04x13 - Educating Dharma (Part I)

[bunniefuu]

From the moment the story broke...

it appeared that Nixon would
have to resign.

Nevertheless,
it isn't until August of ...

that he finally leaves the white house.

Yes.

Excuse me. It's Dharma Montgomery
I'm subbing for Donald Ridgely.

Who by the way is feeling better, it
turns out it wasn't strep throat at all...

it was an allergic reaction to pistachios.

But he's still a little flamy,

so I told him he should just
stay home and get some rest.

Did you have a particular question?

Yes, it's just about the Nixon thing,
so that I'm clear.

When you say left the white house in ...

you mean officially, right?
Because he secretly ran the country...

through using Gerald Ford
as his puppet.

Because of the secret bargain
struck by the Warren commission.

What?

Nixon doesn't contest
his loss to Kennedy in .

Then conspires with the Cubans...

and you know who to do,
you know what, you know where.

And Gerald Ford
on the warren commission...

covers the whole thing up in exchange
Nixon promises for the presidency.

But you're probably going to
cover all this in your lecture...

so I'll just shut up.

-Where did you learn this?
-I was home-schooled.

My dad spent a lot
of time on American history.

Especially Nixon, I mean
he knows everything about Nixon.

Even why his daughter Julie had
to marry the Eisenhower kid.

So it wasn't true love?

Nope, it was a breeding program.

You know, eugenics. But it'll all be my
dad's book the boys of your Belinda.

I'm sorry you're the teacher, go on.


well, I don't really do criminal law,
but I guess I can...

drive over there and talk to the kid.
Thank you Gregory.

He's a good boy and the Gulx's,
we've known them for years.

Don't be afraid to bill them...

bob Gullickson has a summer home
for every tooth in my head.

Excuse me, is Gullickson, S-E-N or S-O-N?

S-E-N. Thank you.

Dharma,
must you do that at the dinner table?

-You said it was Ok.
-I certainly did not.

I'm sorry Kitty but you did.

Kitty: Now what is she doing?

Greg: She's taking notes for a
friend in college, she's practising.

Kitty: For heaven's sake.

Dharma: Would you like me to stop?

Kitty: I'd rather you do that than dance
the Can-Can on the dining room table.

Edward: I forget,
am I lactose intolerant?

Then we all might look for his pills.

Fine, take notes. Now, where was I?

Kitty: The Gullickson
boy needs a good lawyer.

Greg: I don't really do criminal law,

but I guess I can drive down there
and talk to the kid.

Well, who's ready for some aspirin?

Come on, somebody anything.

Dharma: Oh come on...

Brandon, hi, Greg Montgomery,
we spoke on the phone.

- How you doing?
- How am I doing?

Police came to my dorm,
my dad's gonna k*ll me.

Relax, I think I can make this
all go away.

Really?

Spray-painted a little graffiti on the
front window of the Jenny Craig store...

I'm sure if you...

- Clean it up and apologize.
-I didn't really do anything I just drove.

Trevor and Jason were the ones
who painted the big pig.

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I'm sure everybody understands
it was just a harmless prank.

Good.

Well, Mr Gullickson,
I see you have an attorney.

Greg Montgomery.

I'm chief Anderson,
this is Rolling Ball the tom prosecutor.

- Ball.
- Mr Montgomery.

Brandon, why don't you
wait outside in the hall?

And think about what you've done.

Gentlemen, we were all teenagers once.

He's a good kid who fell in
with a bad crowd.

This is more than just vandalism,
Mr Montgomery.

- This sort of thing hurts people.
- I understand.

There are folks in this town
for whom wait is a daily struggle.

- I can see that.
- What's that supposed to mean?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Your dad sent down a lawyer?
- Yep.

- How is he?
- Dumber than the last one.

Are you positive Dharma didn't
tell you what she's upset about?

No, I'm not positive.

How can you be positive
about something like that?

Would you like sugar? No, thank you.

Would you like some cream? No, I'm fine.

Would you like to explain to me
why you filled my head with crap?

What are you talking about?

The last Apollo mission
did not secretly...

bury the minutes of missing
White house audio tape on the moon.

They brought a lot of golf balls up there,
and they only hit one.

Dharma, what is this all about?

I sat in on a college history class today,
and I was totally humiliated.

Everything you taught me was wrong.

Have you had any problems
with chemistry...

biology, literature,
the stuff I taught you?

No, that all seems to be fine. OK.

I'm sorry I'm interrupting,
you were saying something to your father.

I'm just upset.

And what if I decided to go to college?
I'd be totally unprepared.

Honey, are you thinking
of going to college?

I don't know, maybe. Guess I am.

Honey I think that's wonderful.

Hey, don't pressure her.

College is always gonna be there,
take some time for yourself.

- Backpack around Europe working...
- I did that Larry I'm .

OK, that's what this is about.

Why didn't you remind me?

Honey I'm sorry.

Happy birthday.

- Hello!
- Bedroom.

- Sorry I'm so late.
- How'd it go?

