04x12 - Let's Get Fiscal

[bunniefuu]

And as we exhale we allow...

the loving collective consciousness
which is our co-op...

to flow into our hearts making us like
compassionate fish...

swimming in an ocean of understanding.

First order of business is...

we're no longer able to validate parking
for teachers in the lot across the street.

No.

Order! Back in the ocean.

What are we supposed to do.

Park on the street,
or pay for it yourself.

People, we can't afford it.
Look at this bill.

You know, most of that
is Allen's Winnebago.

It take up four spots.

- Yeah, he lives there.
- In the parking lot?

You're kidding, why is he always late?

Well, you know he is a newlywed.

Fine.

Look everybody
we have a real financial problem here.

The phone company is mad at us.

The electric company
is sending us red envelopes.

It might help if you unplug
Alan's Winnebago.

OK, it's a start
but we have a long ways to go.

What what happened
to our emergency fund?

Nine dollars.

That can't be right, we have
all kinds of money in there.

We did but we had some
real emergencies to take care of.

We had to re-functuate
the whole third floor.

Oh yeah.

We adopted an acre of rainforest.

Save the whales,
save the seals, save the harp seals...

and the rest went to the Ralph Nader
for president campaign.

We were so close on that one,
weren't we?

And he was the only candidate
that really fought for the seals.

That's true Marcy...

but that doesn't change
the fact that we have no money.

Maybe not,
but we've got love.

Well...

I could try to pay the phone bill
with love...

but I think it's a felony.

Actually, prostitution is only
a misdemeanor.

Great, that takes care of the phone bill.

Hey Alan.

We'll just leave it for a while,
he's on his honeymoon.

Hey, where you been?

Sometimes I wonder why I stay...

in the holistic co-educational
alternative co-op biz?

You're updating
the counter culture honey?

Brutal.

Ever tried explaining a monthly bill...

to a group of people
who are totally in the moment?

Actually I have.

don't start me.

Yeah, nice to see you, don't get up.

Do you have any idea who uses more
electricity than anyone in the co-op?

The candle making class.

Can you explain that to me? Can you?

- That's a rhetorical question, isn't it?
- What do you think?

I think that's another one.

I'm sorry.

Anything I can do for you?
Make you some tea?

Glass of wine?

No, I'm okay thank you.

- I'm sorry I snapped at you.
- That's Ok.

Tell me about your day.

My law partner...

has filed a slip and fall suit against
a national chain of department stores...

on behalf of our prestigious new
client exotic dancer miss Rosie cheeks.

How many strippers
have you guys represented now?

I don't know.

Pete writes need a lawyer and
our phone number on his tucking money.

- Go Pete.
- I guess.

But I'm the one who has
to walk into the offices of...

Colodney & Greenwald and say...

gentlemen, my client
Miss Rosie cheeks...

may never again
shake her money maker.

Colodney & Greenwald
that's not Toby Colodney, is it?

Tobias yeah, why?
do you know him?

I used to, I mean if it's the same guy...

there's probably
a million Tobias Colodney.

On the odd chance it's the same one,
how do you know him?

- We lived together in Berkeley.
- You're kidding.

If it's the same Tobias Colodney,
the guy I knew was a bass player,

but he made his real money
selling tube socks at flea markets.

Probably not the same guy.

Probably not.

On the other hand if
that middle initial X stands for Xavier...

don't let him kiss you,
he's a real slobber puss.

Thanks for the heads up.

Next.

Hi, I'm Dharma.

I'm the president of the San Francisco
alternative educational co-op,

and someone called this morning to
say they were going to...

turn our electricity off,
we didn't pay the bill right away.

Yeah, that does sound like
something we'd say.

Listen, we're having a little bit of
a money problem right now,

but things are gonna turn around.

Our numerology teacher told us
that we're gonna get some money...

around the th the st or the th.

Some date that adds up to three.

- Are you here to pay your bill?
- Well, let me finish.

