(male narrator)
Coming up..
Why is Sal
being such a bad boy?
Oh, my God.
(male narrator)
What do the guys do to
Murr that he can't bear?
(Sal on speaker)
'Help me from this man.'
(male narrator)
And will Sal
suck it up for the win?
[laughing]
[coughing]
We're at Compare Foods,
Brooklyn
trying to get from one end
of the aisle to the other.
The catch is, the only time
we're allowed to move
is when we've locked eyes
with a single stranger.
If the person stops looking,
you stop moving.
Whoever doesn't cross
the finish line loses.
Let's do this dance!
You can't have a real
conversation.
- No full sentences.
- That's to his advantage.
He can't speak
full sentences anyway.
(Joseph)
'You should be a home run
at this.'
- I heard that.
- Proceed as normal!
[gibberish]
Laugh it up, laugh it up.
- 'Q, go for wolverine.'
- 'With the bat shirt.'
(Joseph)
'Go for hipster wolverine.
Here he goes.'
Eh?
♪ Da-da-da da-da-da
da-da-da da-da-da ♪
That's super-impressive.
He's juggling two peaches.
(Murray)
'You're just handing--'
You're just throwing two
peaches in the air.
♪ Da-da-da ♪♪
- 'And he's gone!'
- 'Denied!'
(Joseph)
'Forget wolverine.
Get this guy.'
(Sal)
'Whoa!'
Eh! Eh!
Ah! Aah!
- 'He-he's not looking.'
- 'Not looking, stop moving.'
Da! Da da da!
Da da da!
(Sal)
'No, you're gonna
wear out your welcome.'
Soo! So-so!
[laughing]
- You're the ewok?
- You're an ewok now?
Swee!
Skiddle-lee-do!
[laughing]
[groans]
(Sal)
'He's gonna make it.
He's gonna make it.'
- 'You got four feet to go.'
- Eh!
- 'No, oh!'
- 'He got across!'
(Joseph)
'He got it! Oh, man!'
- 'He just used brute force.'
- Whoo!
You just got to put
the interesting face out there.
[laughing]
[clicks tongue]
Hey, a little bit..
[Murray laughing]
'A little bit.'
Just little bit,
little bit.
(Quinn)
'This is weird, man.'
[coughs]
(Quinn)
'Look at him.
Look at this face.'
You've essentially made
yourself someone
that nobody would ever
want to make eye contact
with in a supermarket.
Wha..
Ju..
Wha..
A little bit.
You did that a little bit.
(Murray)
'Oh-ho-ho!'
[whinnies]
(Murray)
'You got him! He's got him!'
(Sal)
'Stop!'
Stranded halfway.
A little bit.
A little bit.
Was it..
What?
Oh. Oh.
Oh, a little bit. Alright.
I didn't..
(all)
'Oh!'
- 'Nicely done!'
- 'Wow.'
One person from start
to finish, right?
Yep, one person
from start to finish.
(Murray)
'No conversation.'
- What the..
- That's your plan?
(Joseph)
'What is he doing?'
(Murray)
'Don't people die like that?'
Well, not when they
rip a big hole
by your nose and mouth.
'What are you, a produce ninja?'
[laughing]
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
[sighs]
(Joseph)
'Sal, do you know
what the [bleep]'
'you look like right now?'
- 'Oh, oh, oh!'
- 'He's dancing plastic ninja!'
(Joseph)
'There he goes, there he goes!'
[laughing]
- 'He's got it!'
- 'Yeah, he's got it!'
(Joseph)
'He's got him!
He's in! He's in!'
'He's in! Oh!'
[coughing]
[laughing]
(Joseph)
'He almost d*ed a winner!'
'Murray, I swear to God,
if you say the words'
"I have a foolproof plan,"
I'm gonna come out
and [bleep] strangle you.
I don't know if it's foolproof
but it's an idea.
Murr, do me a favor,
just show us. Don't say it.
'Just show us what you're
gonna do. Don't say it.'
(Quinn)
'Look, look at him struggling
to keep it in.'
- Yeah, keep it in.
- "Aah! Overload! Overload!"
Sparks start coming out
of his ears.
"Need to tell you
about my approach!"
"Must tell plan!
Must tell plan!"
"This violates prime directive."
"I got to tell you about
my foolproof approach!"
Stop.
(Sal)
'This guy in red, buddy.'
Plum. Plum.
Apple. Apple.
Green apple. Green apple.
Orange. Orange.
Orange. Orange. Orange.
Orange. Orange.
Orange, orange, orange.
Orange. Lemon. Lime. Lime.
Lime.
