01x02 - Scenes from a Crucifixion

[bunniefuu]

Where the f*ck have you been hiding?

I messed up.

- Where you staying?

- Back at the flat.

What, you're squatting?

No, Selby sorted it.

So, Florian Selby's

back in the free world.

- God help us all.

- When the sh*t hits the fan,

sometimes you need a man like Selby.

That's just not true.

I've gotta to work.

I'll make it up to you, yeah?

How are we this fine morning?

Tired. And I've got a

gushing case of the thrush.

Not perfect conditions

for showing my minge.

But, hey, at least we're not homeless.

Heard you got rolled by

the feds the other night.

Yeah, me and the kid got accused

of breaking and entering

into our own home,

which is f*cking madness.

- All sorted now?

- Yep.

Normal service has resumed.

I'm skint and sh*t

out of luck, as usual.

Get on the OnlyFans like everyone else.

No, I don't want that

sh*t on the internet.

I want people to take

my writing seriously.

Okay.

p*ssy check, ladies. Chop, chop.

Writing my confessions ♪

Down in the sand ♪

Pawn the reckless ♪

I got first hand ♪

Costello Jones, isn't it?

- Who the f*ck you are you?

- Sophie Fenster.

I I write for the London Reformer.

I follow you online.

I'm I'm a big fan of

what you write and stand for.

I think you're mistaken, darling.

I don't stand for a f*cking thing.

The rider approaches ♪

Upon the horizon ♪

I don't talk to journalists either.

No, I I get it. We We're awful.

Do you wanna see my fanny?

I'm not here to judge you.

I'm here to pass the mic.

Well, be prepared to

have it returned sticky.

I'd love to do an interview

with you, Costello.

f*ck your interview, I'm a writer.

I tell my own stories. Thank you.

Come on, you f*cking slut.

Okay, well, how about

you write your story?

About working here. In your own words.

Yeah, but I want paying for it.

Well, how much do you want?

Five hundred.

And I'm not writing any sad stories.

I'm not going to be your

liberals' victim of the week.

I think this might be the

break you've been dreaming of.

What is this? A f*cking job center?

Take off your knickers, come on.

- f*ck you, I'll do it.

- Yes.

Yes. Yes.

It was well weird when you weren't here.

Mom went wine crazy.

I think I'm gonna need therapy.

Who do you think you are? Tony Soprano?

Well, I'm more of a Christopher type.

And I don't want none of that CBT crap.

It's Dr. Melfi or nothing.

Oh, you wanna go private, do you?

- Harley Street?

- Yeah.

Well, look it never work

for me, but I can certainly

look into it for you.

How long you going to keep this up for?

I've apologized like 15 times.

- What you apologizing for?

- Dad.

Everything. Taking a selfie

with that hot dead guy.

And getting pissed at work.

Taking the sh*t in the mourners' toilet

and blaming it on the old widow.

- Driving the hearse while high on E that time

- Stop talking.

Do a girl a favor and forgive me.

Good job on him.

How many guests we got?

Poor old bastard

had hardly any family and

no money, so probably none.

But make it nice.

put some music on, in

case someone does show up.

No, don't show them to

Fen, he's a big cheat.

Go easy on him.

So, what was it like

looking after your mom?

Tiring.

It was a nightmare.

I was very frightened.

Sometimes I thought I'd

never get out. Never

get away from her.

Well, it sounds horrible.

Hmm. She made me sleep in a bunk bed.

- Oh, no, that's cool.

- No, it wasn't cool.

Creaked every time I turned over,

the mattress was lumpy

and the sheets scratched my skin.

- What's he saying?

- Nothing.

Now, say "Mahjong."

- Mahjong!

- And take everyone's money.

No. When you win, you

don't say "Mahjong,"

you say, "Hu Le."

So, you lose.

Hu Le!

I saw a werewolf with a

Chinese menu in his hand ♪

Walking through the

streets of Soho in the rain ♪

He was looking for the

place called Lee Ho Fooks ♪

Gonna get a big dish

of beef chow mein ♪

Ah-hoo ♪

Werewolves of London ♪

This looks like my kinda party.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

Nah, it's fine, mate.

Werewolves of London ♪

Ah-hoo ♪

I am sorry for your loss.

Let's get a look at him, then.

You better not let him in ♪

This is the first time

I've seen him in 45 years.

He looks better than I remember.

I'll give you some time alone.

Would you mind staying?

Wanna have a drink with the old man.

Werewolves of London ♪

Start that track again, will you?

He'd have loved it.

As long as you're not

expecting me to dance for you.

Oh, no, no. I don't day drink, no more.

Oh, f*ck it.

