01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

["VALSE DE L'EMPEREUR"
BY JOHANN STRAUSS PLAYING]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

"The President could sense

the arrival of his Chief of Staff

from the slight breeze
the door makes when opened,

and the President wished he would knock,

and the Chief of Staff thought,

"I'm not the kind of guy
who knocks and waits,"

and the President thinks,
"I wish he would wait,"

but the Chief of Staff ignores this...

[HANK, THINKING] Cheese...

American and feta.

Tuna.

Vodka for my office.

Olives.

Dried berries...

Uh, let's stop you there.

Any comments?

I loved it.

[HANK] That's one "I loved it."

How about any constructive criticisms?

Going once, twice...

- Moving on.
- I mean,

you could... you could say something.

I've given you my thoughts before.

Just have a glance at your last story

or the one before that, okay?

Jen, do you want to read?

It might spark some discussion

if you offered something out loud.

I don't think so.

It could.

[GRUMBLES]

Could you, please, just
for once, say something?

Workshops like this are based
on the idea of peer review.

Guided review.

I'm trying to guide.

Jen?

Professor, I don't
mean to g*ng up on you,

but you should know,

besides calling our names to read,

you've barely said anything
in an hour and a half.

Well, I couldn't help but notice

a wandering point of view

within, basically,
structureless sentences.

No, my point of view doesn't wander.

Well, it switches mid-sentence

from the President
to the Chief of Staff,

then back, then back...

Yeah, on purpose.

Well, you risk distancing the reader.

I happen to think that
risk is worth the reward.

What's the reward?

Okay, um...

the reward is I'm...

I'm exposing the flow of
different collected consciousness.

You know?

I'm calling it ultra-omniscience.

That's a cool word.

Did anyone else care

that the President and Chief of Staff

seem to be responding
to each other's thoughts

without speaking,

in a way that isn't...

possible?

I mean, I'm just gonna say it again,

I loved it,

and you made my shortlist
for the Pulitzer.

You don't get to make a short list

for someone else's award.

Yeah, look, okay, responding
to each other's thoughts,

it's not a mistake.

[HANK] It certainly was.

Let's put aside the
multiple points of view

and the wandering tense

and the conversations

that seem to happen via telepathy.

Even put aside the Chief
of Staff's necrophilia.

- Okay, well, then there's no story.
- Do you know what I mean

when I say "distance the reader"?

Of course I do,

but that's my choice to make,

as it is every writer's,

as it was, um, Chaucer's
choice, you know,

whose writing I actually
find really distancing.

Yeah, well, less so

because he was writing
in Middle English,

and it's a tricky thing,
comparing yourself to Chaucer.

Yeah, but we don't know that
I'm not the next Chaucer.

We do know.

All due respect, you would not know.

All due respect, a cat would know.

Your only novel isn't even available
at your own campus bookstore.

You... you're here.

You're here.

The main piece of evidence
is that you are here.

The fact that you're here

means you didn't try
very hard in high school,

or, for whatever reason, you
showed very little promise.

Did that sound harsh?
I'll tell you what.

I'll smile through the rest of this.

You are here,

and even if your presence
at this middling college

in this sad, forgotten town
was some bizarre anomaly,

and you do have the promise of genius,

which I'll bet a kidney that you don't,

it will never surface.

I am not a good enough
writer or writing teacher

to bring it out of you.

And how do I know that? How?

Because I, too, am here,

at Railton College,

mediocrity's capital.

Well, you wanted me to talk more.

[♪♪]

[PHONE BUZZING]

[LILY] Who is it?

Work.

[LILY] Turn it off.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Hmm.

I put that in the
recycling three days ago.

I didn't realize you want to save it.

Save it?

Oh, no, there's other articles
I want to read in here.

Um...

you were working late last night?

I mean, it isn't really working late

just because it's after
you've gone to sleep.

Yeah, well, I'm a college professor,

so working after : p.m. is late.

Who are you saving now?

There's this boy named
Calvin who's been acting out.

Herb thinks he should be expelled,

so, anyway,

we're meeting with his
mother and a teacher...

[PHONE BUZZING]

- You are very popular this morning.
- I am.

