03x21 - Big Daddy

[bunniefuu]

Katie, my parents wanted me
to thank you again...

for inviting them
to your garden party last weekend.

It was lovely to have them.

My dad's real sorry about what happened.

I understand.

He feels terrible about breaking
the head off that little lawn statue.

Dharma, I don't think we need
to talk about that any more.

I just want to make sure
they understand...

that the only reason
he knocked over the statue...

is because he was trying to
get to the garden hose...

to put out the gazebo
that he accidentally set on fire.

-Too bad he didn't make it.
-Yes.

He swears that's the last time
he'll wear a cake to a barbecue.

Well, I just think
that's good news all around.

So mother what else is new?

Did I tell you, Stephanie Northrop
called looking for you.

Really?

Didn't hear of her in years.

-Who's Stephanie Northrop?
-Old girlfriend.

She's the one your mother didn't like.

The one your mother didn't like.

She was very opinionated and she
dressed like an anchorwoman.

Although looking back...

I think I may have rushed to judgment.

You gonna call her?

I don't know, it's a little awkward.
Did you tell her that I'm married?

I don't recall I've been
distracted lately...

by the charred and smouldering
gazebo in my backyard.

You should call her.

Maybe.

Greg, just because
you had sex with this woman…

doesn't mean that you
can't be friends with her now.

If I couldn't be friends
with all the guys I had sex with...

I can't believe Larry b*rned down
that gazebo how bad Was that.

So what are you going to call Stephanie?

Oh well I don't know
I'll get around to it.

Don't you curious what she want?

No, not really.

Come on, Greg.

You know what this is.

She broke up with someone.

So she was going through her book,
saw your name.

It's a booty call.

Greg's got a booty call.

Look, if you're so curious
why don't you just call her.

Oh god!

Hello!

Hi Stephanie, It's Greg Montgomery.

Hey, good. And you?

What's up?

I want some booty.

A favour? Sure. What what kind of favour?

A booty favour.

Well, sure. I'd be happy to do that.
When do you need it by?

I need it now, and I need it bad.

Would you hold on a second.

She wants to send her son
to the same prep school I went to

and she needs a letter of recommendation.

Where I come from we call that booty.

That's my wife.

Listen, why don't you send me the
form and I'll fill it out.

With my booty.

Ok, if you're in a hurry,
why don't you...

why don't you bring it by?
And drop it in my booty.

Tomorrow would be fine.

Let me give you my address.

Where booty lane meets booty boulevard.

What?

Great, we'll see you tomorrow.

Hey! We are going to meet someone
very special tomorrow.

-Who?
-His name is Greg.

And he's an old friend of mommy.

I think you'll like him.
He's handsome and smart.

Just like you.

Something bothering you?

I don't know.

I thought maybe I
was going to get my first booty call.

-You never had a booty call.
-I never had a booty call.

-Where's your cell phone?
-On the coffee table.

Ok, wait here.

Hey baby...

you want to come over for
some of my hot boot day?

That's not me.

Hello mother.

He did a great job,
he seems like a really neat kid.

Thank you.

It's been hard raising him alone.

I just can't do
all that guy stuff with him.

And this stamp commemorates the first lady
of the American theater; Miss Helen Hayes.

Easy cowboy, you'll want
to use the tweezers.

When was the last time you saw Greg?

Oh let's see.

Seven no, Jeremy's seven.

It's gotta be eight years ago.

Look at them, they are like two
peas in a pod.

If peas collected stamps.

Oh what's that?

That is the th
anniversary of the cotton gin...

first day of issue.

Sweet.

So, you ready to add
a little boy to your family?

Excuse me.

Greg shouldn't have brought out
those stamps...

Jeremy's never gonna want to go home now.

He collects everything,
and he is so organized.

If I touch any of his things
I just never hear the end of it.

Yeah, I know how that is.

And these are my NASA commemoratives.

Mercury, Gemini, Apollo.

What's Charles Weinberg doing there?

Oh Jeez, Dharma, have you
been playing with my stamps?

Every chance I get.

OK, who's ready for that ice cream.

-Vanilla.
-Right.

-Greg, will you help me?
-Sure.

Be right back.

Hey mom, Mr Montgomery's allergic
to macadamia nuts just like me.

That is a handsome kid.

Yeah, he's a doll.

Did Stephanie say anything
to you about his father?

No, but I got the feeling that...

it didn't work out well,
so I didn't want to bring it up.

Probably smart.

