(male narrator)
Coming up..
What's got Joe and Murr
bumping and grinding?
(both)
Yeah!
(male narrator)
Do the jokers have
too much on their plates?
(Sal)
'Potatoes flying everywhere!'
(male narrator)
And the most
surprising punishment ever.
It's Rosie O'Donnell!
[laughing]
Today, we're teaming up at
Melody Lanes in Brooklyn.
Hitting pins and taking frames.
While interacting with the
other turkeys
We'll have to do and say
what the other team tells us.
If you refuse to do or say
anything, you're in the gutter.
Could you guys spare me
the bowling puns?
I made one, too!
[all cheering]
Yahtzee!
- Just like old times.
- Yep.
You know, Joe and I
were on the bowling team
together in high school.
Wanna go out there
and take their lunch money?
Hey, man.
[laughs]
- 'Here we go.'
- 'Oh, wow.'
(Quinn)
'These look like bowlers
with no patience'
for men like Murray and Joe.
See if they want appletinis.
So, do you guys want a round
of appletinis?
[laughing]
(Sal)
'Murr, when his ball
comes back out'
grab it first and smell it.
[laughing]
[sniffing]
What's that?
Sorry.
I was just smelling that one.
Sorry about that.
Ah, just to see
what it smells like.
Just to see
what it smells like.
Yeah.
[laughing]
When Murray goes,
trash-talk him
but, like, crazy inappropriate.
You suck.
Gutter ball.
Gutter ball.
You suck.
Your mother's a [bleep] whore.
[laughing]
Works every time.
Celebrate like crazy.
Murr, back him up.
(both)
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
You saw that nine?
Yeah! Yeah!
You saw that nine?
You saw that nine!
(both)
Yeah!
[laughing]
Sit down on the lane
and massage each other's feet.
[laughing]
Yeah, exactly
what you're thinking
is what I want you to do.
[groans]
Oh.
(Quinn)
'A double, a double massage.'
[laughing]
(Quinn)
'It's a double foot massage.'
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Just look at that.
You really gotta
work on the - split.
(Sal)
'These guys are getting
so uncomfortable, man.'
Have you guys seen
the waitress?
We're still waiting
on our appletinis.
[laughing]
Do I just bowl?
(Joseph)
'You can either bowl
or go hunt a gazelle.'
Whatever you want to do with
that shirt.
Sal, don't let him get too close
to your panda shirt.
He might att*ck.
You look like fat Tarzan.
[laughing]
- How you doing, guys?
- 'Alright, fellas.'
We want you to European kiss
after every turn you bowl.
So, like the two cheeks?
[laughing]
- Hey! Alright!
- Alright!
(both)
Hey! Mwah! Mwah!
(Quinn)
'Yeah!'
[laughing]
They all, they all just
looked at you.
- 'Do it again.'
- Aww!
I thought you would've
picked that up.
It's alright, it's alright.
- Alright
- Mwah! Mwah!
(both)
Mwah! Mwah!
Okay, now, Sal, he just bowled,
so give him a European kiss.
(both)
Hey!
- Mwah!
- Yeah.
Mwah!
Sal, bowl like a lady, buddy.
A proper woman.
[laughing]
(Murray)
'Oh, my god.'
This is hard to watch.
[laughing]
(Joseph)
'Walk back with attitude.'
Girlfriend.
[laughing]
- Come on! Come on!
- Oh, he missed it.
Sal, give him a hug,
a long hug.
It's alright, bud.
(Joseph)
'Hold that embrace.'
'Sal, start petting Q's mane.
Start petting his mane.'
[laughing]
(Murray)
'They're all staring!'
Now big break, say,
"Okay, let's go!"
Alright, let's go.
I'm stewing
in-in the humiliation.
Q, when this guy reaches
for the ball, grab his hand.
Look him in the eye
and say, "Hey."
- Hey.
- "You're a hell of a bowler."
- You're a hell of a bowler.
- "For a woman."
For..
[laughing]
You're a hell of a bowler.
Boom!
Sorry.
I was looking him in the eyes.
Two turkeys!
That's what you are.
Your nickname should be
gutter ball.
