04x03 - Playing the Field

[bunniefuu]

OK, everyone.

Everyone!

Remember if you're the
batter in the on deck circle...

and the person before you strikes out.

It is your responsibility
to see that that person gets a hug.

Hey, I'm glad you made it.

Everybody Greg's gonna fill
in for Abby till the baby's born.

-Sorry I'm late.
-It's OK.

Greg, you remember everybody from work.

-Marcie from the juice bar.
-Marcie.

Dale teaches channeling aggression
and cooking for one.

Susan our first baseman teaches beginners
acupuncture...

and she just finished a
two-year relationship...

so she's looking for
a casual sexual thing.

Keep your eyes open.

And Claire our center fielder
has six kids, her oldest is in the navy.

Well, it's either that or due time.

-There's a cry for help, Claire.
-He takes after his rap bastard father.

At least he knew his father.

I think the other team
is ready to go, so why don't I just...

I'll meet everybody while we play.

Good idea!
Let's play some softball, everybody.

Let's kick some butt.

What?

Honey some of the g*ng aren't comfortable
with that kind of aggression.

I Just meant that we should you know...

try our best to win.

Come on, what's wrong with that?

That's okay.

Steroid!

That's it honey
easy out no batter no batter!

Time!

Greg, she can hear you she's right there.

It's just a little chatter.

A little chatter is, "hey, nice hat.
Looking good. How you been?"

that's the chatter what
you're saying is mean.

OK.

OK, two outs place it first.

Hey batter looking good
nice hat how you been?

For heaven's sakes.

Celia, did you tell Mr Montgomery
that dinner was at : ?

Yes, Mrs Montgomery.

Did you ask him to repeat it back to you?

He's not like that, Mrs Montgomery.

Maybe he got lost.

Driving home?

That happens to my dad all the time.

One time he went out for Häagen-Dazs...

we found him two days later
on a Portuguese fishing boat...

made friends he has to this day.

Well we'll give him a
few more minutes before we...

run down to the docks.

Is there anybody on your team
who wasn't there today, who can...

I don't know, hit or catch...

-or throw?
-Not really, why?

No reason I was just playing around
with some ideas for a batting order.

Now who is was the big
bald guy in the leather vest...

who came to pick up Ernie after the game?

I was Lester but he
prefers to be called miss Ross.

Probably a long sh*t.

This is just ridiculous where could he be?

You know it's pretty windy out there.
Does he keep a kite in his trunk?

All right we'll just have dinner
without him, come along.

Mrs Dharma.

I know where Mr Montgomery is,
but you mustn't tell anyone.

-OK.
-He's having a flink.

What's a flink?

A thing with a woman.

Winky.

Oh how do you know?

I clean his clothes, I empty his pockets.
A woman knows these things.

-Have you said anything to kitty?
-No.

If Mrs Montgomery finds out she'll
kick him out and then I'm alone with her.

Mrs Dharma, you must do something
about it. What can I do, Celia?

Remind Mr Montgomery someone
here is going to get hurt.

But don't mention me by name.

Sure you're not overreacting?
Maybe there's another explanation.

♪ You made me love you, ♪
♪ I didn't wanna do it.

♪ I didn't wanna... ♪

Hi girls.

♪ You made me love you, ♪
♪ and all the time you knew it, ♪

♪ it I guess you always knew it. ♪

Oh he's definitely flinking somebody.

-Hi Marcie.
-Hey Greg.

-Is Dharma around?
-No, she had to run an errand, I'm sorry.

-It's OK.
-I should have stopped her, I'm sorry.

-I didn't know I was coming.
-I know, I'm sorry.

Why don't I just leave these
with you? There's some...

books I have on baseball fundamentals
that might help the team, if you know...

anybody's...

interested.

Thank you.

I thought you might get
some more enjoyment out of...

the game if you got some of the
basics down.

We get a lot of enjoyment out of the game.

I saw.

I don't mean to be critical Marcie, but...

I got to tell you there's a real thrill...

in turning a double play or...

making a diving catch to win the
inning or to bat down by a run.

It's all up to you.

Here comes the pitch it looks
good.

You swing you feel the sharp...

cr*ck of the bat hitting the ball...

you charge down the first base line.

Is it out of here? You don't know.
So you run like hell.

And all you can hear is the pounding
of your heart as you round the bases.

Here comes the throw from center field...

you dive head first into home plate...

safe!

And next thing you know you're being
held in the air by your teammate.

For once in your life you're
not a social reject hiding...

behind some wishy-washy.
Everybody's a winner crap.

You're the winner
and they're the losers and you love it.

It's all in the books.

Except for the social reject wishy-washy
I remarked.

I'm sorry about that.

No, no we're sorry.

I gotta go.

-Do you need a hug?
-No, I'm good thanks.

I'm gonna give him a hug.

Edward, I guess you're probably
wondering why I asked to see you.

Are you and Greg having problems?

No.

Does he know you've
started drinking in the middle of the day?

Cranberry juice.

Well, he can't
get too buzzed off about that, can he?

Edward, someone told me something...

about someone that may or may not be true.