Wouldn't it be great
if we had a kid like that someday?

Odds are we will.

So how come you and Stephanie broke up?

I don't know, she was...

a lot more serious than me.

-In what way?
-Well...

for one thing she really wanted
to have kids and...

I wasn't ready.

And this was eight years ago.

Sounds about right.

Oh jeez...

-I noticed something.
-Yes.

The spoons.

Spoons.

Harvard, Stanford, spoons.

What is that infernal racket?

Finkelstein.

What is he doing?

He felt bad about the gazebo,
so he's building us a new one.

Oh really?

well, I suppose that's all right.

How long is it going to take him?

Could be a while.

he asked me if I had a book
on how to build a gazebo.

I will never understand
why Abby puts up with that man.

Maybe because he has
a hell of a Johnson on him.

A what?

Oh, Edward.

Edward!

That is crude and vulgar.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

Listen...

I just want you to know that
I'm not going to say another word...

about the possibility
of Jeremy being your son.

Thank you.

You're welcome.
I would however like to show you...

a picture of yourself in second grade.

Fine fine...

he does look a lot like me and so does
the guy at home depot is he my kid too?

Maybe, were you having sex
with his mother...

at the time that he was conceived?

Because that's how it happens Greg.

Fine.

Let's just assume you're right

stop, stop woshing.

If you're right, explain why Stephanie
never contacted me?

Until yesterday.

Then why didn't she say anything?

Because it's hard, Greg.

You don't just show up in someone's life
after eight years and go; Here's your kid.

No, I guess not.

Isn't it possible that maybe
she's introducing him...

into your life and she'll
tell you in her own time.

I suppose that's possible.

There's nothing to be scared of honey.

If Jeremy is your son,
I'm totally okay with it.

-Really?
-Of course.

Let me see the picture again.

OK, how about this?

What if Stephanie was so hung
up on me when we broke up...

that she immediately got involved...

with someone who looked just like me,
and they had a kid?

Greg, listen to yourself.

Yeah you're right.

Oh my god.

I might have a son.

Yeah.

Dharma, I...

I don't know if I'm ready for this.

You're not alone honey, we're a team.

We'll do this together.

Thank you.

Like for instance, I could be the one
who tells Kitty she's a grandma.

That'd be a big help.

Man, how's the gazebo coming?

I, I have no idea.
I wasn't looking.

Looks like he's doing a pretty good job.

Edward...

I was curious about your earlier comment.

What comment?

About Larry, and his...

his...

his tally whacker.

Yes.

How do you know?

Well, he went golfing with us that one
time, and we took a steam...

his people call it schvitz.

Isn't that colorful?

And you saw his schwitz?

No uh...

Schvitz is a steam...

the word you're looking for is...

Hi guys.

What do you think?

Starting to come along, huh?

I wouldn't know I wasn't looking.

Man, it's like a Schvitz out there.

Mind if I take a dip in your pool.

I don't see why not.

I'll see if I've got some trunks
that'll fit you.

Thanks Ed. That's mighty big here.

-Ok, if I make myself a sandwich?
-Certainly help yourself.

-I hope I have enough meat for this.
-What?

I'm joking.

Look at the size of this salami.

Want some? There's more
than enough here for you.

Hey, how's that recommendation coming?
I'm almost done.

I want to get it right,
I wasn't around for seven years.

The least I can do is help him
get into a good school.

Is that the school you went to?
Yep Brookside Academy.

Oh my god.
What's wrong?

This is so sad.
What?

Look! These little boys
have to wear uniforms...

as if they're in some kind of
miniature army.

What uniforms?
Those are nice blue blazers.

Okay miniature navy.

Oh my god.

Look at this.

They're eating lunch on metal trays like
they're some kind of miniature prison.

That's the dining hall,
it was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.

And what kind of school makes
little kids fight each other for sports?

That's Greco-Roman wrestling, it's Gym.

-This is gym?
-Yeah.

Where's the skipping and noodle tag,
and hey I bet I can fit in there?

Well maybe it's not
as Lucy Goosey as being home.

And Lucy Goosey, did you play lucy goosey?

No. But Dharma, trust me, this is
the best college prep on the west coast.

Forget college prep for a minute.

Did you have any fun while you were there?

It's school, it's not supposed to be fun.

And you really want to send your son
to this joyless place.

Yeah.

You know, maybe it's a little regimented.

Greg,
you don't have to sit on a hard chair...

and a wool blazer to get an education.