(male narrator)
Q and Sal are in
a league of their own
on the loser board.
You guys ever enter
a tournament?
- I was in a karate tournament.
- What? You?
- I didn't know that!
- I was in grade school.
I got eliminated first round.
I always wanted to take karate.
My parents wouldn't let me.
My mother was afraid
I was gonna break my nose.
Ironically,
I got my nose broke in a fight
because I couldn't
defend myself.
[laughing]
We're here at Redd's restaurant
and bar
adding food
to people's plates.
Armed with this bowl
of mashed potatoes
the goal is to dole out
as many scoops as possible
until you're asked to stop.
Whoever serves
the fewest scoops loses.
Important note,
we don't work here
and they didn't order potatoes!
But they're gonna get them!
Alright, bud, go get them.
Let's serve up some potatoes.
I'll tell you what,
I'm really nervous.
They just got their food.
[laughing]
You're just a grown man
holding a bowl of potatoes.
One, two, potatoes.
(Joseph)
'Here he goes.'
And get it right up in there
with the potatoes.
(all)
Ohh!
You're just a grown man
holding a bowl of potatoes.
One, two, potatoes.
(Joseph)
'Here he goes.'
And get it right up in there
with the potatoes.
[laughing]
You're gonna want to share them,
but you don't have to.
[laughing]
They're mashed.
Right there is
where you wanna go.
(Quinn)
'Look at her, look at her.'
Knock knock.
Potatoes.
- 'Oh! Whoa!'
- 'Whoa.'
- Here's some.
- Thank you.
I don't work, I don't,
I don't work here.
No.
No, wait!
They're handing it back!
[laughing]
(Joseph)
'You left her
holding her plate up.'
I didn't think he was gonna
get that many scoops.
Ha!
This is..
I'm really nervous.
It's terrifying
when you're down here
with eight pounds of potatoes.
Good luck b*ating
all my scoops, buddy.
Oh, my god.
You're coming out of
the gate with a lot of scoops.
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, guys,
I'm-I'm sorry to interrupt.
I'm sitting at the table
just around the way
and somebody's blocking my car.
I have a gray Honda Civic.
Murr doesn't base
anything on the truth.
He's never owned a car.
The car that's
blocking me is like, uh
it's like a Volkswa..
Like an SUV.
- Does anybody have one?
- No.
Are you guys driving an SUV?
It was parked, like,
right there.
[laughing]
Oh, the distracted.
I don't even understand
the approach here.
Like, just sneak scoops?
Sir, what kind of car
do you have back there?
What? A Sonata.
Did you park
in the main lot over there?
This guy is horrified.
- What? The side.
- You went over to the side lot?
That-that's not gonna get him
a lot of scoops.
That's gonna get him a couple
sneak scoops.
What kind of car
did you drive over?
- Guys?
- They're ignoring him!
They're actually ignoring him!
What kind of car did you drive?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
There's no worries.
I'm-I'm sorry.
Here's the scoop, Murr,
you're done!
[laughing]
(Joseph)
'You know, it's really
nice of Redd's'
with their food for the
homeless program they're doing
'with the big bowls
of mashed potatoes.'
I'm dressed exactly like Sal.
I mean, you're wearing
the same outfit,
you both have a beard, you both
have a good head of hair
but somehow you still
look homeless.
It's actually weird because
you and Joe dress alike
and you look like an [bleep].
[laughing]
Hey, guys.
I got the cure
for what ails you.
Potatoes.
[laughing]
That's every potato
in the bowl out right there.
Q, it's how many scoops
you put!
It's not you lose
all the potatoes!
- It's how many scoops!
- Oh, [bleep]
- 'That's one scoop!'
- 'Nice plan, [bleep]'
So, uh, guys,
what are we doing here?
Scoopin' potatoes, buddy.
No, no, no.
There's your mistake.
Let's scoopski potatoes.
Is that Italian?
[laughing]
- "Scoopsy potatoes?"
- Scoopski.
(Murray)
'Why is he so confident?'
Whenever he makes up words,
I get scared.
♪ Scoopski potatoes
ugh ♪
♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪
[laughing]
♪ Scoopski potatoes
ah ah ♪
♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪
Bang!
