06x12 - Crickets

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: coming up...

Why is joe dishing it out?

Thwap.

[ Laughter ]

What's got q
quenching his thirst?

Ohh!

And which losing joker
will the be the butt

Of the joke
in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
prepare for something amazing.

Q: hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: larry!

[ Laughter ]

Heads up, today we are
working at lids.

Both: while helping customers,
we'll have to do

And say what the other guys
tell us.

If you refuse,
you lose.

Hello. Welcome to lids.
I'm james.

I can help you with anything
if you need anything.

I want you to apologize
for it being so hot in here,

But in
a really sexy voice.

Oh, by the way, i, um,
I apologize for it being so...

Hot in here.

No problem.

Now lean on something
and fan yourself.

Ooh.

[ Laughter ]

So hot.

You drove her
out of the store.

Murray,
this bundled-up dude --

Get up on a ladder
and from there,

Ask him if his tongue
fits in his mouth.

Bud. Does your tongue
fit in your mouth?

Yeah. Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: look at him.
He's so confused.

Okay, murr,
grab the ladder.

And just put it right
in front of the guy

And climb it and ask him
if he needs help.

Go all the way
to the top of it.

Sal: oh, if you could do it
without him noticing.

Do you any help, sir?

Oh, I was just wondering
if you needed any help.

Well, I'm here
if you need anything.

Murr, hide behind
the hat rack.

Slowly just climb the ladder.

You still okay? You good?
Okay.

James -- if you need anything.
Lids.

Murr, go in the back,
get a big ladder.

You're okay?

[ Laughter ]

If you need anything at all --
james, lids.

Does your tongue
fit in your mouth?

Does your tongue
fit in your mouth?

Like with no problem,
just fits in normally, right?

Yeah. All right.

[ Ding! ]

I could get a --

I could get one for you
if it's too high.

Do you want a different one?
Which one?

Second green
all the way up top?

Let me get the thingy.

[ Laughter ]

Keep missing.

-This one? This one?
-Yes.

You are the most
incompetent worker.

It's tricky for me.

[ Laughter ]

Joe, jam coupons
in people's faces.

Pow.

Already laughing.

Pow.

Thwap.
-[ Gasps ]

[ Laughter ]

She literally gasped.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Pow.

Joe, would you take
a hat in exchange

For a quick snuggle
with you or...?

Hi, bud.
Quick snuggle?

Quick snuggle,
if you'd like.

Free hat.

Do you like the hat?

You want it for free?

All right,
you want to snuggle?

No, just you, yeah.

It's got to be
the purchaser.

Name's joe, let me know.

Quick snuggle.

-Oh!
-Oh!

Sorry? Yeah, you get
a free hat --

-Oh, right up in your zone.
-Oh, snuggle.

That's a hug,
that's not a snuggle.

Put your arm
around me and just --

-There we go.
-That'll do.

[ Ding! ]

Q: hey, sal, go behind
the counter over there

And pick up
the other hat grabber.

Okay, now use those like
they're your hands.

There you go.

If you guys
need anything,

Need me to get anything down
for you, I can help you.

Just let me know
what you like.

Grab that pamphlet.

Well, let me see
where exactly --

Let me see.

I'm just trying to see
where you guys are coming from.

Oh, I see. Did you go to --
you went over to the --

[ Laughter ]

What can I get you?

Okay, now, sal,
do it till it's unfunny.

Oh, you guys,
where did you guys go?

Tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle.

Where you guys going?
Let me get that hat back.

You guys are all crazy.
Look at your purse.

Waah!

I'm robbing you.
I'm robbing you.

Oh,
I got your backpack.

It's getting unfunny.

Ah, we might've sold out.

Sal, be so disappointed
that you don't have it.

I know that you
wanted the hat.

I know you wanted it
with a passion and everything.

It's my goal
to get it to you,

And we didn't have it,

So I'm really sorry
that we didn't have the hat.

Sal, if you can cry...

But it's not
the hat you wanted.

Joe: sal's trying
to make himself cry.

