Narrator: coming up, the guys
Make q pig out.
Oh, my god.
Narrator: murr gets crabby at
The mall.
Crab walk, crab walk.
You can see it.
Narrator: and everyone's in
The line of fire when they piss
Off this guy.
I'll k*ll everybody
In the neighborhood.
Plus tonight's big loser has to
Admit to a crowd that he did...
What?!
We're working at
Mike's donut shop, asking
Customers if they want to donate
To our charity of the day.
The catch is we don't know
What the charities are because
We've written them for each
Other.
Yeah, we've got to read the
Name out loud and get a
Donation.
If you can't get any donations,
You lose.
Wait. We work here?
Yeah.
We work here.
[ Laughter ]
All right, there's a glazed
Doughnut.
And we're doing a collection for
A charity today.
It's about the -- there's too
Many churches.
Oh, ho, ho!
There's churches everywhere.
That's what I'm saying.
So we're gonna collect a fund
And knock some down.
[ Laughs ]
You understand where I'm
Coming from.
Yes.
Right?
Yes.
You want to give me a dollar?
Later.
Okay, I'll talk to you later
About it.
[ Laughter ]
$ . .
$ . .
Okay, so, we're doing a local
Collection for my charity that
I'm trying to get some funds
For.
So, we're looking for donations
For...
[ Laughs ]
It's handjobs across america.
[ Laughter ]
So, it's sort of like
Hands across america, where
Everybody holds hands.
But here they're holding
Something else.
[ Laughter ]
To help who?
It helps everybody.
I mean, there's all winners in
It.
So, we're just looking for some
Money to help, you know, get the
Funds started.
No donation?
Okay? That's all right.
Nothing.
Joe striking out.
[ Buzzer ]
This is everything?
Yes.
How come you're not in red?
Beside working here, I also
Work for a lot of like --
I've never seen you work here
Before.
Yeah, yeah, I'm here you when
You're not here.
[ Laughter ]
I'm actually raising money for a
Charity that I really believe
Strongly about.
Well, what's the charity?
[ Laughter ]
Give a fat kid some fruit.
[ Laughter ]
If you give a fat kid some
Fruit, he'll only get fatter.
So, would you like to give to
The charity?
No, no, he's not giving any.
Oh, this is awesome.
It's an old lady for this
Charity.
How are you today?
Huh?
Sal, go ahead, man.
Rope her in.
He has no idea what's about
To hit him.
Let's just shove him under
The bus.
Just shove.
Get that charity money.
Come on.
I wouldn't lead you astray.
I can't look at it.
Do it, buddy, do it.
We're also collecting money
For charity today.
I can't even look.
[ Laughing ] oh, my god.
Oh please, I've got
So many charities...
...i'm choking.
It's a really good cause.
Oh, no, no. [ Laughs ]
I've been collecting for it
For years now.
It's my own charity that I made
Up.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
Do it. Do it.
We're collecting for charity
Today.
Any kind of charity?
No, no.
We're just doing a couple that I
Run myself.
It's a little -- it's a
Little --
[ Laughs ]
Kolonics for kids?
Kolonics for kids is --
Now, they -- have you ever given
A child a colonic?
But it's only for adults.
No, not anymore.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, okay.
It's a noninvasive procedure.
What the hell is a
Noninvasive colonic?
How does that work, bud?
We -- we -- nothing --
Nothing -- nothing goes in them.
We just -- we just squeeze them.
[ Laughter ]
Squeeze them?
That's like crazy method.
But it's real.
This is on the up-and-up, right?
Oh, it's on the up-up-and-up.
Okay.
Oh, really?
She just donated to
Kolonics for kids?
Ugh.
Thank you.
[ Ding! ]
Here's your doughnut.
I'll tell you, by the way, we're
Actually raising money in the
Store for charity.
So, if you're interested, I'll
Show you what the charity is
Real quick.
Okay.
[ Laughter ]
Explain that one, bud.
It's a fake charity.
I've worked for fake charity for
Many years now.
It's an international
Association to fight
Globalization and deforestation
In the transatlantic countries
Specifically.
This fake charity is the --
The -- the -- the -- the best
Fake charity out there.
So, we're trying to raise money
For this fake charity.
You got odds on this?
There's no way, right?
Do you have a quarter or
Anything like that for this fake
Charity?
You would?
Oh, ho!
It says "fake charity."
What more could we do?
It says fake charity.
I know what it says.
I see it!
Thank you so much.
At the fake meetings we have,
I'll tell everyone.