Why did you buy so many bananas?

They're going to go bad, you know.

Just to piss you off.

[PHONE BUZZING]

I think you should just keep
up with the solitary misery,

and, like, don't change a thing.

Who isn't miserable, huh?

Being an adult is % misery.

No, I think you're at .

The rest of us hover around to .

Thirty?

Nobody is at .

I'm at .

Really?

Thirty?

Well, then, you're unusually happy.

I don't think that's true.

[HANK, THINKING] I think we've become

a bit obsessed with happiness.

It's a little much.

What happened to just
getting through the day?

I wonder what percentage
of misery this dude was at.

It better have been at least .

I need a cushion.

If people wanted to be happy so much,

why does all the evidence
point to the opposite?

I mean, newspapers, the courts,

social media...

The misery industry... that's huge.

Billions.

The happy industry? [CHUCKLES]

That's, like, one guy, who
probably lives in Canada,

breeding unicorns and filming
them for p*rn on the side.

[STUDENTS WHISPERING]

[CHUCKLES]

Mediocrity's capital? Really?

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

I decided to face you as a man.

Man to man.

We're one short.

I always wanted to be a writer.

When I was six, I
wrote my first story...

about Wall Street.

That tracks.

When I was ,

I wrote my first novel.

Whenever I get down
on myself, I read it.

It helps me remember
what I'm meant to do.

And that I can't do anything else.

Bartow?

I don't think you understand
how hurtful what you said was.

I was uncareful with my words.

I'm sorry, Bartow.

We cool?

Yeah, we cool.

I'm just gonna need that in writing.

What?

Your apology,

I'm just gonna need that

to be posted to the
school newspaper's website.

With a signature.

Uh, an e-signature is fine, too.

Would you accept an e-middle finger?

Dean Rose called for you?

- Okay.
- Six times.

Uh-huh.

Should I try him for you?

No.

Did you get me yogurt?

It's not your yogurt day.

Yeah.

["JUMPING STRINGS" BY
PAOLO ANDRIOTTI PLAYING]

[♪♪]

[GRACIE] Damnit, Rourke,
don't hide behind humor,

as if you could...

[HANK, THINKING] Why do
grown-ups bother arguing?

[PAUL] Well, I'm smiling.

I have been working...

[HANK, THINKING] Haven't we learned

what the advertising
world figured out long ago,

that, after age ,

we're not changing our
minds about anything?

So, what's in it for people?

A sexual charge?

Actually, that sounds nice.

... that it only finds oxygen
when it's hurting a woman.

It should be painfully
clear to you by now,

your time, sir, it's up.

[EMMA] Oh, boy, we're doing this.

All right, let's all be careful here.

I'll say anything I want.

I can't be canceled, I have tenure.

[GRACIE] You're an ass.

This is because of you and
your childish outburst in class.

[PAUL] No, no, no, no,
no. It was inspired by him.

It was my idea.

I want recognition.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
"À partir du moment

où l'absurdité est reconnue,

elle devient une passion."

Camus. It means...

Did you not get my email?

I got a lot of emails this morning.

I'll bet you did, Peckerhead.

- [GRACIE] Read your email.
- [HANK] Why?

Rourke submitted a new course request

to the school website
for public evaluation...

"The Accidental Wisdom of
Mediocre Regional Writers".

He put me on the syllabus!

Are you not regional?

Your choice to insult us all,

especially in an open forum,

it's simply incorrect.

We have no shortage of worthy scholars

and published authors.

[HANK] Name one.

I'll name two myself...

and perhaps Billie.

My book of sonnets on Jonathan Swift

has become the benchmark

in early-feminist,
th-century response poetry.

You are deliberately trying

to invalidate the last
decade of my career.

[PAUL] Decade?

That book came out years ago,

and I remember it distinctly,

because the first email I ever got

was a bill mistakenly sent
from your self-publisher.

Nobody was brave enough
to publish that book.

It was ahead of its time.

Maybe you should have waited.

- You...
- Ow!

Oh, sh*t! sh*t.

Let go of the notebook.

But it has original work in it.

Not if it's yours.

- You...
- Ow!

Oh!

- Ew!
- [GRACIE] Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I...