Look, look, look.
Just think about your life.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

I'm starting crying
thinking of sal's life.

Well, that's the hat
that you wanted,

And we couldn't get it for you.
And I just feel bad about it

Because -- I know.

Joe: they're consoling him.

Just know that I tried,
yeah.

Look how many hats we have,

And then the one hat
that you want,

I don't have it.

I'm sorry.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: he can't hold it together.
Look at him.

Oh, my god,
you're gonna take it.

Go ring him up,
go ring him up.

-I'll get it.
-Let me just say --

I loved you in "goonies."

-Oh!
[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god,
you're gonna take it.

Go ring him up,
go ring him up.

-I'll get it.
-Let me just say --

I loved you in "goonies."

-Oh!
[ Laughter ]

-$..
[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

He put his twitter handle
right on the hat.

I'm expanding
the global brand.

-Very good. @Bqquinn.
-That's right.

But you forgot
I'm in charge of the blurs.

Yeah, so?

It's blurred now.
Nothing you can do about it.

The global brand.

Okay, put my twitter handle
on it, too,

Then,
you get all unblurred.

So I do that,
the blur's gone.

-Yeah.
-Wait.

What kind of deal
are you striking here?

-All right, how's that?
-That's great -- unblurred.

-Good, all right.
-That's great.

Thank you. Thanks, man.

Do that thing where my name
sh**t in underneath

And says "sal" with my twitter
handle on it right now.

Right now.
-Let's change that to mine.

-No.
-Okay, hold on.

And if we're
doing that thing,

Cut to my okcupid profile
right now.

Now my okcupid is public.

-No, I just put up bars.
-What?

Just trying
to get my okcupid profile.

You know what?
I'm blurring his face.

Wait, no!

You're getting
power hungry, joe.

What do I look like?

All you see is my hands.

Yeah, now you're
james blurry.

-[Bleep]
-we can't understand you.

Every time you talk,
I'm beeping it.

[Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

It took us this long
to realize

He could be
fully censored.

You're effectively removed.
Oh, my god.

I wish I had the blur function
in my own eyeballs.

Looking for
something specific?

Just checking it out.
Yeah.

I just polished off
a swordfish parm sandwich.

I apologize if I'm
a little sluggish today.

I just -- I just polished off
a swordfish parm sandwich.

[ Laughter ]

Just start naming
all the parms that you've tried.

Lamb parm's pretty good,
I had that a few times.

Goat parm.
Quail parm.

Armadillo parm.

Rhino parm, tuna parm.

Turtle parm. Gorilla parm.

Oh, ostrich parm.

Orangutan parm.

Zebra parm.

Donkey parm.

Donkey parm.

Donkey parm junior.

[ Laughter ]

-He's inching to the door.
-If you just crisp --

He's like, "come on."

Let me tell you --
that would be delightful.

My mom used to make
this wolf parm

Whenever we went on vacation.

-Yeah, he's gone.
-He's gone, q.

[ Ding! ]
[ Laughter ]

Narrator: the only place
sal can hang his hat

Is on the loser board.

We took a road trip today,

And we're working at
the florida mall

At our friend
joey fatone's new place

Fat one's hot dogs
and italian ice.

While helping customers out,
we've got to do

And say
what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do
or say anything, you lose.

You will never work
in hot dogs again!

Joe: all right,
here we are at fat one's.

Uh, my fatone sense
is tingling.

Here comes --
there he is.

I'm always watching.
I'm always watching.

How are you?

Welcome to fat one's.
How are you?

Slurp down a wien,
perhaps?

Slurp down a wien,
though, perhaps?

Slurp down a wien,
perhaps?

-Yes.
-Yeah, yeah.

-Okay.
[ Laughter ]

Welcome to fat one's.

Which gender?

And what, uh, what gender
would you like that to be?

Male or female.

[ Laughter ]

One male lemonade.
There you go.

-Thank you.
-You got it.

When do we start
getting hot dogs?

-That's $.
-[Bleep] damn it.

Can I get a hot dog?

Just get me one.
-Want me to get it for you?

Yeah, thanks.

