03x06 - The Very Grateful Dead

[bunniefuu]

And so we commit to the ground.

The earthly remains of Doris Havilland.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

Oh, that's kind of a down to Earth.

I didn't write it.

Just let him finish Dharma.

-Don't you think we should say something
-We barely knew her.

Well, we can b*at dust to dust.

I'd like to say something, please.

-Dearly beloved...
-It's just me Dharma.

You are dear and you're beloved.

Doris Havilland lived in our building.

She was a neighbor,
in the truest sense of the word,

she was a person,

who lived near us...

in our building.

That was beautiful.

-Greg, do you want to say anything?
-No, no, you...

clearly knew her better than I did.

And now, let us bow our heads,
and bid a farewell silently

To Doris, your journey has come to an end.

I don't think so.

Dharma!

I'm sorry honey, go back to sleep.

It's just a ghost.

It sounded like you had
a pretty spooky dream last night.

Oh boy, it was awful.
Thank God Doris's ghost woke me up.

Do you want to do something today?
Maybe see a movie?

Maybe when I get back, yeah.

Where are you going?

I have to go to the post office and
buy some stamps,

and then I thought I'd help
the landlord pack up Doris's stuff,

and see if I can't figure out
why she is haunting the physical realm.

Bye.

The post office you say.

-Hey!
-Hey.

You've been down here
a long time, everything is OK?

Greg, I feel terrible.

Five years I lived in the same building
with this woman,

and I knew nothing about her.

Like I had no idea she collected hats.

I wonder what made her collect hats.

I don't know maybe...

stamps didn't keep her head warm.

What is that smell?

Menthols.

Doris smoked menthols.

Look, her last pack not even finished.

Yeah, that's usually the way it works.

What exactly are you are you looking for?

I told you Greg,

Doris has some unfinished business
that's keeping her spirit from moving on,

and I have to find it.

Dharma, there's no ghost, you had a dream.

What about seeing Doris in the graveyard?
How do you explain that?

The same way I explained it
when it happened.

You saw a statue lit up by lightning.

No Greg, you saw a statue
lit up by lightning, I saw Doris.

Oh my God, look!
Unfinished business.

She's tethered to this earthly plane

because she didn't pick up
her dry cleaning.

You would be.

Dharma, the only thing hanging around
here is years of cigarette smoke.

There are no ghosts, goblins, vampires,

demonic black cats or anything... OK.

So there's a cat.

Doesn't seem like unfinished business.

I know that's what I thought.

Ordinary dry cleaning.

All right, OK. How about
this needlepoint now.

If at first, you don't suck.

I certainly hope
that's unfinished business.

It's probably not enough to keep
her spirit roaming the Earth.

I doubt it she come to you
for something you could do.

Well I need a point.

Of course you do, darling.

This is really good work.

Hello!

Oh Kitty. The door's open.

What's she doing here?

She called. She wants to borrow
some clothes.

Come on, what's she really doing here?

She wanted to borrow some clothes.

-Hello dear!
-Hi.

I'm sorry to come in the back way,
but there's a rather...

large hole in your front yard.

Yeah, sorry about that.
Larry's digging a Y K shelter.

-Isn't that resourceful.
-Yeah.

When all the computers
in the world stop working

he and I can go out
and lie down in a hole.

Well, an ounce of prevention.

Anyway about the clothes...

You really are borrowing my Mom's clothes?

Why, is that so odd?

Yeah Kitty, that is so odd.

Well, your mother always looks very...

comfortable, and I just thought that...

Oh heck.

Edward and I have been invited
to a costume party,

and I thought we would go as
a couple of old hippies.

Oh, I hope I haven't offended you.

No.

Why should I be offended?

You just want to wear my everyday
clothes as a Halloween costume.

Yes.

Well,OK. Let's go and look.

Just hope I can find something that's
not way too big for you in the bust.

Oh I don't want to miss this.

Honey, why are you still up?

Greg, this is so sad.

What are you reading?

Doris's diary.

She never married Greg,
I think she d*ed a virgin.

Too bad you didn't know that.

It would have added some color
to the eulogy.

Listen to this.

December , .

Good news

Fred will be home on leave soon.

I've decided to give myself to him

fully.

I'll finally know what it means
to be a woman.

Also looking forward

to hear more wonderful stories
about Pearl Harbor.

Tough break.

Listen!

Three weeks later,

still can't stop thinking about Fred,

mother suggested
I cheer myself up with a new hat.

-Sounds like a good idea.
-Come on, let's go to bed.

I'm finally going to lose my virginity

my cousin Nancy fixed me up with
a handsome young actor; a Mr Rock Hudson.

Hey handsome!

Would you like a ride
on the old grey mare?

Are you smoking?

I don't know, why don't you take a look.

Hey!

Good morning.

Thank you. No, thank you.

Who sprinkled you
with horny dust this morning.

I just can't get last night
out of my mind.

- Why, what happened last night?
- Dharma, Come on.

The sex was unbelievable.
It was more than unbelievable, it was...

it was circus sex.

Last night?

I didn't know where you were going
with the hat and the cigarette,

but I'm glad you took me with you.

I was smoking a cigarette?

You're kidding, right?

No.

I don't know what you...

oh my.

I know what happened,

Doris unfinished business.

What?

She never had sex Greg,
so she possessed my body.

