01x03 - Unmotivational Speaker

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: at a speed-dating

Event...

I have a condition called

Micropenis.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: ...on the

Boardwalk...

The stars are telling me...

Your girlfriend's cheating on

You.

...that you're cheating on

Him.

[ Laughs ]

Narrator: ...and in a city

Park.

Excuse me, sir.

How much for your son?

I'm an eccentric millionaire.

I'll buy him off you right now.

[ Laughs ]

[ Pop! ]

In the restaurant behind us

Is a roomful of cougars looking

For love at a speed-dating

Event.

And we're gonna go in there

Right now and date the hell out

Of them.

First dates are weird enough

As it is.

We're gonna make it times

Worse for each of us.

Right, because we're gonna be

Wearing an earpiece, and we have

To do and say whatever the guys

Tell us to.

And if you refuse, you lose.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Papa's got to go catch a cougar.

How are you?

I'm good.

How are you doing?

Very well, very well.

Joe, start grilling her right

Out of the gate.

Let's go. Rapid fire.

How much do you make?

Oh.

Not much.

No?

How much do you weigh.

/ .

Okay.

Do you give lap dances?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god.

I'm joe -- joey.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Joey, you're going down.

Tell her you're in the adult-toy

Business.

[ Buzzer ]

I'm a training-program

Manager...

Okay.

...for an adult-toy line.

Okay.

You know, dildos and things.

[ Laughter ]

"Dildos and things."

What do you do for work?

I negotiate the relationships

Between the...

Joe, act bored.

Act really bored at whatever she

Says.

They take american express

Cards...

He's yawning.

...negotiate all the terms of

How that happens.

It's actually really

Interesting.

It doesn't sound it at all

Though.

[ Laughing ] oh, my god.

Wow!

Murr's going.

Hi.

Murr, start out with a

Question that just never ends.

I want to know the

Craziest, um -- no, no, no, no.

The happiest time -- give me

Like one example...

Don't get to the point,

Murray.

Don't ever get to the point,

Murr.

...a time when you went to

Like a cruise...

Keep going.

...like it was something you

Did on your own.

It was unplanned.

Don't get to the point.

Don't get to the point.

Have you ever, like, gone to

The -- have you ever been on a

Vacation?

[ Laughter ]

You're not really kind of

Participating.

[ Laughter ]

Murr, tell her you're ashamed

That you have a little package.

I think my least favorite

Body part would probably be my

Penis.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Hi. What's your name?

I'm laurie.

Laurie, hi. I'm sal.

All right, sal, hit on her

Immediately, buddy.

Okay.

You want to go in the

Bathroom and make out now?

Wow.

I just felt like you had a

Desire that I fulfilled, which I

Do.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop,

Boop!

[ Laughter ]

Where are you from?

I was born and raised in

Staten island.

Be as politically incorrect

As you can.

But I am very liberal.

I want to adopt an indian baby.

I love indian [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

All right, tell this one

You've got the world's tiniest

Pecker.

I have a condition, and some

Girls don't like it.

I have a condition called

Micropenis.

[ Record scratches ]

[ Laughter ]

Because of that, you're

Looking for someone who'd be a

Good fit.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, because of that, like,

Uh, like, you know, I found

Because of that...

Say it, you coward.

You're looking for a coot fit

For your tiny schlong.

Um, what do you do for a

Living?

Oh!

All right, here goes q.

Q, just start looking at her

Rack.

Christine...

Call yourself out on it.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to look at your

Boobs.

I was looking for your name tag.

I'm sorry. I'm like...

Do it again, do it again.

Now I'm looking at your

Boobs.

[ Boing! ]

[ Laughter ]

But they look good.

They look great.

One more time!

Do it again, do it again!

[ Record scratches ]

You caught me looking at your

Boobs again.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Hello.

Hey, how are you?

Start going way overboard

Flattering this girl.

You are -- let me tell you

Something -- gorgeous.

[ Laughs ]

G-o-r-r-g-o-u-z-s

gorrgouzs.

