04x09 - Boxing Dharma

[bunniefuu]

I'm sorry I'm saving this seat.

Come on, it's crowded in here.
I've had a long day I just want to sit.

No, you don't understand.
See, my husband and I do this thing...

he comes into a bar...

and pretends he doesn't know me
and then he picks me up.

And then what?

He pays you?

No, but that's a good idea.
We'll have to try that.

You know, it's women like you
that make me sick.

- What?
- I'm in a loving relationship.

We have an imaginative sex life.

Yes, so you can see
why the chair is so important to me.

Yeah, I'll tell you what you can do
with this chair.

Who has the imagination now?

Look, I sell women's shoes.

I spend hours a day kissing the asses
of trophy wives like you.

And I'll be damned
if I'm in a pucker up here.

Ok.

I hear what you're saying.

I hear your anger...

and I would just like to suggest
that perhaps your anger is misplaced.

Really?

You think so?

Because I think that
my problem is right here.

No, that's not true.
You need to look inside yourself.

Really?

You don't think that I should look here...

you don't think
that I should look right here?

Stop it, that's not OK.

Well, what's not Ok, Blondie?

This isn't Ok? How about this?
Is this okay?

I think you know the answer to that.

No I don't. Why don't you tell me?

Why don't you tell me what
my problem is, smart girl?

Come on, what's my problem?

- What is my problem?
- Stop it.

Or what or what...?

Hey good looking, you come here often?

Oh my god Greg, I'm a monster.

Ok, I don't know this one, but I like it.

I just hit that woman.

- You did what?
- I'm sorry.

I did it again.

This will make it feel better.

- I don't deserve to feel better.
- Don't be silly.

All right listen,
when my parents get here...

do not tell them my dark dirty secret.

- You didn't do anything wrong.
- I hit someone.

Ok, but again she provoked you...

and she's fine
and no one's pressing charges...

and everybody there acknowledged
that you were just defending yourself.

I raised my hand in v*olence.

I saw, you got a great right hook.

Wait, look on the bright side.
Maybe she learned a lesson.

Maybe next time she'll think twice
before she pushes someone around.

So now I'm the old testament God...

punishing the wicked vengeance
is mine say it the Dharma.

I'm pretty sure I didn't say that.

- Hey, we're here.
- Hi.

Not a word. Or what? You'll hit me?

- Hello!
- Hi!

- Thanks for babysitting.
- No problem.

Here's some breast milk,
two whole bottles.

I woke up this morning so engorged,
I could have put out a house fire.

You guys are all dressed up.
Where you heading?

We're going out to dinner with
some friends of Larry's from work.

Some of the other security guards?

Not hardly, a couple
of corporate monkey muks.

I thought suit wearing drones like that...

were the bleeding canker sores
on the gums of America.

That's what I used to think too.

Turns out they're pretty nice...
and funny.

Guess how many licensing execs
it takes to screw in a light bulb.

How many?

I can't remember exactly...

but it's more than one,
and that's the joke of it.

Dharma...

you Ok?

Of course she is, she's terrific.

Don't lie to them honey,
I'm not terrific, I'm bad, I hit somebody.

Did the plan change?

Dharma, what are you talking about?

It's nothing, there's
a little situation with...

a woman in a bar
and Dharma defended herself.

You raised your hand in v*olence?

Twice, it was a rampage, I ran amok.

It was self-defense,
and she's all worked up about it...

and it would help if you would tell her
that it's not the end of the world.

Yeah well I wish I could, Greg,
but how do you think wars start?

Have you forgotten everything
we've taught you?

Obviously yes.

Come on Larry, you can't tell me that
you've never hit someone in your life.

Not once.

Not when the Chicago cops
were hitting us with sticks...

not when the Mississippi police
turned their fire hoses on us...

not when the
national guard pelted us with tear gas.

Ok, my little brother pulled
the tail off my Davy Crockett hat...

and I b*at the crap out of him...

but that's because without the tail...

it's just a furry armor.

Dharma, you have to go to this woman...

and seek her forgiveness...

and try to restore your karmic balance.

I don't think that's a very good idea.

She was a very unpleasant woman...

and she was a kind enough
not to press charges.

No honey, Abby's right.
I should go make amends to this woman.

What if she won't listen to you?

She will, if she knows
what's good for her.

Hey Larry, we're in line here.

Hi bob!

That was fun last night, huh? Yeah it was.

I wish you would have let
me pay for something.

Then don't worry about it
you get me next time, right?

Or we could go dutch.

Sure.

Hey listen,
I know you're a big Neil young fan...

and I happen to have tickets to see him
in concert next week, only...

I can't go.

These are great, how come you can't go?

Got to work late.

Between you and me...

I think I'm the only person in the
marketing department doing anything.

Really? Does Ed know?

- Ed?
- Ed... Montgomery.

The boss.

