01x01 - Pay It Forward

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: ...in a fast-food

Restaurant...

Kiss it! Kiss it!

Oh!

Narrator: ...in a public

Park...

We're looking to get

Signatures for a good cause.

It's just for "adult virgins not

By choice."

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: ...and in a

Warehouse store.

The next woman behind you,

When you turn around, yell "milf

Alert!"

[ Groans ]

[ Hysterical laughter ]

[ Horns honk ]

Leaping lizards!

We are at white castle, where

We're gonna be working the

Registers, and we're gonna be

Trying to get tips, but it's not

Gonna be easy...

Because the rest of us will

Be downstairs telling you what

You got to say and do.

We're gonna be the worst workers

Of all time, and if you don't

Get a tip...you lose.

[ Record scratches ]

Okay. I got somebody.

This is it.

Get ready.

How are you?

One double cheese.

Okay.

Dour white castles

And a small soda.

Scream the order back to him.

So, that's one double

White castle, four white castle

Burgers, and a small drink!

[ Laughter ]

Staying in?

Staying.

Staying!

[ Laughter ]

Waiting for card authorization.

Approved!

Approved!

Ba-boom! Ba-boom! Ba-boom!

Four double cheeseburgers

Don't look at the guy.

How many cheeseburgers?

Four double cheeseburgers.

Four double cheeseburgers.

And what's your name?

Gary. Gary?

Yes.

Okay. And a beverage?

Uh...

[ Laughter ]

A bottle of water.

Bottle of water.

Just one bottle of water?

That's it.

You driving back to brooklyn

Tonight?

Yeah, right now. Yup.

There's gonna be a lot of

Traffic on the sunrise highway.

Yeah, it'll be ok.

He just got a tip!

Thank you for the tip, gary.

I appreciate it.

Thank you. Nice meeting you.

Thank you, sir.

[ Ding! ]

[ Record scratches ]

Hey. How you doing, ma'am?

I'm great.

Rhyme everything they ask

For.

Are you kidding me?

I need seven cheeseburgers.

Seven shmeeseburgers?

An order of onion rings.

An order of funion schmings.

[ Laughter ]

And five cheese sticks.

So that's seven beesvurgers,

One -- one funion dings...and

One five-piece bleeze blicks?

[ Laughter ]

We do accept blips if you like

The service.

Blip -- blip cup there.

[ Groaning ]

[ Laughter ]

Murray, woman in. Woman in.

Tell her, "my girlfriend thinks

It's appropriate I work here."

I got to tell you, my

Girlfriend loves that I work

Here...

"'Cause I'm hung like a

Slider."

Oh, my god.

[ Laughter ]

...because she says I'm hung

Like a slider.

Murr, flirt with this woman.

Are you okay?

Did you hurt your arm?

Yeah.

Seems like you -- let me see.

What'd you bang it on -- over

Here?

Let me see. Oh, my god.

You actually have a bruise from

It.

I'm very delicate.

Kiss it! Kiss it!

[ Smooch! ]

Anything else?

No.

Okay. So, let me read that back

To you.

"Six cheeseburgers for my

Sugar mama."

Six cheeseburgers for my

Sugar mama.

Three cheese-ring sandwiches...

"For my boo-boo bear."

...for my boo-boo bear.

Say, "I can give you an extra

Pickle with your order."

I can give you an extra

Pickle with the order, if you

Want.

Wink!

[ Ting! ]

Yeahhhh...

Okay.

That'll work.

I will tell you, there is a tip

Jar there if you feel you've had

Exceptional service.

I need my change.

I gotta do laundry.

[ Groans ]

I'll give you a dollar.

Oh!

Ohhh!

You are a sweetheart. Mwah!

You're a sweetheart. Thank you.

[ Ding! ]

Let me get two pulled

Pork sandwiches.

$ . , Dork.

Freeze!dork.

Tag!

Hold it!

Stay!

[ Laughter ]

Don't move a muscle.

[ Laughter ]

This guy -- he doesn't know what

To do!

