01x07 - Party Like it's 1999

[bunniefuu]

[Sister Bicky] We are here today

to mourn the loss

of a very special young woman.

Forgetab

Laura Cunningham, who was the captain

of the debating team.

[Laura clears throat]

Oh, my mistake, dear. Of course.

Formidable cox in the rowing team.

Sorry, Sister. That was actually me.

Uh, back-up dancer

in the "Rock is Dead" vid?

- Before our time.

- Oh, Christ on a bike,

- just hit the tape, Genevieve.

- [snickering]

Amazing grace ♪

How sweet the sound ♪

Nice of you to mourn me, ladies.

- [rock music playing]

- [all gasp]

Oh, no.

- Just a pity I'm not dead.

- This is actually for me.

- [screaming]

- No, no, no.

[Renee] Run, Saskia!

I can explain. I've changed.

That's okay. I can pivot.

- Yah!

- [all groaning]

- Figures. Revenge kick to the c**t.

- Totes justified.

No, no, no, no, Sandra Dee, Sandra Dee,

you don't have to do this.

Whoa. Hey, Sandy. Whoa!

What has Zoe ever done to you, huh?

- Are you serious? She

- Okay!

I

- I

- [Sandy] Spit it out, Zoe!

I helped Saskia push Sandy out to sea.

- [Sandy] There it is.

- [all gasp]

- And you've just been sitting on this?

- I know, I hate myself.

Especially after everything

we put Saskia through?

- [Zoe] I wish I was dead.

- [groaning]

What's wrong with you

[all exclaim]

Son of a bitch!

In the back, Sandy? You kidding me?

You're a backstabbing bitch, Zoe.

Backstabbing b*tches get backstabbed.

And you!

Me? What did I do?

Catch on, girls. Catch on.

[all screaming]

Hold me down all you like, ladies.

The damage is already done.

Don't you love the smell of smoked lettuce

in the morning, girls?

Oh, sh*t. The crops!

Sorry.

Well, they do say revenge

is a dish best served char grilled.

I just came back to f*ck you all up

and starve you out,

so if someone would kindly return

my D'Amiré bag, I will be on my way

and Teresa will be coming with me.

- [groans]

- Sandy, what is your problem?

Yeah, Sandy, what the hell?

[all groaning]

[coughs]

Oh, it stinks.

Seagull.

Goes down smooth,

doesn't always stay there.

What's out there, Sandy?

- How's the market?

- Is Brisbane gone?

Is there anything left?

There's nothing, okay?

Just endless f*cking ocean.

[groans]

Hey, Mels.

Does that mean that my embryos are gone?

Mels, could you Little help here?

Yeah, no.

That's not something

that I can help you with.

In fact, uh, ladies,

just a public service announcement.

Zoe is not to be helped, okay?

If she asks you to take the Kn*fe

out of her backstabbing back,

- please politely decline.

- [Megan] Yeah, the old freeze out.

I know what that feels like.

- [Amelia] That is exactly what I mean.

- [Sandy] Okay, what have I missed?

I didn't know what Saskia

was making me do.

- It was pretty obvious.

- And also, I've been stabbed.

- I'm a victim.

- [all] Oh, my God.

Okay, ladies of Ridge Heights,

let's not panic.

Things will regrow in a month,

or three, and in the meantime,

we'll ration these out.

What's 12 cherry tomatoes

divided by the whole class

multiplied by a month?

[girls calculating]

I'm not doing this.

Well, we all know maths

isn't your strong suit, Amelia.

- Anyone else?

- No, I mean,

if this is the last of the food,

if the proposition is half

a f*cking lettuce leaf a day and

if no one is coming to save us, then

I think we're done here, right?

Huh?

What the hell?

No, we're not done here, Amelia.

- Yeah. We should finish my funeral first.

- Excuse me. We're ignoring her.

Oh, sorry.

Come on, guys.

Did we really think that

of all the people on the planet,

we were the only ones

that were meant to survive?

That's, like, the most millennial thing

I've ever f*cking heard.

Yeah, but we know how to do this.

We know how to survive.

We just have to re-plan.

- No.

- We didn't just make fire.

We made electricity, you know?

We're pretty much a week away

from reinventing social media

at this point.

- Come on, guys.

- [Amelia] But it doesn't matter.

Because what's the point?

There's no finish line, right?