Navel orange. Navel orange.
Navel orange.
Navel.
Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe.
Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe.
- Cantaloupe?
- He's not into melons.
- Yeah, he's not a melon guy.
- Banana? Banana?
Sweet potato. Sweet potato.
Sweet potato, sweet potato.
Sweet potato, swee..
Oh! Sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
(Quinn)
'And he lost him!'
[cheering]
You see how close I am?
- Idiot.
- Idiot.
Idiot.
(male narrator)
Murr couldn't cross
the finish line
so he finishes
on the loser board.
They say if you're
interested in a woman
you're supposed to
make eye contact with her.
Seems necessary, otherwise
she'll never, ever know
you mean to talk to her.
It never works out.
I'm always like, "Hey.
What's going on, baby?"
And then I just,
I can't seal that deal.
I don't know why.
How many are you staring at?
The middle one.
Always stare at the middle one.
[laughing]
Today we're working
as podiatrists
in the offices of
Dr. Dan Margolin.
We're gonna be all up
in them foots.
While examining people's feets
we have to do and say whatever
the other guys tell us to.
And if you refuse,
you go down in defeatses.
Murr, you in a lab coat
looks eerie.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
My patient is here.
- Hi. How are you?
- Good. How you doing?
Good.
James Murray, doctor.
- How you doing?
- Have a seat, please.
So, bring me up to speed
with what's been going on.
- Well, I have severe pain on..
- Okay.
Do you mind if I just take
a quick selfie here
with my camera
of your big toe?
[laughing]
- Take a selfie.
- Just take a selfie!
I'm just gonna pop a selfie
real quick.
This is gonna look great
on my Facebook.
[laughing]
Oh, my God.
(Murray)
'That's great, right?'
[laughing]
Okay, tell me if you feel
any pain when I do this, okay?
Hey, bud, why don't you start
a tickle fight?
[laughing]
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
'Tickle, tickle, tickle.'
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle
tickle, tickle, tickle.
'Little bit?'
[laughing]
Little bit?
[laughing]
Murray, lay on top of this guy.
[laughing]
Full body hug, Murr!
- 'Oh, man.'
- Anyway..
[laughing]
Oh, amazing.
Come on in.
Have a seat, please.
- Murr, sit him down.
- Have a seat, please.
Give him a sensual foot massage.
There's lotion
right on that counter, buddy.
Yeah.
Sensual, sensual.
Murr, pleasure that big toe.
(Sal)
'No, no, no, no, no, no, no!'
Pleasure that big toe.
(Sal)
'No, no, no, no, no, no, no!'
'No, don't do it, don't do it!'
Aah!
- 'Murr, pleasure that big toe.'
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- 'Pleasure that big toe.'
- 'Pleasure that big toe.'
(Sal)
'No, no, no, no, no, no, no!'
'No, don't do it, don't do it,
don't do it, don't do it!'
Do you play golf?
[screaming]
Oh, my god!
Stop it!
Stop!
For sakes, stop!
Why does he keep going?
Stop and you win.
Stop and you win. Stop and we'll
give you the thumbs-up!
Murr, if he finishes,
you win.
(Murray)
'Q, you ever been to
a foot doctor?'
No, my feet are fine.
Your feet are probably the
healthiest thing on your body.
[laughing]
Alright. How are you?
Good.
Ah, please, have a seat.
Yeah, just sit back, relax.
Get comfortable.
What's the problem, Anastasia?
That's okay.
I don't want you to worry about
that. I have like ten of them.
Q, turn to the door
and say, "Come in."
Come in.
Okay, I thought that somebody
was gonna.. Okay, sorry.
Q, grab the bottle of
antibacterial to your right.
'And just start squirting
a whole bunch in your hands.'
Okay. And how long have you been
feeling the pain?
Right. I just like everything
to be, you know, completely..
(Murray)
'Oh, my God!'
- Come in!
- Come in!
yeah, I guess that
that's not gonna..
- Anyway, about your foot..
- Anyway, about your foot..
- Sorry if I'm a bit off.
- Sorry if I'm a bit off.
I walked in on my parents
doing it this morning.
[laughing]
Come in.
[laughing]
Did you fill out, uh,
paperwork today?
I need you to sign
this waiver, then.
'Get the roll of paper towels.'
(Murray)
'Just have you
sign this waiver.'
We'll just have you
sign the waiver.
- Yeah.
- 'What the hell?'
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
(Joseph)
'Alright, Sal, stand up and just
be like, "Let's get started"'
and turn around
and spank yourself.
[laughs]
Alright, so..
[laughing]
- 'Do it again.'
