03x08 - Tie-Dying The Knot

[bunniefuu]

This is making me horny.

, .

We're definitely taking this home.

- , .
-Dharma!

-Have you seen your father?
-No, why?

You'll find out it's a surprise.

Carl, have you seen Larry?

Larry's not here ma'am.

Hey Dharma.

Hey Carl.

Greg, this is my dad's friend Carl.

-Carl, this is my husband Greg.
-Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you is my father's name,
you can call me Carl.

Hey all, can I get everybody's attention?

Yeah, we have a little announcement here.

Gather round. Dharma come here.
Hey, can someone shut off the music?

For the last years…

I've been lucky
to have this beautiful lady…

lay across my big brass bed.

And I've been blessed to spend my life
gazing into these kaleidoscope eyes.

Are they gonna start singing?

Gosh I hope so.

So, to commemorate the anniversary
of the day we first met.

And the second time we slept together.

A week from Tuesday…

we're getting married.

Wow! This is so awesome.
My parents are getting married.

You sure you two crazy kids
aren't rushing into anything?

That was my concern.

No, we've given this a lot of thought.

So it's a week from Tuesday,
one o'clock, San Francisco city hall.

I can't just go get married at city hall.

You've to let me throw you a big wedding
with all your friends.

-Right guys?
-Yeah.

Don't you want to think about this?
Throwing a wedding can be hard.

What's so hard Greg?
It's just Abby and Larry.

-It'll be totally casual, right?
-Totally.

Although the food would have to be vegan.

And some of the g*ng knows lacto-ovo
and some are kosher.

Kosher vegan.

And you know what might be nice?

If all the guests were
on horseback on the beach in the rain.

And Abby and I emerged from
the ocean like citizens of Atlantis.

Wearing wedding clothes made of kelp.

See Greg, it's totally casual.

Hey, I can eat kelp, man.

Oh you're right,
these are kinky and elegant.

But I think we need wedding favors…

that are more symbolic of ambulatory
spiritual, and physical coming together.

How about little personal vibrators?

I don't think so. You give
people at a wedding vibrators…

and you're never going to hear the band.

How about these?

These are always a big hit, you know?
Those are cute.

Abby what
about assorted marzipan genitals?

Beth Adler gave those out
at her parents th.

Hey, what was wrong with my idea?

Larry we've been through this.

There's no way Lily can put
a picture of you and Abby…

on a gross of condoms by next weekend.

sh**t!

Hey look who's here?

-Oh, dear lord!
-Kitty!

-What a surprise?
-Yes, as well.

We weren't actually coming to this store.

No, I don't know, Edward,
he needed change for the meter.

-There's meters there?
-Yes.

-Could you hold this?
-Yes.

Kitty, guess what.
Larry and I are getting married.

And they're registered here.

Hint-hint. These two go through sugar-free
candy panties like there's no tomorrow.

Lily, can my mother-in-law have just a
little taste of some of your panties?

Sure.

Hey, this was Kitty's idea.
She's going crackers since the change.

Don't be embarrassed Ed,
in a monogamous deal like yours…

you need a couple of D-batteries
to keep things humming.

Please, you've got
the same raw monogamous deal I've got.

No sir…

Abby and I have an open relationship…

and starting next week…

we're going to have an open marriage.

You're getting married?

Open marriage.

I'll still be a free man.

Open squirt.

Oh yeah?

Hey Abby!

-Do we have an open relationship?
-Yes, Larry.

See?

You've been with other women?

Hey, that's not the point.

The point is…

out of millions of women
that I could sleep with every day…

I choose Abby.

You couldn't get lucky…

if you were a chocolate-covered
millionaire with a fistful of new shoes.

-Really?
-really.

Here watch a little
un-repressed sexuality at work.

Excuse me?

I'm on a magical mystery tour.

Would you like to hop on board.

Call this number if you
want a hot meal in a bed for the night.

God bless you.

Score.

How many condoms have you done?

I don't know, about a .
What do you think?

That's my parents…

on a condom.

Let's start filling that fertility pinata.

Why couldn't we just
get a regular donkey pinata?

My mother didn't want the guests b*ating a
paper mache animal with sticks.

But she's fine with whooping on
a fat chick here?

Hey Larry, come on in.

Do you remember Carl?

I certainly do.

Is Greg around?
I need to ask him something.

No, he went for a walk in the park.

Cool.

Where?

The park.

Hey Dharma I'm hungry.
You got a kitchen, or something?

Try over there, Carl.

Abby wanted me to tell you
she loves the wedding invitation.

Oh great. Finally.

Just one thing…

where it says sunset on the beach…

she wants it to be sunrise on the beach.

We can't do that Larry.

Why? It's just changing one word.
How hard is that?

Cause we're in California.

If you want the sun to rise on
the beach we have to go to New Jersey…

or get the earth to spin in a
different direction.

Either way you're the boss.

Is Greg around?

Jane.

I hear he went to the park.

That's where we're going, come on.

Hey just a minute man.

