01x05 - The People Vs Saskia

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

[all cheering]

[Phoebe] Whoever said this sh*t

was comfortable was a f*cking misogynist.

Light up your leggings!

[all cheering]

Since this bitch is so obsessed

with her hair,

what do you say we shave it the f*ck off?

[all cheering]

[Amelia] Whoa! Whoa!

[fire crackling]

What the hell is going on?

Justice.

We've convicted Saskia of Sandy's m*rder,

and now it's time she paid the price.

Shave it off.

[Amelia] Sorry,

did you just say "convict"?

How can you convict someone

if you haven't had a trial?

Oh, stop being a narc, Amelia.

- And that's coming from me.

- [all laugh]

[Amelia] No, really, I want to know

how does this justice system work?

Is it a head shave and some probation,

and then you're just gonna glue the hair

back on if she wins an appeal?

She needs to be punished.

And if that means we need

to have a frickin' trial,

then fine, we'll have a frickin' trial.

[Renee] Yeah.

Law & Order, Ridge Heights style!

[singing Law & Order theme music]

[all vocalizing]

[all jeering]

[all booing]

[mouthing]

[jeering continues]

[Genevieve] Oyez, oyez!

[all quieten]

Saskia Vanderbeek

is a m*rder*r.

[all gasp]

The evidence presented at this trial

will show unequivocally

that she k*lled

poor, humble exchange student

Cassandra Cooper-Reid.

[all murmuring]

- God, I miss true crime so much.

- Oh, my God, me, too.

All I need is some Pad See Ew,

a bottle of my brightest shellac polish

and this is like

my Wednesday night ritual.

Exhibit A.

A farewell letter supposedly

written by our American friend,

and yet it is riddled

with Australian spelling.

Exhibit B.

The D'Amiré bag,

Sandy's most prized possession

and something we, her peers, know

that she would never leave without.

- [all murmuring]

- [Genevieve] And Exhibit C.

An eyewitness that saw Saskia

at the scene of the crime

the very night that Sandy went missing.

Let's make her reuse one tampon

- until she gets toxic shock syndrome!

- [all cheer]

Okay, this is hardly a fair trial.

Let's give her backhanded compliments

- until she suffers from poor self-esteem!

- [all cheer]

I mean, it's not like

it's an impartial jury.

This is like

the f*cking Salem Witch Trials.

Hey, great idea.

Burn her at the stake!

[all cheering]

- Stop!

- [all quieten]

Come on, Genevieve.

This is an absolute joke.

You don't even have one of the most

crucial components of the judicial system.

What are you talking about?

We've already assigned the court artist.

No, I'm talking about the defence lawyer.

Oh, as if anyone's going to defend

a monster like Saskia.

Any takers, ladies?

G-U-I-L-T-Y!

[all] She ain't got no alibi.

She guilty. Hey, hey, she guilty.

I'll do it. I'll defend her.

What, sorry? Beg your pardon?

Now is not the time to realise

your unfulfilled legal career, Amelia.

Yeah. You sure you want to do that?

Yes. Yes, everyone deserves a fair trial,

even Saskia.

[all murmuring]

Right. Let's decide on the legal system.

Are we doing civil or common?

Is mediation on the table

No, we're doing TV law, okay?

We say what we think,

and then at the end,

everyone gets to vote on

whether they reckon Saskia

is guilty or not.

Yeah, and then we're going

to drown her in the pool.

[all cheering]

Okay, well, before that, I need a recess

to confer with my client

- and a judge to grant one.

- Fine.

[mouthing]

Forgettable Laura, you're it.

What? Why me?

Because everyone shits on you equally,

so you'll be impartial.

[Laura] Court adjourned

until, uh

later?

[indistinct chatter]

Um

[sighs]

Oi!

Sas! What's our plan?

Do you know what went through my head

last night after they ambushed me?

I don't know. Probably something about

pretending not to talk to a mop?

Relief. I don't have to be

this person any more.

That's all well and good for you

and your Natalie Portman cheekbones,

but we both know that

if they shave my head,

I'm going to look like Sir Ben Kingsley.