- 'Spank that butt.'
[laughing]
Go to the cabinet
to get something.
- Spank yourself.
- 'Yeah, buddy, spank yourself.'
[laughing]
Oh, my god.
Alright, and this-this foot
you've never had pain?
Okay, sure.
[laughing]
- I'll go get the other doctor.
- 'Spank.'
[laughing]
Okay, have a seat
right there.
Hi, Brianna.
I'm Dr. Gatto.
Nice to meet you.
So, what's going on here?
(Sal)
'Joe, is that
your phone ringing?'
Let me see. One second.
I'm just,
I have a patient right now.
Yeah, I'm with a patient
right now.
How's that booty?
'Just say it.'
How's that booty?
How's that booty?
Alright, talk to you later,
Phillip.
Alright, Phillip.
I'll talk to you later.
[laughing]
Talk to you later, Phillip.
Joe, have twitchy hands.
Who'd you see
when you were here last time?
Oh, okay, okay.
Great doctor, great doctor.
The swelling's gone down
a little bit here.
- Okay, let me, uh..
- Yeah, I feel like I'm..
Well, let me,
let me see what I have.
Ah..
This is what we have.
- 'These guys.'
- 'Look at her face.'
Look at her.
Bud, put those glasses on.
Look at the swelling.
I'd like to see what..
Son-of-a..
Oh. That's unfortunate.
Put them on, bro!
Come on, put them on, bro!
Alright, well..
(Murray)
'Look at her face.'
Keep them fingers moving.
Keep them fingers moving.
(Murray)
'She's looking at you
like you're insane.'
It hasn't hurt in a while?
Like, you're able to
walk around?
(male narrator)
Q couldn't doctor a win,
so he's kicking his feet up
on the loser board.
As I'm getting older
I'm starting to get
athlete's foot.
What?
The problem is,
you're no athlete.
So you don't have
athlete's foot.
You just have foot.
[laughing]
Today, we're in the park asking
the most normal of questions.
Could you help me bury this?
The catch is,
we don't know what we're burying
'cause it's been planted
by the other guys.
If you can't convince
someone to help you
bury the item,
you lose.
Hold this.
Joker versus Joker,
whoever's holding the shovel.
Ohh!
Dig it!
Your legs are really white.
- I know. Thanks a lot.
- They glare.
They're, like, not even white,
they're like grey.
They're like
"Fifty Shades Of Grey."
I just want to handcuff him
and [bleep].
[laughing]
Ah, this is k*lling me.
Friend, could I, could you give
me a hand for one sec, buddy?
I pulled my back out.
Do you want to give me a hand
for one second?
I'm almost done.
I got to bury this.
It's a..
- Oh.
- It's just a..
[laughing]
you know what it is?
It's, uh..
I got to bury this.
It's a..
- Oh.
- It's just a..
A wedding dress.
[laughing]
Whose wedding dress is it,
buddy?
- This is, um..
- Yeah, whose-whose is it?
My, um...
my mother...is getting
remarried tomorrow.
But not on my watch.
[laughing]
Dalton will never be
my real dad.
[laughing]
Give me a hand, bro.
You know what I'm talking about,
right?
He thinks he's the new man
of the house.
You mind giving me a hand?
- 'Oh, my God!'
- That's it.
You and me,
let's bury this.
- Alright.
- Man.
♪ I get to keep my mommy ♪
♪ I get to keep my mommy ♪
(Joseph)
'Get these guys.'
You mind giving me a hand,
fellas, real quick?
I got to bury this thing.
'And I just,
it'll just take a minute.'
Let me just..
It's a teddy bear.
[laughing]
Yeah, I just got to bury
this teddy bear.
What Murray doesn't know
is this teddy bear talks.
(Sal on speaker)
'Please don't bury me.'
I got bury this teddy bear
that--
Please help me.
Help me from this man.
- Yo! It's like Chucky.
- Hold on a second!
(Sal on speaker)
'Please help,
the things this man'
'has done to me
are unspeakable.'
[laughing]
I haven't done anything
unspeakable to this teddy bear.
(Sal on speaker)
'Bull[bleep].'
It's just,
I'm done with this teddy bear.
I don't need it anymore.
I just need a hand burying it.
(Sal)
'Call the police.'
Don't listen to the teddy bear.
Give me a hand for one sec.
Here, take a shovel.
- Come on. There you go.
- 'Please.'
Give me a hand.
It'll take one sec.
We'll bury this teddy bear
once and for all.
Guys, we'll do this together.
Come on.
I need your help.
(Sal on speaker)
'Drop that shovel [bleep]'
You pick up that shovel.