When does it end?

We say when it ends.

We survived longer than most,

that's great,

but we're not going to b*at this.

It's a f*cking apocalypse.

Hang on.

Do we really believe that this chick

- survived out at sea by herself?

- Look at her.

[Zoe] Sandy couldn't even go

to the tuck shop alone.

Are we actually going to top ourselves

because this f*cking lunatic claims

that there's no one else out there?

[screeches]

I know we're supposed

to be freezing her out

but are you pitching we k*ll ourselves?

No, I'm pitching that we stop

exhausting ourselves with survival.

It's the same thing.

I'm pitching that, that,

that we actually enjoy ourselves

for one f*cking minute

and then we meet our fate head on.

I'm pitching

I guess I'm pitching

a f*cking farewell party.

Oh, 'cause now you're fun.

[all murmuring agreement]

f*ck it. I'm in.

No, you're coming with me. [grunts]

Sandy, stop!

Everything I've been holding on for

is gone.

My husband, my embryos, my entire life.

Let's cook everything we have left over

in the tuck shop.

None of this watery lentil sh*t.

- I'm in.

- [Tegan] All right. Cool.

I've got some moonshine ready to roll

if you want to up the ante.

- Yes.

- Oh, shut the f*ck up, Tegan.

Um, sorry, guys,

but we are not having a party.

[all groaning]

Thank you, Pepé. Jesus.

Because the party to end

all parties isn't called a party.

It's called a m*therf*cking

end-of-year formal!

[all cheering]

[upbeat pop song playing]

[Genevieve]

Let's talk themes for the formal.

I've already vetoed Under the Sea

because it's too on-the-nose.

And I think what might be better

is A Night in Paris.

Guys, let's not overthink this.

The theme is obviously

Last Night on Earth.

Mmm.

No? I'm sorry. I'm just a bit excited.

I missed the formal the first time around.

You missed the Diplo incident then.

- Uh, Forgettable Laura, shh!

- [all chattering excitedly]

No, no, no

The Diplo incident?

Genevieve was scammed by a fake Diplo

who said he'd DJ our formal

if she collected $20,000

from the student body.

It was a very convincing email chain.

And then Saskia, she got

I asked my dad to book Thirsty Merc

at the last minute,

and people still talk

about that party to this day.

- What?

- So, yeah,

I know I'm not, like, "officially"

on the planning committee,

but if you need any help

No, you're not.

Genevieve, the more, the merrier.

Get in here.

Amazing.

So, guys, this is the last party

that humankind will ever throw,

so I want all your bad ideas.

We could have a buffet

with the last of the food.

I love that, but bigger. A bacchanal!

- Yo, I went to a foam party once.

- Doesn't mean you should do it again.

Foam is a must. As is a fight club.

I've always wanted to f*ck a bitch up.

Ooh, does anybody know how to fight well?

What about a makeup station?

I have always wanted a fringe.

There was a front flip I never landed

in Year 9 P.E.

I'm going to find that mini-tramp.

Prove Mr. Frankopoulous wrong.

Great. We should, um,

we should write this down.

Don't you think?

Uh, committee chair

has right of the whiteboard markers.

- Thank you.

- Oh, okay. Yeah.

I'm just trying to help if it's

Okay, sorry. Yeah.

[blows raspberry] You guys work on that.

I'm going to go find those

unfun mushrooms to cook up.

Who knows?

Maybe I'll even find some fun ones.

Where's that chick been hiding, right?

Don't distract.

Sister, this party, I've begged them

not to go through with it,

but somebody with a bit of authority

needs to put a stop to all this.

Real friggin' mature

for a woman of the cloth.

You know, a freeze out doesn't mean

you literally freeze, right?

Wait. Are you

Are you going to this thing?

f*cking unbelievable.

Can you at least help me

get this Kn*fe out of my back?

If Year 9 religion taught me anything,

it's that your boy JC

was only on the cross for an hour

before they took mercy on him, so

- Six.

- Come again?

My boy JC was on the cross for six hours,

so you have a ways to go.

Useless!

[upbeat pop song playing]

- [Sandy growling]

- [Megan grunting]

[Sandy] Look at you,

struggling without your little sidekick.

At least Tegan would be a match for me.

Tegan is her own person

upon whom I no longer co-depend.

- [grunts]

- [gasps] Whoa! You psycho pirate.