- You call him Ed?
- Yeah.

Well, his kid's married to my kid,
so we're kind of a family.

Is that so? I had absolutely no idea.

Yeah, do you want me
to put in a good word for you?

No, I couldn't ask you to do that.

Sure you can, me and Ed are like this.

I mean we're like these two here,
not these bent ones down here.

But you could be like the thumb...

or this finger here.
This finger works through.

Ok, so I understand you are
gonna talk to mr Montgomery?

Sure I'd be happy to do it.

- That is great thanks buddy.
- Ok buddy.

- Have fun at the concert.
- Thanks.

I'll bring the little woman.

Funny stuff.

Anyway, if there's anything
I can do at all...

buy you some sunglasses...

in fact here, just take mine. No, it's Ok.

It was my fault.

It was a bad day,
I had a little too much to drink.

Yeah, you sure did.

- What is that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.

Are you saying I'm an alcoholic?

No, no. Alcoholics go to meetings,
you hit a bar.

So you are saying that I'm a drunk?
I'm just a sloppy old drunk?

No, I didn't say that,
I was just agreeing with you.

I would never judge you.

Ok.

You're all right.

Thanks.

I am so glad I came over here.
You've being so great about this.

You know, I was thinking...

What?

Nothing.

No, what?

Well, where I teach yoga...

there's a guy who runs
an anger management seminar.

- What's your point?
- I have no point.

It just occurred to me and the words
came out of my mouth like, you know...

it's a character flaw I have...

and you should not read anything
into about yourself...

because you are a perfect
beautiful human being.

Who can't control her anger
or her drinking?

No, once again you are putting
words into my mouth.

Look, I just came here
to make peace with you.

I want you to be my friend.

You do, don't you?

Absolutely.

I do have a problem.

I really think I need help.

It's Ok, we all need help sometimes
there's nothing wrong with that.

Who's this?

This woman I told you about from the bar.

The one that hit you.

Hi.

This is my sister Lydia.

What the hell are you doing here?

I just came to apologize to your sister.

Well, I think it's a little late
for that, don't you?

Well, no I don't.

You think you can
just march your bony ass over here...

say you're sorry and everything's
gonna be all right, huh?

I was hoping.

Let me tell you something
about women like you.

Women like you make me sick.

No poking please.

Or what? Huh?

Or what?

I hit her sister.

What?

I was doing fine with the woman
that I hit last night...

then her sister came in
and started poking at me...

and I bopped her right in the snoot.

- Calm down.
- Back off...

there's no telling what I might do.

Do not crowd me Greg, I am a powder keg.

You are not a powder keg.

Do not tell a powder keg that she
is not a powder keg...

right that's one of the main ways
to set off a powder keg.

Chamomile, nice relaxing cup of chamomile.

I think we're out of chamomile.

Oh perfect just perfect.

What am I supposed to drink now? Ginseng?

Why don't I just put
a fuse in my butt and light it.

Why don't you sit down and do...

the breathing meditation thing,
that would be good huh.

I spent my whole life meditating,
look where it got me?

Every time I get mad I meditate
it just bottles it up.

Ok.

So what do you want to do?

I don't know.

Maybe I need to learn
to express my anger, just...

right when it happens just get rid of it.

Are you sure you want to start now?
Why wouldn't I?

We have my parents
tree trimming party time.

Oh man! Why the hell would I want to go
to some snooty boring thing like that?

Yeah, I kind of felt good.

That'll work, let's go trim a tree.

Now I don't want to go.

Hey, you want to go
look for the mistletoe?

Fine with me but we'd have
to go to the home of people who kiss.

Watch your spacing Dharma,
you're clumping.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are dear.

You have to think
of the tree as a whole...

Ok, you're ticking me off here lady...

back off and let me trim the damn tree.

Mother, it's a beautiful tree this year,
is that a Norfolk pine?

It's a Douglas fern, I think your wife
has had quite enough eggnog.

I'll keep my eye on her.
Hey have you lost weight?

Actually, I'm on the pineapple diet.

So anyway I thought you should know...

there's this guy doing
a great job in marketing.

- What's his name?
- I don't know.

Name some people in marketing.

There have to be
people in that department.

Yeah, but how many of them are named bob?

Is the guy's name bob?

Bingo.

What's his last name?
How the hell would I know?

No, you didn't mean to interrupt me...

is a lot different than you
didn't interrupt me capiche?

And there's a guy named Richard...

doing a great job in the department
he's in he's overdue for a promotion.

What department is he in?

I don't know.

Name some departments.

Well, that's quite enough of that.

Larry, what are you doing?

Just trying to help out some of the
boys at the office, great guys.

These are the same guys that
took you out to dinner the other night?

Dinner, concerts, tire shopping.
They're really beautiful people.

Are you sure that they're not
just using you to get to the boss?

That's a pretty rough allegation
you're making about my friends.