Look! If you hold this condom upside down,
it kind of looks like you and Abby.

Yeah, I know.

Whoa, look! There's another one.

Hey, there's another one.

Well, this is starting to freak me out.

Come on buddy.

Well, look! Now they're looking like
puppies man.

Greg sandwich!

-Hi guys.
-Hey.

Listen I know you're
not a lawyer anymore…

but I was hoping you could
help me out with a small legal problem.

I don't know what is it?

I don't exist.

Isn't that more of a self-esteem problem?

No man, he's off the grip.

Listen I never wanted
the man to know where I was…

so I don't have a driver's license,
a social security number…

or one of those library cards.

That's how he find you.

And they won't give you
a marriage license…

without an ID.

Tricky bastards.

This is no problem, we'll just get
a copy of your birth certificate.

We need to know where you were born.

Don't panic, man.

Look here, we met in Fresno in .

Where were you before that?

Dharma, what are you doing?

I'm going with Jane and Abby
to scout some locations for the wedding.

Now, it's three in the morning?

We have to find some place
that looks good at sunrise.

Otherwise we're
flying everybody to Atlantic city.

Consider turning the Earth the other way?

It came up.

Is there any part of
this that I can help you with?

I'm not doing anything
important these days.

What?

Not doing anything important?

You are undergoing
an enormous personal transformation.

Yeah but that still leaves
my days pretty much free.

No, you need this time for yourself.

-Yeah, but there's…
-No yeah but.

Honey, you had the courage
to quit being a lawyer...

and find out who you really are,
that's huge.

You should be very proud of yourself.
I know, I am.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Don't worry about my parents wedding.

I'm on top of it.

-Good luck.
-Thank you, bye.

Honey, there's a man
coming this morning...

to pick up some doves, Abby doesn't want.
Make sure he gives you a receipt.

Got it.

Here birdie.

There you go.

One official birth certificate
for Myron Lawrence Finkelstein.

-That was fast.
-Thanks.

Would have been faster
if I'd known Larry was your middle.

Myron's not something you brag about.

Myron.

Greg, listen.
I got a legal problem myself.

Well, I'm not really practicing law now.

See, I wrote this hit song
a couple years ago…

and I'm pretty sure
I'd do some royalties, man.

Really?

What song?

That's what I need you to find out, man

Here, we come.

Well. Look out.

-Well, what do you think Abby?
-I don't know.

It looks a little claustrophobic
down there.

It's a canyon Abby.

You asked for a canyon.

Canyon! Canyon!

Now let's find one
that's not quite so closed in.

Jane, we're coming back up.

-Isn't that beautiful?
-Yep, OK good.

Jane will push the tape player on…

and then you and Larry
will walk down the aisle…

Dharma! You're just gonna play a tape.
Isn't that a little tacky.

Abby we auditioned a dozen different
singers you didn't like any of them.

Because nobody sings it
like Kenny Loggins.

OK, why don't we get
a different song then.

But Dharma, that's our song.

But if I can't play it on the player,
and you don't anyone else to sing it…

what exactly am I supposed to do Abby?

You'll think of something sweetie.
You're very good at this.

Wonderful!

Thank you so much.

-You want "Pooh Corner" or…?
-No.

We're just so honored that
you're willing to do this.

Yes, we certainly are.

Dharma, I don't know.

What do you mean, I don't know, Abby?

This is Kenny Loggins.

This is the guy who wrote the song.

This is the guy
who could have had me arrested…

when his dogs bit me in his backyard.

This is the guy for reasons
I still don't understand…

is sitting in my living room…

while we argue about whether or
not he's going to sing at your wedding.

I'm sorry, you want me to leave the room.

Just give us one second.

Dharma it's supposed to be my day and…

no offense Kenny, but when I walk down the
aisle everybody's gonna be looking at you.

She's right, that's why you gotta
stop playing weddings when you get famous.

So it's kind of two against one Dharma.

Maybe you should just
wait out in the hall for just one second.

-Abby?
-Yeah.

It's Kenny freaking Loggins.

I got this from my landlord.

Me and my monkeys
are being evicted for no good reason.

Here you go,
"California Code" a civil procedure.

Thanks.

Don't you hate phonies, what a turn off.

Listen Pete, you have to…

you have to promise me
that you won't tell Dharma what I'm doing.

Well I understand, I mean…

the last thing a wife wants to hear…

is that her bum husband got his ass
off the couch in his practice in law.

She thinks I'm on this voyage
of self-discovery.

See, all of my monkeys are potty trained.

That's good.

And two of them can read your thoughts.

Hey Greg…

I've been thinking about my buddy's case
here, man.

Doesn't the landlord's failure to exercise
the notepad clause in a timely fashion…

constitute a de facto waiver
of the provision.

It probably does. How did you know that?

I went to law school, man.

Hey Myron, dig me, I'm a lawyer, man.

Now, at this point the bridesmaids
will come down the aisle…

throwing the rose petals from
within their bosoms…

signifying the nourishing bounty
of mother Earth.

