09x05 - Bleach for America

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is joe getting sassy...

Lassassa sassassa
shingots?

[ laughter ]

...What's got q and murr
bringing the hype...

Big ups, everyone.
Big ups.

...And which losing joker
will be totally bummed out

By tonight's big punishment?

-Oh, god.
-Oh, my god!

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Murr: Come on.
You're the deuceman.

Today, we're working
as receptionists,

Checking people into
their appointments.

Except that all
the utterly ridiculous names

We need to call out,
such as...
Cranjis?

Cranjis mcbiscuitball?

...Have been given to us
by the other guys.

The goal is
not to laugh

While you're calling out
these silly names.

And whoever laughs
the most loses.

We're at work.

Okay, murr.
Ah, come on.

Have a seat
wherever you like.

You know how this game works.
You got to read the names.

We wrote them for you.
Don't laugh.

Any day that we play
cranjis mcbasketball...

It's a good day.
...Is a good day.

So the first name is
luke [chuckles] johnson.

[ laughter ]

Murray's wedding crasher.

I have a distant friend
named luke johnson.

Crashed my wedding.
No joke.

And he was
the best guest.
[ laughs ]

How about
vladimir ploppers?

[ laughter ]

Vlad? No?
-No.

Ploppers. So I'm gonna
put him in group three.

Okay, next, we have
macadamia butt.

[ laughter ]

-Boot? Boot?
-Macadamia boot?

Mac?

-Mac boot?
-Mac boot?

Mac boot pro?

Mac -- [ chuckles ]
mac boot pro?

[ laughter ]

Sal got you
with the follow-up.

Another non-name.

Okay, so they have
mortimer pinkett smith.

[ laughter ]
no.

Next [chuckles]
monsieur jumblies?

[ laughter ]

Who names are these?
[ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

Next, they sent
shirley [chuckling] itsaboobjob.

[ laughter ]

Shirley?
Are you mrs. Itsaboobjob?

No?

One second. Troy?

[ laughter ]
troy is waiting.

Troy is waiting
with bated breath.

It's not
a walkie-talkie.

They must be in
the next group.

Yeah. I love you.
Talk to you later.

[ laughter ]

Okay.
[ chuckles ]

Joe:
He can't even get it out.

Slick deuceman,
attorney-at-law?

[ laughter ]
slick?

Come on.
You're the deuceman.

No?

[ laughter ]
slick deuceman.

You see all the billboards
on I-, right?

Malpractice.
He does injuries.

When a dog bites you,
he bites them back.

When a dog bites you,
he bites them back.

-Slick deuceman.
-Slick deuceman.

You look like him.
It's not me.

Okay, next, they sent
[chuckling] albie -- albie?

Albie darforyu?

[ laughter ]

You won't be "dare" for me?
[there]

Okay, wicket...Fot.

[ laughter and applause ]

Wicket? Wicket fot?

I guess mr. And mrs. Fot.

[ laughter ]

And these are from new jersey
with these names?

You don't know any wicket fots
in new jersey?

No wicket fots.
[ laughter ]

Joe: You're done,
but you did terrible.

Murr:
Alright, joseph.

So they're going to be ready
for some people

In a couple minutes.

When I say your name, I'll
tell you what room to go to.

It looks like
joe's spiky hair

Is trying to make
a comeback right now.

It's going...
Yeah, it's, like, willing
its way back into existence.

It's, like,
defying the gel.

The wave is cresting again,
joe.

Joe, your hair is fighting
the l.A. Looks.

[ laughter ]

So, if you hear your name --
I'll just call them out.

Hung miner.

[ laughter ]

Is there a hung miner
in here?

[ laughter ]

[ sighs ]

[ laughter ]

Joe, let's get some
upper-lip sweat, please.

[ laughter ]

There we go.

P.P. Balloons?

[ laughter ]

No p.P. Balloons.

[ chuckling ]
p.P. Balloons.

[ chuckles ]

Blo fongool?

[ laughter ]

Blo fongool.

[ chuckling ]
blo fongool.

No. These had to be the names
from the earlier one.

Grandfather flesh?

[ laughter ]

Nobody's a grandpa here?

Smallmedium fat.

[ laughter ]

That's the one
he laughed at?

Smallmedium fat instead
of "small, medium, large."

Smallmedium fat.
-Oh, my god.

[ laughs ]

[ laughing ]
I guess that's it.