I have a charity that I'm
Running here today.
So, we're raising money for a
Great cause.
It's, uh...
Come on, people.
[ Laughter ]
It -- it's --
You know, like, like, like "come
On, people!"
[ Laughter ]
Like "come on!
Just come on!"
You know, like we're trying to
Get a big rally together.
You know, the great thing about
This is guys, girls, anybody can
Join.
We can all come on, people.
I for one love come on, people.
[ Laughter ]
Sure about that.
"Come on, people."
Yeah, just --
Cents to come on, people.
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
We're raising some money for
Charity here today if you're
Interested.
Cool.
Well, you can get in on this,
Too.
Ready?
Just a little charity.
It's the "don't rock the goat."
You probably see goats like
Everywhere.
Don't rock the...
Both: goat.
Don't rock the goat.
That's right. That's right.
Do you have any money you want
To donate?
Okay.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, you're such a jerk.
Just to recap, I'm a
Stranger.
We've never met.
I said to you, don't rock the
Goat, give me money, you said
Yes.
[ Laughter ]
And you handed me money, and I
Put it in that box.
Yeah.
Thank you, sir.
Does he have no shirt on?
Oh, my god.
Does that guy have no shirt on
Under the jacket?
Get him. Get him.
What we're doing today is
We're raising money for charity.
They wanted me to give you the
Spiel.
Oh, forget it!
Do you got a second for this
Spiel?
It's for charity.
Here we go.
Yeah, get that kid out of that
Well.
You know how, like, every other
Day, there's some stupid kid --
Oh, I don't know.
Did some stupid kid fall in the
Let's not hope every
Other day!
Well?
You, sir, look like you would
Give the shirt off your back.
Now, can I give
Youmyspiel?
Yeah.
Alright, give you the dollar...
All right, here you go.
Put it in there...
He's giving it to him.
If it don't go to the
Right place...
...i'll k*ll everybody
In the neighborhood.
If I don't live in this
Neighborhood, am I --
I don't care where you live...
I'll find you!
Don't take it, q.
Well, now I feel there's a
Lot of responsibility on me
Taking that dollar.
That kid is dead!
No, nobody's dead.
[ Laughter ]
I don't want to die for --
Just remember.
Yeah, I remember.
All right.
Thank you.
Dude, what happened with your
Turn?
[ Laughter ]
Mike, the hell's going on
Around here?
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
Joe loses.
[ Buzzer ]
So, we're at a chinese
Restaurant, and the challenge is
That we have to approach people
That are eating lunch and eat
Off their plate without saying a
Word at all.
You can't explain what you're
Doing.
The guy who eats the fewest
Items loses.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna
Do -- I'm going straight over to
The biggest guy in this place.
I'm gonna pass him.
I'm gonna go right to the other
Table.
This is terrible.
Get in there.
My legs are shaking.
Oh, oh, oh!
He did it really fast.
He took their last one.
Who are you?
[ Ding! ]
You like it?
Are you sharing the
Check with us?
[ Ding! ]
He's standing there sipping
The tea.
Ahh!
Finished?
No.
That's a stop.
[ Ding! ]
He got two.
I'm going in.
[ Ding! ]
Excuse me. Who are you?
Excuse me.
[ Ding! ]
[ Gasps ]
Excuse me.
We don't know who this is.
Ahh.
Oh, she called in the staff.
Is there a problem?
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
Let's go, buddy.
All right.
It's time to go.
I'm nervous as all hell, man.
Good luck.
You're trying to b*at two
Items.
He's going for the women.
Do we know you?
[ Ding! ]
[ Muffled laughter ]
Hey, before you do that, just
Tell me why you're doing it.
He's c*ptive.
Let's go, buddy.
All right.
It's time to go.
I'm nervous as all hell, man.
You're trying to b*at two
Items.
He's going for the women.
Do we know you?
[ Ding! ]
[ Muffled laughter ]
Hey, before you do that, just
Tell me why you're doing it.
He's c*ptive.
You're gonna have to tell us.
Is there a reason this guy is
Eating our food?
She's holding him hostage.
He's got a story to tell, but
He's not sharing it, so could
You bring us the dumpling he
Ate?
Oh!
Come with me.
Oh, you're done, sal.
Take it easy, buddy.
He's got a napkin.
He's putting the napkin on.
What the hell?
[ Ding! ]
Oh god.
Ok now.
[ Ding! ]
He went face-first.
[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
Hello?
That's my food!
Dude.
He just did a chomp-and-run.