I saw a werewolf

with a Chinese menu ♪

To Dad.

Selby, I feel like

I'm in a movie montage.

Oh, that's how I live my life.

Just make sure it's

a good movie, darling.

Mahjong!

Ah-hoo ♪

Is this disrespectful?

From what I remember of him,

this is probably the

only thing I've done

that would've make him proud.

Hello, bubs.

How's the genius writer doing?

Come on, you need a break.

Just need to make sure

that this is really good.

Yes, it will be,

just stick some duck in your

gob and take five minutes.

- Give me a sec.

- Come on!

Can't believe you're writing

for those champagne socialists.

Oh, look, look, look.

The only way they'd let

you into the liberal palace

is if you're bloody cleaning it.

Hmm. I'll just have to

break the locks then.

Here.

Wish we could do this

all again tomorrow.

We can't 'cause Ava's party.

Can we get her a decent present?

Can't get rich people

sh*t from Argos, can you?

I love you.

Love you, too.

Costello,

I've got a new man. He's

old as f*ck, let me in.

- Oh, hey!

- How you doing, all right?

This is Paul.

I can't believe you've done this.

Chill out, you soppy bitch.

Dad was gonna throw

it in the skip anyway.

Selby is here.

Oh, is he?

Well, we aren't afraid of

Florian Selby, are we, Paul?

Maybe. Who's Florian Selby?

Yes, Gloria, who is Florian Selby?

- Some public school prick.

- Objection!

And he just got out of prison.

For protecting Costello, Paul.

This is all very entertaining,

but I do have a deadline

- tomorrow.

- Yes.

Thank you for stopping by.

Absolute pleasure to meet you, Paul.

And, uh If you are planning

intercourse with this one,

may I suggest three condoms.

Two on the cock, one on

the head, just be safe.

Costello, he's insane.

This is why you were locked up, Selby.

Go away!

That's not helping.

Lenny, are you decent?

Aren't you filthy?

Right.

Here we go.

Sir.

We're waiting for you to start.

Ah, yes.

Yes.

Gentlemen

welcome to Punch Club.

First rule of Punch Club,

you don't punch anyone.

Second rule of Punch Club, you do not

punch anyone, seriously,

it defeats the purpose

of you being here.

It's kind of the point.

- The third rule of Punch Club

- What are you doing?

I'm your new group leader.

Oh, God.

What's your name?

- Uh, Selby.

- f*cking dickhead.

- Florian Selby.

- Mm, that's right.

Sit down, please, Florian.

My name is Matt.

And this is a

rehabilitation group for men

who have committed violent crimes.

You should know it is a requirement

of your probation to

regularly attend this group

or you will be returned to prison.

This is no joke.

Would you

Thank you, darling.

I'm writing a thing

for the London Reformer

and they are getting all

the gory details, so

Come on, do your worst.

Be as filthy as you like,

it's all going in my article.

Well, don't they dare change my name.

I'm Lenny Wilson. Proud pervert.

Don't piss on my hard-on.

I may not be famous for my art

but I wanna leave something behind.

What are you doing? You cold?

Oh, no, darling, just nothing worse

than frigid hands on a warm cock.

Tell your readers

why I've been banned from the peep show.

Because it's bad etiquette to

spunk on a peep booth window.

It stains.

Wokeness gone mad.

Not my fault I've got stubborn cum.

Oh.

You are a cleaner, Costello.

You've done such a good job.

You're a real cleaner, aren't you?

Tell me you're a real cleaner,

I've always wanted one.

Yes, I'm a real cleaner.

I mean, it really isn't coming out.

I'll have to get some

white vinegar on it,

- but want me to keep going?

- Mm. Mm.

I knocked my missus around for years.

She always let me back.

But I never changed.

This time though

it's different.

Tell you what it is

Paintball.

I go paintball every Saturday.

sh**t a load of kids,

treat myself to some extra a*mo,

smoke bombs, armed to the teeth.

Get generations of

v*olence out of my system.

Then I go home.

Missus cooks a nice bit of dinner.

We make love.

Lovely.

Oh, my God! I think I prefer prison.

Matthew, who do I need to

suck off to get out of here?

Ugh. It's an awful life we live,

but we do it with such dignity.

Thanks, babe.

Lenny, can I steal

one of your paintings?

Iris has a birthday party.

Better take a present for

the mom, stuck-up bitch.

Take Take that.

Your ex-wife's vag?

Oh, you can't give that away.

Oh, she always did, very generous woman.

What does that remind me of?

How should I know it? All I see is gash.

You're like a dad to me Lenny.

One who r*pes me.

Oh, God.

Might work.

Really looks like a p*ssy though.