So, come on, please. What's our story?

[Saskia] The truth is freeing, Zoe.

Just let it play out.

Sas, they have a witness.

If they saw you, then they saw me, too.

Oh, sh*t!

[Amelia] You said Phoebe's been

blackmailing you, right?

There's got to be something

about that in here.

Why are you doing this?

I did ask for a bitch.

And I got one.

It's only now that I can see

what toll that took on you.

[Saskia] It did take a toll.

Really freaked me out

how easily it came back, too.

- And when Sandy

- La, la, la, la, la.

I don't want to hear anything

I can't unhear, okay?

You know what?

In fact, let's just go with the old

"you keep your lips sealed" strategy.

Just let me do the talking.

Chicago style. Time to Razzle Dazzle them.

Oh, alas, the brew hath not breweth.

But you can't expect me

to sit through Legally Blonde IRL

without a drink.

Oh, hell, no.

- What? What? Oh, my God.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's her again.

No, it was just a really big crow

flying past. Yeah.

It's a third sighting this week.

Sister Bicky is haunting us.

Megan, what are we going to do?

[breathing heavily] Okay.

Well, the only thing we can do.

- Exorcism.

- Sleep with the lights on.

- What?

- We're gonna need some holy water.

[Zoe] Dear b*tches,

don't be mad I've left. I

realised Oh!

Not Queen's English, dum-dum.

Realised with a "Z".

- Do you have

- [gasps]

Tampering with evidence,

are we, huh? Tight.

What?

No! That's How dare you?

[chuckling] Zoe, I saw you that night,

running after Saskia like a little lapdog.

But, you know, when Genevieve asks

for my eyewitness statement,

I could say

that I only saw Saskia.

Have you ever had a normal

human interaction in your life, Phoebe?

One where you weren't bending

the other person over the whole time?

[in robot voice] Does not compute.

[in normal voice] No, I have not.

Electric Blue by lunchtime.

You know, if I can save Saskia

with this letter,

maybe I can save myself too.

You sound very confident, Ally McBeal,

but do we have a deal?

Like I have a choice.

Honestly, I'm just surprised

that you didn't f*ck me over sooner,

- so thank you for that, I guess.

- You're so welcome,

my sweet Zoe.

I've been so busy bending over

much bigger fish.

Wait.

What does "Electric Blue" mean?

[Genevieve] And tell me, Megan,

is this the letter you found

while looking for mushrooms with Tegan?

Oh, yes, but can we speed this up?

Some of us have things to do.

Like everyone else who bailed

on this sh*t.

Would you read the letter out,

please, Megan?

"Dear b*tches.

Please don't be mad I've left.

- "I realised"

- Let me cut you off there.

Please spell out that last word.

- I. It's spelled with a f*cking "I".

- No, "realised."

[Megan] Fine. R-E-A-L-I-Z-E-D

Hah! Australian spelling.

Wait, what? I don't

I swear this had an "S" not a "Z" in it.

Well, obviously, it's been tampered with.

[Laura] Oi! You're supposed to wait

for me to dismiss you!

[Amelia] It's okay. I have

no further questions for the witness.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Genevieve,

but you claim that the note

has been tampered with?

Absolutely.

Right, so, I mean, shouldn't it

then be thrown out as evidence?

It still proves foul play

because the bag's here and Sandy's not.

Right. Right, right, right, right.

[instrumental "Razzle Dazzle" playing]

So the contents of the letter

remain relevant,

- spelling aside?

- Yes.

Yes, so Sandy did write it

and it hasn't been tampered with?

[Genevieve] No, I mean, it's forged.

[Amelia] Okay, so it's not not

been tampered with?

- Is that what you're saying?

- [Genevieve] What?

No, yes, it's not It's, yes, been

Stop mixing my words.

What, indeed, Genevieve?

Beyond reasonable doubt?

The prosecution can't even tell you

whether this letter is evidence or not.

- Throw it out, Judge Forgettable Laura.

- [Genevieve] Objection!

She's trying to Razzle Dazzle me.

And her blazer is too flashy.

It's actually quite distracting.

[Laura] Overruled.