[ Laughter ]

Ask her if she wants kids.

Do you have any kids?

No, I don't.

Do you want kids?

Yes.

Do you want some right now?

[ Laughter ]

I don't think I'm ovulating.

[ Laughter ]

His tooth fell out.

It's his tooth.

His tooth's on the table.

That's awful.

Oh [bleep]

That's his tooth!

[ Laughter ]

That's awful.

No. Don't worry about it.

That's like...

Be a pirate!

Be a pirate!

I'm like a pirate, like,

"Arr! Arr, matey!"

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

[ Laughter ]

Arr!

[ Ding! ]

Speed daters, sal's a speed

Loser.

[ Buzzer ]

I have a condition called

Micropenis.

The best part of this whole

Thing is he told a hot girl he's

Got a mini-peshadil.

[ Imitates buzzer ]

We all get it.

[ Laughter ]

Today, we're reading tarot

Cards and predicting people's

Futures.

Yeah. Real psychics hear

Voices from beyond.

The only voices we're gonna hear

Are each other's telling us what

To say.

That's right.

And you cannot reject a line.

If you refuse, you lose.

Free tarot-card reading, guys?

It's a promotion on the

Boardwalk.

It's free today.

You go first.

Sure.

Just have a seat right here.

What's your name?

Steve.

Hey, steve. I'm sal.

How you doing?

Okay.

The stars are telling me...

Your girlfriend's cheating on

You.

[ Laughs ] all right.

This is awkward.

[ Laughing ] do it, do it!

Are you guys dating?

Yeah.

Okay. This says that you're

Cheating on him.

[ Laughter ]

Cheating? Wow.

Who's frank?

Who's frank?

[ Laughter ]

I know he likes me a lot, but

I haven't seen him in like

Years.

That's just weird. Frank?

Turn the next card over.

Okay.

You guys will soon be faced

With a choice.

You'll soon be faced with a

Choice.

I say keep the kid.

Phew!

I say...keep the kid.

[ Laughter ]

Remember, this is all open to

Interpretation, but this does

Say you're two months' pregnant.

[ Laughter ]

I just wanna know if

I can find my pet.

She got a lost pet.

Do you have a lost pet?

Yeah.

What type of pet is it?

It's a gekko.

A gecko, and it's missing?

Yeah. He got out.

He's doing fine.

He's doing fine.

He's doing fine.

He just helped me save a bunch

Of money on my car insurance.

[ Laughter ]

Let's do the crystals.

Hey, yo, someone's gonna lose

Their virginity tonight.

Oh, snap!

Someone's gonna lose their

Virginity tonight.

[ Laughter ]

Tonight?

Yeah.

That's cool.

That ain't gonna be me.

[ Laughter ]

There's been a deposit in

That bank?

[ Laughter ]

Someone's...

Is it...

Come on, sal. Say it?

Uh...

Say it. Come on.

[ Giggling ]

I'm sorry.

[ Buzzer ]

Go ahead. Cut the cards.

Uh, okay.

I see a cruise in your

Future.

Oh! The devil!

You know what that means?

I see a cruise in your future.

That'll be nice.

The cards are showing me a

Lot ofseamen (semen).

The cards -- do you see that?

The devil?

It's a cruise.

The cards are showing me a lot

Of seamen.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

You'll be surrounded by

Seamen.

You'll just be surrounded by

Seamen.

Oh, my god!

Uh, what is your name?

Herb.

Herb, I'm brian.

My son's brian.

I knew that, actually.

What do we got?

Someone's getting laid

Tonight.

Hey, oh!

Somebody's getting laid tonight.

Ah!

Yeah.

Everything still works, herb?

Holy...

So, herb, just the cards have a

Question that I wish they

Wouldn't have asked.

But everything still works?

You're still good down there?

Yeah.

Attaboy, herb.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Guys want a free tarot

Reading?

Is it free?

Yes. [ Laughs ]

Joe, as you flip the cards,

Do nothing but read your own

Future.

