01x01 - Bird sh*t

[bunniefuu]

[Gareth] Zoe.

You know I've loved getting to know you.

- [romantic music playing]

- You're beautiful.

And smart.

And, uh exuberant.

A strong woman like you

deserves to be with someone

who is truly her match.

[exhales]

I'm sorry, Zoe,

but I'm not that man.

- [dramatic music plays]

- Oh.

[romantic music playing]

- Yeah, you are.

- Nah.

Like, I'd never even heard

the word "exuberant" before you used it.

Yeah, and I'd never heard

of high-intensity interval training,

but now look, repping squats all day.

- Seriously.

- It's going pretty good.

- Yeah.

- Wait, Zoe.

Look, I'm sorry,

but you're not my match.

[dramatic music plays]

So, what you're saying is, um

maybe if I'd laughed

a little bit harder at your jokes.

- Come on, don't do this.

- Or maybe

Maybe if I'd copped

more of a feel

of your [bleep]

balls under the blanket

while 15 [bleep] people

stood around filming.

Maybe then I'd be your match?

- [gripping music playing]

- Are we still sh**ting?

I can't believe I got sucked

into this sh*t.

And for what?

For a hot dummy who thinks

the moon is the sun's shadow.

Are you kidding me?

[bleep] this sh*t!

Yeah, well,

some of us are here for love.

Oh, love?

Oh, are you here for love?

- Yeah.

- Really?

Because nothing says love

like promoting your online fitness app

in between rose ceremonies.

- But I guess I'm the [bleep] fame whore.

- [Gareth] Are we gonna cut?

For hoping that maybe a radio hosting gig

would come out of this sexist sh*t.

- [Gareth] I think we should cut.

- Or a [bleep] podcast at the very least.

This whole show is as fake

as your spray tan, mate.

These fake flowers?

- Fake, fake

- [Gareth] Calm down.

Well, that one's real,

but it's not attached to anything.

There's no [bleep]

ceiling in here.

Bullshit!

Oh, and the cheese

that we never even eat!

[Gareth grunts]

- And the doves.

- Not the doves.

Don't even get me started

on the doves.

- Don't touch my doves.

- Out of my way.

- Don't touch 'em.

- The love birds,

rats of the sky that make single women

everywhere feel sh*t about themselves.

She's lost the friggin' plot.

- [producer] Still rolling. Do not

- [bleep] you!

- [producer] Zoe

- Come on, out you get!

- [producer] Zoe, just stop.

- [bleep]

- [Gareth] Zoe, don't!

- Go on! Go! Go on! Go!

Get out of here!

[gasps, retches]

- [laughs]

- [Zoe] Oh, my God!

[crew chuckling]

[producer] This is gold.

Don't cut. Do not cut.

It shat in my mouth. [retches]

Is there any possibility

you'll quit gossiping about me ♪

To hide your insecurities? ♪

All they say is, "Na, na, na, na, na" ♪

Na, na, na, na, na ♪♪

[exhales]

- [insects buzzing]

- [birds chirping]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[panting]

Oh, no, no, no.

[exhales]

Is this the way it's gonna be between us?

You acting like a little bitch, and me

realizing I'm talking to myself

out loud again?

[exhales heavily]

[dog barking]

[birds chirping in distance]

[birds chirping furiously]

[dog continues barking]

Oi! Thought we were having a moment.

[low rumbling]

[ground cracking]

[dramatic music playing]

What the f*ck?

Bitch, this is an emergency.

[phone chiming continuously]

I was given a bad edit!

sh*t. Okay.

[rumbling]

[water flowing]

[deep rumbling]

[gasps]

[Nelly: "Hot in Herre"]

So, besides organizing our reunion,

which has kept me busy,

I'm currently on track

for pre-selection in 2036

if the bellwether sticks.

Uh, uh, no, no, no.

Teresa, that is your fourth blue one

this hour.

Slow down or drink an orange one,

for God's sake.

- [snickers]

- Do you want an orange one?

- Well I was

- They're really nice.

So, um

do you know if Zoe mentioned

if she was coming or not?

Not a word.

Just because a bird took a dump

in your mouth on national television,

it doesn't mean you get

a hall pass on RSVPs.

[chuckling] Yeah.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

I know you were school captain, but

you just disappeared

halfway through the year.

And, whatever, technically,

I was caretaker school captain,

- but someone had to step up.

- Of course, no question.

Speaking of upgrades, have you been

reintroduced to Saskia 2.0 yet?

Did you know that for every pack of tampon

Saskia sells, she donates another pack

to chicks in, like, poor countries?

I mean, don't say people can't change.