Fine, the kid has to do
a little community service...

and I have to send the police
chief a box of Krispy Kremes.

That's good.

- I got a question for you.
- sh**t.

But first you have to know that
I took notes for Donald today...

and I found out that all the stuff
Larry taught me was bogus.

So I decided to go to college.

Not because I'm angry at Larry
but because I really want to go.

So I made some calls and
it turns out that the diploma...

Abby needle pointed
for me isn't going to cut it.

So I got to get my GED,

which brings me to my question.

If a train leaves Boston at : ,
and another train...

hold on, hold on.

You're gonna go to college?

Maybe if I could figure out
what time these trains collide.

-You're Ok with that, right?
- Sure.

You don't sound very enthusiastic.

I'm sorry I, I mean...

if this is actually something
that you're gonna...

follow through with,
I'm right behind you.

- I'm going to follow through with it.
- Of course honey it's just...

you get a lot of ideas, just
the other day you were gonna...

raise iguanas for fun and profit.

I don't think college cuts into that.

You do know you're talking about
four years of really hard work?

- Yes I do, and I intend to do it.
- OK. Fine good for you.

But I want you to know that if you
wake up tomorrow and you want to...

open a kite store,
I'm behind you on that too.

Why would I want to open a kite store?

I had a kite store, I lost my shirt.

Excuse me.

- Hi, remember me?
- Sure.

How could I get the woman who
knows where they keep Eisenhower's brain.

Yes, as it turns out I may
have been misinformed about that.

- What can I do for you?
- I'd like to audit your class.

Really? You want to be here
even though you don't have to be?

I love this class.

The way you spoke about Richard Nixon
opening up China...

I felt like I was right there
asking Mao to pass the duck sauce.

Well, I'm in love. Are you married?

Yeah. You got a sister?

An imaginary sister, but I think
she's seeing somebody.

Well, it wouldn't have worked out.

She probably wants
the children raised imaginary.

Probably.

Listen, anyone who wants to learn
like you do is welcome in my class.

Thanks, I really appreciate it,
there's just one small problem...

which is that I'm not quite enrolled
in the university yet...

I still need to pass my GED, get accepted,
and learn to chug a lug.

You know I'm sorry but the college
has a strict policy about...

non-students auditing classes.

- OK, I understand.
- Yeah.

OK, thanks anyway. Bye.

Hang on.

You know what, screw policy.

I mean, if you really want to take
my class, I'd be glad to have you.

You sure? Absolutely.

If you need help with that GED,
just give me a call.

Really. Yeah.

I'd be happy to pay you.
No, I don't take your money.

How about we do it in trade I teach yoga.

Deal, I've always wanted to learn yoga,
sure.

Great, if you stretch my mind,
I'll stretch your body I mean...

I'm married, I mean I'm sorry.

I know what you mean. Oh good.

OK.

Thank you, I'll see you later.
OK, thanks.

For what?

I mean... it was nice
to meet you... again.

I'll see you again. Yeah okay.

Yeah OK, I'll call you.

- OK, bye.
- OK, bye.

Hey, you did great. Thanks.

- You do know we're done right?
- I know, I'm just resting.

Did you hurt yourself?

In ways I didn't think were possible.

No, don't do that. Let me.

Dharma...

I'm sorry.

It's okay Marcy what's up?

I can come back later
when you're not rubbing somebody.

Is that a message for me?
Oh, sorry, yeah Greg called.

- Greg's her husband.
- Right there that is... good.

Oh dear.

He said he can't have dinner with you,
because Brandon's been arrested.

Poor kid.

My husband's a lawyer.
But he's really nice and...

and tall.

Listen, if you don't have any plans
why don't we use tonight to study.

I just need to take a shower and grab
something to eat, you want to join me?

I'm sorry I never shower
with my students.

What are you doing?

I can't believe you have no
tartar sauce anywhere in this car.

Why would I lie about that?

What do you need wet naps for
if you don't have any tartar sauce?

Close the glove compartment.

All right.

Don't put that in there.

I can't eat it now it's dry.

Unbelievable.

What's your problem?

I guess I just don't like being
taken advantage of.

You bought me a fish sandwich,
get over it.

I'm talking about the gullickson kid.

He's a little con artist
he'll probably tell me...

that somebody planted
the CDs in his jacket.

Why would we care?

You own his father hourly, right?

We're getting him out of
this and we're walking away.

Are you nuts?
This young man is a gold mine.

Not only does he regularly break the law,
but he gets caught every time.

Just get me here.
When we get there you handle the bail.

I'm gonna tell the kid he's on his own. We
do not need to represent people like him.

You don't get
this whole lawyer thing, do you?

Fine.

Wait a minute.

I've got target sauce in my wallet.

Hang on, there's something
I don't understand here.

What's that?

Did your wife start
sleeping with your boss...

after you broke up or
while you were still together?

No, that's why we broke up.

That stinks.

Yeah but on the plus side I'm the
only one in the history department...

who's ever had the chairman
visit his house.

By making a joke you're saying...

please stop talking about
this before I start crying.

