01x01 - Willow Canyon Homeowners Annual Party

[bunniefuu]

Do you know what you get when you hire a Party Down catering team? At Party Down, we have a simple motto: It's your party, you deserve to enjoy it, but how are you going to enjoy the party if you worried about whether the shrimp cocktail's been sitting out too long or if there's enough ice or do the guests think the party's lame, or they stealing stuff, or going through the medicine cabinets 'cause they're nosy or 'cause they might find something that'll give'em a rockin' buzz.

I used to do that last thing, not anymore.

Clean and sober.

That is quite a motto, Mr Donald.

Ron Donald.

Ron Donald, nice to meet you.

Why do they do these things so tight? You know? Look at this.

Clean stick.

There will be no frowns today.

Leave the frowning to us.

Hey, that should be part of our motto,
- what do you think?
- Mr.

Donald, you are efficient.

It seems like you've got your client feedback card already written! Okay people, eyes forward, we've got a lot to cover.

"Chill, buzz k*ll! You ain't my moms.

" They're gonna rip you an new one, T.


- People, eyes forward.


- "Think I ain't privy to that info?"
- Privy.


- "Privy to that info.

" "That's why they call it the palisades, bro.

" Okay, Kyle you really have to come into that moment.

You know what Gene Hackman said to me when we were sh**ting "Lucky Lady?" He said "you should be committed".

Constance! He got a callback on the palisades.

Ron, we're running the scene Instead of running the scene how about we run some bruchetta? Is that? Okay, next thing, the racial sensitivity seminar.

I took it you guys should take it, I learned things that blew my mind.


- Yeah like what?
- "Mexican.

" Not offensive.

Constance, what are you? What did I say?
- It's their cheese, not our cheese.


- So the guest runs out of cheese, how are you going to feel about that? Terrible.

Right, so, spit it out.

Last thing, guys, your gonna love this, hostess said we could put out the tip jar tonight
- I know what you're going to say.


- Let's take the guaranteed twenty.

Or, why don't we bet on ourselves?
- Bet on success!
- Because we always lose.

And maybe we should try harder, how about that? Try harder.

Hey, there he is.

Henry Pollard, everybody.

Okay, come on.

Henry and I use to sling devours, back in the day.

Remember that? Before he left to be a big star.

But now he's back! Where's your shirt?
- I'm sorry.


- Your shirt? Where's your shirt?
- Yeah, they said white shirt
- Yeah, so a crisp white shirt.


- Crisp.


- Crisp.

It looks like you've sleeping in that thing, In a forest.


- Sorry.


- I'll tell you what, no worries.

I got a backup in the van.

Team leader, Ron.

A lot can happen in eight years, my man.

A little rusty.

Yeah probably.

It'll come back to you.

Good lord, you haven't changed.

Unfortunately, You though you look Different? I know, right? It's new Ron.

Yeah, the boozing and the drinking and getting high in the van, I'm done with that.

You know how you were gonna be an actor? How you had a dream?
- Vaguely
- Well, now I have a dream, I'm gonna run my own soup r'crackers franchise.

What? The all you can eat salad place? And soup, they're known for their soup.

They have salads but they're known for their soup.

I was talking to Allen, Mr.

Duck, about it.

Owner of Party Down, he said if I show him I'm a good team leader, that he'll go partners with me God, you're just destroying the limes.

Don't touch anything.

Watch a pro,
- Here we go.

Move over
- Really? All right, all right, you see this? You see the grain? The a I wasn't aware a lime had grain, Ron "You have much to learn young jedi.

" The lime's grain runs north/south.

Nipple to nipple.

The way you were doing it was like I told you three times that I was at improv that is why.


- You know what that is?
- I will call you back.

Personal business on company time.


- Which is what?
- Heartily encouraged? Forbidden and you're late.

For the second time.

So that's your final warning.

Who's this? What happened to Sage? Sage was caught doing that thing, so we had to let him go.