I never did sports, so you better hope

I don't accidentally hit some something

I wasn't aiming for.

[screaming]

Get me Teresa and my bag.

[Megan] Why are you so obsessed

with Teresa?

[bell ringing]

- Ugh.

- How dare you?

Lamington's an Australian delicacy.

[Saskia] What time's your flight again,

you ungrateful sh*t?

[Zoe] Let us call you a cab.

Or better yet, customs.

Someone deport this loser ASAP!

[Saskia] Get out of Australia.

Right now. First flight back.

[Zoe] Pack your bags and leave.

[Amelia] Don't think about

your embryos, Teabag.

Think about the party!

Since you've managed to convince everyone

on this stupid island not to help me,

including a nun, who seems to have

forgotten the virtue of forgiveness,

I guess I'm gonna have to get

this bad boy out myself.

Oh, f*ck.

Ow!

I think she got a nerve or something.

Ah! Yes, you did it. The last chicken.

Great work, Forgettable Laura.

Let's find a cage for it.

I don't want to k*ll it yet.

I have grand plans for you,

my Kentucky fried friend.

Can you hear yourself?

[whistling]

So I'm the bad guy because I pushed

one lousy person out to sea,

and yet you are about

to lead our entire class

into some kind of Jonestown situation,

and you're whistling while you work.

[continues whistling]

Are you okay?

Is this because you're off your meds?

[laughing]

I've been off my meds a day, you dickhead.

What you're actually witnessing, Zoe,

is the lightness of not caring about,

about the future, about survival.

But most importantly about you. [laughs]

I don't have to think about

how much longer we're going to be

stuck here together because

it's just all gonna be over soon.

And I just I can't bloody wait.

Look, I know I let you down, okay?

So, fine, give up on me. No problem.

But please, Mels, don't give up on this.

Don't give up on surviving.

Mushies are ready, Teabag.

Watch your back.

It just sh*t on me.

[chicken clucks]

[rock song playing]

[Zoe] Let's see you b*tches

have a party without music!

[indistinct chatter]

[rock song ends]

[hip-hop song playing]

- [all screaming]

- Teresa!

What the f*ck, Sandy?

[Sandy] Teresa, get back here!

[groans]

Teresa!

Get the hell back in here.

Ugh!

Shut up!

[screams]

- Come on, you little bitch!

- [screams]

- Oh, my God, this is amazing.

- Wow.

What?

[chuckles] Oh, my God!

Yay.

Okay, this almost trumps Thirsty Merc.

Saskia strikes again.

It was actually all Genevieve.

The creative vision, the logistics,

the styling.

I mean, no one else is fit to plan

the last formal in human history. Right?

Good job. [gasps]

Come in!

I just, you know, broke up

some foam pieces for the pit and stuff.

Hey, did you see the graffiti?

It was all Genevieve.

Can you believe it?

This all just came from her head.

- She's a mastermind.

- Just sh*t on me already, would you?

This fake nice bullshit is so much worse.

But I'm not being fake. I'm

Hey, I thought that we were okay.

I am sorry, Genevieve.

Let the b*at drop.

- Whoo!

- [soft pop playing]

[all groaning]

What the hell is this sh*t?

[Genevieve] Christian rock

is all that was left.

Zoe snapped all the CDs.

I had to improvise.

[Tegan] Oh, yeah, okay, improvise

Hey, you're gonna dance

and you're gonna like it, okay?

Five, six, seven, eight, and dance.

Look, I can't change the fact

that I f*cked you up, but

you spent all of high school

making things happen for everyone else.

And I just

I think you deserve to enjoy yourself.

- Okay, but the drink allocations

- Is something I can handle.

Now, scull, Genevieve.

Scull, scull, scull, scull, scull, scull.

[all chanting]

Okay. Okay.

[all cheering]

[all] Scull, scull, scull!

[all] Go, go, go, go!

Whoa!

- [all groan]

- [Tegan laughs]

f*ck you, Franko.

Zero out of ten for skill,

but ten out of ten for lols, right, Megs?

[Tegan] I've got to get my bucket back!

Amelia. Amelia. Please don't do this.

Oh! Did no one tell you, Zoe?

You're not invited.

Megan, this is dumb.

- What?

- [screams]

Her feet are like a vice.

It makes no sense.