♪ Scoopski potato ♪
♪ Scoopski po.. ♪
Aah! Boom!
♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪
♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪
♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪
♪ Scoopski potatoes
scoopski potatoes ♪
Bang!
There's potato
flying everywhere.
♪ Scoopski potatoes
ugh ♪
[laughing]
♪ You want the scoopski ♪
♪ You've got potatoes ♪
♪ You want the scoopski
you got potatoes ♪
The trick is to make them laugh
so they don't care.
Where's it going?
Scoopski pota..
Aah! Ohh! Ehh! Ohh!
[laughing]
♪ Scoopski potatoes ♪
♪ Who wants scoopskies?
I got potatoes ♪
♪ who got the scoopskies?
I got potatoes ♪
♪ Scoopski potatoes! ♪♪
(Sal)
'Oh, my God!'
That's-that's the taste
of victory right there.
(male narrator)
Q's big scoop is small potatoes
so he's eating up
the loser board.
[instrumental music]
What do you guys
see in the clouds?
- I see your mom.
- Oh!
Got him again!
It's not cool, guys.
Today, we're cloud-watching
in central park.
We have to go up to strangers
and tell them
what we see in the clouds.
The catch is, what we see
will be given to us
by the other guys.
If you can't get
the person to admit
that they see what you see,
you lose.
You see that cloud
right there?
Doesn't that look like
something to you?
For me, this one right here,
this cloud?
Looks like a hooker
with a heart of bronze.
Looks like a, uh..
..uh, it looks like a hooker
with a heart of bronze.
'You know?'
Like, she's made some mistakes,
you know?
But she's-she's on her way back.
Like she might not take all the
stuff from the nightstand,
but she might take
like five dollar for gas.
Yeah, yeah..
Hey, uh..
You didn't even ask her
if she saw it, you dope?
You didn't play
the game right.
She just walked away thinking
you're some weird guy that saw
'in a cloud, a hooker
with a heart of bronze.'
I forgot to ask her.
[laughing]
(Joseph)
'Sit next to white pants.'
You see the cloud
right there?
Do you think that looks like
anything at all?
- I do. I see a--
- A delicious hole.
[laughing]
It means nothing,
but it sounds like it does.
Nothing and everything
at the same time.
It looks like a delicious hole.
Do you see it?
"Nope. Ready? We're out."
On my list of activities
that I would do on any given day
cloud-watching is the absolute
last thing that I would ever do.
I get it. It's like, uh..
It's like an imagination thing.
I can imagine
everything Q sees
is, like, beer,
sh*t of whiskey.
'Redhead.'
Can I ask your opinion
on something?
You see that,
that cloud right there?
Does that look like
anything to you?
'Cause to me, it looks like..
Your real hair color.
- Oh, my God!
- You're a genius.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, yeah?
Can I ask your opinion
on something?
You see that,
that cloud right there?
Does that look like
anything to you?
- 'Cause to me, it looks like..
- Your real hair color.
- Oh, my God!
- You're a genius.
To me, it looks like
a giant thumbs-down.
Looks like a giant, like,
thumbs-down in the sky.
Yeah.
Guys, what does that look
like to you?
That cloud up there?
Yeah, you see that one
floating by? See, to me--
It looks like a bunch of
shirtless third-graders.
[laughing]
To me..
To me, it looks like a bunch of
shirtless rd-graders.
Oh, my God.
- 'Yeah, right up there.'
- "There's Tad right there."
You got Tad, Christopher,
Dalton with no shirts.
I mean, do you guys see it?
You don't know the half of it.
[laughing]
(Joseph)
'Right here.'
'Plaid shirt, pink jacket.'
Wow.
Guys, see those clouds passing
by right here?
To me, it looks just like...
"my father telling me
I'm a failure."
[laughing]
It looks just like my father
telling me I'm a failure.
To me, every single cloud
looks like that.
Every tree,
the laughter of children.
Just reminds me of my father
thinking I'm a failure.
(Murray)
'Do you see it on the cloud?'
Is it obvious
when you look at me?
Okay, nice to meet you.
Right now,
your father was right, buddy.