And Mrs Flanagan who takes our senior
fitness class just put us in her will.

She has an irregular heartbeat,
bad for her, good for you.

- But you don't have the money now?
- That's what I'm trying to tell you.

We're gonna get it on the th,
the st...

or when old lady Flanagan goes toes up.

Would you like a day
hardship extension?

Would I?

Take this to window .

Thank you, you know...

I put it out in the universe...

that I was going to find someone
like you today, and here you are.

- Thank you so much.
- Next.

I like a -day hardship extension,
please.

Take this to window .
Next.

Mr Montgomery,
Mr Colodney's here to see you.

Thank you Marlene,
tell him we'll be in just a second.

You sure? I already told him
you're not doing anything.

Yes I'm sure.

All right, let me take the lead
with this guy.

I think I've got an angle to play.

Greg, we got a drunk stripper
who got her fanny stuck in an escalator.

If the check's more than a $, I think
the angle we're playing is thank you.

I think we can do a little better.

This guy used to go out with Dharma.

I married Dharma.

I casually bring it up
and it knocks him off his game.

We go in for the k*ll just follow my lead.

Hi, sorry to keep you waiting...

Greg Montgomery, this is
my associate Peter Cavanaugh.

- Nice to meet you.
- Have a seat.

Gentlemen, I don't want to take up
too much of your valuable time.

My client has great sympathy for Miss...

Cheeks.

Rosy Cheeks and she prefers Miz.

I got this, Pete.

Anyway, to make this thing
go away I’m authorized...

to give you a check right now
for ten thousand dollars.

Pete! There's no reason
to be sarcastic.

This gentleman is
a guest in our office.

Thank you very much it's a very...

interesting initial offer
but I don't think it begins...

to cover the pain and suffering
our client is incurred.

- She may never lap-dance again.
- Thank you, Pete.

She was really good.

No one questions her talent.

Gentlemen we thought this offer
was more than fair.

I'm sure you did, but why don't
we just take a moment to...

go over her medical bills one more time.

By the way Dharma Finkelstein
says hello.

- You know Dharma Finkelstein?
- I suppose you could say I do.

And what a piece of work she was.

Sorry?

Well, I just I don't know
how well you know her.

Watch your step, OK?
She's pretty out there.

- Out there, huh?
- Oh yeah.

Which is OK when you're trying to start
a band, and you're selling tube socks.

But when you finally decide
you want to make something yourself...

you're gonna be shacking up
with the freaky chick...

with the yoga and the incense
and the Mona Lisa beaded curtain.

You know what I'm saying?

I guess.

Listen, I got a flying lesson at two...

I'm gonna do you guys a favor, OK.

I'm not gonna tell my client
that you rejected his offer...

because he's just gonna
withdraw it, all right?

So I'll give you a couple days
you give me a call...

- we'll make this thing happen.
- Ok, thanks.

And if you see Dharma again tell her...

I said hi, but don't give her my number.

You are the master.

I am but a humble student
learning at your feet.

Not now, Pete.

You tell me when...

we're opening our money chakra.

Not to bring in money but to be open...

to money that is seeking a home.

Hey honey, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm measuring the closet.

Don't worry, it only looks like
it's changing size.

Why are you measuring the closet.

I'm getting rid of this Mona Lisa thing
and I'm getting closet doors.

Oh wow that's really going
to block the energy of this room.

We'll just have to live with that,
won't we?

- I thought you liked the Mona Lisa.
- Yeah...

and when I was I liked Kiss.

People grow up Dhrama,
they get doors.

You know what hurt Kiss?
The guy with the scary tongue.

The band actually had something to say.

Something bothering you?

Yes, it bothers me that
we don't have closet doors.

You know, why don't we finish this
a little bit later.

No, that's important, and that's
how you solve financial problems.

You don't seek advice
from professionals...

you go like this in front of your belly...

that's why the pips are the
richest people on the Planet.

Now the pips had something to say.

But Gladys always said it first.