Okay. Um

- [screams] f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

- Oh, my God.

Who nipple cripples?

Megan, what do I do?

Do I pull her off or what?

Don't pull her off,

my nips will rip with her!

Okay, um, um

[screaming]

f*cking c**t, you let go!

Not until you let go of Megan.

Why the f*ck do you even care?

You're not even friends anymore.

[screams] Get me Teresa and I'll let go.

Okay, yeah, maybe we weren't friends,

but then I realized everyone sucks.

Took you long enough.

Yes, and I realized, hey, 18-year-old me

thought she wanted more friends.

Oh, my gosh. She's twisting.

Yeah, but then I thought

18-year-old me also thought she liked boys

and that cargo pants

were the height of fashion.

- And I'm really sorry.

- Apology accepted.

- [screams] Get her off.

- [retches]

You two literally make me sick.

[panting]

I am so proud of you for getting sober,

but you should just ditch her

and come to formal with me, okay?

- Really?

- It's the last party ever, so who cares?

Oh, I want to but, if I'm being honest,

I sort of like being off the booze.

I just

I feel things again,

and if this really is the last party ever,

I want to feel that, too.

Wow. Okay.

Ooh! [chuckles]

I didn't think I'd ever say this, but, um,

f*ck it, let's just go sober.

Reckon we can just tie her up again

and leave her?

You're thinking with your noggin.

[clicks tongue]

Start thinking with your nips.

Let's go.

- [all cheering]

- [pop song playing]

[Sandy breathing heavily]

[Zoe] Hey, buddy.

Thought this might

make you feel a bit better.

Just

[Zoe] Um

It was a bit of a dog move,

what Sas and I did to you.

I'm sorry, Sandy. Really.

You can't carry the weak.

[sighing] That's survival. I get it.

Should've seen it coming, really.

The three of you never wanted me around.

[all laughing]

What do you mean, three of us?

Teresa wasn't there

the night we pushed you out.

Exactly.

She never led the charge,

but she never stopped

the two of you from sh1tting

on me either, so

[girls laughing]

[Zoe sighs] Oh, yes!

I'm learning it's the things you don't say

that get you in the most trouble.

Oh, God.

[groans] I keep forgetting.

[chuckles]

[Zoe] Oh, I don't know, Sandy.

I spent my whole life

trying to fit in with those girls.

And now, because of what I did to you,

I've just completely stuffed it up.

But it's not fair that you lose out

just because I'm a desperate numpty.

- So you'll free me?

- Hell, no. [laughs]

Are you kidding me? You've got f*cking

seagull heads around your neck.

No, but us rejects

deserve a last supper, too.

So what do you say I get us some food?

- I presume you're still gluten-free?

- Hmm.

My microbiota is still clean as f*ck.

Great.

- Hey, Zo.

- [Zoe] Mmm?

Thanks for my bag.

It's a D'Amiré, don't you know?

[chicken clucking]

No way.

Hello, mate.

Go on, bud. Go on, mate, be free.

Here. Here we go.

There you go, buddy.

- Go on. Be free.

- [chicken clucks]

[gasps]

Eggies.

Yes. f*cking hell.

Hope you like sunny side up.

f*ck.

Oh! Lady Pirate totally played me.

[squishing]

[grunts] Disgusting, Sandy.

[all cheering]

Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!

- Hey!

- Hi!

You naughty girl! How did you get out?

Want a drink? They're the best.

Drinking is the best.

No, thanks, not drinking right now.

[muffled screams]

Whoo!

Fight club's over there, ladies.

[Teresa] When did you get

so freakishly strong?

[Sandy] Six months, you little bitch!

- [Zoe] Hey!

- [Teresa] Where the hell are we going?

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

If you are planning to k*ll Teresa

just because she never stuck up for you,

at least cover up your vomity footprints,

you dum-dum.

Uh, wrong. Need her alive.

Oh, okay, well, you also can't force her

to live out at sea

until she admits

that she's your best friend

in some kind of

Stockholm syndrome situation.

Wait, wait a second.

What is that?

[gasps]

You went to the party and gorged yourself.

I made us eggs, Sandy.

- What? No, Zoe.

- How thick are you?

No, it's not a food baby.

It's a baby-baby.

That explains the vomiting.

- She's f*cking pregnant, Zoe.

- Wait.

- How?

- How?