I don't know what just happened, but

she b*at you.

Fine.

Then I call my eyewitness.

Doesn't fit.

Objection. Relevance?

None. I've just always wanted to do that.

Phoebe, can you please tell

the ladies of the court

what you saw the night

that Sandy went missing?

I was on the outskirts of the campus,

looking for reception

under the soft glimmer of the moonlight.

[gasps]

What's that?

Sandy's cries echoing on the wind.

Objection.

- Yeah, stop milking it.

- Fine.

- I saw Saskia and

- [Zoe clears throat]

And she was walking away

from the water's edge where the boat was.

Alone.

[sighs]

And that was the last time

anyone saw Sandy.

[all murmuring]

- That's not what happened.

- Shh. Stop talking.

[Genevieve]

No further questions, Your Honour.

Tell me, Phoebe,

did you see Saskia m*rder Sandy?

Well, she was walking

from the water's edge

So what you really saw was a woman

walking through the school grounds.

You say potato,

I say m*rder*r.

[all murmuring]

Phoebe

You found Sandy's D'Amiré bag

weeks ago, didn't you?

[all gasp]

What?

- I don't recall.

- But you do remember the,

what was it, the glimmer of moonlight?

It's very convenient.

I assert that you found

that bag weeks ago.

In which case, why didn't you say anything

when we were all looking for Sandy?

Because she was f*cking annoying,

and it was peaceful without her.

Or did you find the bag

and use it to your advantage?

- I don't follow.

- What did you do with the bag, Phoebe?

- I remind you that you are under oath.

- We actually didn't do the oath bit.

I took it to Saskia.

[all gasping]

[Phoebe] Oh, come on.

As if you're shocked.

I found the bag,

I took it to Saskia, and we made a deal.

And if any of you had watched The Wire,

then you'd know it was f*cking worth it.

So you admit it. You extorted Saskia.

[Phoebe] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did.

I blackmailed her,

and I'd f*cking blackmail her again, too.

[Genevieve] Well, that's proof.

The fact that Saskia is blackmailable

at all says she's guilty.

No, the only thing that you have

proven here today, Genevieve,

is that your star witness

is a g*dd*mn crook.

In fact, once we're done with Saskia,

we should be prosecuting Phoebe next.

What?

[Amelia] We should be charging her

with extortion,

embezzling Mooncups, battery gauging.

This isn't about Phoebe!

It's about what a f*cking bitch Saskia is!

[all quieten]

[Amelia] And there you have it, ladies.

The real reason that we are all here.

Your Honour

I implore you to dismiss this case

on the basis

that it is nothing more than Genevieve's

personal vendetta against Saskia

for a bit of high school bullying.

You're right.

It's f*cking personal.

One time.

One f*cking time,

she heard me do a sh*t at school.

And do you think she ever

let me live that down?

No.

No, instead, she followed me

into the bathrooms

any chance she could,

and she would just wait

[giggles]

like a f*cking psycho.

Saskia would just wait there

listening for a plop,

until plop I could no more.

- [all laugh]

- It's not funny.

Do you know what fecal impaction does

to a teenage girl's bowels?

I needed heat packs, pelvic floor physio,

my mum had to pay for psychologists

to help me with the constant

rumination of planning

when, where, how I'd sh*t in public.

I have suffered because Saskia Vanderbeek

thought it would be funny

to make me a prisoner of my own body.

So you can all laugh

and call me Pepé Le Poo,

but I still live with this every day.

She was abusive.

[sniffles] There's no other word for it.

I'm sorry that happened to you, Genevieve.

But Saskia is not on trial

for being a bad person.

Her character is not relevant.

Oh, really? Isn't a m*rder*r

just a really bad bully?

You told everyone that my mum had

to sell her hair to pay for my tuition.

She was going through chemo, Saskia.

Yeah, I'm really sorry, Phoebe.

You made me skip meals with you

until I became anaemic.

- I know. I know I did.

- Saskia, let's not admit to

Guys, this was kind of my moment.

You pretended like

I didn't exist for five years.

You started a rumour that I was born

with an extra Y chromosome.