I-I...

I-I didn't... I didn't mean to.

I... Are you... ?

Going to sue?

Yes! I want every penny
from the sale of those poems.

You can put all of them
in this tiny pocket.

["YULELÉ" BY EDUARDO MATEO PLAYING]

Jill from Jacob Rose's
office called again?

Dean Rose would like
to see you right away?

Tell them I have a class.

I said that?

She said right after class?

Oh. Then I have another class.

Then I said that?

Then she said

that it better not be
racquetball with Tony?

And then I said,

"Have you ever been asked
to cover for your boss

when he was doing something

he didn't want people to know about?"

Then she got real quiet.

Hey, Daniel.

I hope you brought enough
vape pens for everyone.

[RAPID FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Did you just run?

[EXHALES]

Are you ready to handle
this Calvin situation?

You shouldn't be so excited
about expelling a kid.

He disrupts my class,
he throws things...

Don't talk about how
disruptive my son is

when it's your job
to control your class.

No. It's my job to teach,

and I can't do my job

if I'm spending % of my energy
trying to control her kid...

Do you know that most chocolate
has vegetable oil in it?

Or even animal fat?

Lily, please.

Look, we're here to talk about Calvin

and what to do at this
important juncture in his life,

but first, just hear me out.

France regulates chocolate.

They don't allow anything
but pure cocoa liquor,

which is what gives chocolate
its rich, delicious flavor.

France, by law,

says that there must be at least %,

but that's not nearly good enough

for La Maison du Chocolat.

This was flown in from France last week,

and I'd like to share
some of it with you.

Before you eat it,

I want you to, um, feel it in your hand.

Just, like, feel the weight of it.

And then, place it on your tongue,

and keep it there.

Let it melt in your mouth.

It's amazing, right?

Michelle, you're an excellent teacher.

And you are clearly a
loving and caring mother.

Look, you want Calvin
expelled from school,

that's not feasible,

but he doesn't have to
take biology this year.

He could make it up in summer school.

I feel a little manipulated
by this delicious chocolate.

Yeah, I feel the same.

There's common ground.

I liked what you said.

This place sucks.

It should be shut down.

Hey, Jill.

He said he'd like you to read this,

and then go right in.

_

Polite note.

May I keep this for my
collection of memorabilia

of times when people
were being polite to me,

only to be setting a trap of some sort?

I don't think it matters.

Well, nothing matters.

That can't be our standard.

It tells me a lot that
you drove all this way.

I appreciate that.

You take it seriously.

Because, guess what?

I take it seriously, and
we should take it seriously.

Are we upset? You betcha.

But what you have to understand
is that Hank is going through

a rough patch with his diverticulitis.

Infected and inflamed pouches
bulging from his colon.

Complete bowel Armageddon.

Is it an excuse? No, of course not.

Of course it isn't.

He may not take that out on your son,

and everyone agrees with that,

especially Hank.

So we're on the same page.

Bowel Armageddon? Really?

Hank, this article, this is bad.

I'm sure they twisted my words.

Oh.

No, that's pretty much verbatim.

Well, they were ganging up on me.

They don't mention that.

Every phone call I've had today?

Board members demanding that
I kick your butt off campus.

Maybe you explain to them

just how powerless
your position really is?

I think they'll understand.

I wish I could.

It would make my life
a whole lot easier.

Well, I think it's a good thing.

I put it out there.

Maybe Railton can become a beacon,

a refuge now for really,
really lazy students.

Just apologize to the
kid and his parents,

make this go away. I
don't need this today.

No, I am not apologizing.

I mean, unless you name
a building after me...

and not a dorm.

I don't want any of these
idiots sleeping in my building.

[JILL] Jacob?

The President's on.

You tell him I'm not sorry.

Hank!

This is not about you
and your little situation.

I'll take it in the conference room.

Please tell the William-Stevenses

that I'll be back momentarily.

Did Gracie really
deserve all that teasing?

[HANK] "Deserve".

You don't still believe
in "deserve", do you?

It's an unfair world,

I'm not going to even things
up with a few kind acts.

You know...

tenure doesn't mean you
can't get smacked in the face.