Okay, well, when a man and a woman

love each other very much,

and they decide to f*ck you, skank!

Do you know how lonely

it was for me out there?

You'd f*ck a Spanish canoeist

named Raul too.

Wait. That means that there's

not nobody else out there.

That there's at least

a f*cking Raul out there.

- You lied to us, Sandy.

- Yeah, I lied, Zoe. Have you met me?

It was the only way to convince Teresa

to give up on her sad little sea monkeys

and come and raise my kid at sea.

Sandy, you can't just replace my embryos.

No, no, no. Please go back to the bit

about there being

other people alive out there.

- Thank you.

- Why the hell not, Teresa?

Is this not everything

you have ever wanted?

You know what? As far as I'm concerned

you've been a freaking

dumpster fire of a friend

and you basically owe me.

- So, let's go.

- Sandy. Sandy.

Who else is out there?

Oh, people, Zoe. People, okay?

There's disease-riddled cruise ships.

There's floating villages

of cargo freight.

There's a g*ng of kids from Perth

on jet skis that terrorize fatbergians.

Happy? Now get in the boat, Teresa.

- No, no, no! No!

- Sandy!

You're not going anywhere.

You are going to march back up there,

and you're gonna tell those women what

you know before they eat all the food.

[Sandy] Are you joking?

What do I owe those girls, Zoe? Hmm?

A shitty year in bumfuck nowhere

and a gentle push to my death.

The only reason I came back here

is to f*ck you all up,

take Teresa and

[retches]

[screaming]

[gasps]

Whoa, whoa. What the f*cking f*ck, mate?

Zoe, Zoe, Zoe.

You don't need to do that, okay?

Yes, I know. This is incredibly uncool.

I feel very, very yucky about it.

But you left me no choice, Sandy.

Now you come up here

and you tell them the truth.

[music playing]

Hey, everyone,

stop what you're doing and listen.

- T., please come back.

- [Teresa] f*ck this!

Hey, guys, do you remember

when you were really angry with

Do you guys remember

when you were really angry with me

because I didn't tell you

that the world was ending?

Do you remember?

This is like the opposite of that.

Okay? Because

This is like the opposite of that

because there are people out there.

Jesus Christ.

Amelia!

Hey, Amelia. Jesus Christ, Bicky!

[Sandy] Teresa! Teresa!

[Zoe] Amelia!

Testing, testing, un, deux, trois.

All right, dickheads, listen up.

[all cheering]

Amelia, I need to tell you something.

- [all booing]

- [Amelia] Oh, boo!

Who let her in?

All right, ladies. You know the drill.

- Ignore her.

- Amelia

Oh, my God, guys!

Shame!

As you all know, I never got

to make my school captain speech

Amelia!

Oh, my God. Have some respect.

because I ran off

with the groundskeeper

and got knocked up

with triplets, et cetera.

[all cheering]

Uh, anyway, I thought

I would do it now. Yeah!

Amelia!

[clears throat]

Ladies of Ridge Heights.

[all cheering]

What a six months we have had, huh?

Highs, lows.

- Lows

- Massive lows, though,

if we're honest.

But look at us now.

[all cheering]

Standing on the precipice of nothing.

[all cheering]

Staring at our big, bright futures

that do not exist.

But we are not daunted.

So raise your glasses to

to finally getting a fringe

- and oblivion!

- [all cheering]

f*cking fringe? What?

Without further ado,

let me introduce to you ladies,

the guest of honor tonight

the last chicken!

[all cheering]

- [muffled yelling]

- [all shushing]

Let me tell you,

this little lady was not as ready

as us to meet her maker.

- Coward!

- [Amelia] That's right, Genevieve.

Somehow she escaped the tuck shop

and I found her taking

a vengeful little sh*t in the bubblers.

I've sh*t around the place.

But behold, ladies.

Behold the last thing we will ever eat.

[all cheering]

You've left me no choice.

Wet willy, m*therf*ckers!

[screaming]

[all gasp]

[all exclaiming]

[groans]

Guys, Sandy's pregnant!

[all gasp]

And there's still people out there.

[all gasp]

My bad?

So stop f*cking eating.

Okay? Because there's still hope.

We can still survive.

Yay!

Oh, um, that's lovely, dear,

but you've just k*lled the last chicken.

[gasps]

sh*t.

[electronic dance song playing]