I hope you can back it up
with some concrete proof.

That happens all the time in business.

Those bastards.

Why would I lie about how much
eggnog I've had? It's not even that good.

You know who's had too much eggnog, Kitty?

You have.

I don't think this is working.

Basketball tickets?

Let me be clear about something.

Are you giving me these so I'll put in
a good word for you with the boss?

No I mean...

that's up to you.

Ok.

Fill this out; Name, department,
reason why you're sucking up.

Talk to me.

Face time with the boss?

I have to think about that.

And I'd really love to think about it
in one of those fancy ergonomic chairs...

you got up there on the third floor.

Good but don't dawdle,
Ed's face is filling up fast.

Dharma, this is a bad idea.

Honey, I tried expressing
my anger verbally, and it didn't help.

I know but this.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Honey, I am a volcano bubbling
with molten lava...

if I don't find a way to safely vent...

then everyone's gonna
have to leave the island.

Including that old guy
who always thinks he can survive.

What are you talking about?

You know, that old guy
who has lived here all his life...

and he'll be damned if he's leaving now.

- Come on Dharma, let's go.
- Ok.

Honey, put my hat on.

Thanks.

Any last minute tips? Go home.

Teeth thingy.

Wait what.

Ok.

I'm cool.

I think it's rumble.

Live and learn.

Ding us honey. Ding.

What you doing?

Staying out of the reach.

You can do that at home.

Good one.

- Dharma, hit back.
- Ok.

Hey, hang on. Ding!

What?

Tell me that women like me make you sick.

Why? Just do it.

I think it'll help get me in the mood.

Wait.

- Honey.
- Ding.

Women like you make me sick.

You have to say it like I make you sick.

Try again. Women like you make me sick.

Oh better.

Now tell me I'm clumping.

What's clumping.

When you put the Christmas
ornaments too close together...

when the tree gets all lopsided.

- Forget it this is ridiculous.
- What's wrong?

I don't even get why we're doing this.

You got angry and you've punched
out a psycho drunk, so what?

You know what your problem is?

You think you're better
than everyone else.

You think you're perfect. No I do not.

Oh yeah then how come it's such
a big deal that you lost your temper?

Everybody loses their temper.

It's not a big deal.

It's just not something I do.

Because you think you're perfect.

- I do not.
- Really?

Then hit me.

I don't want to. What?

Too perfect? Stop saying that.

You're gonna make me huh?

Dharma, Are you Ok? Wow!

The truth really does hurt.

- Come on, let me help you up.
- I'm not up?

Hey Greg, old buddy.

- How's my favorite son-in-law?
- Fine.

Dharma's taking a nap,
she's had a rough day.

Actually I'm here to see you.

Come on in guys.

Greg, I want you to meet some friends
of mine. This is Bob for marketing.

- How do you do?
- Hi.

- Manny from human resources.
- Hello.

- And Richard from business affairs.
- Hi Richard.

There he is fellas the fruit
of Ed montgomery's loins.

Larry, what's going on?

The famed Montgomery curiosity.

The acorn does not fall far
from the trees, does it?

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Sure.

You guys network, con-fab...

micromanage,
whatever blows your skirts up spill it.

Spill it. Ok, I'm in a tight spot.

I told these guys I could get them
some face time with your father...

but he's not on the same page,
you know face wise.

So what do you want me to do?

Well, nothing really.

Just tell him you're planning
to squeeze out the old man...

and you're looking for a couple
of young Turks to back your play.

I'm not gonna say that.

Would a couple of basketball tickets...

and a hickory farm sampler
change your mind?

No.

What about a fancy chair and
a set of steel belted radials?

No.

I got myself in kind of a situation here.
Yes you have.

Ok.

Well, bye. Larry.

Dharma.

Yo Kitty, kitty.

Listen I really need to tell you this.

I'm not a violent person...

I'm a good person who made a mistake.

It's just I was raised to believe
that any v*olence at all...

is totally unacceptable but that
doesn't take into account our humanity.

I mean we can strive for non-v*olence
but we're imperfect beings...

and we will make mistakes.

But we have to forgive ourselves,
and each other...

for those mistakes.

I'll forgive you as soon as
you finish painting my house.

I undersyand.

Didn't we have the house painted
a couple of months ago?

Yes but she has to learn.

Hey, I'm saving that seat.

Oh please I'm pooped.

Look, I said that seat's taken.

Come on I had a hard day.

It's a jungle out there.

Do you know how many licensing execs
it takes to s*ab you in the back?

All of them baby.

And that's no joke.

Give me a break.

You're a security guard...

you want to hear about a rough day?

You try selling women's shoes.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

It means...

all right, I have had it with you.
Get out of the chair.

No dibs.

- Who's this?
- This is the jerk that took your chair.

Really?

You know guys like you...

make me sick.

We do huh? Yeah.

Ok, well...

bye.