02x15 - Joker vs. Joker

[bunniefuu]

(male narrator)

Coming up, what happens

when Murr asks

all the wrong questions?

When's the last time

you made love?

- Oh!

- Oh, my God.

(male narrator)

Will Sal get too

close for comfort?

Has anyone been invading

your personal space?

(male narrator)

Can Joe find an old friend

before it's too late?

Larry! Larry!!

(male narrator)

In our first-ever all

"Joker vs. Joker" special.

- Oh!

- Oh!

[laughter]

Alright, boys. I'm all in.

- Oh!

- Oh!

- Let's see 'em.

- There you go!

Boom! That is a king!

That is a single king!

I got-I got two spades

and an old maid!

I'll take your old maid

and raise you a royal flush.

- 'Sal!'

- Guys!

There is only one single way

to settle this.

A head-to-head

"Joker vs. Joker" episode..

(all)

...to see who's the best.

We're at the mall giving palm

readings to shoppers.

But as we read their palms

we've gotta do and say

what we're told.

The goal is to get a tip.

If you can't get a tip,

you lose.

Sal, do you want

your palm read?

- Mm.

- Ow!

It's red.

[growls]

Damn it!

- What's your name, bud?

- Miguel.

Miguel. Okay, Miguel.

This is your life line here.

This is how you..

You can tell

you've got a good hand here.

The more lines you have,

the more information you get.

Joe, give this reading like

an old gypsy woman.

[clears throat]

[laughter]

(Murr)

'The whole time.'

Uh..

I can't wait to hear

what his voice will be.

You need to remember that

when you as a boy, grow up

you need to remember

that there are demons.

that will sometimes boo in your

face and s*ab in the back.

So, sometimes, you need to

take it in and pull it out

take it in..

Keep it together!

Keep it together!

(Murr)

That is not a gypsy.

This is the best gypsy I know.

So, I go with.

(Sal)

'Joe, do as many quotes

as you can.'

In four score and seven years

ago, I had a dream.

[chuckling]

What does that

have to do with anything?

With great power, comes

great responsibility.

(Murr)

'Do as many movie quotes

as you can.'

King Kong ain't got

nothin' on me.

[laughter]

(Murr)

'Nobody said stop.'

Help me obi-wan.

You're my only hope.

Run, forest, run.

[laughter]

I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

- Me neither.

- Who are you gonna call?

- The ghostbusters?

- The ghostbusters.

[laughter]

Show me the money.

- Oh, I got no money.

- Oh, you got no money.

[laughter]

After all that bull [bleep]

there's no cash-eesh.

[laughter]

Have you ever had your

palms read before?

Never.

I will tell you,

your life line goes deep.

Oh, it looks right here,

though you might have

a little bit of a rough patch.

It looks like

right here you might have

a little bit of a rough patch.

You should moisturize.

You should..

[laughter]

- Uh, you should moisturize.

- Okay.

Yeah, it'll get rid of that

rough patch.

[laughter]

- Okay, I can tell..

- Okay, I can tell..

- '...by looking at your palm..'

- ...by looking at your palm..

...that you're black.

- ...that you're black.

- Let's get the energy up.

(Murr)

Let's get the energy up here

a little bit.

Shake them out a little bit.

I wanna get a sense

of the energy.

Now put his hands

right on your face.

[laughter]

Okay, put your hands up

like this for me.

Okay, I want to get a sense

of your aura.

Ready? Go.

[laughter]

- Nice. Good.

- We see you, Murr.

- We see you. Peek-a-boo.

- Good, good, this is good.

Murr, kee-keep reading

with your cheeks smushed.

So, your life line

is very deep.

Yeah.

I sense that you're

going to live to your ' s.

I'm trying to give you

a very accurate reading.

I'm trying to get a very

accurate reading.

'Cause one thing I don't like

are ridiculous readings.

You know, sometimes you get

a reading and it's just

it's just ridiculous.

(Murr)

'If you feel like

you've had a good reading'

you're more than welcome to give

a tip, but you don't have to.

I would love to tip you, but

this is what my tip went to.

So, no-no tip, that's.. ?

[laughter]

- My tip line is empty.

- 'Yeah, that's right.'

[instrumental music]

If you knew tomorrow was your

last day, what would you do?

I'd be on a rampage,

blaze of glory.

I'd be throwing pastries

in my face.

I'd be makin' out with everyone.

I'd probably set something

on fire.

[laughter]

That's your rampage?

Eating pastry?

- A lot of pastries.

- That's what you do now.

[laughter]

[imitates siren]

The paramedics are here.

Today we're offering

free medical exams

to people on the streets.

During the checkup,

you'll have to do

and say what the other guys

tell you.

And if you refuse, you lose.

- Yeah!

- Ow!

