got to do with it?

I'm just sayin', it's harder to find a lefty.



- Who's he?



- Oh, man, you're gonna love this.

He's been in the poker game for twoyears, and no one knows his name.



- Hey, guys.



- Lookwho's here!

- Hey, big guy.



- Hey, dude.

Hey, man.

Nice hair cut, captain.



- What slugs.



- [ Dharma ]

They're not slugs,Jane.

They're like clams.

You just gotta get 'em to open up.

Watch this.



- Hey, Rog! Favorite Stooge?



- Moe.

Yeah, Moe rules! Whoo! You rock!

- Dharma, doyou have anything for a headache?



- Why?

What's the matter?

I have a headache.

Well, Roger, that's just a symptom.

Usually there's an emotional problem that goes along with our physical ailment.

Aspirin, ibuprofen, acetaminophen.

Loneliness, depression, anger.



- A little bourbon would be just fine.



- Is everything okay at work?

Actually, I'm not working.

I, uh, got laid off.

Oh.

And you haven't told yourwifeyet, haveyou?



- How did you know?



- You just had your clam shucked, boy.

And so I'm outta work, I'm outta money and like an idiot, I buy a Porsche.

You're not an idiot, Roger, you know.

I mean, you're just

- You're just trying to reclaim your masculinity in some way, you know.



- You're right.



- Yeah.

Sound familiar, Stuart?

No.

I need the boat because I entertain clients.

Ah.

You need the boat because

- Because I don't feel good about myself.

[Dharma ]

Thereya go.

Can I

- Can I say something?

Sure, Howard.

My entire life is a lie.

Aw.

So this Howard and this Howard aren't gettin' along, huh?



- They never even met.



- It's okay.

Doyou have any nines?

No.



- Say it.



- I don't want to.

Come on.

Just say it.

Go fish.

Thankyou.

I believe I will! So apparently these ducks are some sort of protected species and there's not a thing I can do about them.

Except complain.

Well, what did you expect me to do?

Well, darling, they are ruining the pool.

Can'tyou make a phone call?

Mother, I work for theJustice Department.

Ifyour ducks take a minor across state lines, I'll make a phone call.

Cannonball! Whoo! [WaterSplashing]



- [Ducks FlyingAway]



- Problem solved.



- [Dharma ]

Marco!

- Polo!

- Edward, please don't encourage her.



- [ WaterSplashes ]



- Wow, they come right back, don't they?



- I know, I know.

I had the maid jump in and out of the pool all dayyesterday.

It didn't do a thing.



- A couple ofyour ducks bit me.



- They're not my ducks.

Really?

They sure act likeyour ducks.

Why don'tyou just drain the pool?

[Kitty]

I can't.

I'm having a bigpartynext Sunday.

[ Greg]

Then paint the ducks white and tell every.

one they're stumpyswans.

[ Kitty]

Edward, please tellyour son he is not helping.



- Edward?



- Polo.



- [ Ri ngi ng ]



- Dharma, dear, you could go change in the cabana over there.

All done.

Montgomery.

.

Oh, hey, Stuart.

Dharma?

Yeah, she's right here.

Hey, Stuart, what's up?

Oh, no, that happens to guys all the time.

Don't feel bad.

No, lots of guys have problems with impotence.

Who is she talking to?

A poker buddy of mine.

Sometimes it's stress, sometimes it's diet

-

- Well, why is she talking

-

- Shh, shh, shh, shh! I'll tell you what.

How 'bout I takeyou over to my Chinese herbalist tomorrow morning and see ifwe can't put some starch back in that collar.

Yeah.

No, don't thank me.

That's what friends are for.

Okay.

Oh, wait.

Hold on.

Doyou want to say anything to Stuart?

What am I supposed to say?

Tell him it comes and goes.

[ Sighs ]

So it doesn't botheryou thatyourwife's talkin' to Stuart about his

-Well, you know.



- You can say "impotence.

"

- No, you can't.

Because ifyou say it, you think it.

Ifyou think it, you got it.

Ifyou got it, you might as well be buying black shoes for the beach, my friend.

You're done.

Hey, the guy's got a problem.

Mywife's got a solution.

I don't see any harm in it.

Yeah?

What ifthey become friends?

What about it?

She wants to be friends with my friends.

I think that's great.

Areyou kiddin' me?

All right.

Sayyou have an affair with Cindy Crawford.

I'm not going to have an affair with Cindy Crawford.

Yeah, no kiddin'.

But sayyou did, who areyou gonna tell?

You can't tell your friends because now they'reyourwife's

-

- Hey, guys.



- Habeas corpus, ex post facto, e pluribus unum.



- Dharma, hi.