This is Henry Pollard,
- Our new team member.


- So I just wanna be clear, Sage got five warnings for masturbating in closets? And I'm on last warning already even though I've only been late 2 times? Hi, Casey Klein.

Going for your own look, I see.

Yeah, thought I'd go for a helpful gay pirate kind of thing.

You don't look helpful.

Actually, I learned in sensitivity seminar, we don't use that word.

Okay, I mean, I'm not, but we don't know who might be, you know
- A pirate?
- Helpful? Gay.

Is that little fried chickens? Gordon, you aren't wearing that?
- What?
- You look like a homeless person.

What about the nice pleated shorts I got you? Are you planning on shaving? The guests will be here any minute.

I'm with you, on the shorts, like the motto says, it's your party and you deserve to have a good time.


- Yes, excellent
- Excellent I like that word, use that word for your feedback card.


- We'll be having video?
- Getting it.


- Walla.


- Hey look, you're a star.

Who's the hostess with the mostest? I think we're looking at her.

We're dancing with a stars We're dancing with a stars We're all good friends and We're dancing with the stars.

That's good fun.

Okay, we're gonna stop.


- We're stars
- Stop!
- Grab some cheese.


- Okay, I can.

Cut.

Go for it, dude.

Sure she's gonna see the creep working her parents' party with your techno cd's and "return to gorm" and realize you guys are soul mates.

In to me.

You look a little out of place.

Sorry, my bad.

I got it.

Constance, will you get this man some fried chi some appetizers that's not shrimp? Hi, Liddy, super party.

Say hello to my little friend! So it'll be a chi
-poodle, a labra
-doodle, or a golden retroodle I like working with hybrids.

Because they surprise you.

Everyday is like having a different dog.

Beer me.


- I take it you're a regular.


- I don't know who those people are, but they're k*lling my buzz.

You look familiar to me.


- You an actor?
- Just one of those faces.

Ordinary f*cking people, right?
- Your Henry, right?
- Yeah.


- Roman.

What's up?
- Hey man.

Can I get a sparkling water? Nice pleated shorts, right? Punching the clock at omni
- corp to make your mortgage on this joint, maybe one day buy a ski
-do.

I'd rather sh**t myself.

Yeah, well, it might be nice to own a house.

This dump? Ordinary f*cking people.

You know?
- "Repo Man"?
- Nice.

Me and you are probably the only two people here that would get that.


- Perhaps.


- Chardonnay and a G'N T.

Get what? Ordinary f*cking people.

Yeah, I know that movie.

The guy's brother drowns.

You idiot, that's ordinary people.

Yeah.

Watch this guy, he always thinks cause he's a writer, he's the only one who knows anything.

"That's why they call it the palisades, bro.

" This's why you can't sell decent script.

'Cause everyone is completely stupid.

No one knows "Repo Man", but they'll put this idiot for a show about defensive walls Good things it's not about walls.


- That's what "palisades" means.

Okay, maybe it's not as cool as your script about worms Wormholes.

You ever heard of physics? A tear in the fabric of time.


- Wormhole.


- What am I not hearing? I don't know, a squid?
- There are other options, I suppose.


- Music, pronto.

you want me to haul
- this trash out to the street?
- There's a compactor in the kitchen.

They can have one of their mexicans take it out in.


- White wine, please.


- Coming right up.

Hey, I know you? You look so familiar to me.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

That kind of face.

Interesting.

Milf action, nice.

The only perk of the job right there.

"If music is the food of love, play it.

"
- I'm way into Shakespeare.


- Yeah? Yeah, I'm an actor.

You heard of karma rocket? That's my band.

I do some modeling and stuff too.


- So that's pretty cool.


- So you're like in the overall handsome business.


- Yeah.


- All right.

You an actor? Ron said you were star of something? No, no, not really.


- Who's your agent?
- State farm.

Awesome, they give you some good auditions and stuff? I don't really act anymore.