Kinda.

So...

what do you know about photosynthesis.

I'm sorry.

It sounds like you've been
through a bad time.

Thanks.

Okay photosynthesis.

Let's see...

chlorophyll and sunlight...

transform hydrogen and carbon
dioxide into food for plants...

and as a by-product oxygen is released
which is good for us, go trees.

I'm impressed.

Yeah well my mum's a registered
Wiccan herbalist and my dad...

he does a lot of work with plants.

Yeah incredible I've never met anyone
like you.

I get that a lot.

Here's a bunch of my cards,
give them to your friends.

You guys are young,
you should be out there having fun.

You shouldn't have to be thinking is this
a crime is that a crime.

You leave that to us.

And I hope you learned your lesson.

Pete, can you give us a minute?
And listen to this man.

, and don't forget what I told you.

All right, here's the deal.

This one doesn't go away,
you're gonna get probation.

One more screw-up
and you're going in the juvie system.

Do you have to tell my father? Of course.

I'm also going to
tell him to find another lawyer.

Why?

Because I don't like getting conned.

Oh save it.

That's right, I'm on to you.

You're just a rich brat who thinks...

the rest of the
world exists to clean up after.

Well, here's a news flash.

Your daddy's money's not
going to keep you out of prison.

Well actually it might.

That is not my point my point is...

you're a smart kid and you ought to
start acting like it.

I know.

I know I'm just doing this
to get back at my parents.

You know for never being around.

I just can't seem to stop.

I got shipped off
to a boarding school I felt...

angry and abandoned too.

Really?

Those are tough times dude...

but I didn't destroy property
or steal stuff.

I hung in there and I made
something of myself.

You can too. You think so?

It's my home number...

and my cell phone.

If you ever just you
know want somebody to talk to...

just give me a call okay?

I'll do that.

All right I'm gonna
go check on your paperwork son.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Mr Montgomery yeah.

Thanks...

dude.

Angles are congruent.

That means X equals x equals .

X equals m...

problem? Geometry.

Charlie showed me the trick to
these triangle ones...

and I just can't remember it.

Who's Charlie? I told you.

He's that professor who's tutoring
me in exchange for yoga classes.

Oh right right.

He's such a great guy you would love
him I should get you guys together.

Sure.

Oh god am I tired.

That drive really takes it out of you.

It's not one of
these problems that I can figure out.

Honey you're k*lling yourself
with this college thing...

it's no big deal you gave it a sh*t.

I'm going to college brick.

Okay sorry.

Can you help me study tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

It's parents weekend
at Brandon's school...

and his folks aren't
going to show so I thought that...

I'd drive up there and...

you know be there for him.

He's going through a hard time.

Man good night.

Listen Charlie...

thanks for all your help, but I am...

thinking about quitting this
whole GED college thing.

What? Why?

I don't know, I'm having
a really hard time, and I...

some people seem
to think that I don't have what it takes.

Some people don't know you like I do.

You have an incredible mind.

You can accomplish
anything you set out to do.

The maths and the history, I can't...

believe me you can learn
enough maths to pass this test.

You know a lot about history...

we just need to undo a
little of the damage your dad did.

In his defense he was a really good dad,
he was home all the time.

You know what, I was supposed to go
to a faculty party tonight, but...

I'm gonna blow it off and you and
I are gonna nail this stuff.

No,
you don't want to miss a faculty party.

No one gets down like history professors.

It's just bad Starters...

and my ex-wife parading
around with the head of the department.

Yeah I guess that would suck some
of the fun out of it.

Hey, how about this?

I'll go with you and then
we study afterwards.

Oh I don't know.

It'll be fun, we'll pretend
I'm your new girlfriend...

make the ex a little jealous.

Can we say you're
from some exotic foreign country.

Sure.

As long as it's Canada because
I don't do accents very well.

All right it's a date.

Good, or as they say in my country...

it's a date.

Nice ride. It's all right.

You didn't really have to come up here,
for this lame parents weekend thing.

I enjoyed it.

Old folks almost had a chance
in the touch football game...

till that one kid's father
got the chest pains and started vomiting.

That was something, huh? I guess.

Listen Brandon, I really understand
what you're going through.

I've been there.

You know your parents are never around,
and then they...

try to make up for it by buying you a trip
to Europe or the big fancy sports car.

They didn't buy this.
Really, then how did you...

So, not only had the horse thrown me...

but it was reared up on its hind legs...

ready to crush me
into the frozen Canadian tundra...

when out of nowhere charlie
rides up and his big white...

horse swoops me up with one
arm and carries me to safety.

Was that tundra? Oh yeah.

So how did you guys meet?

Excuse us.

How are we doing?

I think you went a little far
with a knight in shining armor story...

but I like the thing where
you cry every time I jump off a plane.

Oh you weren't kidding
about those hors d'oeuvres.

Well, here we go.

That's her? Yeah.

She's pretty hot.

Now you see that doesn't help.

You want to give her a little show.

What do you mean? Follow my lead.

Oh you're so funny.

Come here you.