I have to say these are the prettiest
financial records I've ever seen.

Thanks, our calligraphy teacher
does our bookkeeping.

- You might want to try an accountant.
- Okay, what else?

For one thing half your teachers
don't make enough...

to cover the cost of their room...

you've got to get rid of them.

- Get rid of them?
- Dump them.

If someone isn't fulfilling
its function...

you've got to put them out to pasture
and find a fella who can get the job done.

Edward, I don't want to be
disturbed for the next hour.

Sven is here for my massage.

Enjoy.

Most of the teachers
have been there for years...

I can't think of one that I would let go of.

No, you don't just fire one...

you get rid of a whole bunch
so they can console each other.

Come on, I'll show you how
the big boys swing the axe.

Shouldn't you tell Kitty
you're leaving?

She won't notice.

Those massages can go on
all afternoon. Poor fella.

- Put that down.
- Can we get one of these?

Just put it down.

- Man, that guy really got to you.
- He did not get to me.

Yeah, I was there,
I saw him not get to you.

Listen, this guy's gonna walk in here
with a check.

Here's a crazy idea, let's take it.

That's what I intend to do.

Thanks for coming down guys.

First of all, Greg, I'd like to apologize...

for some of the things
that I said in your office.

I didn't know you married
Dharma finkelstein.

Yeah I did.

Well I was way out of line.

She's a great gal and considering
the kind of career you chose I...

think that she's
the perfect partner for you.

What does that mean.

It's not important, Greg.

We decided we were gonna
accept your offer.

I thought you might.

All right thanks, bye.
Pete hang on

what exactly did you mean
by the the career I've chosen?

I didn't mean to offend you I think
you got a great thing going.

You handle a couple of slip and falls,
make the nut for your little office

and you got time
to stop and smell the roses.

Smell the roses.

Watch the sunset.

Man, I wish I could get off
the fast track like you did.

See you in court.

No!
Come on Pete.

You said we were gonna take the money.

And I could have gotten
the boot off my car.

All right everybody...

here's our self-esteem homework
for tonight.

Hi nick.
Hey Dharma.

Be right with you.

Let's each go out to a nice restaurant,
and confidently say...

table for one, please.

Or better yet...

party of one.

Okay
we'll see you next week everybody.

Hey Dharma.

Hey nick, this is
my father-in-law, Ed Montgomery.

Wow, it's fantastic to meet you.

You might want to wait on that.

What can I do for you
without neglecting myself?

This is hard for you?

It's your self-esteem workshop hasn't
been attracting a lot of people lately.

I know, isn't that great?

It gives me a lot more one-on-one time
with my students.

Can I do this? I'd really get
a kick out of it.

No, I'm the president of the co-op
it's my responsibility.

Hey Dharma...

what's tugging the ends
of that smile down?

Well nick,
it's just there are costs...

and this is a very hard time
and this is a big room.

I've got something in my pocket
it belongs across my face.

I keep it very close to me
in a most convenient place.

Stop singing.

I know you couldn't guess it
if you guessed a long while.

So I'll take it out and put it on...

it's a great big happy smile.
Get out.

What?
Your class is canceled.

Canceled? Yes, it's a dog
we're losing money you're out of here.

What am I gonna do?
I don't know.

You're a great guy
with tons of self-esteem...

I'm sure you can find a job anywhere.

Except here as I already mentioned.

Why don't you take yourself out
for a nice dinner...

and figure it out.

Good morning Claire.
Not for nick.

No I guess not.

Or Jasmine, Doug...

Samantha.
I had to make some really hard choices.

You think everybody hates me?

No not everybody.
Thank you.

Claire, no more free drinks
for the teachers, it's a dollar.

Okay.

Now everybody hates you.

Nick I'm really sorry.

It's okay.

I think this is gonna turn out
to be a great opportunity for me.

He's gonna be fine, right?

You heard him, you did him a favor.

Every day is Christmas for you
out of work.