Joe: here comes fatone,
he's just getting q a hot dog.

-What's up, man?
-Hey, how you doing?

You guys
enjoying your food?

-Yeah.
-Awesome. Love it.

Hey, murray, tell fatone
to bring me my hot dog back.

Mr. Quinn ordered a hot dog.
Can you please get it for him?

Yes, I'll get it for him.
I'm waiting for it to be cooked.

Murr,
get aggressive with him.

Can I speak to you
for a second?

[ Laughter ]

Get it together, man.

Dude --
you will be bounced out
of this mall so fast.

When mr. Quinn
wants a hot dog,

You get him a hot dog.

Fine, just give me
the hot dog then.

Sal,
follow up with him.

The problem is you have to
learn how to talk to people.

[ Laughter ]

Hi, guys, welcome
to fat one's.

Sal, I didn't know
you people ate hot dogs.

[ Laughter ]

Murray, not you because
I know you'll say it.

Sal.

I didn't know
you people ate hot dogs.

Say it.
Say it.

Oh, okay, I didn't know
you people ate hot dogs.

-Oh!
[ Laughter ]

Oh, sir, sir,

We have a hot dog
named after you.

Sir, we actually have
a hot dog named after you.

It's called the "turtle
without a shell."

Goodbye.
-No, oh, oh.

Sir, we actually have
a hot dog named after you.

It's called the "turtle
without a shell."

Goodbye.

No, oh, oh.

Lead it.

The new yorker.
You seem like a new yorker.

Yeah, there you go, guys.
There you go.

[ Buzzer ]

Hi, how are you?
Free hot dog? Great.

Which one
would you like, hon?

-The don hollywood.
-The don hollywood, great.

It is fat one's policy
that she smells

All the buns
for freshness

And picks the one she wants.
-It's a great policy.

Okay, so they're three
different kinds?

These are three
different buns, yeah.

You smell the buns
for freshness,

You pick the one you like.

Just make sure
you pick which one.

They smell differently?

We trust you, yeah,
'cause we don't want to --

So you like --
-middle one's fine.

Put the other two back.
She'll take the middle one.

Q: we'll be having the middle
bun for this one.

Okay, so --
a large drink.

Just a little bit of ice,
not a lot.

Little bit of ice.

Fill that whole
thing up with ice.

Murr: yeah.

-Thank you.
-There you go.

Uh...

I wanted, like,
less than half of that.

Oh, okay, you just pick out
the ones you don't want,

I'll just
put them back.

Are you serious?

Yeah.
I got a line forming, hon.

If you could just pick out
the ones you don't want

And just put them in --

Now are these the ones
you wanted or didn't want?

Did not.
These are did not,
so these you want.

These are the ones we want,
so put these back.

We'll use these later.

So one person's trash
is another person's fresh.

[ Laughter ]

What do you need,
hot dog?

-I'll do the new yorker.
-New yorker, yep.

Q, does he know he could
have that in liquid form?

Murr: oh.

Why don't you push
the hot dog shake on him

That you're trying
to get on the menu?

Hot dog shake.

Did you know, sir, um,

That you can have that
complete meal in a liquid form?

Liquid form?

I'll just show you,
I'll just show you.

Sal: he puts in two hot dogs
with the bun.

-Oh.
-Oh, no, yeah.

It's surprisingly, yeah.

Oh!

Little chili to make it
more solidified, little chili.

You're the boss.

-Great.
-All right, now.

This is not
gonna be good.

Look at
that disgusting thing.

Look at the crowd forming.

It's a new smoothie we do
here at fat one's.

It's a new
hot dog smoothie.

Yeah,
it's like a juice thing.

Yeah, you do it
with a hot dog now.

Try this.
Try this.

-Oh, my god, q.
-Look at that.

Oh, my god.

Try that, sir.
You want to try that?

Smoothie hot dog,
just take a sip.

-Try that.
-Q, a good chef always tastes

What he makes
before he serves it.

Pour one for yourself,
too, bud.

You've been working hard.

-All right.
-A toast.