'That's failure.'
Oh. Do want me to help you?
Is it your first time to the
fountain, or..
Yeah.
'I come down here
for the cloud-watching.'
What's that cloud look
like to you?
'You see that little one
right in the middle?'
'A fish laughing?'
You know
what it looks like to me?
Two mattresses
having a pillow fight.
It looks like two mattresses
having a pillow fight.
[laughing]
- That's a good one.
- That is a good one, right?
- Do you see it?
- Maybe.
Maybe?
Oh, it's a maybe.
No, no, no.
That's not a yes.
- "It's a maybe."
- Gonna need a yes or no-ski.
If you look at the whole thing,
it actually looks like..
An NBA locker room.
Yeah.
[laughing]
Ah, an NBA locker room.
That's not a dragon, no, no.
That tail sticking down is
Shaq's dong.
"The little one!"
Yeah, it must have got
cold in there.
"Oh, my God!
There's Dreadlock Jesus!"
Oh, [bleep]
Dreadlock Jesus.
See this? Right here.
It's Jesus but with dreadlocks.
So, like, when he's, like,
multiplying the loaves
he's just doing this first.
Right? Do you see it?
Oh-ho-ho!
(male narrator)
It's cloudy skies for Q.
He's tonight's big loser.
Q lost,
and he's great at losing.
- But he is terrible at science.
- Wait. What?
So, inside waiting for him
is a room full
of science enthusiasts.
And we've prepared a
presentation for him
titled "The Future of
Science and Technology."
Wait. I thought you guys were
dressing me up like a butcher.
Oh, you're gonna
butcher this.
That's a scientific fact, Jack.
Hello.
Welcome,
a-a-and thank you for coming.
"Quinndustries, The Future of
Science and Technology."
I'm Brian Quinn,
Ph.D., of course
un, in technology
at Cornell University.
Okay, here we go.
"Examples of recent
breakthroughs."
Ah, "acceleration
of quantum computing."
Got to love that
quantum computing.
"Non-invasive
genome sequencing."
He's trying really hard
to pronounce the words right.
The beginning
of the presentation
he cannot keep up.
"Impending
medical breakthroughs."
This is, this is what
I feel is going to
'really interest everybody.
"Common cold vaccine."'
It's coming, and it all
comes down to genome sequencing.
There is no vaccine for that.
I mean, I guess beer?
'cause if you really want to get
your genome sequence on.
And..."The State of Research."
Now this is interesting.
"Research and experimental
development is formal work
"which is undertaken
systematically
"to increase the stock
of knowledge
"including knowledge of
humanity, culture and society
and the use of this stock
of knowledge.."
Write this down.
"...to devise new applications
"in the corresponding
field of study
"for the collective advancement
of the aforementioned knowledge
of humanity, culture,
and society."
Ah, Dr. Craig Yun, Ph.D.
Great guy,
works down the hall from me
also went to Cornell.
He's a Nobel Laureate
and that guy is just cracking
away at genome sequencing.
[laughing]
Also kind of a d*ck.
He's a smart d*ck.
"The future of cloning."
- 'Oh.'
- 'Here we go.'
"Yes!
"Human cloning is possible now.
Quinndustries has successfully
cloned the first human."
There you go, Q,
the first human clone.
- 'There's the Q-two!'
- 'Rosie O'Donnell.'
I mean, look..
"Introducing the Q-two."
(Joseph)
'Right there.
Look at that vault.'
Okay.
Oh.
[laughing]
Amazing!
"Quinndustries has successfully
cloned the first human."
There you go, Q,
the first human clone.
"Introducing the Q-two."
(Joseph)
'Right there.
Look at that vault.'
Okay.
Oh.
(Joseph)
'This is
the cloning technology.'
(Murray)
'It's Rosie O'Donnell!'
'Your twin!'
[laughing]
Right.
Oh, okay, I see.
(both)
Oh, wow.
[laughing]
The Q-two,
ladies and gentlemen.
[applauding]
There we go, the, uh..
...cloning,
ladies and gentlemen!
[laughing]
Q-two, Q-two, this way.
02x22 - Everything's Just Rosie
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.