Let me askyou a question.



- Hi.

Okay.



- Ifl had an affairwith Cindy Crawford, could I tell you?



- I'd tell you.

Thereyou go.

Problem solved.

What areyou doin' here?

I'm just havin' lunch with Howard downstairs and I thought I'd come by and say hello.



- Howard?

Greg's friend Howard?



- Mm

-hmm.

Uh

-huh.

He called you?

Yeah, he was, uh, talking to Stuart and

- 'Cause he wanted the number of my acupuncturist.

And then we ended up talking for, like, three hours, so we just figured we'd go get lunch.

Anyway, I don't wanna keep him, honey.

I'll seeyou.



- Have a good day.

Bye, Pete.



- Toodle

-oo.

[Door Closes ]



- It

-It doesn't bother me.



- I didn't say anything.

I know you didn't.

I'm just reiterating I'm comfortable with mywife bonding with my friends and forming their own friendships separate from mine.



- Well, then you're a better man than I am.



- Thankyou.

I'm still a better man than you.

I'm so glad to get that off my chest.

You know that old saying.

Ifyou're gonna bottle upyour feelings, you better pickle 'em first.

I haven't heard that saying.

Actually, I made it up, but I don't think it's catching on verywell.



- Hey, lookwho's here!

- Hi, Howard.



- Uh, honey, can I talk toyou for a sec?



- Sure.

Excuse me.

I want to know five things you love aboutyourselfby the time I get back.

Uh, Dharma, remember howyou always say ifyou're gonna bottle upyour feelings, you better pickle 'em first?

Hey, it is catching on! I'm just a little uncomfortable thatyou're spending so much time with myfriends.

I'm sorry, Greg, but they are dying for someone to talk to.

Did you know that Roger is about to declare bankruptcy?



- I had no idea.



- Yeah.

And Paul has some major self

-esteem issues.



- Paul?

Who's Paul?



- The guy in your poker game whose nameyou don't know.

Paul

- Paul! You didn't happen to get a last name, did ya?

Paul Binyan.

How can you forget a guy whose name is Paul Binyan?



- I'm sorry.

What wereyou saying about me and your friends?



- It's not a good idea.



- Why?



- I don't know.

What if Howard had too much to drink and hit on you?



- Believe me, Greg, that's not gonna happen.



- Why not?

'Cause Howard's got a crush on you.

What?

See?

Nothin' to worry about.



- Okay, have fun.



- [ Men ]

Where ya goin'?

Stick around.



- Oh, no, now you boys just playwith Greg.



- [ All Moan ]

Are we playing cards?

It's a dollar to Roger.



- I'll see the dollar and raise four.



- Oooh.

[Dharma's Voice ]

Roger's fiiling fiorbankruptcy.

You sure you wanna do that, Roger?

'Cause I'm pretty sure Pete filled out his straight.

And thanks for pointin' that out.

Relax, Pete.

It's a friendly game.

Greg's right, Pete.

It's a friendly game.

[Dharma's Voice ]

Howard's got a crush onyou.

Let's not get excited, Howard.

What are you talking about?

No one's getting excited.

[Dharma's Voice ]

Lots ofimen have problems with impotence.

That's it! I can't play anymore!

- You can have my chips

-

- [Dharma's Voice ]

Paul Binyan.

Paul Binyan.

What's with him?



- Who knows?



- Well, maybe somebody should go talk to him.

I'll go.



- [ Moans ]



- [Ducks Quacking]

Oh, yeah.

See, what's happening here is you've got a mating pair.

And so once ducks have chosen a nesting area, they become very territorial.

Wonderfully informative, Abby, but Dharma said you could get rid ofthem.

You bet she can get rid ofthem.

Abby's got a degree from Berkeley in ornithological psychology.

It's the study ofbird brains.

That must come in handy.



- Hey, Kitty.



- Mm

-hmm?

Does it botheryou that the amount of energyyou use to heat this pool could keep a third

-world familywarm for an entire winter?

I thought the third world was in a warm climate.

Well, hello toyou too.

[ Whistle Quacking ]

First, I'm gonna open a line of communication.

Uh

-huh.

And then tell them ifthey don't leave, I'm throwing a hair dryer in the pool.



- Hey, what's this?



- [Bell Buzzes ]

Can getyou something, Mr.

Finkelstein?

Whoa, Celia.

Sorry.

No, you don't have to wait on me.

I cannot endorse by my actions any system that places one human being in servitude to another.

I just made a pitcher of strawberry margaritas.

Well, ifthey're already made.



- [ Quacking ]



- [ Screams ]

Hey, honey, all the guys are meetin'up at Hanrahans.