[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]
He's going for seconds.
Oh, my god.
Unbelievable.
[ Ding! ]
Narrator: sal really ate it
On that challenge, putting him
In a tie for last.
We're at the jersey gardens
Mall.
We'll be manning an information
Booth and have to do what the
Other guys tell us.
Q gets a pass. Why?
Would you would trust him to
Give you info?
How are you, folks?
Any questions?
Murr, pretend like you caught
This guy shoplifting.
[ Store alarm blaring ]
Wait, wait.
Which -- which guy? This guy?
Just keep pointing and
Checking your ear.
Him? With the red shirt? Him?
Him, right? Right here?
Yes?
Right here, this guy, or no?
He's completely confused.
Him, right?
What?
Him, right?
Take his bags.
Yeah, it's two -- two bags,
Two bags.
[ Laughter ]
Two.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, he's got the gray
Sneakers.
This guy or no?
Ye--
Give him the bag and walk
Away.
Okay, great.
What just happened?
Have a great day, okay?
He's so confused.
Murr?
Yo.
I want you to get someone and
Ask them, "can you see this
Stain on my pants?"
Guys, do you see the -- can
You see the stain on my pants?
I spilled something on it
Before.
Do you see it?
No.
Like, it's not in the shadow
But, like, in the light.
Not at all.
You don't see it? Nothing?
Crab walk, crab walk.
Like, if you see it...
[ Women laughing ]
No, look at it in this light,
Too.
Keep going.
Like if you see it...
Like, look, do you see?
It's like -- look, see, now I
See it.
Right now you see it, right?
[ Laughing ] there's nothing.
[ Ding! ]
Hi. How are you today?
Hi.
Do you need any information?
I don't know.
I don't trust this lady.
Is a shady deal about to go
Down?
Who sent this woman?
Who told you can get -- who
Told you?
"Did santiago send you?"
Psst!
Did santiago send you?
Um?
Did santiago send you?
Are you one of santiago's
People?
[ Laughter ]
Santiago's?
Are you one of santiago's
People?
No.
"That bastard keeps sending
People over."
He keeps sending people over
Here.
"Here's a dollar."
Here's a dollar.
[ Laughter ]
I'm gonna give you a dollar.
"Okay, here's ."
All right. You want $ ?
[ Laughter ]
Here's a .
Now tell santiago to leave me
Alone.
[ Laughter ]
So, sal, bump into people as
They walk by.
Here he goes. Here he goes.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
Oh!
Ah!
Here he goes.
[ Laughter ]
She reversed her course
Completely.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ] it's so stupid.
Hey, sal, these people look
Lost.
Help them out, buddy.
Looking for anything in
Particular?
Not really.
"Can I tell you guys
Something?"
Can I tell you something?
"I don't like you."
I -- [ laughs ]
"I don't like you."
Can I tell you guys
Something?
I --
Say it!
Hey, sal, these people look
Lost.
Help them out, buddy.
Looking for anything in
Particular?
Not really.
"Can I tell you guys
Something?"
Can I tell you something?
"I don't like you."
I -- [ laughs ]
"I don't like you."
Can I tell you guys
Something?
I --
I don't like you.
I can't believe he said that.
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
[ Boy screams ]
What's the matter, bud?
You all right?
Careful on the stairs.
Mommy!
Tell this kid he's gonna be
Euthanized if you don't find
Your parents.
Careful -- you're gonna get
Euthanized you don't find your
Parents.
You know, you're gonna get
Euthanized.
"Better find your parents
Fast."
Easy, partner, easy.
You got seconds.
Where's your parents, bud?
[ Laughter ]
I'm gonna have to put you down
In ... ... ...
Joe, ask this woman if she's
Here for the event.
Oh, excuse me.
You here for the event?
No, what event?
The let joe gatto touch your
Boobs event.
Um..
Oh, my god.
[ Clock ticking ]
Huh.
The, uh...
Uh...
Say it!
The, uh...
Enjoy yourself event.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
You suck.
Narrator: joe racks up
Another loss.
We've returned
To the scene
Of the crime.
That's right.
Once again, we have to go up
To strangers and say, "don't I
Know you?"
And the other guys will be
Holding these cue cards with
Embarrassing details of how we
Supposedly "know" the person.
Yeah, the goal is to get a
Stranger to say that they know
You, and if you can't, you lose.
I know you.
Don't I know you?
Yeah, absolutely.
No.
Are you sure? It's sal.
What's up, dude? It's sal.
How's it going?