. Excellent.

Pentacles are the best card.

Yes, yes.

This is excellent.

This is gonna work out really

Great for me.

My investments are gonna pay

Off.

[ Laughter ]

Well, I'm really seeing about me

Here, which is strong.

The magician.

I will find love eventually,

Then.

Swords.

Oh, excellent, excellent.

That means something's

Pinning us down right now,

Though.

Yes. Something is definitely

Holding me back.

I should really make that phone

Call.

[ Laughs ]

Right.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Folks, would you like a free

Tarot-card reading?

Awesome.

Okay. Let's do this.

Let's take a look at your family

Now.

Three kids...

You're going to have three

Children...

...two of which you will not

Know the father.

[ Laughter ]

...two of which you won't

Know who the father is.

[ Laughter ]

And the father that you do

Know...

The father you will know...

...is your first cousin.

[ Laughs ]

...is going to be...

Oh! This is the first cousin

Card.

[ Laughter ]

I see someone in the

Afterlife.

Okay. I see someone in the

Afterlife.

Okay.

It's frank.

He says, "what's up?"

It's frank.

He says, "what's up?"

[ Laughter ]

Do you know frank?

I thought he was at the

Hospital.

He says, "what's up?"

Okay.

Frank is in the hospital?

Yes.

For real?

Yes.

He had a heart att*ck

And then a pacemaker put in.

Let me see.

Tell her frank's a goner and

She should be getting a phone

Call any minute.

No. I don't...

Say it or you lose.

No.

I don't know.

I don't know if I can read these

Cards.

Okay. I see someone in the

Afterlife.

Okay.

It's frank.

He says, "what's up?"

It's frank.

He says, "what's up?"

[ Laughter ]

Do you know frank?

I thouhght he was at the

Hospital.

He says, "what's up?"

Okay.

Frank is in the hospital?

Yes.

He had a heart att*ck and

Then a pacemaker put in.

Tell her she should be

Getting a phone call any minute.

No. I don't...

Do it. Say it.

No.

I don't know.

I don't know if I can read these

Cards.

Say it or you lose.

You should be getting a phone

Call any minute.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Sal's day is only gonna get

Worse if he gets pooped on by a

Seagull right now.

There's been a deposit in that

Bank?

[ Laughter ]

They're coming to get you,

Loser.

It's getting hitchcock up

Here.

Whoa! Oh, my god!

Narrator: sal is off to a

Crappy start -- - .

Next up, the guys take the bull

By the horn.

We're getting ready to make

Some very public announcements

With this bullhorn.

Yeah. Except we'll have no

Control over what we're saying.

The other guys will be speaking

For us through this microphone.

Yeah. We're gonna be putting

Words in each other's mouths.

For instance...

"My name's murr, and I'm a

Jerk."

But if you turn off the

Bullhorn, you lose.

Now, hold on one second.

There's a twist.

Oh!

We're putting our names in a

Hat and choosing two of us to

Compete against each other.

Hot friend-on-friend action.

First name --

Oh!

Jerk.

Why am I a jerk?

Versus...

Please don't be me.

Yeah! Jerk!

[ Laughter ]

What?

Let's do this dance.

Take it easy, guys.

You're going down in flames,

Murphis.

Hold that bullhorn up to your

Mouth, joey.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir, how much for your son?

How much do you want for your

Son?

I'll buy him off you right now.

I have the money.

I'm an eccentric millionaire,

And I like the look of him.

How much?

You are such a d*ck.

[ Laughs ]

Guys, this is a pants-free

Zone, please.

Watch me as I pull down my

Pants.

This is a pants-free zone.

Please follow my lead.

I will now take my pants off.

That's not the challenge.

Yes, it is the challenge.

A new challenge I'm doing out

Here, i, joe gatto, is I'm gonna

Take my pants off.

The rule book clearly

States --

I don't care to argue with

You over the microphone, joe.

Take your pants off.

Fine. I won't turn it off.