All right give me a minute,
I'm good at these things.

No I'm gonna have to have more.

If it is true I want that person to know
that I'm there for him or her or them.

And I won't criticize or judge.

On the other hand if...

it isn't true I'm still there for them,
even though...

there won't really be anything
for me to be there for.

Did you know that a Martini made with
an onion instead of an olive is a Gibson.

Come on Ed,
you know what I'm talking about?

If you say so.

But listen, I hate to drink and run but...

I'm meeting my lady friend.

What?
Do me a favour...

don't say anything
about it to Kitty.

If she finds out she'll put the kibosh on
the whole thing...

and there'll go all my fun.

Can I trade this in for a Gibson, please.

What are you doing on Sunday?

Why?

I got roped into playing
on Dharma's softball team we...

got a big game I was hoping I could
drag in as a ringer.

-Dharma's team?
-Yeah, I know.

I know what you're thinking it
sounds flaky but it's in a real league.

-What are you playing?
-The defending champions.

Which would be?

David's enchanted garden.

David's enchanted garden.

It's a flower shop
and they're nine and one.

I'd really like to help you out man, but
I got a big touch football game on Sunday.

We're playing the road
company at kiss me kit.

-Hey guys.
-Hi.

-This is a nice surprise
-Yes, I was nearby.

-How come?
-That's the thing.

-And I don't know if I should tell you.
-Tell me what?

OK, the person I was just with
told me something very personal.

Now he or she didn't specifically
say that I shouldn't tell you...

but if I tell you...

then the person who said
I shouldn't talk to about the thing,

that I went to talk to him or her about...

is probably someone you would feel
you would have to talk to...

because it affects him or her.

By him or her I mean the other person.

-Boy that's a toughie.
-Tell me about it.

So...

Do you want to tell me or not?

Well that's the other part of it.

It's possible that the personal thing this
person told me about...

is none of my business.

And as a matter of fact it's more
your business than my business.

But it's not in my business to
decide if something's your business...

cause it's really their business.

Who's business?

He or she.

And him or her plus the other one.

I don't know about the other one.
And I don't think you should.

Then don't tell me.
OK, bye.

See you Pete.
See ya.

Man.

If Jane and I could
communicate the way you two do...

we'd still be married.

I had no idea what she was talking about.

Yeah but she didn't throw a pot of
hot beans on you.

Yep she's a keeper.

Hello Dharma. Is this a bad time?

Not yet what's up?

Dharma, there's something
I need to talk to you about.

I wish I could Kitty...

but I got get over to the field and help
Greg warm up the sheep.

I beg your pardon.

Our softball team, Greg thought
we should have a cool name like...

the panthers or the hawks...

and there's a series of compromises
and anyway we're the sheep.

Sit down, Dharma.

OK.

I asked Edward where he was the other
night and he insists that he was with you.

Yeah, he was. We had drinks.

He said it was dinner.

He was out quite late.

Well it started out as drinks...

and then I said I'm getting a
little hungry and he said he was too.

So we asked for a table,
and there was one and we sat down at it...

and they brought us menus and we
chose things to eat,

and they brought them,
and they were very tasty hot at first...

so we had to let it cool down
and then we ate it...

and then we said
it's getting a little late...

and he agreed and,
and then I said see you later alligator...

and he said in a while crocodile then we
made like a tree and leaved.

Zoe is seeing another one oh yeah.

Well I'm not surprised.

Edward's a very...

handsome powerful man this sort
of thing was bound to happen eventually.

Are you saying you're okay with this.

Oh, Dharma.

These sort of dalliances
are fleeting, and...

and frankly...

I need some free time to
myself I'm redoing the upstairs.

Wow I was cheated on once...

and it made me feel like
my whole world was crashing in on me.

And it wasn't even that serious
of a relationship,

because I knew he is
leaving eventually...

when cirque du soleil went to Seattle.

Well my world is certainly not collapsing.

Well that's amazing.

Because I was a wreck.

This was only a two-month thing...

you and Edward have been
together for years.

- years.
- years.

I just don't understand why.

I mean we have our problems but
we've been getting along so well lately.

That's good, let it out.

All these years...

I've stood behind him
in the good times in the in the bad times.

I bought him a son.
You bore him a son.

I tolerated a horrible mother-in-law
do you have any idea what that's like.

I can imagine it.

Oh.
What's done is done it's time to move up.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going
to take him for everything he's with.

The cars the houses.

I'm going to call the lawyers
have all the assets put in my name.

-he's going to pay for this.
-Kitty, calm down.

Don't you think you should go to Edward,
and let him know how you feel.

You're right I should let him
know how I feel.

-Give me the bat.
-Don't worry.

I have enough money
to get away with one m*rder.

Give me the bat.

Fine I'll just...

run them over with the car.

Hey how about I drive.

Strike one.

I'm sorry sir.

OK,
wait for your pitch if it looks good...

-take a poke at it.
-Ok.

Strike two. I'm sorry. Time.

Listen to me here's what I want you to do.

The next time that ball comes...