-Cheers, guys, cheers.
-Cheers.

Cheers, everybody.
-Cheers.

Oh, my god.

He said it was delicious.

She's drinking it, too.

[ Laughter ]

Q, how is it?

It's not bad.

[ Laughter ]
[ ding! ]

Narrator: hot dog,
sal is tonight's big loser.

So sal's our loser,
and he does stand-up comedy,

But he never invites us
to his show.

-No.
-So today, sal,

We're gonna make you
do it for us instead.

Except we want you
to absolutely b*mb.

-Oh, my god.
-We brought you to

The advanced learning
institute conference, buddy.

Serious business people
from all over

The country converge here
for this conference.

: P.m. At a business
conference, yeah,

They're ready for me
right now.

Bring out the guy
in a fish tie.

Sal, you have to
absolutely b*mb.

Oh, god.

Look.

I think they call
that flop sweat, buddy.

You haven't even
flopped yet.

We have done a lot of business
talk these last few days.

This is the end of a
three-day technology conference.

Probably the worst place

You can go up there
and try and do stand-up.

People
just want to go home.

This is
every comic's nightmare.

This is every person's
nightmare.

Now, you all know we tour
as the impractical jokers.

Sal also does stand-up
on his own.

He loves it.
It's his number-one passion.

Passion.
He's actually
living that dream now,

And now living
that nightmare.

Please welcome sal vulcano.

Murr: here we go.

Do not be funny.

I know it's hard,
but you can't be funny.

Hey.

Is this on?
-We hear you.

Oh, you hear me? Okay.

Uh, how's everybody doing?
-Good.

Okay, sal, b*mb.

Uh, I heard you guys
were here for a conference?

You guys here
for business?

-Yes.
-What kind of business?

Funny business?
[ Light laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

That was actually
too funny, sal.

I would like you
to rein that in.

I --

The funny thing
about a conference call...

The funny thing about
a conference call...

...is that you can't see
the people on the other line.

...is that you can't see
the people on the other line.

'Cause
when you have meetings,

It's probably much more
effective communicating.

Ba-dum-tss.

[ Laughter ]

Riff about marriage
a little bit.

Oh, man, I'm divorced.

Uh, women be shopping.

[ Light laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

The laughter's
getting awkward now.

Mm, boy.
All right.

Now talk about
your family.

Uh, I have three siblings.

Tough growing up
with three sisters.

Tough getting some
bathroom time.

All right.
-Oh, they're starting to turn.

You guys, uh --

Tough growing up
with three sisters.

Tough getting some
bathroom time.

All right.
-Oh, they're starting to turn.

You guys, uh --

Never get to punch lines.

So, you know,
a lot of people think that,

You know, women are bad drivers.

I'm here to tell you
they're not.

[ Laughter ]

All right, so --

Murr:
here's arnold schwarzenegger

Finding an onion ring
in his fries.

Here's arnold schwarzenegger

Finding an onion ring
in his fries.

[ As arnold schwarzenegger ]
what is this?

I did not want an onion ring.

I wanted fries.

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
look at the faces in the room.

Dude.

Joe: okay, sal, you got
to keep bombing.

One last impression for you.
-One last impression.

[ Laughter ]

This is -- this is --

Q: they're openly
mocking you.

Here's republican ohio
state senator rob portman.

Here's one -- here's a new one
I'm working on.

Republican ohio senator
robert portman.

-Picking up his dry cleaning.
-Picking up his dry cleaning.

[ Laughter ]

What? I'm sorry,
I don't have the ticket.

I'm robert portman.
I'm the senator from ohio.

Can I please have my stuff?

I have some id on me.

Good enough?
Thank you.

Ooh.

Oh, my god,
this is awful.

You know, uh, abortion is,

Uh, not a --

Let's skip that one.

[ Laughter ]

Look at the faces
in the room.

-Oh.
-Dude.

So...

Sal, is it getting hot in there?
Take your jacket off.

Yeah, take your jacket off,
bud.

We put sal's outfit
together today.

There's his suspenders,
there's his suspenders.