Didn't she make your life hell, Genevieve?

[Genevieve scoffs]

Didn't she make your life hell, Amelia?

Anyway, why did you leave?

Rumor is you got expelled

for f*cking that staff member.

That's not why I left.

You have made that sound

way more scandalous than it was.

Well, what then?

- Why did you

- [cell phone ringing]

- Sorry.

- What, you married him?

You didn't include that in your bio.

- [Danny] You having fun up there, babe?

- It's worse than I thought.

They think I ran off

with the bloody maths teacher.

[Danny] Well, a 19-year-old

groundkeeper's assistant is way sexier.

So, did she show?

No. Told you she wouldn't.

[Danny] Ah, come on,

you only just got there.

I'm gonna head home.

[Danny] Oh, but, Mels,

it's a six-hour drive.

[distorted] Stay. She might show

Hello? Danny?

Reception's sh*t up here.

I can't even get 3G!

[gripping music playing]

[static hissing]

[Zoe] "Go to higher ground, Zoe."

"Yes, Dad, I am."

"You know, your old school

is the nearest evacuation point

in a weather emergency, Zoe."

"Uh, yeah, Dad. I know that.

I'm literally going to the school

right now."

"How come you never talk to me

in your imaginary conversations, Zoe?"

[clicks tongue]

"Now is really not the time, Mum."

"Is that why you decided to hole up

in your dad's sad little caravan

instead of coming to stay

in my nice big house with me?"

Oh, my God, stop talking to yourself!

[gripping music playing]

[Sandy] He's got over

a million followers now.

And the timing of this little event

was perfect

because Constable had

a cover sh**t for Dogue in Seminyak.

So I figured I'd make an appearance

while I was in the neighborhood.

You are the best exchange student ever.

- Is he here or

- No, he's at a puppy spa in Bondi.

- Oh.

- But here is my baby

at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

Oh!

Oh, Teresa, she didn't mean "baby" baby.

Guys, guys, pff, we can, what,

we can use the word "baby."

[slurring] Lots of couples,

they fail the first round of IVF.

And somewhere

in a little freezer in Brisbane,

my embryos are like, "Whoo!

You party while you can, Mama,

because next time we're gonna stay

in your big warm uterus."

And I'm like, "Okay, babies."

'Cause I'm fine.

- [sobs]

- Ter

Ah, no! No!

Well, I'm sorry. It's just that

I traveled halfway across the world

to catch up with my best friend

and all she can do is bitch

about her shriveled f*cking womb.

I mean, who even does IVF at our age?

- Guys, I'm going to go.

- No, no, no, no.

We haven't even spoken about Zoe and

The Match and also why you left school.

- I've really got to go, guys.

- Mmm.

Jeez.

So, what is it that you do now, Renee?

- Um, I am a nail technician.

- Oh, darling.

You Don't, don't tell people that.

[gripping music playing]

[car approaching]

No exploding water.

Just years of high school

scar tissue coming back.

Oh, sh*t!

What the f*ck?

[shifts gear]

Hey, excuse me.

Where's the emergency

meeting point or whatever?

Hello?

- Rude.

- [shifts gear]

[Phoebe] Nah. Nothing.

[Sneaky Sound System: "UFO"]

I can't believe how well

everyone's doing, hey?

Yeah.

All of these rich girls

who were handed every social privilege

on a silver platter, you know?

While, um, a scholarship scab like me

had to sell my plasma

just so I could afford

to go on a ski trip.

- Oh

- But, yeah, everyone's doing so well.

It's nice that you came anyway, Phoebe.

Don't flatter yourself. My boss reckons

he won't give me a bonus

till he can see I've done some human sh*t.

Uh, what is it that you do anyway?

Renny?

It's Renee. Yeah.

Um, I am

a doctor. Yes.

Nice.

[song continues]

[indistinct chatter]

[screaming]

Oh, my God, she came!

Ah!

What the f*ck is going on here?

I'm so happy you're here. You know,

screw him and his interval training.

He doesn't deserve you.

Is this our reunion?

- Yes!

- [Genevieve] Ten years, dum-dum.

Too famous to RSVP, are we?

Um, is this still where

the evacuation point is?

Didn't you get the emails?

- There have been emails.

- No, I haven't been on email.

- But have you guys seen

- No one could contact you.

That was kind of the point.

Zoe, when people don't RSVP,

it makes catering impossible

Oh, shh, Pepé.

- Don't call me that.

- Drink up, Zo-Zo.

- Whoo!

- Tell us what the mansion was like.

Do you get to keep dresses

from the show?

No, they're hired.