[ Laughs ]

What is he thinking?

That's amazing.

What is he thinking?

[ Laughter ]e thinking?

Oh, my god.

This is epic!

This is a total stalemate!

Don't move!

He hasn't broken yet.

Don't laugh! Don't laugh!

[ Laughs ]

He just keeps looking back,

Left, and right at no one.

He's not saying anything!

[ Laughter ]saying anything!

This guy -- he ain't winning

This [bleep]

Hold!

Hold!

This guy is not [bleep]

Talking!

He's not saying a word!

[ Laughter, clapping ]

Okay. Go.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, my god.

[ Laughter ]

Here you go. Here you go.

Old english. Old english. Yeah!

Good morrow, sir, and welcome

To the castle of white!

Give me um...

What's thou craving?

Bring it to me, and I shall slay

It!

Two hamburgers.

Two burgers of ham!

Two cheeseburgers.

Two burgers of cheese!

And it's free.

Your wit, sir, is legendary!

What's the damage?

[ Beeping ]

'Tis confusion!

[ Laughter ]

Squire!

[ Beep ]

Sir?

There's cents.

Oh!

The most generous lord in all

The land!

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

These days, it seems like

Everybody's got a cause.

Save these trees.

Sign here and I'll give this

Kid a shoe.

So, today we are trying to

Get signatures for our fake

Causes.

But the catch is that we do

Not know what the causes are.

We haven't seen these, because

We've written our causes for

Each other.

I've written some horrific

Ones for you, my friend.

And the goal is get as many

Signatures as you can.

Whoever gets the least amount of

Signatures loses.

I'm going.

This is gonna be good.

Excuse me, guys.

We're looking to get signatures

For a good cause.

He has no clue what crazy

Causes we've written for him.

Excuse me.

Do you have a second for a

Signature?

Excuse me.

We're looking to get signatures

For a good cause.

It's, uh -- it's just for "adult

Virgins not by choice."

[ Laughter ]

So, basically, um, I'm a

Virgin and not by choice,

'Cause I'd like to do something

With a woman, so...

Is she signing?

She's signing!

So bad, I want to, uh, you

Know, not be a virgin.

[ Laughter ]

We're looking to get signatures

For a good cause today.

Uh, it's to stop discrimination

Against men with micro penis

What does that mean?

Small penis?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Pretty much.

I don't have a micro penis...

...but I'll sign.

Yeah. That would be great.

Thank you, man.

He's signing it.

I didn't know there was

Discrimination against taht.

No, you wouldn't believe it

With us guys.

[ Laughter ]

I'll do what I can with what I

Have.

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me, sir?

You're blowing your nose.

I want nothing to do with you.

This is a petition against that

Bitch irene.

[ Laughter ]

Uh, you just -- um, she's a

Bitch.

Just trust me.

[ Laughing ] she's signing

It!

Irene!

[ Ding! ]

[ Siren wails in distance ]

Excuse me, ladies.

Do you have one second?

He does, like, a creepy

Approach.

What is he doing?

[ Mockingly ] excuse me,

Ladies.

Do you have one second?

We're complaining about, you

Know -- it's -- it's enough with

This rain, already.

I mean, 'cause it's been

Raining, like, nonstop.

The rain from the sky?

Right? Yeah!

Just enough with it, really.

Like the water that

Falls from the clouds?

Just enough with it already.

It's a little bit over the top

At this point.

But I like the rain.

Man.

Uh, we're getting signatures

Today, um...for people that want

To have sex with a person of

Your choosing on your birthday.

So, you know, on your birthday,

You know how you would prefer to

Have sex with somebody -- no?

Fail.

It's unbelievable how many

People signed for you.

You seem real

Non-threatening.

Murray doesn't seem

Threatening.

I don't seem threatening.

You want him moving in next

Door to you?

No.

Well, there you go.

Hi. Do you have a few moments

For me to talk to you about a

Cause real quick?

Look how high-pitched his

Voice is.