I want you to focus all the
anger you have deep inside on that ball.

Oh my.

That ball is everyone who ever
put you down,

everyone who
ever ignored you or called you a name...

every boy who didn't
ask you out in high school.

I was on the prom committee,
and I didn't even get to go.

Yeah use that, get mad.

Oh the theme was under the sea and
I was drowning in loneliness.

And you were really angry at these people,
right?

No, no it wasn't their fault, it was mine.
I was very shy.

I'm gonna need another minute.

So this is where she lives.

An apartment.

I should have known.

Too bad you didn't cause then we wouldn't
have had to make Celia cry the way we did.

Oh please that wasn't real crying.

Trust me I've made her cry.

-Come on.
-Hold on a second.

What exactly are you hoping
to accomplish here?

I want to make Edward
rue the day that he was born.

To regret each and every god-forsaken
moment he has spent on this planet.

And to pray for the swift relief of death.

I guess we'd better feed the meter then.

Hey Greg oh Larry.

Thanks for coming.

I need all the help I can get.
I'm here to play. All right.

Honey you wearing your cup?

Abby, it's softball,
I don't have to wear the cup.

Oh Larry
you promise no one else is wearing one.

I don't believe that. Greg, are you
doing anything to protect your genitals.

Just try to be careful.

Susan, Larry's gonna
bat for you.

Why? Well, he's our ringer.

What do you know about baseball?

Are you kidding me I grew up in new York.

I lived,
and breathed baseball when I was a kid.

Stick bar on the
street sand-lot little league.

And when school was out...

my old man would take me to Ebbet's
field to see the Brooklyn dodgers.

Jackie Robinson, Pewee Reese...

duke Snyder.

Then when the dodgers left
for los Angeles I was crushed.

I was betrayed.

And I swore...

I would never have anything else to
do with baseball, for the rest of my life.

Come on Abby we're out of here.

I swear if I find the two of them in bed
together...

remember you just get the one m*rder.

This is it.
Wait.

You sure you want to
see what's on the other side of that door?

because once you open it
there's no turning back.

I need to know.

B ...

Edward?

Kitty.

It's not what you think.

That's certainly not what I thought.

I .

I .

-Edward, What on earth...
-Hold on, hold on kitty.

I think that did it for me, I ; Bingo.

You're on fire Eddie.
Thanks.

Uh cash this in for me will you?

Uh if I have a
choice I want the little radio.

-Is that your lady friend.
-Yep.

That's ruby.

But what I don't understand
what are you doing here?

Oh who knows how these things start kitty.

It was raining one day I ducked
under an awning and there was ruby.

We get to talking about life and
how much we both like soup.

And then um she mentions that
she just lost her bridge partner and...

next thing you know
is canasta on Tuesday,

Bingo on Sunday, and once a month
we have Monte Carlo nights.

For heaven's sakes Edward...

if you want to sit and play card games
with boring old people...

we have a country club full of them.

Well, I kind of prefer it here.

Everybody's very quiet and...

nice
and uh they have sponge cake.

Please let's go.

Oh kitty that's not the answer.

If this is something Edward enjoys don't
you think you should share it with him.

Oh no Dharma
that's uh that's not necessary.

Eddie.

They don't have the radio.

Do you want the salt shakers or the
travel toiletry kit?

Now let's have a look.

You see Kitty,
if you drag him away from here...

he's just gonna go looking
for what he needs some place else.

And maybe it won't be Bingo with Ruby.

Maybe it'll be Mah-jong with Sylvia...

or some dark church basement
quilting with Mildred.

And you'll be the one with
the needle in his hand.

-This is ridiculous.
-Is it?

Oh you're all right.

Edward...

if you have some...

inexplicable passion for the inane,

I should be able to sit
beside you and endure it.

Oh there's the kibosh.

-Sorry I'm late.
-Where have you been?

You'll find out.

What I miss?

Two and a half hours of misery.

What's up with you guys?
What happened to that sheep spirit?

I'll tell you what happened.

We're getting our
butts handed to us in a paper sack.

We always got our butts
handed to us in a paper sack.

Yeah but thanks to Charlie Hustle here,
now we feel bad about it.

Come on Sheep, it's only to nothing.

There's still a lot
of baseball left to play.

Right Greg?

-Not really Marcie.
-I'm so sorry.

Honey you want to go in there
and get the last out for us...

then come back and help
the g*ng burn me an effigy.

I'd be honoured.

Okay let's hear a little chatter.

Bite me.

It's enough chatter.

Strike one.

Strike two.

Run Dharma, run!

Come on!

-Dharma, you're out.
-I don't care.

We don't care.

She's out. We don't care.

We don't care.

We don't care.

We don't care.

She is out.

Apparantly we don't care.

V-

I was thinking of doing one of the
upstairs guest rooms in early American.

Oh not that colonial reproduction
nonsense but vintage pieces.

Oh it'll be a lot of weekends at the
auctions but it'll be worth it in the end.

O- .

O- .

Pay attention Edward you have O- .

I don't know why you bother playing the
game...

if you're not going to pay attention.

Anyway...