But, guys, listen, because the birds

outside were flying around in circles

Hope you had your mouth

closed this time, babe.

What does bird sh*t taste like, Zoe?

It is perfectly fine to be afraid of birds

after what you've been through.

The ground was shaking,

and then all of these little cracks

Remember the time she cried wolf

about a gas leak in the chemistry labs

to get out of the exam?

"Oh, can you smell that?"

Please, listen! Please, listen!

Or when she said

she met Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

[all laughing]

Or when she got caught smoking

and the fire alarm went off,

so she told Sister Bicky

The f*cking Earth is cracking open

and gushing everywhere!

And I'm not crazy.

I was just given a bad edit.

[all quieten, music stops]

[Fabolous: "Bad Bitch"]

- Zoe

- [Saskia] Are you okay?

Uh Uh

Hey, you've been through a lot.

Why don't you just take a minute?

Go and splash some water on your face.

Yeah. Yep.

[Saskia] Yeah. Off you go.

God, I love a sequel. [laughing]

What's wrong with you?

Put your phone away. She's clearly unwell.

Okay, Sas.

As if you wouldn't have been

all over that sh*t at school.

I was a c**t in high school, Sandy.

Some of us grow out of it.

See? I told you she's changed.

It's fine, Zoe. It was just some

weird weather at Dad's place,

and it's not even happening here.

No cracks, no water explosions.

It's totally fine.

And they're right. They're right.

You have been through a lot.

And you do tend to exaggerate.

And you do make drama.

Even though you totally did meet JTT.

But that is not the point. The point is

that everything is going to be fine

and you're going to go out there

and you're going to be normal

and you're going to have fun.

Mm!

And you're going to stop talking

to yourself in the mirror.

[sighs]

I can't have BO on my forehead.

I just can't.

[laughs]

[sniffs]

- It's the hats.

- The hats?

It's the stupid scratchy hats.

[exhales]

- [door creaks]

- Oh!

- [Zoe] Hey!

- Hey.

[Zoe] Hi!

Zoe, are you okay?

- You just You seem

- [Zoe] Batshit crazy?

Yeah, I know.

Um, I think it's just, like,

six months off the grid, you know?

My sense of humor's

a bit, bit funky. [chuckles]

Okay, good.

Um, I'm glad you're okay. I'm gonna go.

[Zoe] Um, Amelia, hang on.

- Hi.

- [both chuckle]

How are you?

How have you been for, like, you know,

every minute of every day

for the last ten years?

Not much to tell, really, um

Danny and I took over the farm

from my parents, so we're still there,

farming peanuts.

Danny? Like, "Danny" Danny?

Cool.

But I also have

a half-finished online law degree.

That's awesome.

Laying it out like that,

that sounds really f*cking depressing.

So, yeah, I'm glad you're okay.

I'm just, I'm really

You can't go out there, actually.

Because, um

Because I need you to sniff my forehead.

[laughs]

I'm serious, because they're all

talking sh*t about me out there

and it's the only thing

that makes me feel better,

- so come on, do it.

- I'm not going to sniff your forehead.

Sniff it. I need you to, please.

- It's so weird.

- Please.

- It's weird.

- Please. It makes me feel so much better.

- No.

- Come on.

Come on, sniff it.

[gasps] Oh, you f*cking did it!

Oh, my God, Zoe! You made me do that.

- You

- Ah!

Please, just stay here.

Because I don't want

the CliffsNotes of your life. Okay?

You can go back out there,

back to the farm,

back to real life, any old time,

but for now, please, just stay

and have a drink with me.

It's been a decade.

[Amelia] One drink.

- Excellent.

- [Amelia] Then I have to go.

- Fine, but I'm keeping these for now.

- [keys jingle]

Are Tegan and Megan still here?

Uh, yeah, last I heard,

they were out on the fingering bench.

Fantastic. Then I will see you shortly,

you friggin' weirdo.

[dance music playing]

[door closes]

[Megan] You riding a unicorn

that's peeing itself on a pink cloud.

[gasps]

Oh, sh*t, it's the gracious

runner-up herself.

Thought you were MIA.

- Tegan.

- [clicks tongue]

Megan.

Oi.

Do you remember a chick from our year

called Laura Cunningham?

Uh

- No, why?

- She d*ed, dude.

- Yeah, look, there's a sad little plaque.

- Buh-bam.

Some b*tches getting married,

some popping out kids,

this chick is getting hymens

wiped all of her memorial plaque

every time there's a school disco.

R.I.P.

Sad.

Um

Do you have anything stronger?

- Ooh!

- Okay.

You want to go up or down, girlfriend?

Up. Real fast.