Alright, sir, you'll feel

a little pressure.

Normal, obviously.

Now, keep in mind

with this number

world-trained athletes

have over .

Keep in mind with this number

world-trained athletes

have-have over .

Fat pieces of [bleep]

like me..

[laughter]

Well, I'll tell you

for a big, old, fat sack

of [bleep] like me

I'm like two million

over million.

I have to put my belt on

with a boomerang.

[laughter]

I gotta put my belt on

with a boomerang.

Seriously, if I broke my arm,

gravy would come out.

If my arm broke off,

gravy would sh**t out.

(Q)

'My high-school yearbook photo

was an aerial sh*t.'

My-my high-school yearbook photo

was an aerial sh*t.

I'm afraid to jump,

'cause I might get stuck.

I'm afraid to jump,

'cause I might get stuck.

You know that old,

stupid joke, right?

Just look into the-the

light here.

- Directly in.

- sh**t straight with me, John.

So, sh**t straight with me,

John.

How long have you had these

cooties?

How long have you had these

cooties that you have?

- Cooties?

- Yeah.

I didn't even know

about them.

Easy peasy, I'm gonna blast

two suppositories up your ass

and call me in the morning.

John, John, John-boy.

Alright, John.

Easy peasy, John.

I'm gonna blast..

[laughter]

Easy peasy, John,

I'm gonna blast..

I'm gonna blast two

suppositories up your ass..

I got it! I got it, John.

- I got it here, john.

- Okay.

Easy peasy, buddy,

I'm gonna blast two..

[laughter]

Easy peasy, John,

I'm gonna blast two..

[groans]

John.

[laughter]

How are you? You okay?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, cool.

Joe, use nonsensical terms

for everything.

Okay, so, do you have a problem

with your epigalapagos

or your..

Your epigalapagos.

No? And you ever suffered from

conjunctasaurus rex?

Alright. Any problems downstairs

with the swahili nations?

No, they're okay?

And the veggie couscous

is feelin' okay?

And about your Singapore

express, it's all good?

(male narrator)

Comin' up, will Q bite off

more than he can chew?

- Do you bite your nails?

- Nope.

Do you mind if I do?

[laughter]

[instrumental music]

We're at polished beauty bar

giving mani-pedis.

What is a mani-pedi

and how do I give it?

I don't know.

We have to do and say

whatever the other guys tell us.

And if you refuse, you lose.

[instrumental music]

Women, they know

how to treat themselves.

- Yeah, women do this.

- Women do this.

Women get massages.

They do manicure-pedicures.

- The cucumber face.

- Mud face.

You don't treat yourself

the way you should.

You're right. I don't treat

myself like I should.

I'm gonna start treating myself

like a woman.

I treat myself like a woman

every single weekend.

We treat you like a woman,

too.

[laughter]

(Murr)

'So, what in this picture

doesn't belong?'

(Joe)

'Right?'

'There it is.'

Hello.

Hi. I'm Brian. How are you?

Okay. Lay your hands out.

- Do you bite your nails?

- Do you bite your nails?

Do you mind if I do?

Do you mind if I do?

Oh, okay. What a shame.

Can you tell about what

really chaps your ass?

I'll tell you what really

chaps my ass, though, is, uh..

Like how soccer in the

United States isn't, like

really respected

as much as football.

That really, really

chaps my ass.

[laughter]

See if you can get her to say

what chaps her ass.

[laughter]

What chaps your ass?

Chaps your ass.

Had my first colonoscopy

last night.

[laughter]

You know what a colo-colonos-

colonoscopy is?

- Yeah, my first one ever.

- Really chapped my ass.

Really...it really chapped

my ass.

[laughter]

Sophie? James.

Nice to meet you.

Welcome.

You ever been here before?

- Yes.

- Great.

(Sal)

'Murr, what's the matter buddy?

You look a little famished.'

'Yeah! You're lookin' hungry.'

So, Murr, there's a little

package on the left right there.

We got your lunch.

We got you some ribs.

[laughter]

Just take it out of the bag

and put it in your mouth.

[gasping]

You're..

[laughter]

Alright, Murr.

'Murr, you're disgusting.'

Ugh. Oh, my..

[laughter]

Drop a rib in that water

and just have a rib floatin'

around in the water.

And, oh!

[laughter]

- Pick it up and eat it.

- Now eat it.

Now eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

- 'Oh!'

- 'Oh!'

Oh!

'Oh, my God.'

[dinging]

You guys, uh, take care

of your eyebrows?

I have to.

Yeah, I meant to talk to you

about that, Q.

[laughter]

You look like Bert

from Bert and Ernie.

[laughter]

I actually shave my eyebrows

with a straight razor.

- Is that weird?

- That is weird.

We'll catch up

with you guys later.