No, it just means I can
never, ever be fired.

It doesn't mean that, either.

It kinda feels like it.

So you're trying to get
fired with no hope of success?

You think I'm trying to get fired?

Did you apologize to the kid?

For what?

You don't think this has anything to do

with that article

you're pretending not to carry around?

I'm not carrying anything around.

No?

So if I just...

No, no!

It might be there.

I don't know.

My father retires.

It's a major thing.

Big enough for the biggest
newspaper in the country

to put it on the cover
of the arts section.

Good for him.

Also, I find out about it from
the cover of the arts section.

Good for me.

And this makes you feel... ?

Nothing.

And that outburst in class?

Was unrelated.

In fact, it felt good.

I told the truth.

I think I inspired myself.

To tell the truth more?

That's not good.

To work on my novel.

Oh, great!

Well, I love it when you
start your second novel.

It's usually a wonderful
time in our marriage.

How was your day?

[LILY] Julie's coming over.

I don't know why.

["JUMPING STRINGS" BY
PAOLO ANDRIOTTI PLAYING]

[HANK, THINKING] I know why.

It's these damn kids.

They don't hate their parents...

at least not enough

to never ask them for anything again.

Yeah, I got it.

The trouble is,

my generation of parents...

we can't let our kids
feel any pain in any way.

It's a sick cycle,

but to stop,

that would take courage and conviction.

No. No way. It's your turn.

I can't ask my mother for
money twice in six months.

- I can't do that.
- Why not?

She just became a general manager.

Yeah, of a Circle K!

- It's not fair!
- Fine!

I know my dad.

He's gonna hold this against me.

Well, your mom's the one

who handles all the finances, right?

He's probably not even going to notice

that she lent us the money.

That's true.

He doesn't notice anything.

When she gave me our Cancun money,

she said if I borrowed money again,

she'd make me sit
down and learn Quicken.

Which isn't me, you know?

I know...

I know.

It's gotta be my dad.

It's about respect.

Gracie, why does this
stuff still bother you?

You know who he is.

Why something is wrong isn't
relevant to making it right.

I can't do anything about it.

Of course not.

Hank's chair of the department.

Course review falls under his purview.

As long as he's chair,

there can't be any serious action

taken against him or anyone else.

"As long as he's chair"?

Seriously?

Hank's your problem, too.

I mean, there is a person there.

There was a time you couldn't resist me.

No one could.

Excuse the interruption.

The president's office
said to let you know

that he explained the
urgency of the situation

to the board chair,

and the trustees will convene next week.

When you find out when it is,

please clear that day.

[JILL] Will do.

This isn't about hitting
Hank with the notebook?

Because he...

he walked into it a bit.

One day, I'm going to
meet an English professor

who understands that the world

is full of lots of people and ideas...

You could just say yes or no.

There's no need to be insulting.

Is it about Rourke's new course?

Oh, my God.

[GRACIE] I'm telling you guys,

this is the best thing
for our department.

Gracie, this is very serious,

and I have to say,

we don't feel comfortable
plotting behind Hank's back.

This is a good idea.

Okay. Let's see what we can get.

This isn't something
we should take lightly,

and it is the best thing
for the students, too.

Gosh, Gracie,

it seems like a lot of risk
for not a lot of reward.

Okay, if you support
Hank's de-chairing,

I'll switch places with you
on the sabbatical waitlist.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

[PHONE BUZZING]

Hank, your phone.

Yeah?

[BILLIE] Hello, Spanky.

Billie.

How drunk are you?

Plenty, but it's none of your
damn business, you son of a bitch.

Hey, did you write

that recommendation for my daughter?

I will.

You will not.

I don't want Meg living this
damn life in this damn town.

Ugh. What do you know
about raising a kid?

You didn't even have a dad.

I did.

You were in diapers
when that shithead left.

I was .

You didn't even send
your daughter to college.

What the hell is her name?

I'd prefer you didn't
bring up my daughter.

Billie?

You there?

How come you always let
me talk to you like this?

Look, just don't write
the recommendation,

even though who knows

what it's gonna be worth after tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

What happens tomorrow?

So you're gonna be de-chaired?

And then what does that mean?