And that my favourite Destiny's Child

was Michelle.

- Oh, that one's f*cked.

- You said I was too fat for dressage,

that the horse should ride me.

Yeah, I know.

And there's no excuse for any of it.

Saskia, please, just let me handle this.

You screamed at me

when I wore Ugg boots with short skirts

because you said that that was your look.

It was everyone's look, Sas.

Okay, Forgettable Laura,

bang your little hammer.

I racked up a $200 bill

on my dad's work phone

texting the Australian Idol number

because you said

that you would k*ll yourself

if Paulini was voted out.

- [Amelia] Teresa, please,

- Oh, how can I possibly forget?

You told them to cut off my f*cking toe!

[Laura] Order! Order!

Let's take lunch.

We can reconvene after, but first

You never did your part

of the group assignments and that

meant my work was always marked down.

I had to repeat year nine

again.

You took Zoe from me.

I'm not sure I ever got over that.

Just, please,

stay silent.

In the name of the Father,

the Son, and the Holy Spirit,

I command you to

Scull!

[upbeat music playing]

Scull, scull! Scull! Scull! Scull! Scull!

[laughing]

[Tegan groans]

What you got? What you got?

A pulpy vintage

- with a subtle hint of guilt.

- Really?

Because I was getting

[sniffs] sweaty Jesus

with strong daddy issues aromas,

do you know what I'm saying?

Let me taste again.

Let me taste again. [giggles]

In the name of the Mother,

the Daughter, and the Mercury rising

Oh, f*ck!

It's her again.

Megan, we got too distracted

by the church wine.

We forgot to look for the Holy Water.

[slurping]

I've seen you chug beer out of a shoe

too many times to count.

Park your judgement.

[continues slurping]

- For your Wednesday-night ritual.

- What?

- You are f*cking smashing it, mate.

- Thank you.

- I'm pretty good at this.

- Yeah, you are.

Go get her, Amelia Finch.

Like Atticus Finch?

I got it.

I call my next witness Zoe Miller.

Wait, what?

How well do you know the defendant?

Um, yeah, pretty well.

[all groan]

Not like super well, though.

How well does anyone really know anyone?

[burps]

Excuse me.

Butch Melanie, don't draw my burps.

Would you consider yourself

part of Saskia's click, the Too Cools?

[groans]

- What?

- [all murmuring]

[burping]

sh*t, Zoe.

I thought you were just being dramatic.

[burps] Mm-mm.

Thought I'd throw you up here

and you'd be fine.

No. Got the nerps.

Nervous burps. Listen, Amelia.

I know we're, like, just making up.

Such a gross term.

I really want to help you. It's just that

a lot of sh*t coming up for me right now.

You know? [burps]

Like, literally sh*t's coming up.

Speak up. We can't hear you.

I said a lot of sh*t

is coming up for me right now.

The last time I was on the stand,

the judge made me

choose which parent I wanted to live with,

so I just need a minute.

[burping]

Oh.

[continues burping]

Objection. This is gross and has nothing

to do with Saskia murdering Sandy.

Yeah, let's just throw her

off the bell tower.

[all cheering]

Chop her up!

Hey.

Guys.

the bell tower and it's done.

- Hey!

- [all quieten]

Yeah, okay.

- Saskia can be a bitch.

- [all muttering]

But don't pretend like you

haven't all benefited from that.

Okay? Because this is a two-way street.

She led and we followed.

I am living-proof.

We put women like Saskia up on pedestals,

and then the minute they stumble,

we f*cking relish it.

But we don't expect the same kind

of exceptionalism for men.

Do we?

We don't prosecute them

for every tiny little f*ck-up.

No, they get promoted. They get podcasts.

They get their pick of 12 f*cking hotties

on national television,

even though they've got

the personality of a carrot.

High school fucks all of us up,

and Saskia is no different.

Yeah, okay, Genevieve, she bullied you.

That sucks. She was a c**t.

But we wouldn't even be here having

this stupid trial in the first place

if Saskia hadn't kept us alive

long enough to do it.

And nobody else here can say that.

Do we slow clap?

Not the time.

I would like to say something.