Doyou wanna go?

I can't.

I've already made plans of my own.

Oh, sh**t, 'cause Howard's showing a bunch of his charcoal drawings.

He's got a couple ofbeauties ofyou at the gym.

The gym.

Huh.

Neat.

Uh, but as I said before, I've already made plans of my own.



- Well, have fun.

Seeya.



- Don'tyou wanna know what they are?



- Uh, okay, sure.



- Well, ifyou must know I'm getting together with your friend Jane.

You know,justJane and me hangin' out, bein' friends.

Unless that bothers you.

No, I think it's awesome.

Have fun.

[ Line Ringing ]



- [ Pete]

Speak to me.



- Pete, it's Greg.



- Hey, what's up?



- Well, your brilliant plan backfired.

Now I actually have to hang out with freaky Jane or Dharma's gonna find out that

- Ha, ha! I'm not in.

Leave a message, then get outta the gene pool, ya idiot! [ Machine Beeps ]

[SingingSoftly]

[Knocking]

Ah, stay! Hi,Jane.

I was just wonderin' if

- Quick! Inside.

Anybody follow you?



- No, why?



- No reason.

Just screwin' with ya.

What doya want?

I was just thinkin', uh you and me could, you know, hang out and get to know each other.

Cool.

Hey, everybody.



- This is Greg.

He's a cop.



- I'm not a cop.

He wants to hang out with us.

[ Singing ]

I'm not a cop.



- We're all cops here.



- Is that so?

Don't be scared.

I'm not scared.

[ Singing Continues ]



- Hey, hey, hey.



- [ Singing Stops ]

Hey, guys.

Maybe Greg wants to play our game.

Oh, no, no, no, that's okay.

I'll just, uh

- You guys play.

I'll watch.

[ Chuckles ]

He wants to be the watcher?

No one's evervolunteered to be the watcher.

Well, I meant that I'll, uh

- I won't participate.

The watcher does not speak! Okay.

No speaking.

Okay, let's start.

Everybody, think a number and lick the watcher's face.

No, no, no.

No licking the watcher's face.

Hi, I'm d*ck Clark.

Oh, hi.

Listen, you don't wanna come in here.

It's just, uh

- Don't come in here.

Oh, you must be the watcher.

[Woman Singing]

[SingingStops ]

Oh, dear God.

What are they doing now?

Well, as I understand it, they're using smoke and noise to drive away the ducks.

[Radio: Soul]

Okay, Larry, I'm gonna spend the night with the ducks.

Good luck, honey! Please tell me that's not what I think it is.

Hey, ifyou smelled barbecued people, would you stick around?

Dharma, I don't know quite how to say this but we're thinking about dropping Greg from the poker game.

Why?

Well, we were all hoping the game could evolve into more ofa discussion group.

But every time we touch on anything real or meaningful bam, Greg just

- he puts up thewalls.

Well, you guys, that's just because he doesn't knowyou like I do.

I thinkyou should give him more time.

I agreewith Dharma.

I don't thinkwe're being fairto Greg.

Okay, listen.

I'm trying to be okaywith this but this is just totallyweird and wrong and weird and that's all I have to say.



- Bam, walls.



- Honey.

What is going on?



- Dharma, you ruined my poker buddies.



- How?

They're all "touchy

-feely.

" But that's good.

Honey, you've learned more about them in the last week than you have in all the years you've been playing pokerwith them.

That's how you ruined it.

Once a week I like to sit down with guys I don't really know and talk about things I don't really care about.



- You like it that way?



- Yes.

Doyou know how long it took to find five insensitive guys in California?

We had to bring Stuart in from Chicago! I didn't understand.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well, it's a little late for that now.

Look at 'em.

Well, look on the bright side.

You get to spend more time with your new friend,Jane.

Hi, honey.

You're home.

How was your day?

Uh, fine.

Dharma, who are they?

These areyournewpoker

-playing buddies and I promise not to ruin them.

Bye.

Go, go, go.

Hey, guys, what's up?



- Hey.



- How ya doin'?



- Sit down.

Play a hand.



- Uh, let me askyou a question.

TV's broken, you only have a choice between two channels.

Women's golf, women's bowling.

What doyou do?



- Take a nap!

- Deal me in!

- What's the game?



- [Man ]

All right.

Jacks orbetter

- Larry, I've tried everything, and I can't get rid of these ducks.

They've decided to make this backyard their mating area.

Huh.

What would happen if some other animals started mating here?

Most likely they'd see it as competition for resources and leave.

Huh.

Edward, what areyou looking at?

- The ducks are gone.

- Oh, good.

Oh! Oh, Lord, I can't

- It's 4 to 6 Foot!