We're posing as receptionists

in a waiting room

at a chiropractor's office,

and we have to do

what the other guys tell us.

And if you refuse, you lose.

We all look so good

in our suits.

I look professional.

No, you look like a corporate

Fred Flintstone.

[laughter]

- How are you?

- Okay. How are you doing?

Good. You can just sign in

right over here.

- Yes, sir.

- 'Hey.'

Can either of you

recommend a low-end

rub 'n' tug spot around here?

I just, uh..

Can either of you recommend,

like, a low-end..

...rub 'n' tug place

around here?

A low-end what?

A low-end rub 'n' tug place.

[laughter]

Uh, like, a low-end

rub 'n' tug place?

- A rug 'n' tub.

- Yes.

I thought you said

a "rub 'n' tug."

No, I said "rug 'n' tub,"

actually.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry.

A rug 'n' tub place, sir.

I'm furnishing my apartment.

I just moved to New York

two weeks ago.

Oh! A rug and tub.

Bed bath & beyond, okay?

- Okay. That's great.

- Yeah, bed bath & beyond.

So I'll-I'll go to

bed bath & beyond.

Do you guys know a place

to get jerked off?

[laughter]

Hi, Scooter. How are you?

Right here.

Uh, how you doing?

- Good. This is for you.

- Joe, the mail's gotta go out.

- Where-where's Larry?

- You gotta find Larry, bro.

Larry.

Larry.

(Murr)

'Joe, these FedEx's gotta

go out.'

- You need Larry .

- Larry!

He's got to get these out

by : .

Larry. I mean, they only got

ten minutes.

Larry. Larry.

Larry!

He's gotta be down on two.

Should send a message to Larry.

Send.

[laughter]

Larry!

- 'Where's Larry?'

- Larry! Larry!

- 'Where is he, buddy?'

- Larry!

[laughter]

Larry!

Larry!!

[laughter]

(male narrator)

Comin' up, what's made Q

such a hit with the kids?

Oh, you scared.

I'm in your head.

Aah!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

New York is famous

for its pizza.

Well, guess what.

We're gonna make it infamous.

We're at Da Vince Pizzeria

helping customers get a slice.

Oh!

We gotta do and say whatever

we're told.

If you refuse, you lose.

(all)

Oh!

How are you, sir?

Two slices, stay or to go?

That'll be $ , sir.

- Real quick.

- Real quick.

When's the last time

you made love?

[laughter]

That's $ .

One, two, three, four, five.

When's the last time

you made love?

- Last night?

- 'Oh!'

[laughter]

I love this guy.

I love this guy.

I gotta-I gotta tell you,

I love pizza.

My grandfather taught me

two things.

My grandfather taught me

two things.

How to make great pizza.

One, how to make great pizza.

- Two..

- Two..

(Q)

'...how to French kiss.'

Two, how to French kiss.

[laughter]

How are you?

Three slices of round to go

and I need them sliced in half.

(Sal)

'Does she remind you of

someone?'

(Joe)

'She does remind me of

somebody.'

- 'I think it's her jacket.'

- 'I got it.'

"Beetlejuice," "Beetlejuice,"

"Beetlejuice."

[laughter]

Go up to her and go,

"Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice

Beetlejuice."

Okay, it'll be ready in just

one second, okay?

- No rush.

- 'Murr.'

(Joe)

'Ask her if she wants a hero.'

Ma'am, do you want a hero?

Six foot, seven foot, eight

foot.

[laughter]

There's no way.

[laughter]

(Joe)

'Alright, stop showin' off.'

- One slice?

- Yes.

(Joe)

'Q, do me a favor, just get

awkwardly close to this guy'

and just stare into his eyes.

'Look right into

this guy's soul'

'and do some soul-searchin'.'

I haven't seen you here before.

Yeah, no. I'm new.

Q, win this staring contest

or you lose.

- 'Yeah, he's been..'

- 'Deep in there.'

(Joe)

'He's been through some stuff,

this guy.'

(Murr)

'His soul's in there deeper.

(Joe)

'This is gettin'

intense down there.'

'The battle is on.'

[dramatic music]

[laughter]

(Murr)

'Keep staring.'

(Murr)

'This guy's looking back

into the Q's soul.'

Yeah, he-he's not gonna like

what he sees.

He's seeing your soul

and raising you one.

(Murr)

'Q wins the contest.'

[laughter]

[instrumental music]

Well, we wanted to be lifeguards

but they said we couldn't.

- Who they?

- They, you know who they are.

They.

So, instead,

we are patrolling the beach

and we've gotta do

and say what we're told.

If you refuse, you lose

and they win.

Who they?

(Sal)

'Q, go over to that tent.'

- Hello.

- Hi.

Uh, my name's Brian.

I'm from beach patrol.

How are you?