The more polite he gets, the

Higher his voice goes.

Hi. How are you?

Hey. How are you?

Hi. How are you?

Can I talk to you about a

Good cause for a moment?

Hi. How are you?

Got a couple seconds to give

Me a signature just for a quick

Cause?

Yeah, sure. What is it?

It's to allow whites in

The m*llitary.

[ Laughter ]

Whites in the m*llitary, yeah.

In the m*llitary.

Whites are in the m*llitary.

Inalllegs of the m*llitary --

Air force, marines, coast guard.

They're already there so why

Would I need to sign a petition?

I got the pen right here.

I don't care.

I'm not signing something

Like that.

That's what's

k*lling our country.

We're waving our

d*ck everywhere where...

Well, I want to just get more

White dicks.

[ Laughter ]

Hi. Would you like to sign a

Petition?

It's a really good cause.

Now, you look like somebody that

Wants to help me out.

[ Laughter ]

I must have mistaken you for

Somebody else.

He's not getting anyone.

This is a swing and a miss.

You guys help me out real

Quick -- sign a petition?

It's, uh, to ban camel-toe.

[ Laughter ] ban camel-toe.

There you go. See?

We need more women behind the

Cause.

I appreciate that.

Keep the camel toes in the zoo.

You know what I'm saying?

Keep it in the zoo?

I'm gathering signatures to

Support a good cause.

It's not even a cause.

I just need a signature.

I just need a quick signature,

Man!

Q does not want to talk to

Anyone, and no one wants to talk

To him.

It's just a signature.

Hey, honey.

Can I get you to sign a petition

For a second, hon?

Hey. Give me your signature.

You're just gonna ignore me?

I'm a man. I have emotions.

He's getting blown by.

He's just abrasive.

It's a really good cause.

Let me just get this out here.

It's to allow people to date

Their first cousins.

[ Laughter ]

Uh, right now it's illegal.

You got to see my first cousin.

Like you never wanted to bone

Your cousin.

It's just a petition -- just a

Signature.

Nothing to it -- nothing big.

It's for the, uh -- oh, boy.

The public restroom mas--

The public restroom

Masturbation act.

I don't blame you, sir.

[ Clipboard clatters ]

He's giving up!

[ Laughter ] you failed.

Narrator: q and murr join sal

In loserville, with the toughest

Tests yet to come.

[ Record scratches ]

We're in times square, and

Today we're going to be manning

A tourist-information booth.

We'll be wearing these nifty

Red jackets.

Yeah, and we'll have an

Earpiece in, too, and the

Challenge is you have to say or

Do whatever the other guys tell

You.

And if you refuse, you lose.

Hey. How you doing?

You guys have any questions?

How would you be able to find

Central park from here?

Central park from here?

Now, do you guys want to

Catch a titty while you're here?

Listen, if you want to catch?

A, uh -- like, a titty...

Yeah.

That's a couple blocks up.

...that's a block up that way

And to the left.

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I mean?

Oh! Oh! Ohh, I'm sorry.

Are you guys married?

Soon, yeah.

Soon. Okay.

Have you hit that yet?

Okay. Right. Yeah. All right.

Have you hit it yet?

I don't know. I'm not asking.

Is there a separate line

For plays vs. Musicals?

Uh, yeah. Do you have a pen?

All right.

I'll write that down for you.

Launch the pen.

And?

Tom brady that [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

I paid a lot of money for that p

Hey, you want me to take the

Picture?

Walk away.

Walk away with the camera.

Look at him. Look at him!

Hello?

Yes.

No.

No.

No! No! No! No!

Oh, hi.

You're welcome.

[ Ding! ]

Can I help anyone? Questions?

Hi. Where you guys from?

North carolina.

I got a handy there once.

I got...

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Oh. North carolina?

I got a hand job there once.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah!

[ Ding! ]

Hi. How are you?

Kiss them. Kiss them.

Welcome to new york, sir.

Mwah! Mwah!

Thank you. Thank you.