It's time the truth came out.

- No.

- Recess. I request an immediate recess.

Well, just take one then.

Let's go.

She's feeling guilty.

And she's feeling the heat.

f*ck.

[Megan] And the Lord said to thee

that the potato will be the most divine

of all the vegetables,

for it shall make chips and hash browns.

Dude, stop preaching about potatoes

and come up with an incantation

to help us find this sh*t.

You know, like,

"Mother Mary, Full of Grace,

help us find a parking space."

[laughs] Hey! Okay. I got you.

I got you. Okay, um

- Give me a b*at.

- All right.

[beatboxing]

Blessed Virgin with the sexy saunter

Help us find ♪

[both] The Holy Water ♪

Slay.

- [Megan continues rapping]

- [Tegan beatboxes]

[Tegan stops]

Hey, what the hell?

I was going to do a slut drop.

[Tegan] I didn't know

there was a toilet here?

[toilet flushes]

What, do you think because

a priest pissed in there,

the toilet water's holy or some sh*t?

Do you hear yourself?

Toilet, uh, water.

[gasps]

- And Genevieve knew about it.

- What the f*ck?

Pepé has a secret shitter.

I object.

[Zoe] Time to bail, Zo-Zo.

It's set sail, baby.

Oh! No, no, no. What the f*ck?

What the f*ck?

f*ck you, Super Glue. You don't do sh*t.

[whines]

[sighs]

All right.

Time to face the clippers, Zo-Zo.

[Saskia] Zoe is right.

High school really fucks you up.

This place really sucked me back in.

I didn't k*ll Sandy.

But I did push her out to sea,

and that's pretty much

as good as k*lling her, isn't it?

For that, I should be punished.

But, for as powerful as you think I am

there is always someone above you.

And I know what it's like

to have that power taken from you.

[soft music playing]

For the last year of school,

I was in a secret relationship

with Mr. Garrity.

Although I've actually learned

I wasn't the only one.

There are words, really extreme words,

that therapists have used

to describe what happened to me,

and I never related to them

until coming back here.

Sometimes I think it would be easier

if he were a monster because the days

The days where I believed

that he loved me are

the shittest ones. [chuckles]

Because I know now

that he couldn't possibly have loved me.

And I'm not making excuses.

I've done unforgivable things

to every single one of you.

It's just being back here

has made me really f*cking angry, and I

Yeah, I took it out on all of you,

and it's not fair.

But what is?

There's something I need to say.

[both] J'accuse!

Genevieve's got a secret toilet.

[all gasp]

Can you blame me after everything

Saskia put me through?

And, I'm sorry,

that was a lovely little speech,

but Saskia was a bitch before grade 12.

[Phoebe] Be that as it may, Pepé,

we've been blowing mud

into literal mud for months.

And after all this time,

you've had your own private pisser?

And she's been hiding triple-ply.

[indistinct shouting]

So sue me!

- Vote cast!

- [thumps crutch]

We said that we'd vote,

so f*cking scream if you think

that we should shave

both Saskia and Genevieve's head.

- What?

- [all screaming]

Yes, yes, yes!

- You are dead!

- Shave bitch. Shave!

[all yelling]

The reign of terror ends now!

[Laura screaming]

[rhythmical music playing]

Please, please, it's just a toilet.

She actually k*lled someone.

Nothing tastes as good as baldness.

[laughing]

[indistinct shouting]

[Zoe] Shouldn't we do

something about this?

[Amelia] There's not much we can do.

Justice, as they say, has been served.

I don't do it. I don't do cardio.

What's the word for when someone

does something really shitty,

and gets away with it?

[Amelia] Scot-free?

I know, right?

Saskia kills someone

and only cops a haircut.

[shouting continues]

[all chanting]

Shave! Shave! Shave!

[all cheering]

[person whistles]

[all quieten]

Girls!

What in heck do you call this abomination?

- [Tegan grunts]

- [all gasp]

The power of Christ compels you.

What the f*ck, guys?

Oh, no, don't worry. She's just a ghost.

Oh, sh*t.

I think we just k*lled the teacher.

[hiccups]