[HANK] De-chaired.

I think it's an outpatient
procedure these days.

Well, if I'm no longer chair,

it's easier to fire me,

and if I get fired,

that's the end of my academic career.

You're smiling.

Am I?

Is that, um, opportunity

for you to be assistant head of
school at Arlyle still possible?

Seriously?

Um...

I mean, that was months
ago, so I don't...

I don't know.

I mean...

Yeah, I could ask.

New York.

God.

Could it finally be time?

MOMA, instead of Roger's Art.

Peter Luger's instead of Outback.

Mm...

I mean, we'd be a little
close to your father.

It's a city of eight million people.

I think I can avoid him.

I don't know.

We saw Catherine Keener twice.

Do you know you make a move

every time I say "Catherine Keener"?

Keep saying it, see what it gets you.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Yes?

[WOMAN] Hi. Am I speaking
with Professor Devereaux Jr.?

Just Professor Devereaux.

I've never had any confusion.

Yes. Hello, Professor Devereaux.

This is Marnie Cole from
your father's office.

Um, I hate to bother
you like this, but...

Yeah?

Stephanie asked me to call

and let you know that
she has left your father.

Stephanie? Is that the maid?

She's his wife.

Uh, okay, well, I guess he'll
have to get a third wife.

Well, that was his third wife.

Well, I wish her well then.

So, it's not an ideal
time for him to be alone.

I think maybe he could use some help.

Marnie, um, I'm sorry.

In the future,

could you leave messages like this

with my assistant in my office, okay?

'Cause this is my personal cell.

This is only for friends
and work and family

and marketing calls.

Okay? You have that other number?

I do, but he is your family.

Well, then he can call me.

That would be the
first time in years.

I'm submitting an alternate budget.

Good.

The first one was so boring.

Could you run the freshman requirements

and service a major with
five professors, or...

or four professors and
add a few more adjuncts?

I need an answer or
I'm just gonna guess.

Oh...

this is fun.

I like that we do this every year.

You know, we could skip the
stage where you thr*aten cuts

and jump right to the part

where you give me my full budget.

I've got a fantasy pickleball league

that's heating up.

I don't have time for this.

What?

Jacob, what is it?

You may have noticed

that half the schools
in the country are broke.

I noticed they're going
out to dinner less often.

Well, think about what you can pull
off with three fewer professors.

If I'm still chair in
an hour, I'll do that.

Uh, first of all,

I'd like to, um,

I'd like to point out that,

although I am completely agnostic

as to the outcome of the vote
that's about to take place...

Paul, can you join us?

Thank you. Thank you.

Um, I was asked...

by Dean Rose...

Yeah, right.

... to call this meeting
and motion for a vote.

I heard that there was a
vote to remove me as chair.

I just... I didn't want to miss it.

Jesus, Billie.

Oh, what's the goddamned difference?

So, um, Professor Wheemer has
agreed to run the proceedings.

I didn't really.

[BILLIE] Weiner?

She's not a professor.

She shows movies.

How is that teaching?

She's a projectionist.

Okay, it's "Wheemer" with an "M",

and I don't want to be
running these proceedings.

I shouldn't.

It's not fair.

People around the world

don't have access to free speech,

and I should just feel free

to go on about calls
and recounts and whatnot?

It's obscene.

Okay, thanks, we got it. Go, now.

Okay, we're here for
a no-confidence vote

for the chair of the department,

for certain events that have
transpired over the past few days,

and how he's conducted himself
in regards to those events.

Would the accused

like to say anything in
his defense before the vote?

The accused?

It was a good flick.

Jodie Foster. She won
an Oscar for that film.

We watch it in my
gender-analysis film class.

New Bedford Chamber of
Commerce hated that movie.

- It k*lled the Moby d*ck tours.
- Okay, can we please... ?

Yes, the accused would
like to make a statement.

The kid that I yelled at...

okay...

he k*lled my governess.

This is many years ago,

and I vowed revenge, and now I have it,

and it feels empty in the
way that novels predict.

The question at hand
is a simple aye or nay.

Should Hank be removed from the chair?

"Aye" means "yes".

Can you just say yes?

[EMMA] Short answer, yes with caveats.