I learned about American history
by living on an Indian reservation...

I climbed trees to learn about
bugs and birds and gravity, and first aid.

Dharma this school offers
everything look...

look a first-class language lab.

You'll learn it quicker when your parents
just drop you off in Chinatown.

Oh come on.

Would you rather learn about
thermodynamics from a book...

or by going on a hot-air balloon trip
with your folks to Mexico.

That's how you
learned about thermodynamics?

And geography.

And wind currents we
were sh**ting for Canada.

I'm not saying that Jeremy
should be homeschooled, but...

but don't you want him
to be in a more nurturing environment.

Oh my God!

What are they doing here? Learning
how to b*at each other with sticks?

That's lacrosse, it's a game.
Listen to you, it's a game.

Okay we'll see you at three.

Hey good news.

Your dad's gonna fly down
for your interview tomorrow.

Dad?
Yeah.

Cool.

What a surprise?

I hope this isn't a bad time.

No, no. Come on in.
I just got to make a quick call...

to my office and
I'll be right with you...

Jeremy!

Look, who's here.
Hey Mr Montgomery.

Hey Jeremy.

What you listening to?
A story in French.

Great I studied French.

Your mom said...

what?

I thought I needed this for school.

Oh you might.

Is it fun?

I don't think it's supposed to be fun.

Yeah I don't even
think french people like it.

You know Jeremy...

I went to the school that you might
be going to and I got to tell you...

it's not a lot of fun either...

really? No.

So if you want maybe I can talk
to your mom about some other schools.

Jeremy,
why don't you go finish your homework.

Ma, Mr Montgomery said that...

I heard what he said.
Go finish your homework.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Well, I've been thinking
about it and I'm just not sure...

that Brookside is the best place
for Jeremy.

What?

I just think we
should consider all the options...

before we make a decision that's going
to affect him for the rest of his life.

We should consider the options?

Yes.

I haven't seen you in eight years...

I call you for
a letter of recommendation...

and all of a sudden you want
to participate in jeremy's upbringing?

I'm just trying to be a part
of the boy's life.

What? I don't recall asking you
to be a part of his life.

You will in in your own time.

You know what Greg...

I think that you should just leave now.

Okay, well that's your prerogative.

Yes it is.

You know, my mother made me
study French when I was little...

and now I can't even order soup.

Mercy!

Hi kitty.

Oh Abby! Hello.

It's not too big is it?
What?

The gazebo.
Oh the gazebo, yes.

No.

Listen, I'm sorry to bother you...

but Larry forgot to take his
herbs this morning so I brought him by.

Hey how's it hanging?

Hey baby.
Hi.

Be careful, you could hurt somebody
with that thing.

Sorry.

How's the gazebo coming? Pretty good.

I think I got too much wood though.

We can always use that at home.

Unless kitty wants it.
No no.

Okay, well. Back to the grind. Okay.

Don't forget your herbs. I won't.

See you later.

Abby!
Yeah.

Um could I ask you a personal question.

Sure.
I... was... never mind.

It's not important.
It's about Larry's penis?

Oh no I wasn't.
Yeah I saw you looking at it kitty.

Would you like
to see it cause he's not shy Larry.

Hey what's up?

Nothing, just teaching Kitty some manners.

While you're at it...

maybe you could
get her to stop staring at my penis.

Mom is my type straight?

Yes honey you look great.

Is my tie straight?
It's fine honey.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Well I...

feel badly about how we
left things the other night.

And I never got to give you
the recommendation, So here.

Thank you.

Stephanie...

I just want you to know
that if you change your mind...

and decide that you want
Greg to be part of Jeremy's life...

that I support that and I'm
completely comfortable with that.

Jeremy I'll be right back.

Listen, I don't know
what you two are up to...

and frankly I don't care.
I'm sorry I ever called you.

You know Stephanieو
I do have some rights here.

To tell you the truth, I think
you're handling this rather poorly.

Oh, really?

You want to know
what I think I think you're both nuts.

Hey now we have
been very patient with you.

-Daddy!
-Hey champ.

Sorry I'm late.

My tie straight? You look great dad.

Who?

My ex-husband; Jeremy's father.

Gotta go.

Good luck with everything.

You'll love it here the dining hall
was designed by Frank Wright.

Yes, it's beautiful, bye.

I'm Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Where's your cell phone?

In my briefcase.

Okay you wait here.

This is booty central.

Press one if your booty is hot...

press two if you want hot botty.

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

Dad, stop pushing the button.