Oh, oh, I love it.

Thank you.

That is a very moving sunset.

It looks familiar.

Somewhere in India, perhaps?

I see a symbol of transience.

Oh.

I don't think we're looking

at something tangible.

- Right.

- Mm.

So, Iris told Ava you're a writer.

Yes.

Oh, what are you

working on at the moment?

Um, an undercover, uh, project,

um, at at a peep show.

That is fascinating.

Yeah. I mean, I get right

in amongst it, It's

Oh, what, like Stacey Dooley?

Uh, yeah, a little bit, uh,

but think more Tom Wolfe,

Joan Didion, you know,

like, reporting the truth, subjectively,

using fictional techniques.

Sounds amazing.

- You are very bright.

- Oh.

You should have gone to university.

I did. I got a First

in English at Durham.

Wow.

I might have a cracking pair of tits,

but I'm also pretty

f*cking clever, so

We can't wait to read it.

- Oh, God.

- And it's

in.

Oh.

Costello, a respectable

man is here for you.

- Come.

- Hi. Hi, Costello.

- Yeah.

- I'm Richard. Hi.

I'm here to, um, get some

photos for your article.

Um, everyone else here,

you can just relax,

uh, like I'm not here.

Um,

I read some of your old

pieces online the other day.

Very funny. I'm looking

forward to this one.

Thanks.

- Where do you want me?

- Um

- Yeah, wherever you're comfortable.

- Okay.

Yeah. That's very nice.

Very good. Yeah. To me. Oh, yeah.

Um, just head down, just

a touch. Yeah. Wonderful.

Well done. Yeah.

What do you think? Cool, yeah?

Right, shall we get a picture

of you in your costume?

Uh, no.

No one asked Hemingway to

get his tits out, did they?

Good night with Aunty G?

Yeah, showed her The Sopranos finale

and she said she felt cheated.

What do you expect? It's Aunty G.

God, look at this prick on his scooter.

Today, Mommy,

your name's gonna be in the newspaper

and not for a crime.

Yeah, you're right.

All my friends' moms

are gonna read about it.

And soon we won't be poor.

You're a real writer now.

Yeah, suppose I am. I am a real writer.

Oh, what you got,

a f*cking paper round?

Her Majesty treat you well?

Oh, as well as she would

treat one of her sons.

Mm-hmm.

Prison's like boarding school I bet.

No, no, no, no, no, it's

much lovelier than that.

It's not your article, darling.

They've turned your words

into a sad little interview.

They f*cked me.

Of course she lied to me.

Come on.

Come on, come, come, come.

Costello Jones says, "I'm not ashamed

to use my body to pay the rent.

Sex work is real work."

I never f*cking said that.

Iris is gonna be so embarrassed.

- God, I want a drink.

- Mm.

No, you don't.

I'm 106-days sober,

is this my life now?

Why can't I have a glass of

wine like a normal human being?

Because, darling, when you

drink, bad things happen.

I knew it was risky, writing this.

Well, writing is the

most dangerous sport.

Do you want me to have her whacked?

f*ck her. She's going in my novel,

and she's going to be a f*cking monster.

Yeah, well, the best revenge, of course,

is winning the Man Booker Prize.

They would have done

the same to Jean Genet

if he had a c**t, wouldn't they?

Undoubtedly.

f*ck her. Just keep doing your writing.

- What you calling this book?

- Oh, f*ck knows.

I need to get my head down,

finish it, find a publisher,

finally make Iris proud.

I gotta hand it to

you, you don't die easy.

Ooh.

Why you are here? There's

still customers out there

with handfuls of coins and cocks.

Oh!

Done for the night, so

I'll see you next week.

Get back on stage.

Okay then, get your hairy

ass out of here. You're fired.

Oh, she ain't got no hairy ass.

And don't forget to

take your p*ssy with you.

And I ain't no p*ssy. Rude!

Do you think he's got

little man syndrome?

- Yeah.

- He's a bit of a weirdo.

Solidarity, sister.

As performative gestures

go, I've seen better.

- Seen better today.

- What's this?

Uh, the photographer from that thing.

Yeah, I I just wanted

you to know that, um,

I had no idea that Sophie

was going to f*ck you over.

- Hmm.

- I mean, it is f*cking weird,

but you've got to hand it to him,

done a thing.

Uh, would you like to

grab a coffee or something?

Do you pick up girls outside

peep shows often or

Uh, no. No, no, this

this would be my first.

Well, he's good value, ain't he?

Okay, go on then.

Yeah?

Taking real risk with that

one. Big old mouth on her.

And very m*nled minge.

Thank you for that, Konstantin.

Well, no one's perfect.