It requires a vote.

You can make that motion,

but not until a call for new business.

And I assume you can get it seconded.

I second the motion
that "aye" means "yes".

Well, there hasn't been
a call for new business.

I literally just explained that.

Jesus Christ, guys.

"Aye" it is!

So an aye for an aye then?

[LAUGHS]

[HANK, THINKING] The f*ring squad.

They never sent one
person... it's a squad.

The group effort makes it
more of a bonding event...

like lions ripping
apart a scared gazelle.

A pride.

Good times.

Okay, that's one aye,

a nay,

another aye...

another aye,

and that's it.

That's three ayes, a
nay, and the rest abstain.

Well, the ayes have it.

Hank is officially removed as the chair.

[JUNE] Wait.

Who is the next chair?

[GRACIE] Why...

so why don't we take
some time to discuss,

and meet again tomorrow, same time?

["LOVE IS LIKE THE SEA"
BY PETER NERI PLAYING]

[♪♪]

♪ Love is like the sea

♪ It carries you back
where you came from ♪

♪ Love is like the cloud

♪ Fading away but it comes again ♪

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[HANK] I guess I finally
sunk my own battleship.

That's the first time I made
the whole department happy.

[LILY] Well, I wouldn't
b*at yourself up too hard.

[HANK] Done.

Because...

I called Tom Leska...

and they have not filled
the position at Arlyle.

He didn't exactly offer me the job,

but he sure seemed to
imply that I have a sh*t.

Whoa.

Yeah, I know.

It's just...

logistics.

I mean, our...

our daughter's here,

and my mom.

There's a few things that we need...

we need to talk through,

we need to work out.

Don't. Don't. Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Actually, it's my fault.

Where are you going?

I'm going for a run.

What? It's : p.m..

You already ran today.

There's raccoons out there!

Did you just make a joke?

Uh-uh.

I forgot that you aren't
capable of leaving this town

for reasons that will
only be fully understood

by your future therapist.

I learned it years ago,

I just forgot it.

So shame on me.

[JULIE] Good morning.

Hey.

Um, I made coffee.

Thanks.

You came over here early in the morning

to make me coffee?

I just wanted to have
breakfast with you guys.

I was also going to tell you,

um, I saw Stacey Rose at
the supermarket yesterday.

I don't know if Dean Rose
mentioned that to you?

[HANK] He didn't.

[JULIE] Well, she says hi.

She wants everyone to come
over for dinner some time.

The whole g*ng.

Do you want to play Bananagrams?

Do you remember when we used
to do this before school?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, um...

I was also going to tell you,

Russell actually has a pretty
interesting opportunity.

Oh?

Yeah, yeah, it's pretty exciting stuff,

and it's really next level,

and he can get in on the ground floor.

Ground floor, that sounds...

that sounds a little low for next level.

Are you sure he's got
the right entrance?

That is hilarious.

Um...

yeah, no,

it would just require him not
getting a paycheck for a while,

is the thing.

- Darn it.
- Yeah.

So we're just figuring out

how to get from here to
there in the meantime.

You know what?

I think I could help.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, my thought is

what if Russell were to
take a less interesting job,

but one that paid right away?

Dad!

See, I'm doing the math,

and I think that
actually, that works great.

You're not doing the math,
you're being an assh*le.

Now is not a good time, okay,

- because I have to save for retirement.
- It's never a good time!

I owe that to you,

otherwise I become your dependent

and live in your home.

"Michael experienced :
a.m. differently as an adult.

The alarm clock used to mean
hockey practice and friends,

and now it means cows

and the start of another
shift on the ranch... "

Okay, let's talk.

You mean us, or... ?

Yeah, what do we all think
of this letter from Bartow?

Are you asking us?

'Cause I think he made
some pretty good points.

Okay, name one.

That we deserve a teacher
who believes in us.

That does sound nice.

I mean, it's all in
the letter, Professor.

"I, Bartow Williams-Stevens,

am compelled to write this open letter

because you have humiliated
me and I feel terrible."

Okay, you don't have to
say you feel terrible.

That's a natural result
of being humiliated, so...

repetitive.