That's the rule.

[ Ding! ]

Your turn, murr. b*at that.

Hey. Oh, my god.

[ Foreign accent ] I hate

America.

You american pigs make me sick.

America is a disgusting country.

Feel the disgusting pigness like

You.

[ Laughs ]

I'm sweating out here.

Do you know where

The bathrooms are?

The toilets are up your ass

And make a left.

[ Laughter ]

Check this out.

Everybody in this park can suck

My...

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

There's no way.

I'm a loser.

My name is murr.

I'm a loser.

The toilets are up your ass and

Make a left.

I'm a loser.

James murr is a loser.

Give me the bullhorn.

My name's murray.

Turn it off.

Narrator: murr is catching up

To sal in the humiliating race

For last place.

Narrator: sal and murr are

Still fighting over last place.

Let's see who chokes under the

Pressure.

We're at the drugstore, doing

Some shopping...

For each other.

We filled this basket with some

Really personal items.

Yeah.

We have to go up to strangers,

Take out whatever product we're

Told, and then do and say what

The guys tell us.

Do you want to pick that up?

This is the creepiest thing

I've ever seen.

We packed a special basket

Just for you, buddy.

Yeah?

All right, q.

Have fun shopping.

Q, pull out the anti-diarrhea

Medicine.

Here you go.

All right, now walk up to

That lady and ask her if she's

Ever used it.

Excuse me.

Did you ever use this?

'Cause I had bad mexican, and

It's like the hoover dam down

There.

I had bad mexican, and it's

Like the hoover dam down there.

Don't tell you!

Just grab your [bleep] be

Like, "oh!"

I don't know -- oh.

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh!

Can you open this box for me?

Could you open that box for

What?

Me right now?

Are you kidding me?

I got to take it right now.

Please, please.

There's gonna be a situation.

There's gonna be a situation.

Here's a cup.

Hold the cup.

Thank you.

Please, open that cap.

Please, just pour it in my

Mouth.

Pour it in my mouth.

Pour it directly in my mouth.

You can just pour it into my

Mouth.

Wait a minute.

[ Sighs ]

I can't get it.

It has one of those safety

Seals.

Get over there, q.

Take your medicine.

[Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

Sit down.

Drink it.

I'm not giving it to you.

You have a hand.

No, no, no.

I don't do that.

Here. Take it.

Okay.

That's all.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Joe, look in your basket.

There's the hair removal.

Now take it out and go over to

The big guy over there.

Excuse me.

Say to him, "I want to get

Slippery-smooth."

I don't work here.

I know.

I'm just getting your opinion as

A gentleman.

Okay.

If I want to use this

Hair-removal system to take all

The hair off my body...

Like every inch of it.

...like every inch, like top

To bottom, do you think this is

Enough?

I don't know.

How much hair do you have?

Well, I mean, you see up top

I'm losing most of it.

My undercarriage is in good

Shape.

Say to him, "I want to get

Slippery-smooth."

So I'm trying to get

Slippery-smooth.

Yeah. So, I think that's

Enough.

That's enough?

What do you use to remove all

The hair from your body?

What do you use?

I don't use anything.

That's all you?

That's straight up?

All me, man.

I only shave my face hair here

And there.

What's going on downstairs?

Yeah. [ Stammers ]

I clean it up sometimes.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Dude, wake up! Right there.

Follow that girl.

Excuse me.

The flea collar.

Grab the flea collar.

Ah.

Do you know if this works on

Humans?

Do you know if this works on

Humans?

[ Laughs ] what?

I have no idea.

'Cause I got some ticks.

Because I got some ticks.

[ Record scratches ]

Yeah, let me tell you how it

Happened.

Let me tell you how it

Happened.

Okay, I was crawling through

My neighbor's yard...

I was crawling through my

Neighbor's yard...

...with my binocs...

...with my binocs...

[ Laughter ]

...as I normally do.

...as I normally do.

I looked through her

Garbage...

I looked through her

Garbage...

...like I normally do.