Lassassa sassassa shingots?

[ laughter ]

Aye yai yai.

I mean, this is
lassassa sh--

Lassassa sassassa shingots.

-Hey, troy?
-Hey, troy.

[ laughter ]

I got the intel
for lassassa sassassa shingots.

Q: "I got the intel."

A name on a list
is intel.

Okay, well, I'm going through
the whole list.

I know.

You, too.

[ snickers ]
[ laughter ]

-Troy.
-Troy.

Hey, troy, you may want to
hold up sal on this one.

[ laughter ]

Joe, we're in position.
We're ready.

We're in position.
Yeah.

Mutha[bleep] doug white.

[ laughter ]

Mutha[bleep] doug white.

Good job, joey.

They just sent me
a list of names,

And then they're going to
send you into the room

To do a focus group.

Johnny calabash?

Okay, no johnny calabash.
No? Okay.

Raylee? Raylee ota?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Smirk. Look at that,
look at that, look at that.

-Raylee ota.
-Raylee.

[ laughter ]

Toodles valentine?

[ laughter ]

Nicknamed toodles?
Valentine?

[ chuckling ] no.

[ laughter ]

Buffalo childrens.

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]

That's a laugh.
We got one.

Hey, troy.

Yeah, they -- so far,
nobody's been here yet.

Joe: He just hung up on troy.
[ laughs ]

He didn't even say goodbye.
He just hung up.

Lisa?

Forgettable lisa?

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]
get it all out.

Alpha noogiepuss?

Nope.

[ laughter ]

-Got him.
-You got him. Alpha noogiepuss.

[ ding! ]
[ laughter ]

Is it,
beefies candelabra?

[ laughter ]
murr:
Beefies candelabra.

Beefies candelabra.

[ laughter ]

You would think the best thing
for me to do is just...

-Ask for our names.
-...Get everybody's names

And then just check it
against the list,

But we'll just keep
going this way, I guess,

'cause it makes more sense.

Ah, this must be it now.

Okay, karen whitebitch?

[ laughter ]

Karen whitebitch?

Sal: Why did he say,
"this must be it"?

"this must be it"?
Why did you preface it that way?

The one-and-only
egg montoya.

[ laughter ]

I thought you were
gonna say eric.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

-Eric montoya?
-Yeah.

[ laughter ]

-No.
-You don't go by egg, do you?

Montoya's
my middle name.

Oh, do you go by,
or you ever been known by

The one-and-only
egg montoya?

Did your friends call you that?
-I mean, once,

I made
the best tuna casserole,

Put eggs in it,
so they nicknamed me egg.

-Come on, dude.
-Are you kidding me?

-Your nickname is egg montoya?
-Yeah.

-[ laughs ]
-holy [bleep]

-Did I just win?
-No, no, that's not the game.

[ chuckles ]
humjob, texas ranger.

[ laughter ]

Humjob, texas ranger?

-What is your name?
-Danny.

Nope. Today you're
humjob, texas ranger.

-I take that.
-Alright.

Room four. Room four.

Room four for humjobs.

Later, humjob.
Take it easy, bud.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Alright, sal,
cranjis mcbasketball.

Here's our mvp,
the guy who's best at the game.

If you hear your name called,
just -- I'll send you --

Tell you which office
to go to.

Tina?

Tina melt?

[ laughter ]

Tina?

Hmm. Interesting.

Noice pahnts?

Murr:
[ laughing ] noice.
[ laughter ]

Nice pants.
-Nice pants.

Noice? Noice pahnts?

Definitely not me.

Alright.

[ laughter ]

-What's over there, sal?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright.

[ laughter ]

-What's over there, sal?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Coach grapefruit?
Is he -- is he --

[ laughter ]

Is he -- is -- 'cause I know
there's gonna be --

[ speaking gibberish ]

[ laughter ]
that's one.
That's one.

-We got him.
-That's one.

None of you go by
coach grapefruit?

Or do you coach anyone that
calls you coach grapefruit?

-No.
-[ laughs ]

Alright. Mrs. Skinbag.
Is that -- is that --

[ laughter ]

-Mrs. Skinbag.
-Skinbag?

Maybe they gave you
the wrong list.

It happens,
but we'll see.

Well, if varmint o'einstein
is here...

[ laughter ]

Varmint?
-Varmint?

-V-a-r-m-I-n-t.
-That's not me.