That's cool.

So what are you doing now? Bartending.

Dude, nice.

Where? Here.

What would I do in burlington, stand
-up comedy traffic school? Look, I have to go, okay because you know that I can't talk at work.

Mike, Mike, no! Do not come here.

Dammit.

So I know I don't know you at all, but could you help me out with something?
- Boyfriend trouble?
- Husband trouble.

It's like a bunch of stupid drama, you don't wanna know about, but he might come here, and I can't have him causing this big huge scene 'cause Ron's totally on my ass.

So, if you see like a pissed
-off thirty
-ish guy with brown hair.

I will give a heads up.

It will give me a sense of purpose, which I could use.

Great.

I really appreciate it.

New guy I totally forgot your name.

That's funny, people usually remember it.


- Why's that?
- It's scrotum phillips.


- Henry.


- Right.

And you're not even the new guy.

Cause you worked with Ron.

Eight years ago, yes, thank you for reminding me.

So, do you act? What, I look familiar? You do.

And you smoke parliaments.

I dabbled.


- Are you?
- A professional waiter? I'm not.

No, no, I'm a comedian.

I figured that my natural hilariousness would have tipped you off by now.

Right, right.

Wait a minute.

Were you that? Were you that guy?
- Yes.

I was.


- You were, I totally that g that is bananas.

I remember that! I remember you.

What're you doing working here? Well, you remember me from anything else? Congratulations.

And the award for best christmas decorations goes to The Wisemans.

The Wisemans.

We lost.

Jews.

Hey, congratulations.

She's so little.

Put her in my pocket.

So the award for "best mailbox," goes to Us! Us honey! We won! We won! To ordinary f*ckin' people I'd like to thank my agent.

My real estate agent.

That's Sherri! That's hilarious, she wants to thank her real estate agent.

And I just wanted to say, thank you, the overall improvement in the quality of mailboxes has made such a difference throughout the neighborhood.

And I think we're all winners, I'm honored.

Truly, thank you.

Kyle, Jim Tower from the palisades, we loved your addition.

We thought it was amazing.

But I just wanted to call and make you aware that we've made an interesting choice for the character, we've chosen to take him down interesting avenue I'll call you back, I've gotta go.

Okay wonderful, which hand is it in? Which hand, right, left? Here's a ron donald spin.

North/south reverse north/south.

East/west.


- Good job.


- Hey, all right, okay.

Behind the back, north/south.

Who did that? You're not impressed.

A little higher maybe.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! I totally could be on idol.

I know, I bet you're awesome.

But I'm just stuck here.

Yeah, I mean, this whole suburb trip.

I wrote a song about it.

It's called "you stained me" or "mindjail," I haven't decided.

Really? Oh my god, can I hear it? Gave you my soul, you treat it like poison, gave you my heart, you betray with a lie.

Cause you stained me, like an angle dragged in dirt you stained me, shan't ever see my worth.

You stained me like shakespeare said thou doth That's all I have so far That's awesome.

God dammit.


- What are you doing in there!
- What? Kyle what the hell are you doing! Are you outta you mind?
- Are you outta you mind?
- What were you doing in there? Just rubbing something out.


- Are you crazy?
- That is disgusting.

Look I was using my stick on your mom this morning.


- She thought it was amazing.


- Mom! No, listen to me little girl! I have too much a stake here.

If you tell your mom, I will just destroy you.

Simple as that.

And you.

We're party professionals.

Party professionals.

We make the fun.

Do it.

So are we having fun yet? Betcha this must be a laugh to you.

Actually it looks pretty appealing.


- I kinda wish I was you right now.


- Come on! You did the right thing, being an actor.

You went for it, You're someone.

You're not someone who does the same sh*t day in, day out, wearing pleated shorts.

I wasn't always like this.

I coulda been you, I was in a band, livin' crazy.

Know the last time I did anything unexpected? Cancun.