Fast enough to forget how badly

I interpreted the dress code, right?

- Look, no payment necessary.

- Oh!

What you did on The Match was peak TV.

- I was living.

- Oh, living. [laughs]

Happy to be of service.

Thanks.

Um

Is everything good out here?

f*cking A. Beautiful spot

to avoid those judgmental b*tches.

Great.

Laura Cunningham,

I bequeath this joint upon thine lips.

[laughs]

- Puff, puff, puff.

- [mock coughing]

[both giggling]

[Scissor Sisters:

"I Don't Feel Like Dancing"]

- Better?

- Damn f*cking yes, b*tches!

[all cheering]

[inaudible]

Ooh, wow.

No, I wouldn't call myself a hero,

but if you want to, that's fine.

I don't understand how you can call me

your best friend and unfollow my dog.

- Doesn't really seem

- Second wind, here I come.

Ugh!

[laughing]

Oh, my God, and

But it's more than that

And it's like, being a doctor,

like, it's, it's not a job for me,

you know what I mean?

It's more of a vocation.

Uh, Sandy, there's a line.

- Settle down, Pepé Le Poo.

- Don't call me that.

Well, don't sh*t yourself at grade-nine

camp and we won't have to, PLP.

She wasn't even here in grade nine.

[Amy Winehouse:

"Tears Dry on Their Own"]

It's like you never left

oh, captain, my captain.

Actually, um, on that topic

Ooh, Too Cools in the photobooth.

Wait for me, fellow TCs.

[all exclaiming]

[The Ting Tings: "That's Not My Name"]

Why do white women always feel

the need to do sh*t like this?

[song continues]

Hey, Zoe.

Can I grab my keys?

I need to I need to go.

You can't leave. It's the dance.

I don't know the dance.

I wasn't here, remember?

It's okay, it's fine.

We'll teach you. It's super easy.

Not all of us are willing

to make a fool of ourselves

for excitement's sake, Zoe.

I guess I should just be grateful that

you're actually saying goodbye this time

instead of just disappearing, huh?

Can I get my keys, please, Zoe?

Do you know how that felt, Amelia?

Getting shafted between my parents,

and then you just ghosted me, too?

I don't know what I was

expecting from you.

Oh, yeah, no, cool.

Cool, just bail.

Because that's what you do. See ya.

[song continues]

- [music ends]

- [all groaning]

What the f*ck?

Um

We have a a situation

at the fingering bench.

Uh, just checking,

you guys see it too, right?

'Cause either there's water everywhere

or this THC really is the f*cking tits,

- you know?

- [laughs, whoops]

[screaming] Oh, my f*cking God!

[all screaming]

[Genevieve] Guys, guys.

Ladies of Ridge Heights!

Let's stay calm!

It's just a flash flood.

Pepé, we're on top of a f*cking mountain.

- I don't think we're tripping.

- No, old classic, eh?

[both laughing]

f*ck!

[both yelling]

No, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Well, someone's gotta help them.

They're clearly off their faces.

There might be diseases

and stuff in the water.

Uh, medically speaking,

it's a bad idea, right, Renee?

Uh

Yes. Medically speaking, don't do it.

- It's okay.

- Zoe.

Wait up, Sas.

[all murmuring]

Yeah. Yes.

Come. Come.

I'm too young and beautiful to

[growls]

[all screaming]

[both screaming]

[Megan] Don't abandon us, I'm scared!

I just farted out of my butthole.

Well, I guess we can't go in the water.

[indistinct chatter]

- I have an idea.

- Melly was f*cking there right after me.

It's fuchsia, not salmon.

Shut up, Sandy.

Ladies! Stop!

As former school captain,

I believe the best course of action

is to leave Tweedledum and Tweedledickhead

up there until the waters go down.

Wait, Pepé, weren't you

caretaker school captain?

Stop calling me that.

Are you going to say anything, Saskia?

Little nickname still sticks.

Yeah. Don't call her that.

Okay. I cannot find my f*cking bag,

and no one is helping me look.

- [overlapping chatter]

- It's not the most important thing.

It is important right now.

I have an idea.

[all stop talking]

What if we tied all the balloons

from the party together

and place the trestle table

on top of some kind of flotation device?

Sorry. Who are you?

Laura Cunningham.

Wait, aren't you dead?

Uh, n No, no.

[Genevieve] Uh, yes, you are.

We put a memorial plaque

on the fingering bench and everything.

Oh, that's nice.

But I'm not dead.

Wouldn't you have figured that out

when you realized there was no funeral?

Which means no one came to my funeral.

- [grunts]

- [all wince]

- sh*t, sorry, Caitlin.

- It's Laura.