[ laughter ]

Probably have
the wrong list.

Well, if you're not
gnarly ratsack, then...

[ laughter ]

-Gnarly ratsack.
-It's a laugh.

Gnarly ratsack?

Rats-- ratsack?
Ratsack? Gnarly ratsack?

"troy."

Troy, please.

[ laughter ]

What grouping
do you have me with,

Because
I've gone through --

What group
is gnarly ratsack in?

Sal: Terrific.
Okay, thank you.

Okay, we'll just keep
going through these.

Pope lips?

[ laughter and applause ]

Mrs. Or mr. Lips.
Pope lips.

[ laughter ]

[ speaks indistinctly ]
[ laughter ]

That got him.

[ exhales slowly ]

You got to say it
out loud, bud.

[ exhales slowly ]
[ laughter ]

Sal, no matter how many times
you start and stop,

It's still gonna be
the same name.

You look like
you're practicing lamaze.

[ chuckling ]
what are you doing?

I only have one person
left on this list,

And if it's none of you guys,

Then I probably have
the wrong list,

'cause I'm not positive
any of you

Are sgunnt funkster,
the duchess of sussex

[ laughter ]

Any royalty in the room?

Is there any royalty in the room
from sussex county?

Oh, I'm royalty.

Alright, let me go figure out
what's going on.

I'll get you guys
out of here because --

Because we've been here
forever.
[ laughter ]

If you have any questions
or you need me,

My name's
cranjis mcbasketball.

[ laughter and applause ]

Narrator:
Is there a james murray here?

You're first up
on the loser board.

School's in session,
b*tches.

Today, we're teaming up,

Presenting homeschooling ideas
to parents.

And, of course,
the ideas that we're presenting

Have been created
by the other guys.

At the end, we'll ask
the parents to raise their hand

If any part of what
we taught today was viable.

Whoever has the fewest hands
raised loses.

Welcome.
Thank you for coming.

Are you guys all parents here?
-Yeah.

So we made
the presentation for them,

And they have to get through it
to the best of their ability.

Brian and I have come up with
a new curriculum

To help parents homeschool
their children better.

Here we go.

The beiderhoff method
is what we've coined

Our method
to homeschool children.

Q: The pillars
of beiderhoff is, one,

You prepare
the student's space,

Two,
prepare the student's body...

-Yes.
-...Get them ready,

And then three,
punish failure, of course.

[ laughter ]

Got to punish failure.
I think that's important, right?

Yeah. Negative reinforcement
is as important

As positive reinforcement
in our method.

-When applied correctly.
-Correctly.

-Yes.
-"really?" she's like, "really?"

You need space
to learn.

You know, your home already
contains the ideal classroom.

It's quiet, it's cool,
it's distraction-free.

A learning closet.
Boom.

[ laughter ]
a learning closet.

Murr: You lock the door
from the outside

To minimize distractions.

[ laughter ]

Do you find it's hard at home
to make your kids focus?

-Very hard.
-Mm-hmm, very hard.

What is
the number-one distraction?

Mm-hmm. Yep.

None of that
in a closet.

[ laughter ]

Yeah.
Beiderhoff, baby.

Beiderhoff.

"overnight learning.

Learning doesn't stop
when the sun goes down."

No.

"visual and audio elements
are projected

Directly onto your child's
eyelids as they slumber."

Sal: Look, look.

[ laughter ]

Here's a demonstration.

-Ask not...
-That's my daughter, milana.

[ laughter ]

Look at that little angel
just sleeping through the night

And learning, absorbing.

She's learning
while sleeping.

Yeah.
[ laughter ]

Yeah, look out, china.
Here we come.

[ laughter ]

The tara tucker technique.

So this is tara tucker,

An a.I.-Generated girl --
artificial intelligence.

Okay, she's a smart
neighborhood girl

That you're considering
replacing your child with.

[ laughter ]

A daily report
shows tara's grades

Are just slightly higher
than your own child's.

Tara's brain grew %.

Your brain shrunk.

[ laughter ]

Can't keep up
with tara.

Through fear,
you'll see results.

[ laughter ]

The delivery.

Murray,
what a steady delivery.

You see what we've done.

We've compared your child
with a fictional child,

And that will inspire your child
to do better.

Make sense?

[ laughs ]

Big ups. Alright, now,
this is the flip side of that.

Of course,
it is important to give props

Where props are due,
okay?