Okay but you know You have a house, you have a family.

You have a life.

You know what I'd give for that? Okay, how about we switch? You know anything about estate law? It's a bummer.

"Are we having fun yet?" Dude, that's where I know you were that guy! "Hey, are we having fun yet?" Right, form those beer commercials, that's awesome! "Are we having fun yet", remember, that's actually the guy.

See? I knew you were someone! All right, come on, let's here it.

I'd rather not.

"Are we having fun yet?" I'm not having fun yet, make it a double.

You got it.

The hostess specifically requested, no doubles.


- One jigger only.


- What? I don't you serving them two jiggers.

Come on.


- Ron?
- What? I believe the preferred term is jig
-roes.

Kyle can you watch the bar please? Hey man, hey can I help you? No, I'm looking for um Never mind.

I'm her husband.

Her boss's really been riding her today.

How about you go out front and wait and I'll send her out to meet ya.

Who are you? Me I'm nobody.

I'm just trying to do a good deed today, you know.

Okay, can you at least quit sh*t.

I don't care if you've been calling.

This is my place of business.

You are a maniac! What do you mean give me a break? Am I not at work right now? Cannonball! Who's going crazy? C'mon, the water's fine! C'mon in! Let's cut loose! Let's cut loose, c'mon! Oh what? I'm the assh*le here? I am! I'm the assh*le! I get it I'm the assh*le here, huh? Put your clothes on, Gordon.

No one wants to see your penis.

No one.

Well why? Maybe I'll win an award for best cock! I'd rather have an award for best cock on my mantle than tidiest lawn or faggiest mailbox, or g*dd*mn Christmas lights.

They better not blink! No blinking lights, neighbors! No blinky, blinky! Ordinary f*cking people!
- Repo man.


- You're already dead! You're all f*ckin' dead! All the more pool for me, fucko's!
- That was Jim Tower.


- He's so powerful.

They want to take me to network on the palisades.

You walk into that room and you seduce them.

And have a secret But they rewrote the character a little bit.

So I gotta rethink So you're not the vulnerable bad boy who's new in town? He's still that, but now he's got nut cancer and he's doing chemo.

Dude, you know what you gotta do?
- What?
- I mean, if want to be real.

Real's what I'm about.

Gotta loose your hair.

Everywhere.

It's for you art, man.

Everywhere.

Head, eyebrows, pube's.

Soup to nuts.

"Are we having fun yet?" Or would you prefer we not do that.


- No, I love that.


- You do? Look I'm sorry about that, I tried to stop him.

But, maybe Ron was distracted the spectacle of my humiliation? He was not, he was not.

No, he fired me.

But I said I'd sue him, so I'm back on final warning.


- Welcome back.


- Thanks.

Thanks for trying though, Oh God, I totally forgot your name again.


- I'm sorry.


- Henry.

He got the job in Vermont.

Really? So you don't need this job.

It was nice knowing you.

No, I'm gonna keep the job.

For now, I'm gonna keep it.

Jesus, Kyle, Roman left the message.

What? Hey, there.

I knew I knew you.

Sign here and here.

And here.

Wait, wait, I thought I was supposed to fill out the feedback card? To get a new card they're all the way out in the van.

I'll get a new card.

Dude you totally f*ck me in the ass! So, you shaved off your eyebrow.

It's just an eyebrow.

Listen, I remember I was up for one of the jumpsuit babes in "Cannonball 2" right after my audition I was hit by a car.


- Yeah I was disappointed.


- But while I was in the hospital, I finally got the chance to read zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance and that sh*t rocked my world.

So what I'm saying is God never closes a door without opening a window.

Fourteen dollars Fourteen dollars Fourteen dollars Fourteen dol Thirteen dollars and seventy six cents.

Welcome back, Henry.

C'mon.

Please.

Just once.

Pleeeeeeese! No, no.

Please.

Are we having fun, yet? What happened?