...like I normally do.

Ticks.

Ticks.

Yeah, I know.

And there was nothing good in

The garbage...

There was nothing good in the

Garbage either...

...this time.

...this time.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Murr, you're gonna take out the

Douche.

Look in there, brother.

There's a big, old douche.

And talk to the gentleman in

The fedora.

Excuse me, sir.

My friends say I'm a douche.

My...

My friends call me a douche.

And I'm not really sure what

It is.

I'm not sure what it is.

I was gonna buy it.

So I was gonna buy it here.

I thought that --

You don't want to buy that.

This is not --

Well, that's what it is.

But you know what a douche is?

No, no.

I don't. No.

They call me a douche all the

Time.

Don't you know what a douche

Is?

I don't know.

Come, and I'll tell you.

Get away from the ladies.

Yeah, yeah.

Go ahead.

Douche is what women use to

Clean their [bleep]

No. Come on.

It's a bath that they use to

Clean their [bleep] so it

Doesn't smell.

They call you a douche or a

Douche bag.

So when they call me a

Douche, they're calling me a

Clean [bleep]

No. They're calling you a

Dirty [bleep] because you're not

Going to use it if you have a

Clean [bleep]

Why would my friends call me

That?

Why would they call me that?

I don't know.

It could be just a term of

Endearment.

What happens if you don't

Douche?

What happens if you don't

Douche?

[ Record scratches ]

Hell if I know.

I like a dirty [bleep]

Wait a second though.

He'll let you know.

Ask him.

I know, but you're giving me

Inside street knowledge.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Winners, winners, chicken

Dinners.

Four, please.

That's what happens when

Everyone's at the top of their

Game.

What's going on downstairs,

Then?

Ticks.

You can just pour it into my

Mouth.

They're calling me a clean

[Bleep]

Like my mom said, "no

Losers."

When did she say that?

You weren't there.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: tonight's loser is

Sal.

And now it's time for him to pay

Up.

Sal has lost miserably.

As a punishment, we've decided

To bring him to the hecht group,

Which is one of the leading

Real-estate brokers in

New york city.

They get motivational

Speakers every week and push

These people to close

Million-dollar sales.

Sal is going to be their

Motivational speaker.

The three of us have designed a

Presentation for him that he has

Never seen.

I do not know a single word

Of what I'm about to say.

How's everyone doing?

Great.

My name's sal vulcano.

We're gonna talk about today...

Oh, wow.

[ Laughter ]

This is not what you think it

Is.

Sal has lost miserably.

The three of us have designed a

Presentation for him that he has

Never seen.

I do not know a single word

Of what I'm about to say.

Sal?

Yes.

Come on in.

[ Applause ]

Oh, wow.

All right.

Thank you so much.

I wasn't expecting that.

How's everyone doing?

Great.

My name's sal vulcano.

We're gonna talk about today...

[ Pop! ]

...is "yes! You probably can:

Losing is for losers."

[ Laughter ]

I used to be...

[ Pop! ]

...much less confident than I am

Right now.

I wasn't always that confident.

[ Pop! ]

I used to be drowning in debt.

[ Pop! ]

I used to be attracted to my

First cousin.

[ Laughter ]

[ Pop! ]

I used to be afraid of

Minorities.

That's not funny.

So that's not a joke.

Okay.

[ Pop! ]

Oh, wow.

[ Laughter ]

This is not what you think it

Is.

[ Pop! ]

Okay, so, I needed to better

Time-manage myself, so this is

How I did it.

I literally had to list the

Things I did.

At : , I wake up.

: , Brush my teeth.

: , We all got to do it.

: , I shower.

Yeah. You know, you do what you

Got to do.

We all do all this stuff, okay?

Failures I have overcome.

[ Laughs nervously ]

Drinking.

Drinking.

I had problems in the past.

I had drinking problems.

The biggest failure I've

Overcome -- herpes.

Okay. [ Laughs ]

It says "herpes."

[ Laughter ]

Oh, lord.