Come on Susan, I'm doing this
for the good of the co-op.

You understand that.

What happened to me if I don't.

Ok, I did your dirty work. I pulled the
plug on Alan and the winnebago's gone.

Thank you Marcy.

And one more thing, my birthday's
in eight months and six days...

and I'm having a party
and you're not invited I'm sorry.

I understand.

OK, you can come
but I'm I'm very mad at you.

Pete, this evidence file is a mess.

What happened to the pictures
of your stripper before she was injured?

They're at my apartment.
Why?

That's kind of a personal question.

Go get the pictures.
Okay.

Hey.
Hey Dharma.

Hi honey.
Hi.

Is this a bad time?

A little, what's up?

Everybody the co-op hates me.

I feel like a tobacco farmer
and a seal skin coat.

Sorry.

Big case?
Not really, it's Pete stripper.

By the way there is only one
to buy a sex galadney.

Yeah I kind of figured.

Does it bother you?
No, not at all.

You sure?
Yeah.

Just I got to tell you the guy's a real jerk.

Toby really?

Yeah, he didn't have
the nicest things to say about you.

What did he say?

Well he implied that you...

kind of held him back
from being the big success he is today.

What? That's ridiculous.
Yeah.

I mean, in his defense he was selling
tube socks when you were together...

and now he's got a big office.
In the Transamerica building.

Yippee for Toby.

Is there something else
on your mind here?

No.

I mean it kind of makes you wonder.
About what?

About whether I'm holding you back?
I didn't say that.

Yes you did,
you think I'm holding you back.

Well you're not exactly
pushing me forward.

And I never will.
You don't have to tell me that.

Look Greg, if you want
to make more money...

or be more successful, that's great.

But that's not what I'm in this for.

I love you, and frankly I don't care
if you ever make a dime.

Good cause we're there.

All right, you know what...

if you think I'm standing
in the way of your happiness...

then maybe I should just
get out of your way.

- Once again I didn't say
- No, I did.

Take it over...

because I can't pretend
to be someone I'm not...

not with you, and not with anyone.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go back to work...

and fix what I just broke.

If you want to fix what you just broke...

let me know.

Ok, so here's my proposal.

We bring everybody back...

kind of like a karmic olly olly oxen free.

We do our best and if we're lucky...

we stay in business two...
three months max.

What about the free drinks
and parking for the teachers?

Yeah.

That brings us down to about six weeks.

What do you think?
Sounds good. I like it.

All right let's have a party on the house.

What you doing is so great.

Can I talk to you for a second?
Sure, I'll be right back.

What's the party about?

We just signed our own death waring
but we get free parking.

Well, we can come back to that.

Listen, I owe you a huge apology.

You mean from before when
you're being a complete jackass?

Yes.

I saw this Tobias guy living the life
that I thought I wanted and I just...

I panicked.

Greg, I'll say this again.

I will support you in any life
that you want to live.

I know...

and that's what's scary
because it's a lot harder to...

create your own path
and to follow one that's been...

laid out for you.

So?
So you could have told me that going in.

You know when somebody says
follow your bliss...

it sounds like it's gonna be a lot of fun.

Yeah that's how we hook ya.

It's kind of like the army
and be all you can be.

Anyway I guess what I should say
is thank you.

You're welcome.

Here she is.

What's happening?

Don't worry it's just a group hug.

Just go with it it's worse if
you struggle.

Hey, how'd it go in court?
Fine.

Not good bad we lost.

Poor Rosie.
Nice to see you, don't get up.

No...

Rosie is fine,
I wrote her a big personal check...

to make up for the fact
that her lawyer is an idiot.

That was very sweet of you.

Do you think she's cached it yet?
Why?

It's just things are going
to be a little tight for a while.

How come?

I've floated the co-op
on a loan from your dad...

and we have to pay him
bucks a month plus interest.

He's a good businessman,
he doesn't let his feelings get in the way.

- I'll talk to my mom.
- Thanks.