Net balls will be way more buoyant

than balloons,

so why don't we raid the sports shed

for all of the net balls that we can find?

And find my bag.

It's a D'Amiré. I

[sobbing]

- Zoe

- Net balls! Let's go

[sighs in pain]

- I can't do it.

- [Tegan] Yes, you can.

Just move your fat ass

and inch down like I did.

f*ck you, Tegan.

Not all of us have man arms like you.

Well, f*ck you. Stay there.

Believe in yourself!

Just don't panic!

Slow down your breathing. It'll help!

- Zoe.

- Just start backing down, Megan.

Zoe, you said something

about cracks rumbling?

What if there's biting dolphins, huh?

- What?

- I'm Mmm.

What did you mean when you said

the Earth was gushing?

The seal's not there anymore, Megan.

Can we talk about this

a little bit later, please?

I'm kind of busy right now.

Not the seals, the biting dolphins!

What's she talking about?

Now I'm blanking.

Zoe.

- Please. Come on!

- [crying]

Oh, the ones that got, like, a pig face.

And they look a bit,

"Eh, how are you going?"

- Zoe, what did you mean?

- Shut up.

Oh, oh, oh, dugongs!

[all] Dugongs!

Dugong! Yes, a f*cking dugong!

Zoe, please. What was leaking?

Oh, my God. Fine, fine.

Okay? All of this f*cking

weird sh*t was going down,

and then these cracks started

opening up in the ground,

and all this water was gushing out, okay?

[all encouraging]

You knew it was f*cking flooding

and you didn't think to say anything?

What? I did. I tried to tell you.

Nobody listened to me.

You all thought I was crazy.

- [all yelling]

- Just lower yourself like Tegan!

- No, Zoe. You just got drunk.

- You can do it.

Just f*cking jump!

[screams]

[all gasp]

[inhales deeply]

[cheering]

This is going well.

It's going really well.

[all yelling]

- [Tegan] Say what?

- [all chanting] Net, over.

- Net, net, over.

- Uh-huh.

- Net, over.

- Let's go. Net

Amelia, hey, what's wrong?

She knew.

She knew it was flooding,

or gushing, actually,

if you consult Zoey's thesaurus.

Yeah, okay, I knew

some weird sh*t was going on.

I told you guys that.

I didn't know Noah's bloody Ark

was coming up the hill, did I?

You knew?

- You knew?

- She just got wasted anyway.

- Hang on.

- Oh, my God, America!

Does anybody know

what is happening in the Americas?

I need to find Constable!

Where the hell is my bag?

- It is a

- [all] D'Amiré.

Jesus, we f*cking know.

For God's sake, Zoe,

you should have screamed black and blue.

Plus, you owe us 40 bucks for the pill.

Yeah, you don't get freebies

when you knew sh*t and didn't say sh*t.

I did say sh*t!

[all groaning]

[Zoe] What? Okay. Yeah, fine. Sure.

I knew something was up, but, like,

isn't it better that we're up here

instead of out there?

- Huh.

- Like, me not harping on about it

actually is kind of the best

possible thing for us.

Like, I kind of saved our lives.

[all groaning]

You know what?

That dude on The Match was right, Zoe.

You're just

an attention-craving fame whore.

Good to see you haven't changed a bit.

[laughs] I haven't changed?

[laughing]

That's a good one, Sandy.

I have been back with you b*tches

for one night,

and already I know

that Genevieve is still a f*cking knock.

Saskia is still a bitch.

She's just got a marketing team

to hide behind now.

Renee is still a freaking try-hard.

Phoebe is a soulless workaholic.

Tegan and Megan,

still f*cking drug addicts.

Laura, who even are you, honestly?

- [cracking continues]

- Sandy, what are you even doing here?

You went to the school for one year

and shat on it the whole time.

- Like, why did you come?

- [whimpers]

And you

You're a disappointment.

You were supposed to be remarkable.

And now you're a redneck

peanut farmer living in bumfuck nowhere

with your dead sh*t

high school sweetheart.

Honestly, if I don't see you again

for another ten years,

it's f*cking fine by me.

[cracking]

- [shattering]

- [all gasp]

[rumbling]

[all screaming]

[all screaming]

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

[whimpering in fear]

[Zoe whimpering]

- [Amelia grunting]

- Pull me back, pull me back!

[Amelia grunts]

[Zoe panting]

Mels.

[low rumbling]

[Zoe] What?

[soft music playing]

[Zoe] Oh, almost forgot.

[keys drop in water]

- [splashes]

- Oh, sh*t!

[exhales]

[Gwen Stefani: "The Sweet Escape"]