You throw that dirt
right on that teddy bear.
- I can't.
- Come on, man.
(Sal)
'I'll come back and get you
if you help him.'
Don't listen to what he said!
Don't be swayed!
Oh! Come on, do it, do it!
Yes!
[groaning]
(Sal on speaker)
'The grave is so cold.'
Excuse me. Hi.
Look at her.
She's just staring at him.
Could you help me bury this?
You're in a rush?
Alright, well, thank you.
If somebody approached you
in a park holding a shovel
- 'I would keep running.'
- Excuse me.
Could you give me a hand
with something, buddy?
Well, it's simple. I just gotta
bury something real quick.
It's, um..
It's a..
It's an envelope of d*ck pics.
which is, it's-it's pictures
of my friend d*ck.
But he's-he's naked in them.
It's d*ck's dicks pics.
He asked me to help him
get rid of them,
so if you mind, just throw it
like, help me out?
No? You wanna see the pictures?
[laughing]
Could you, could you help me
with this for one second?
It's exercise.
It's exercise.
Here we go.
Ah, just-just help me bury this
for one second.
It's, uh..
[laughing]
It's a wheelbarrow
full of naked dolls.
[laughing]
Every one of them represents
an ex-girlfriend of mine.
And I can't,
and I can't take it anymore.
[laughing]
That's Tina.
That's Tina.
She broke up with me
'cause she said I yelled
too much.
That's Mary.
She said she hated all my cats.
'That's Jeannette.
She hated the wheelbarrow.'
My therapist said
I gotta get rid of these things.
[laughing]
So, what do you say,
you just gonna give me a hand
bury these dolls?
[laughing]
(male narrator)
The only thing Q buried
was himself
making him tonight's big loser.
Q's career in the arts
continues.
First, a photographer,
then a fashion designer
and now a filmmaker.
You're gonna
head to this theater
packed with movie buffs
and show them a few key scenes
from your film,
which we made.
(Joseph)
'Good luck explaining it, buddy'
because the reviews are in.
It's [bleep]
[laughing]
My favorite part
is that Q can't talk.
And we force him
to explain things.
- He's not good at speaking.
- No.
He's not good at words
coming out of his mouth.
[applauding]
I would like to
thank you all for coming.
I'm just gonna be showing some,
uh, clips from a short film.
We directed these scenes to make
absolutely no sense on purpose.
These are some key scenes
from the movie.
We sh*t them, and, uh..
Oh, here we go.
"Untitled film project.
A modern drama based on my life.
By Brian Quinn."
They say that art is supposed
to draw from what you know.
This has all been
based on my life.
Ah, so, here is scene b,
"Love In The Park."
And go ahead, please.
[laughing]
Here we go.
"Untitled film project.
'"A modern drama
based on my life.'
'By Brian Quinn."'
This has all been based on
my life.
So, here is scene b,
"Love In The Park."
Here we go.
I'm really sorry
it didn't work out.
I'll miss you.
I guess I'll never get those
apples from your mother.
[scoffs]
Apples.
So, as you can see there
there's a, you know,
there's, um..
That was my girlfriend
dumping me.
That was me in the suit
with the hat.
He's sweating.
You know, our relationship
was really founded on
a love of,
a mutual love of apples.
And then we met at an orchid.
- Orchard.
- Orchard.
An orchid is a flower.
Please roll it.
Scene a, subtitled
"Peanut Butter and Smelly."
[laughing]
Oh, spare us!
The turtle had an abortion!
Price gouging,
that's what I call it!
Yeah, well, just don't call it
late for supper.
Just don't call it
late for supper.
Hyah!
[laughing]
(Joseph)
'What, uh,
what happened there, bud?'
[laughing]
Clearly,
the relationship was in turmoil.
You know, she was always, uh,
threatening me with knives
and I was always..
...threatening her
with the crane kick
from "Karate Kid."
[laughing]
Next, next..
'Scene , "My Uncle Raked Me,
in the backyard."'
Please roll that.
[intense music]
(both)
I am the world.
Pittsburgh!
(Joseph)
'Pittsburgh.'
[laughing]
Okay, now we're just gonna
open it up to a quick Q-and-A.
[laughing]
So, now we're just gonna open
it up to a quick Q-and-A.
[laughing]
Oh, my God.
What festivals do you plan on
submitting this to?
This is shoe-in for Sundance.
[laughing]
Canise.
- No.
- Cannes, Cannes.
The one, the one in France.
Like, that..
[laughing]
[applauding]
Peanut Butter and Smelly.
[laughing]
02x19 - Film Fail
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.