Respond
by thumping your chest,

Pointing up to the sky
while saying, "big ups."

Big ups, everyone.
Big ups.
Big ups.

No, I mean, do it, though.

-Oh.
-Yeah, there we go.

Big ups!
-Big ups.

Joe: Yeah, next one,

Big ups to kurt
and sarah loveland,

Who have been homeschooling
since .

Big ups.
Big ups.

Big ups.
Big ups.

"ma'am, I didn't see you
'big ups' on the end."

Ma'am, I'm sorry.
I didn't see you "big ups."

Great.

[ laughter ]

But double big ups to tone
rincón, who d*ed for this sh*t.

Big ups.

"tone rincón,
who d*ed for this sh*t."

By show of hands,

How many of you think
these methods will be useful

To parents
in their own homes?

-Big ups?
-Big ups?

No.
[ laughter ]

-No?
-Take a knee, boys. You lost.

Murr: Alright, boys.

-Hi. I'm joe.
-And I'm sal.

So we've designed the
presentation for joe and sal.

They've never seen it
before.

We are creating
a homeschooling curriculum

And we're workshopping it here
to get honest feedback.

-Yeah.
-Alright.

So, here we go. So teaching
our children, right?

[ laughter ]

I'm joe,
a clinical psychologist,

Father of ,
and an educator

With years of experience.
That's me.

And I'm his friend.

[ laughter ]

The homeschool
advantage --

School starts
when you want to,

No need to spend tons of money
on uniforms,

And the "cafeteria"
is always open.

[ laughter ]

So some disadvantages.

Conversely, the children end up
a tad creepy.

-It's a stigma.
-Stigma, yeah.

[ laughter ]

Next, buddy.

Our tips and tricks
will change the way

You teach your homeschooled
kids, aka your "homees."

-Homees.
-Right?

Yeah. Right?
Right? Homees.

Yeah,
you don't want to be like,

"oh, that's
that weird kid, dylan."

"oh, that's the homee, dylan."
-right.

[ laughter ]

Let's talk so much more
about homees.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Let's talk about it.
-[ laughing ] so much more.

[ laughter ]

-Why you need a plan.
-Yes.

With my first kid, ace,
I tried to wing it.

Went with my instincts,
and I [bleep] him up for life.

[ laughter ]

Yeah so he got straight --
yeah.

Yeah, the kid got
straight [bleep] up.

[ laughter ]

And then even the mom
admits it.

[ laughter ]

Moving on.
Your homee's curriculum.

Your homee's
curriculum.

These things
are utterly useless.

So, yeah, things
that we were taught.

So, like, chemistry, physics,
non-english...

Q: "non-english."

-...World history, and ms-dos.
-Yeah.

When was the last time
one of your homees used ms-dos?

[ laughter ]

Switch homees
with a neighbor.

You know, like...
[ laughter ]

The thing is, you know,
you switch up the homees

And sometimes
you're going to have --

You know, one homee's
going to respond

To one teacher better.

If I'm teaching
a little homee from next door,

He might understand
what I'm talking about,

Whereas my neighbor,
when he's teaching my homee,

It could be different.

Created a presentation

Where they have to keep
saying "homees."

Home trade schools.

Oh.

Q: [ laughs ]

Look at joe.

This should be an actual choice
that you consider.

Joe: Home trade schools.

Oh.

Metalworking,
plumbing, carpentry,

All these real-life skills,
right?

Why aren't we introducing
some of these functionalities

And education in lower grades?

Q: Like toilet cleaning.

[ laughs ]

The world will always need
ditch diggers and those sort.

[ laughter ]

Murr:
[ laughing ] look at the guy.
Look at the guy.

The guy's laughing.

Alright.

Joe:
Reward your homees.

Why not schedule regular video
appearances by vanilla clown?

[ laughter ]

Vanilla clown is a mysterious
and androgynous being

That works well
with boys and girls

That everyone
is kind of attracted to.

He's palatable.
It reminds you of candy.

We say vanilla
because it's sweet.

He's human adderall.
-He's human adderall.

[ laughter ]

That's actually kind of creepy.
Now that I look back --

Vanilla clown:
Welcome to hell.

Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Upper elementary.

Yeah,
upper elementary.

We try to strike fear
a little bit, too.

[ laughter ]

Any questions?

[ laughter ]

Raise your hand
if there was

Even one element today
that you thought

Could be practically
applied and appeal to parents.