Welcome, ma'am.

Mwah! Mwah!

Keep doing it!

Keep going.

Mwah! Welcome.

Mwah! Welcome.

He's ridiculous!

Mwah! Mwah!

Ha ha! Mwah! Mwah!

[ Ding! ]

Questions?

Any question you have.

Take a bite of this lady's

Granola bar.

Uh...

I didn't get a break today.

Bite her granola bar.

Thanks. I didn't get a break.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Was there already a bite

Taken out of that?

Half-eaten.

[ Groans ]

Sal's throwing up in his

Mouth right now.

That is gross.

What do you got on the 'pod?

Start dancing to it.

Yeah.

Old-school, joe-dance-floor

[Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

Old-school ghetto.

[ Laughter ]

What are you guys doing out

Here?

Just answering questions.

Work the word "circumcision"

Into your answer.

[ Chuckles ]

Ah, well, there's that.

[ Buzzer ]

It really does surprise me

That you lost this one.

Explain this to me.

You can have your ass grinding

Against a woman.

You're right up in someone's

Grille, but you cannot say the

Word "circumcision"?

Ah, well, there's that.

I'm not gonna talk to a pretty

Girl about snipping the tip.

I got standards, gentlemen.

Narrator: joe's ladylike

Behavior cost him the

Challenge -- and a possible

Date.

Now we've got ourselves a

Four-way tie for last, and it

All comes down to our final

Challenge.

Narrator: well, we've got

Ourselves a barn burner thanks

To a four-loser pileup in last

Place.

Who's going to pay the ultimate

Price?

It all comes down to the final

Challenge.

So, we're at everyone's

Favorite store, costco, and the

Challenge today is we will be

Playing cashiers.

We're wearing an earpiece, and

We have to say whatever the

Other guys tell us to say.

We'll be saying things that

Normally get people fired.

And if you refuse, you lose.

We are gonna be the worst

Cashiers ever.

[ Record scratches ]

Whoa! Stop that!

[ Laughter ]

[ Clatter ]

[ Laughter ]

That's not funny.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Hello. Welcome to costco.

Hello. Welcome to costco.

Jean-luc -- are you french?

Yes, I am.

Oh.

"I hate the french."

I-i got to be honest.

I [bleep] hate the french.

[ Laughter ]

Your total is $ . .

Make it rain.

Make it rain, bitch.

[ Laughter ]

Oh.

Rip it up.

Rip it up.

Great.

Great.

Just rip it in half.

[ Laughter ]

Great.

That's not the check

For the $ ?

What, is this?

"I'm sorry. That's not valid.

That's been ripped."

That's been ripped."

This is ripped.

This is ripped.

This is ripped.

It's not valid.

[ Laughter ]

What's the, uh -- what's the

Occasion with all this cake?

Something good?

It's a memorial service.

Yell out -- oh.

"Who kicked the bucket?"

Cake.

[ Laughter ]

[ Beep ]

[ Laughing ] who caked the

Bucket?

[ Laughter ]

"Who caked the bucket?"

"Who caked the bucket?"

[ Beep ]

[ Laughing ] who -- honestly,

Though, who caked the bucket?

I cannot believe you said

That.

[ Ding! ]

The next woman behind you,

When you turn around, yell "milf

Alert!"

[ Groans ]

[ Laughter ]

Hey. Milf alert.

[ Laughter ]

[ Beep ]

This is so hard to do.

[ Beep ]

Are you guys married?

Yes.

Shake his hand and

Congratulate him on securing

Such a piece of ass.

That's a hell of a piece of

Ass there, sir.

[ Laughter ]

Anyone ever tell you you look

Like justin bieber?

Hey.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Beep ]

Anyone ever tell you you look

Like justin bieber?

Called.

They want their chest hair back.

[ Chuckles ]

Called.

[ Beep ]

That's it. They just called.

[ Laughter ]

[ Beep ]

Okay.

There is a megasale on

Tampons in aisle .

Nope.