I know you, right?
I don't know, maybe.
Didn't know you.
That's the only way you're
Gonna do.
Hey, bud.
Hey, dude, I know you.
Were you down -- from schlomo's
Bar mitzvah?
Remember schlomie's bar mitz?
Apartment?
Yeah -- no, his bar -- yeah,
Schlomo's bar mitzvah.
Uh-huh.
I swallowed a baby pigeon.
Are you sure?
Sal from the bar mitzvah.
What's my name?
Your name?
Your, uh -- your name -- I
Know your name.
Your name is, uh...
Pete.
Padir?
Padir -- I said pete, pete,
Yeah.
How you been, man?
Good man, how are you?
Good to see you.
Great to see you.
This is unbelievable.
Have you talked to schlomo
Lately?
[ Laughter ]
No.
No.
Give me a call, man.
He's hugging the guy.
All right, take it easy,
Padir.
He has no idea.
That's how you do it.
I got a face everybody loves.
That's it.
You're unbelievable.
Doo, doo, doo, doo.
[ Ding! ]
Oh, what's up, bro?
I'll call you back.
Joe.
Joe?
Joe gatto. You remember me?
No? No?
We met cornhole, nebraska --
Population , .
Yeah, it was like this summer,
Earlier this summer we met.
I was the guy that got molested
By the octopus.
Seriously?
The octopus, all eight arms.
Well, currently I'm allergic to
Your bull [bleep]
So I couldn't -- I couldn't
Really do it, so...
You look good.
[ Buzzer ]
Oh, uh -- james.
James?
Yes.
I don't remember your name.
I'm so sorry.
Louise.
Louise?
Yeah?
We met at that party.
I was the guy that fell in the
Shark t*nk at the party,
Remember?
No.
But thankfully they weren't
Lethal sharks or anything.
No.
You sure?
Anyways, I mean, these days I
Just got pimp out deze nuts.
[ Laughter ]
Are you sure you don't remember
Me?
I'm sure.
You're right, 'cause you'd
Remember deze nuts.
You would, right?
Dude, dude, dude.
I know you.
I recognize the hat, man.
James.
We met like -- we met like two
Months ago in that meth lab.
You remember me?
I was the guy that maced the
Mall cop, remember?
You maced a mall cop?
Yeah, yeah.
You don't remember?
Oh!
Nice to see you.
Ohh! Come on.
Man, he maced a mall cop.
Good to see you.
[ Ding! ]
Q, here we go.
Do I -- do I know you?
I don't think so.
My name's brian.
I'm joel.
Joel.
Your cousin -- I'm dating your
Cousin.
No way.
I swear to god.
I fist-fought that turkish hand
Model.
[ Laughter ]
I brought your cousin, sandra.
I don't have a cousing
Named sandra.
Come on, now, like a third
Cousin?
[ Laughter ]
No.
I teach swahili to hot chicks
Now.
That's how I met your cousin.
No, no...
I don't have a cousin
Named sandra.
We met that time.
What time?
At that place, that place that
We met.
"That place."
We met. I guess I'm wrong.
I ... I think so.
All right.
He don't know you.
I'm giving it my all.
Your all's just clearly not
Good enough.
[ Buzzer ]
Narrator: you know joe?
He's tonight's big loser.
Since you did such a great
Job today, we're gonna take you
To the movies.
Here you go, bud.
You're gonna go in there into a
Packed movie theater, stop
Everything, stand up, and let
Everyone know you had an
Accident in your pants.
So, I go in there, stand up
In a crowded theater...
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, stop the presses.
[ Laughter ]
Go ahead.
This is what we're doing now?
Make sure you shut off your
Pager when you're in there,
Buddy.
Don't interrupt the movie.
All right, here we go.
Go, here we go.
There he goes. Here he goes.
Excuse me, ladies and
Gentlemen.
My apologies to everybody in
This area
There's gonna be a smell around
Here.
I just farted, like, bad.
My apologies to everybody in
This area, definitely [bleep]
Myself a bit.
My apologies.
[ Laughter ]
disculpe, las damas
y caballeros.
He's speaking spanish.
What?
Uh...
[ Speaking spanish ]
Which roughly translates
To "I [bleep] myself."
This has become a situation.
I'm gonna excuse myself.
Pardon me, ladies.
[ Laughter ]
Different theater, ma'am,
Different theater.
Hola, amigos.
What was that, spanish?
No, I let people know what
Was happening around them.
Smell something, say something.
01x14 - Theater del Absurdo
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.