-Yes.
-Aw, yeah.

-Whoa.
-One, two, three.

-Three? Are you kidding me?
-That's insane.

And we, really,
actually only needed one,

So that's pretty good,
actually.

-Aw, man.
-I can't believe it.

Narrator: Q and murr
got schooled, homees,

Making murr
tonight's big loser.

[ cheers and laughter ]

-Hey, hey, so, murr --
-I'm very --

Our dear murr is the big loser
for this episode.

I'm more nervous
than I usually am for this.

Joe: Oh, it'll be fine.

Here's a gift for you.

Can I not open it?

Sal:
No, you got to open it.

It's my shiney hiney,
the product from a few season--

Let's explain what
my shiney hiney is

For people
who might not know.

-Have you guys seen this?
-What's that?

My shiney hiney
a**l bleaching kit.

Maybe you should've read
the instructions?

Sal:
Aah! Oh, my god!

Murray, oh, my god!

This is a butthole
bleaching kit

And it's actually secured
its first national spokesperson,

And it's a celebrity --
james s. Murray.

Yes.
-No.

Congratulations,
my friend.

You, from now on, are the face
of my shiney hiney.

That's true. You're
the national spokesperson.

That's a joke, right?

It's % real. We've been
working on it for six months.

-Holy [bleep]
-striking a deal,

Writing the contract,
the whole thing.

-You guys went too far.
-Oh, no, we're not done yet.

You know those coupon packs
that go out?

Well, they'll be getting --
this is December.

Oh, my god. It's one
of these coupon kits.

Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my god!

"kiss dark, cavernous
hineys goodbye.

James s. Murray.
My shiney hiney."

I'm really embarrassed.

Oh, my gosh.
Q, how many --
what's the stats?

How many homes
does that go to?

Oh, on staten island alone,
joe,

, people
get these in the mail.
No.

You know, we wanted to reach
bigger than staten island,

Right, sal?
-Yes.

You have a new ad in page six
of the new york post.

Oh, my god!

Are you kidding me?
No!

You see here -- "kiss dark,
buttholes goodbye."

You've gone too far.

"my shiney hiney
a**l bleaching kit."
this is real.

"james s. Murray -- spokesperson
and a**l bleaching enthusiast."

You are the face
of my shiney hiney.

-Yeah, yeah.
-[bleep]

Joe: We're here in new jersey.
This is the new york post.

We wanted to reach new jersey.

So we were just wondering
how we could reach new jersey.

[ laughs ]

Oh, my god!

You are the face
of my shiney hiney.

Yeah, so we were just wondering
how we could reach new jersey.

How could we do that?

[ laughs ]

Oh, my god!

This is the busiest road
in new jersey.

[ laughter ]

No! No!

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

No!

This is the first time
that I've seen this.

[ laughter ]
holy [bleep]

Are you kidding me?

Q: "a**l bleaching enthusiast"
is your new title.

Murr: It's too far.

Do I get a cut of profits
at least?

Funny you should ask.

It is a paid spokesmanship...
-Yeah.

...And the proceeds will be
split between the three of us.

[ laughter ]
oh.

We should mention
the last thing.

Right now, we're gonna do
an instagram post,

Where you're announcing that you
are the national spokesperson.

Oh, my god!

[ laughter ]

Ready, buddy?
Hey, everybody.

Big announcement.
Do you remember that episode

Where I used
the a**l bleaching kit?

Well, good news,
the company reached out to me

To be their spokesperson,
and I said yes.

So I'm here at my own billboard
for my shiney hiney.

This is a fantastic product.
You're gonna love it.

[ laughter ]

Murray's first
national commercial, everybody.

-Yeah.
-This is the worst, man.

Gentlemen, you have
outdone yourselves.

You have outdone
yourselves.

I am angry and proud.

What the...?

You see his billboard?
Check out his billboard.

No.

[ laughter ]

Joe:
Congratulations, murr.

[ laughter ]

Butta?

Butta onaroll?

[ laughter ]

-Frankie beans?
-Tristan crackers?

-Teddy sandcastles?
-Chef linguine?

-Deuteronomy crawdad?
-Suge knight shyamalan?

Kentucky blubber?

[ laughter ]
nope.

Call me wild balls?

Mentholomew ka-ching?

Maya? Maya twoat hurts?

Fridgey -- fridgey stinks?

Juan -- juan macarena?

[ laughter ]