We got a report that

somebody in the area

was pitching a tent.

And you guys have a tent here

so I just wanted to make sure

everything was okay.

So, crawl through that tent,

Q.

So, oh, boy. Look at this.

You got a nice setup in here.

Well, I gotta tell you,

it's an absolute pleasure

to meet you, ladies.

Uh, and, you know

I'm just gonna patrol the beach.

If you guys need me,

just scream out for me.

- 'It just got weird.'

- 'It just got weird.'

It got Quiet. You just

break in and entered.

I don't feel like you guys

understand the power of long

flowing hair on a beach.

Everybody that comes to this

beach just seems to me

to be an absolutely

lovely person.

I just gotta do a quick

camel toe check.

[laughter]

Just gonna do a quick...

time check.

Yeah, there you go.

Yep, : .

Ladies, thank you very much.

Are you guys okay?

Do you need help with anything?

- No, it's okay.

- You sure it's.. Okay.

Sal, there's too many umbrellas

open on this beach, buddy.

(Q)

'Blocking the view, too.'

'I can't see over those

umbrellas.'

Why don't you start closing

some umbrellas out there?

[sighs]

(Sal)

'How we doing?

How's everything? Okay?'

Can I just do this here

and put that like that

just to keep it in control.

- Everyone good?

- Yeah.

And we're just gonna do

one of these.

Be good, guys. Enjoy the day.

Guys, how we doing?

Everybody okay?

Good, good. Everybody have

sun block or anything?

Be careful. The water's

a little bit heavy today.

Just gonna do this

with this guy.

We're just gonna do that.

Watch your head there.

Alright, I'll watch my head.

We're just gonna-we're just

gonna do it like that.

Alright, have a great day.

[laughter]

(Murr)

'Sal, you see the couple

right behind you?'

Sneak up behind them

and whisper right to their ears.

Oh, here goes nothing.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my..

Are you guys safe?

Everything's okay?

Anybody bothering you

or anything like that?

Has anyone been invading

your personal space?

No.

You know, I'm deathly afraid

of getting eaten by a shark.

Do you mean you're scared of it

right now while you're on land?

Yes.

I'll tell you what the

scariest thing in the world

would be, hands down

if a shark could chase you

to the shoreline

and then, at that point, get up

on legs and chase after you.

Sal and Q have to play

a little game

we like to call

Miss and a Swing.

- What is Miss and a Swing?

- It's pretty simple.

All you've gotta do, gentlemen

is sink one sh*t from the top of

the key.

- That's it.

- That's not it.

- That's not it.

- That's not it.

Every time you miss, you're

gonna get whacked in the leg

by this little girl.

In front of this crowd.

(all)

Yeah!

- Miss and a Swing!

- Miss and a Swing!

Alright, Q, let's do it.

Let me tell you right now

who I'm not afraid of

this punk right here.

Is he trash-talking

a fifth-grade girl?...

Oh, you scared.

I'm in your head.

Alright, I don't want to

have to call the police.

Could you just take a sh*t, Q?

I can't wait till

she gets to unload.

You're not even gonna

hit the backboard.

(Murr)

'Q, just hit one sh*t,

and you don't get hit at all.'

(all)

Oh!

Hit him. Hit him. Hit him.

(Sal)

'Aah!'

[instrumental music]

I can't wait till

she gets to unload.

You're not even gonna

hit the backboard.

(Murr)

'Q, just hit one sh*t,

and you don't get hit at all.'

(all)

Oh!

Hit him. Hit him. Hit him.

- 'Get him!'

- Aah!

Good job. Good job. Yeah!

She packs a wallop.

You make this sh*t,

you're done.

(all)

Oh!

Please don't..

Oh, my God, she..

Oh, right in the shin.

Oh, my God. That was awful.

Hey, that was terrible.

Wait, please.

Aah! Oh!

Oh, I said, "Please don't!"

She hit him in the kneecap.

Right in. Right in. Right in.

(all)

Oh!

I got somewhere to be.

You don't know what it's like

to have.. Oh, my God.

[laughter]

Aah!

What? I didn't hear you.

I didn't catch that.

- Hold on. Ready?

- 'He's going old-school.'

Q's going old-school.

Aah!

Oh.

Oh, [bleep].

[groans]

(all)

Oh!

[groans]

Look how disheveled Q

looks right now.

- 'You're a mess, man.'

- I'm gonna wrap this up.

I'm gonna wrap this up

right now.

Right in, right in!

[dinging]

[crowd cheers]

Whoo! Yeah!

In your face! In your face!

- Let's go, Sal.

- Come on, Sal. You're up, boy.

[crowd cheers]

[dinging]

Aah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

[laughs]

Thank God.

Thank God. Aah!

Oh, that was so wrong!

That hurt.