Where are my single
booze bags at?

Where are my single
booze bags at?

Nobody?
Just me.

[ Laughter ]

All right, I just got
about minutes left,

Just trying to fill
the time here.

All right.

-Wow.
-Oh, my skin is crawling.

This went great.
All right, thank you.

Asians, right?

Asians, am I right?

I love asians.
I have an asian wife.

I lied -- I do have a wife.

Got all of you.
I got all of you on that.

I just dropped a b*mb on you.

Well, literally
and figuratively, all right.

Just get out of there.
You've had enough.

Okay, bye.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks a lot, guys.
Appreciate it.

Everything's gonna be okay.

That was bad.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god.

Sal just bombed in one

Of the cringiest punishments
we've ever done,

And now you get
a behind-the-scenes

Look at
how it happened.

He's soaking wet.

And I'm gonna give you bonus
footage from tonight's episode.

So you should
cool down a little.

We'd like to begin,
but we're missing somebody.

-We're missing sal.
-Uh-huh, and who else?

-Um, murr is brushing his tooth.
-His tooth?

Well, I mean, ever since
it fell out on tv,

He keeps it
really clean.

-Oh.
-Oh [bleep]

Ah, your tooth.
Is that your tooth?

Is that your tooth?
Holy [bleep]!

Oh, my god.
His tooth just fell out.

Joe: murray's tooth
just fell out.

Every single sh**t,

You brush your teeth
before you begin.

Yes.

I feel like...

Yes. This sounds weird.
There's a couple reasons.

One is I have
very bad teeth.

Second,
I eat after every meal,

And I eat all day
long on set,

So I'm constantly
brushing my teeth.

Third, this is gonna
sound crazy --

I feel like I'm funnier
when I have fresh breath.

Is that weird?

David:
three, two, one.

So sal's our loser,
and he does stand-up comedy,

But he never invites us
to his show.

-Oh, my god.
-You can't be funny.

Joe:
the more funny you are,

The longer we're gonna
keep you out there.

You guys hear that?
What?

Crickets?

[ All imitate expl*si*n ]

Sal vulcano's
stand-up comedy.

[ Laughter ]

You know what it is,
is it's also like a funny way

To get people to know
that sal's doing stand-up,

So really --

-You're kind of promoting --
-it's like a commercial for him.

It's kind of like
a get the word out there.

-It's a terrible commercial.
-Yeah, but people are gonna know

That he's doing
bad stand-up on purpose.

But they're gonna be like,
"I didn't know he did stand-up,"

And then he can go and people
will look it up online.

It's like when
a local commercial is so bad

That everyone's like,
"I have to go there."
Exactly.

Joe: I worked at a chinese
restaurant and I got in trouble.

I used to work
at a chinese restaurant.

That was interesting,
I got in trouble one time.

I had to report
to hunan resources.

I had to report
to hunan resources.

-Ohhh.
[ Laughter ]

What's black and white
and black and white

And black and white
and red?

What's black and white
and black and white

And black and white
and red?

A nun falling
down the stairs.

-Oh.
-Well, this is an oldie.

Yeah.

A nun falling
down the stairs.

[ Laughter ]

Explain the joke.

'Cause she has --
her outfit's black and white,

Then as she turns,
it keeps on going.

Then at the end, in this joke,

She punctures herself
and bleeds.

[ Laughter ]

What did you think
about that performance?

I thought
he was terrible.

And I was
concerned for him.

I found out my aunt has cancer.

Uh, it's okay, though.

She d*ed in a car accident
before it could take her.

[ Laughter ]
-look at their faces.

Look at their faces.

[ Laughter ]

-What a dope.
-You got to be kidding me.

Hey, yo,
welcome to lids.

Oh, my god.

This is the saddest thing
I've ever seen.

I can't.

That's your character study
of a hip person?

Wait, what's happening?
What's happening?

-What are you doing?
-What?

Nobody told
you to do this.

-Okay.
-Nice work, joey.

Go ask those people
if they need help.

You guys need help?
I'm james.

I went to georgetown.

[ Laughter ]