No I see where this is going.

So she can have sex with you.

Nope, that's not it.

Abby said she'd come to me
for something I was good at.

Isn't this wonderful Greg.

We helped her lose her virginity.

No, Dharma, listen to me. You you've
been going through this woman's stuff,

you've been staying up
all night reading her diary,

-Don't you see what's happening here?
-Yes.

You and I helped de-flower a dead woman.

OK, so no you don't
get what's happening here.

Doris, if you can hear me,
I am so happy for you.

Greg's good. I wasn't good.

Stop it, you are always good.

I bet she comes back for a moment.

Knock it off Dharma.

-Wait are you uncomfortable?
-Yes, I'm very uncomfortable with this .

Greg, if that's how you feel,
shouldn't you say something to her.

Dharma, I can't talk to Doris, she's dead.

Which is why we have
to say something, go ahead.

-I'll call Abby.
-No, no Seance

OK, I can't believe you.

You take a poor dead woman's virginity,

and now you won't talk to her.
Shame on you.

Doris!

We're calling Doris.

Your calling her for an hour,
she's either not there or she's asleep.

Maybe the problem
is someone's not focused.

OK everybody, let's just take
a deep cleansing breath,

and open our hearts
to make Doris feel welcome,

because, remember, as strange as this
is for us it's even stranger for Doris.

I don't think so.

Let's just clear our minds of all thought.

Done.

Doris!

If you can hear my voice give us a sign.

I got nothing.

-Because there is no ghost.
-OK.

Perhaps you would like
to explain to the group,

how you had the greatest sex
of your life, and I never woke up.

Go ahead, Greg.

Maybe, subconsciously, you felt guilty

because you never got to know
this old woman,

and that's what caused last night's...

business.

I don't think that's it.

Come on Dharma. I feel guilty too.
It's terrible how we ignore old people,

but let's face it, we're busy, we we...

we don't have time to hear
about their surgeries,

or how their kids never call her,

or how much
a tuna fish sandwich cost in .

I said it's terrible.

Well, what do you think, Dharma?

Do you think it could be
an expression of your guilt?

I don't know Abby,
that sounds a little blue.

I think what probably happened is that

after Doris had sex
she was ready to move on.

My kind of woman.

Oh wow! Who else heard that?

yoh hoo, hoo!

She sounds scary.

It's my mother Larry.

I know who it is.

w*r is bad, give me a handout.

OK, the Chevy is definitely
in the levee now.

What are you doing?

Well, we are getting down
with our funky selves.

-Your mom's borrowing my Birkenstock.
-Yeah.

We're going to a costume party,
don't we look silly?

Abby, when was
the last time you wore this?

Tuesday.

-The Shoes are on the bed Kitty.
-Splendid!

Hang loosely Edward.

What are you playing?

We're having a seance to talk
to a dead woman your son had sex with.

It's none of my business Dharma.

But if the woman's dead,
can't this be water under the bridge?

She was dead when he had sex with her.

We used to play a lot of cribbage
in the army.

One of the fellas made
a board out of a g*n butt,

he drilled little holes in it,
and used toothpicks as pigs.

-All set.
-Let's go.

Dharma!

Dharma!

Dharma!

Are you out here?

Dharma!

Dharma!

Pete, what are you doing here?

I was sleeping.

With the garbage?

Sorry, all the dead chicks were taken.

Me and jane had a fight.

Hey!

I'm sorry.

-Really.
-Yeah.

Here's your pillow.

Jane, wait, have you seen dharma?

-No, why?
-I woke up and she was gone.

That dark cat.

Come on.

Well, there she is.

Gotta go.

What took you so long?

Dharma, what what are you doing down here?

Dharma is not here,

so whatever happens
is between you, and me.

Come on Dharma.

Cut it out.

If you're not coming to mama,

then mama's coming to you.

Dharma you...

you're sleeping, please wake up.

You didn't have time for me
when I was alive,

and now we're together
till death do us part.

And I'm aleady dead.

Dharma...

wake up.

Wake up.

Dharma...

this ought to be interesting.

-You OK?
-Yeah. I'm fine.

Where you going?

Not important.

I guess that explains
why you're not wearing pants.

OK, look there are
two possible things going on here.

The first, and more likely,
is that Dharma and I are feeling...

a little bit guilty for not...

having gotten to know you better
when you're alive.

The second possibility is...

and just kind of out there,

and the one that that brings me by,

is that I may have,

without realizing it,

led you on somehow.

Anyway, I just want you to know
that I'm married,

to a wonderful woman,

a living woman,

and I

I hope that... you and I can...

still be friends.

Hi!

Hello!

Getting a lot of rain, huh?

Yeah, I suppose.

Listen!

I

I

I don't want us just to talk about
the weather and go our separate ways.

I want us to...

spend time together make
a real connection.

I'm not a gay.

Me neither.

What about what about breakfast? Just...

just the two of us.

Please let go.

Your kids calling you enough?

Hear you doris,

and I understand you're upset,

but if Greg doesn't want to
continue in that kind of relationship,

I think you have to respect that.

Wait a minute, I have another idea,

that it might work for everyone.

They must have
let the faucet on a long time.

when they poured
a drink of water like you.

Kitty?

the name's Doris.

But what do you say, we have
a little fun with kitty's boddy.

Well, it's a long sh*t, but I'm game.