Dharma,
I don't feel comfortable with that.

-OK, listen.
-Yeah.

My mother feels very strongly
that your participation in this…

will help heal the divisions in our
family, and strengthen our spiritual…

whatever.

Would it k*ll you to yank some tulips
out of your tatas?

Now the giant lotus blossom will open,
and then music music music.

I cannot believe you Larry Finkelstein.

What, what did I do?

And then the single women…

will b*at the fertility
pinata with sticks…

showering the guests with condoms.

You're making
a mockery out of this whole ceremony.

You shouldn't have said it
if you didn't mean it.

I'm sorry where was I?

The guests were diving for rubbers…

maybe we should call off the rehearsal.

Your mother's pretty upset.

Why I don't know.

It must be jitters.

Cause she's making
a big deal because I brought a date.

You brought a date
to your wedding rehearsal.

Told you we had an open relationship.

Hey ginger. Hi sweetie. I'm on
the clock are you gonna want another hour?

Larry I'm sorry I overreacted you're
right we do have an open relationship.

Everybody this is my date Carl.

He's a lawyer.

It's my best friend.

I love you too budd.

Can I see the two of you over here
for just one second.

Hi, sorry I'm late. What'd I miss?
I'll tell you what you missed.

You missed two people
so afraid of commitment…

that they're deliberately sabotaging
their own wedding.

The flowers are too dead,
the food's too alive…

the Earth spins in the wrong direction,
and now…

they're bringing dates.

Okay I'm caught up.

All my life you guys told me
that your way was better…

because every day
you chose to be together.

But you ever stopped to think that there
was somebody in that house…

who woke up every morning…

wondering if this was the day her parents
were going to choose not to be together.

Oh, Dharma. No I don't hear it Abby.

Get married don't get married I.
Don't care you're on your own.

Well this party's pretty dead.

Hey who wants to go downtown
meet some mind-reading monkeys?

What do you think, Kitty?

No, even if you are blind in one eye you
you can't call them CNI monkeys.

Hey! Hi.

The hot dog stand is is right over there.

-What?
-You wanted a hot dog, remember?

-All right counselor.
-you got it… camper.

Street person, yeah.
Yesterday he called me princess.

So how are you doing?

I feel like a jerk burger
well honey you had a right to be upset.

Where do I come off being upset.

I had the best childhood of anyone I know.

But that doesn't mean
that it wasn't hard for you…

not knowing whether
your parents were gonna stay together.

No, but they did and I turned out fine.

At least I thought I did until I started
throwing tantrums like a -foot baby.

You didn't throw a tantrum.

You did throw an organic wedding cake
off the golden gate bridge.

If Abby and Larry change their minds…

and don't want to be married,
I should be fine with that.

I mean look at you.

You were a lawyer and you quit,
and here you are being a lawyer again…

and I'm totally fine with that.

-You know I'm practicing law?
-yeah.

I mean I guess I just have a hard
time letting go of my childhood fears.

Like I know lawn flamingos
can't turn kids into garden gnomes…

but I still won't look one in the eye.

All right, but
how did you know I was practicing law?

Honey, the people who are keeping
your secret are Pete, Larry and Carl.

I was… I was going to tell you.

I know you were.
You were just working up to it.

So you're not disappointed in me.

Do you feel this is your true path.

-Yeah I do.
-That's great.

Yeah, but it was the path I was on.

It doesn't matter,
now you know it's your true path.

And you did it pretty quick…

you didn't spend months doing open
mic-night trying to be a stand-up comic.

That's true.

I'm a lawyer.

I'm supposed to be a lawyer.

Dowey, come back here.

We're gonna sue that landlord…

and if we lose we'll appeal,
and if we have to…

we're going to take it all the
way to the united states supreme court…

to protect this man's god-given right
to live in an efficiency with monkeys.

-I'm so proud of you.
-Thank you.

Hey when are you going to tell your
parents that you're practicing law again.

I don't know, maybe when I uh…

get some clients that won't
throw their own feces when they lose.

They do that sometimes when they win.

Look at the bride.
Look at the bride.

Welcome everyone.

What a long strange trip it's been…

but here we are celebrating a relationship
that has lasted for wonderful years.

A relationship that has grown stronger…

because Abby and Larry
always followed their true paths.

No matter what the world said or
thought of them…

and so we gather here today to join
these two souls…

Abigail Kathleen O'Neill…

and Myron Lawrence Finkelstein…

Myron.

In an unofficial non-marital…

but henceforth monogamous
commitment ceremony.

With no paper trail
attracting the attention of the man.

Abby…

out of all the women in the world…

many of whom
I could have easily been with.

I choose to commit my life to you.

And why?

Because Abby…

a.

Is for your loving attitude…

with which you greet me each morning.

b.

Because I love you.

c.

As for the comfort
knowing you were at my side.

d.

Is for my desire which never fades.

e.

Is for every day she's by my side.

f.

Is for friendship.