[ Buzzer ]

Q, tell her, "I see you got

Us juice for tomorrow morning."

Ooh.

Oh. Mango juice.

That was very thoughtful of you

To get that mango juice.

"Is that for us tomorrow

Morning?"

'Cause there's nothing I love

In the morning more than a cold

Glass of mango juice.

Oh! Oh!

Oh. Hello.

Hi! How are you?

Can you just ease up on the

Attitude?

Okay, diane.

I'm gonna ask you to just ease

Up on the attitude a little bit.

[ Laughter ]

My mother -- I wish she knew how

To make lamb rack.

It was all tv dinners and,

Like...

"Cigarette burns."

...cigarette burns.

[ Laughter ]

You're gonna hit the next

Customer with a "hey,

Moustache."

I'm sorry, moustache. I'm...

Don't call me "moustache."

Don't call you...

And let's go home, all right?

See, I couldn't even do it,

Moustache.

I had to...

I said don't call me "moustache.

I wasn't speaking to you.

I was speaking to her.

This clown over here...

"Don't call me "clown.""

Well, don't call me "clown."

I'm gonna call you "clown."

"Don't call me 'clown,'

Moustache."

All right, moustache.

Don't call me "clown" is all I'm

Saying.

[ Ding! ]

Do I scan each one of these,

Or just one?

Joe, tell the next lady, "is

It me, or do I feel something

Between us?"

Um...i'm married, so -- just

So you know.

I don't want it to get awkward.

Touch him with your nose.

Put your nose on him.

Do it!

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.

Put your nose right on his

Shoulder.

Go! Do it!

All right.

And richard.

[ Ting! ]

Good. All set.

[ Laughter ]

Put your nose on him.

$ .

[ Ting! ]

$ .

[ Laughter ]

All right.

[ Laughter ]

And change.

You can do it. You can do it.

[ Laughter ]

It's tough.

Did you...

Let's go. There he goes.

He's gonna get her nose!

He noses the card!

[ Ting! ]

Total.

Can you swipe there?

[ Ting! ]

[ All cheering ]

[ Ding! ]

Nosed!

Well, we did what we were

Told, but sal didn't.

There is a megasale on

Tampons in aisle .

Nope.

[ Distorted voice ] nope.

[ Normal voice ] I am never

Gonna be comfortable.

I don't even really know what

Happens with women down there.

You are such a loser, dude.

Don't call me "loser,"

Moustache.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: shocking absolutely

No one, sal's our loser du jour,

And now it's time for the other

Guys to make him pay for his

Failure.

Punishment time.

So, little-known fact -- sal

Loves dogs.

Oh, dogs?

Yeah.

That's not really a

Punishment.

Well...

What do I have to do to dogs?

[ Laughter ]

What do I have to do to a dog?

You'll find out.

When you fail at as many

Challenges as sal has, you get

Punished.

So, we've designed what we think

Is the perfect punishment for

Sal today.

Absolutely is.

Sal's a complete

Germophobe -- clean freak.

So, we're here at the dog park.

The punishment is he has to go

Pick up dog poop...

And hold it for seconds.

I can't believe I have to

Walk over to this dog right now

And do this.

[ Dog barks ]

Okay. There's three rottweilers.

[ Dogs barking ]

Oh, god.

He's going in! He's going in!

I got it.

I got it!

You know, pay it forward.

I'll do you the solid.

You wanna put it in a bag?

No, it's good.

I'm a collector.

[ Laughter ]

[ Dogs bark ]

Good-looking dog.

[ Laughter ]

He's gonna walk out of there

And throw up all over the

[Bleep] place.

[ Laughter ]

Where do I go?

[ Laughter ]

Get away from me!

Oh, my god!

[ Laughter ]

[ Groans ]

He can't get it!

[ Coughing ]

Here. I have a tissue.

Come on. You know it's not

Gonna do anything.

Here. Here.

More. Come on.

Stop being greedy with it!

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

That was rottweiler [bleep] man!

That was a -pound dog!

Oh, my god!