"I believe we deserve
teachers who believe in us."

That's a lot of believing.

Overuse of a word diminishes its power.

Well, it's terribly written,

which is too bad because
he makes some good points.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Calvin just broke a
window in the east hallway.

What?

I told you. I said it.

I said the kid needed to be expelled,

and then you charmed us.

The situation didn't need pacifying,

it needed a hard action.

You solved nothing.

Can we make this quick

because I lose my court in minutes?

"Hell is empty and all
the devils are here."

[EMMA] Okay.

Rules are a simple plurality wins.

You may vote for anyone,
including yourself.

Once the votes are
filled out and collected,

there is no adjustment of the vote.

It's final.

Write along the line with words...

no doodles, Paul...

and fold it one time.

No quarter folds.

Okay, does everyone understand?

Goddamnit, I need to hear
a plurality of voices.

[GROUP, IN UNISON] Aye.

Hey! Look, you did it!

All right, go ahead.

All right.

And here we go.

One vote for June.

One vote for Teddy.

You voted for yourself?

We agreed last night that...

Yes, we agreed to vote for me.

Why would we agree to vote for you?

- That makes no sense.
- There are complications.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Can you do your evil scheming
in your underground lair

and not at work?

One vote for me?

One vote for "Hank. Ha
ha, damn you all to hell."

Damn you all to hell.

One vote for a new iPad.

These go to Santa eventually, right?

One vote for Rourke.

Don't mind if I do.

[EMMA] Yikes.

And another vote for Hank.

[PAUL] Hank?

Wait, what the hell just happened?

I...

I thought that I was
throwing away my vote,

um, as a form of abstaining,

which, as you know

from my essay, "The
Art of Abstention"...

And that's it.

[TEDDY] Wait, what?

Yeah, the only person with
more than one vote is...

Hank.

Hank's our new chair.

[EMMA] A fresh term of
three years begins...

now.

Sorry.

["FREE LOVE SEQUENCE" BY
DANIELLE LUPPI PLAYING]

- My point.
- What?

- Meniscus Rules.
- But you could've got that!

Not without taking a step.

You could have tilted like a teapot.

You're stepping now.

To serve! It's different.

Just once, I'd like to play fair.

My point.

I'm wondering if it's the forbidden
nature of all the sexual politics

that's making the sex better.

There's more at risk.

Maybe the sex is...

exactly the same...

and you're losing
touch with your partner

as a human being

due to your advanced age
and growing callousness.

Yeah, I thought of that,

but multiple women have told me

I'm becoming a better fornicator.

Multiple women.

And there's nothing in it for them.

They didn't have to say that.

Why can't racquetball
be most of the day,

and then everything
else is just one hour?

Picture your perfect life.

Put it on a tableau for me.

Paint it on that wall.

What do you see?

[♪♪]

I can't improve on that white wall.

It's...

it's... it's soothing.

I'm scared that...

my father's retirement is going to upset

this very delicate balance
that we've achieved.

He left and we don't speak.

I think I'm feeling regret.

All these years,

I haven't fully appreciated
all that I didn't have.

Multiple women.

- Hey, guess what?
- I'm running.

They made me chair again.

Three more years.

["I STARTED A JOKE" BY
THE BEE GEES PLAYING]

♪ I started a joke ♪

♪ Which started the
whole world crying... ♪

I'll see you at home.

♪ ... But I didn't see... ♪

♪ ... That the joke was on me ♪

I have this weird feeling
you're gonna end up in jail.

Or the hospital.

Hey, hey, hey! This isn't my stuff.

Have a nice day.

Your ex-husband abandoned us.

He abandoned you.

I'm President Dickie Pope.

What is this guy up to?

My friend said there were gonna be cuts.

Can you not be yourself and be
straight with us for one minute?

- Do you hate it here?
- I take the fifth.

Come on! You want a piece of this?

That man is chair of
the English Department.

My anger has nowhere to go.

It's unhoused.

Jason!

I'm going to New York to
interview at the Arlyle School.

- My life is here.
- Your life could move.

- My mom is here.
- You aren't talking to her.

Iam here!

Hank, you know what? I think
I can taste the paprika.

It's a treasure.

♪